36 replies to this topic

[Jemi]

I agree - much better! You might want to add a phrase at the end of the first sentence - after a hypen or a comma - to define the group or its intent or connect it to her brother's death.

- a group that wants her dead
- a group that caused her brother's death and now wants hers

or something along those lines. As is, it doesn't seem to connect at all.

[RileyRedgate]

Hi there! This has tightened up considerably. Going to make a few cut suggestions:

Dear [The Dream Keeper]

When seventeen year old Onnaleigh Moore loses her brother, she doesn’t expect to uncover a secret organization she never knew existed (cut for redundancy reasons). Crippled with grief, Onna turns to mysterious and sensitive Everett, but that's just what they expected. LOVE this - but I think it could be even more powerful as "AND that's just what they expected." That sort of adds the causality to the second sentence that sharon was (rightly) looking for.

Everett, Onna’s Comforter, is privy to her deepest secrets, her thoughts, and her future. He knows how she will die—and why. You need a conjunction or transition here. Blinded by his unexpected love for Onna, Everett is willing to disobey the laws of Comforters and give up the only life he’s ever known—if only he could to save her.

After the death of her Onna's parents, Everett confesses a secret that will force Onna her to choose between the permanence of death and a lonely life of servitude—a life that won’t include him.
This paragraph seemed vague to me initially, but on second glance it looks okay, as it's a very obvious indication that you're omitting the secret NOT to be vague but to preserve the mystery. I would advise combining the next paragraph with this one, though.

With Onna’s mortality looming, they must fight to save the one thing they have left: each other.

At 125,000 [and cutting!!] Haha, that's good. :) Good that you know it. words, STEPPING STONES is a complete Young Adult novel. A complete manuscript is available upon request.

You could probably get requests from this, imho - but I'd like to know just a LITTLE more about the Comforters, wherever you think it's okay to slip in more info about them. They seem like an idea as of now rather than a concrete organization. Build the world a little stronger and I think you've got this in the bag.

Best of luck!

[kacimari]

Thanks for the feedback guys! I'm sort of doing a happy dance for good comments... :) Will take another look and see what I can do!

[kacimari]

Small changes from your recommendations. Thank you for all the help!!


Dear [Those that determine my future]

When seventeen year old Onnaleigh Moore loses her brother, she doesn’t expect to uncover a secret organization.

Comforters are sent to protect a person from the downward spiral created by misery and keep them on the correct life path. Crippled with grief, Onna turns to mysterious and sensitive Everett—and that's just what they expected.

Everett, Onna’s Comforter, is privy to her deepest secrets, her thoughts, and her future. He knows how she will die—and why. Hopelessly blinded by his unexpected love for Onna, Everett is willing to disobey the laws of Comforters and give up the only life he’s ever known—to save her.

After the death of Onna’s parents, Everett confesses a secret that will force her to choose between the permanence of death and a lonely life of servitude—a life that won’t include him. With Onna’s mortality looming, they must fight to save the one thing they have left: each other.

At 125,000 [and unceremoniously hacking!] words, STEPPING STONES is a complete Young Adult novel.

[JMB]

I have only read this most recent version. I don't understand what the setup is here. Who are the bad guys? The Comforters? Are they the secret org from paragraph 1? If so, what is their agenda? They've killed O's brother and then later her parents, but why? What's special about this family? What is special about O? Why isn't she killed as well? Obviously, if E and O are in love they will want to save each other, but from who? from what?

[bkeats]

Small changes from your recommendations. Thank you for all the help!!


Dear [Those that determine my future]

When seventeen year old Onnaleigh Moore loses her brother, she doesn’t expect to uncover a secret organization.

Comforters are sent to protect a person from the downward spiral created by misery and keep them on the correct life path. Crippled with grief, Onna turns to mysterious and sensitive Everett—and that's just what they ("They" being the Comforters?) expected.

Everett, Onna’s Comforter, is privy to her deepest secrets, her thoughts, and her future. He knows how she will die—and why. Hopelessly blinded by his unexpected love for Onna, Everett is willing to disobey the laws of Comforters and give up the only life he’s ever known—to save her.

After the death of Onna’s parents, Everett confesses a secret that will force her to choose between the permanence of death and a lonely life of servitude—a life that won’t include him. With Onna’s mortality looming, they must fight to save the one thing they have left: each other. (Too vague- need more details here)

At 125,000 [and unceremoniously hacking!] words, STEPPING STONES is a complete Young Adult novel.



You've got a neat set-up, but I'm still unsure about several things. I'm guessing the Comforters are some type of angel, or something along those lines- is that correct? Is there an antagonist here? Onna "loses" her brother and then her parents, but you give no indication of any foul play.

[A.M.Supinger]

Shame on me for not keeping up with this vastly-improved query!
I like this version much better than your initial attempts, and I'm going to have disagree with bkeats (although, he is a GREAT critter) and JMB (I'm sure he's a great critter as well:). I like the mystery that you've created in the query, and I wouldn't weigh it down with heavy explanations of what the Comforters are.

Good luck!

[kacimari]

Dear [My Lovelies]

When seventeen year old Onnaleigh Moore loses her brother, she doesn’t expect to uncover a secret organization—one that kills as often as it Comforts.

Comforters are sent by the Originals to protect a person from the downward spiral created by misery and keep them on the correct life path. Crippled with grief, Onna turns to mysterious and sensitive Everett—and that's just what the Originals expected. They have a plan for her, and losing her family is just the beginning.

Everett, Onna’s Comforter, is privy to her deepest secrets, her thoughts, and her future. He knows how she will die—and why. Hopelessly blinded by his unexpected love for Onna, Everett is willing to disobey the laws of Comforters and give up the only life he’s ever known—to save her from the Originals.

After the death of Onna’s parents, Everett confesses a secret that will force her to choose between the permanence of death and a lonely life of servitude—a life that won’t include him. With Onna’s mortality looming, they must fight to save the one thing they have left: each other.

At 99,000 words, STEPPING STONES is a complete Young Adult novel. I've included [ treats! ] per your request.

[kacimari]

A bump for new reviews. I want to get the querying started!!

Kacey

[bkeats]

Off your latest

Dear [My Lovelies]

When seventeen year old Onnaleigh Moore's loses her brother dies, she doesn’t expect his death to reveal to uncover a secret organization—one that kills as often as it Comforts.

Comforters are sent by the Originals to protect a person from the downward spiral created by misery and keep them on the correct life path. Crippled with grief, Onna turns to mysterious and sensitive Everett—and that's just what the Originals expected. They have a plan for her, and losing her family brother is just the beginning. (The first sentence clearly shows the Originals are benevolent. There's no wiggle room there. Now they seem to be not so good. You may need to do some rewording)

Everett, Onna’s Comforter, is privy to her deepest secrets, her thoughts, and her future. He knows how she will die—and why. Hopelessly blinded by his unexpected love for Onna, Everett is willing to disobey the laws of Comforters and give up the only life he’s ever known—to save her from the Originals.

After the death of Onna’s parents, (Orchestrated by the Originals? If so, say so) Everett confesses a secret that will force her to choose between the permanence of death and a lonely life of servitude—a life that won’t include him. With Onna’s mortality looming, they must fight to save the one thing they have left: each other.

At 99,000 words, STEPPING STONES is a complete Young Adult novel. I've included [ treats! ] per your request.

[RileyRedgate]

Dear [My Lovelies]

When seventeen year old seventeen-year-old Onnaleigh Moore loses her brother, she doesn’t expect to uncover a see below secret organization—one that kills as often as it Comforts.
I see the 'she doesn't expect...'/'she never thinks that [x] could happen...'/'she is surprised to find that...' lead-in quite a bit. This hook could really pick up on the directness, imo, if you just tossed all that away and said, "When seventeen-year-old Onnaleigh Moore loses her brother, a secret organization finds her-one that kills as often as it Comforts.'

I think you're doing here what I do a lot - keeping it very strictly in the point of view. But that often filters out the reader. One thing I'm addicted to is saying 'i feel'. 'I feel his breath on the back of my neck' as opposed to 'his breath tickles the back of my neck.' There's a big difference in immediacy and this is turning into a rant but you get the picture - we don't have to be afraid to state things as facts rather than perspectives.

Comforters are sent by the Originals I'd save this for later, because the rest of the info in this sentence is vital and needs its personal space. to protect a person from the downward spiral created by misery and keep them on the correct life path. Crippled with grief, Onna turns to mysterious and sensitive Everett—and that's just what the Originals Hmm. I see now why you need to introduce Originals earlier, but I still stand that the previous sentence has too much. Your query's pretty brief - adding a sentence for these Original guys might not hurt. You could even explain them a bit. expected. They have a plan for her, and losing her family is just the beginning.

Everett, Onna’s Comforter, is privy to her deepest secrets, her thoughts, and her future. He knows how she will die—and why. Hopelessly blinded by his unexpected love for Onna, this is rather sudden! I might try leading with a verb instead of a noun for this - that is, describing first the fall rather than the result (the unexpected love). Everett is willing to disobey the laws of Comforters and give up the only life he’s ever known— I don't think you need any punctuation here at all to save her from the Originals.

After the death of Onna’s parents, Everett confesses a secret that will force her to choose between the permanence of death and a lonely life of servitude—a life that won’t include him. With Onna’s mortality looming, they must fight to save the one thing they have left: each other.

At 99,000 words, STEPPING STONES is a complete Young Adult novel. I've included [ treats! ] per your request.

This is looking really close to getting there, Kacey. Just nits, honestly, though I ranted as per usual. *rolleyes*

[kacimari]

Thanks Ant and Bkeats! Excellent advice as usual! Back to the drawing er...writing board.

[kacimari]

Ok, I have been working really hard on this guys! Am I getting close? Let me have it!




When seventeen year old Onnaleigh Moore loses her brother, she doesn’t expect to uncover a secret organization—one that kills as often as it Comforts.

Comforters are specially trained individuals that deal in death. Orchestrated by the Originals, they are sent to guide a person through the downward spiral created by misery and keep them on the correct life path. Crippled with grief, Onna turns to mysterious and sensitive Everett—and that’s just what they expected. The Originals have a plan for her, and losing her family is just the beginning.

Everett, Onna’s Comforter, is privy to her deepest secrets, her thoughts, and her future. He knows how she will die—and why. Destined to be nothing more than Onna’s friend and mentor, Everett struggles to keep their relationship platonic. Onna fights to move it forward.

When her father’s suicide sends Onna into a careless depression, she meets the Originals far earlier than they intend—by dying.

Hopelessly blinded by his unexpected love for Onna, Everett is willing to disobey the laws of Comforters and give up the only life he’s ever known to save her. After a frantic revival and a miraculous Healing, Everett confesses a secret that will force Onna to choose between the permanence of death and a lonely life of servitude—a life that won’t include him.

With Onna’s mortality looming, they each have a choice to make. If Everett loves Onna enough, he can defy the Originals and keep her. At least until the Originals kill him—or her. Or both.

At 80,500 words {Yes!}, STEPPING STONES is a complete Young Adult novel.

[Stephanie Diaz]

This is much better! I love the new word count ;) I think you could combine a couple of the paragraphs, though--having so many makes it seem a little choppy, almost. I've combined a couple just to try to it out:

When seventeen year old Onnaleigh Moore loses her brother, she doesn’t expect to uncover a secret organization—one that kills as often as it Comforts.

Comforters are specially trained individuals that who deal in death. Orchestrated by the Originals, they are sent to guide a person through the downward spiral created by misery and keep them on their correct life path. Crippled with grief, Onna turns to mysterious and sensitive Everett—and that’s just what they expected. The Originals have a plan for her, and losing her family is just the beginning.

Everett, Onna’s Comforter, is privy to her deepest secrets, her thoughts, and her future. He knows how she will die—and why. Destined to be nothing more than Onna’s friend and mentor, Everett struggles to keep their relationship platonic, while. Onna fights to move it forward.

When her father’s suicide sends Onna into a careless depression, she meets the Originals far earlier than they intend—by dying. Hopelessly blinded by his unexpected love for Onna, Everett is willing to disobey the laws of Comforters and give up the only life he’s ever known to save her. After a frantic revival and a miraculous Healing, Everett confesses a secret that will force Onna to choose between the permanence of death and a lonely life of servitude—a life that won’t include him. With Onna’s mortality looming, they each have a choice to make. If Everett loves Onna enough, he can defy the Originals and keep her ("keep her" sounds a little strange). At least until the Originals kill one or both of them.him—or her. Or both.

At 80,500 words, STEPPING STONES is a complete Young Adult novel. (I think you can place this in a genre. I'd call it romance, honestly)

[Jemi]

I like the changes! It's much clearer :)

When seventeen year old Onnaleigh Moore loses her brother, she doesn’t expect to uncover a secret organization—one that kills as often as it Comforts. Good!

Comforters are specially trained individuals that who deal in death. Orchestrated by the Originals, they are sent to guide a person through the downward spiral created by misery and keep them on the correct life path. Crippled with grief, Onna turns to mysterious and sensitive Everett—and that’s just what exactly as they expected. The Originals have a plan for her, and losing her family is just only the beginning.

Everett, Onna’s Comforter, is privy to her deepest secrets, her thoughts, and her future. He knows how she will die—and why. Destined to be nothing more than Onna’s friend and mentor, Everett struggles to keep their relationship platonic. Onna fights to move it forward.

When her father’s suicide sends Onna into a carelessI don't know if you need an adjective at all, but I'm not a fan of this one depression, she meets the Originals far earlier than they intend—by dying. If this is suicide, I think I'd say it straight out

Hopelessly blinded by his unexpected love for Onna, Everett is willing to disobey the laws of Comforters and give up the only life he’s ever known to save her. After a frantic revival and a miraculous Healing, Everett confesses a secret that will force Onna to choose between the permanence of death and a lonely life of servitude—a life that won’t include him.

[font="Arial"]With Onna’s mortality (not sure of this wording) looming, they each have a choice to make. If Everett loves Onna enough, he can defy the Originals and keep her I don't know if I like keep her - sounds like she's a pet :). At least until the Originals kill him—or her. Or both.
[size="3"]
At 80,500 words {Yes!}, STEPPING STONES is a complete Young Adult novel.

Nicely done! Hope that helps you out a bit :)

[kacimari]

Hey Jemi!

It's not suicide, hence the "careless" She acts carelessly and dies because of it. I'll think of something to make it better...

Thanks for the crit!

[Jemi]

Okay - definitely don't want to say suicide then!

Hmmm...

Onna's father's suicide sends her into a deep depression. The Originals' plans disintegrate when her carelessness causes her death far earlier than planned.

Okay that's not great - but something like that maybe.