Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

The Comfort Ban (an MG urban fantasy) Better revision? Post #55


  • Please log in to reply
58 replies to this topic

#1 Spaulding

Spaulding

    Frumpy Old Newbie

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 178 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Nothing but a couple of nonfiction articles ages ago.

Posted 05 November 2015 - 02:23 PM

(I'm looking for help with "hookyness" and mechanics, so feel free to tear away. Also, yes! This really is aimed at one particular agent, but I know, if I don't get her, I'll have to make the first two sentences specific to other agents.)

 

Sometimes dystopia isn't disaster for everyone, but solely for the ones overlooked. Because you represented Ransom Riggs' series, I believe you know the difference. THE COMFORT BAN is an MG urban fantasy about how an insignificant group of Americans -- stuffed animals -- is tossed out to help bring our country back from the brink of financial collapse.

 

Spaulding, a nine-year-old teddy bear, falls asleep in the loving arms of the girl he calls Mom. When he wakes in a trash bag full of his family's mementos and breaks out onto an unfamiliar Philadelphia street, he needs to find home. Teddy T. Bear, a whole year older, tries to teach him how to live a free life, but that lands them in a dumpster. Four-year-old Phillies Bear rescues them and brings them back to the park where a group of stuffies is gathering. If he can survive dogs and rats, avoid the dreaded dump, resolve how easily humans tossed them all away, and handle how even some of his own kind detests inexpensive stuffies, maybe he will find home.

 

The Comfort Ban is 47,000 words with potential for a series.


Edited by Spaulding, 15 August 2017 - 03:34 AM.

If I helped you, please critique my query -- The Comfort Ban.

Or the synopsis. (If you're in a particularly cheery mood, I'll accept a crit for both. Better yet, if you're in a foul mood, take it out on both.  :wink: )


#2 KirkDJohnston

KirkDJohnston

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 69 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationEurope
  • Publishing Experience:None

Posted 05 November 2015 - 02:43 PM

(I'm looking for help with "hookyness" and mechanics, so feel free to tear away. Also, yes! This really is aimed at one particular agent, but I know, if I don't get her, I'll have to make the first two sentences specific to other agents.)

 

Sometimes dystopia isn't disaster for everyone, but solely for the ones overlooked. Because you represented Ransom Riggs' series, I believe you know the difference. THE COMFORT BAN is an MG urban fantasy about how an insignificant group of Americans -- stuffed animals -- is tossed out to help bring our country back from the brink of financial collapse.

 

Spaulding, a nine-year-old teddy bear, falls asleep in the loving arms of the girl he calls Mom. When he wakes in a trash bag full of his family's mementos and breaks out onto an unfamiliar Philadelphia street, he needs to find home. Teddy T. Bear, a whole year older, tries to teach him how to live a free life, but that lands them in a dumpster. Four-year-old Phillies Bear rescues them and brings them back to the park where a group of stuffies is gathering. If he can survive dogs and rats, avoid the dreaded dump, resolve how easily humans tossed them all away, and handle how even some of his own kind detests inexpensive stuffies, maybe he will find home.

 

The Comfort Ban is 47,000 words with potential for a series.

Another cool premise for a story.

 

I don't quite get the first part "Sometimes dystopia isn't disaster for everyone, but solely for the ones overlooked. Because you represented Ransom Riggs' series, I believe you know the difference." but I guess that's going to mean more to the agent than me.

 

I like the rest though. Simple, sweet (or maybe not so sweet), and compelling.



#3 Spaulding

Spaulding

    Frumpy Old Newbie

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 178 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Nothing but a couple of nonfiction articles ages ago.

Posted 05 November 2015 - 02:54 PM

Ransom Riggs is an author/scriptwriter. (I should have mentioned that, since he's name sounds like a type of a truck.) He is on the third book of a trilogy about "peculiar" children and uses real odd photos in the book to show the characters. One character has a beehive in his mouth. Another usually wears lead shoes or she'll float away. (Her photo is on the cover of the book.) And the head of this group is Mrs. Peregrine is able to loop time to protect this group of kids. They live in a time loop on a certain day of World War II, but the book is set in modern day. To them, it's dystopian, because they don't fit into our world as themselves. Thus the reference.


If I helped you, please critique my query -- The Comfort Ban.

Or the synopsis. (If you're in a particularly cheery mood, I'll accept a crit for both. Better yet, if you're in a foul mood, take it out on both.  :wink: )


#4 jubline

jubline

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 40 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUnited Kingdom

Posted 06 November 2015 - 08:43 AM

I think this sounds like a lovely story.

 

You mention in the first paragraph that the stuffed toys are tossed out to help bring the country back from the brink of financial collapse, but the rest of the query doesn't mention that. Perhaps a few more words about WHY tossing these poor creatures out onto the streets will help the US out of financial ruin.

 

the other part I'm not sure of is: 'resolve how easily humans tossed them all away'. Resolve suggests that there is a resolution to being tossed away. Perhaps he needs to 'come to terms with how easily humans tossed them all away'? or perhaps 'solve the mystery of how (or why) humans tossed them all away so easily'?

 

I really like the rest of the query. The story sounds like Toy Story meets Chuckie (except not so nasty as Chuckie) :)



#5 Spaulding

Spaulding

    Frumpy Old Newbie

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 178 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Nothing but a couple of nonfiction articles ages ago.

Posted 06 November 2015 - 11:06 AM

I think this sounds like a lovely story.

 

You mention in the first paragraph that the stuffed toys are tossed out to help bring the country back from the brink of financial collapse, but the rest of the query doesn't mention that. Perhaps a few more words about WHY tossing these poor creatures out onto the streets will help the US out of financial ruin.

 

the other part I'm not sure of is: 'resolve how easily humans tossed them all away'. Resolve suggests that there is a resolution to being tossed away. Perhaps he needs to 'come to terms with how easily humans tossed them all away'? or perhaps 'solve the mystery of how (or why) humans tossed them all away so easily'?

 

I really like the rest of the query. The story sounds like Toy Story meets Chuckie (except not so nasty as Chuckie) :)

More Toy Story meets Watership Down. Watership Down is about cute and cuddly rabbits, but they bite to draw blood. lol


If I helped you, please critique my query -- The Comfort Ban.

Or the synopsis. (If you're in a particularly cheery mood, I'll accept a crit for both. Better yet, if you're in a foul mood, take it out on both.  :wink: )


#6 kljacks

kljacks

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 53 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 06 November 2015 - 11:42 PM

I am new to querying as well, so take my advice with a grain of salt. :)

(I'm looking for help with "hookyness" and mechanics, so feel free to tear away. Also, yes! This really is aimed at one particular agent, but I know, if I don't get her, I'll have to make the first two sentences specific to other agents.)

 

Sometimes dystopia isn't disaster for everyone, but solely for the ones overlooked. (This part hooked me even though I didn't fully understand it.  However, I read your post explaining it, so it makes more sense to me now, even though not completely, lol) Because you represented Ransom Riggs' series, I believe you know the difference. (I do like how you've included something specific to the agent in your hook, though.  That's a pretty good idea!) THE COMFORT BAN is an MG urban fantasy about how an insignificant group of Americans -- stuffed animals -- (I really like this as a hook.) is tossed out to help bring our country back from the brink of financial collapse. (This last part of the sentence I don't get too much, though.  How would tossing a group of stuffed animals out help the country?)

 

Spaulding, a nine-year-old teddy bear, falls asleep in the loving arms of the girl he calls Mom. (Good description.) When he wakes in a trash bag full of his family's mementos and breaks out onto an unfamiliar Philadelphia street, he needs to find home. Teddy T. Bear, a whole year older, tries to teach him how to live a free life, but that lands them in a dumpster. Four-year-old Phillies Bear rescues them and brings them back to the park (Were they at the park before?  "Brings them back" implies that they were.) where a group of stuffies (I like this nickname!  I always feel that nicknames make stories more believable.) is gathering. If he can survive dogs and rats, avoid the dreaded dump, resolve how easily humans tossed them all away, and handle how even some of his own kind detests inexpensive stuffies, maybe he will find home.  (I think your last sentence should set the stakes a little higher.  "Maybe he will find home" doesn't get me wanting to read more.  I know you hinted at this a bit, but I would expand on why the humans so easily tossed away their beloved animals.  Does it have something to do with helping the financial situation of the country?)

 

The Comfort Ban is 47,000 words with potential for a series.

I really like the idea of this book!  I haven't seen too many stories (and I certainly haven't read any books recently) where the main characters are stuffed animals.  I think it would be interesting to dive into a whole new world that hasn't been done too many times before.  Good job on the query, and keep at it! :)



#7 Spaulding

Spaulding

    Frumpy Old Newbie

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 178 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Nothing but a couple of nonfiction articles ages ago.

Posted 07 November 2015 - 04:35 AM

Revision Two --

 

Sometimes dystopia isn't disaster for everyone, but solely for the ones overlooked. Because you represented Ransom Riggs' series, I believe you know the difference. THE COMFORT BAN is an MG urban fantasy about how an insignificant group of Americans -- stuffed animals -- is tossed out as a tiny part of a much larger law to help bring our country back from the brink of financial collapse.

 

Spaulding, a nine-year-old teddy bear, falls asleep in the loving arms of the girl he calls Mom. When he wakes in a trash bag full of his family's mementos and breaks out onto an unfamiliar Philadelphia street, he needs to find home. Teddy T. Bear, a whole year older, tries to teach him how to live a free life, but that lands them in a dumpster. Four-year-old Phillies Bear rescues them and brings them to the park where a group of stuffies is gathering. If Spaulding can survive dogs and rats, avoid the dreaded dump, grasp how easily humans threw them all away, and handle how even some of his own kind detests inexpensive stuffies, maybe he will find the loving security of home again.

 

The Comfort Ban is 47,000 words with potential for a series.


If I helped you, please critique my query -- The Comfort Ban.

Or the synopsis. (If you're in a particularly cheery mood, I'll accept a crit for both. Better yet, if you're in a foul mood, take it out on both.  :wink: )


#8 waxesnostalgic

waxesnostalgic

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 235 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS South

Posted 07 November 2015 - 06:02 PM

Revision Two --

 

Sometimes dystopia isn't disaster for everyone, but solely for the ones overlooked. Because you represented Ransom Riggs' series, I believe you know the difference. THE COMFORT BAN is an MG urban fantasy about how an insignificant group of Americans -- stuffed animals -- is tossed out as a tiny part of a much larger law to help bring our country back from the brink of financial collapse. (This still doesn't make much sense. What would be the connection between financial collapse and children's toys? Your hook is intriguing, but it doesn't play out in the rest of the query, which describes a teddy bear's search for home and belonging. Try starting with Spaulding, instead of the themes of your book. Your themes seem like they'll interest adults, but an average MG reader isn't going to care about them, just the plot. And the agent is wanting to see if your book will interest MG readers, not that it has wider themes. )

 

Spaulding, a nine-year-old teddy bear, falls asleep in the loving arms of the girl he calls Mom. When he wakes in a trash bag full of his family's mementos and breaks out onto an unfamiliar Philadelphia street, he needs to find home. (These sentences are much better) Teddy T. Bear, a whole year older, a new friend? tries to teach him how to live a free life, on his own, but that lands them in a dumpster. Four-year-old Phillies Bear rescues them and brings them to the park where a group of stuffies is gathering. If Spaulding can survive dogs and rats, avoid the dreaded dump, grasp how easily humans threw them all away, and handle how even some of his own kind detests inexpensive stuffies, maybe he will find the loving security of home again. (Your stakes here are too vague. Try looking at Janet Reid's questions to ask when writing a query. You've got he first two down "Who is the main character?/What does he want?" but you haven't touched much on "What is keeping him from getting what he wants? and What must he sacrifice to get what he wants?." Agents want to know what's at stake)

 

The Comfort Ban is 47,000 words with potential for a series.

This does sound really interesting. I thought my stuffed animals were people when I was a kid, so I'm sure it will resonate with those kind of kids. :)



#9 Spaulding

Spaulding

    Frumpy Old Newbie

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 178 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Nothing but a couple of nonfiction articles ages ago.

Posted 07 November 2015 - 06:46 PM

This does sound really interesting. I thought my stuffed animals were people when I was a kid, so I'm sure it will resonate with those kind of kids. :)

You're touching on my predicament. I really have shown what's stopping him (that law), but if I go too hard on the economy and the law, then who in their right mind would want such a book for Middle Graders? The law is the cause. The characters are fairly naive when it comes to that law, so they're just trying to survive. The effect. Also the story.

 

This is stand-alone, but it's also the first of a hexology/series, where, if it can keep going, these stuffies take their plight to Capitol Hill. BUT, I'm not selling the series. I'm working on this novel alone.

 

This is all about Spaulding trying to find home. The ending is he figures out these stuffies are his family and home now. 

 

Does it help to know the explanation of the law is covered in the first ten pages, which is how much this agent wants along with the query? Or doesn't that matter? (I don't know. I'm new to this querying stuff.  :unsure: )

 

Oh, and yes! Kids know stuffies are alive. It's adults who forgot sometimes.  :smile:


If I helped you, please critique my query -- The Comfort Ban.

Or the synopsis. (If you're in a particularly cheery mood, I'll accept a crit for both. Better yet, if you're in a foul mood, take it out on both.  :wink: )


#10 KellyK

KellyK

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 30 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Southwest

Posted 08 November 2015 - 03:23 PM

Revision Two --

 

Sometimes dystopia isn't disaster for everyone, but solely for the ones overlooked. Because you represented Ransom Riggs' series, I believe you know the difference. THE COMFORT BAN is an MG urban fantasy about how an insignificant group of Americans -- stuffed animals -- is tossed out as a tiny part of a much larger law to help bring our country back from the brink of financial collapse. [I'm confused by the dystopia hook...most agent interviews I've been reading for 2015 indicate they don't want a dystopia, which is fine for you because based on the query below, it doesn't sound like a dystopia. Also, starting the query with the genre and snippet of vague plot description =/= enticing. Start with the hook below and drop this paragraph to the end]

 

Spaulding, a nine-year-old teddy bear, falls asleep in the loving arms of the girl he calls Mom. [this isn't particularly exciting, but the next sentence is fantastic--try to mesh the two together to contrast Spaulding's happy life and horrible next morning for a really gripping hook] When he wakes in a trash bag full of his family's mementos and breaks out onto an unfamiliar Philadelphia street, he needs is desperate to find his way home. Teddy T. Bear, a whole year older, tries to teach him how to live a free life, but that lands them in a dumpster. [There should be some kind of transitional statement to show how Spaulding ran into Teddy T. Bear; were they in the bag together? Did they run into each other in an alleyway?] Four-year-old Phillies Bear rescues them and brings them to the park where a group of stuffies is gathering. If Spaulding can survive dogs and rats, avoid the dreaded dump, grasp how easily humans threw them all away, and handle how even some of his own kind detests inexpensive stuffies, maybe he will find the loving security of home again. [there's a lot going on here; try to trim it down to three clauses at most and add a sense of urgency instead of listing off the trials and tribulations of Spaulding.]

 

The Comfort Ban is an MG urban fantasy novel, complete at 47,000 words with potential for a series.



#11 Spaulding

Spaulding

    Frumpy Old Newbie

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 178 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Nothing but a couple of nonfiction articles ages ago.

Posted 08 November 2015 - 03:35 PM

Here's the alternative that scares me.

 

The United States' economy doesn't bounce back from a deep recession, so Congress enacts a bold plan to jumpstart the economy. Certain luxury items must be thrown away so Americans only buy necessities or local products. Inspectors enforce heavy fines if any luxury items remain. THE COMFORT BAN isn't that story.

 

THE COMFORT BAN is an MG urban fantasy of a small group of Americans that are tossed because they are some of those luxury items -- stuffed animals. Stuffies, as they call their kind.

 

Because you represented Ransom Riggs' series, I believe you know both Jacob Portman's normal world and his new world.

 

In Spaulding's normal world, he is a nine-year-old teddy bear who falls asleep in the loving arms of the girl he calls Mom. When he wakes up in a trash bag full of his family's mementos and breaks out onto an unfamiliar Philadelphia street, he needs to find home. Teddy T. Bear, a whole year older, tries to teach him how to live a free life, but that lands them in a dumpster. Three-year-old Phillies Bear rescues them and brings them back to the park where a group of stuffies is gathering. If he can survive dogs and rats, avoid the dreaded dump, resolve how easily humans tossed them all away, and handle how even some of his own kind detests inexpensive stuffies, maybe he will find home. He will never find his normal world again.

 

The Comfort Ban is 47,000 words with potential for a series.


If I helped you, please critique my query -- The Comfort Ban.

Or the synopsis. (If you're in a particularly cheery mood, I'll accept a crit for both. Better yet, if you're in a foul mood, take it out on both.  :wink: )


#12 CFrances

CFrances

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 378 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:I have been published in Learning Through History magazine, two juried medical research journals, the MS edition of Stories of Healing, and my local newspaper.

Posted 09 November 2015 - 09:47 AM

Here's the alternative that scares me.

 

The United States' economy doesn't bounce back from a deep recession, so Congress enacts a bold plan to jumpstart the economy. Certain luxury items must be thrown away so Americans only buy necessities or local products. Inspectors enforce heavy fines if any luxury items remain. THE COMFORT BAN isn't ? that story.This scares me, too. What MG reader cares about the economy or Congress? Now I see how this ties in to the econmoy, but I wouldn't go into too much detail. "The government decides Americansare  buying too many luxurey items, and so bans stuffed animals" or something simple like that.

 

THE COMFORT BAN is an MG urban fantasy of a small group of Americans that are tossed because they are some of those luxury items -- stuffed animals. Stuffies, as they call their kind. This sounds a bit clunky.

 

Because you represented Ransom Riggs' series, I believe you know both Jacob Portman's normal world and his new world.This just confuses me. I've read Miss Peregrine's School for Exceptional children, but I don't think you've made the similarities clear.

 

In Spaulding's normal world, he is a nine-year-old teddy bear who falls asleep in the loving arms of the girl he calls Mom. When he wakes up in a trash bag full of his family's mementos and breaks out onto an unfamiliar Philadelphia street, he needs to find home. Teddy T. Bear, a whole year older, tries to teach him how to live a free life, but that lands them in a dumpster. Three-year-old Phillies Bear rescues them and brings them back to the park where a group of stuffies is gathering. If he can survive dogs and rats, avoid the dreaded dump, resolve how easily humans tossed them all away, and handle how even some of his own kind detests inexpensive stuffies, maybe he will find home. He will never find his normal world again. Too much going on here. I like your older attempts much better. The story sounds great, but I've read all the past attempts to get a feel for it, and an agent needs to get it in just a few paragraphs. Keep at it!

 

The Comfort Ban is 47,000 words with potential for a series.



#13 Spaulding

Spaulding

    Frumpy Old Newbie

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 178 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Nothing but a couple of nonfiction articles ages ago.

Posted 09 November 2015 - 10:54 AM

 

Here's the alternative that scares me.

 

The United States' economy doesn't bounce back from a deep recession, so Congress enacts a bold plan to jumpstart the economy. Certain luxury items must be thrown away so Americans only buy necessities or local products. Inspectors enforce heavy fines if any luxury items remain. THE COMFORT BAN isn't ? that story.This scares me, too. What MG reader cares about the economy or Congress? Now I see how this ties in to the econmoy, but I wouldn't go into too much detail. "The government decides Americansare  buying too many luxurey items, and so bans stuffed animals" or something simple like that.

 

THE COMFORT BAN is an MG urban fantasy of a small group of Americans that are tossed because they are some of those luxury items -- stuffed animals. Stuffies, as they call their kind. This sounds a bit clunky.

 

Because you represented Ransom Riggs' series, I believe you know both Jacob Portman's normal world and his new world.This just confuses me. I've read Miss Peregrine's School for Exceptional children, but I don't think you've made the similarities clear.

 

In Spaulding's normal world, he is a nine-year-old teddy bear who falls asleep in the loving arms of the girl he calls Mom. When he wakes up in a trash bag full of his family's mementos and breaks out onto an unfamiliar Philadelphia street, he needs to find home. Teddy T. Bear, a whole year older, tries to teach him how to live a free life, but that lands them in a dumpster. Three-year-old Phillies Bear rescues them and brings them back to the park where a group of stuffies is gathering. If he can survive dogs and rats, avoid the dreaded dump, resolve how easily humans tossed them all away, and handle how even some of his own kind detests inexpensive stuffies, maybe he will find home. He will never find his normal world again. Too much going on here. I like your older attempts much better. The story sounds great, but I've read all the past attempts to get a feel for it, and an agent needs to get it in just a few paragraphs. Keep at it!

 

The Comfort Ban is 47,000 words with potential for a series.

Fangirl note: Have you read Hollow City too? It's the second in the Peculiar Children trilogy. Now I can't wait for the final installment! (I love that series!)

 

Argh! Now I'm so deeply confused. That law isn't this story, but it is the cause. And I really do hope MGers become interested in the workings of Congress eventually. This novel does stand alone, but it is also the first in a hexology, so ultimately, the stuffies do take their case to Congress to fight that law.

 

Thanks for the crit. Not sure what I'll be doing with it, but I'll get there eventually. I have been listening, just having trouble adapting. (And I thought writing the story itself was hard. lol)


If I helped you, please critique my query -- The Comfort Ban.

Or the synopsis. (If you're in a particularly cheery mood, I'll accept a crit for both. Better yet, if you're in a foul mood, take it out on both.  :wink: )


#14 Cinder Elly

Cinder Elly

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 37 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 09 November 2015 - 04:30 PM

When I read your query what immediately came to mind was The Velveteen Rabbit. The toys being tossed out, the elitism among the toys and the issues of the toys being "real" or alive all reminded me of that classic story in a good way. That story has been around for a long time for a reason and it seems like you have an interesting take on some of the same themes. 

 

However, the disconnect for me is why the toys are being thrown out in the first place. In the Velveteen Rabbit sad as it is we understand this step. The toys are quite possibly carrying germs that could harm the little boy. However, in your novel based on this query I'm less sure about the reasoning. You give us a vague hint that the government has ordered the disposal of all luxury items as a type cost saving measure and yet it's not clear how this would accomplish that goal. Surely throwing away perfectly good items is counter productive to a recovering economy? This all may be very well explained in your novel, but we're only reading the query before us. Now if the government was simply against any excess that would make more sense to me. Stuffed animals and other items could be seen as symbols of what was wrong with American society in the past.

 

Disgusted with a society where the wealthy spend mountains of money on luxury items while the rest of the country suffers a crippling recession, the American government enacts a law banning all unnecessary frills. Unfortunately for Spaulding, a once treasured teddy bear, this includes stuffed animals. 

 

That sentence is way too long and this might not capture the reality of your story at all I'm just throwing out some alternatives that would make sense to me. 



#15 Spaulding

Spaulding

    Frumpy Old Newbie

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 178 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Nothing but a couple of nonfiction articles ages ago.

Posted 10 November 2015 - 06:48 AM

I told you that last one scared me. That's why!  :blink:

 

How's this? (Insider's note: A play on words, but also the truth. Riggs' series was published by Quirky Book Publisher in Philadelphia. Too cute? Too stupid? I don't usually go with tongue-in-cheek, --or unnecessary adjectives --  but there is the same kind of silly humor in the novel with a whole bunch of Philly about it too.)

 

                * * *

Because you represented Ransom Riggs' quirky series, I hope you'll represent THE COMFORT BAN an MG urban fantasy.

 

Yesterday, all cherished Spaulding's kind. Today, they threw them out like trash.

 

When Spaulding, a nine-year-old teddy bear, climbs out of the trash bag, he has no choice but to brave the streets of Philadelphia until he can find his family. He soon discovers that he's not alone; all other stuffies have suffered his fate. Together, they face the perils of the dump, fight off dogs and rats, and learn how to build a community, while living as illegals in their own country. There is no purpose for stuffies without family.

 

The Comfort Ban is 47,000 words with potential for a series.


If I helped you, please critique my query -- The Comfort Ban.

Or the synopsis. (If you're in a particularly cheery mood, I'll accept a crit for both. Better yet, if you're in a foul mood, take it out on both.  :wink: )


#16 CFrances

CFrances

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 378 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:I have been published in Learning Through History magazine, two juried medical research journals, the MS edition of Stories of Healing, and my local newspaper.

Posted 10 November 2015 - 09:55 AM

I told you that last one scared me. That's why!  :blink:

 

How's this? (Insider's note: A play on words, but also the truth. Riggs' series was published by Quirky Book Publisher in Philadelphia. Too cute? Too stupid? I don't usually go with tongue-in-cheek, --or unnecessary adjectives --  but there is the same kind of silly humor in the novel with a whole bunch of Philly about it too.)

 

                * * *

Because you represented Ransom Riggs' quirky series, I hope you'll represent consider? THE COMFORT BAN, an MG urban fantasy.

 

Yesterday, all children cherished Teddy bears like Spaulding's. Today, they're forced to throw them out like trash.

 

When Spaulding, a nine-year-old teddy bear, climbs out of the trash bag, he has no choice but to brave the streets of Philadelphia until he can find his family. He soon discovers that he's not alone; all other stuffies have suffered his fate. Together, they face the perils of the dump, fight off dogs and rats, and learn how to build a community, while living as illegals in their own country. There is no purpose for stuffies without family.This sentence seems out of place.

 

The Comfort Ban is 47,000 words with potential for a series.

Now, this feels incomplete. We still don't know why Spaulding was tossed or what his goal is, to survive or reunite with his family.



#17 waxesnostalgic

waxesnostalgic

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 235 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS South

Posted 11 November 2015 - 07:46 PM

It's good that you were able to cut what needed to be cut, but now it's too short and vague. You can put more about the world back in, and that would give you a bit more 'voice' for Spaulding. Right now it's just like an overgrown tree that's been pruned severely. You have the opportunity to build it back up in the right way. 

I told you that last one scared me. That's why!  :blink:

 

How's this? (Insider's note: A play on words, but also the truth. Riggs' series was published by Quirky Book Publisher in Philadelphia. Too cute? Too stupid? I don't usually go with tongue-in-cheek, --or unnecessary adjectives --  but there is the same kind of silly humor in the novel with a whole bunch of Philly about it too.)

 

                * * *

Because you represented Ransom Riggs' quirky series, I hope you'll represent THE COMFORT BAN an MG urban fantasy. (I think this works, though I think it might work better if you moved the 'quirky' or something similar like 'peculiar'--though that might be too obvious--to describe your book. So "Because you represented Ransom Riggs, I hope a quirky middle grade urban fantasy like THE COMFORT BAN would interest you. The agent already knows the book they represent is quirky, they need to read about your book.)

 

Yesterday, all cherished Spaulding's kind. Today, they threw them out like trash. (I agree with CFrances's edit above)

 

When Spaulding, a nine-year-old teddy bear, (I wouldn't assume that teddy bears mature at the same rate as humans, so this seems out of place) climbs out of the trash bag, he has no choice but to brave the streets of Philadelphia until he can find his family (or 'way home'?). He soon discovers that he's not alone; all other stuffies have suffered his fate. Together, they face the perils of the dump, fight off dogs and rats, and learn how to build a community, while living as illegals in their own country. (It wouldn't hurt to describe these things in separate sentences) There is no purpose for stuffies without family. (Agree that this seems weird) When Spaulding is given a chance to go back home, he finds he could be leaving his new friends in a lurch, and has to decide between his new family and old. (Or something like that... Just making stuff up to give you a general idea, but the query needs stakes)

 

The Comfort Ban is 47,000 words with potential for a series.



#18 Spaulding

Spaulding

    Frumpy Old Newbie

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 178 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Nothing but a couple of nonfiction articles ages ago.

Posted 12 November 2015 - 09:48 AM

Because you represented Ransom Riggs' series, I hope you'll represent THE COMFORT BAN an MG urban fantasy.

 

Yesterday, Americans cherished Spaulding's kind. Today, they threw them out like trash.

 

When Spaulding, a nine-year-old teddy bear, climbs out of the trash bag, he has no choice but to brave the streets of Philadelphia until he can find home. He soon discovers that he's not alone; all other stuffies have suffered his fate. They've become illegals in their own country. Together, they face the perils of losing their stuffing to rats, riding bus bumpers in Center City, and confronting skateboarders to protect their own, all in an effort to create a community. To create a new home.

 

THE COMFORT BAN is 47,000 words with potential for a series.


If I helped you, please critique my query -- The Comfort Ban.

Or the synopsis. (If you're in a particularly cheery mood, I'll accept a crit for both. Better yet, if you're in a foul mood, take it out on both.  :wink: )


#19 CFrances

CFrances

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 378 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:I have been published in Learning Through History magazine, two juried medical research journals, the MS edition of Stories of Healing, and my local newspaper.

Posted 12 November 2015 - 10:56 AM

Because you represented Ransom Riggs' series, I hope you'll represent THE COMFORT BAN an MG urban fantasy.

 

Yesterday, Americans cherished Spaulding's kind. Today, they threw them out like trash.

 

When Spaulding, a nine-year-old teddy bear, climbs out of the trash bag, he has no choice but to brave the streets of Philadelphia until he can find home. He soon discovers that he's not alone; all other stuffies have suffered his fate. They've become illegals in their own country. Together, they face the perils of losing their stuffing to rats, riding bus bumpers in Center City, and confronting skateboarders to protect their own, all in an effort to create a community. To create a new home. Other than this sentence, I like it!

 

THE COMFORT BAN is 47,000 words with potential for a series.

What you have is good, but I think you still need to address the cause of the trouble.



#20 Spaulding

Spaulding

    Frumpy Old Newbie

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 178 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Nothing but a couple of nonfiction articles ages ago.

Posted 12 November 2015 - 11:24 AM

What you have is good, but I think you still need to address the cause of the trouble.

Would you think that if you didn't know already what the cause was?


If I helped you, please critique my query -- The Comfort Ban.

Or the synopsis. (If you're in a particularly cheery mood, I'll accept a crit for both. Better yet, if you're in a foul mood, take it out on both.  :wink: )





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users