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Blackberry Cove (Mystery/Thriller) - Most recent at #60 (page 3)

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#1 villain_fan

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Posted 28 May 2015 - 01:03 PM

EDIT - Recent revision @ #60

 

I've recently finished my manuscript but I'm struggling with the query letter. Any help that anyone can give would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

 

Dear

 

Following the disappearance of Liam Watts, detective Gregg Hunter is blackmailed into moving to the small town of Blackberry Cove, and to find the body.

 

Gregg is a celebrated Private Investigator, far too used to life in the city, who must pack up and make his way to Blackberry Cove, a quiet town in Vermont, in order to investigate a possible murder that took place there. However he has been hired by an organisation called the Alliance, who has instructed him not to alert the authorities once he has located the body. The Alliance is an international association of assassins, and Liam was an aspiring member. The Alliance has kidnapped Gregg's daughter and they are holding her as collateral until the body is located.

 

But in order for Gregg to find the body, he first has to find out who hid the body and who knows about the body. Forced into a live action game of Clue, the PI keeps his eye on several members of the town: the two local quarrelling innkeepers, Richard and Hannah O'Doyle, whose marriage is on the rocks due to dark secrets; the vindictive Mayor Nathan Stannard, who is sleeping with his secretary; the town's therapist, Timothy Holst, who is emasculated by his wife and on the edge of a nervous breakdown; local girl, Chloe Mason, the ex-girlfriend of Liam Watts; and the mysterious outdoorsman, Bernard Neumann. So the question is - who dunnit?

                                         

BLACKBERRY COVE is a completed 74, 814 word mystery novel aimed at young adults. It is the first completed book of an outlined and planed potential series. Given your interest in mysteries and thrillers, I thought it might be a good fit for your list.

 

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely, 


If you can, please check out my mystery/thriller query - http://agentquerycon...e-3#entry312316

And synopsis - http://agentquerycon...mysterythriller/


#2 annabella

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Posted 28 May 2015 - 01:47 PM

Dear

 

Following the disappearance of Liam Watts  When Liam Watts disappears, (more active), detective Gregg Hunter is blackmailed into moving to the small town of Blackberry Cove, and to find tasked with finding the body. (the ‘to find the body’ alone felt tacked on/awkward)

 

Gregg is a celebrated Private Investigator, far too used to life in the city, who must pack up and make his way to Blackberry Cove, a quiet town in Vermont, in order to investigate a possible murder that took place there. (Most of this is repetitive of what you’ve already said.) However he has been Hired by an organisation called the Alliance, who has he’s been instructed him not to alert the authorities once he has located the body. The Alliance is an international association of assassins, and Liam was an aspiring member. The Alliance has kidnapped Gregg's daughter and they are holding her as collateral until the body is located. (I think that a lot of this can be combined with the first paragraph. Something like:

 

When Liam Watts disappears, detective Gregg Hunter is blackmailed into moving to the small town of Blackberry Cove. Tasked with finding Liam’s body by the Alliance, a secret organization of assassins that Liam worked for, Gregg has no choice by to comply. They have his daughter. (Obviously could be rephrased, but see how it’s all the important information condensed together?)

 

But in order for Gregg to find the body, he first has to find out who hid the body and who knows about the body. (This is like saying but in order to find the killer, he has to discover who the killer is. It’s obvious and redundant.)  Forced into a live action game of Clue, the PI keeps his eye on several members of the town: the two local quarrelling innkeepers, Richard and Hannah O'Doyle, whose marriage is on the rocks due to dark secrets; the vindictive Mayor Nathan Stannard, who is sleeping with his secretary; the town's therapist, Timothy Holst, who is emasculated by his wife and on the edge of a nervous breakdown; local girl, Chloe Mason, the ex-girlfriend of Liam Watts (It makes sense why Chloe would be a suspect, but what about these other people? Maybe change ‘several members of the town’ to something like ‘several of Liam’s acquaintances’ or ‘several members of the town who knew Liam’; and the mysterious outdoorsman, Bernard Neumann. So the question is - who dunnit?

                                         

BLACKBERRY COVE is a completed 74, 814 word YA mystery novel aimed at young adults. It is the first completed book of an outlined and planed potential series. Given your interest in mysteries and thrillers, I thought it might be a good fit for your list.

 

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely, 

 

Best of luck! If you have time...http://agentquerycon...rsion-31/page-2



#3 villain_fan

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Posted 28 May 2015 - 02:30 PM

Thanks a lot for your help! I actually do like your combined paragraph idea, just wonder if there's enough information in the query. Revised version:

 

Dear

 

When Liam Watts disappears, detective Gregg Hunter is blackmailed into moving to the small town of Blackberry Cove. Tasked with finding Liam's body by the Alliance, a secret organisation of assassins that Liam worked for, Gregg has no choice but to comply. They have his daughter.

 

Forced into a live action game of Clue, the PI keeps his eye on several members of the town who knew Liam: the two quarrelling innkeepers, Richard and Hannah O'Doyle, whose marriage is on the rocks due to dark secrets; the vindictive Mayor Nathan Stannard, who is sleeping with his secretary; the town's therapist, Timothy Holst, who is emasculated by his wife and on the edge of a nervous breakdown; local girl, Chloe Mason, the ex-girlfriend of Liam Watts; and the mysterious outdoorsman, Bernard Neumann. So the question is - who dunnit?

                                         

BLACKBERRY COVE is a completed 74, 814 word mystery novel aimed at young adults. It is the first completed book of an outlined and planed potential series. Given your interest in mysteries and thrillers, I thought it might be a good fit for your list.

 

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely, 


If you can, please check out my mystery/thriller query - http://agentquerycon...e-3#entry312316

And synopsis - http://agentquerycon...mysterythriller/


#4 SnowGlobe

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Posted 28 May 2015 - 09:19 PM

Dear

 

The first line sounds like a line from a plot summary rather than a hook. You need some pop in this sentence. 

 

Your version is about 50 words over what it should be. I cut a lot out in what I put below, and you are free to be annoyed, but the version below is only 240 words as opposed to 300 words, and the same amount of understanding is conveyed. It is only my way of showing where you could make cuts and not lose understanding.

 

 

Following the disappearance of Liam Watts, detective Gregg Hunter is blackmailed into moving to the small town of Blackberry Cove, and to find the body

 

Gregg is a  Private Investigator,  used to life in the city, who must  make his way to Blackberry Cove in Vermont to investigate a possible murder The missing man aspired to become a member of the Alliance, an international association of assassins, who have now hired Gregg to find the body and turn it over to them. As motivation to cooperate, the Alliance has kidnapped Gregg's daughter.

 

Gregg can't find the body without first knowing who else might know about the crime.   Gregg is forced into a live action game of Clue, with several likely suspects: the two local quarrelling innkeepers, Richard and Hannah O'Doyle, whose marriage is on the rocks; the vindictive Mayor Nathan Stannard, who's sleeping with his secretary; the town's therapist, Timothy Holst, who's emasculated by his wife and on the edge of a nervous breakdown; local girl, Chloe Mason, the ex-girlfriend of Liam Watts; and the mysterious outdoorsman, Bernard Neumann. So the question is - who dunnit?

                                         

BLACKBERRY COVE is a completed 74, 814 word mystery novel aimed at young adults. It is the first completed book of an outlined and planed potential series. Given your interest in mysteries and thrillers, I thought it might be a good fit for your list.

 

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely, 



#5 P_Walls

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Posted 28 May 2015 - 10:48 PM

Thanks a lot for your help! I actually do like your combined paragraph idea, just wonder if there's enough information in the query. Revised version:

 

Dear

 

When Liam Watts disappears, detective Gregg Hunter is blackmailed into moving to the small town of Blackberry Cove. Tasked with finding Liam's body by the Alliance, a secret organisation of assassins that Liam worked for, Gregg has no choice but to comply. They have his daughter. Try cutting the middle part. It would be a quicker and more effective hook. 

 

When Liam Watts disappears, detective Gregg Hunter is blackmailed into moving to the small town of Blackberry Cove. He has no choice but to comply. Liam's former employers have his daughter. 

 

Forced into a live action game of Clue, the PI keeps his eye on several members of the town who knew Liam: the two quarrelling innkeepers, Richard and Hannah O'Doyle, whose marriage is on the rocks due to dark secrets; the vindictive Mayor Nathan Stannard, who is sleeping with his secretary; the town's therapist, Timothy Holst, who is emasculated by his wife and on the edge of a nervous breakdown; local girl, Chloe Mason, the ex-girlfriend of Liam Watts; and the mysterious outdoorsman, Bernard Neumann. So the question is - who dunnit? <--- Eh... I dunno... I mean... Yes, you have a murder mystery, so I guess you want to go over all the suspects, but this just feels like a listing of characters and I don't really feel compelled to know more about them. I think this paragraph could be better put to use. I love the first part of the first line:

 

Forced into a live action game of Clue, the PI must uncover the dark secrets that lie below the surface of the Cove. There's the mysterious outsdoorsman. The town therapist who knows everyone's deepest fears. The ex-girlfriend with her shut mouth and open legs. And only one of them knows where the body is. Liam needs to find out who, because his body is next. 

 

​Or something like that. I don't think we need all the character names, and I think the characters you do name could have a slight mystery added to each. Think of it like when you pick up the back of a mystery: what gets you reading?

                                         

BLACKBERRY COVE is a completed 74, 814 word mystery novel aimed at young adults. It is the first completed book of an outlined and planed PLANNED potential series. Given your interest in mysteries and thrillers, I thought it might be a good fit for your list. <- Either scrap it or be more assertive. "It might be" sounds like you're trying to sound nice. 

 

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely, 

 

I threw out a few suggestions, but they're just that. I'm not an expert. 

 

Maybe that helped. I hope it did.

 

Would love to hear your comments on mine:

http://agentquerycon...on-in-39/page-2



#6 Tanja

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Posted 29 May 2015 - 02:05 AM

Hi,

Just read both of  your entries and even though your second attempt is better, there is still a lot of work that needs to be done and maybe I can help a little

 

When Liam Watts disappears, detective Gregg Hunter is blackmailed into moving to the small town of Blackberry Cove. Tasked with finding Liam's body by the Alliance, a secret organisation of assassins that Liam worked for, Gregg has no choice but to comply. They have his daughter. This in general is ok. Not great but it works. Maybe you can put more tension to it. Particularly that they have his daughter

 

Forced into a live action game of Clue, the PI keeps his eye on several members of the town who knew Liam: the two quarrelling innkeepers, Richard and Hannah O'Doyle, whose marriage is on the rocks due to dark secrets; the vindictive Mayor Nathan Stannard, who is sleeping with his secretary; the town's therapist, Timothy Holst, who is emasculated by his wife and on the edge of a nervous breakdown; local girl, Chloe Mason, the ex-girlfriend of Liam Watts; and the mysterious outdoorsman, Bernard Neumann. So the question is - who dunnit? This is just a rundown of names and doesn't leave anything going for the query. You can simply summon it up with "while investigating several members of the town, Liam ..." and then tell us what actually happens. His daughter is missing, so that should be the plot. When I went through the query process I was suggested to write about the first 50 pages of the MS and then a quick hint to what's next and that has worked fine for me so far. At least my query has led to request for partial and a full, waiting on results. You want to grab the agent with your story. In your case they are informed about the characters but learn nothing about the story. And I'm sure Gregg has a lot ahead of him when trying to get his daughter back.

                                         

BLACKBERRY COVE is a completed 74, 814  75,000 word (always round to the next thousand)word mystery novel aimed at young adults.  It is the first completed book of an outlined and planed potential series. Given your interest in mysteries and thrillers, I thought it might be a good fit for your list.

 

I suggest to write it like this to get the genre correct.

Complete at 75,000 words BLACKBERRY COVE is a standalone YA thriller with series potential. 

 

However, how do you justify the YA when you actually have adult characters in the book? I would say it's an adult thriller and not a YA.

 

Hope I could help a little and at the end it's my opinion. So you can like it or toss it, up to you  :smile:


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#7 brandonyoung

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Posted 29 May 2015 - 02:17 AM

Dear

 

When Liam Watts disappears, detective Gregg Hunter is blackmailed into moving to the small town of Blackberry Cove. Tasked with finding Liam's body by the Alliance, a secret organisation of assassins that Liam worked for, Gregg has no choice but to comply. They have his daughter. Who's the protagonist? Gregg, I'm guessing. You probably don't need to give Liam a name. Just say 'When a man disappears...', but maybe tell us what kind of man he is. Also, 'they have his daughter' has been done so many times. I wouldn't base your hook around that.

 

Forced into a live action game of Clue, the PI keeps his eye on several members of the town who knew Liam: the two quarrelling innkeepers, We're about to enter an onslaught of names; you can probably cut them all. Richard and Hannah O'Doyle, whose marriage is on the rocks due to dark secrets; the vindictive Mayor Nathan Stannard, who is sleeping with his secretary; the town's therapist, Timothy Holst, who is emasculated by his wife and on the edge of a nervous breakdown; a local girl, Chloe Mason, the ex-girlfriend of Liam Watts; and the mysterious outdoorsman, Bernard Neumann. So the question is - who dunnit? Still, there are way too many people here. You need to seriously consider one or two who are worth keeping. You're trying to sell this novel. What part of the 'whodunnit' formula is new? Why would an agent pick up this over anything else?

                                         

BLACKBERRY COVE is a completed 74, 814 You probably don't have to be this precise with your word count word mystery novel aimed at young adults. I did not get the impression this was a YA novel. From the rest of your query, it doesn't sound like something young adults would be very interested in. It is the first completed book of an outlined and planed potential series. Given your interest in mysteries and thrillers, I thought it might be a good fit for your list.

 

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely, 

 

Overall, there's just too much going on. Gregg is your protagonist, yet you only mention him in two sentences. Delve deeper into him, rather than having the whole second paragraph about random suspects we don't care about. Make us care about Gregg, give us some conflict, give us some stakes, and show us what makes this novel different to other mystery novels.

 

If you have time:

http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/


I'm not currently in need of query letter revisions, but I am looking for some amazing beta readers. If you're interested in reading a very short standalone YA fantasy which is heavy on character, crying moments, and not so much on epic scopes and war, shoot me a DM and I'd love to lend you a copy. I'm also open to reading your novels in exchange!


#8 villain_fan

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Posted 29 May 2015 - 04:06 AM

Thank you very much everyone for your feedback. I still have the second paragraph problem of listing suspects, but I've tried to add a bit more mystery to them. I'm just not just which to cut and which to expand on. 

 

Dear

 

When a man disappears, detective Gregg Hunter is blackmailed into moving to the small town of Blackberry Cove. Tasked with finding the body by The Alliance, a secret organisation of assassins that the missing man worked for, Gregg has no choice but to comply. They have his daughter.

 

Forced into a live action game of Clue, the PI must uncover the dark secrets that lie below the surface of the Cove. There's the mysterious outdoorsman, latching himself to the investigation. The town therapist who knows everyone's deepest fears, but on the edge of a nervous breakdown himself. The ex-girlfriend with her shut mouth and open legs. The vindictive Mayor, who doesn't appreciate help from outsiders. And the two quarrelling innkeepers, whose marriage is burdened by dark secrets and visions of blood. All of the residents have secrets. But only one of them knows where the body is. And Gregg needs to find out who, because his daughter's body is next.

 

Complete at 75, 000 words BLACKBERRY COVE is a mystery novel with series potential. Given your interest in mysteries and thrillers, I think that this would be a good fit for your list.

 

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely, 


If you can, please check out my mystery/thriller query - http://agentquerycon...e-3#entry312316

And synopsis - http://agentquerycon...mysterythriller/


#9 Tanja

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Posted 29 May 2015 - 04:59 AM

All you have done now is taking out the names. But at the end, we still don't know anything about the story. Generally what you're doing is telling, not showing. I really suggest to get a broader idea of queries to have a look at query shark http://queryshark.blogspot.com.au/ which is a great source to learn how to write queries.

Writing a query is hard and is not done overnight. It takes everyone ages to get it done and is, at the end, the worst of all the things. I'm pretty sure everyone has been frustrated and wanted to give up doing this darn thing. So don't give up. Keep reading about queries and keep writing on it. You'll get there. And once there don't be surprised to revise it again and again while hunting agents.

 

Don't forget to mention what genre it is. You put it now as a mystery novel, which is not a category. Like I said, since it's with riddles and to find out who the bad guy is, it falls under thriller. And since you have adults, it would fall under adult thriller.

 

Good luck

 

Keep on trying. It's surely better than your first two.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#10 villain_fan

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Posted 29 May 2015 - 07:51 AM

Thanks a lot for the encouragement Tanja! I've decided to try for a different approach, and wonder if this is any better.

 

Dear

 

Gregg Hunter is a celebrated detective asked to investigate a possible murder that has taken place in Blackberry Cove. After turning the job offer down, not wishing to be too far from family, Gregg's new employers give him no choice but to comply. They have kidnapped his daughter.

 

Forced into a live action game of Clue, the PI must uncover the dark secrets that lie below the surface of the small town. The list of suspects is large, ranging from: a vindictive Mayor, a therapist who knows everyone's deepest fears, the ex-girlfriend with her shut mouth and open legs and the two quarrelling innkeepers, whose marriage is burdened by dark secrets and visions of blood. But Gregg receives help from local townsman, Bernard Neumann, who reveals to have knowledge about Gregg's mysterious employers - The Alliance, a secret organisation of assassins which the missing man worked for. The organisation murdered Bernard's wife and he's been searching for a way to find them for a very long time in order to receive answers. Together, the two men embark on the mission of finding the body so when the Alliance comes to collect it, Gregg can get his daughter back and Bernard can get his vengeance. But is there any hope of that once Gregg learns kidnapping young people is how this organisation recruits its members? And why is it they chose Gregg for this job in the first place?

 

All of the residents of this town have secrets. But only one of them knows where the body is. And Gregg needs to find out who, because his daughter's body is next.

 

Complete at 75, 000 words BLACKBERRY COVE is a mystery novel with series potential. Given your interest in mysteries and thrillers, I think that this would be a good fit for your list.

 

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely, 


If you can, please check out my mystery/thriller query - http://agentquerycon...e-3#entry312316

And synopsis - http://agentquerycon...mysterythriller/


#11 SnowGlobe

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Posted 29 May 2015 - 09:14 AM

You are still about 50 words over the ideal target, and I still see superfluous words that could be cut.

 

Dear

 

Gregg Hunter is a celebrated detective asked to investigate a possible murder that has taken place in Blackberry Cove. After turning the job offer down, not wishing to be too far from family, Gregg's new employers give him no choice but to comply. They have kidnapped his daughter.

 

Forced into a live action game of Clue, the PI must uncover the dark secrets that lie below the surface of the small town. The list of suspects is large, ranging from: a vindictive Mayor, a therapist who knows everyone's deepest fears, the ex-girlfriend with her shut mouth and open legs and the two quarrelling innkeepers, whose marriage is burdened by dark secrets and visions of blood. But Gregg receives help from local townsman, Bernard Neumann, who reveals to have knowledge has information about Gregg's mysterious employers - The Alliance, a secret organisation of assassins which the missing man worked for. They organisation murdered Bernard's wife, and he's been looking for answers and revenge ever since. and he's been searching for a way to find them for a very long time in order to receive answers. Together, the two men embark on the mission of finding the body so when the Alliance comes to collect it, Gregg can get his daughter back and Bernard can get his vengeance. But is there any hope of that once Gregg learns kidnapping young people is how this organisation recruits its members? And why is it they chose Gregg for this job in the first place?

 

All of the residents of this town have secrets. But only one of them knows where the body is. And Gregg needs to find out who, because his daughter's body is next.

 

Complete at 75, 000 words BLACKBERRY COVE is a mystery novel with series potential. Given your interest in mysteries and thrillers, I think that this would be a good fit for your list.

 

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely, 



#12 villain_fan

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Posted 29 May 2015 - 09:47 AM

Thanks SnowGlobe, I'll be sure to make those changes!


If you can, please check out my mystery/thriller query - http://agentquerycon...e-3#entry312316

And synopsis - http://agentquerycon...mysterythriller/


#13 JenPeters

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Posted 29 May 2015 - 03:16 PM

Thanks a lot for the encouragement Tanja! I've decided to try for a different approach, and wonder if this is any better.

 

Dear

 

Gregg Hunter is a celebrated detective asked to investigate a possible murder that has taken place in Blackberry Cove. After turning the job offer down, not wishing to be too far from family, Gregg's new employers give him no choice but to comply. They have kidnapped his daughter. Too jumpy and long. Try coming up with one action packed sentence, or up to two that really hook the reader. Something like: When his daughter is kidnapped, Greg Hunter has no choice but to take on a murder investigation commissioned by the very organization that took her.

 

Forced into a live action game of Clue, the PI must uncover the dark secrets that lie below the surface of the small town of Blackberry Cove. The list of suspects is large, ranging from: a vindictive Mayor, a therapist who knows everyone's deepest fears, the ex-girlfriend with her shut mouth and open legs and the two quarrelling innkeepers, whose marriage is burdened by dark secrets and visions of blood (There's way too much going on in this sentence and you probably should lose the colon. Try picking two of the most extreme options and say something like this: "The list of suspects is large, ranging from an outspoken mayor with malicious intentions, to a quiet therapist who knows everyone's secrets." Less is more in this case.). But Gregg receives help from local townsman, Bernard Neumann, who reveals claims to have knowledge about Gregg's mysterious employers - The Alliance, a secret organization of assassins which the missing(is he missing or murdered? and also, are they that secret if they hired Gregg? How much does he know?) man worked for. The organisation murdered Bernard's wife and he's been searching for a way to find them for a very long time in order to receive answers(TMI- This doesn't further the action in the query, so it should go). Together, the two men embark on the mission of finding the body so when the Alliance comes to collect it, Gregg can get his daughter back and Bernard can get his vengeance(again, tmi). But is there any hope of that once Gregg learns kidnapping young people is how this organisation recruits its members? And why is it they chose Gregg for this job in the first place? (I like the idea these two questions present, but they're a little messy. I'd condense the last four sentences into something simpler that gets to the point faster- Vengeance, Kidnapping, Risk, Boom. Sorry, I got excited! Your book sounds really interesting!) 

 

All of the residents of this town have secrets. (Suggestion:) Every resident of Blackberry Cove has their secrets, but only one of them knows where the body is. And Gregg needs to find out who, because his daughter's body is next. Nice!

 

Complete at 75, 000 words BLACKBERRY COVE is a mystery novel with series potential. Given your interest in mysteries and thrillers, I think that this would be a good fit for your list.

 

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely, 

Great query and the title got my attention right away! Keep at it. You'll be there soon (or so I keep telling myself as well). Oh and please check out my query at http://ow.ly/NCzw4


Please take a look at my query for THE BEAST here

And my synopsis here


#14 villain_fan

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Posted 29 May 2015 - 03:46 PM

Thanks a lot for the help everyone, really! I wonder if this revision is better:

 

Dear

 

When his daughter is kidnapped, detective Gregg Hunter has no choice but to take on a murder investigation commissioned by the very organisation which took her.

 

Forced into a live action game of Clue, the PI must uncover the dark secrets that lie below the surface of the small town of Blackberry Cove. The list of suspects is large, ranging from an outspoken Mayor with malicious intentions, to a quiet therapist who knows everyone's secrets. Gregg receives help from local, Bernard Neumann, who has information about Gregg's mysterious employers - The Alliance, a secret organisation of assassins which the murdered man worked for. They murdered Bernard's wife and so he assists Gregg with finding the body, hoping to get his own answers and revenge when The Alliance arrive to collect it. But Gregg can't help but wonder why he was chosen for this job in the first place. And when he discovers that kidnapping young people is how this organisation recruits its members, he may lose all hope of them sticking to their promise and giving back his daughter.

 

Every resident of Blackberry Cove has their secrets, but only one of them knows where the body is. And Gregg needs to find out who, because his daughter's body is next.

 

Complete at 75, 000 words BLACKBERRY COVE is a mystery novel with series potential. Given your interest in mysteries and thrillers, I think that this would be a good fit for your list.

 

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely, 


If you can, please check out my mystery/thriller query - http://agentquerycon...e-3#entry312316

And synopsis - http://agentquerycon...mysterythriller/


#15 ah_522

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Posted 29 May 2015 - 07:32 PM

I haven't seen your other QLs, so consider me fresh eyes. 

 

Thanks a lot for the help everyone, really! I wonder if this revision is better:

 

Dear

 

When his daughter is kidnapped, detective Gregg Hunter (this is quibbling, but I'd put "When detective Gregg Hunter's daughter is kidnapped") has no choice but to take on a murder investigation commissioned by the very organisation which took her. YES! EXCELLENT HOOK!

 

Forced into a live action real version game of Clue, the PI must uncover the dark (redundant) secrets that lie below the surface of the small town of Blackberry Cove. (This sentence feels too long, tbh. "...the PI must uncover the secrets of the small town of Blackberry Cove." Every word counts, so don't want to waste space.) The list of suspects is large, ranging from an outspoken Mayor with malicious intentions, to a quiet therapist who knows everyone's secrets. (You're telling, take this out.) Gregg receives help from local, Bernard Neumann, who has information about Gregg's mysterious employers - The Alliance, a secret organisation of assassins which the murdered man worked for. They murdered Bernard's wife and so he assists Gregg with finding the body, hoping to get his own answers and revenge when The Alliance arrive to collect it. But Gregg can't help but wonder why he was chosen for this job in the first place. And when he discovers that kidnapping young people is how this organisation recruits its members, he may lose all hope of them sticking to their promise and giving back his daughter. (So, as you can tell, I didn't end up crit'ing the rest. You need blank space/a new para line for everything else. I know that Bernard is an important character, so focus on him. You could write something like "As Gregg gets deeper into the town's secrets, he meets Bernard, who jumps into help him. 

 

Then a new para about the Alliance/what they want.) 

 

Every resident of Blackberry Cove has their secrets, but only one of them knows where the body is. And Gregg needs to find out who, because his daughter's body is next.

 

Complete aAt 75, 000 words BLACKBERRY COVE is a mystery novel with series potential. Given your interest in mysteries and thrillers, I think that this would be a good fit for your list.

 

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely, 

 

At this point, I think you just need to slim things down and figure out what you need to put in. A query is under 250, but some of the best ones I've seen are actually under 200 words (seriously!). So pick your QL apart like none other. (I'm not a mystery reader, but I'd pick this up based on the hook alone, because that is superb. =D)

 

If you get the chance, please check out my query too. 

 

Hope I've helped!



#16 SnowGlobe

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Posted 29 May 2015 - 07:50 PM

The hook is far better.

#17 Tanja

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Posted 30 May 2015 - 05:57 AM

At this stage I can't add more to what Ah522 said. Take out the telling part as it doesn't add anything to the story. Slim it down a bit but you're now on the right track.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#18 villain_fan

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Posted 30 May 2015 - 11:45 AM

Sorry, I feel like I should be making more changes per revision than I am. I've now taken out any specific mention of the residents in the town, but is that wise, because uncovering each of the resident's stories and how they're connected to the murder is really a main part of the plot? And I know Bernard's section needs trimmed down, but I'm quite unsure on what should be cut or how to phrase it better. All these helpful and encouraging comments are really appreciated though, thank you!

 

Dear

 

When detective Gregg Hunter's daughter is kidnapped, he has no choice but to take on a murder investigation commissioned by the very organisation which took her.

 

Forced into a real version of Clue, the PI must uncover the secrets of the small town of Blackberry Cove. Getting deeper into the town and resident's mysteries, he meets Bernard, who jumps into help him.

 

Bernard has information about Gregg's mysterious employers - The Alliance, a secret organisation of assassins which the victim worked for. They murdered Bernard's wife and so he assists Gregg with finding the body, hoping to get his own answers and revenge when The Alliance arrive to collect it. But Gregg can't help but wonder why he was chosen for this job in the first place. And when he discovers that kidnapping young people is how this organisation recruits its members, he may lose all hope of them sticking to their promise and giving back his daughter.

 

Every resident of Blackberry Cove has their secrets, but only one of them knows where the body is. Gregg needs to find out who, because his daughter's body is next.

 

At 75, 000 words BLACKBERRY COVE is a thriller novel with series potential. Given your interest in mysteries and thrillers, I think that this would be a good fit for your list.

 

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely, 


If you can, please check out my mystery/thriller query - http://agentquerycon...e-3#entry312316

And synopsis - http://agentquerycon...mysterythriller/


#19 Tanja

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Posted 31 May 2015 - 06:23 AM

Generally speaking it's a lot better leaving all the others out. Now you're concentrating more on Gregg, which is good. However, I struggle a little with the main paragraph in the middle as you seem to hop a little between Bernard and Gregg, especially in this sentence:

They murdered Bernard's wife and so he assists Gregg with finding the body, hoping to get his own answers and revenge when The Alliance arrive to collect it.

If you try to keep this with Gregg and in his POV it would work better.

 

This last part you could pretty much wipe as you already tell us the same before

Every resident of Blackberry Cove has their secrets, but only one of them knows where the body is. Gregg needs to find out who, because his daughter's body is next.

Use this to build the drama. It's a thriller. It's given that he has to find out who. Use it more for hinting a twist or something. Make the agent wonder and want to know what's happening.

 

And wipe the novel bit here BLACKBERRY COVE is a thriller novel with series potential . You need to give the genre which is adult thriller or maybe psychological thriller if it does fall into this category. I don't know your novel so I can't judge on that. Read about it. However, you still need to give the adult with it as they always ask for genre and category.

 

You're doing a lot better. It's much better than any previous ones. It just needs a bit more in the middle. Grab the agent with tension.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#20 villain_fan

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Posted 31 May 2015 - 09:13 AM

Thanks a lot again! I've written it all from Gregg POV now and rewrote the last part, just think it's still a bit long. I think that maybe the last two sentences of the big paragraph should be cut before cutting the last section?

 

Dear

 

When detective Gregg Hunter's daughter is kidnapped, he has no choice but to take on a murder investigation commissioned by the very organisation which took her.

 

Forced into a real version of Clue, the PI must uncover the secrets of the small town of Blackberry Cove. Getting deeper into the town and resident's mysteries, he meets Bernard, who jumps into help him.

 

Bernard has information about Gregg's mysterious employers - The Alliance, a secret organisation of assassins which the victim worked for. Gregg believes Bernard is helping him so to get answers from The Alliance about the assassin that killed his wife, when they come to collect the body; but Gregg questions if he can work alongside a man who may be motivated by revenge. Gregg can't help but wonder why he was chosen for this job in the first place. And when he discovers that kidnapping young people is how this organisation recruits its members, he may lose all hope of them sticking to their promise and giving back his daughter.

 

After a failed rescue attempt, Gregg realises that The Alliance is not to be underestimated, and has no choice but to comply and find the body, or his daughter's body is next; but this won't be easy in a town where more than one person is guilty.

 

At 75, 000 words BLACKBERRY COVE is an adult thriller with series potential. Given your interest in mysteries and thrillers, I think that this would be a good fit for your list.

 

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely, 


If you can, please check out my mystery/thriller query - http://agentquerycon...e-3#entry312316

And synopsis - http://agentquerycon...mysterythriller/






Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fiction, Thrillers/Suspense, Mystery

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