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The Sorrow Within (paranormal romance)


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#1 PLGreen

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Posted 06 April 2011 - 05:59 PM

New Synopsis at Post 30. Would love input, please feel free to review. Thanks.




Green/Sorrow/Synopsis Paranormal Romance
Street address 92,000 words
City, State, Zip
Phone #
e-mail address


A coven of witches wants the Goddess to appear and grant them renewed youth as she does every ten years. They just need a shining life-force to make it happen.

Tom McManus has one.

While fighting through a bout of writer’s block, Tom is surprised by an apparition of a beautiful woman. Unaware that she is under the control of the coven, Megan Birch tells him that she has come to inspire him. Driven by an amazing desire to write, he manages to write an entire manuscript in one night. In the story Tom and his wife are expecting, but in real life his wife isn’t pregnant. Several times while he is reading the story, Tom’s wife Sarah sneaks in to see what is in the book. Tom continually hides what he is reading from her not wanting her to know that she might be destined to die.

Megan makes a second visit to Tom and says the story is a warning. If Tom can’t stop the death of his family when the time comes, the story could become true. Tom is incredulous about what he is reading and eventually he finishes the story. Stunned by what has happened and wanting to dismiss what he has read; Tom brushes off the story and puts it away hiding it from his wife.

Six years later, when Tom discovers his wife is pregnant, he remembers the hidden manuscript. Tom tries to keep his pregnant wife safe by watching her constantly and driving her everywhere. But on the night she goes into labor there is uncontrolled bleeding and health problems in the infant, both his wife and child perish during childbirth just as the story predicted. Without even giving him the chance to mourn their deaths, he is attacked in the hospital only to be saved by his muse Megan, a nurse at the hospital.

Finally arriving at a destination that they believe is safe they relax and spend time learning more about each other. Megan tries to find out who is trying to harm them only to learn that she has brought Tom to the location of a preordained meeting of the coven where a ritual is to be performed to draw down the Goddess. They also find out that Tom is the intended sacrifice as he carries the chosen life-force which is needed to bring forth the Goddess. What the coven is not aware of is that Tom has already given the life-force to Megan.

They discover that Tom’s dead wife Sarah has been brought back in spirit to assist the coven and to entice Tom to work with them willingly. Tom agrees to fall under the spell that Sarah weaves so that the coven will not be aware of the plan that is unfolding. Unaware that Sarah has broken free of Patty’s spell the coven continues with their preparations.

Megan is also preparing so that she can be the one to receive the Goddess and foil the intentions of Patty and the coven. Megan is then led through the woods to the ritual site by her new found accomplice Emma, who is a disgruntled coven member. Sarah joins them at the ritual circle when Emma needs to leave to prevent the coven from becoming aware of their plans.

Megan infiltrates the circle with Sarah’s help just as Patty is about to sacrifice Tom. Megan lunges at Patty and is able to stop her only to be injured in the scuffle. Tom is becomes aware again and with Sarah’s help escapes the circle while Megan calls the Goddess down to her. Once Megan is in control she releases the coven members, sets Emma free, and banishes Patty.

Just as she is losing her grip on life Tom, with the help of Sarah rushes back and rushes her back to his cabin where he is able to convince her to stay with him and fight for her life. Sarah helps Megan by granting her blessing to the love that has grown between Megan and Tom. Now that Sarah is released from her bonds she vanishes. Megan shares that she is pregnant with Tom’s child, the life-force. Happy and sad at the same time Tom and Megan fall asleep.

Years later Tom and Megan are back on their feet, working, raising their children and free from all the insanity that brought them together…or are they?

Together Tom and Megan struggle through being followed by a coven, betrayed by trusted friends, and mesmerized by haunting melodies. During their journey they are helped by Sarah, Tom’s dead wife and with her blessing they discover a love that was destined to be.
P. L. Green

#2 bkeats

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Posted 07 April 2011 - 01:25 PM

Okay. here we go!

A coven of witches wants the Goddess to appear and grant them renewed youth, just as she does every ten years. They just need a shining life-force to make it happen.

Tom McManus has one.

While fighting through a bout of writer’s block, Tom is surprised by an apparition of a beautiful woman. Unaware that she is under the control of the coven, Megan Birch tells him that she has come to inspire him. Driven by an amazing desire to write, he manages to write an entire manuscript in one night. In the story, Tom and his wife are expecting, but in real life his wife isn’t pregnant. Several times while he is reading the story, Tom’s wife Sarah sneaks in to see what is in the book. Tom continually hides what he is reading from her, not wanting her to know that she might be destined to die. (Need some more info about Megan. Does she know she's astrally projecting [or whatever she's doing] here? When you say she came to inspire him, is she under a post-hypnotic suggestion from the coven to do so?)

Megan makes a second visit to Tom and says the story is a warning. If Tom can’t stop the death of his family when the time comes, the story could become true. Tom is incredulous about what he is reading and eventually he finishes the story. Stunned by what has happened and wanting to dismiss what he has read; Tom brushes off the story and puts it away, hiding it from his wife.

Six years later, when Tom discovers his wife is pregnant, he remembers the hidden manuscript. Tom tries to keep his pregnant wife safe by watching her constantly and driving her everywhere. But on the night she goes into labor there is uncontrolled bleeding and health problems in the infant, both his wife and child perish during childbirth just as the story predicted. Without even giving him the chance to mourn their deaths, he is attacked in the hospital only to be saved by his muse Megan, a nurse at the hospital. (Question: Why did Megan never make an attempt to visit Tom personally anytime in the past six years? Also, it seems like the death of Tom's wife and child was unstoppable- nothing he could have done would have prevented it. True or not?)

Finally arriving at a destination that they believe is safe (What wouldn't be safe? Tom's wife and child have died, but Megan has never warned Tom about any threat to himself, or even about the existence of the coven) they relax and spend time learning more about each other. Megan tries to find out who is trying to harm them only to learn that she has brought Tom to the location of a preordained meeting of the coven where a ritual is to be performed to draw down the Goddess. They also find out that Tom is the intended sacrifice as he carries the chosen life-force which is needed to bring forth the Goddess. What the coven is not aware of is that Tom has already given the life-force to Megan. (What is the relationship between Tom's life force and the death of his family? There has to be one; otheriwse, what was the point of the warning- which, as we know, was orchestrated by the coven. Did Tom's familt have to die before his life force became suitable for the coven to use? If so, you need to make this clear)

They discover that Tom’s dead wife Sarah has been brought back in spirit to assist the coven and to entice Tom to work with them willingly. Tom agrees (with Megan's consent?) to fall place himself under the spell that Sarah weaves so that the coven will not be aware of the plan that is unfolding. Unaware that Sarah has broken free of Patty’s spell, the coven continues with their preparations. (The only reson I know Patty is the leader of the coven is from your earlier queries) Megan is also preparing so that she can to be the one to receive the Goddess and foil the intentions of Patty and the coven. Megan is then led through the woods to the ritual site by her new found accomplice Emma, who is a disgruntled coven member. Sarah joins them at the ritual circle when Emma needs to leave to prevent the coven from becoming aware of their plans.

Megan infiltrates the circle with Sarah’s help just as Patty is about to sacrifice Tom. Megan lunges at Patty and is able to stop her only to be injured in the scuffle. Tom is becomes aware again and with Sarah’s help escapes the circle while Megan calls the Goddess down to her. Once Megan is in control she releases the coven members, sets Emma free, and banishes Patty.

Just as she is losing her grip on life Tom, with the help of Sarah, rushes comes back and rushes her back to his cabin where he is able to convince her to stay with him and fight for her life. Sarah helps Megan by granting her blessing to the love that has grown between Megan and Tom. Now that Sarah is released from her bonds, she vanishes. Megan shares that she is pregnant with Tom’s child, the life-force. Happy and sad at the same time Tom and Megan fall asleep.

Years later Tom and Megan are back on their feet, working, raising their children and free from all the insanity that brought them together… or are they? (NO SURPRISES IN THE SYNOPSIS- REVEAL EVERYTHING! Even if it's just a sinister figure (Patty?) watching from an alley as Tom and Megan stroll by, you need to state that.)

Together Tom and Megan struggle through being followed by a coven, betrayed by trusted friends, and mesmerized by haunting melodies. During their journey they are helped by Sarah, Tom’s dead wife and with her blessing they discover a love that was destined to be.


*Whew* A lot more work than reviewing a query. Anyway, that's what I've got. You know the drill, PL. Take the best, chuck the rest. I for one want to read this :smile:

#3 PLGreen

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Posted 07 April 2011 - 03:41 PM

Okay. here we go!


*Whew* A lot more work than reviewing a query. Anyway, that's what I've got. You know the drill, PL. Take the best, chuck the rest. I for one want to read this :smile:



Thank you so much for your input. I will look at this and try to find a way to add in the missing information. I really appreciate your assistance.
P. L. Green

#4 PLGreen

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Posted 08 April 2011 - 12:21 PM

I have rethought this and here is what I have come up with. There is something about my MS that I am having a hard time incorporating. That is that you read the book with Tom and then you live the parallel story line as life unfolds later. I don't know how to incorporate that fact. If anyone has any suggestions I would really appreciate the help. Thank you. :wink:


A coven of witches wants the Goddess to appear to them and grant them renewed youth just as she does every ten years. But, they require a shining life-force to make it happen.

Tom McManus has one.

Having problems writing his manuscript, Tom is startled by a beautiful woman. She says her name is Megan and she is here to inspire him. He goes to his computer and begins to write. Before he knows it, he has written an entire manuscript, the woman is gone, and it’s daylight. Baffled by all of this he sits down to read the manuscript. Megan returns saying that this is a warning, he needs to stop the death of his family, if he can.

Megan is unaware of the contents of the story, only that it predicts the imminent death of Sarah, Tom’s wife and their future unborn child. The coven wants him to feel the sorrow of loss to make his life-force shine brightly. Megan wants to make sure he doesn’t.

Six years later, Sarah tells Tom she is pregnant. During his wife’s pregnancy he talks to her about what the story said. Together they do everything to prevent the inevitability of her death, but on that fateful night when she goes into labor there are complications.

Megan is a nurse at the hospital and tries to help Tom deal with the death of his family but when she steps out of the room, a Doctor wielding an athame’ tries to kill him. She returns just in time to save him and they escape from the hospital together. Driven by an unknown force they stop for the night and Megan astral projects to her friend Patty to see if she can help. Megan discovers that Patty is the coven leader and has been controlling everything from the beginning.

The next day they leave trying to get farther away. When they stop for the night they fall into each others arms and make love out of the need to feel something real and alive. Megan is awakened by a strange man in her room, discovering that Tom is not there she runs into the woods to escape.

A glowing orb approaches her and convinces her to follow it; slowly it turns into Sarah’s ghost. She helps Megan find the ritual circle and prepare for her role in saving Tom. Megan grabs a cloak and puts it on; when the time is right she steps forth and accepts the Goddess into her. Now the vessel of the Goddess she steps into the circle and pushes Patty away from the altar so that Sarah can take Tom to safety.

Patty attacks Megan with an athame’ but thanks to the Goddess, Megan is able to withstand the attack. The Goddess makes herself known to Patty driving her insane. The Goddess then bestows her gifts on the witches now that they are free of Patty’s control and returns to her domain. Megan is left alone, her strength and energy drained she falls to the ground. After seeing what has happened Sarah gets Tom to help Megan.

He carries her to safety, cares for her injuries and then lies down next to her to comfort her. She rolls into him and whispers she is pregnant then drifts off to sleep. Tom is happy now and he too falls asleep. While dreaming they are visited by Sarah and she tells them that this was meant to be, she gives them her blessing then vanishes. They awake in the morning refreshed, knowing their lives will be happy together.

Time passes and they begin to forget the past. They are raising their daughter and living life as usual. Tom is writing books and now that their daughter is in school Megan has gone back to work. All is well with the world, or is it? After all, they did have a child.

Together Tom and Megan struggle through being followed by a coven, betrayed by trusted friends, and mesmerized by haunting melodies. During their journey they are helped by Sarah, Tom’s dead wife and with her blessing they discover a love that was destined to be.
P. L. Green

#5 bkeats

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Posted 12 April 2011 - 08:23 AM

A coven of witches wants the Goddess to appear to them and grant them renewed youth just as she does every ten years. But, they require the sacrifice of a shining life-force to make it happen.

Tom McManus has one.

Having problems writing his manuscript, Tom is startled by a beautiful woman. (This reads like she walked in the front door. Have you changed this?) She says her name is Megan and she is here to inspire him. He goes to his computer and begins to write. Before he knows it, he has written an entire manuscript, the woman is gone, and it’s daylight. Baffled by all of this, he sits down to read the manuscript. Megan returns, saying that this is a warning. Tom needs to stop the death of his family, if he can.

Megan is unaware of the contents of the story; (The manuscript is done. Why doesn't Tom just show it to her?) only that it predicts the imminent death of Tom's wife Sarah Tom’s wife and their future unborn child. The coven wants him to feel the sorrow of loss to make his life-force shine brightly. Megan wants to make sure he his (referring to his life force) doesn’t.

Six years later, Sarah tells Tom she is pregnant. During his wife’s pregnancy, he talks to her about what the story said. Together they do everything to prevent the inevitability of her death, but on that fateful night when she goes into labor there are fatal complications.

Megan is a nurse at the hospital and tries to help Tom deal with the death of his family, but when she steps out of the room, a doctor wielding an athame’ (Never force your agent to reach for a dictionary. A "dagger" will do just fine here) tries to kill him. She returns just in time to save him and they escape from the hospital together. Driven by an unknown force they stop for the night and Megan astral projects to her friend Patty to see if she can help. Megan discovers that Patty is the coven leader and has been controlling everything from the beginning.

The next day they leave trying to get farther away. Tom and Megan flee. When they stop for the night, they fall into each others arms and make love out of the need to feel something real and alive. Megan awakens to find Tom gone and is awakened by a strange man in her room. She runs into the woods to escape. (Does the man follow? Who is he- another possessed coven assassin?)

A glowing orb approaches her and convinces her to follow it; slowly it turns into Sarah’s ghost. She Sarah's ghost appears and helps Megan find the ritual circle and prepare for her role in saving Tom. Megan grabs a cloak and puts it on; when the time is right she steps forth and accepts the Goddess into her. Now the vessel of the Goddess she steps into the circle and pushes Patty away from the altar so that Sarah can take Tom to safety.

Patty attacks Megan with an athame’ but thanks to the Goddess, Megan is able to withstand the attack. The Goddess makes herself known to Patty, driving her insane. The Goddess then bestows her gifts on the witches now that they are free of Patty’s control and returns to her domain. Megan, is left alone, her strength and energy drained , she falls to the ground. After seeing what has happened, Sarah gets Tom to help Megan.

He carries her to safety, cares for her injuries and then lies down next to her to comfort her. She rolls into him and whispers she is pregnant then drifts off to sleep. Tom is happy now and he too falls asleep. While dreaming they are visited by Sarah and she tells them that this was meant to be, she gives them her blessing then vanishes. They awake in the morning refreshed, knowing their lives will be happy together.

Time passes and they begin to forget the past. They are raising their daughter and living life as usual. Tom is writing books and now that their daughter is in school Megan has gone back to work. All is well with the world, or is it? After all, they did have a child. (Yes, but it's not Sarah's child. You imply the manuscript was pretty specific about Tom's life story)

Together Tom and Megan struggle through being followed by a coven, betrayed by trusted friends, and mesmerized by haunting melodies. During their journey they are helped by Sarah, Tom’s dead wife and with her blessing they discover a love that was destined to be.

The color function on the forums is still not working right, so a lot of punctuation corrections are not colored (You left out a lot of commas).

While some things are clearer now, I was wondering about the Goddess' motivations. She's never had a problem with accepting human sacrifices before in exchanging for granting youthfulness to her coven. She's clearly no goody-two-shoes. Why does merge with Megan and subsequently turn against Patty?

#6 PLGreen

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Posted 12 April 2011 - 09:12 AM

The color function on the forums is still not working right, so a lot of punctuation corrections are not colored (You left out a lot of commas).

While some things are clearer now, I was wondering about the Goddess' motivations. She's never had a problem with accepting human sacrifices before in exchanging for granting youthfulness to her coven. She's clearly no goody-two-shoes. Why does merge with Megan and subsequently turn against Patty?



Thank you, I will look at this and post a revised version shortly. I really do appreciate all of your assistance. :biggrin:
P. L. Green

#7 bkeats

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Posted 13 April 2011 - 01:31 PM

Crap. Posted by mistake- sorry, PL. I will review your latest version when it comes out :smile:

#8 PLGreen

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Posted 13 April 2011 - 08:18 PM

I'm having trouble making this shorter while still getting the point across, any input would be appreciated. Also, this story is about Tom but by ending the way it does it leaves room for the next generation to carry on, if needed. Let me know what you think. Thank you. PS: I have always had a comma problem so if you see missing or extra comma's let me know, Thanks again. :blush:


A coven of witches wants the Goddess to appear to them and grant them renewed youth just as she does every ten years. But, they require a shining life-force to make it happen.

Tom McManus has one.

Tom is having problems writing a new manuscript. He is restlessly pacing through his office when he is startled by the appearance of a beautiful woman. Unaware of who sent her Megan is impressed by Tom’s reaction to her astral projection into his office. The apparition speaks and introduces herself as Megan. She says that she has been sent by a friend to inspire him to right a special story. He returns to his computer still reeling from the shock of the woman’s sudden appearance and in a trance-like state begins to type. Before he realizes it, he has written an entire manuscript, the woman is gone, and it is daylight. Baffled by what has happened he decides to sit down and read the book.

Tom sits in his chair stunned by what he has read. Sarah comes in to bring him some lunch and during their brief conversation Megan makes another appearance. She now tells both of them that they need to be careful to prevent the events in the story from happening. Megan is unaware of the contents of the story only that it predicts the imminent death of Sarah and their future unborn child but she doesn’t share this information. Tom must feel the sorrow of loss to make his life-force shine brightly and the coven will make sure he does, Megan wants to make sure it doesn’t.

Six years pass and Tom has been thinking of the day when the muse visited him. Sarah comes in and tells him that she has good news, she’s pregnant. Now the story must be found. He finds it and reads it again. During his wife’s pregnancy he talks to her about what the story says and together they do everything to prevent the inevitability of her death, but on that fateful night when she goes into labor there are complications.

Meanwhile, Megan is completing her nursing degree and has now been working in the labor and delivery unit at the hospital for a year. She has been thinking about Tom and the visit she made to him but does not want to interfere with his life anymore. One night, just as she has feared, they roll Sarah into her delivery room. She is working as a liaison between Tom and the staff and realizes that Tom doesn’t recognize her at first. When Megan goes to get a report on the worsening condition of Tom’s wife and child a Doctor goes into to speak with Tom. Megan finds out that his family has died and when she goes to tell him she arrives just in time to stop an attack on him by the knife wielding Doctor.

Together they escape from the hospital suspecting that the Doctor was controlled by the coven due to the fact that he use and athame’ to attack. They drive as far as they can and exhausted pull over for the night. Megan decides to try and astral project to her friend Patty to see if she is aware of what is going on only to find out Patty has been orchestrating the whole thing. They get a few hours of sleep and leave again feeling that the coven will be able to track them. This time they stop in a small town at a rundown hotel and fatigued by everything that’s happened they fall onto the bed in each others arms. They make love out of the need to feel something real and alive.

Megan is awakened by a strange shadow in her doorway and discovers that Tom is gone. The man in the doorway chases her but she escapes and runs into the woods. There a glowing orb begins to appear to her and she discovers that it wants to help her; eventually it changes shape and becomes the vision of Tom’s wife Sarah. She is led to the ritual circle where Tom is lying on the altar.

Sarah helps her prepare for what is ahead. Megan grabs one of the witch’s cloaks and waits while Patty draws the Goddess down to her. Tom is lying on the altar and Patty is straddling him. At the pivotal moment of momentum in the ceremony the witches are dancing and the energy is strong Megan steps forth and takes in the Goddess before Patty can finish her part of the ceremony. With the Goddess’ strength she steps into the circle and pushes Patty off Tom and the altar, she then disperses the energy and begins to dismiss the circle. Tom is then taken to the hotel by Sarah to regain his strength and composure. Patty jumps up from behind the altar and stabs at Megan with the athame’ injuring her but with the Goddess’ power she is able to resist.

Patty begins to lose her hold on the circle and reality as she fights Megan, unaware that she is inhabited by the Goddess. The Goddess reveals herself to Patty and Patty breaks mentally. Some of the witches gather around Patty and escort her away; the others who have helped are given the gift of youth and then released from the circle as well. The Goddess then leaves Megan and she crumples to the ground fighting for her life. Her strength and energy are drained.

Sarah after seeing what has happened at the circle rushes back to tom and helps him find his way back to Megan. He scoops her up into his arms and following Sarah gets her back to the hotel and into bed. He bandages her wounds and then lies next to her gently praying for her to take his strength so she will survive. She rolls to him and whispers that she is pregnant and then falls asleep. Sarah visits both of them in a dream holding Tom’s son in her arms and tells him that this is what was meant to be. That she was never supposed to marry him, she was just supposed to meet him and introduce him to Megan but she fell in love and wanted to keep him for herself. She then gives Tom and Megan her blessing and vanishes.

The next morning they wake to find themselves healthy and refreshed knowing that they will be a happy and healthy family.

Time passes and they begin to forget the way they came together and the odd occurrences that happened but they still linger. They are raising their daughter and going about life as usual. Tom is writing books again and now that their child is in school Megan has gone back to work as well. All is well with the world, or is it? After all, they did have a child.

Together Tom and Megan struggle through being followed by a coven, betrayed by trusted friends, and mesmerized by haunting melodies. During their journey they are helped by Sarah, Tom’s dead wife and with her blessing they discover a love that was destined to be.
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#9 bkeats

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Posted 14 April 2011 - 12:24 PM

Take Three!

A coven of witches wants the Goddess to appear to them and grant them renewed youth just as she does every ten years. But, they require a shining life-force to make it happen.

Tom McManus has one.

Tom is having problems writing a new manuscript. He is restlessly pacing through his office when he is startled by the appearance of a beautiful woman. Unaware of who sent her, Megan is impressed by Tom’s reaction to her astral projection into his office. (POV Switch Alert! Besides, anyone who is astrally projecting would expect any non-believer seeing them to be startled) The apparition speaks and introduces herself as Megan. She says that she has been sent by a friend to inspire him to right write a very special story. He returns to his computer, still reeling from the shock of the woman’s sudden appearance and in a trance-like state begins to type. Before he realizes it, he has written an entire manuscript, the woman is gone, and it is daylight. Baffled by what has happened he decides to sit down and read t,he book.

Tom sits in his chair, stunned by what he has read. His wife Sarah comes in to bring him some lunch and during their brief conversation, Megan makes another appearance. She now tells both of them that they need to be careful to prevent the events in the story from happening. Megan is unaware of the contents of the story only that it predicts the imminent death of Sarah and their future unborn child but she doesn’t share this information. (This is confusing. Tom knows what he has written. Doesn't he know what the story predicts?) Tom must feel the sorrow of loss to make his life-force shine brightly and the coven will make sure he does. Megan wants to make sure it doesn’t. (Watch out for run-ons)

Six years pass and Tom has been thinking of the day when the muse visited him. Sarah comes in and tells him that she’s pregnant. Now the story must be found. He finds it and reads it again. During his wife’s pregnancy he talks to her about what the story says and together they do everything to prevent the inevitability of her death, but on that fateful night when she goes into labor there are complications.

Meanwhile, Megan is completing her nursing degree and has now been working in the labor and delivery unit at the hospital for a year. She has been thinking about Tom and the visit she made to him, but does not want to interfere with his life anymore. One night, just as she has feared, they roll Sarah into her delivery room. She is working as a liaison between Tom and the staff and realizes that Tom doesn’t recognize her at first. When Megan goes to get a report on the worsening condition of Tom’s wife and child a doctor goes into to speak with Tom. Megan finds out that his family has died and when she goes to tell him she arrives just in time to stop an attack on him by the knife wielding doctor.

Together they escape from the hospital, suspecting that the doctor was controlled by the coven due to the fact that he used an athame’ to attack. They drive as far as they can and exhausted, pull over for the night. Megan decides to try and astral project to her friend Patty to see if she is aware of what is going on only to find out Patty has been orchestrating the whole thing. They get a few hours of sleep and leave again feeling that the coven will be able to track them. This time they stop in a small town at a rundown hotel and fatigued by everything that’s happened, they fall onto the bed in each others arms. They make love out of the need to feel something real and alive.

Megan is awakened by a strange shadow in her doorway and discovers that Tom is gone. The man in the doorway chases her but she escapes and runs into the woods. There a glowing orb begins to appear to her and she discovers that it wants to help her; eventually it changes shape and becomes the vision of Tom’s wife Sarah. She is led to the ritual circle where Tom is lying on the altar.

Sarah helps her prepare for what is ahead. Megan grabs one of the witch’s cloaks and waits while Patty draws the Goddess down to her. Tom is lying on the altar and Patty is straddling him. At the pivotal moment of momentum in the ceremony, when the witches are dancing and the energy is strong, Megan steps forth and takes in the Goddess before Patty can finish her part of the ceremony. With the Goddess’ strength, she steps into the circle and pushes Patty off Tom and the altar, and then disperses the energy and begins to dismiss the circle. Tom is then taken to the hotel by Sarah to regain his strength and composure. Patty jumps up from behind the altar and stabs at Megan with the athame,’ injuring her but with the Goddess’ power she is able to resist.

Patty begins to lose her hold on the circle and reality as she fights Megan, unaware that she is inhabited by the Goddess. The Goddess reveals herself to Patty and Patty breaks down. Some of the witches gather around Patty and escort her away; the others who have helped are given the gift of youth and then released from the circle as well. The Goddess then leaves Megan and she crumples to the ground fighting for her life. Her strength and energy are drained.

Sarah, after seeing what has happened at the circle rushes back to tom and helps him find his way back to Megan. He scoops her up into his arms and following Sarah gets her back to the hotel and into bed. He bandages her wounds and then lies next to her gently praying for her to take his strength so she will survive. She rolls to him and whispers that she is pregnant and then falls asleep. Sarah visits both of them in a dream holding Tom’s son in her arms and tells him that this is what was meant to be. That she was never supposed to marry him, she was just supposed to meet him and introduce him to Megan, but she fell in love and wanted to keep him for herself. She then gives Tom and Megan her blessing and vanishes.

The next morning they wake to find themselves healthy and refreshed, knowing that they will be a happy and healthy family.

Time passes and they begin to forget the way they came together and the odd occurrences that happened but they still linger. They are raising their daughter and going about life as usual. Tom is writing books again and now that their child is in school Megan has gone back to work as well. All is well with the world, or is it? After all, they did have a child.

Together Tom and Megan struggle through being followed by a coven, betrayed by trusted friends, and mesmerized by haunting melodies. During their journey they are helped by Sarah, Tom’s dead wife and with her blessing they discover a love that was destined to be.


I'm still having formatting problems.After thre or four paragraphs, I can't utilize the edit functions so I've made a number of small changes you'll have to look for directly. You'e also still missing a lot of needed commas. In terms of the story and plot, this is looking much better. The obvious questions have been answered.

Anyone else have any feedback?
,,

#10 PLGreen

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Posted 15 April 2011 - 07:46 AM

Take Three!



I'm still having formatting problems.After thre or four paragraphs, I can't utilize the edit functions so I've made a number of small changes you'll have to look for directly. You'e also still missing a lot of needed commas. In terms of the story and plot, this is looking much better. The obvious questions have been answered.

Anyone else have any feedback?
,,


Thank you for your feedback. I will look to see what you have suggested and I will try and fix the commas. I really appreciate your time and input. :happy:
P. L. Green

#11 PLGreen

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Posted 15 April 2011 - 11:44 AM

OK, I have gone through the synopsis a couple of times and I think that I have refined it a bit. I know there are still comma issues as always. :blush: Eventually I will get better with them. Thanks and hope it's better this time.


A coven of witches wants the Goddess to appear to them and grant them renewed youth just as she does every ten years. But, they require a shining life-force to make it happen.

Tom McManus has one.

Tom is having problems writing a new manuscript. He is restlessly pacing through his office when he is startled by the appearance of a beautiful woman. The apparition speaks and introduces herself as Megan. She says that she has been sent by a friend to inspire him to write a very special story. He returns to his computer, still reeling from the shock of the woman’s sudden appearance and in a trance-like state begins to type. Before he realizes it, he has written an entire manuscript, the woman is gone, and it is daylight. Baffled by what has happened he decides to sit down and read the book.

Tom sits in his chair, stunned by what he has read. His wife Sarah comes in to bring him some lunch and during their brief conversation, Megan makes another appearance. She now tells both of them that they need to be careful to prevent the events in the story from happening. Megan is unaware of the contents of the story only that it predicts the imminent death of Sarah and their future unborn child but she doesn’t share this information with Sarah. Tom must feel the sorrow of loss to make his life-force shine brightly. The coven, led by a misguided witch, will make sure that he does. Megan wants to save him from the sorrow.

Six years pass and Tom has been thinking of the day when the muse visited him. Sarah comes in and tells him that she’s pregnant. Now the story must be found. He finds it and reads it again. During his wife’s pregnancy he talks to her about what the story says and together they do everything to prevent the inevitability of her death, but on that fateful night when she goes into labor there are complications.

Meanwhile, Megan has completed her nursing degree and has now been working in the labor and delivery unit at the hospital for a year. She has been thinking about Tom since the fateful visit, but does not want to interfere with his life anymore. One night, just as she has feared, they roll Sarah into her delivery room. She is working as a liaison between Tom and the staff and realizes that Tom doesn’t recognize her at first. When Megan goes to get a report on the worsening condition of Tom’s wife and child a doctor goes into to speak with Tom. Megan finds out that his family has died and when she goes to tell him, she arrives just in time to stop an attack on him by the knife wielding doctor.

Together they escape from the hospital, suspecting that the doctor was controlled by the coven due to the fact that he used an athame’ to attack. They drive as far as they can and exhausted, pull over for the night. Megan decides to try and astral project to her friend Patty to see if she is aware of what is going on, only to find out Patty has been orchestrating the whole thing. They get a few hours of sleep and leave again feeling that the coven will be able to track them. This time they stop in a small town at a rundown hotel and fatigued by everything that’s happened they fall onto the bed in each others arms. They make love out of the need to feel something real and alive.

Megan is awakened by a strange shadow in her doorway and discovers that Tom is gone. The man in the doorway looks like Tom but doesn’t act like him. Terrified she escapes from the room and runs into the woods. There a glowing orb begins to appear to her and she discovers that it wants to help her; eventually it changes shape and becomes the vision of Tom’s wife Sarah. She is led to the ritual circle where Tom is lying on the altar.

Sarah helps her prepare for what is ahead. Megan grabs one of the witch’s cloaks and waits while Patty draws the Goddess down to her. Tom is lying on the altar and Patty is straddling him. At the pivotal moment of momentum in the ceremony, when the witches are dancing and the energy is strong, Megan steps forth and takes in the Goddess before Patty can finish her part of the ceremony. With the Goddess’ strength, she enters the circle and pushes Patty off Tom and the altar. Then she disperses the energy and begins to dismiss the circle. Tom is taken back to the hotel by Sarah to regain his strength and composure. Patty jumps up from behind the altar and stabs at Megan with the athame,’ injuring her but with the Goddess’ power she is able to resist.

Patty begins to lose her hold on the circle and reality as she fights Megan, unaware that she is inhabited by the Goddess. The Goddess reveals herself to Patty and Patty breaks down. Some of the witches gather around Patty and escort her away; the others who have helped are given the gift of youth and then released from the circle as well. The Goddess then leaves Megan and she crumples to the ground fighting for her life. Her strength and energy are drained.

Sarah, after seeing what has happened at the circle rushes back to Tom and helps him find his way back to Megan. He scoops her up into his arms and following Sarah gets her back to the hotel and into bed. He bandages her wounds and then lies next to her gently praying for her to take his strength so she will survive. She rolls to him and whispers that she is pregnant and then falls asleep. Sarah visits both of them in a dream holding Tom’s son in her arms and tells him that this is what was meant to be. That she was never supposed to marry him, she was just supposed to meet him and introduce him to Megan, but she fell in love and wanted to keep him for herself. She then gives Tom and Megan her blessing and vanishes.

The next morning they wake to find themselves healthy and refreshed, knowing that they will be a happy and healthy family.

Time passes and they begin to forget the way they came together and the odd occurrences that happened but the feelings still linger. They are raising their daughter and going about life as usual. Tom is writing books again and now that their child is in school Megan has gone back to work as well. All is well with the world, or is it? After all, they did have a child.

Together Tom and Megan struggle through being followed by a coven, betrayed by trusted friends, and mesmerized by haunting melodies. During their journey they are helped by Sarah, Tom’s dead wife and with her blessing they discover a love that was destined to be.
P. L. Green

#12 Steve Brady

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Posted 19 April 2011 - 11:35 PM

Hi. Some thoughts:

It's not always clear what sort of being Megan is. At first she seems to be an apparition or a spirit: ghost or angel say. When she appears again, she is a normal person, a nurse. We never get how she has the power to make Tom write a prophetic novel or who sent her or why she is drawn to do this.

Tom must feel the sorrow of loss to make his life-force shine brightly. Because synopses and queries tend to try to express the protag's goals or purpose, on first read it sounds like his goal is to feel the loss. Not sure how to rephrase this section.

The last paragraph seems to come from a query. Consider cutting it as this synopsis is a little long.

#13 PLGreen

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Posted 20 April 2011 - 08:16 AM

Hi. Some thoughts:

It's not always clear what sort of being Megan is. At first she seems to be an apparition or a spirit: ghost or angel say. When she appears again, she is a normal person, a nurse. We never get how she has the power to make Tom write a prophetic novel or who sent her or why she is drawn to do this.

Tom must feel the sorrow of loss to make his life-force shine brightly. Because synopses and queries tend to try to express the protag's goals or purpose, on first read it sounds like his goal is to feel the loss. Not sure how to rephrase this section.

The last paragraph seems to come from a query. Consider cutting it as this synopsis is a little long.



Thanks Steve, I'll take a look and see if I can word things differently. Megan is a gypsy witch with the power to astral project, not sure how to make that clear. Also, she was told to do this by her friend who, happens to be the coven leader. Not sure how to add this either. I will cut the last paragraph as I was not sure if I needed it anyway.
P. L. Green

#14 PLGreen

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Posted 21 April 2011 - 04:39 PM

Alright, here is my latest attempt. I managed to get it down to 997 words but I am still trying to shorten if needed. Thanks for everyones help. It is greatly appreciated.


A coven of witches wants the Goddess to appear to them and grant them renewed youth just as she does every ten years. But, they require a shining life-force to make it happen.

Tom McManus has one. To make it shine brighter the coven will make him suffer a great sorrow. Megan wants to keep Tom safe and prevent the loss that will put Tom in the hands of the coven.

Tom is having problems writing a new manuscript. Restlessly pacing through his office, he is startled by an apparition. The apparition speaks and introduces herself as Megan. Megan is impressed by Tom’s reaction to her astral projection into his office. She says that she has been sent by a friend to inspire him to write a special story. In a trance-like state Tom returns to his computer and begins typing. Before he realizes it, he has written an entire manuscript, the woman is gone, and it is daylight. Baffled by what has happened, he sits down to read the book.

While Tom is sitting stunned, his wife Sarah brings him lunch. They are talking when Megan makes another appearance. She now tells both of them that they need to be careful as the events, in the story, could come true. Aware only of the predictions of demise, Megan returns to her own life, as a nursing student, hoping that she has helped.

Six years pass and Tom has been thinking of the day when the muse visited. Sarah tells him that she has good news, she’s pregnant. Now, the story must be found. He finds it and reads it again. During the pregnancy they talk about the story and together they struggle to prevent her death. But on that fateful night, when she goes into labor, there are complications.

Megan has completed her nursing degree and is now working in the labor and delivery unit at the local hospital. Tom has been in her thoughts but she doesn’t want to interfere with his life anymore. One night they roll Sarah into her delivery room. She is working as a liaison between Tom and the staff. Tom doesn’t recognize her at first. Megan leaves to get a report on Tom’s wife and child, when a Doctor goes into to speak with Tom. With the news that his family has died Megan returns to tell him, arriving just in time to stop an attack by the knife wielding Doctor.

Together they escape from the hospital suspecting that the Doctor was controlled by a coven, related to the athame’ he used. They drive as far as they can and exhausted pull over for the night. Hoping to get some help, Megan astral projects to her friend Patty, only to find out Patty is the coven leader. They get a few hours of sleep and leave again fearing that the coven will be able to track them. This time they stop in a small town, at a rundown hotel. Fatigued, they fall onto the bed and make love out of the need to feel something real and alive.

Megan wakes to find that Tom is gone. A shadow of a man in the doorway becomes visible, familiar yet foreign to Megan, this man steps toward her but does not speak. Fearing the vision she flees the hotel and runs into the woods where a glowing orb approaches her. She discovers that it wants to help, and eventually, it changes shape to become the vision of Tom’s wife Sarah. She is led to Tom and the coven.

With Sarah’s help, Megan prepares to stop Patty. She grabs a cloak and watches as the ritual begins. Tom is lying on the altar with Patty on top of him. The energy is growing with the momentum of the witches dancing and just as Patty calls upon the Goddess, Megan steps into the circle and accepts the Goddess into her. With the Goddess’ strength she pushes Patty off Tom and the altar. She then disperses the energy and begins to dismiss the circle. Sarah appears and takes Tom to the hotel to regain his strength and composure. Patty lunges forward from behind the altar and stabs Megan with the athame’ injuring her but with the Goddess’ power she remains strong.

Patty fights Megan unaware that she is inhabited by the Goddess. When the Goddess is revealed, Patty breaks and is escorted away. The gift of youth is bestowed on those who were of help. The circle is released and the Goddess leaves. Drained of her strength and energy Megan falls to the ground fighting for her life.

Sarah rushes to Tom and helps him find his way back to Megan. He scoops Megan up into his arms and follows Sarah back to the hotel. He bandages her wounds and then lies next to her, quietly praying for her to take his strength for survival. She rolls to him and whispers that she is pregnant as she falls asleep. Sarah visits both of them, in a dream, holding Tom’s son in her arms. She tells him that this is what was meant to be. She was never supposed to marry Tom. She was supposed to meet Tom and introduce him to Megan but she fell in love and wanted to keep him for herself. She bestows her blessing upon Tom and Megan and then vanishes.

The next morning they wake to find themselves healthy and refreshed knowing that they will be a happy and healthy family. However, memories linger, but as time passes they begin to forget the odd occurrences that brought them together. They are raising their daughter and going about life as usual. Tom is writing again and Megan has returned to work as a nurse now that their daughter has started school. All is well with the world, or is it? After all, they did have a child.
P. L. Green

#15 TansyRagwort

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Posted 26 April 2011 - 02:27 PM

The first two lines are straight out of your query. They've already read the query at this point, so just jump straight into the story. You can work that information into the synopsis elsewhere. Like start with the night of writing

Secondly, you never say what the story is about. So it doesn't connect why he'd be worried about it when his wife is finally pregnant.

Then you end with a lot of wrap up details that aren't important. The last bit about the child is. We don't need a whole paragraph though to get to that point. I think you can tighten that up a lot.

Hope that helps!

http://www.immortali...ify.php?book=25

http://www.immortali...books.php?id=25

 

THE IMPENDING DEMISE OF THE GIRL WITH BROWN EYES coming Dec 2013 from Immortal Ink Publishing.


#16 PLGreen

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Posted 26 April 2011 - 05:05 PM

The first two lines are straight out of your query. They've already read the query at this point, so just jump straight into the story. You can work that information into the synopsis elsewhere. Like start with the night of writing

Secondly, you never say what the story is about. So it doesn't connect why he'd be worried about it when his wife is finally pregnant.

Then you end with a lot of wrap up details that aren't important. The last bit about the child is. We don't need a whole paragraph though to get to that point. I think you can tighten that up a lot.

Hope that helps!


It does help a lot Tansy and I really appreciate your review. I will look at this and tighten it up with the more important info. Thanks so much!! :smile:
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#17 PLGreen

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Posted 26 April 2011 - 06:06 PM

Hi everyone, is this one any better? Thanks Tansy for the suggestions.

Tom, a writer, is restlessly pacing around his office when he is startled by an apparition. The apparition, impressed by Tom’s reaction to her sudden appearance, speaks and introduces herself as Megan. She says that she has been sent by a friend to inspire him to write a special story. In a trance-like state Tom returns to his computer and begins typing. Before he realizes it, he has written an entire manuscript, the woman is gone, and it is daylight. Baffled by what has happened, he sits down to read the book and discovers it is about the death of his family. Only he is doomed to die as a sacrifice by a coven of witches. “It’s just a story, right?” he thinks.

Sitting, stunned, his wife Sarah brings him lunch. While they’re eating Megan makes another appearance and tells them both that they need to be careful or the events, in the story, could come true. Aware only of the predictions of demise, Megan returns to her own life, as a nursing student, hoping that she has helped.

Sarah tells him that she has good news, she’s pregnant. Now, the memory of the story, and the muse, come back to him. Looking everywhere, he finds the story and reads it again. During the pregnancy they work to keep her safe and healthy. But on that fateful night, when she goes into labor, there are complications.

Megan, now a nurse on the labor and delivery unit at the local hospital, has often thought of Tom but she doesn’t want to interfere with his life anymore. One night they roll Sarah onto her unit. She works as a liaison between Tom and the staff. Tom doesn’t recognize her at first. Megan leaves to get a report on Tom’s wife and child, when a Doctor goes into to speak with Tom. With the news that his family has died, Megan returns to tell him, arriving just in time to stop an attack by the knife wielding Doctor.

Together, they escape from the hospital suspecting that the Doctor was controlled by a coven, related to the athame’ he used. They drive as far as they can and exhausted pull over for the night. Hoping to get some help, Megan astral projects to her friend Patty, only to find out Patty is the coven leader. They get a few hours of sleep and leave again fearing that the coven will be able to track them. This time they stop in a small town, at a rundown hotel. Fatigued, they fall onto the bed and make love out of the need to feel something real and alive.

Megan wakes to find that Tom is gone. A shadow of a man in the doorway becomes visible, familiar yet foreign to Megan, this man steps toward her but does not speak. Fearing the vision, she flees the hotel and runs into the woods where a glowing orb approaches her. She discovers that it wants to help, and eventually, it morphs in to the vision of Tom’s wife Sarah. She is led to Tom and the coven.

With Sarah’s help, Megan prepares to stop Patty. She grabs a cloak and watches as the ritual begins. Tom is lying on the altar with Patty on top of him. The energy is growing with the momentum of the witches dancing and just as Patty calls upon the Goddess, Megan steps into the circle and accepts the Goddess into her. With the Goddess’ strength she pushes Patty off Tom and the altar. She then disperses the energy and begins to dismiss the circle. Sarah appears and takes Tom to the hotel to regain his strength and composure. Patty lunges forward from behind the altar and stabs Megan with the athame’ injuring her but with the Goddess’ power she remains strong.

Patty fights Megan unaware that she is inhabited by the Goddess. When the Goddess is revealed, Patty breaks and is escorted away. The gift of youth is bestowed on those who were of help. The circle is released and the Goddess leaves. Drained of her strength and energy Megan falls to the ground fighting for her life.

Sarah rushes to Tom and helps him find his way back to Megan. He scoops Megan up into his arms and follows Sarah back to the hotel. He bandages her wounds and then lies next to her, quietly praying for her to take his strength for survival. She rolls to him and whispers that she is pregnant as she falls asleep. Sarah visits both of them, in a dream, holding Tom’s son in her arms. She tells him that this is what was meant to be. She was never supposed to marry Tom. She was supposed to meet Tom and introduce him to Megan but she fell in love and wanted to keep him for herself. She bestows her blessing upon Tom and Megan and then vanishes.

The next morning they wake up and all is well with the world, or is it?

After all, they did have a child.
P. L. Green

#18 TansyRagwort

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Posted 26 April 2011 - 08:59 PM

Okay so you followed my advice halfway. Yes get rid of the lines that are directly from your query, but still work the information into the synopsis. Because they use it for other things besides deciding if you can read a story. We still need to know they want a baby and why.

Also, what's a athame'?

Also, also, on the second paragraph you have a dangling modifier. It looks like his wife is sitting stunned, when in fact Tom is.

http://www.immortali...ify.php?book=25

http://www.immortali...books.php?id=25

 

THE IMPENDING DEMISE OF THE GIRL WITH BROWN EYES coming Dec 2013 from Immortal Ink Publishing.


#19 PLGreen

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Posted 27 April 2011 - 06:34 AM

Okay so you followed my advice halfway. Yes get rid of the lines that are directly from your query, but still work the information into the synopsis. Because they use it for other things besides deciding if you can read a story. We still need to know they want a baby and why.

Also, what's a athame'?

Also, also, on the second paragraph you have a dangling modifier. It looks like his wife is sitting stunned, when in fact Tom is.


Sorry Tansy, kids were driving me whacko. I will fix and repost. Thanks for the input. :blush:
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#20 PLGreen

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Posted 27 April 2011 - 07:01 AM

Hi Everyone,

After looking at Tansy's advice I went back through my MS and discovered some inconsistencies. I will be rewriting and posting a new updated version of my Synopsis and Query once I review things more. Thanks for everything.
P. L. Green




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