Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo

Blackberry Cove (Mystery/Thriller)


  • Please log in to reply
22 replies to this topic

#1 villain_fan

villain_fan

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 93 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUnited Kingdom

Posted 13 September 2015 - 11:59 AM

Most recent at #22.

 

This is my one page synopsis to accompany a cover letter for a query. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

 

When detective GREGG HUNTER'S daughter is kidnapped, he has no choice but to take on a murder investigation commissioned by the very organisation which took her.

 

Forced into a real-life version of Clue, the PI must uncover the secrets of the small town of Blackberry Cove to find the body of a young man who had aspired to join the organisation. Digging deeper into the mysteries of the town and its residents, he meets outdoorsman, BERNARD, who jumps at the opportunity to help him.

 

Bernard has information about Gregg's ruthless employers – the Alliance, a secret organisation of assassins. Gregg believes the talkative outdoorsman is only helping him to get answers about the assassin who killed his wife seven years earlier. When Bernard puts pursuing the Alliance over the rescue of Gregg's daughter, Gregg questions if he can work alongside a man motivated by revenge. But after they find one of the Alliance's brutal training facilities, Gregg discovers that kidnapping young people is how they recruit their members. He no longer trusts the organisation to stick to their word and free his daughter.

 

After an attempt to rescue her fails, the Alliance shows Gregg they are not to be underestimated by murdering his ex-wife. Forced to think like an assassin, Gregg completes the assignment, uncovering the resident's mysteries and discovering the body. At first Gregg doesn't care that the person who buried the body don't know who committed the crime, as they were merely trying to protect who they thought was the killer and the body is all Gregg needs. But as the Alliance arrive with Gregg's daughter to collect the body, they are all taken captive by the real killer. Hoping to get answers about his wife's assassin, Bernard committed the murder so he could meet the Alliance when they came to investigate. Gregg then pursues Bernard and his hostages of killers, in order to finally get his daughter back.


If you can, please check out my mystery/thriller query - http://agentquerycon...e-3#entry312316

And synopsis - http://agentquerycon...mysterythriller/


#2 VitaCoco

VitaCoco

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 859 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 14 September 2015 - 09:57 AM

This is my one page synopsis (A one-page or a brief synopsis? Those two aren't always synonymous) to accompany a cover letter for a query. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.



When detective GREGG HUNTER'S daughter is kidnapped, he has no choice but to take on a murder investigation commissioned by the very organisation which took her. (Just for my curiosity, how does he find out she's been kidnapped?)

  • Going off your latest update for the query, it seems you're using the "original" instead of the "cover letter" form. If that's the case, your synopsis needs to be different. Consider adding more detail to this paragraph or writing the information in a new way. Maybe something like, but less gimmicky than, "The last thing detective GREGG HUNTER expects when he picks up the phone is a woman claiming her organisation kidnapped his daughter and are in need of his assistance for her safe return. After racing from his daughter's school to his ex-wive's house, Gregg knows this isn't a fluke."

Forced into a real-life version of Clue, the PI must uncover the secrets of the small town of Blackberry Cove to find the body of a young man who had aspired to join the organisation. Digging deeper into the mysteries of the town and its residents, he meets outdoorsman, BERNARD, who jumps at the opportunity to help him.

Bernard has information about Gregg's ruthless employers – the Alliance (Should "Alliance" be capitalized, too?), a secret organisation of assassins. Gregg believes the talkative outdoorsman is only helping him to get answers about the assassin who killed his wife seven years earlier. When Bernard puts pursuing the Alliance over the rescue of Gregg's daughter (<-- How does he do that? Does it involve a resident of Blackberry Cove?), Gregg questions if he can work alongside a man motivated by revenge. But after they find one of the Alliance's brutal training facilities (Why were they looking for this facility?), Gregg discovers that kidnapping young people is how they recruit their members. He no longer trusts the organisation to stick to their word and free his daughter.

After an attempt to rescue her fails, the Alliance shows Gregg they are not to be underestimated by murdering (How? Specific details stand out more) his ex-wife. Forced to think like an assassin, Gregg completes the assignment (does something specific/unique) and discovers the body (where?). uncovering the resident's (Should the apostrophe be behind the "s"?) mysteries and discovering the body. At first Gregg doesn't care that the person who buried the body don't know who committed the crime, as they were merely trying to protect who they thought was the killer and the body is all Gregg needs. But as after the Alliance arrive with Gregg's daughter to collect the body, they are all the female operative overseeing this mission is taken captive by the real killer culprit: Bernard. Hoping to get answers about his wife's assassin, Bernard Hot for answers (or: Dead set on getting answers), he murdered the young man after all(Period) committed the murder so he could meet the Alliance when they came to investigate. Gregg then pursues Bernard and his hostages of killers, in order to finally get his daughter back Gregg does something (be more specific
) as Bernard races off towards XXX.

 

Getting better, but yes, try to be more specific with your details. You're doing a good job with being brief, but avoid being vague.

Also, I find it hard to believe Bernard or anyone could take the Alliance captive. :S Therein lies the problem with creating great antagonists. To me, they shouldn't start messing up or become weaker for the plot's sake. Not to say that's what happens in your story, but that's what it might come off as in your synopsis. (Thanks for answering this!)

Still, all in all, I like this story! I look forward to your update.


"You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes" (Pooh).


#3 villain_fan

villain_fan

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 93 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUnited Kingdom

Posted 14 September 2015 - 11:15 AM

I'll fill you in a little more on the story Vita, since I often cheat in the synopsis by saying "Alliance", when I'm really only referring to one of their agents. Rachel is the Alliance operative who oversees this mission, in charge of making sure Gregg finds the body; so it's actually Rachel who informs Gregg of his daughter's kidnap and holds the girl until Gregg solves the case. She also briefs him on the town and residents. Then when he finally does solve the mysteries and finds the body, Rachel comes to collect it, but she (and only she) is taken captive by Bernard. After this it actually ends on a rather cliff-hanger/ambiguous ending (which is why I'm having difficulty with the ending of the synopsis), with Bernard driving off with Rachel, finally going to get his revenge and Gregg forced to chase after them (as only Rachel knows where his daughter is being held); then it ends without knowing if Bernard gets his revenge or if Gregg finds them and gets his daughter's location. 

 

I'm wondering if I should work Rachel into the synopsis (but it would add a lot more words), as she is actually the answer to many of your questions, including how Bernard puts pursing the Alliance over the rescue of Gregg's daughter; he demands Gregg call Rachel to town for interrogation, despite that it could cost the life of Gregg's daughter. 

 

I also feel it's necessary to explain Bernard doesn't know where the body is located, because it was found and buried after Bernard killed the man, by a resident looking to protect the person they assumed was the killer (but wasn't). But it sounds quite messy in the synopsis.

 

It's very difficult to condense such a complicated story, which contains a lot of characters. But I'll continue to work on it.


If you can, please check out my mystery/thriller query - http://agentquerycon...e-3#entry312316

And synopsis - http://agentquerycon...mysterythriller/


#4 VitaCoco

VitaCoco

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 859 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 14 September 2015 - 01:53 PM

Ooh, I think I see a way to add more without adding Rachel's name.

But why would Rachel or any other member go alone??

"You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes" (Pooh).


#5 villain_fan

villain_fan

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 93 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUnited Kingdom

Posted 14 September 2015 - 02:24 PM

She goes with other members, but Bernard lures her out alone.


If you can, please check out my mystery/thriller query - http://agentquerycon...e-3#entry312316

And synopsis - http://agentquerycon...mysterythriller/


#6 VitaCoco

VitaCoco

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 859 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 22 September 2015 - 02:05 PM

Okay, I updated my earlier post (#2).  :happy:


"You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes" (Pooh).


#7 villain_fan

villain_fan

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 93 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUnited Kingdom

Posted 23 September 2015 - 05:19 AM

Thank you so much for all your help, Vita!

 

The last thing detective GREGG HUNTER expects when he picks up the phone is a woman claiming her organisation has kidnapped his daughter and are in need of his assistance for her safe return. After racing to his ex-wife's house, Gregg knows this isn't a fluke. His daughter is missing. And his ex-wife has been murdered.

     Forced into a real-life version of Clue, the PI must uncover the secrets of the small town of Blackberry Cove to find the body of a young man who had aspired to join the organisation. Digging deeper into the mysteries of the town and its residents, he meets outdoorsman, BERNARD, who jumps at the opportunity to help him.

     Bernard has information about Gregg's ruthless employers – the Alliance, a secret organisation of assassins. Gregg believes the talkative outdoorsman is only helping him to get answers about the assassin who killed his wife seven years earlier. But when Bernard puts pursuing the Alliance over the rescue of Gregg's daughter, Gregg questions if he can work alongside a man motivated by revenge. After finding one of the Alliance's brutal training facilities buried beneath the town, Gregg discovers that kidnapping young people is how they recruit their members. And that this town is of particular significance to his employers. He no longer trusts the organisation to stick to their word and free his daughter.

     After an attempt to rescue her fails, Gregg realises the Alliance are not to be underestimated when he is sent his daughter's severed finger. Forced to think like an assassin, Gregg gets into the mind of the most troubled residents and uncovers their darkest secrets; most importantly, a loving husband who buried the body of the missing man in the nearby woods. After finding the man's body on his lawn, he suspected his wife of the killing, due to her fear of the man's psychotic behaviour, and so got rid of the evidence to protect her. But after the Alliance arrive with Gregg's daughter to collect the body, the female operative overseeing this mission is overtaken by the real culprit: Bernard. Hot set on getting answers, he murdered the young man. Racing off with the only person who knows his daughter's location, Gregg must pursue Bernard to get her back; it's left unclear if Gregg will save his daughter or if Bernard will get his revenge.


If you can, please check out my mystery/thriller query - http://agentquerycon...e-3#entry312316

And synopsis - http://agentquerycon...mysterythriller/


#8 VitaCoco

VitaCoco

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 859 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 23 September 2015 - 01:53 PM

Thank you so much for all your help, Vita! (Oh, so my suggestion fits? Yay, lol)

 

The last thing detective GREGG HUNTER expects when he picks up (or: answers) the phone is a woman (or: female operative) claiming her organisation has kidnapped his daughter and are is in need of (or: and needs) his assistance for her safe return. After racing to his ex-wife's house, Gregg knows this isn't a fluke. His daughter is missing(Comma) and his ex-wife has been murdered is hanging from the fan in the family room (or whatever to be more descriptive)(Side note: in your query, you made it seem as if his ex wife died later on.)

 

(Add a space between the paragraphs and don't indent) In exchange for his daughter, the PI is forced Forced into a real-life version of Clue(Colon or semi-colon) he the PI must uncover the secrets of the small town of Blackberry Cove to find the body of a young man who had aspired to join the organisation. Digging deeper into the mysteries of the town and its residents, he meets outdoorsman (Maybe replace outdoorsman with something more specific...? I'm just trying to find ways you can make this paragraph different than the one in your query), BERNARD, who jumps at the opportunity to help him.

 

Bernard has information about Gregg's ruthless employers – the Alliance, a secret organisation of assassins. Gregg believes the talkative outdoorsman is only helping him to get answers about the assassin who killed his wife seven years earlier. But when Bernard puts pursuing the Alliance over the rescue of Gregg's daughter, Gregg He questions if he can work alongside a man motivated by revenge. Nothing can get in the way of rescuing his daughter, who is still alive. But after After finding one of the Alliance's brutal training facilities buried beneath the town, Gregg discovers that kidnapping young people is how they recruit their members. And that this town is of particular significance to his employers. He no longer trusts the organisation to stick to their word and free his daughter.

 

After an attempt to rescue her fails, Gregg realises the Alliance are not to be underestimated when he is sent receives a package with his daughter's severed finger. Next time will be her _______. Forced to think like an assassin Putting his grievances aside, Gregg gets into the mind of acquainted with the town's most troubled residents and uncovers their darkest secrets(Comma) one of which being ; most importantly, a loving husband who buried the body of the missing dead man in the nearby woods. After finding the man's stranger's body on his lawn, he the husband suspected his psychotically paranoid(??) wife of the killing, due to her fear of the man's psychotic behaviour, and so he got rid of the evidence to protect her. Knowing the body's whereabouts, Gregg demands for his daughter. But after The Alliance arrive with Gregg's daughter to first collect the body, but the female operative overseeing this mission is overtaken by the real culprit: Bernard. Hot set on getting answers, he murdered the young man to rile up the Alliance. Now he's racing Racing off with the only person who knows will tell Gregg his daughter's location(Period) Out for blood(Comma) Gregg must steals a car and pursues pursue Bernard to get her back; it's left unclear if Gregg will save his daughter or if Bernard will get his revenge.


"You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes" (Pooh).


#9 villain_fan

villain_fan

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 93 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUnited Kingdom

Posted 23 September 2015 - 02:33 PM

Rachel actually doesn't phone him lol, she's waiting at a bar for him when he goes out one night. I just thought it sounded good, but I've altered the synopsis.

 

The last person detective GREGG HUNTER expects to meet at his local bar, is a female operative claiming her organisation has kidnapped his daughter and needs his assistance for her safe return. After racing to his ex-wife's house, Gregg knows this isn't a fluke. His daughter is missing, and he finds his ex-wife's corpse, decapitated.

 

In exchange for his daughter, the PI is forced into a real-life version of Clue; he must uncover the secrets of the small town of Blackberry Cove to find the body of a young man who had aspired to join the organisation. Digging deeper into the mysteries of the town and its residents, he meets nature photographer, BERNARD, who jumps at the opportunity to help him.

 

Bernard has information about Gregg's ruthless employers – the Alliance, a secret organisation of assassins. Gregg believes the talkative outdoorsman is only helping him to get answers about the assassin who killed his wife seven years earlier. He questions if he can work alongside a man motivated by revenge. Nothing can get in the way of rescuing his daughter, who is still alive. Finding one of the Alliance's brutal training facilities buried beneath the town, Gregg discovers that kidnapping young people is how they recruit their members. He no longer trusts the organisation to stick to their word and free his daughter.

 

After an attempt to rescue her fails, Gregg receives a package with his daughter's severed finger. Next time will be her hand. Putting his grievances aside, Gregg gets acquainted with the town's most troubled residents and their darkest secrets, one of which being, a loving husband who buried a dead man in the nearby woods. After finding the stranger's body on his lawn, the husband suspected his paranoid wife of the killing, and so he got rid of the evidence to protect her. Knowing the body's whereabouts, Gregg demands for his daughter. The Alliance arrive to first collect the body, but the female operative overseeing this mission is taken by the real culprit: Bernard. Hot on getting answers, he murdered the young man to rile up the Alliance. Now he's racing off with the only person who will tell Gregg his daughter's location. Out for blood, Gregg steals a car and pursues Bernard.


If you can, please check out my mystery/thriller query - http://agentquerycon...e-3#entry312316

And synopsis - http://agentquerycon...mysterythriller/


#10 JFC12

JFC12

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 35 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 23 September 2015 - 03:32 PM

The last person detective GREGG HUNTER expects to meet at his local bar, is a female operative claiming her organisation has kidnapped his daughter and needs his assistance for her safe return. I'm a bit confused here, why would his daughter's kidnappers need his help to return her? I'm assuming the operative wants Gregg to do something for them, but that's not exactly how this reads. Maybe some clarification is necessary.  After racing to his ex-wife's house, Gregg knows this isn't a fluke. His daughter is missing, and he finds his ex-wife's corpse, decapitated. Consider combining the two previous sentences, like "After the operative leaves, Gregg races across town to find his ex-wife decapitated and his daughter missing." Not a great example, but you get the idea.

 

In exchange for his daughter, the PI say Gregg, since that is how you've lready introduced him. Keep things clear for the reader. If it is necessary that the reader knows he's a P.I., then mention that when you first introduce Greg is forced into a real-life version of Clue; I think comparing Gregg's misfortune to a board game kind of diminishes the intensity of his situation. he must uncover the secrets within the small town of Blackberry Cove to find the body of a young man who had aspired to join the organisation. Digging deeper into the mysteries of the town and its residents, he meets nature photographer, BERNARD, who jumps at the opportunity to help.

 

Bernard has information about Gregg's ruthless employers – the Alliance I would suggest mentioning the organization's name at the onset, keeping everything clear for the reader. a secret organisation of assassins. Gregg believes the talkative outdoorsman is only helping him to get answers about the assassin who killed his wife seven years earlier, and questions if he can work alongside a man motivated by revenge. Nothing can get in the way of rescuing his daughter. Finding one of the Alliance's brutal training facilities buried beneath the town, Gregg discovers that kidnapping young people is how they recruit their members. He no longer trusts the organisation to stick to their word and free his daughter. Not sure why he would trust them in the first place.

 

After an attempt to rescue her fails, Gregg receives a package with his daughter's severed finger. Nice. the finger bit really revved up the tension! Next time will be her hand. Putting his grievances aside, Gregg gets acquainted with the town's most troubled residents and their darkest secrets, one of which being, a loving husband who buried a dead man in the nearby woods. After finding the stranger's body on his lawn, the husband suspected his paranoid wife of the killing, and so he got rid of the evidence to protect her. Knowing the body's whereabouts, Gregg demands for his daughter. The Alliance arrive to first collect the body, but the female operative overseeing this mission is taken by the real culprit: Bernard. Hot on getting answers, he murdered the young man to rile up the Alliance. Now he's racing off with the only person who will tell Gregg his daughter's location. Out for blood, Gregg steals a car and pursues Bernard. Is this how the story ends?

 

I like the premise, but I'm unclear on some of the plot points. Why would the Alliance kidnap his daughter? Why not just pay the guy since he is a P.I.? And why would an organization of assassins care about the disappearance of a single trainee? Why didn't Bernard begin his own investigation? I'm sure all of these points are well detailed in your story, I just think that they need to be explored in the synopsis as well.

 

This synopsis is really headed in the right direction. I read an earlier version and liked this one better, though I still think it can improved to better detail what sounds like a very interesting story.

 

Synopsis



#11 villain_fan

villain_fan

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 93 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUnited Kingdom

Posted 25 September 2015 - 08:19 AM

Thanks a lot for your help JFC, I took the advice that I agreed with and also tried to answer your questions (though I'm not sure how smoothly). And yes, the end of the query is pretty much how the story ends.

 

The last person detective GREGG HUNTER expects to meet at his local bar, is a female operative claiming her organisation has kidnapped his daughter and needs his assistance before her safe return. After racing to his ex-wife's house, Gregg knows this isn't a fluke, when he finds his daughter missing and his ex-wife decapitated.

 

In exchange for his daughter, the PI is forced to accept an assignment he had refused several times, despite the financial incentive, due to it being too far from his family. But now he has a new incentive, and he must uncover the secrets within the small town of Blackberry Cove to find the body of a young man who had aspired to join the organisation. Digging deeper into the mysteries of the town and its residents, he meets nature photographer, BERNARD, who jumps at the opportunity to help.

 

Bernard has information about Gregg's ruthless employers – the Alliance, an organisation of assassins; every member is marked by the tattoo of an A, thus why it's so vital the Alliance cover their tracks and find the body, as well as know their enemies. Gregg believes the talkative outdoorsman is only helping him to get answers about the assassin who killed his wife seven years earlier, and questions if he can work alongside a man motivated by revenge. Nothing can get in the way of rescuing his daughter. Finding one of the Alliance's brutal training facilities buried beneath the town, Gregg discovers that kidnapping young people is how they recruit their members. He no longer trusts the organisation to stick to their word and free his daughter.

 

After an attempt to rescue her fails, Gregg receives a package with his daughter's severed finger. Next time will be her hand. Putting his grievances aside, Gregg gets acquainted with the town's most troubled residents and their darkest secrets, one of which being, a loving husband who buried a dead man in the nearby woods. After finding the stranger's body on his lawn, the husband suspected his paranoid wife of the killing, and so he got rid of the evidence to protect her. Knowing the body's whereabouts, Gregg demands for his daughter. The Alliance arrive to first collect the body, but the female operative overseeing this mission is taken by the real culprit: Bernard. Hot on getting answers, he murdered the young man to rile up the Alliance. Now he's racing off with the only person who will tell Gregg his daughter's location. Out for blood, Gregg steals a car and pursues Bernard.


If you can, please check out my mystery/thriller query - http://agentquerycon...e-3#entry312316

And synopsis - http://agentquerycon...mysterythriller/


#12 VitaCoco

VitaCoco

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 859 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 03 October 2015 - 12:02 PM

Hey hey  :biggrin:

 

 

Thanks a lot for your help JFC, I took the advice that I agreed with and also tried to answer your questions (though I'm not sure how smoothly). And yes, the end of the query is pretty much how the story ends.

 

The last person detective GREGG HUNTER expects to meet at his local bar(No comma needed) is a female operative claiming her organisation has kidnapped his daughter and needs his assistance before her safe return to secure his assistance in a murder mystery. After racing to his ex-wife's house, Gregg knows this isn't a fluke, when he after he races to his ex-wife's house and finds his daughter missing and his ex-wife decapitated.

 

In exchange for his daughter, the PI is forced to accept an a high-price assignment he had previously refused several times, despite the financial incentive, due to it being too far from his family. But now he has a new incentive, and he must uncover the secrets within the small town of Blackberry Cove to find the body of a young man who had aspired to join the organisation. Digging deeper into the mysteries of the town and its residents, he meets nature photographer, BERNARD, who jumps at the opportunity to help.

 

Bernard has information about Gregg's ruthless employers – the Alliance, an organisation of assassins; every member is marked by the tattoo of an A, thus why it's so vital the Alliance cover their tracks and find the body, as well as know their enemies. Gregg believes the talkative outdoorsman is only helping him to get answers about the assassin who killed his wife seven years earlier, and he questions if he can work alongside a man motivated by revenge. Nothing can get in the way of rescuing his daughter. After (doing something else with the residents), Gregg comes across Finding one of the Alliance's brutal training facilities buried beneath the town, leading him Gregg to an unnerving discovery(colon) discovers that kidnapping young people is how they recruit their members. He Gregg no longer trusts the organisation to stick to their word and free his daughter.

 

(Try to avoid using "After" too many times) After an attempt to rescue her fails, Gregg His rescue attempt fails, and Alliance sends Gregg receives a package with his daughter's severed finger. Next time will be her hand. Putting his grievances aside, Gregg gets acquainted with the town's most troubled residents and their darkest secrets, one of which being such as(No comma) a loving husband who buried a dead man in the nearby woods. After finding the stranger's body on his lawn, the husband suspected his paranoid wife of the spontaneous killing(No comma) and so he got rid of the evidence to protect her. Knowing the body's whereabouts, Gregg demands for his daughter. The Alliance arrive to first collect the body, but the female operative overseeing this mission is taken by the real culprit: Bernard. Hot on getting answers, he murdered the young man to rile up the Alliance. Now he's racing off with the only person who will tell Gregg his daughter's location. Out for blood, Gregg steals a car and pursues Bernard.


"You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes" (Pooh).


#13 villain_fan

villain_fan

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 93 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUnited Kingdom

Posted 05 October 2015 - 07:40 AM

Thanks Vita. I don't know where my query or synopsis would be without you :P I inserted two possible sentences and maybe I could get some feedback on which (if any) works best.

 

The last person detective GREGG HUNTER expects to meet at his local bar is a female operative claiming her organisation has kidnapped his daughter to secure his assistance in a murder mystery. Gregg knows this isn't a fluke, after he races to his ex-wife's house and finds his daughter missing and his ex-wife decapitated.

 

In exchange for his daughter, the PI is forced to accept a high-price assignment he previously refused, due to it being too far from his family. But now he must uncover the secrets within the small town of Blackberry Cove to find the body of a young man who had aspired to join the organisation. Digging deeper into the mysteries of the town and its residents, he meets nature photographer, BERNARD, who jumps at the opportunity to help.

 

Bernard has information about Gregg's ruthless employers – the Alliance, an organisation of assassins. Gregg believes the talkative outdoorsman is only helping him to get answers about the assassin who killed his wife seven years earlier, and he questions if he can work alongside a man motivated by revenge. Nothing can get in the way of rescuing his daughter. After inspecting the basement where the missing man murdered the town's First Lady with a chainsaw, on the night of his disappearance, Gregg comes across... or Coming clean about his employers to a local town girl he has come close with - who also happened to be the ex-girlfriend of the missing man - Gregg accepts her help and comes across one of the Alliance's brutal training facilities buried beneath the town. This leads him to an unnerving discovery: kidnapping young people is how they recruit their members. Gregg no longer trusts the organisation to stick to their word and free his daughter.

 

His rescue attempt fails, and the Alliance sends a package with his daughter's severed finger. Next time will be her hand. Putting his grievances aside, Gregg gets acquainted with the town's most troubled residents and their darkest secrets, including: a loving husband who buried a dead man in the nearby woods. After finding the stranger's body on his lawn, the husband suspected his paranoid wife of the spontaneous killing and so he got rid of the evidence to protect her. Knowing the body's whereabouts, Gregg demands for his daughter. The Alliance arrive to first collect the body, but the female operative overseeing this mission is taken by the real culprit: Bernard. Hot on getting answers, he murdered the young man to rile up the Alliance. Now he's racing off with the only person who will tell Gregg his daughter's location. Out for blood, Gregg steals a car and pursues Bernard.


If you can, please check out my mystery/thriller query - http://agentquerycon...e-3#entry312316

And synopsis - http://agentquerycon...mysterythriller/


#14 VitaCoco

VitaCoco

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 859 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 05 October 2015 - 10:44 AM

Thanks Vita. I don't know where my query or synopsis would be without you :P I inserted two possible sentences and maybe I could get some feedback on which (if any) works best.

 

The last person detective GREGG HUNTER expects to meet at his local bar is a female operative claiming her organisation has kidnapped his daughter to secure his assistance in a murder mystery. Gregg knows this isn't a fluke(No comma) after he races to his ex-wife's house and finds his daughter missing and his ex-wife decapitated.

 

In exchange for his daughter, the PI is forced to accept a high-price assignment he previously refused, due to it being too far from his family. But now he must uncover the secrets within the small town of Blackberry Cove to find the body of a young man who had aspired to join the organisation. Digging deeper into the mysteries of the town and its residents, he meets nature photographer, BERNARD, who jumps at the opportunity to help.

 

Bernard has information about Gregg's ruthless employers – the Alliance, an organisation of assassins. Gregg believes the talkative outdoorsman is only helping him to get answers about the assassin who killed his wife seven years earlier, and he questions if he can work alongside a man motivated by revenge. Nothing can get in the way of rescuing his daughter. After inspecting the basement where the missing dead man supposedly (or: had) murdered the town's First Lady sawed his assigned target in half before disappearing(Comma) with a chainsaw, on the night of his disappearance, Gregg comes across one of the Alliance's brutal training facilities buried beneath the town. This leads him to an unnerving discovery: kidnapping young people is how they recruit their members. (Did they kidnap a family member of the dead man's??) Gregg no longer trusts the organisation to stick to their word and free his daughter.

 

His (adjective??) rescue attempt fails, and the Alliance sends a package with his daughter's severed finger. Next time will be her hand. Putting his grievances aside, Gregg gets acquainted with the town's most troubled residents and their darkest secrets, including: (Don't use colons too frequently)(Period) One such secret involves a loving husband who buried a dead man in the nearby woods. After finding the stranger's body on his lawn, the husband suspected his paranoid wife of the spontaneous killing and so he got rid of the evidence to protect her. Knowing the body's whereabouts, Gregg demands for his daughter. The Alliance arrive to first collect the body, but the female operative overseeing this the mission is taken by the real culprit: Bernard. Hot on getting answers, he murdered the young man to rile up the Alliance. Now he's racing off with the only person who will tell Gregg his daughter's location. Out for blood, Gregg steals a car and pursues Bernard.

 

 

Aw, thank you! I really love your story, so I want to help in any way I can.  :biggrin:  :cool:


"You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes" (Pooh).


#15 RSMellette

RSMellette

    I Have Many Skills.

  • Group Moderator
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,373 posts
  • Literary Status:published, in-between agents
  • LocationUS Southwest
  • Publishing Experience:The Xena Scrolls on-line and episode TV credit. I worked on the show for the first two years.
    Billy Bobble Makes A Magic Wand, Dec. 2014 Elephant's Bookshelf Press

Posted 05 October 2015 - 07:52 PM

Okay, I haven't read any of the query letters, but I thought you should know my thought just based on seeing your title.

 

"Blackberry Cove? Is that where they keep all of the Blackberries no one buys anymore?"

 

Stupid, I know - but it's an honest reaction.


From Elephant's Bookshelf Press

 

51xExIpByyL._SS140_SH35_.jpg51n1zBAR2vL._SS140_SH35_.jpg

by R.S. Mellette

"WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about how I felt reading this book - WOW. I was so pleasantly surprised - oh, let's be honest, it was more like blown away!" -- Holy B. In NC, Amazon Review.


#16 villain_fan

villain_fan

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 93 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUnited Kingdom

Posted 06 October 2015 - 08:26 AM

Okay, I haven't read any of the query letters, but I thought you should know my thought just based on seeing your title.

 

"Blackberry Cove? Is that where they keep all of the Blackberries no one buys anymore?"

 

Stupid, I know - but it's an honest reaction.

 

Interesting. I'll try and look for more feedback on the title and see if other people also feel it doesn't work. Thank you.


If you can, please check out my mystery/thriller query - http://agentquerycon...e-3#entry312316

And synopsis - http://agentquerycon...mysterythriller/


#17 villain_fan

villain_fan

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 93 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUnited Kingdom

Posted 06 October 2015 - 08:30 AM

Latest version, hopefully it's getting closer.

 

The last person detective GREGG HUNTER expects to meet at his local bar is a female operative claiming her organisation has kidnapped his daughter to secure his assistance in a murder mystery. Gregg knows this isn't a fluke after he races to his ex-wife's house and finds his daughter missing and his ex-wife decapitated.

 

In exchange for his daughter, the PI is forced to accept a high-price assignment he previously refused, due to it being too far from his family. But now he must uncover the secrets within the small town of Blackberry Cove to find the body of a young man who had aspired to join the organisation. Digging deeper into the mysteries of the town and its residents, he meets nature photographer, BERNARD, who jumps at the opportunity to help.

 

Bernard has information about Gregg's ruthless employers – the Alliance, an organisation of assassins. Gregg believes the talkative outdoorsman is only helping him to get answers about the assassin who killed his wife seven years earlier, and he questions if he can work alongside a man motivated by revenge. Nothing can get in the way of rescuing his daughter. After inspecting the basement where the missing dead man had sawed his assigned target in half before disappearing, Gregg comes across one of the Alliance's brutal training facilities buried beneath the town. This leads him to an unnerving discovery: kidnapping young people is how they recruit their members. Gregg no longer trusts the organisation to stick to their word and free his daughter.

 

His bold rescue attempt fails, and the Alliance sends a package with his daughter's severed finger. Next time will be her hand. Putting his grievances aside, Gregg gets acquainted with the town's most troubled residents and their darkest secrets. Once such secret involves a loving husband who buried a dead man in the nearby woods. After finding the stranger's body on his lawn, the husband suspected his paranoid wife of the spontaneous killing and got rid of the evidence to protect her. Knowing the body's whereabouts, Gregg demands for his daughter. The Alliance arrive to first collect the body, but the female operative overseeing the mission is taken by the real culprit: Bernard. Hot on getting answers, he murdered the young man to rile up the Alliance. Now he's racing off with the only person who will tell Gregg his daughter's location. Out for blood, Gregg steals a car and pursues Bernard.


If you can, please check out my mystery/thriller query - http://agentquerycon...e-3#entry312316

And synopsis - http://agentquerycon...mysterythriller/


#18 Cez

Cez

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 225 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationAfrica
  • Publishing Experience:Queried and querying.

Posted 07 October 2015 - 02:26 PM

Latest version, hopefully it's getting closer.

 

The last person detective GREGG HUNTER expects to meet at his local bar is a female operative claiming her organisation has kidnapped his daughter to secure his assistance in a murder mystery Breath! (panting) This is a very long sentence, especially to begin with. Can we have a comma please, a period, anything. Gregg knows this isn't a fluke after he races to his ex-wife's house and finds his daughter missing and his ex-wife decapitated. So I'm missing the hook here. the short punchline to draw us in. The first bit is interesting, but too long.

 

In exchange for his daughter, the PI is forced to accept a high-price assignment he previously refused, due to it being too far from his family. But now he must uncover the secrets within the small town of Blackberry Cove to find the body of a young man who had aspired to join the organisation little confused. What organisation? the ones that kidnapped his daughter, are they the good guys?. Digging deeper into the mysteries of the town and its residents, he meets nature photographer, BERNARD, who jumps at the opportunity to help.

 

Bernard has information about Gregg's ruthless employers – the Alliance, an organisation of assassins.all right, here we get more info, but i think you should put it sooner.  Gregg believes the talkative outdoorsman is only helping him to get answers about the assassin who killed his wife seven years earlier, and he questions if he can work alongside a man motivated by revenge. Nothing can get in the way of rescuing his daughter. After inspecting the basement where the missing dead man had sawed his assigned target in half before disappearing, Gregg comes across one of the Alliance's brutal training facilities buried beneath the town. This leads him to an unnerving discovery: kidnapping young people is how they recruit their members. Gregg no longer trusts the organisation to stick to their word and free his daughter. Great tension here. I'm getting goosebumps.

 

His bold rescue attempt fails, and the Alliance sends a package with his daughter's severed finger forget the goosebumps, I think I just paled. Do I look paler to you?. Next time will be her hand. Putting his grievances aside, Gregg gets acquainted with the town's most troubled residents and their darkest secrets. Once such secret involves a loving husband who buried a dead man in the nearby woods. After finding the stranger's body on his lawn, the husband suspected his paranoid wife of the spontaneous killing and got rid of the evidence to protect her. Knowing the body's whereabouts, Gregg demands for his daughter. The Alliance arrive to first collect the body, but the female operative overseeing the mission is taken by the real culprit: Bernard. Hot on getting answers, he murdered the young man to rile up the Alliance. Now he's racing off with the only person who will tell Gregg his daughter's location. Out for blood, Gregg steals a car and pursues Bernard.This sounds very very exciting, but too messy. You need to clarify and condense. Introduce the company earlier, I'm still not sure what they're trying to do, or who this dead man is, or why he's important.

Lost of luck on revising.



#19 brandonyoung

brandonyoung

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 293 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationAustralia/New Zealand

Posted 01 November 2015 - 06:03 AM

The last person detective GREGG HUNTER expects to meet at his local bar is a female operative claiming her organisation has kidnapped his daughter to secure his assistance in a murder mystery. Gregg knows this isn't a fluke after he races to his ex-wife's house and finds his daughter missing and his ex-wife decapitated.

 

- The first sentence is too long, too complex. Any way you could simplify it?

- These two sentences both encompass the same idea. Could you, perhaps, just leave out the local bar and start the synopsis with Gregg coming home from a long day, only to find his ex-wife dead and his daughter missing?

 

In exchange for his daughter, the PI is forced to accept a high-price assignment he previously refused, due to it being too far from his family. But now he must uncover the secrets within the small town of Blackberry Cove to find the body of a young man who had aspired to join the organisation. Digging deeper into the mysteries of the town and its residents, he meets nature photographer, BERNARD, who jumps at the opportunity to help.

 

- So Gregg's own organisation is doing this because he didn't accept an assignment. Sounds odd, but we'll see what happens.

- Why is Bernard so eager? So he can snap some cool photos? Maybe make that clearer.

 

Bernard has information about Gregg's ruthless employers – the Alliance, an organisation of assassins. Gregg believes the talkative outdoorsman is only helping him to get answers about the assassin who killed his wife seven years earlier, and he questions if he can work alongside a man motivated by revenge. Nothing can get in the way of rescuing his daughter. After inspecting the basement where the missing dead man had sawed his assigned target in half before disappearing, Gregg comes across one of the Alliance's brutal training facilities buried beneath the town. This leads him to an unnerving discovery: kidnapping young people is how they recruit their members. Gregg no longer trusts the organisation to stick to their word and free his daughter.

 

- How does Bernard have this information? He's just a photographer, isn't he?

- You've got some long, tiring sentences; I've marked them.

 

His bold rescue attempt fails, and the Alliance sends a package with his daughter's severed finger. Next time will be her hand. Good work setting up a ticking time bomb scenario. Putting his grievances aside, Gregg gets acquainted with the town's most troubled residents and their darkest secrets. Once such secret involves a loving husband who buried a dead man in the nearby woods. After finding the stranger's body on his lawn, the husband suspected his paranoid wife of the spontaneous killing and got rid of the evidence to protect her. Knowing the body's whereabouts, Gregg demands for his daughter. The Alliance arrive to first collect the body, but the female operative overseeing the mission is taken by the real culprit: Bernard. Hot on getting answers, he murdered the young man to rile up the Alliance. Now he's racing off with the only person who will tell Gregg his daughter's location. Out for blood, Gregg steals a car and pursues Bernard.

 

This is the end of the story? Sounds like we're just reaching the climax.


I'm not currently in need of query letter revisions, but I am looking for some amazing beta readers. If you're interested in reading a very short standalone YA fantasy which is heavy on character, crying moments, and not so much on epic scopes and war, shoot me a DM and I'd love to lend you a copy. I'm also open to reading your novels in exchange!


#20 villain_fan

villain_fan

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 93 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUnited Kingdom

Posted 17 November 2015 - 09:23 AM

Thank you so much for your feedback Cez and Brandon, I've tried to work on it but struggled. You both seemed confused by mention of the organisation (Alliance), asking if they were the good guys or if Gregg worked for them. But I don't know how to make it clearer than how the first sentence of the synopsis explains it. Also, the novel ends on a cliffhanger, so I don't know how to make the end more conclusive.

 

The last person detective GREGG HUNTER expects to meet at his local bar is a female operative, claiming that her organisation has kidnapped his daughter to secure his assistance in a murder mystery. Gregg knows this isn't a fluke after he races to his ex-wife's house and finds his daughter missing and his ex-wife dead, executed by a P226 9mm to the head.

 

In exchange for his daughter, the PI is forced to accept a high-price assignment he previously refused, due to it being too far from his family. But now he must uncover the secrets within the small town of Blackberry Cove to find the body of a young man who had aspired to join the organisation. Digging deeper into the mysteries of the town and its residents, Gregg meets a man who has history with the organisation which hired him - nature photographer, BERNARD, who jumps at the opportunity to help.

 

Bernard has information about Gregg's ruthless employers – the Alliance, an organisation of assassins. Believing the talkative outdoorsman is only helping to get answers about the assassin who killed his wife seven years earlier, Gregg questions if he can work alongside a man motivated by revenge. Nothing can get in the way of rescuing his daughter. After inspecting the basement where the missing dead man had sawed his assigned target in half before disappearing, Gregg comes across one of the Alliance's brutal training facilities buried beneath the town. This leads him to an unnerving discovery: kidnapping young people is how they recruit their members. Gregg no longer trusts the organisation to stick to their word and free his daughter.

 

His bold rescue attempt fails, and the Alliance sends a package with his daughter's severed finger. Next time will be her hand. Putting his grievances aside, Gregg gets acquainted with the town's most troubled residents and their darkest secrets. Once such secret involves a loving husband who buried a dead man in the nearby woods. After finding the stranger's body on his lawn, the husband suspected his paranoid wife of the spontaneous killing and got rid of the evidence to protect her. Knowing the body's whereabouts, Gregg demands for his daughter. The Alliance arrive to first collect the body, but the female operative overseeing the mission is taken by the real culprit: Bernard. Hot on getting answers, he murdered the young man to rile up the Alliance. Now he's racing off with the only person who will tell Gregg his daughter's location. Out for blood, Gregg steals a car and pursues Bernard.


If you can, please check out my mystery/thriller query - http://agentquerycon...e-3#entry312316

And synopsis - http://agentquerycon...mysterythriller/





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users