Alright--finished with my latest round of line edits on the draft so here's another hack at this thing, with a brand new hook to try out:
Andi can’t move, can’t scream, and he’s always there when she opens her eyes. (the wording of this is throwing me - at first I think "he" is Andi, but then I realize "she" is Andi, and I don't know who "he" is... you see what I'm getting at?)
Suffering from sleep paralysis, Andi is haunted each morning by hallucinations, and the worst is the incubus she calls the shadowman. Desperate to regain control of her mind, Andi enrolls in an experimental sleep study. The mysterious pills, electrodes attached to her skull, and sound-proofed rooms do nothing to keep the shadowman at bay, and Andi begins to suspect the lead researcher is more interested in studying her than curing her.
Unbeknownst to Andi, one of the other study subjects is running his own experiment. (since this a dual POV, I'd do a little more to introduce the second character here. Mentioning Andi straightaway in this paragraph keeps us tied to her, and makes for a bit of a rocky transition to this new guy.) Obsessed with a shadowman of his own, he’s already left three victims along the banks of the Mississippi. The fourth will show him what he’s doing wrong (I'm not sure what this means - does he not intend to kill them?). The fifth will be Andi’s best friend. (does he know this already? If so, I'd make that clear so we stay in his POV.)
Each night in the sleep clinic makes Andi question her sanity. Each murder brings the killer
comescloser to realizing that Andi is his perfect subject.
Complete at 90,000 words, ANY HORROR BUT THIS is a dual-POV psychological thriller. I completed my MFA blah blah blah
Hope this helps!