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Comfort Ban (MG urban fantasy) Fuller Revision #8


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#1 Spaulding

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Posted 08 November 2015 - 02:20 PM

I admit I know so little about how to make a synopsis that I wrote mine by following a pattern. Now that I have, I have no idea how to make it better. So any help is appreciated.

 

* * *

The United States' economy doesn't bounce back from a deep recession, so Congress enacts a bold plan to jump-start the economy. Certain luxury items must be thrown away so Americans only buy necessities or local products. Inspectors enforce heavy fines if any luxury items remain.

 

In South Philadelphia, Spaulding a nine-year-old teddy bear has one notion in life -- to love his family, his nine-year-old mom. When he wakes in a trash bag with family mementos, he thinks it's a game but he doesn't know the rules. He punches his way out of the bag with trash collectors two doors down, when ten-year-old Teddy T. Bear demands he run or be captured for the dump. Spaulding runs with Teddy.

 

Teddy tells Spaulding they are illegal luxury items. Humans must send them to the dump -- a dangerous place full of dogs and rats ready to tear stuffed animals apart. They must find a safe place away from humans, but Spaulding needs to love his family.

 

After escaping a dog and then a rat, they discover a diner to sneak some table scraps. They're caught and thrown in the dumpster, where three-year-old Phil, a souvenir bear from the Phillies World Series championship, forages food for a small group of stuffed animals in a nearby park.

 

When they follow Phil, the number of stuffed animals in the park doubled since he left. Most of the group pull together to gather luxury foods and other stuffed animals in the trash at night during the week the law is enacted.

 

The number of stuffed animals swells into the thousands, but without a can opener, they can't open half the food. Compounding the problem, a group of earringed stuffed animals leaves the original group to start their own community, taking half the food with them. To supplement the food, they start a garden, harvest wild plants, and catch a fish.

 

The three teddy bears return from a disappointing night of scavenging. Spaulding is exhausted, starving, and misses his mother terribly. He's also worried about a small group of stuffed animals wandering over to the other community, only to return tired, dirty, and guilty. But when they find an empty skateboard park with a hidden skateboard, he raises the spirits of his friends by taking a ride together on the board.

 

Phil is found passed out on that skateboard later. When he wakes up, he tells that he sneaked over to the other community to help for a good meal thanks to their can opener, but passes out before the meal. Spaulding and Teddy promise to go with him to take back the skateboard he stole. When Spaulding and Teddy return the next day, they're told Phil and two others were discovered by skateboarders, tossed in the trash, and sent to the dump. Spaulding and Teddy get help to go after them.

 

When they reach the dump, they discover it does have other stuffed animals living there and struggling against dogs. They befriend two small stuffed animals, who want Spaulding for their dad. They see Phil and the other two, when a pit bull grabs one of Phil's group, shakes him violently, and runs off. Thousands of stuffed animals, action figures, and dolls fight against the dogs at the dump, but when it's over, the one taken is dead.

 

With little time to grieve, all the ones living in the dump join the three bears to go back to the park. At daylight, they hide in a swamp, bath in a sinkhole, and eat a large meal with the help of a can opener saved from the dump.

 

Spaulding accepts the two stuffed animals as his children and realizes he has the family he longs to love.


If I helped you, please critique my query -- The Comfort Ban.

Or the synopsis. (If you're in a particularly cheery mood, I'll accept a crit for both. Better yet, if you're in a foul mood, take it out on both.  :wink: )


#2 morgansivan

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Posted 10 November 2015 - 02:09 PM

The word count is good.

 

When United States' economy doesn't bounce back from a deep recession, the Congress enacts a bold plan to jump-start it. Certain luxury items must be thrown away so the Americans only buy necessities or local products. Inspectors enforce heavy fines if any luxury items remain. This paragraph feels arrhythmic. You have short, blunt sentences that don’t say much. Try reword the last two ones and contour the world a bit more.

 

In South Philadelphia, Spaulding, a nine-year-old teddy bear has one notion – this is too mathematic. Try purpose? in life -- to love his family, his nine-year-old mom. When he wakes up in a trash bag surrounded with family mementos – again, strange word. Are those photos or something else?, he thinks everything’s a game where he doesn't know the rules. He punches his way out of the bag with trash collectors two doors down, when ten-year-old Teddy T. Bear demands he run or be captured for the dump. Spaulding runs with Teddy. Nope, didn’t understand a thing about this. I have no idea who Teddy T. Bear is and why would Spaulding runs with him.

 

Teddy tells Spaulding they became illegal luxury items. Humans must send them to the dump -- a dangerous place full of dogs and rats ready to tear stuffed animals apart. They must find a safe place away from humans, but Spaulding needs to love his family. Huh?

 

After escaping a dog and then a rat, they discover a diner to sneak some table scraps. They're caught and thrown in the dumpster, where three-year-old Phil, a souvenir bear from the Phillies World Series championship, forages food for a small group of stuffed animals in a nearby park.

 

After they follow Phil, the number of stuffed animals in the park doubled since he left. Most of the group pull together to gather luxury foods and other stuffed animals in the trash at night during the week the law is enacted. Huh again. Where can they find luxury food and why would they do that? I mean, they are being thrown away and luxury food is their main priority? And what’s the last part about?

 

The number of stuffed animals breaks into the thousands, but without a can opener, they can't open half the food. Compounding the problem, a group of earringed stuffed animals leaves the original group to start their own community, taking half the food with them. To supplement the food, they start a garden, harvest wild plants, and catch a fish.

 

The three teddy bears return from a disappointing night of scavenging. Spaulding is exhausted, starving, and misses his mother terribly. He's also worried about a small group of stuffed animals wandering over to the other community, only to return tired, dirty, and guilty. But when they find an empty skateboard park with a hidden skateboard, he raises the spirits of his friends by taking a ride together on the board.

 

Phil is found passed out on that skateboard later. When he wakes up, he tells that he sneaked over to the other community to help for a good meal thanks to their can opener, but passes out before the meal. Spaulding and Teddy promise to go with him to take back the skateboard he stole. When Spaulding and Teddy return the next day, they're told Phil and two others were discovered by skateboarders, tossed in the trash, and sent to the dump. Spaulding and Teddy get help to go after them.

 

When they reach the dump, they discover it does have other stuffed animals living there and struggling with dogs. They befriend two small stuffed animals, who want Spaulding for their dad. They see Phil and the other two, when a pit bull grabs one of Phil's group, shakes him violently, and runs off. Thousands of stuffed animals, action figures, and dolls fight against the dogs at the dump, but when it's over, the one taken is dead.

 

With little time to grieve, all the ones living in the dump join the three bears to go back to the park. At daylight, they hide in a swamp, bath in a sinkhole, and eat a large meal with the help of a can opener saved from the dump.

 

Spaulding accepts the two stuffed animals as his children and realizes he has the family he longs to love.

 

I don’t have the slightest idea of how MG works so I tried my best to correct whatever looks out of place. You still have some work to do and the wording feels strange on some parts. Good luck!


My NA Fantasy query - Burned Wings http://agentquerycon...y-death-angels/

 


#3 Spaulding

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Posted 11 November 2015 - 12:26 AM

The word count is good.

 

When United States' economy doesn't bounce back from a deep recession, the Congress enacts a bold plan to jump-start it. Certain luxury items must be thrown away so the Americans only buy necessities or local products. Inspectors enforce heavy fines if any luxury items remain. This paragraph feels arrhythmic. You have short, blunt sentences that don’t say much. Try reword the last two ones and contour the world a bit more.

 

In South Philadelphia, Spaulding, a nine-year-old teddy bear has one notion – this is too mathematic. Try purpose? in life -- to love his family, his nine-year-old mom. When he wakes up in a trash bag surrounded with family mementos – again, strange word. Are those photos or something else?, he thinks everything’s a game where he doesn't know the rules. He punches his way out of the bag with trash collectors two doors down, when ten-year-old Teddy T. Bear demands he run or be captured for the dump. Spaulding runs with Teddy. Nope, didn’t understand a thing about this. I have no idea who Teddy T. Bear is and why would Spaulding runs with him.

 

Teddy tells Spaulding they became illegal luxury items. Humans must send them to the dump -- a dangerous place full of dogs and rats ready to tear stuffed animals apart. They must find a safe place away from humans, but Spaulding needs to love his family. Huh?

 

After escaping a dog and then a rat, they discover a diner to sneak some table scraps. They're caught and thrown in the dumpster, where three-year-old Phil, a souvenir bear from the Phillies World Series championship, forages food for a small group of stuffed animals in a nearby park.

 

After they follow Phil, the number of stuffed animals in the park doubled since he left. Most of the group pull together to gather luxury foods and other stuffed animals in the trash at night during the week the law is enacted. Huh again. Where can they find luxury food and why would they do that? I mean, they are being thrown away and luxury food is their main priority? And what’s the last part about?

 

The number of stuffed animals breaks into the thousands, but without a can opener, they can't open half the food. Compounding the problem, a group of earringed stuffed animals leaves the original group to start their own community, taking half the food with them. To supplement the food, they start a garden, harvest wild plants, and catch a fish.

 

The three teddy bears return from a disappointing night of scavenging. Spaulding is exhausted, starving, and misses his mother terribly. He's also worried about a small group of stuffed animals wandering over to the other community, only to return tired, dirty, and guilty. But when they find an empty skateboard park with a hidden skateboard, he raises the spirits of his friends by taking a ride together on the board.

 

Phil is found passed out on that skateboard later. When he wakes up, he tells that he sneaked over to the other community to help for a good meal thanks to their can opener, but passes out before the meal. Spaulding and Teddy promise to go with him to take back the skateboard he stole. When Spaulding and Teddy return the next day, they're told Phil and two others were discovered by skateboarders, tossed in the trash, and sent to the dump. Spaulding and Teddy get help to go after them.

 

When they reach the dump, they discover it does have other stuffed animals living there and struggling with dogs. They befriend two small stuffed animals, who want Spaulding for their dad. They see Phil and the other two, when a pit bull grabs one of Phil's group, shakes him violently, and runs off. Thousands of stuffed animals, action figures, and dolls fight against the dogs at the dump, but when it's over, the one taken is dead.

 

With little time to grieve, all the ones living in the dump join the three bears to go back to the park. At daylight, they hide in a swamp, bath in a sinkhole, and eat a large meal with the help of a can opener saved from the dump.

 

Spaulding accepts the two stuffed animals as his children and realizes he has the family he longs to love.

 

I don’t have the slightest idea of how MG works so I tried my best to correct whatever looks out of place. You still have some work to do and the wording feels strange on some parts. Good luck!

Thank you so much! This is showing me the difference between what I know and what isn't getting through to the reader.

 

As for luxury food, luxury items include anything not needed -- mementos (photos, silk flowers, Phillies souvenirs), food (canned exotic food like escargot, rattlesnake, mangos, kangaroo tail soup, and crickets), and, obviously toys. It's all thrown out in the same week, so they go around the city trying to find other stuffies, supplies, and food in the trash bags, always hoping to find a can opener. (The can opener takes on an almost search-for-the-holy-grail aspect, since they're stuck eating so little else without it. lol)


If I helped you, please critique my query -- The Comfort Ban.

Or the synopsis. (If you're in a particularly cheery mood, I'll accept a crit for both. Better yet, if you're in a foul mood, take it out on both.  :wink: )


#4 Ireth

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Posted 14 November 2015 - 05:43 PM

I admit I know so little about how to make a synopsis that I wrote mine by following a pattern. Now that I have, I have no idea how to make it better. So any help is appreciated.

 

* * *

The United States' economy doesn't bounce back from a deep recession, so Congress enacts a bold plan to jump-start the economy. Certain luxury items must be thrown away so Americans only buy necessities or local products. Inspectors enforce heavy fines if any luxury items remain.

 

In South Philadelphia, a nine-year-old teddy bear named Spaulding has one notion in life -- to love his family, his nine-year-old mom. When he wakes in a trash bag with family mementos, he thinks it's a game but he doesn't know the rules. He punches his way out of the bag with trash collectors two doors down(period) When ten-year-old Teddy T. Bear demands he run or be captured for the dump(comma) Spaulding runs with Teddy.

 

Teddy tells Spaulding they are illegal luxury items. Humans must send them to the dump -- a dangerous place full of dogs and rats ready to tear stuffed animals apart. They must find a safe place away from humans, but Spaulding needs to love his family.

 

After escaping a dog and then a rat, they discover a diner to sneak some table scraps. (I'm a bit confused. Why do stuffed animals need to eat? Does your world work like the Hundred Acre Wood?) They're caught (make this more active. Who catches them?) and thrown in the dumpster, where three-year-old Phil, a souvenir bear from the Phillies World Series championship, forages food for a small group of stuffed animals in a nearby park.

 

When they follow Phil, the number of stuffed animals in the park is doubled since he left. Most of the group pull together to gather luxury foods and other stuffed animals in the trash at night during the week the law is enacted.

 

The number of stuffed animals swells into the thousands, but without a can opener, they can't open half the food. Compounding the problem, a group of earringed stuffed animals leaves the original group to start their own community, taking half the food with them. To supplement the food, they start a garden, harvest wild plants, and catch a fish.

 

The three teddy bears return from a disappointing night of scavenging. Spaulding is exhausted, starving, and misses his mother terribly. He's also worried about a small group of stuffed animals wandering over to the other community, only to return tired, dirty, and guilty. But when they find an empty skateboard park with a hidden skateboard, he raises his friends' spirits of his friends by riding with them on the board.

 

Phil is found passed out on that skateboard later. When he wakes up, he tells that he sneaked over to the other community to help for a good meal thanks to their can opener, but passed out before the meal. Spaulding and Teddy promise to go with him to take back the skateboard he stole. When Spaulding and Teddy return the next day, they're told Phil and two others were discovered by skateboarders, tossed in the trash, and sent to the dump. Spaulding and Teddy get help to go after them.

 

When they reach the dump, they discover it does have other stuffed animals living there and struggling against dogs. They befriend two small stuffed animals, who want Spaulding for their dad. They see Phil and the other two, when a pit bull grabs one of Phil's group, shakes him violently, and runs off. Thousands of stuffed animals, action figures, and dolls fight against the dogs at the dump, but when it's over, the one taken is dead.

 

With little time to grieve, all the ones living in the dump join the three bears to go back to the park. During daylight, they hide in a swamp, bathe in a sinkhole, and eat a large meal with the help of a can opener saved from the dump.

 

Spaulding accepts the two stuffed animals as his children and realizes he has the family he longs to love.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#5 Spaulding

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Posted 16 November 2015 - 03:50 AM

When the United States' economy doesn't bounce back from a deep recession, Congress enacts a bold plan to jumpstart the economy. Certain luxury items must be thrown away so Americans only buy necessities or local products. Inspectors enforce heavy fines if any luxury items remain.

 

In South Philadelphia, Spaulding a nine-year-old teddy bear has one purpose in life -- to love his family, his nine-year-old mom. When he wakes in a trash bag with family mementos, he thinks it's a game but he doesn't know the rules. He punches his way out of the bag with trash collectors two doors down, when ten-year-old Teddy T. Bear demands he run or be captured for the dump. Spaulding runs with Teddy.

 

Teddy tells Spaulding they are illegal luxury items. Humans must send them to the dump -- a dangerous place full of dogs and rats ready to tear stuffed animals apart. They must find a safe place away from humans, but Spaulding needs to find his family.

 

After escaping a dog and then a rat, they discover a diner to sneak some table scraps. They're caught by the table cleaner, and the manager tells him to toss them into the dumpster, where three-year-old Phil, a souvenir bear from the Phillies World Series championship, forages food for a small group of stuffed animals in a nearby park.

 

When they follow Phil, the number of stuffed animals in the park doubled since he left. Most of the group pull together to gather luxury foods also tossed out and other stuffed animals in the trash at night during the week the law is enacted.

 

The number of stuffed animals swells into the thousands, but without a can opener, they can't open half the food. Compounding the problem, a group of earringed stuffed animals leaves the original group to start their own community, taking half the food with them. To supplement the food, they start a garden, harvest wild plants, and catch a frankenfish.

 

The three teddy bears return from a disappointing night of scavenging. Spaulding is exhausted, starving, and misses his mother terribly. He's also worried about a small group of stuffed animals wandering over to the other community, only to return tired, dirty, and guilty. But when they find an empty skateboard park with a hidden skateboard, he raises the hid friends spirits by riding together on the board.

 

Later that day, Phil is found passed out on that skateboard. When he wakes up, he tells that he sneaked over to the other community to help for a good meal thanks to their can opener, but fainted before the meal. Spaulding and Teddy promise to go with him to take back the skateboard he stole. When Spaulding and Teddy return the next day, they're told Phil and two others were discovered by skateboarders, tossed in the trash, and sent to the dump. Spaulding and Teddy get help to go after them.

 

When they reach the dump, they discover it does have other stuffed animals living there and struggling against dogs. They befriend two small stuffed animals, who want Spaulding for their dad. They see Phil and the other two, when a pit bull grabs one of Phil's group, shakes him violently, and runs off. Thousands of stuffed animals, action figures, and dolls fight against the dogs at the dump, but when it's over, the one taken is dead.

 

With little time to grieve, all the ones living in the dump join the three bears to go back to the park. At daylight, they hide in a swamp, bathe in a sinkhole, and eat a large meal with the help of a can opener saved from the dump.

 

Spaulding accepts the two stuffed animals as his children and realizes he has the family he longs to love.


If I helped you, please critique my query -- The Comfort Ban.

Or the synopsis. (If you're in a particularly cheery mood, I'll accept a crit for both. Better yet, if you're in a foul mood, take it out on both.  :wink: )


#6 RRouth

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Posted 17 November 2015 - 08:31 AM

 

When the United States' economy doesn't bounce back from a deep recession, Congress enacts a bold plan to jumpstart the economy. Certain luxury items must be thrown away so because (maybe) Americans only buy necessities or local products. Inspectors enforce heavy fines if any luxury items remain.

 

In South Philadelphia, a nine year old teddy bear named SPAULDING Spauldinga nine-year-old teddy bear has one purpose in life -- to love his family, his nine-year-old mom. When he wakes in a trash bag with his human family's mementos, he thinks it's a game, but he doesn't know the rules. He punches his way out of the bag with trash collectors two doors down. There, he meets , when ten-year-old TEDDY T. BEAR Teddy T. Bear demands he run or be captured for the dump. Spaulding runs with Teddy.

 

Teddy tells Spaulding that they are illegal luxury items. Humans must send them to the dump -- a dangerous place full of dogs and rats ready to tear stuffed animals apart. They must find a safe place away from humans, but Spaulding needs (maybe you might want to use a different verb here. Maybe WANTS, since he doesn't really need to) to find his family.

 

After escaping a dog and then a rat, they discover a diner to sneak some table scraps. (I'm a little confused as to why they need to eat. Maybe you might want to just say that they need to eat, so it explains this part a little bit better) They're caught by the table cleaner (busboy?), and the manager tells him to toss them into the dumpster, where three-year-old PHIL Phil, a souvenir bear from the Phillies World Series championship, forages food for a small group of stuffed animals in a nearby park.

 

When they follow Phil, the number of stuffed animals in the park doubled since he left. (I'm a tad confused here too. How could they know how many there are if they've never been there before? Try to keep it in Spaulding's POV) Most of the group pull together to gather luxury foods also tossed out and other stuffed animals in the trash at night during the week the law is enacted.

 

The number of stuffed animals swells into the thousands, but without a can opener, they can't open half the food (This part confused me a bit too. Maybe you could try saying that most of the food is cans and they can't eat them without a can opener?). Compounding the problem, a group of earringed stuffed animals leaves the original group to start their own community, taking half the food with them. To supplement the food, they start a garden, harvest wild plants, and catch a frankenfish.

 

Some time later(?, you need a transition here), The three teddy bears return from a disappointing night of scavenging. Spaulding is exhausted, starving, and misses his mother terribly. He is also worried about a small group of stuffed animals wandering over to the other community, only to return tired, dirty, and guilty. But when they find an empty skateboard park with a hidden skateboard, he raises the hid (Not sure if this is the word you want) friends spirits by riding together on the board.

 

Later that day, Phil is found Spauling finds Phil passed out on that the skateboard. When he wakes up, he tells that he sneaked over to the other community to help for a good meal thanks to their can opener, but fainted before the meal. Spaulding and Teddy promise to go with him to take back the skateboard he stole. When Spaulding and Teddy return the next day, they're told discover Phil and two others were discovered by skateboarders, tossed in the trash by skateboarders, and sent to the dump. Spaulding and Teddy get help to go after them.

 

When they reach the dump, they discover it does have other stuffed animals living there and struggling against dogs. They befriend two small stuffed animals, who want Spaulding for their dad (You may want to flesh this out with another sentence or two. It seems like an important part of the story). They see Phil and the other two, when a pit bull grabs one of Phil's group, shakes him violently, and runs off. Thousands of stuffed animals, action figures, and dolls fight against the dogs at the dump, but when it's over, the one taken is dead.

 

With little time to grieve, all of the ones living in the dump join the three bears to go back to the park. At daylight, they hide in a swamp, bathe in a sinkhole, and eat a large meal with the help of a can opener saved from the dump.

 

Spaulding accepts the two stuffed animals as his children and realizes he has the family he longs to love.

 

I really like the story. I think it read pretty well. I just made some suggestions to make it flow a little easier and to show the spots where I'm confused. My only recommendation would be to keep it in one POV (try to keep everything out of Spaulding's view, if he's the main character) and focus on infusing some voice in there. Is it a funny story? Or a serious one? You might want to try and get some of that in there to keep the reader invested. And names are always capitalized the first time they are mentioned. Hope that helps. :)

 


Take everything I say with a grain of salt. :tongue:


#7 jennieblaser

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Posted 17 November 2015 - 02:10 PM

When the United States' economy doesn't bounce back from a deep recession, Congress enacts a bold plan to jumpstart the economy. Certain luxury items, including all stuffed animals, must be thrown away so Americans only buy necessities or local products. Inspectors enforce heavy fines if any luxury items remain. {I think you need to put stuffed animals in the first paragraph since that is what this book is about}

 

In South Philadelphia, Spaulding, a nine-year-old teddy bear has one purpose in life -- to love his family, his nine-year-old mom. When he wakes in a trash bag with other family mementos, he thinks it's a game but he doesn't know the rules. He punches his way out of the bag, barely outrunning the with trash collectors two doors down and teams up with , when ten-year-old Teddy T. Bear demands he run or be captured for the dump. Spaulding runs with Teddy.

 

Teddy tells Spaulding they are illegal luxury items and have been relegated to the dump. Humans must send them to the dump -- a dangerous place full of dogs and rats ready to tear stuffed animals apart. They must find a safe place away from humans, but Spaulding just wants needs to find his family.

 

After escaping a dog and then a rat, they discover a diner to and sneak some table scraps. They're caught by the table cleaner, and the manager tells him to toss them into the dumpster, where three-year-old Phil, a souvenir bear from the Phillies World Series championship, forages food for a small group of stuffed animals in a nearby park.

 

When tThey follow Phil, and find the park 'stuffed' (pun intended, use what you want) with stuffed animals, refugees from the new law. the number of stuffed animals in the park doubled since he left. Most of the group pull together to gather luxury foods also tossed out and other stuffed animals in the trash at night during the week the law is enacted.

The refugees are starving, since they have no can opener and The number of stuffed animals swells into the thousands, but without a can opener, they can't open half the food. Compounding the problem, a group of earringed stuffed animals leaves the original group to start their own community, taking half the food with them. To supplement the food, they start a garden, harvest wild plants, and catch a frankenfish.

 

The three teddy bears return from a disappointing night of scavenging. Spaulding is exhausted, starving, and misses his mother terribly. He's also worried about a small group of stuffed animals wandering over to the other community, only to return tired, dirty, and guilty. But when they find an empty skateboard park with a hidden skateboard, he raises the hid his friends' spirits by riding together on the board.

 

Later that day, Phil is found passed out on that skateboard. When he wakes up, he tells that he sneaked over to the other community to help for a good meal thanks to their can opener, but fainted before the meal. Spaulding and Teddy promise to go with him to take back the skateboard he stole. {I thought they found a hidden skateboard} When Spaulding and Teddy return the next day, they're told Phil and two others were discovered by skateboarders, tossed in the trash, and sent to the dump. Spaulding and Teddy get help to go after them.

 

When they reach the dump, they discover it does have has other stuffed animals living there and struggling against dogs. They befriend two small stuffed animals, who want Spaulding for their dad. They see Phil and the other two, when a pit bull grabs one of Phil's group, shakes him violently, and runs off. Thousands of stuffed animals, action figures, and dolls fight against the dogs at the dump, but when it's over, the one taken is dead.{I don't understand this. who is the one taken?}

 

With little time to grieve, all the ones living in the dump join the three bears to go back to the park. At daylight, they hide in a swamp, bathe in a sinkhole, and eat a large meal with the help of a can opener saved from the dump.

 

Spaulding accepts the two stuffed animals as his children and realizes he has the family he longs to love.

 

This is a cute story and I think your synopsis is in good shape. I tweaked it here and there, but they were more personal preferences. Hope you can return the favor!



#8 Spaulding

Spaulding

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Posted 19 November 2015 - 01:50 PM

When the United States' economy doesn't bounce back from a deep recession, Congress enacts a bold plan to jumpstart the economy. Certain luxury items must be thrown away so Americans only buy necessities or local products. Inspectors enforce heavy fines if any luxury items remain.

 

In South Philadelphia, SPAULDING the teddy bear has one commitment in life -- to love his family, his nine-year-old mom. When he wakes in a trash bag with family mementos, he thinks it's a game but he doesn't know the rules. He punches his way out of the bag with trash collectors two doors down, when TEDDY T. BEAR commands he runs or be captured for the dump. Spaulding runs with Teddy.

 

Teddy explains to Spaulding that they are illegal luxury items. Humans must send them to the dump -- a dangerous place full of dogs and rats ready to tear stuffed animals apart. They must find a safe place away from humans, but Spaulding needs to find his family.

 

After hiding for a day, they're hungry for more than snack cakes and discover a diner to sneak some table scraps. The busser catches them, and the manager has him toss them into the dumpster, where young PHIL, a souvenir bear from the Phillies World Series championship, forages food for a few stuffies in a nearby park.

 

When they follow Phil, the number of stuffed animals in the park doubled since he left. Most of the group pull together to gather luxury foods also tossed out and other stuffies in the trash at night during the week the law is enacted.

 

After searching for stuffies and supplies during that week, the number of stuffies swells to four thousand, but without a can opener, they can't open the cans of food. The exotic produce and boxed food dwindles rapidly. Compounding the problem, a group of earringed stuffies leaves the original group to start their own community, taking half the food with them. To supplement the food, a stuffed rabbit starts a garden, the cooks -- a group of stuffed mice who fancy themselves as knowledgeable as Eagle Scouts -- harvest wild plants, and DOOKIE, a teddy bear always eager to help, catches a frankenfish.

 

Three weeks later, the three teddy bears return from a disappointing night of scavenging with just three ancient cans of anchovies. Spaulding is exhausted, starving, and misses his mother terribly. He's also worried about a small group of stuffed animals wandering over to the other community, only to return tired, grubby, and guilty. But when they find an empty skateboard park with a hidden skateboard, he raises his friend's spirits by riding together on the board.

 

Later that day, that grubby group of stuffies pushes a skateboard into the community's field. Phil is lying still on that skateboard. Dookie orchestrates everyone into action to feed starving Phil. When Phil wakes up, he tells that he snuck over to the other community to help build homes for a good meal thanks to their can opener, but passed out before the meal. Spaulding and Teddy promise to go with him to take back the skateboard he stole. When Spaulding and Teddy return the next day, they're told skateboarders discovered Phil, Dookie and the rabbit, tossed them in the trash, and they're headed to the dump. Spaulding and Teddy get help to go after them.

 

When they reach the dump, they discover it does have other stuffies living there and struggling against dogs. They befriend two small stuffed animals, who cling to Spaulding like Velcro. Phil, the rabbit, and Dookie appear at the top of a heap. Dookie shoves Phil and the rabbit away before a pit bull snatches him, shakes him violently, and runs off. Thousands of stuffed animals, action figures, and dolls fight against the dogs at the dump, but when it's over, Dookie is dead.

 

The dogs have been trapped, but will escape soon. The two clinging stuffies believe Spaulding will take care of them, so they ask him to be their dad. With little time to grieve, all the ones living in the dump join the three bears to go back to the park. At daylight, they hide in a swamp, bathe in a sinkhole, and eat a large meal with the help of a can opener saved from the dump.

 

Spaulding accepts the two stuffies as his children and realizes he has the family he longs to love.


If I helped you, please critique my query -- The Comfort Ban.

Or the synopsis. (If you're in a particularly cheery mood, I'll accept a crit for both. Better yet, if you're in a foul mood, take it out on both.  :wink: )


#9 ah_522

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Posted 20 November 2015 - 05:22 PM

Returning the favour!

 

When the United States' economy doesn't bounce back from a deep recession, Congress enacts a bold plan to jumpstart the economy. Certain luxury items must be thrown away so Americans only buy necessities or local products. Inspectors enforce heavy fines if any luxury items remain. (I'm curious. How would throwing away luxury items cause the economy to get better? Forcing them to 'buy American' when nothing's produced in the States anymore and it's all imported from Asia and South America....?")

 

In South Philadelphia, SPAULDING the teddy bear has one commitment in life -- to love his family, his nine-year-old mom. When he wakes in a trash bag with family mementos, he thinks it's a game but he doesn't know the rules. He punches his way out of the bag with trash collectors two doors down, when TEDDY T. BEAR (is this bear in the trash also, or happens to come by? It might make sense to say Teddy goes by to clarify the confusion.) commands he runs or be captured for the dump. Spaulding runs with Teddy.

 

Teddy explains to Spaulding that they are illegal luxury items. Humans must send them to the dump -- a dangerous place full of dogs and rats ready to tear stuffed animals apart. They must find a safe place away from humans, but Spaulding needs shouldn't it be wants? to find his family.

 

After hiding for a day, they're hungry for more than snack cakesPERIOD and They discover a diner and decide to sneak some table scraps from there. The busser catches them, and the manager has him toss them into the dumpster, where young PHIL, a souvenir bear from the Phillies World Series championship, forages food for a few stuffies in a nearby park. (So they meet Phil there too?) Just to be absolutely clear, humans don't know the stuffies have sentience...right?!

 

When they follow Phil, the number of stuffed animals in the park doubled since he left. Most of the group pull together to gather luxury foods also tossed out and other stuffies in the trash at night during the week the law is enacted. (I think these two sentences can be combined. Maybe a 'Phil leads them to a park where other stuffies have gathered, and they meet blah blah blah like them.)

 

After searching for stuffies and supplies during that week, the number of stuffies swells to four thousand, but without a can opener, they can't open the cans of food. The exotic produce and boxed food dwindles rapidly. (Maybe 'To survive, Phil and his community forage for food, finding exotic produce and boxed food. However, much of this food needs to be opened by a can opener--which they lack.) Compounding the problem, a group of earringed stuffies (maybe saying troublemakers would be better? B/c I wasn't sure what that meant at first.) leaves the original group to start their own community, taking half the food with them. To supplement the food (you've used food three times in three sentences. Switch up the language.), a stuffed rabbit starts a garden, the cooks -- a group of stuffed mice who fancy themselves as knowledgeable as Eagle Scouts -- harvest wild plants, and DOOKIE, a teddy bear always eager to help, catches a frankenfish. (This is a mouthful. Maybe break it into two lines.)

 

Teddy and Spaulding decide to join Phil's group. However, three weeks later, the three teddy bears return from a disappointing night of scavenging with just three ancient cans of anchovies. Spaulding is exhausted, starving, and misses his mother terribly. He's also worried about a small group of stuffed animals wandering over to the other community, only to return tired, grubby, and guilty. (So the troublemakers came back? I'm not sure what you're trying to say here.) But when they find an empty skateboard park with a hidden skateboard, he raises his friend's friends' spirits by riding together on the board.

 

Later that day, that grubby group of stuffies pushes a skateboard into the community's field. discover Phil is lying still on that skateboard. Dookie orchestrates (I think orchestrates is used w/ an inanimate verb? But using this word feels very awk. Perhaps invigorate?) everyone into action to feed the starving Phil. When Phil wakes up, he tells that he snuck over to the other community to help build homes for a good meal thanks to their can opener, but passed out before the meal. Spaulding and Teddy promise to go with him to take back the skateboard he stole. (Hold on. Wasn't this skateboard abandoned? I'm really lost now.) When Spaulding and Teddy return the next day, they're told skateboarders discovered Phil, Dookie and the rabbit, tossed them in the trash, and they're headed to the dump. Spaulding and Teddy get help to go after them. (I'm so lost at this point. What exactly happened? Didn't they save Phil... and he went back w/ others? What?!)

 

When they reach the dump, they discover it does have other stuffies living there and struggling against dogs. They befriend two stuffies small stuffed animals, who cling to Spaulding like Velcro. Phil, the rabbit, and Dookie appear at the top of a heap. Is this detail necessary? Dookie shoves Phil and the rabbit away before a pit bull snatches him, shakes him violently, and runs off. Thousands of stuffed animals, action figures, and dolls fight against the dogs at the dump, but when it's over, Dookie is dead.

 

It would make better sense to describe the fight as "They see friends, but dogs ambush them, seizing Dookie in the process. The abandoned stuffies there unite to trap the dogs and save Dookie, who unfortunately died in the struggle." Something concise and less confusing. 

 

The dogs have been trapped, but will escape soon. The two clinging stuffies believe Spaulding will take care of them, so they ask him to be their dad. With little time to grieve, all the ones living in the dump join the three bears to go back to the park awk phrasing. At daylight, they hide in a swamp, bathe in a sinkhole, and eat a large meal with the help of a can opener saved from the dump. Is this necessary? Maybe just say they find a can opener from the dump and bring it back to the community with them. That's much more concise and goes back to the dilemma w/ the food.

 

Spaulding accepts the two stuffies as his children and realizes he has the family he longs to love.

 

Hope this helps. 






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