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Brainstorming HooksCuz, y'know. It's all about the hook


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#101 AMK

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Posted 09 July 2011 - 01:17 PM

Hmm....I'm new at this too AMK, but I'll give this a shot. I am a little confused about one thing: "miracles springing from her fingers"? Does she have some sort of healing power or something? If you can clarify that it would help. As far as the ending of the sentence goes: "...entangled in court politics, Merewyn's fate does not lie in the simple life she desires, but in a destiny that will make her a legend." Or...something like that? Again, new at this but maybe an idea will come out of my suggestion. Good luck!


Thanks Diana. I like your suggestion, but I need it short and sweet--or so I'm told! I explain all about her abilities in the following paragraph of the query. Maybe...politics, Merewyn is fated not for simplicity but for legend. Urgh. No, that's not great. Let's see if we can get there together. I'll be back.

#102 TansyRagwort

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Posted 09 July 2011 - 01:47 PM

@AMK I'd shorten it up by getting rid of your lists that explains what she means by home. Home is simple. It doesn't need expanded upon. Maybe in the novel you could, but with so little room in a query letter I say just cut that out. That'll eliminate some of the excess in your hook. I think that will really help bring it from like closer to love.

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#103 AMK

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Posted 10 July 2011 - 02:07 PM

How about this one:

England, 1237. All Merewyn wants is a quiet place to call home. Not a simple find when you're obsessed with a man entangled in court politics and miracles keep springing from your fingertips.

#104 Diana O.

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Posted 10 July 2011 - 05:09 PM

How about this one:

England, 1237. All Merewyn wants is a quiet place to call home. Not a simple find when you're obsessed with a man entangled in court politics and miracles keep springing from your fingertips.


This is definitely shorter, more concise. And quite the hook! The only thing I think I'd change is the beginning of the third sentence, maybe to something like "Not easy to achieve when you're obsessed with a man..." or "A desire not easily achieved when you're obsessed with a man..."
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#105 Tom Preece

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Posted 10 July 2011 - 05:56 PM

AMK my bias here may be obvious, but I'm trying on the idea that your hook might also be you elevator pitch. I think I might prefer to rephrase as "miracles keep shooting from her fingertips."

If it's all light magic springing might be better but you've implied heavier conflict, I think.

#106 AMK

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Posted 10 July 2011 - 10:56 PM

Quite right--thanks Tom and Diana. Another shot at it for tonight...

England, 1237. All Merewyn wants is a quiet place to call home. Not easily achieved when you're obsessed with a man entangled in court politics and supernatural powers keep springing from your fingertips.

#107 Diana O.

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Posted 11 July 2011 - 11:54 AM

Quite right--thanks Tom and Diana. Another shot at it for tonight...

England, 1237. All Merewyn wants is a quiet place to call home. Not easily achieved when you're obsessed with a man entangled in court politics and supernatural powers keep springing from your fingertips.


Looking good AMK! Another suggestion....for some reason I keep getting hung up on the "springing from your fingertips". What about "and supernatural powers keep flying from your fingertips" ? I think springing probably works too...for some reason I guess I like the flow of "flying" and "fingertips" better. :) But I think you've got a strong hook going for you there!
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#108 TansyRagwort

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Posted 11 July 2011 - 06:36 PM

Saying Springing from your fingertips out loud is awkward. SO that's probably why it reads weird. Flying fingertips is an alliteration of sorts so yeah...that's probably why it sounds better. I agree that you should consider the change. But I do like this new revision. Short and sweet.

http://www.immortali...ify.php?book=25

http://www.immortali...books.php?id=25

 

THE IMPENDING DEMISE OF THE GIRL WITH BROWN EYES coming Dec 2013 from Immortal Ink Publishing.


#109 AMK

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Posted 11 July 2011 - 09:15 PM

@TansyRagwort--I agree.

I posted the new hook along with the latest version of my query in the query area.

Thanks, everyone. Please take a look at my query if you have a few minutes.

#110 DRALKMOOR

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Posted 13 July 2011 - 07:54 AM

I find I'm having trouble piecing together my hook. But here is what I have so far.

When Captain Jameson ordered his elite black ops team to desert the border skirmish; he never imagined they would be the heroes of a galactic battle being waged by myths and legends.


Thank you for your time and attention.

#111 TansyRagwort

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Posted 13 July 2011 - 01:29 PM

What does myths and legends refer to? Isnt' that also redundant? It might have more power if you were more specific.

http://www.immortali...ify.php?book=25

http://www.immortali...books.php?id=25

 

THE IMPENDING DEMISE OF THE GIRL WITH BROWN EYES coming Dec 2013 from Immortal Ink Publishing.


#112 Diana O.

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Posted 13 July 2011 - 01:40 PM

I agree with Tansy. Also, if you could somehow throw in there how they went from deserting a border skirmish to being in a galactic battle easily, that would make for a nicer transition. When I read your hook I just thought "Well, how'd they get from point A to point B?" Were they transported to another world? Abducted? Fell through some sort of time warp? I hope that makes sense. It could go into the second part of your sentence there: "he never imagined they would be transported..." or something of that sort. It may not be that easy to define though, so my feedback may be useless. :) Oh, but I would say to use a comma rather than a semi-colon. So there, that's useful. :)
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#113 DRALKMOOR

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Posted 13 July 2011 - 02:31 PM

I SUPPOSE MYTHS AND LEGENDS IS REDUNDANT. DURING THEIR DESERTION, THEY FIND AN ABANDONED ELVEN SHIP. DURING THEIR ATTEMPT TO REPAIR IT, THE SHIP TRANSPORTS THEM TO OTHER SOLAR SYSTEMS, WHERE THEY DISCOVER THAT THE SEELIE COURT IS IN THE HOME SOLAR SYSTEM OF THE HUMANS, AND THE UNSEELIE COURT IS ON THEIR WAY TO TAKE BAKE THE HOME-WORLD. THE FINAL PARAGRAPH OF THE MANUSCRIPT IS AN ELF PRINCESS TALKING TO THE CAPTAIN JUST BEFORE SHE DISAPPEARS.

“I knew of your coming, and you were a fantasy come true.” She smiled. “I loved you, and you were my dream.” She released his hands as she stepped backwards onto the pentagram. “And when they destroy you, you will be just another memory.”

THEN SHE VANISHES ONTO HER OWN SHIP.

#114 Tom Preece

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Posted 26 August 2011 - 06:40 PM

Hello Captains of the Hook.

I'm working hard on a new version of my query and thought I'd try out a new hook:

Murder, but since George knows he didn't do it, he's pretty sure his best friend did.



#115 Tom Preece

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Posted 27 August 2011 - 12:56 AM

Amazing. It's tighter....

Murder George knows he didn't do, so he's sure his best friend did.

#116 AMK

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Posted 27 September 2011 - 01:31 PM

Hey what's the deal with the logline entry for Miss Snark's first Victim's Baker's Dozen contest? Where do we send our hook/logline?

#117 RC Lewis

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Posted 03 March 2012 - 10:51 PM

This thread needs reviving. Here's a hook from my WIP to get us going:

When a shuttle from a neighboring planet crashes, seventeen-year-old Essie’s gearhead knowledge only gets her so far.

I'm not loving it ... especially not the tail-end of it ... but am kind of blank on alternatives.
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#118 TansyRagwort

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Posted 05 March 2012 - 08:16 PM

Umm, yeah the tail end is not so bueno. Gets her so far where?

I've been thinking of other ends.

One I kind of like right now is:

When a shuttle from a neighboring planet crashes, seventeen-year-old Essie's gearhead knowledge won't hide her royal upbringing for long.

Then go into why she'd want to hide that right away so it's not confusing. Or at least why she'd hide it from the shuttle people.

But I'd also like to know very quickly what she has to do with the crash. is she the only one that can fix it? Was it in her backyard? Hmm...that'd be important.

This one would need reworked to fit the actual situation but what about something like:

Seventeen-year-old Essie has a royal secret, but it's hard to hide from a space shuttle of potential enemies crashing into your backyard.

Lots of ways to do this to set this up beyond just a shuttle crash as your start with a gearhead MC. You just need a squidge more (IMO) details, which is why your end is falling flat. But you're brilliant. Hopefully this will kickstart your brain into something super amazing!

http://www.immortali...ify.php?book=25

http://www.immortali...books.php?id=25

 

THE IMPENDING DEMISE OF THE GIRL WITH BROWN EYES coming Dec 2013 from Immortal Ink Publishing.


#119 RC Lewis

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Posted 05 March 2012 - 08:19 PM

*sparkplug sparks*

*motor kicks into gear*

Yup, that's got a few things pinging around my brain already. Will let them marinate and percolate a bit. Thanks! :biggrin:
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#120 anticipa

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Posted 05 March 2012 - 09:57 PM

You're right, RC! This thread does need revival.

I need to start working on my query for Otredad. My hook's long and wordy and I'm not sure if I like it at all:

Decades ago, the Splits of America were fifty united states, and their capital was a thriving city, not a smoldering bombsite. Now, to escape Mexico's war, 16-year-old Nima Ardiera must cross the border into the Splits, evade capture by the ruthless American Inquisition, and find her way to the last safe place on the continent.

I've stared at it so long I've lost all ability to determine whether or not it's Proper Noun Soup.

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