Seventeen-year-old North McNeil was born with eyes like cameras and the talent to draw exactly what she sees— and this makes her a threat. (you can totally spiff this up -- change talent to ability, and then say, talents that make her a threat. and this is so generic/bleh. So this would be my suggestion: Seveteen-year-old North McNeil was born with eyes like cameras and the ability to draw exactly what she shees -- talents that make her a threat.
North is extraordinary, (this is sooooooo cliche. No no no. ) but her life doesn’t belong to her. At least not according to the Control. All Extra Ordinems are their exclusive property, imprisoned at a young age by this brutal agency of power. And in the violent post-Shutdown world, where technology is scarce, North is an especially valuable asset. She’s alive and free only because she and her father conceal her ability.
But North can’t help it if her gift comes in super handy (how does it come in super handy?) , and as long as she’s careful, there’s no reason not to investigate a few crime scenes alongside her best friend Ranger. When she's working a homicide, North's skills have a purpose. Yet one sketch out of line and she could become a victim herself, as tortured and dead as anyone she captures on paper. (how?)
Like the broken, bloodied girl whose death scene North can’t shake from her mind. (I don't understand this sentence at all) What was she running from? North feels compelled to seek the answers. But just as the dangerous truth begins to emerge, North is exposed, and the Control murders her father.
Now a target, she is forced
out on the run with Ranger by her side. North thinks she has nothing left to lose until a vicious encounter ends with Ranger surrendering himself to protect her. Now she must choose between succumbing to her grief and certain capture, or staging a suicidal rescue mission. Newfound support propels North from despair into forward motion, and she soon realizes that love is less a deep feeling, and more a deep action. If it’s deep enough she’ll find a fierce strength that is beyond extraordinary. Her fight could even save more than one life.
TRUE NORTH, a dark YA thriller with romance elements and diverse characters, is complete at 53,000 words and is book one of a duology. My background as a feminist multimedia artist has helped shape this narrative.
Thank you for your time and consideration!
Er, I think you still have a way to go. You've got your hook, great, but the rest of the query needs to relate back to that hook. So you hook the agent, usually then you establish the setting. Also this isn't really a YA thriller, its more a YA Sci-fi? or Dystopian? I know you don't want to call it those things, but that's what it is :/.
Seveteen-year-old North McNeil was born with eyes like cameras and the ability to draw exactly what she sees -- talents that make her a threat. (also DO NOT CHANGE EYES LIKE CAMERAS TO PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. One of the bummers about getting feedback like this, is you tend to lose your individual voice. Photographic memory is generic. Eyes like cameras is you as an author in three words. Its unique, its different, it has voice. DO NOT CHANGE IT.)
In a violent post-shutdown world, where technology is scare, ____ (here you need to develop a little better of how north fits into the society. She's not an Extra Ordinem is she? Or is she, and she is owned by someone? And she's alive and free does that mean she's on the run? Are they hiding that they are Extra Ordinems? This paragraph should start with the setting, and explain where North fits into her world. At the end of this paragraph you bring in something like -- as long as north keeps her talents hidden, or continues to conceal her ability. See there's the conflict and stakes you've raised?
THEN : I would establish that north is connected to her ablities, they are a part of her, and sometimes she just cna't help herself. "She doesn't see the harm in investigating a few crime scenes alongside her best friend Ranger. When she's working a homicide, her skills have a purpose." Now the how one sketch out of line could cause her issues thing -- if you make that first paragraph stronger, we should understand how already one ketch out of line could get her killed, as is, we don't know.
Then a stand alone sentence/ short paragraph: What is the incident that causes north to start asking questions? Did a girl die and she keeps thinking about it? so she starts asking questions and just as she starts to find answers, the control kills her father. You sort of have this now, but it doesn't make sense. Don't be concerned about telling to much -- or giving away some secret plot thing. Just get the info on the page
Then your final paragraph -- what you have is close, but I think you can just start with -- When Ranger surrenders himself to protect her, North finds herself without anything left -- all her family is gone. New found support (you've got to be more specific here where does the support come from and what is it -- how does it give North what she needs to set in motion her risking everything to save Ranger/her dad.
"Rather than succumb to grief and be captured, North must take action to save Ranger herself -- but if she's caught infiltrating the Control, she might not live to see him freed."
The stuff about love is great and all, but its too undefinable. It sounds like poetry. This is a book. You want firm solid choices at the end. Love stuff isn't firm or solid its like, floating ethereal nothingness.