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Synopsis critique for Ring of Fire (MG fantasy)


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#1 BeautifulChaos

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Posted 01 September 2015 - 07:10 PM

This is the first draft of something I've never done before. Please be respectfully brutal.

 

Kala is a care-free, slightly rebellious girl living a slightly less-than-normal life near the boundary of the magical land conquered by her people when they migrated from the Old World.

            Orphaned at a young age, she was raised by her uncle; a retired soldier in an Elite army formed by their king to protect his kingdom from the native population. Kala, alongside her cousin Audri, are responsible for the care and keeping of her uncle’s homestead in his absence.

 

As his absences become more frequent, Kala and Audri begin to suspect that trouble is afoot.

 

One evening Kala, neglecting the chore of overseeing the chickens during their time out of the coop, finds that the rooster has gone missing. Her search leads her to the edge of her property where a mysterious shadowy figure is approaching.

Kala runs to the house and locks the door. Not wanting to call attention to her juvenile negligence, she says nothing to her sleeping cousin and instead stands guard by the door until she falls asleep.

            The sun rises and Kala’s cousin awakes. Kala is sure she will notice the absence of the rooster and is about to confess when a crow rings out, announcing the day. Through the window she can see that the rooster has somehow made his way back to the coop.

Shortly after uncle returns to gather the year’s crops and take them to be sold at the market. He leaves them with weapons forged with the intent to kill non-human creatures, and this warning: Stay together, and be home before the sun sets.

Never before has he given such a solemn warning, and the girls begin to speculate as to whether his trip into the king’s city is truly about the selling of wares at the market.

They are deep in the middle of such a discussion, while eating lunch in their childhood treehouse when they spot another suspicious figure lurking at the edge of the forest.

Against Audri’s wishes, Kala pursues the figure. She is in denial of the fact that it is curiosity, and not a desire to protect their property, that motivates her.

Blinded by the darkness of the woods, she is soon captured and marched to a clearing where she discovers that her captor is an elf named Cain. Waiting for them is Cain’s brother, Azlyn, who is outraged by her capture and takes it upon himself to return her home.

As he escorts her, Azlyn drops subtle hints that he knows more about Kala than she suspects.  He also explains his brothers haste is the result of a family tragedy: Cain’s son has been injured and needs immediate help. Upon seeing Kala’s property he realizes that the tree their treehouse lies in contains a healing property that can save his nephew. Kala agrees to distract her cousin while he collects what is needed.

Just before they part ways, Azlyn says something that stuns her:
“Your mother would be proud.”

His words linger and spark a curiosity in Kala that drives her to seek him out again. She discovers, through Azlyn, that her parents were part of a rebel group called The Alliance who sought to unite the mystic breeds and overthrow the human king. Azlyn takes her to her mother’s grave and tells her that her mother died at the hands of Kala’s uncle, and that her father is still alive.

Kala returns home, heartbroken, only to find that Azlyn has followed her. He stays with her as she cries and confesses his love for her.

The two continue to see each other secretly, even as Kala and Audri receive word that war is coming, and Kala’s uncle has been drafted despite his retirement.

Meanwhile Azlyn’s brother, Cain, vocalizes his disapproval of Kala and Azlyn’s romance. He goads his brother into bringing Kala before The Alliance and admitting his relationship with her.

As Kala prepares for her journey, she is confronted by Audri. Desperately wanting the best of both worlds, Kala tells Audri of her relationship with Azlyn. An argument ensues, but Audri seems to extend an olive branch when she tells Kala to take their horse with her.

On the way to the Alliance, Cain corners Kala and tells her that Azlyn is deceiving her. That he is the heir to the elven throne and sought her out at the bequest of Kala’s father, with the implied promise that when the kingdoms were united Azlyn’s marriage to Kala would gain him monarchial status.

Kala storms off from the camp and confronts Azlyn, who is infuriated by his brother’s meddling and tries his best to reassure Kala that his feelings are genuine, and that he had hoped to limit her involvement in the political aspects of The Alliance until she had made the decision to join it herself.

The two find that Cain has left the camp, and continue the journey alone.

 At the meeting of the Alliance, Kala is introduced to the world of mystic creatures. She meets Azlyn’s father who is an outcast in spite of being king of the elves. His right-hand, a witch named Eoma, prods Kala’s mind to determine her intent and discovers that she and Azlyn are bonded. She cautions the Alliance to accept Kala, and not to meddle in the affairs of the Fates.

Kala also discovers she has a half-brother; Nykolas, the son of Kala’s father and a wood nymph. His conception is considered scandalous and he is not entirely welcomed even among the rebels.

Kala returns home and resumes her double-life. Audri does not confront her again, but is standoffish. The king’s messenger brings word that Audri’s father will be coming home on leave. Kala seeks out Azlyn to warn him.

Unbeknownst to her, the message was a trap. Her uncle had been aware of her relationship, and was using her as bait to catch Azlyn.
Azlyn, in turn, was followed by his brother Cain whose jealousy and bitterness turned to hatred for his brother. When Cain encounters Kala’s uncle he is overcome with rage and kills him before fleeing into the uncharted territory.

Kala mourns her uncle and brings the news to Audri, who neglects her health before disappearing.

Shortly after Audri’s disappearance Cain’s son comes with a message: An army is coming and Kala must flee. The two of them do not make it far before the king’s men capture them.

Kala is sure they are bound for death when, in the middle of the night one of the soldiers frees them. It is Kala’s father, impersonating a soldier. The three of them escape into mystic territory and meet up with Azlyn and others from The Alliance before being overtaken by the king’s men. Azlyn instructs Cain’s son to take Kala and hide, hinting that there is something more important than just her life at stake.

The two flee to a cave where Cain’s son struggles to keep Kala hidden as she is determined to fight alongside Azlyn. After convincing her that she would be a hindrance and not an aid, they lie down to sleep.

Kala dreams of the ongoing battle, seeing the mass carnage as the Elites defeat The Alliance. She witnesses the death of Azlyn and hears Eoma’s voice telling her to run. When she awakes, Cain’s son confirms that he was given the same vision and the two of them escape into the wilderness.

After the battle, The Alliance sends word to Kala. Their forces have been depleted and there is discord among the races. She is not safe with them and must instead hide among her own people.
 

Kala also discovers what Eoma had already known. She is with child. Being that the child was sired by an elf, it is expected that she will inherit the genetic knowledge of both her bloodlines. Their child is the key to uniting their people and must remain hidden until she is old enough to access the knowledge with which she is born.

 

 


Oh Geeze. I'm not sure why copy/pasting did that to the formatting.



#2 jennieblaser

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Posted 01 September 2015 - 07:26 PM

Hi,

 

I read your synopsis. Here are a few general comments.

 

1) You should have only 5-6 characters introduced in your synopsis

2) It needs to be 1-2 pages, double spaced, about 450-550 words.

3) Keep it simple &  leave stuff out.

 

I just read this great blog post: https://janefriedman...novel-synopsis/

 

It helped me SO much. Good luck!



#3 BeautifulChaos

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Posted 01 September 2015 - 07:32 PM

Hi,

 

I read your synopsis. Here are a few general comments.

 

1) You should have only 5-6 characters introduced in your synopsis

2) It needs to be 1-2 pages, double spaced, about 450-550 words.

3) Keep it simple &  leave stuff out.

 

I just read this great blog post: https://janefriedman...novel-synopsis/

 

It helped me SO much. Good luck!

Thanks for your response.
I hadn't heard word count or to limit the introduction of characters. I feel like so much was left out of what I did write, I'm not sure how to cut things out and still have the story line make sense. I think maybe I'm too close to MS to weed out what isn't necessary

Do you have any suggestions on what you'd leave out, as someone who hasn't read the manuscript?



#4 ah_522

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Posted 01 September 2015 - 08:00 PM

HI Beautiful Chaos,

 

Ideally, you have 2-3 different synopses of different lengths. A short one that's about 500 words, one slightly longer 2-3 pages, and a longer one that has one sentence summing up every 25 pages. 

 

But keeping the characters to a maximum of 5 is generally the rule I've heard. The others are slightly looser. 

 

Good luck!



#5 BeautifulChaos

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Posted 01 September 2015 - 08:05 PM

Okay I tweaked it a little. How is this? (sorry the formatting is still coming out weird for some reason)
 

Kala is a care-free, slightly rebellious girl living a slightly less-than-normal life near the boundary of the magical land conquered by her people when they migrated from the Old World.

            Orphaned at a young age, she was raised by her uncle; a retired soldier in an Elite army formed by their king to protect his kingdom from the native population. Kala, alongside her cousin Audri, are responsible for the care and keeping of her uncle’s homestead in his absence.

 

As his absences become more frequent, Kala and Audri begin to suspect that trouble is afoot.

 

One evening Kala, neglecting the chore of overseeing the chickens during their time out of the coop, finds that the rooster has gone missing. Her search leads her to the edge of her property where a mysterious shadowy figure is approaching.

Kala runs to the house and locks the door. Not wanting to call attention to her juvenile negligence, she says nothing to her sleeping cousin and instead stands guard by the door until she falls asleep.

            The sun rises and Kala’s cousin awakes. Kala is sure she will notice the absence of the rooster and is about to confess when a crow rings out, announcing the day. Through the window she can see that the rooster has somehow made his way back to the coop.

Shortly after uncle returns to gather the year’s crops and take them to be sold at the market. He leaves them with weapons forged with the intent to kill non-human creatures, and this warning: Stay together, and be home before the sun sets.

Never before has he given such a solemn warning, and the girls begin to speculate as to whether his trip into the king’s city is truly about the selling of wares at the market.

They are deep in the middle of such a discussion, while eating lunch in their childhood treehouse when they spot another suspicious figure lurking at the edge of the forest.

Against Audri’s wishes, Kala pursues the figure. She is in denial of the fact that it is curiosity, and not a desire to protect their property, that motivates her.

Blinded by the darkness of the woods, she is soon captured and marched to a clearing where she discovers that her captor is an elf named Cain. Waiting for them is Cain’s brother, Azlyn, who is outraged by her capture and takes it upon himself to return her home.

As he escorts her, Azlyn drops subtle hints that he knows more about Kala than she suspects.  He also explains his brothers haste is the result of a family tragedy: Cain’s son has been injured and needs immediate help. Upon seeing Kala’s property he realizes that the tree their treehouse lies in contains a healing property that can save his nephew. Kala agrees to distract her cousin while he collects what is needed.

Just before they part ways, Azlyn says something that stuns her:
“Your mother would be proud.”

His words linger and spark a curiosity in Kala that drives her to seek him out again. She discovers, through Azlyn, that her parents were part of a rebel group called The Alliance who sought to unite the mystic breeds and overthrow the human king. Azlyn takes her to her mother’s grave and tells her that her mother died at the hands of Kala’s uncle, and that her father is still alive.

Kala returns home, heartbroken, only to find that Azlyn has followed her. He stays with her as she cries and confesses his love for her.

The two continue to see each other secretly, even as Kala and Audri receive word that war is coming, and Kala’s uncle has been drafted despite his retirement.

Meanwhile Azlyn’s brother, Cain, vocalizes his disapproval of Kala and Azlyn’s romance. He goads his brother into bringing Kala before The Alliance and admitting his relationship with her.

As Kala prepares for her journey, she is confronted by Audri. Desperately wanting the best of both worlds, Kala tells Audri of her relationship with Azlyn. An argument ensues, but Audri seems to extend an olive branch when she tells Kala to take their horse with her.

On the way to the Alliance, Cain corners Kala and tells her that Azlyn is deceiving her. That he is the heir to the elven throne and sought her out at the bequest of Kala’s father, with the implied promise that when the kingdoms were united Azlyn’s marriage to Kala would gain him monarchial status.

Kala storms off from the camp and confronts Azlyn, who is infuriated by his brother’s meddling and tries his best to reassure Kala that his feelings are genuine, and that he had hoped to limit her involvement in the political aspects of The Alliance until she had made the decision to join it herself.

The two find that Cain has left the camp, and continue the journey alone.

 At the meeting of the Alliance, Kala is introduced to the world of mystic creatures. She meets Azlyn’s father who is an outcast in spite of being king of the elves. His right-hand, a witch named Eoma, prods Kala’s mind to determine her intent and discovers that she and Azlyn are bonded. She cautions the Alliance to accept Kala, and not to meddle in the affairs of the Fates.

Kala also discovers she has a half-brother; Nykolas, the son of Kala’s father and a wood nymph. His conception is considered scandalous and he is not entirely welcomed even among the rebels.

Kala returns home and resumes her double-life. Audri does not confront her again, but is standoffish. The king’s messenger brings word that Audri’s father will be coming home on leave. Kala seeks out Azlyn to warn him.

Unbeknownst to her, the message was a trap. Her uncle had been aware of her relationship, and was using her as bait to catch Azlyn.
Azlyn, in turn, was followed by his brother Cain whose jealousy and bitterness turned to hatred for his brother. When Cain encounters Kala’s uncle he is overcome with rage and kills him before fleeing into the uncharted territory.

Kala mourns her uncle and brings the news to Audri, who neglects her health before disappearing.

Shortly after Audri’s disappearance Cain’s son comes with a message: An army is coming and Kala must flee. The two of them do not make it far before the king’s men capture them.

Kala is sure they are bound for death when, in the middle of the night one of the soldiers frees them. It is Kala’s father, impersonating a soldier. The three of them escape into mystic territory and meet up with Azlyn and others from The Alliance before being overtaken by the king’s men. Azlyn instructs Cain’s son to take Kala and hide, hinting that there is something more important than just her life at stake.

The two flee to a cave where Cain’s son struggles to keep Kala hidden as she is determined to fight alongside Azlyn. After convincing her that she would be a hindrance and not an aid, they lie down to sleep.

Kala dreams of the ongoing battle, seeing the mass carnage as the Elites defeat The Alliance. She witnesses the death of Azlyn and hears Eoma’s voice telling her to run. When she awakes, Cain’s son confirms that he was given the same vision and the two of them escape into the wilderness.

After the battle, The Alliance sends word to Kala. Their forces have been depleted and there is discord among the races. She is not safe with them and must instead hide among her own people.
 

Kala also discovers what Eoma had already known. She is with child. Being that the child was sired by an elf, it is expected that she will inherit the genetic knowledge of both her bloodlines. Their child is the key to uniting their people and must remain hidden until she is old enough to access the knowledge with which she is born.



#6 BeautifulChaos

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Posted 02 September 2015 - 12:42 PM

HI Beautiful Chaos,

 

Ideally, you have 2-3 different synopses of different lengths. A short one that's about 500 words, one slightly longer 2-3 pages, and a longer one that has one sentence summing up every 25 pages. 

 

But keeping the characters to a maximum of 5 is generally the rule I've heard. The others are slightly looser. 

 

Good luck!

When you submit to an agent who asks for a Query, synopsis, and the first few pages do you first send the short synopsis? I'm not familiar with the industry standard on this. Is it prudent to ask the agent what they prefer?



#7 dizzywriter

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Posted 02 September 2015 - 10:23 PM

Okay I tweaked it a little. How is this? (sorry the formatting is still coming out weird for some reason)
 

Kala is a care-free, slightly rebellious girl living a slightly less-than-normal life near the boundary of the magical land conquered by her people when they migrated from the Old World.

            Orphaned at a young age, she was raised by her uncle; a retired soldier in an Elite army formed by their king to protect his kingdom from the native population. Kala, alongside her cousin Audri, are responsible for the care and keeping of her uncle’s homestead in his absence.

 

As his absences become more frequent, Kala and Audri begin to suspect that trouble is afoot.

 

One evening Kala, neglecting the chore of overseeing the chickens during their time out of the coop, finds that the rooster has gone missing. Her search leads her to the edge of her property where a mysterious shadowy figure is approaching.

Kala runs to the house and locks the door. Not wanting to call attention to her juvenile negligence, she says nothing to her sleeping cousin and instead stands guard by the door until she falls asleep.

            The sun rises and Kala’s cousin awakes. Kala is sure she will notice the absence of the rooster and is about to confess when a crow rings out, announcing the day. Through the window she can see that the rooster has somehow made his way back to the coop.

Shortly after uncle returns to gather the year’s crops and take them to be sold at the market. He leaves them with weapons forged with the intent to kill non-human creatures, and this warning: Stay together, and be home before the sun sets.

Never before has he given such a solemn warning, and the girls begin to speculate as to whether his trip into the king’s city is truly about the selling of wares at the market.

They are deep in the middle of such a discussion, while eating lunch in their childhood treehouse when they spot another suspicious figure lurking at the edge of the forest.

Against Audri’s wishes, Kala pursues the figure. She is in denial of the fact that it is curiosity, and not a desire to protect their property, that motivates her.

Blinded by the darkness of the woods, she is soon captured and marched to a clearing where she discovers that her captor is an elf named Cain. Waiting for them is Cain’s brother, Azlyn, who is outraged by her capture and takes it upon himself to return her home.

As he escorts her, Azlyn drops subtle hints that he knows more about Kala than she suspects.  He also explains his brothers haste is the result of a family tragedy: Cain’s son has been injured and needs immediate help. Upon seeing Kala’s property he realizes that the tree their treehouse lies in contains a healing property that can save his nephew. Kala agrees to distract her cousin while he collects what is needed.

Just before they part ways, Azlyn says something that stuns her:
“Your mother would be proud.”

His words linger and spark a curiosity in Kala that drives her to seek him out again. She discovers, through Azlyn, that her parents were part of a rebel group called The Alliance who sought to unite the mystic breeds and overthrow the human king. Azlyn takes her to her mother’s grave and tells her that her mother died at the hands of Kala’s uncle, and that her father is still alive.

Kala returns home, heartbroken, only to find that Azlyn has followed her. He stays with her as she cries and confesses his love for her.

The two continue to see each other secretly, even as Kala and Audri receive word that war is coming, and Kala’s uncle has been drafted despite his retirement.

Meanwhile Azlyn’s brother, Cain, vocalizes his disapproval of Kala and Azlyn’s romance. He goads his brother into bringing Kala before The Alliance and admitting his relationship with her.

As Kala prepares for her journey, she is confronted by Audri. Desperately wanting the best of both worlds, Kala tells Audri of her relationship with Azlyn. An argument ensues, but Audri seems to extend an olive branch when she tells Kala to take their horse with her.

On the way to the Alliance, Cain corners Kala and tells her that Azlyn is deceiving her. That he is the heir to the elven throne and sought her out at the bequest of Kala’s father, with the implied promise that when the kingdoms were united Azlyn’s marriage to Kala would gain him monarchial status.

Kala storms off from the camp and confronts Azlyn, who is infuriated by his brother’s meddling and tries his best to reassure Kala that his feelings are genuine, and that he had hoped to limit her involvement in the political aspects of The Alliance until she had made the decision to join it herself.

The two find that Cain has left the camp, and continue the journey alone.

 At the meeting of the Alliance, Kala is introduced to the world of mystic creatures. She meets Azlyn’s father who is an outcast in spite of being king of the elves. His right-hand, a witch named Eoma, prods Kala’s mind to determine her intent and discovers that she and Azlyn are bonded. She cautions the Alliance to accept Kala, and not to meddle in the affairs of the Fates.

Kala also discovers she has a half-brother; Nykolas, the son of Kala’s father and a wood nymph. His conception is considered scandalous and he is not entirely welcomed even among the rebels.

Kala returns home and resumes her double-life. Audri does not confront her again, but is standoffish. The king’s messenger brings word that Audri’s father will be coming home on leave. Kala seeks out Azlyn to warn him.

Unbeknownst to her, the message was a trap. Her uncle had been aware of her relationship, and was using her as bait to catch Azlyn.
Azlyn, in turn, was followed by his brother Cain whose jealousy and bitterness turned to hatred for his brother. When Cain encounters Kala’s uncle he is overcome with rage and kills him before fleeing into the uncharted territory.

Kala mourns her uncle and brings the news to Audri, who neglects her health before disappearing.

Shortly after Audri’s disappearance Cain’s son comes with a message: An army is coming and Kala must flee. The two of them do not make it far before the king’s men capture them.

Kala is sure they are bound for death when, in the middle of the night one of the soldiers frees them. It is Kala’s father, impersonating a soldier. The three of them escape into mystic territory and meet up with Azlyn and others from The Alliance before being overtaken by the king’s men. Azlyn instructs Cain’s son to take Kala and hide, hinting that there is something more important than just her life at stake.

The two flee to a cave where Cain’s son struggles to keep Kala hidden as she is determined to fight alongside Azlyn. After convincing her that she would be a hindrance and not an aid, they lie down to sleep.

Kala dreams of the ongoing battle, seeing the mass carnage as the Elites defeat The Alliance. She witnesses the death of Azlyn and hears Eoma’s voice telling her to run. When she awakes, Cain’s son confirms that he was given the same vision and the two of them escape into the wilderness.

After the battle, The Alliance sends word to Kala. Their forces have been depleted and there is discord among the races. She is not safe with them and must instead hide among her own people.
 

Kala also discovers what Eoma had already known. She is with child. Being that the child was sired by an elf, it is expected that she will inherit the genetic knowledge of both her bloodlines. Their child is the key to uniting their people and must remain hidden until she is old enough to access the knowledge with which she is born.

Is this a summary of the whole story? If it is, I did something similar with my first few synopsis tries. I saved it as "synopsis full" with the view that I will at some point need (if only for myself) a full summary of the story. Either way, there are way too many names, all of them unfamiliar, making them even harder to remember. I'd focus on just one or more themes -- the politics and the love interest -- and get rid of nearly everything else. Name no more than 3-5 characters (some say more but I find more than 3-5 very confusing, especially in fantasy). The two anecdotes about the shadowy figures (who are they anyway?) can be summed up into a clause "on the border of their land, where shadowy figures lurk". We never find out who they are in the synopsis anyway. The main drama seems to be the political conflict between the king of colonists (presumably mortal/human) and the native magical people and your MC's role in that conflict, along with the love interest that pops up. I'd focus on that story line. I hope I helped. Good luck!



#8 BeautifulChaos

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Posted 03 September 2015 - 12:18 AM

Is this a summary of the whole story? If it is, I did something similar with my first few synopsis tries. I saved it as "synopsis full" with the view that I will at some point need (if only for myself) a full summary of the story. Either way, there are way too many names, all of them unfamiliar, making them even harder to remember. I'd focus on just one or more themes -- the politics and the love interest -- and get rid of nearly everything else. Name no more than 3-5 characters (some say more but I find more than 3-5 very confusing, especially in fantasy). The two anecdotes about the shadowy figures (who are they anyway?) can be summed up into a clause "on the border of their land, where shadowy figures lurk". We never find out who they are in the synopsis anyway. The main drama seems to be the political conflict between the king of colonists (presumably mortal/human) and the native magical people and your MC's role in that conflict, along with the love interest that pops up. I'd focus on that story line. I hope I helped. Good luck!

Yes it is. I think the problem I'm having is condensing it to be more to the point while still having it be different than the query letter. I will work on it some more. Thank you!



#9 BeautifulChaos

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Posted 03 September 2015 - 12:56 AM

Okay, how is this?
 

Kala is a care-free, slightly rebellious girl living a slightly less-than-normal life near the boundary of the magical land conquered by her people when they migrated from the Old World.
            Orphaned at a young age, she was raised by her uncle; a retired soldier in an Elite army formed by their king to protect his kingdom from the native population. Kala, alongside her cousin Audri, are responsible for the care and keeping of her uncle’s homestead in his absence.

As his absences become more frequent, Kala and Audri begin to suspect that trouble is afoot. He leaves them with weapons meant to kill non-human creatures, and this warning: Stay together, and be home before the sun sets.

Never before has he given such a solemn warning, and the girls begin to speculate as to whether his trip into the king’s city is truly about the selling of wares at the market.

Their suspicions are confirmed when Kala chases down a shadowy figure looming at the edge of the forest. Blinded by the darkness of the woods, she is soon captured and marched to a clearing where she discovers that her captor is an elf named Cain. Waiting for them is Cain’s brother, Azlyn, who is outraged by her capture and takes it upon himself to return her home.

As he escorts her, Azlyn drops subtle hints that he knows more about Kala than she suspects.  Just before they part ways, Azlyn says something that stuns her:

“Your mother would be proud.”

His words linger and spark a curiosity in Kala that drives her to seek him out again. She discovers, through Azlyn, that her parents were part of a rebel group called The Alliance who sought to unite the mystic breeds and overthrow the human king. Azlyn takes her to her mother’s grave and tells her that her mother died at the hands of Kala’s uncle, and that her father is still alive.

Kala is torn between her loyalty to the family who raised her, and the parents who left her behind. She soon finds herself falling in love with Azlyn, all the while hiding her involvement from Audri.
            Meanwhile Azlyn’s brother, Cain, vocalizes his disapproval of Kala and Azlyn’s romance. He goads his brother into bringing Kala before The Alliance and admitting his relationship with her. During the journey Cain informs Kala that Azlyn has been hiding his social status from her: he is the prince of a fallen society.

When Kala is brought before The Alliance, a witch prods Kala’s mind to determine her intent. She cautions the Alliance to accept Kala, and not to meddle in the affairs of the Fates but gives no further explanation.

When Kala returns home her uncle is killed. Audri goes into hiding and the king’s army attacks The Alliance. While in hiding, Kala dreams of the ongoing battle. She witnesses the death of Azlyn and hears Eoma’s voice telling her to run.

After the battle, The Alliance sends word to Kala. She is not safe with them and must instead hide among her own people.

Kala also discovers what Eoma had already known. She is with child. Their child is the key to uniting their people and must remain hidden until she is old enough to access the knowledge with which she is born.



#10 bookgirl_kt

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Posted 03 September 2015 - 07:12 PM

Here are my edits. I think this is good! I have some suggestions on tightening it.

 

Kala is a care-free, slightly rebellious girl livesing a slightly less-than-normal life near the boundary of the magical land conquered by her people when they migrated from the Old World. I think shorter flows better for the first line.
            Orphaned at a young age, she was raised by her uncle; a retired soldier in an Elite army formed by their king to protect his the kingdom from the native population. Kala, alongside her cousin Audri, are responsible for the care and keeping of her uncle’s homestead in his absence.

As his absences become more frequent, Kala and Audri begin to suspect that trouble is afoot. He leaves them with weapons meant to kill non-human creatures, and this warning: Stay together, and be home before the sun sets.

Never before has he given such a solemn warning, and the girls begin to believe speculate as to whether his trip into the king’s city is truly about more than the selling of wares at the market. Again, I tried to tighten it.

Their suspicions are confirmed when Kala chases down spots a shadowy figure looming at the edge of the forest. Although she tells herself she must protect her property, recklessness and curiosity lead her to give chase. Blinded by the darkness of the woods, she is soon captured and marched to a clearing where she discovers that her captor is an elf named Cain. Waiting for them is Cain’s brother, Azlyn, who is outraged by her capture and takes it upon himself to return her home. Here I think you want to add back in the sentence explaining why she chases the elf despite being warned by her uncle.

As he escorts her, Azlyn drops subtle hints that he knows more about Kala than she suspects.  Just before they part ways, Azlyn says something that stuns her:

“Your mother would be proud.” Nice line!

His words linger and spark a curiosity in Kala that drives her to seek him out again. She discovers, through Azlyn, that her parents were part of a rebel group called The Alliance who sought to unite the mystic breeds and overthrow the human king. Azlyn takes her to her mother’s grave and tells her that her mother died at the hands of Kala’s uncle, and that her father is still alive.

Kala is torn between her loyalty to the family who raised her, and the parents who left her behind. She soon finds herself falling in love with Azlyn, all the while hiding her involvement from Audri.
            Meanwhile Azlyn’s brother, Cain, vocalizes his disapproval of Kala and Azlyn’s romance. He goads his brother into bringing Kala before The Alliance and admitting his relationship with her. This is an exciting moment and I think it would be better if you convey a sense that Kala is in danger. During the journey Cain informs Kala that Azlyn has been hiding his social status from her: he is the prince of a fallen society.

When Kala is brought before The Alliance, a witch prods Kala’s mind to determine her intent. She cautions the Alliance to accept Kala, and not to meddle in the affairs of the Fates but gives no further explanation.

When Kala returns home her uncle is killed. Even more exciting, but this happens too fast. I prefer the first version where you told us how her uncle used her as bait. However, if possible tell it more like it's a story instead of a summary of a story, and maybe include a line from your book. The one you used above was good and pulled me into the story. Audri goes into hiding and the king’s army attacks The Alliance. While in hiding, Kala dreams of the ongoing battle. She witnesses the death of Azlyn and hears Eoma’s voice telling her to run. Make me feel the pain of Azlyn dying. Describe the carnage and Kala's horror that she can only watch and do nothing.

After the battle, The Alliance sends word to Kala. She is not safe with them and must instead hide among her own people.

Kala also discovers what Eoma had already known. She is with child. Their child is the key to uniting their people and must remain hidden until she is old enough to access the knowledge with which she is born.

Nice story!

 

(My synopsis is here).



#11 BeautifulChaos

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Posted 05 September 2015 - 11:51 AM

Kala lives a slightly less-than-normal life near the boundary of the magical land conquered by her people when they migrated from the Old World.
            Orphaned at a young age, she was raised by her uncle; a retired soldier in an Elite army formed to protect the kingdom from the native population. Kala, alongside her cousin Audri, are responsible for the care and keeping of her uncle’s homestead in his absence.

As his absences become more frequent, Kala and Audri begin to suspect that trouble is afoot. He leaves them with weapons meant to kill non-human creatures, and this warning: Stay together, and be home before the sun sets.

Never before has he given such a solemn warning, and the girls begin believe his trip into the king’s city is more than the selling of wares at the market.

Their suspicions are confirmed when Kala spots a shadowy figure looming at the edge of the forest. Although she tells herself she must protect her property, recklessness and curiosity lead her to give chase. Blinded by the darkness of the woods, she is soon captured and marched to a clearing where she discovers that her captor is an elf named Cain. Waiting for them is Cain’s brother, Azlyn, who is outraged by her capture and takes it upon himself to return her home.

As he escorts her, Azlyn drops subtle hints that he knows more about Kala than she suspects.  Just before they part ways, Azlyn says something that stuns her:

“Your mother would be proud.”

His words linger and spark a curiosity in Kala that drives her to seek him out again. She discovers, through Azlyn, that her parents were part of a rebel group called The Alliance who sought to unite the mystic breeds and overthrow the human king. Azlyn takes her to her mother’s grave and tells her that her mother died at the hands of Kala’s uncle, and that her father is still alive.

Kala is torn between her loyalty to the family who raised her, and the parents who left her behind. She soon finds herself falling in love with Azlyn, all the while hiding her involvement from Audri.
            Meanwhile Azlyn’s brother, Cain, vocalizes his disapproval of Kala and Azlyn’s romance. He goads his brother into bringing Kala before The Alliance and admitting his relationship with her, knowing it could lead to Kala’s death. During the journey Cain informs Kala that Azlyn has been hiding his social status from her: he is the prince of a fallen society.

When Kala is brought before The Alliance, a witch prods Kala’s mind to determine her intent. She cautions the Alliance to accept Kala, and not to meddle in the affairs of the Fates but gives no further explanation.

Kala returns home to a trap. Her uncle knows about her relationship and uses her to bait Azlyn. Unbeknownst to all, Cain followed his brother into the trap. Overcome with rage, Cain Kills Kala’s uncle before fleeing into the uncharted territory.

Audri goes into hiding and the king’s army attacks The Alliance. While in hiding, Kala dreams of the ongoing battle. She watches in horror as Azlyn is slain on the battlefield and hears Eoma’s voice telling her to run.

After the battle, The Alliance sends word to Kala. She is not safe with them and must instead hide among her own people.

Kala also discovers what Eoma had already known. She is with child. Their child is the key to uniting their people and must remain hidden until she is old enough to access the knowledge with which she is born.



#12 BeautifulChaos

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Posted 07 September 2015 - 11:59 PM

Made a few minor changes.

 

KALA lives a slightly less-than-normal life near the boundary of a magical land conquered by her people when they migrated from the Old World.

           Raised by her uncle--a retired soldier in an Elite army formed to protect the kingdom from the native population--she and her cousin, AUDRI, are responsible for the care and keeping of her uncle’s homestead in his absence.

As his absences become more frequent, Kala and Audri begin to suspect that trouble is afoot. He leaves them with weapons meant to kill non-human creatures, and a warning: Stay together, and be home before the sun sets.

The girls begin believe his trip into the king’s city is more than the selling of wares at the market.

Their suspicions are confirmed when Kala spots a shadowy figure looming at the edge of the forest. Although she tells herself she must protect her property, recklessness and curiosity lead her to give chase. Blinded by the darkness of the woods, she is soon captured and marched to a clearing where she discovers that her captor is an elf named CAIN. Waiting for them is Cain’s brother, AZLYN, who is outraged by her capture and takes it upon himself to return her home.

As he escorts her, Azlyn drops subtle hints that he knows more about Kala than she suspects.  Just before they part ways, Azlyn says something that stuns her:

“Your mother would be proud.”

His words linger and spark a curiosity in Kala that drives her to seek him out again. She discovers, through Azlyn, that her parents were part of a rebel group called The Alliance who sought to unite the mystic breeds and overthrow the human king. Azlyn takes her to her mother’s grave and tells her that her mother died at the hands of Kala’s uncle, and that her father is still alive.

Kala is torn between her loyalty to the family who raised her, and the parents who left her behind. She soon finds herself falling in love with Azlyn, all the while hiding her involvement from Audri.

           Meanwhile Azlyn’s brother, vocalizes his disapproval of their. He goads Azlyn into bringing Kala before The Alliance and admitting his relationship with her; knowing it could lead to Kala’s death. During the journey Cain informs Kala that Azlyn has been hiding his social status from her: he is the prince of a fallen society.

When Kala is brought before The Alliance, a witch prods Kala’s mind to determine her intent. She cautions the Alliance to accept Kala, and not to meddle in the affairs of the Fates but gives no further explanation.

Kala returns home to a trap. Her uncle knows about her relationship and uses her to bait Azlyn. Unbeknownst to all, Cain followed his brother into the trap. Overcome with rage, Cain Kills Kala’s uncle before fleeing into the uncharted territory.

Audri disappears and the king’s army attacks The Alliance. While in hiding, Kala dreams of the ongoing battle. She watches in horror as Azlyn is slain on the battlefield and hears Eoma’s voice telling her to run.

After the battle, The Alliance sends word to Kala. She is not safe with them and must instead hide among her own people.

Kala also discovers what Eoma had already known: She is with child. Their child is the key to uniting their people and must remain hidden until she is old enough to access the knowledge with which she is born.



#13 BeautifulChaos

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Posted 28 March 2016 - 08:03 PM

Stepped away a bit. I'm back with (hopefully) fresh eyes






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