Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

10 DAY BETRAYAL adult thriller Final #77


  • Please log in to reply
84 replies to this topic

#1 Tanja

Tanja

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 617 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationAustralia/New Zealand

Posted 11 July 2015 - 06:12 PM

Haven't been here for a while as I was busy writing my sequel I just recently finished. Getting a good query together is the biggest battle, as we all know. So I thought I post the first version and see what you guys think. The first para is most likely not going to be the hook. I'm still working on a short snappy hook. But it would be great if I could get some feedback on the rest. Thanks in advance.

 

Chasing an anniversary gift for his wife at the local shopping mall, Jeffrey Blake is shocked when, right beside him, his best friend Phil “Cam” Camden is injured by a bullet that kills a woman behind them.

 

Played down as wrong place/wrong time scenario, authorities investigate the woman’s death, but change tack fast when two days later Blake’s wife and child are kidnapped in San Diego and Cam’s estranged wife goes missing in New York.

 

Three riddled messages, each signed with Italian names, are left at their doors, and when Blake finds a clue, ex-Fed Cam confides a secret to him: a cover-up from a murder case he was involved in. Meanwhile the media besmirches Blake with a twenty-year-old murder which was off the records and only someone close to him could have known of.

 

Framed for murder one year prior to recent events, Blake crumbles under the pressure and fears his loved ones dead. But then he finds evidence in his very own garage linking Cam’s past to the kidnappings. Now Blake has to make a life-and-death decision: reveal Cam’s cover-up or become an accomplice in a planned murder.

 

Complete at 86,000 words, 10 DAY BETRAYAL is an adult thriller. It can be a standalone or the second in a series.  


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#2 dizzywriter

dizzywriter

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 590 posts
  • Literary Status:published, self-published, in-between agents
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 11 July 2015 - 07:43 PM

I'm new to this, so I will start out small with my critiques and suggestions.

 

Chasing Don't start  your sentences with -ing an anniversary gift for his wife at the local shopping mall, Jeffrey Blake is shocked when, right beside him, his best friend Phil “Cam” Camden is injured by a bullet that kills a woman behind them. behind/beside seems like too many prepositions. How about "When Jeffrey Blake's best friend is wounded during a murder at the local shopping mall, the police consider his injury a fluke..." and then lead into the rest.

 

Played down as wrong place/wrong time scenario, authorities investigate the woman’s death, but change tack fast when two days later Blake’s wife and child are kidnapped in San Diego and Cam’s estranged wife goes missing in New York.

 

Three riddled messages, each signed with Italian names, are left at their doors, and when Blake finds a clue, ex-Fed Cam confides a secret to him: a cover-up from a murder case he was involved in. Meanwhile the media besmirches Blake with a twenty-year-old murder which was off the records and only someone close to him could have known of.

 

Framed for murder one year prior to recent events, Blake crumbles under the pressure and fears his loved ones dead. But then he finds evidence in his very own garage linking Cam’s past to the kidnappings. Now Blake has to make a life-and-death decision: reveal Cam’s cover-up or become an accomplice in a planned murder.

 

Complete at 86,000 words, 10 DAY BETRAYAL is an adult thriller. It can be a standalone or the second in a series.  



#3 KellyS

KellyS

    New Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 539 posts
  • Literary Status:published, agented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 11 July 2015 - 08:27 PM

Haven't been here for a while as I was busy writing my sequel I just recently finished. Getting a good query together is the biggest battle, as we all know. So I thought I post the first version and see what you guys think. The first para is most likely not going to be the hook. I'm still working on a short snappy hook. But it would be great if I could get some feedback on the rest. Thanks in advance.

 

Chasing an anniversary gift for his wife at the local shopping mall, Jeffrey Blake is shocked when, right beside him, his best friend Phil “Cam (keep it simple) Camden is injured by a bullet that kills a woman behind them.

 

Played down as wrong place/wrong time scenario (clarify that you mean wrong place/wrong time for Blake. At first, I assumed you meant the woman who was killed.), authorities investigate the woman’s death, but change tack fast when two days later Blake’s wife and child are kidnapped in San Diego and Cam’s estranged wife goes missing in New York.

 

Three riddled messages, each signed with Italian names, are left at their doors, and when Blake finds a clue (what clue?), ex-Fed Cam confides a secret to him: that he was involved in a cover-up from of/on? a murder case he was involved in twenty years earlier? (can you give a bit more info here?). Meanwhile comma the media besmirches Blake with a twenty-year-old murder (same murder that Cam told him about? If so, why are they blaming Blake?) which was off the records and only someone close to him could have known of.

 

Framed for murder one year prior to recent events (I might lead with this. Something along the lines of "Blake was framed for murder one year ago, but he's getting his life back on track--until..."), Blake crumbles under the pressure and fears his loved ones dead. But then he finds evidence in his very own garage linking Cam’s past to the kidnappings. Now Blake has to make a life-and-death decision: reveal Cam’s cover-up or become an accomplice in a planned murder.

 

Complete at 86,000 words, 10 DAY BETRAYAL is an adult thriller. It can be a standalone or the second in a series.  

Best of luck! :)



#4 Tanja

Tanja

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 617 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationAustralia/New Zealand

Posted 11 July 2015 - 09:39 PM

Thank you all for your replies. That gives me plenty to work with. dizzywriter, I like your suggestion for the first sentence. some good points there rose77, although I thought it's clear, apparently it's not. Especially the third part. Might have to cut things out and simplify. And jcwrites. I totally agree with you. Just that the story is a lot more complex than that. But I will work on it more and post another version sometime soon

 

Thank you guys so far


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#5 jr9701

jr9701

    I like pickles

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 92 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 12 July 2015 - 10:05 PM

Haven't been here for a while as I was busy writing my sequel I just recently finished. Getting a good query together is the biggest battle, as we all know. So I thought I post the first version and see what you guys think. The first para is most likely not going to be the hook. I'm still working on a short snappy hook. But it would be great if I could get some feedback on the rest. Thanks in advance.

 

Chasing an anniversary gift for his wife at the local shopping mall, Jeffrey Blake is shocked when, right beside him, to find his best friend Phil “Cam” Camden beside him has been injured by a bullet that has also kills killed a woman behind them.

 

Played down as wrong place/wrong time scenario, Authorities investigate the woman’s death, but change tack fast when two days later when Blake’s wife and child are kidnapped in San Diego and Cam’s estranged wife goes missing in New York.

 

Three riddled messages, each signed with Italian names, are left at their doors, and when Blake finds a clue, ex-Fed Cam confides a secret to him: a cover-up from a murder case he was involved in. Meanwhile the media besmirches Blake with a twenty-year-old murder which was off the records and only someone close to him could have known of.

 

Framed for murder one year prior to recent events, Blake crumbles under the pressure and fears his loved ones dead. But then he finds evidence in his very own garage linking Cam’s past to the kidnappings. Now Blake has to make a life-and-death decision: reveal Cam’s cover-up or become an accomplice in a planned murder.

 

Complete at 86,000 words, 10 DAY BETRAYAL is an adult thriller. It can be a standalone or the second in a series.  

 

The last paragraph is your strongest. The others are a bit weak and I feel like you should rework them. Either way, the story sounds interesting :)



#6 Tanja

Tanja

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 617 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationAustralia/New Zealand

Posted 13 July 2015 - 12:26 AM

Thank you jr9701. will be working on it. I might have to toss it all around differently. Shows how different opinions can be. That's the battle of the query. Glad you liked the last para


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#7 RyanDouglass

RyanDouglass

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 90 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, self-published, unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:I've self-published one juvenile fiction novel.

Posted 13 July 2015 - 02:55 AM

Haven't been here for a while as I was busy writing my sequel I just recently finished. Getting a good query together is the biggest battle, as we all know. So I thought I post the first version and see what you guys think. The first para is most likely not going to be the hook. I'm still working on a short snappy hook. But it would be great if I could get some feedback on the rest. Thanks in advance.

 

While chasing an anniversary gift for his wife at the local shopping mall, Jeffrey Blake's is shocked when, right beside him, his best friend Phil “Cam” Camden is injured by a bullet that kills a woman behind them. (Including Cam's real first name is unnecessary since I see you refer to him as just Cam in the rest of the query. Also, I don't know if I like the phrase "chasing an anniversary gift". At this point, I don't know what kind of story this is. I don't know if he's literally "chasing" a running anniversary gift or not. Something like a sentient anniversary gift could be real in a sci-fi/fantasy story. Maybe just go with a simpler verb since your story is a thriller.)

 

Played down as a wrong place/wrong time scenario, Authorities investigate the woman’s death, but change track fast when two days later, Blake’s wife and child are kidnapped in San Diego and Cam’s estranged wife goes missing in New York.

 

Three riddled messages, each signed with Italian names, are left at their doors. and When Blake finds a clue, ex-Fed Cam confides a secret to him: a cover-up from a murder case he was involved in. Meanwhile the media besmirches Blake with a twenty-year-old murder which was off the records and only someone close to him could have known of.

 

Framed for murder one year prior to recent events, Blake crumbles under the pressure and fears his loved ones dead. (I'm a little confused here. So he was framed for murder a year ago? Is this a different murder from the twenty-year-old one or the same one? Did he commit one murder and not commit the second one? I think Blake's past involvement with murder needs more explanation.) But then he finds evidence in his very own garage linking Cam’s past to the kidnappings. Now Blake has to make a life-and-death decision: reveal Cam’s cover-up or become an accomplice in a planned murder. (Planned murder? What planned murder?)

 

Complete at 86,000 words, 10 DAY BETRAYAL is an adult thriller. It can be a standalone or the second in a series.  

 

This sounds like a very good thriller. It just needs a little bit of clarity. 


Check out my query here: http://agentquerycon...-box-ya-horror/


#8 Tanja

Tanja

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 617 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationAustralia/New Zealand

Posted 13 July 2015 - 05:36 AM

Thank you all for your opinions so far. Very helpful and appreciated. We all  know a query is not easy, but I hope I'm getting a little closer. One thing that kind of worries me a little is the fact that it might leaves the impression that Blake might be an ex-Fed himself. But he isn't. It's only Cam. So, I hope it is clear enough. And I know there are a lot of incidents but only two are linked. I'm really hoping it's clearer in this version than the last one.

 

Chaos erupts at the local shopping mall when Jeffrey Blake’s best friend Cam drops down next to him, injured by a bullet that kills a woman.

 

At first, authorities investigate the woman’s death, but change tack fast when two days later Blake’s wife and child are kidnapped in San Diego and Cam’s estranged wife goes missing in New York.

 

Three riddled messages are left at their doors, and when Blake finds a clue, ex-Fed Cam confides to him that he’d been involved in a cover-up of a murder case two years ago and beliefs to know the abductor. Meanwhile, the media besmirches Blake’s good reputation with another incident which killed an innocent. Only someone close to him could have known of it and he suspects Cam played the story to the paper.

 

Their friendship put to a test, Blake is oblivious it’s a different past catching up on him. Still healing wounds as he was framed for murder one year prior to recent events, he crumbles under the pressure and fears his loved ones dead. But then he finds evidence in his very own garage linking Cam’s past to the kidnappings. He could rat on Cam, but it takes an unexpected turn when a third party gambles with their lives.

 

Complete at 86,000 words, 10 DAY BETRAYAL is an adult thriller. It can be a standalone or the second in a series. 


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#9 Denisa

Denisa

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 254 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationEurope

Posted 13 July 2015 - 06:50 AM

Thank you all for your opinions so far. Very helpful and appreciated. We all  know a query is not easy, but I hope I'm getting a little closer. One thing that kind of worries me a little is the fact that it might leaves the impression that Blake might be an ex-Fed himself. But he isn't. It's only Cam. So, I hope it is clear enough. And I know there are a lot of incidents but only two are linked. I'm really hoping it's clearer in this version than the last one.

 

Chaos erupts at the local shopping mall when Jeffrey Blake’s best friend Cam drops down next to him, injured by a bullet that kills a womanthis looks much better. The chasing the anniversary gift wasn't necessary in the hook. 

 

At first, authorities investigate the woman’s death, but change tack fast when two days later Blake’s wife and child are kidnapped in San Diego and Cam’s estranged wife goes missing in New York.

 

Three riddled messages are left at their doors both their door?, and (I think I would cut the underlined part. It reads better without it) when Blake finds a clue, ex-Fed Cam confides to him that he’d been involved in a cover-up of a murder case two years ago and beliefs  believes to know the abductor you need to make the connection clearer here, the killer from the covered-up murder might be the abductor? How does Blake fit in all this? Why would his wife and child be taken as well? is Blake in someway involved in the covered-up murder as well? . Meanwhile, the media besmirches Blake’s good reputation with another incident which killed an innocent this reads awkward. his dark past maybe? or a dark secret from his past? I liked the whole framed for murder; to avoid confusion with the murder's you could say: framed for a murder that took place a year prior, then you can add that the covered-up murder took place two years ago, and so it's clear they're not one and the same . Only someone close to him could have known of it and he suspects Cam played the story to the paper.

 

Their friendship put to a test, Blake is oblivious it’s a different past catching up on him.what other past? Still healing wounds as he was framed for murder one year prior to recent events, he crumbles under the pressure and fears his loved ones dead. But then he finds evidence in his very own garage linking Cam’s past to the kidnappings. He could rat on Cam, but it takes an unexpected turn when a third party gambles with their lives. ​this last paragraph needs a little more work. I'm a bit confuse about what's going on.

 

Complete at 86,000 words, 10 DAY BETRAYAL is an adult thriller. It can be a standalone or the second in a series. 



#10 Tanja

Tanja

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 617 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationAustralia/New Zealand

Posted 13 July 2015 - 07:04 AM

Thank you Denisa. Your feedback is as always very helpful. The tricky part is that Blake and Cam don't realize that their totally different pasts are actually linked to not just the kidnappings. However, Blake is not involved in the cover-up. I do agree with you. I did prefer the previous version starting with the framed part as well. It did cause some confusion but I might try it again differently. Thanks for our feedback.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#11 Lanette Kauten

Lanette Kauten

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,408 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationUS Southwest
  • Publishing Experience:HOUSE OF THISTLES published November 2013. WITHOUT BORDERS to be published in serialization in the fall of 2015 by Cliffhanger Press. CASSIA, a literary novel set in an arts district, will be published by Evolved Publishing in March 2016.

Posted 13 July 2015 - 07:51 AM

 

Chaos erupts at the local shopping mall when Jeffrey Blake’s best friend Cam drops down next to him, injured by a bullet that kills a woman. Chaos erupts is vague. The hook needs to be more attention grabbing with the main character in the active role.

 

At first, authorities investigate the woman’s death, but change tack fast when two days later Blake’s wife and child are kidnapped in San Diego and Cam’s estranged wife goes missing in New York. This makes it sound like the authorities have stopped investigating a woman's death. Police can do both. I think the main problem is I don't understand what the woman's death has to do with the query. I'm sure it's important in the book, but all a query has to do is grab the agent's attention with the MC, his goals, and what's standing in his way. If you confuse the agent, you've lost her.

 

Three riddled messages are left at their doors, and when Blake finds a clue, ex-Fed Cam confides to him that he’d been involved in a cover-up of a murder case two years ago and beliefs believes to know the abductor. Meanwhile, the media besmirches Blake’s good reputation with another incident which killed an innocent. Only someone close to him could have known of it and he suspects Cam played the story to the paper.

 

Their friendship put to a test, Blake is oblivious it’s a different past catching up on him. Still healing wounds as he was framed for murder one year prior to recent events A framed murder is thrown in without context., he crumbles under the pressure Vague and cliche. How does he crumble under pressure? and fears his loved one's dead. But (It's a little thing, but you should drop the word 'but' and start the sentence with 'then.' then he finds evidence in his very own garage linking Cam’s past to the kidnappings. He could rat on Cam, but it takes an unexpected turn when a third party gambles with their lives. I'm not sure about this one. When your wife's kidnapped and what's standing in the way is whether you should rat out your best friend, you rat out your best friend. No problem. But you throw in the last part which leads me to believe there's an unexpected reason he doesn't; however, the reason is vague. IMO, it's more intriguing to leave off this last sentence.

 

Complete at 86,000 words, 10 DAY BETRAYAL is an adult thriller. It can be a standalone or the second in a series. This right here could kill a great query and a great story. Agents are loathed to taking on the second book in a series, even if it can be a standalone. I would leave that part off for now and discuss the complication later because if it's a standalone, the first book may not even matter.

 

I like thrillers, and this sounds exciting. Good luck.



#12 Tanja

Tanja

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 617 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationAustralia/New Zealand

Posted 13 July 2015 - 08:47 AM

Thank you Lanette. You pointed out some good points there and you actually confirmed one that I felt I should do. Leave out the last sentence. Thank you for that. Will ponder more and hope you'll comment on the next version. Very helpful. Thank you


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#13 Tanja

Tanja

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 617 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationAustralia/New Zealand

Posted 13 July 2015 - 10:12 PM

I hope I have more luck with this version. I have to admit, though, I'm not sure about the last part. Anyway, what do you think?

 

Jeffrey Blake is shaken. While at the local shopping mall, his best friend Cam drops down next to him, injured by a bullet that kills a woman.

 

At first, authorities investigate the woman’s death, then try to find a connection when two days later Blake’s wife and child are kidnapped in San Diego and Cam’s estranged wife goes missing in New York.

 

Blake is still healing wounds as he was framed for murder one year prior to the events and fears his loved one’s dead. Then Blake finds a clue, and ex-Fed Cam confides to him that he’d been involved in a cover-up of a murder case two years ago and believes to know the abductor. Meanwhile, the media besmirches Blake’s good reputation with a different incident which killed an innocent. Only someone close to him could have known of it and he suspects Cam played the story to the paper.

 

Then Blake finds evidence in his very own garage linking his past with Cam’s and, the kidnappings. Blake wants to warn Cam, but a third party messes with his plan.

 

Complete at 86,000 words, 10 DAY BETRAYAL is an adult thriller.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#14 Carolynne Nelson

Carolynne Nelson

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 388 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast
  • Publishing Experience:None

Posted 13 July 2015 - 10:47 PM

I hope I have more luck with this version. I have to admit, though, I'm not sure about the last part. Anyway, what do you think?

 

Jeffrey Blake is shaken. While at the local shopping mall, his best friend Cam drops down next to him, injured by a bullet that kills a woman. (I feel like this sentence is awkward and vague and out of tense/present tense   and should be replaced with Chaos erupts at the local shopping mall when Jeffrey Blake’s best friend Cam drops down next to him, injured by a bullet that kills a woman)

 

At first, authorities investigate the woman’s death, then try to find a connection when two days, (add comma here), later Blake’s wife and child are kidnapped in San Diego and Cam’s estranged wife goes missing in New York.

 

Blake is still healing wounds as he was framed for murder one year prior to the events and fears his loved one’s dead. Then Blake finds a clue, and ex-Fed Cam confides to him that he’d been involved in a cover-up of a murder case two years ago and believes to know the abductor. Meanwhile, the media besmirches Blake’s good reputation with a different incident which killed an innocent. Only someone close to him could have known of it and he suspects Cam played the story to the paper.

 

Then Blake finds evidence in his very own garage linking his past with Cam’s and (no comma, it breaks the action) the kidnappings. Blake wants to warn Cam, but a third party messes with his plan doesn't let him.

 

Complete at 86,000 words, 10 DAY BETRAYAL is an adult thriller.


I'd appreciate if you'd take a look at my query here, DARKEST DAYS

 


#15 Tanja

Tanja

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 617 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationAustralia/New Zealand

Posted 13 July 2015 - 11:00 PM

Thank you Carolynne.

Might bring the other beginning back in. I preferred it, too. Thank you for your help


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#16 Billy robbins

Billy robbins

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 41 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:New

Posted 14 July 2015 - 09:37 AM

I hope I have more luck with this version. I have to admit, though, I'm not sure about the last part. Anyway, what do you think?

Thanks for your review. I hope this helps you. Some clarity is in order, and reordering of the sentences for  a clear presentation. Your idea, and story sound exciting.

 

 

Jeffrey Blake is shaken ( need more drama; shaken isn't enough; devastated?). While at the local shopping mall, his best friend Cam drops down next to him ( Start here;  While at the Crazy World Shopping center Cam is accidentally shot)injured by a bullet that kills a woman (by a bullet that kills a woman).

 

At first, authorities investigate the woman’s death, then try to find a connection when two days later Blake’s wife and child are kidnapped in San Diego and Cam’s estranged wife goes missing in New York.    ( The sequence of events is out of order, try this: Two days later Blake's wife and child are kidnapped and police investigate the connections between the incidents).

 

Blake is still healing wounds as he was framed for murder one year prior to the events and fears his loved one’s dead. Then Blake finds a clue, and ex-Fed Cam confides to him that he’d been involved in a cover-up of a murder case two years ago and believes to know the abductor. Meanwhile, the media besmirches Blake’s good reputation with a different incident which killed an innocent. Only someone close to him could have known of it and he suspects Cam played the story to the paper.( Very convoluted, and hard to follow; Try this, Conspiracies? Blake was proven innocent for a murder only last year, and consults a friend, Cam, who is an ex-Fed.  (I couldn't understand what ex-Fed Cam was at first. Thought Cam was a government agency)(how could the media slander his name when it was slandered when he was framed? Is the media central to the plot? Blake and Cam team up to find the murder, and solve the crime by x, y, and z. 

 

Then Blake finds evidence in his (delete very own ; his garage is succinct. ),  garage linking his past with Cam’s and, the kidnappings. Blake wants to warn Cam, but a third party messes with his plan.( a third party; too general. This must be the murder, conspirator? Change the word messes. Cats mess up. Murderers kill, shoot, destroy). The murders leaves a bloody message, that puts Blake and Cam in the cross hairs. ( raise the stakes, and be specific). Good luck. Impressed that you have a sequel. Billy  , and still working on my query in Road to the Real World.

 

Complete at 86,000 words, 10 DAY BETRAYAL is an adult thriller.



#17 Gibber

Gibber

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 496 posts
  • Literary Status:agented
  • LocationUS Northwest
  • Publishing Experience:Tooling around in fanfiction until shit got real.

Posted 14 July 2015 - 10:03 PM

I hope I have more luck with this version. I have to admit, though, I'm not sure about the last part. Anyway, what do you think?

 

Jeffrey Blake is shaken. While at the local shopping mall, his best friend Cam (drops down next to him, injured by a bullet that kills a woman. This is a mouthful of words to say "his best friend is shot." It weakens the sentence. To be more direct--and attention grabbing--I'd do something like, "On the morning of blah-and-blah, Jeffrey Blake's best friend is shot." In the following paragraph you could then add 1. he's not dead 2. a woman is and 3. the investigation and their families going missing. But "drops next to him, injured" bleeds the punch right out of it.)

 

At first, authorities investigate the woman’s death, then try to find a connection when two days later Blake’s wife and child are kidnapped in San Diego and Cam’s estranged wife goes missing in New York.  (Also, I would think about cutting out Cam's wife. There were too many subjects in this sentence and Cam's dilemma distracts from Blake's.)

 

Blake is still healing wounds as he was framed for murder one year prior to the events and fears his loved one’s dead. (Awkward phrasing.) Then Blake finds a clue, and ex-Fed Cam confides to him that he’d been involved in a cover-up of a murder case two years ago and believes to know the abductor. (Maybe break this sentence up?) Meanwhile, the media besmirches Blake’s good reputation with a different incident which killed an innocent. (This sounds like it's just throwing things in there. Going again for the punchy (my obsession) you could say that, "Then the media catches wind of the story", the story being his past. Also, it's awkwardly phrased.) Only someone close to him could have known of it and he suspects Cam (played- leaked?) the story to the paper. (Do people do that any more? Talk to "the paper?") (Also, why does he suspect Cam?)

 

Then Blake finds evidence in his very own garage linking his past with Cam’s and(,) the kidnappings. (Is there a more energetic way of writing that?) Blake wants to warn Cam, but a third party messes with his plan. (Not a fan of this last sentence. It's vague and boring and just throws more information in the query with no foundation to stand on.)

 

Complete at 86,000 words, 10 DAY BETRAYAL is an adult thriller.

I like the premise: his best friend might be a traitor of some kind, even if only personally? Gold. But the phrasing of the query is weak. This is a thriller, it's supposed to be punchy (I keep using that word, I'm sorry) and electrified, high-octane imagination fuel. And the way it's on here, it's more like a four year old riding a motorized scooter--neither fast nor powerful. You've got a good skeleton here, now trim off the fat and get this sucker lean and mean.



#18 Tanja

Tanja

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 617 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationAustralia/New Zealand

Posted 15 July 2015 - 12:40 AM

Thank you Gibber and Billy. I totally agree. It's not punchy enough. Sentences are too long. I need to think back to the process I had with my other query which is in some way successful (at least I'm getting requests for partials and full) And that is punchy and short sentences.

Not an easy task with this one as so much is happening. But I have to concentrate on the basics. And beginning with "On the morning ..." is a good idea, too. Starting with 'while' and 'when' in a query should be avoided and that's a good way to do it.

 

Will post another version later on. Thank you all so far for your help


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#19 Tanja

Tanja

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 617 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationAustralia/New Zealand

Posted 15 July 2015 - 01:40 AM

New approach. I left out the media part as it seemed to confused too many. It is as such not important also it is in some way. Instead of concentrating on the quarrel of my two MC's I concentrated on the actual plot.

 

A shopping trip to find a present for Jeffrey Blake’s wife, takes a turn when his best Cam is grazed by a bullet that kills a woman behind them.

 

At first, authorities treat Cam’s case as nothing other than a wrong time / wrong place scenario and concentrate on the woman’s death. A detective, however, holds his reservations as only one year prior Blake was proven innocent in a serial murder case.

 

Two days later, Blake’s wife and child are kidnapped in San Diego and Cam’s estranged wife goes missing in New York. While detectives try to find a connection, Blake and Cam, an ex-Fed, start their own investigation.

 

When Blake solves a riddle, Cam confides to him that he’d been involved in a cover-up of a murder two years ago and believes he knows the abductor.

Cam decides to go to New York. Meanwhile, Blake finds evidence in his own garage linking his past with Cam’s and the kidnappings.

 

Blake wants to warn his friend that he might walk straight into a trap. Instead, Blake is confronted by a third party, forcing him to a decision he does not want to make. Kill Cam or else.

 

Complete at 86,000 words, 10 DAY BETRAYAL is an adult thriller.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#20 Tanja

Tanja

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 617 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationAustralia/New Zealand

Posted 16 July 2015 - 02:38 AM

Looks like my other version was either brilliant or horrible. I think it's the latter. So I try it again :smile:

 

A shopping trip takes a wicked turn when Jeffrey Blake’s best friend Cam drops next to him, grazed by a bullet that kills a woman behind them.

 

At first, Blake and Cam shrug it off as a wrong place / wrong time scenario and authorities concentrate on the woman’s death. Blake, however, holds his silent reservations as only one year prior, he was proven innocent in a serial murder case.

 

Two days later, Blake’s wife and child are kidnapped in San Diego and Cam’s estranged wife goes missing in New York. While detectives try to find a connection, Blake and Cam, an ex-Fed, start their own investigation.

 

When Blake stumbles over a clue pointing at Cam’s past, he confides to him that he’d been involved in a cover-up of a murder two years ago and believes he knows the abductor.

 

Cam decides to go to New York to find prove for his theory. Meanwhile, Blake discovers that their pasts are inextricably woven together with the kidnappings. Blake wants to warn his friend that he might walk straight into a trap, but a third party hampers his plan and forces him to a decision he doesn’t want to make. Kill Cam or else.

 

Complete at 86,000 words, 10 DAY BETRAYAL is an adult thriller.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users