Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

Blood Dawn (urban fantasy)


  • Please log in to reply
5 replies to this topic

#1 margaret fisher

margaret fisher

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 2 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 06 March 2011 - 08:03 PM

Hey all, I'm already cringing, but this is my first attempt at a query letter for the book I've just finished polishing. I haven't queried any agents or publishers for it yet, since I want to do my best to make a decent query before I take the plunge.Obviously my biggest problem is whittling down the length while still expressing enough of the plot to (hopefully) interest an agent into reading the book. Any feedback or suggestions would be very much appreciated.


Dear firstname lastname,

Vampires are real.

That was the shocking truth humanity discovered the eve of the event they would later name Blood Dawn; a series of attacks that left the leaders of every country with advanced technology dead, or converted.

Years later Detective William Buchanan is confronted with an unpleasant revelation of his own. The other members of his night squad- a secret team of police officers trained to track down and kill vampires-have been loaned out to another city, and he’s been left in charge of a new batch of recruits. Although dubious about the rag-tag bunch, the presence of a hacker among them presents him with an opportunity to continue his investigation into Genesis Industries- a secretive corporation that promised the world after Blood Dawn that they would solve the vampire problem.

Genesis employee Lilith-known to humans as Lily Eason-is having troubles too; a new transfer has been sent to their branch. Crusader is charming, but after years of having only her brother Lucifiel for company Lilith is flustered. She isn’t given the luxury of sorting out her feelings though; there’s a human detective wanting to work at Genesis, and although he seems friendly she is startled to discover that his natural mental shields prevent her from reading his thoughts. And if she can’t be certain of his motives, how will she make sure he doesn't discover the secret of Genesis Industries; a secret that, if exposed, could destroy everything that Lilith holds dear?

BLOOD DAWN, an adult urban fantasy novel, is complete at 117,000 words.
"Only man confuses the limits of his mind for the limits of the world."

#2 Krystle

Krystle

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 27 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 06 March 2011 - 08:29 PM

Hey all, I'm already cringing, but this is my first attempt at a query letter for the book I've just finished polishing. I haven't queried any agents or publishers for it yet, since I want to do my best to make a decent query before I take the plunge.Obviously my biggest problem is whittling down the length while still expressing enough of the plot to (hopefully) interest an agent into reading the book. Any feedback or suggestions would be very much appreciated.


Dear firstname lastname,

Vampires are real.

That was the shocking truth humanity discovered the eve of the event they would later name (Too wordy; we already assume Blood Dawn is some sort of catastrophe/event)Blood Dawn; a series of attacks that left the leaders of every country with advanced technology dead, or converted.

Years later Detective William Buchanan is confronted with an unpleasant revelation of his own. The other members of his night squad- a secret team of police officers trained to track down and kill vampires-have been loaned out to another city, and he’s been left in charge of a new batch of recruits. Although dubious about the rag-tag bunch, the presence of a hacker among them presents him with an opportunity to continue his investigation into Genesis Industries- a secretive corporation that promised the world after Blood Dawn that they would solve the vampire problem.This sentence is quite long - could you shorten it and still retain the bare-bone info an agent or reader would require?

Genesis employee Lilith-known to humans as Lily Eason-is having troubles too; a new transfer has been sent to their branch. Crusader is charming, but after years of having only her brother Lucifiel for company Lilith is flustered. She isn’t given the luxury of sorting out her feelings though; there’s a human detective wanting to work at Genesis, and although he seems friendly she is startled to discover that his natural mental shields prevent her from reading his thoughts.(This caught me by surprise a bit; maybe when you first mention Genesis also drop a hint about their supernatural abilities? All we know is that it's very hush, hush ;) And if she can’t be certain of his motives, how will she make sure he doesn't discover the secret of Genesis Industries; a secret that, if exposed, could destroy everything that Lilith holds dear? (Nice hook.)

If you're looking to whittle some more, I'd suggest maybe cutting from the second paragraph (Lilith). I think you could condense/combine the first three sentences, cutting anything that isn't absolutely necessary to the main plot, or just finding a way to reword it.

BLOOD DAWN, an adult urban fantasy novel, is complete at 117,000 words.


Overall, I think you're off to a great start, and my suggestions are of course just that. So, take with a grain of salt. =) Best of luck!

#3 scubasteve4

scubasteve4

    Gone Writing

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 406 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, published, agented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:My debut novel BATTERY BROTHERS is due out with Elephant's Bookshelf Press on March 30, 2014.

Posted 06 March 2011 - 09:11 PM

Congrats on getting your book done and polished. And you’re off to a decent start with your query.
Dear firstname lastname, (Be sure to use Ms. or Mr., not first name)

Vampires are real.

That was the shocking truth humanity discovered the eve of the event they would later name Blood Dawn; a series of attacks that left the leaders of every country with advanced technology dead, or converted. This "hook" paragraph can be written in a stronger, less passive way. I’d start with something like: When (whatever it is that happened), leaders of developed nations were killed or converted.)
Anything vampire is going to be compared to Twilight. Your story really has to stand out. Blood Dawn may be too close to Breaking Dawn.
I look forward to seeing how this query progresses.

http://www.stevencarman.com
 

BatteryBros3.jpg

 

Published: March 30, 2014
Elephant's Bookshelf Press


#4 margaret fisher

margaret fisher

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 2 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 06 March 2011 - 09:12 PM

Okay....revised it a little. Tried to chop up the overly-long sentences and re-worded some of the second paragraph.

Dear Mr./Ms. lastname,

Vampires are real.

When the leaders of every country with advanced technology were either killed, or converted, that was the shocking truth that was revealed to humanity.

Years later Detective William Buchanan is confronted with a revelation of his own. The members of his night squad- a secret team of officers trained to kill vampires-have been loaned out to another city, and he’s been left in charge of a new batch of recruits. Although initially dubious about the rag-tag bunch, a hacker among them offers him an opportunity. Now he can continue his investigation into Genesis Industries- a secretive corporation that promised they would solve the vampire problem…by studying their DNA.

Lilith knows the company secret all too well; she’s part of it. And as if dealing with a handsome new transfer isn’t distraction enough, now a human detective wants to work at Genesis. Buchanan seems friendly, but his intentions are unknown. And if she can’t be certain of his motives, how will she make sure he doesn't discover the truth about Genesis Industries; the secret that, if exposed, could destroy everything that Lilith holds dear?

BLOOD DAWN, an adult urban fantasy novel, is complete at 117,000 words.
"Only man confuses the limits of his mind for the limits of the world."

#5 Lori Sjoberg

Lori Sjoberg

    Resident pain in the rear

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,548 posts
  • Literary Status:published, unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:GRAVE INTENTIONS, GRAVE DESTINATIONS, and GRAVE VENGEANCE are now available from Kensington Publishing.

Posted 07 March 2011 - 11:35 AM

Vampires are real. <There are tons of books out there with this premise (Sookie Stackhouse, Anita Blake, etc.). Your hook must show how your premise is unique.

When the leaders of every country with advanced technology were either killed, or converted, that was the shocking truth that was revealed to humanity. <Ramp up the tension in this sentence. What are the repercussions? Are mortals now at war with vampires or are they biding their time before striking back?

Years later Detective William Buchanan is confronted with a revelation of his own. <What's the revelation? It needs to be something really important. The members of his night squad- a secret team of officers trained to kill vampires-have been loaned out to another city, and he’s been left in charge of a new batch of recruits. Although initially dubious about the rag-tag bunch, a hacker among them offers him an opportunity. Now he can continue his investigation into Genesis Industries- a secretive corporation that promised they would solve the vampire problem…by studying their DNA.

Lilith knows the company secret all too well; she’s part of it.<What does Lility do at Genesis? Scientist, secretary? Is she human or vampire? And as if dealing with a handsome new transfer<Who? isn’t distraction enough, now a human detective wants to work at Genesis. Buchanan seems friendly, but his intentions are unknown.<This sentence is vague and fairly passive. Kick it up a notch. And if she can’t be certain of his motives, how will she make sure he doesn't discover the truth about Genesis Industries; the secret that, if exposed, could destroy everything that Lilith holds dear?

BLOOD DAWN, an adult urban fantasy novel, is complete at 117,000 words.


With so many vampire books flooding the market, you're saddled with the task of making yours stand out in the crowd. Show how yours is bigger/better/different. Ramp up the tension in your query so the reader HAS to request a partial/full.

Good luck!

#6 Auralius

Auralius

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 54 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:none

Posted 08 March 2011 - 07:42 PM

Hey! My one suggestion would be to bridge paragraphs 1 and 2 with a bit about the state of the world after the "blood dawn." After your opener, I was expecting a story where vampires ruled absolutely, but clearly at least a few humans are out and about (and in structured, city-government organizations). I think you've got room for a bit of world-building beyond what you have, and I think it'd give some helpful context for the meat of your story.

Nice job so far. You hooked my interest.




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users