Here's a new version drawing on rose77's great suggestions. Note that I've left out the completed author bio and personalization parts so folks can focus on the rest. Memoir is treated like fiction, so you don't have to be a memoirist to comment. I'd be interested in any comments to help improve the query, as well as any thoughts about whether I should reveal the secret mentioned in the third paragraph. i'm okay without the reveal Thanks in advance for any comments you might share. I greatly appreciate it, and I will pay it forward!
Faced with racist war cries <from who? i think i remember this phrase from an earlier version, in the context of your childhood? not sure it's as effective without that context and lost job opportunities, I struggled to follow my Native American culture and spirituality. The one thing I never expected was that doing so could land me in prison. Solid opening! That first bit with the war cries just gave me an image of people randomly screaming at you, which could be the intended thing? I'm left wondering who these people are. What if it was just- Faced with blatant/glaring/outright racism and lost job opps..As a child growing up in Las Vegas, I was surrounded by gangs, drugs, and drive by shootings. My mother was soon forced to take me and flee when my stepfather transformed <so this is also the title of your book, yes? I thought the transformation was yours, not stepfather's? Both? If the title points to both you and stepfather transforming, maybe relate/parallel the two somehow.. otherwise, keep this verb for you and your closing paragraph. Your stepdad can morph/change/become into a drug-abusing adulterer and stalker. When
my stepfatherhe came after me <with what intention? or with what object? late one night, high and out of control, it seemed like not even the police outside the door could save me. This is a very strong image- can it be more vivid? I don't know the specifics of this incident of course, i just threw some drama in as a tryAfter losing my stepfather, the only father I'd ever known, I yearned to reconnect with my birth? father and to become an enrolled member of my tribe. Only that would enable me to legally participate in Lakota? ceremonies and keep the eagle feathers with which I prayed. But after a chance reunion in Las Vegas, I returned home to a letter <from who? that revealed a startling family secret that would cost me my family, change my ethnic identity, and put me at risk of imprisonment for following my faith.Complete at 94,000 words, TRANSFORMATION is a story about resilience, family, and identity. It is a story that reveals how we not only survive unexpected life changes but emerge from them utterly transformed by the that find us all. It will appeal to readers who loved the haunting candor of The Other Side and the moving triumph of The Glass Castle. emerge/from only because you have the transform/life changes thing going on that reminded me of butterflies? but perhaps that's too image-y
Really seems like it's getting there! I can definitely hear more of your voice coming through.