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#1 Brandi

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Posted 07 April 2011 - 03:15 PM

Okay, I thought query writing was a nightmare. Yeah, this is worse. I'm trying to write a one-to-two page synopsis for the literary agents. This is right about one page, but I'm not sure on the flow. I appreciate any help!

After nearly dying from wounds suffered in a demon attack and discovering he is one of the last Guardians in the world, Asher thinks he has enough problems—until he burst into flames and the real trouble begins. Transformed into a frightening, orange-skinned beast, Asher flies away from the school of magic on a pair of black wings, taking with him his sparring partner Lydia. He and Lydia are then captured by the dark wizard Werden, who reveals that Asher is possessed by a fire spirit known as an ifrit. Werden forces the boy to serve as his weapon. He puts a collar around Asher’s neck that allows him to control both the boy and the ifrit, but the collar cannot fully overpower their combined wills, and Asher finds the strength to defy Werden’s order to kill the deposed lord of Darganra.

When Lydia is injured by a sorceress during the battle for Werden’s second conquest, the ifrit and Asher become enraged, and their combined wrath is insurmountable. After the battle, Asher wrestles with the deaths on his hands and a growing fear that he will harm Lydia. A member of a forest-dwelling people is assigned to watch over Asher and Lydia, and as he spends time with them, he feels his loyalties shift.

An encounter during the battle for Werden’s third target stirs the ifrit’s bloodlust, and Asher is forced to fly away from Lydia before he harms her, which leaves him open to a sorcerer’s attack. As the hundreds of ice needles numb his body, Asher crashes into the sea below the castle and Lydia collapses. When he at last returns to the castle, a healer is sent to care for him and Lydia. Asher and the healer grow closer on the journey to Werden’s next destination, and Lydia grows jealous of their relationship. Her jealousy turns to hostility towards Asher, and it,coupled with the lingering effects of Werden’s punishments and the strain of sharing his body with the ifrit, tears Asher’s soul. The pressures of his Guardian bonds only worsen his condition, and he realizes his time to stop Werden and help his friends is growing short.

The battle for the fourth castle leaves its ruler dead at the ifrit’s hands, and the bloodlust rises stronger than ever before. When he nearly kills his friends, Lydia’s anger overwhelms her, and she dismisses Asher as her Guardian, which hastens the decline of his health. His bond to Lydia broken and plagued by uncontrollable bouts of rage, he recognizes his time is shorter than he thought. He makes plans with the Sylv, and then walks knowingly into the trap set for him by the ruler of the final castle that bars Werden’s path to the throne. He convinces her to follow his plan to trap Werden, and then struggles to hold himself together as his plan unfolds.

The throne is almost in reach before Werden learns that Asher has double-crossed him. As the king and his vassals’ armies surround him, Werden turns his lethal magic on Asher. Though he knows it will kill him, Asher releases the ifrit and watches as the fire spirit incinerates Werden from the inside out before he is blinded by a white light and his consciousness fades.

Believing Asher dead, his friends are invited to visit the forest-dweller's home, where he reveals to them that Asher is alive though his health is fading. One of his friends manages to heal a small part of his wounded soul. Asher wakes, and with wonder, realizes that he will survive.
I'm starting to think writing is a form of masochism, hehe.

#2 A.M.Supinger

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Posted 08 April 2011 - 01:27 PM

Okay, I thought query writing was a nightmare. Yeah, this is worse. I'm trying to write a one-to-two page synopsis for the literary agents. This is right about one page, but I'm not sure on the flow. I would say that if it is only one page, you have a bit of room to add more detail I appreciate any help!

After nearly dying from wounds suffered in a demon attack and discovering he is one of the last Guardians in the world, Asher thinks he has enough problems—until he burst into flames and the real trouble begins. I would take a moment here to explain what a Guardian is Transformed into a frightening, orange-skinned beast, Asher flies away from the school of magic on a pair of black wings, taking with him his sparring partner Lydia. He and Lydia are then captured by the dark wizard Werden, who (I would revise to: The dark wizard Werden captures them and...) reveals that Asher is possessed by a fire spirit known as an ifrit. Werden forces the boy Asher to serve as his living (I like this from your query) weapon. He puts a collar around Asher’s neck that allows him to control both the boy and the ifrit, but the collar cannot fully overpower their combined wills, and Asher finds the strength to defy Werden’s order to kill the deposed lord of Darganra. murder (Is the specific lord important to your story? Or is he just someone that needs to be killed? Keep it as simple as possible).

When Lydia is injured by a sorceress during the battle for Werden’s second conquest (huh? 2nd conquest?), the ifrit and Asher become enraged, and their combined wrath is insurmountable. After the battle, Asher wrestles with the deaths on his hands and a growing fear that he will harm Lydia. A member of a forest-dwelling people is assigned to watch over Asher and Lydia, and as he spends time with them, he feels his loyalties shift This feels like it is an abrupt shift of topic.

An encounter during the battle for Werden’s third target stirs the ifrit’s bloodlust, and Asher is forced to fly away from Lydia (why is she in the battle at all? Does she have magic?) before he harms her, which leaves him open to a sorcerer’s attack. As the hundreds of ice needles numb his body, Asher crashes into the sea below the castle and Lydia collapses. When Asher at last returns to the castle, a healer is sent to care for him and Lydia. Asher and the healer grow closer on the journey to Werden’s next destination, and Lydia grows jealous of their relationship. Her jealousy turns to hostility towards Asher, and it,coupled with the lingering effects of Werden’s punishments (huh? when did he get punished, and how?) and the strain of sharing his body with the ifrit, tears Asher’s soul. The pressures of his Guardian (needs to be explained) bonds only worsen his condition, and he realizes his time to stop Werden and help his friends is growing short.

The battle for the fourth castle leaves its ruler dead at the ifrit’s hands, and the bloodlust rises stronger than ever before. When he nearly kills his friends, Lydia’s anger overwhelms her, and she dismisses Asher as her Guardian, which hastens the decline of his health. His bond to Lydia broken and plagued by uncontrollable bouts of rage, he recognizes his time is shorter than he thought. He makes plans with the Sylv, (the what?) and then walks knowingly into the trap set for him by the ruler of the final castle that bars Werden’s path to the throne. He convinces her to follow his plan to trap Werden, and then struggles to hold himself together as his plan unfolds.

The throne is almost in reach before Werden learns that Asher has double-crossed him. As the king and his vassals’ armies surround him, Werden turns his lethal magic on Asher. Though he knows it will kill him, Asher releases the ifrit and watches as the fire spirit incinerates Werden from the inside out before he is blinded by a white light and his consciousness fades.

Believing Asher dead, his friends are invited to visit the forest-dweller's home, where he reveals to them that Asher is alive though his health is fading (How did he get to the forest-dwellers home?). One of his friends manages to heal a small part of his wounded soul. Asher wakes, and with wonder, realizes that he will survive. Aw...no happy ending with Ldia?


okay, so I think this story kicks butt and sounds awesome, but you need to lay out the interlopers plan in the beginning, explain what a Guardian is, why Lydia is important and give us something that makes us really smile at the end. Living and surviving are great - but what does Asher have to live for if part of his soul is still wounded and he isn't a guardian?
Good luck!
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#3 bkeats

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Posted 08 April 2011 - 02:14 PM

After nearly dying from wounds suffered in a demon attack and discovering he is one of the last Guardians in the world, Asher thinks he has enough problems—until he burst into flames and the real trouble begins. (This is worth its own paragraph, I think)

Transformed into a frightening, orange-skinned beast, Asher flies away from the school of magic on a pair of black wings (This is a Guardian? Sounds like a demon to me), taking with him his sparring partner, Lydia. He and Lydia are then captured by the dark wizard Werden, who reveals that Asher is possessed by a fire spirit known as an ifrit. (How does being a Guardian fit into all this?) Werden forces the boy to serve as his weapon. He puts a collar around Asher’s neck that allows him to control both the boy and the ifrit, but the collar cannot fully overpower their combined wills, and Asher finds the strength to defy Werden’s order to kill the deposed lord of Darganra.

When Lydia is injured by a sorceress during the battle for Werden’s second attempted? conquest, the ifrit and Asher become enraged, and their combined wrath is insurmountable. After the battle, Asher wrestles with the deaths (Whose deaths? Innocents?) on his hands and a growing fear that he will harm Lydia. A member of a forest-dwelling people is assigned to watch over Asher and Lydia, and as he spends time with them, he feels his loyalties shift. (Shift? It's been clear since the beginning that Asher cannot stand being Werden's slave- or am I missing something?)

An encounter during the battle for Werden’s third target stirs the ifrit’s bloodlust, and Asher is forced to fly away from Lydia before he harms her, which leaves him open to a sorcerer’s (friend or foe of Werden?) attack. As the hundreds of ice needles numb his body, Asher crashes into the sea below the castle (What castle?) and Lydia collapses. (Why?) When he at last returns to the castle, a healer is sent to care for him and Lydia. Asher and the healer grow closer on the journey to Werden’s next destination, and Lydia grows jealous of their relationship. Her jealousy turns to hostility towards Asher, and it that, coupled with the lingering effects of Werden’s punishments and the strain of sharing his body with the ifrit, tears Asher’s soul. The pressures of his Guardian bonds only worsen his condition, and he realizes his time to stop Werden and help his friends is growing short.

The battle for the fourth castle leaves its ruler dead at the ifrit’s hands, and the bloodlust rises stronger than ever before. When he nearly kills his friends, Lydia’s anger overwhelms her, and she dismisses Asher as her Guardian, which hastens the decline of his health. His bond to Lydia broken and plagued by uncontrollable bouts of rage, he recognizes his time is shorter than he thought. He makes plans with the Sylv (Who? What?), and then walks knowingly into the trap set for him by the ruler of the final castle that bars Werden’s path to the throne. He convinces her to follow his plan to trap Werden, and then struggles to hold himself together as his plan unfolds.

The throne is almost in reach before Werden learns that Asher has double-crossed him. As the king and his vassals’ armies surround him, Werden turns his lethal magic on Asher. Though he knows it will kill him, Asher releases the ifrit and watches as the fire spirit incinerates Werden from the inside out before he is blinded by a white light and his consciousness fades.

Believing Asher dead, his friends are invited to visit the forest-dweller's home, where he reveals to them that Asher is alive though his health is fading. One of his friends manages to heal a small part of his wounded soul. Asher wakes, and with wonder, realizes that he will survive.


This is pretty cool (or should I say, pretty hot? :cool: ). I think you just need to clarify things a bit. Are the Sylv the forest race, for example? What exactly is a Guardian? And just what the hell happens to Lydia, anyway?)

A.M. and I seem to be in agreement here, so now I'll just ask for others to comment.

Write on!

#4 Brandi

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Posted 08 April 2011 - 03:27 PM

Ha! I love it when my doubts are confirmed. Sorry about the Sylv thing. They are the forest-dwellers, but I was trying to omit the actual name for brevity. I will definitely add in explanations of Guardians and Sylvs as well. Both play a part in the major events and there's just no way to leave them out.

As for the ending, hehe, this is actually the first book of a series, and things have yet to be sorted out on the Asher-Lydia front.

Thanks for the suggestions! Feel free to rip apart draft two when I post it! :)
I'm starting to think writing is a form of masochism, hehe.

#5 PLGreen

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Posted 10 April 2011 - 06:24 PM

Brandi, I don't have much to add. I think this looks really cool and look forward to the chance to read it. I have to ask is Ifrit based on a Final Fantasy character, he sounds that is what caught my eye. Believe it or not I am not a huge reader of this genre but this sounds great just explain who everyone is a little better so it isn't so confusing. Thanks for letting me read your synopsis.
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#6 Brandi

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Posted 10 April 2011 - 10:05 PM

Hehe Ifrit is a final fantasy character, but it's also a type of jinn. I'll work on those descriptions! Thanks for the input :)
I'm starting to think writing is a form of masochism, hehe.

#7 Brandi

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Posted 11 April 2011 - 09:20 AM

Okay, here's round two. I have a little room left, so let me know what you need to know so this thing makes sense! Thanks for all the help, you are all awesome! :)


After nearly dying from wounds suffered in a demon attack and discovering he is one of the last Guardians in the world, Asher thinks he has enough problems—until he burst into flames and the real trouble begins.

While his Guardian nature compels him to protect those he cares for most deeply, what he has become now craves violence and destruction. Transformed into a frightening, orange-skinned beast, Asher flies away from the school of magic on a pair of black wings, taking with him his sparring partner Lydia. The dark wizard Werden captures them and reveals that Asher is possessed by a fire spirit known as an ifrit and forces Asher to serve as his living weapon. He puts a collar around Asher’s neck that allows him to control both the boy and the ifrit, but the collar cannot fully overpower their combined wills, and Asher repeatedly defies Werden’s orders. The collar also lets Werden punish Asher, but even the agony it inflicts on him cannot tame Asher’s rebelliousness.

When Lydia is injured by a sorceress during the battle for Werden’s second goal, the ifrit and Asher become enraged, and their joined wrath is insurmountable. After the battle, Asher wrestles with the guilt over those he killed and a growing fear that he will harm Lydia. As Asher sleeps, Lydia begins a conversation with their hooded guard and learns that he is a member of a forest-dwelling people known as a Sylv. Assigned to watch over Asher and Lydia, the Sylv finds as he spends time with them, his loyalties shift from Werden to Asher.

The battle for Werden’s third target stirs the ifrit’s bloodlust, and even after Werden’s army routs the castle’s defenders, Asher cannot calm the ifrit’s hunger for violence. Lydia finds him on the castle roof, and Asher is forced to fly away from her before he harms her, which exposes him to a retreating sorcerer’s attack. As hundreds of ice needles numb his body, Asher crashes into the sea below the seized castle and Lydia, thinking Asher is dead, collapses. When he at last returns to the castle, a healer is sent to care for both of them, and she and Lydia combine their magic to remove the ice from Asher’s body. Asher and the healer become close on the journey to Werden’s next destination, and Lydia grows jealous of their relationship. Her jealousy turns to hostility towards Asher, and that, coupled with the lingering effects of Werden’s punishments and the strain of sharing his body with the ifrit, tears Asher’s soul. The pressures of his Guardian bonds only worsen his condition, and he realizes his time to stop Werden and help his friends is growing short.

The battle for the fourth castle leaves its ruler dead at the ifrit’s hands, and the bloodlust rises stronger than ever before. When Asher nearly kills their friends, Lydia’s anger overwhelms her, and she dismisses him as her Guardian, which hastens the decline of his health. His bond to Lydia broken and plagued by uncontrollable bouts of rage, he recognizes his time is shorter than he thought. He makes plans with the Sylv, and then walks knowingly into the trap set for him by the ruler of the final castle that bars Werden’s path to the throne. He convinces the castle’s ruler to follow his plan to trap Werden, and then struggles to hold himself together as his plan unfolds.
The throne is almost in reach before Werden learns that he has been double-crossed. As the king and his vassals’ armies surround him, Werden turns his lethal magic on Asher. Though he knows it will kill him, Asher releases the ifrit and watches as the fire spirit incinerates Werden from the inside out before he is blinded by a white light and his consciousness fades.

Believing Asher dead, Lydia and her friends are invited to visit a Sylv Forest, where her former guard reveals to them that he had carried Asher from the battlefield alive. Though the ifrit attempted to seal his soul, Asher is slowly fading. One of his friends wields a unique magic and manages to heal a small part of Asher’s wounded soul. Asher wakes, and with wonder, realizes that he will survive.
I'm starting to think writing is a form of masochism, hehe.

#8 bkeats

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Posted 11 April 2011 - 10:08 AM

Off of round two...

After nearly dying from wounds suffered in a demon attack and discovering he is one of the last Guardians in the world, Asher thinks he has enough problems—until he burst into flames and the real trouble begins.

While his Guardian nature compels him to protect those he cares for most deeply, what he has become now craves violence and destruction. Transformed into a frightening, orange-skinned beast, Asher flies away from the school of magic on a pair of black wings, taking with him his sparring partner Lydia. The dark wizard Werden captures them and reveals that Asher is possessed by a fire spirit known as an ifrit and forces Asher to serve as his living weapon. He puts a collar around Asher’s neck that allows him to control both the boy and the ifrit, but the collar cannot fully overpower their combined wills, and Asher repeatedly defies Werden’s orders. The collar also lets Werden punish Asher, but even the agony it inflicts on him cannot tame Asher’s rebelliousness.

When Lydia is injured by a sorceress during the battle for Werden’s second goal, the ifrit and Asher become enraged, and their joined wrath is insurmountable. (Resulting in what?) After the battle, Asher wrestles with the guilt over those he killed and a growing fear that he will harm Lydia. As Asher sleeps, Lydia begins a conversation with their hooded guard and learns that he is a member of a forest-dwelling people known as a the ("a member of") Sylv. Assigned to watch over Asher and Lydia, the Sylv finds as he spends time with them, his loyalties shift from Werden to Asher.

The battle for Werden’s third target stirs the ifrit’s bloodlust, and even after Werden’s army routs the castle’s defenders, Asher cannot calm the ifrit’s hunger for violence. Lydia finds him on the castle roof, and Asher is forced to fly away from her before he harms her, which exposes him to a retreating sorcerer’s attack. As hundreds of ice needles numb his body, Asher crashes into the sea below the seized castle and Lydia, thinking Asher is dead, collapses. When he at last returns to the castle, a healer is sent to care for both of them, and she and Lydia combine their magic to remove the ice from Asher’s body. Asher and the healer become close on the journey to Werden’s next destination, and Lydia grows jealous of their relationship. Her jealousy turns to hostility towards Asher, and that, coupled with the lingering effects of Werden’s punishments and the strain of sharing his body with the ifrit, tears at Asher’s soul. The pressures of his Guardian bonds (This is still too vague) only worsen his condition, and he realizes his time to stop Werden and help his friends is growing short.

The battle for the fourth castle leaves its ruler dead at the ifrit’s (This sounds like the ifrit emerged from Asher's body) hands, and the bloodlust rises stronger than ever before. When Asher nearly kills their friends, Lydia’s anger overwhelms her, and she dismisses him as her Guardian, which hastens the decline of his health. His bond to Lydia broken and plagued by uncontrollable bouts of rage, he recognizes his time is shorter than he thought. He makes plans with the Sylv, and then walks knowingly into the trap set for him by the ruler of the final castle that bars Werden’s path to the throne. He convinces the castle’s ruler to follow his plan to trap Werden, and then struggles to hold himself together as his plan unfolds.

The throne is almost in reach before Werden learns that he has been double-crossed. As the king and his vassals’ armies surround him, Werden turns his lethal magic on Asher. Though he knows it will kill him, Asher releases the ifrit and watches as the fire spirit incinerates Werden from the inside out before he is blinded by a white light and his consciousness fades.

Believing Asher dead, Lydia and her friends are invited to visit a Sylv Forest, where her former guard reveals to them that he had carried Asher from the battlefield alive. Though the ifrit attempted to seal (?) his soul, Asher is slowly fading. One of his friends wields a unique magic and manages to heal a small part of Asher’s wounded soul. Asher wakes, and with wonder, realizes that he will survive.


Looking better, Brandi, :smile: but I still have no clue what a Guardian is, or does.

I myself am not an anime fan (The last anime series I watched was Speed Racer, thank you very much), but I'll just issue a generic, blanket warning. If everyone who reads your manuscript starts thinking of Final Fantasy, you may want to consider a name change. For myself, the term "ifrit" makes me immediately think of the fire-loving "efreet," a type of djinn from D&D, but that's my particular weirdness.. :blink:

P.S. I'm sorry, but the color function seemes to be disabled.

#9 A.M.Supinger

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Posted 11 April 2011 - 06:33 PM

I agree with bkeats. We need more information about Guardians and at least a snippet about Werden's master plan for the throne.

I feel like all my other questions are answered :biggrin: I will read it when you get published!
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#10 Brandi

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Posted 13 April 2011 - 03:12 PM

Number 3, slightly modified :)

After nearly dying from wounds suffered in a demon attack and discovering he is one of the last Guardians in the world, Asher thinks he has enough problems—until he burst into flames and the real trouble begins.

Resting in the boy’s dormitory, Asher sprouts a pair of black wings and is filled with terror at the sight of his shadow on the wall. Thinking he is a monster, Asher’s turmoil is only heightened when his teacher tells him that he is descended from a race of beings known as Guardians who defended the wizards kings of ages past. Guardians form bonds with those they protect which cannot be severed lightly. While his Guardian nature compels him to protect those he cares for most deeply, what he becomes next craves violence and destruction. Transformed into a frightening, orange-skinned beast, Asher flies away from the school of magic, taking with him his ice-wielding ,sparring partner Lydia. The dark wizard Werden captures them and reveals that Asher is possessed by a fire spirit known as an ifrit and forces Asher to serve as his living weapon. He puts a collar around Asher’s neck that allows him to control both the boy and the ifrit, but the collar cannot fully overpower their combined wills, and Asher repeatedly defies Werden’s orders. The collar also lets Werden punish Asher, but even the agony it inflicts on him cannot tame Asher’s rebelliousness.

When Lydia is injured by a sorceress during the battle for Werden’s second goal, the ifrit and Asher become enraged, and their joined wrath is insurmountable as together they slaughter their adversaries. After the battle, Asher wrestles with the guilt over those he killed and a growing fear that he will harm Lydia. As Asher sleeps, Lydia begins a conversation with their hooded guard and learns that he is a member of a forest-dwelling people known Sylvs. Assigned to watch over Asher and Lydia, the Sylv finds as he spends time with them, his loyalties shift from Werden to Asher.

The battle for Werden’s third target stirs the ifrit’s bloodlust, and even after Werden’s army routs the castle’s defenders, Asher cannot calm the ifrit’s hunger for violence. Lydia finds him on the castle roof, and Asher is forced to fly away from her before he harms her, which exposes him to a retreating sorcerer’s attack. As hundreds of ice needles numb his body, Asher crashes into the sea below the seized castle and Lydia, thinking Asher is dead, collapses. When he at last returns to the castle, a healer is sent to care for both of them, and she and Lydia combine their magic to remove the ice from Asher’s body. Asher and the healer become close on the journey to Werden’s next destination, and Lydia grows jealous of their relationship. Her jealousy turns to hostility towards Asher, and that, coupled with the lingering effects of Werden’s punishments and the strain of sharing his body with the ifrit, tears Asher’s soul. The pressures of his Guardian bonds only worsen his condition, and he realizes his time to stop Werden and help his friends is growing short.

In the battle for the fourth castle, the castle’s ruler stabs Asher, and the ifrit takes control and kills him. Though the ifrit quickly gives control back to Asher, the bloodlust rises stronger than ever before, and before he can stifle it, he is confronted by his friends. When Asher nearly kills them, Lydia’s anger overwhelms her. She dismisses him as her Guardian, which hastens the decline of his health. His bond to Lydia broken and plagued by uncontrollable bouts of rage, he recognizes his time is shorter than he thought. He makes plans with the Sylv, and then walks knowingly into the trap set for him by the ruler of the final castle that bars Werden’s path to the throne. He convinces the castle’s ruler to follow his plan to trap Werden, and then struggles to hold himself together as his plan unfolds.

The throne is almost in reach before Werden learns that he has been double-crossed. As the king and his vassals’ armies surround him, Werden turns his lethal magic on Asher. Though he knows it will kill him, Asher releases the ifrit and watches as the fire spirit incinerates Werden from the inside out before he is blinded by a white light and his consciousness fades.

Believing Asher dead, Lydia and her friends are invited to visit a Sylv Forest, where her former guard reveals to them that he had carried Asher from the battlefield alive. Before he returned to his realm of fire, the ifrit places a seal on Asher to save him, but it is unable to repair the damage already done, and only succeeds in delaying Asher’s descent into death . One of his friends wields a unique magic and manages to heal a small part of Asher’s wounded soul. Asher wakes, and with wonder, realizes that he will survive.
I'm starting to think writing is a form of masochism, hehe.

#11 icarus13

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Posted 13 April 2011 - 04:49 PM

Seems that you are going through the same dilema as I am of what to include in a query letter, how long, should I withhold info, etc...

#12 Brandi

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Posted 14 April 2011 - 07:09 AM

Actually, I'm not doing too bad on the query. I got a couple thumbs-up on it, so I decided to work on my one-two page synopsis. :)
I'm starting to think writing is a form of masochism, hehe.

#13 Brandi

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Posted 18 April 2011 - 07:15 AM

:wacko:
I'm starting to think writing is a form of masochism, hehe.

#14 Steve Brady

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Posted 19 April 2011 - 02:53 PM

Looks like a functional synopsis. Most of my comments are to pep up some sentences; the contradiction is that a synopsis is "just the facts" but it's also a marketing tool... I like how Asher's emotions come through; I'll think about that in my synopsis.

The first paragraph seems like a query-hook, which is a fine idea but I get confused. In the next paragraph he discovers he's a Guardian, I guess he bursts into flames when he fights via the Ifrit, but when does he nearly die from wounds?

Resting in the boy’s dormitory, Asher sprouts a pair of black wings and is filled with terror at the sight of his shadow on the wall. Thinking he is a monster,Obvious Asher’s turmoil is only heightened when his teacher tells him that he is descended from a race of beings known as Guardians who defended the wizards kings of ages past. Guardians form bonds with those they protect which cannot be severed lightly. Use this sentence somewhere else, relevant to his bond with Lydia, say. Here it breaks the flow While his Guardian nature compels him to protect those he cares for most deeply, what he becomes next craves violence and destruction. Transformed into a frightening, orange-skinned beast, This part is unwieldy: consider something like: But while his Guardian nature compels him to protect those he cares for most deeply,he has now transformed into a frightening, orange-skinned beast who craves violence and destruction. Asher flies away from the school of magic, taking with him his ice-wielding ,sparring partner Lydia. Weird construction, ditch the comma and hyphenate sparring-partner. Also, can you be more specific on ice-wielding? Could mean ice-magic, controlling ice, or simply stabbing with an icicle. For example: his ice-sorceress sparring-partner Lydia. And end this paragraph here; it's too long now and the next part stands alone

You jump right into Werden's second goal, 4th castle, etc. as if it's standard operating procedure for evil wizards to assign a series of labors to their captives. Introduce the series witha sentence.

Before he returned to his realm of fire, the ifrit places a seal on Asher to save him, but it is unable to repair the damage already done, and only succeeds in delaying Asher’s descent into death Oops! Space before period.

#15 Brandi

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Posted 20 April 2011 - 02:48 PM

Thanks for the reply, Steve! Here's round four? Yeah, I think four. :blink:



Discovering he is one of the last Guardians in the world, Asher thinks he has enough problems—until he burst into flames and the real trouble begins.

Weakened from wounds suffered in a demon attack, Asher rests in the boy’s dormitory when he sprouts a pair of black wings and is filled with terror at the sight of his shadow on the wall. Asher’s turmoil is only heightened when his teacher tells him that he is descended from a race of beings known as Guardians. This race throughout history defended the wizard-kings of Prinhalst, and the bonds they form with those they protect which cannot be severed lightly. While his Guardian nature compels him to protect those he cares for most deeply, what he becomes next craves violence and destruction. Transformed into a frightening, orange-skinned beast, Asher flies away from the school of magic, taking with him his ice-casting sparring-partner Lydia.

The dark wizard Werden captures them and reveals that Asher is possessed by a fire spirit known as an ifrit and forces Asher to serve as his living weapon. He puts a collar around Asher’s neck that allows him to control both the boy and the ifrit, but the collar cannot fully overpower their combined wills, and Asher repeatedly defies Werden’s orders. The collar also lets Werden punish Asher, but even the agony it inflicts on him cannot tame Asher’s rebelliousness.

When Lydia is injured by a sorceress during the battle for Werden’s second goal, the ifrit and Asher become enraged, and their joined wrath is insurmountable as together they slaughter their adversaries. After the battle, Asher wrestles with the guilt over those he killed and a growing fear that he will harm Lydia. As Asher sleeps, Lydia begins a conversation with their hooded guard and learns that he is a member of a forest-dwelling people known Sylvs. Assigned to watch over Asher and Lydia, the Sylv finds as he spends time with them, his loyalties shift from Werden to Asher.

The battle for Werden’s third target stirs the ifrit’s bloodlust, and even after Werden’s army routs the castle’s defenders, Asher cannot calm the ifrit’s hunger for violence. Lydia finds him on the castle roof, and Asher is forced to fly away from her before he harms her, which exposes him to a retreating sorcerer’s attack. As hundreds of ice needles numb his body, Asher crashes into the sea below the seized castle and Lydia, thinking Asher is dead, collapses. When he at last returns to the castle, a healer is sent to care for both of them, and she and Lydia combine their magic to remove the ice from Asher’s body.

Asher and the healer become close on the journey to Werden’s next destination, and Lydia grows jealous of their relationship. Her jealousy turns to hostility towards Asher, and that, coupled with the lingering effects of Werden’s punishments and the strain of sharing his body with the ifrit, tears Asher’s soul. The pressures of his Guardian bonds only worsen his condition, and he realizes his time to stop Werden and help his friends is growing short.

Despite his attempts to reason with the ruler of Werden’s next desired conquest, the ruler stabs Asher, and the ifrit takes control and kills him. Though the ifrit quickly gives control back to Asher, the bloodlust rises stronger than ever before, and before he can stifle it, he is confronted by his friends. When Asher nearly kills them, Lydia’s anger overwhelms her. She dismisses him as her Guardian, which hastens the decline of his health. His bond to Lydia broken and plagued by uncontrollable bouts of rage, he recognizes his time is shorter than he thought. He makes plans with the Sylv, and then walks knowingly into the trap set for him by the ruler of the final castle that bars Werden’s path to the throne. He convinces the castle’s ruler to follow his plan to trap Werden, and then struggles to hold himself together as his plan unfolds.

The throne is almost in reach before Werden learns that he has been double-crossed. As the king and his vassals’ armies surround him, Werden turns his lethal magic on Asher. Though he knows it will kill him, Asher releases the ifrit and watches as the fire spirit incinerates Werden from the inside out before he is blinded by a white light and his consciousness fades.

Believing Asher dead, Lydia and her friends are invited to visit a Sylv Forest, where her former guard reveals to them that he had carried Asher from the battlefield alive. Before he returned to his realm of fire, the ifrit places a seal on Asher to save him, but it is unable to repair the damage already done, and only succeeds in delaying Asher’s descent into death. One of his friends wields a unique magic and manages to heal a small part of Asher’s wounded soul. Asher wakes, and with wonder, realizes that he will survive.
I'm starting to think writing is a form of masochism, hehe.

#16 bkeats

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Posted 29 April 2011 - 10:17 AM

Off of version 4

Discovering he is one of the last Guardians in the world, Asher thinks he has enough problems- until he burst into flames and the real trouble begins.

Weakened from wounds suffered in a demon attack, Asher is recovering rests in the boy’s dormitory when he suddenly sprouts a pair of black wings and is filled with terror at the sight of his shadow on the wall. Asher’s turmoil is only heightened when his teacher tells him that he is descended from a race of beings known as Guardians. This race throughout history has defended the wizard-kings of Prinhalst, and the bonds they form with those they protect which cannot be severed lightly. While his Guardian nature compels him to protect those he cares for most deeply, what he becomes next craves violence and destruction. Transformed into an frightening, orange-skinned beast, Asher flies away from the school of magic, taking with him his ice-casting sparring-partner, Lydia. (Is this where he bursts into flames- ie, is this the event your hook references?)

The dark wizard Werden captures them and reveals that Asher is possessed by a fire spirit known as an ifrit and forces Asher to serve as his living weapon. He puts a collar around Asher’s neck that allows him to control both the boy and the ifrit, but the collar cannot fully overpower their combined wills, and Asher repeatedly defies Werden’s orders. The collar also lets Werden punish Asher, but even the agony it inflicts on him cannot tame Asher’s rebelliousness.

When Lydia is injured by a sorceress during the battle for Werden’s second goal (You never mentioned Werden's first goal), the ifrit and Asher become enraged, and their joined wrath is insurmountable as together they slaughter their adversaries (Werden is Asher's main adversary). After the battle, Asher wrestles with the guilt over those he killed and a growing fear that he will harm Lydia. As Asher sleeps, Lydia begins a conversation with their hooded guard and learns that he is a member of a forest-dwelling people known as Sylvs. Assigned to watch over Asher and Lydia, the Sylv finds as he spends time with them his loyalties shift from Werden to Asher.

The battle for Werden’s third target stirs the ifrit’s bloodlust, and even after Werden’s army routs the castle’s defenders, Asher cannot calm the ifrit’s hunger for violence. Lydia finds him on the castle roof, and Asher is forced to fly away from her before he harms her, which exposes him to a retreating sorcerer’s attack. As hundreds of ice needles numb his body, Asher crashes into the sea below the seized castle and Lydia, thinking Asher is dead, collapses. When he at last returns to the castle, a healer is sent to care for both of them, and she and Lydia combine their magic to remove the ice from Asher’s body.

Asher and the healer become close on the journey to Werden’s next destination, and Lydia grows jealous of their relationship. Her jealousy turns to hostility towards Asher, and that, coupled with the lingering effects of Werden’s punishments and the strain of sharing his body with the ifrit, tears Asher’s soul. The pressures of his Guardian bonds only worsen his condition, and he realizes his time to stop Werden and help his friends is growing short.

Despite his attempts to reason with the ruler of Werden’s next desired conquest, the ruler stabs Asher, and the ifrit takes control and kills him. Though the ifrit quickly gives control back to Asher, the bloodlust rises stronger than ever before, and before he can stifle it, he is confronted by his friends. When Asher nearly kills them, Lydia’s anger overwhelms her. She dismisses him as her Guardian (How can she do this? Was she the one who turned Asher into a Guardian in the first place?), which hastens the decline of his health. His bond to Lydia broken and plagued by uncontrollable bouts of rage, he recognizes his time is shorter than he thought. He makes plans with the Sylv, and then walks knowingly into the trap set for him by the ruler of the final castle that bars Werden’s path to the throne. He convinces the castle’s ruler to follow his plan to trap Werden, and then struggles to hold himself together as his plan unfolds.

The throne is almost in reach before Werden learns that he has been double-crossed. As the king and his vassals’ armies surround him, Werden turns his lethal magic on Asher. Though he knows it will kill him, Asher releases the ifrit and watches as the fire spirit incinerates Werden from the inside out before he is blinded by a white light and his consciousness fades.

Believing Asher dead, Lydia and her friends are invited to visit a Sylv Forest, where her former guard reveals to them that he had carried Asher from the battlefield alive. Before he returned to his realm of fire, the ifrit places a seal on Asher to save him, but it is unable to repair the damage already done, and only succeeds in delaying Asher’s descent into death. One of his friends wields a unique magic and manages to heal a small part of Asher’s wounded soul. Asher wakes, and with wonder, realizes that he will survive.



#17 Brandi

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Posted 05 May 2011 - 09:03 AM

Thanks bkeats! You always give great advice! :) Here's five.

Discovering he is one of the last Guardians in the world, Asher thinks he has enough problems—until he burst into flames and the real trouble begins.

Weakened from wounds suffered in a demon attack, Asher is recovering in the boy’s dormitory when he sprouts a pair of black wings and is filled with terror at the sight of his shadow on the wall. Asher’s teacher tells him that he is descended from a race of beings known as Guardians, who throughout history defended the wizard-kings of Prinhalst. While his Guardian nature compels him to protect his ice-wielding sparring partner, what he becomes next craves violence and destruction. After Lydia douses the flames that engulf him with her ice magic, she finds Asher has transformed into an orange-skinned beast. The frightening creature calls out to her in a voice of smoke and embers, and Lydia allows him to take her with him as he flies away from the school of magic.

The dark wizard Werden captures them and reveals that Asher is possessed by a fire spirit known as an ifrit and forces Asher to serve as his living weapon. He puts a collar around Asher’s neck that allows him to control both the boy and the ifrit, but the collar cannot fully overpower their combined wills, and Asher repeatedly defies Werden’s orders. The collar also lets Werden punish Asher, but even the agony it inflicts on him cannot tame Asher’s rebelliousness.

When Lydia is injured by a sorceress during the battle with the army of Eston, the ifrit and Asher become enraged, and their joined wrath is insurmountable as together they slaughter the opposing force’s magicians. After the battle, Asher wrestles with the guilt over those he killed and a growing fear that he will harm Lydia. As Asher sleeps, Lydia begins a conversation with their guard and learns that he is a member of a forest-dwelling people known as Sylvs. Assigned to watch over Asher and Lydia, the Sylv finds as he spends time with them, his loyalties shift from Werden to Asher.

Conflict with the defenders of Zinth stirs the ifrit’s bloodlust, and even after Werden’s army routs the castle’s forces, Asher cannot calm the ifrit’s hunger for violence. Lydia finds him on the castle roof, and Asher flies away before he harms her, which exposes him to a retreating sorcerer’s attack. As hundreds of ice needles numb his body, Asher crashes into the sea below the seized Zinth castle and Lydia, thinking Asher is dead, collapses. When he at last returns to the castle, a healer is sent to care for both of them, and she and Lydia combine their magic to remove the ice from Asher’s body.

Asher and the healer become close on the long journey to Werden’s next destination, and Lydia grows jealous of their relationship. Her jealousy turns to hostility towards Asher, and that, coupled with the lingering effects of Werden’s punishments and the strain of sharing his body with the ifrit, tears Asher’s soul. The pressures of his Guardian bonds only worsen his condition, and he realizes his time to stop Werden and help his friends is growing short.

Despite his attempts to reason with the ruler of Werden’s next desired conquest, the man refuses to listen to his plan and stabs Asher, and the ifrit takes control and kills him. Though the ifrit quickly gives control back to Asher, the bloodlust rises stronger than ever before, and before he can stifle it, he is confronted by his friends. When Asher nearly kills them, Lydia’s anger overwhelms her. Unaware of the power her words have to sever the bond between them, she dismisses Asher as her Guardian, which hastens the decline of his health. His consciousness fading in and out, and plagued by uncontrollable bouts of rage, he recognizes his time is shorter than he thought. He makes plans with the Sylv, and then walks knowingly into the trap set for him by the ruler of the fortress called The Crag. Built into the side of the mountain, the fortress bars Werden’s path to the throne. Asher convinces the castle’s ruler to aid him in his plan to trap Werden, and then struggles to hold himself together as his plan unfolds.

The throne is almost in reach before Werden learns that he has been double-crossed. As the king and his vassals’ armies surround him, Werden turns his lethal magic on Asher. Though he is certain it will kill him, Asher releases the ifrit and watches as the fire spirit incinerates Werden from the inside out before he is blinded by a white light and his consciousness fades.

Believing Asher dead, Lydia and her friends are invited to visit a Sylv Forest, where her former guard reveals to them that he had carried Asher from the battlefield alive. Before he returned to his realm of fire, the ifrit placed a seal on Asher to save him, but it is unable to repair the damage already done, and only succeeds in delaying Asher’s descent into death. One of his friends wields a unique magic and manages to heal a small part of Asher’s wounded soul. Asher wakes, and with wonder, realizes that he will survive.
I'm starting to think writing is a form of masochism, hehe.

#18 bkeats

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Posted 07 May 2011 - 07:16 AM

Off of Number 5

Discovering he is one of the last Guardians in the world, Asher thinks he has enough problems—until he burst into flames and the real trouble begins.

Weakened from wounds suffered in a demon attack, Asher is recovering in the boy’s dormitory when he sprouts a pair of black wings and is filled with terror at the sight of his shadow on the wall. Asher’s teacher tells him that he is descended from a race of beings known as Guardians, who throughout history defended the wizard-kings of Prinhalst. While his Guardian nature compels him to protect his ice-wielding sparring partner, what he becomes next craves violence and destruction. After Lydia douses the flames that engulf him with her ice magic, she finds Asher has transformed into an orange-skinned beast. The frightening creature calls out to her in a voice of smoke and embers, and Lydia allows him to take her with him as he flies away from the school of magic.

(Much improved over your previous versions, but a few quibbles remain- the fact that Asher sprouts bat-wings after being attacked by demons makes me think he's turning into a demon, not a Guardian, as people often think of demons having bat-wings. We have a little more info on the Guardians, but what we see doesn't quite add up. If the main purpose of the Guardians is to protect the wizard-king of Prinhalst, why doesn't Asher immediately fly off to do just that? Why is he compelled to protect a relative nobody like Lydia? How will protecting her save the king?)

The dark wizard Werden captures them and reveals that Asher is possessed by a fire spirit known as an ifrit and forces Asher to serve as his living weapon. He puts a collar around Asher’s neck that allows him to control both the boy and the ifrit, but the collar cannot fully overpower their combined wills, and Asher repeatedly defies Werden’s orders. The collar also lets Werden punish Asher, but even the agony it inflicts on him cannot tame Asher’s rebelliousness. (I think this is the paragraph where you need a statement mentioning Werden's plans of conquest)

When Lydia is injured by a sorceress during the battle with the army of Eston, the ifrit and Asher become enraged, and their joined wrath is insurmountable as together they slaughter the opposing force’s magicians. After the battle, Asher wrestles with the guilt over those he killed and a growing fear that he will harm Lydia. As Asher sleeps, Lydia begins a conversation with their guard and learns that he is a member of a forest-dwelling people known as Sylvs. Assigned to watch over Asher and Lydia, the Sylv finds as he spends time with them, his loyalties shift from Werden to Asher.

Conflict with the defenders of the castle Zinth stirs the ifrit’s bloodlust, and even after Werden’s army routs their enemy, Asher cannot calm the ifrit’s hunger for violence. Lydia finds him on the castle roof, and Asher flies away before he harms her, which exposes him to a retreating sorcerer’s attack. As hundreds of ice needles numb his body, Asher crashes into the sea below the seized Zinth castle and Lydia, thinking Asher is dead, collapses. When he at last returns to the castle, a healer is sent to care for both of them, and she and Lydia combine their magic to remove the ice from Asher’s body.

Asher and the healer become close on the long journey to Werden’s next destination, and Lydia grows jealous of their relationship. Her jealousy turns to hostility towards Asher, and that, coupled with the lingering effects of Werden’s punishments and the strain of sharing his body with the ifrit, tears Asher’s soul. The pressures of his Guardian bonds only worsen his condition, and he realizes his time to stop Werden and help his friends is growing short.

Despite his attempts to reason with the ruler of Werden’s next desired conquest, the man refuses to listen to his plan and stabs Asher, and the ifrit takes control and kills him. Though the ifrit quickly gives control back to Asher, the bloodlust rises stronger than ever before, and before he can stifle it, he is confronted by his friends (What friends? The healer? The Sylv guard?). When Asher nearly kills them, Lydia’s anger overwhelms her. Unaware of the power her words have to sever the bond between them, she dismisses Asher as her Guardian, which hastens the decline of his health. His consciousness fading in and out, and plagued by uncontrollable bouts of rage, he recognizes his time is shorter than he thought. He makes plans with the Sylv, and then walks knowingly into the trap set for him by the ruler of the fortress called The Crag. Built into the side of the mountain, the fortress bars Werden’s path to the throne (Literally or figuratively?). Asher convinces the castle’s ruler to aid him in his plan to trap Werden, and then struggles to hold himself together as his plan unfolds.

The throne is almost in reach before Werden learns that he has been double-crossed. As the king and his vassals’ armies surround him, Werden turns his lethal magic on Asher. Though he is certain it will kill him, Asher releases the ifrit and watches as the fire spirit incinerates Werden from the inside out before he is blinded by a white light and his consciousness fades.

Believing Asher dead, Lydia and her friends (Including the healer? What happened to her?) are invited to visit a Sylv Forest, where her former guard reveals to them that he had carried Asher from the battlefield alive. Before he returned to his realm of fire, the ifrit placed a seal on Asher to save him, but it is unable to repair the damage already done, and only succeeds in delaying Asher’s descent into death. One of his friends wields a unique magic and manages to heal a small part of Asher’s wounded soul. Asher wakes, and with wonder, realizes that he will survive.


Aside from nitpicks, my only remaining quibble is that I'm still a little vague on The Guardians. Asher "discovers" he is a Guardian, you say. What does that mean? Is there a spirit possessing Asher, like the ifrit, or is the Guardian truly a non-human being that looks human until its metamorphosis. In other words, was Asher born a Guardian?

Drooling right back at ya! :wink:

#19 Brandi

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Posted 10 May 2011 - 08:23 AM

Once again, Bkeats, thank you! Here's #6:

Discovering he is one of the last Guardians in the world, Asher thinks he has enough problems—until he burst into flames and the real trouble begins.

Weakened from wounds suffered in a demon attack, Asher is recovering in the boy’s dormitory when he sprouts a pair of black wings and is filled with terror at the sight of his shadow on the wall. Asher’s teacher tells him that he is descended from a race of beings known as Guardians, who throughout history defended the wizard-kings of Prinhalst. However, the alliance of a Guardian is not restricted to those of royal blood, and Asher’s teacher sees immediately that Asher has already created a bond with his ice-wielding sparring partner, Lydia. While his Guardian nature compels him to protect, what he becomes next craves violence and destruction. After Lydia douses the flames that engulf Asher with her ice magic, she finds he has transformed into an orange-skinned beast. The frightening creature calls out to her in a voice of smoke and embers, and Lydia allows him to take her with him as he flies away from the school of magic.

The dark wizard Werden captures them and reveals that Asher is possessed by a fire spirit known as an ifrit and forces Asher to serve as his living weapon in his attempt to take over the kingdom. He puts a collar around Asher’s neck that allows him to control both the boy and the ifrit, but the collar cannot fully overpower their combined wills, and Asher repeatedly defies Werden’s orders. The collar also lets Werden punish Asher, but even the agony it inflicts on him cannot tame Asher’s rebelliousness.

When Lydia is injured by a sorceress during the battle with the army of Eston, the ifrit and Asher become enraged, and their joined wrath is insurmountable as together they slaughter the opposing force’s magicians. After the battle, Asher wrestles with the guilt over those he killed and a growing fear that he will harm Lydia. As Asher sleeps, Lydia begins a conversation with their guard and learns that he is a member of a forest-dwelling people known as Sylvs. Assigned to watch over Asher and Lydia, the Sylv finds as he spends time with them, his loyalties shift from Werden to Asher.

Conflict with the defenders of the castle Zinth stirs the ifrit’s bloodlust, and even after Werden’s army routs them, Asher cannot calm the ifrit’s hunger for violence. Lydia finds him on the castle roof, and Asher flies away before he harms her, which exposes him to a retreating sorcerer’s attack. As hundreds of ice needles numb his body, Asher crashes into the sea below the seized Zinth castle and Lydia, thinking Asher is dead, collapses. When he at last returns to the castle, a healer is sent to care for both of them, and she and Lydia combine their magic to remove the ice from Asher’s body.

Asher and the healer become close on the long journey to Werden’s next destination, and Lydia grows jealous of their relationship. Her jealousy turns to hostility towards Asher, and that, coupled with the lingering effects of Werden’s punishments and the strain of sharing his body with the ifrit, tears Asher’s soul. The pressures of his Guardian bonds only worsen his condition, and he realizes his time to stop Werden and help his friends is growing short.

Despite his attempts to reason with the ruler of Werden’s next desired conquest, the man refuses to listen to his plan and stabs Asher, and the ifrit takes control and kills him. Though the ifrit quickly gives control back to Asher, the bloodlust rises stronger than ever before, and before he can stifle it, he is confronted by his former classmates. When Asher nearly kills them, Lydia’s anger overwhelms her. Unaware of the power her words have to sever the bond between them, she dismisses Asher as her Guardian, which hastens the decline of his health. His consciousness fading in and out, and plagued by uncontrollable bouts of rage, he recognizes his time is shorter than he thought. He makes plans with the Sylv, and then walks knowingly into the trap set for him by the ruler of the fortress called The Crag. Built into the side of the mountain, the fortress bars the mountain pass and Werden’s path to the throne. Asher convinces the castle’s ruler to aid him in his plan to trap Werden, and then struggles to hold himself together as his plan unfolds.

The throne is almost in reach before Werden learns that he has been double-crossed. As the king and his vassals’ armies surround him, Werden turns his lethal magic on Asher. Though he is certain it will kill him, Asher releases the ifrit and watches as the fire spirit incinerates Werden from the inside out before he is blinded by a white light and his consciousness fades.

Believing Asher dead, Lydia and her classmates are invited to visit a Sylv Forest, where her former guard reveals to them that he and the healer carried Asher from the battlefield alive. Before he returned to his realm of fire, the ifrit placed a seal on Asher to save him, but it is unable to repair the damage already done, and only succeeds in delaying Asher’s descent into death. One of his friends wields a unique magic and manages to heal a small part of Asher’s wounded soul. Asher wakes, and with wonder, realizes that he will survive.
I'm starting to think writing is a form of masochism, hehe.

#20 A.M.Supinger

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Posted 10 May 2011 - 01:23 PM

Your 6th version is the best so far and I can't find any major plot holes. You've managed to tell us enough about the Guardians, Werden, Asher and Lydia to have me hooked :happy: My only real suggestion is to take out the "classmates" you mention several times; they are probably important in the book, but I don't think mentioning them is necessary here.

Sounds great!
"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein




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