THANK YOU rose77 and wilesthing- very helpful. I've taken on many of your edits for this next try!
Dear Ms. Agent,
Seventeen-year-old North McNeil was born with eyes like cameras and the talent to draw exactly what she sees.
Her skill comes in very handy at the crime scenes she covertly investigates alongside her best friend Ranger. With her retired detective father’s blessing, even.
North is extraordinary— and in the violent post-Shutdown world, she must conceal it. All Extra Ordinems like her are by law the exclusive property of the Control, imprisoned at a young age by the brutal agency of power. For what dark purpose, no one knows, and North hopes to never find out. With her retired, detective father's blessing, she uses her skills to quietly investigate crime scenes with her best friend Ranger. But one sketch out of line and she could become a victim herself, as tortured and dead as anyone she captures on paper.
Like the broken, bloodied girl whom she sketched (I assume), whose image North can’t shake from her mind.
What was she running from?(something about the Control's invovlement?) North, Ranger and her father are getting closer to uncovering the answer.
But just as the dangerous truth begins to emerge about this girl’s death, North's ability is exposed, and her father is killed by the Control. Now a target herself, she is forced out on the run with Ranger by her side. When the same agents who murdered North's father catch
upthem, and Ranger surrenders himself to protect her, she must choose between succumbing to her grief and a suicidal rescue mission. Unexpected support from a disenfranchised rural community propels North away from despair and into forward motion, and she learns firsthand that love is less a deep feeling, and more a deep action. If it’s deep enough, she’llAs she fights to save the person she loves, North finds within her a fierce strength that’s beyond extraordinary, and the will to overcome imminent harmanything. She could even save more than the person she loves. Not only so that she can save Ranger, but also save ______ (whatever works best with your story).
TRUE NORTH, a dark YA thriller with romance elements and diverse characters, is complete at 53,000 words and is book one of two. My background as a feminist multimedia artist has helped shape this narrative.
Thank you for your time and consideration!
*weak, yet effective and brief. Suggestions?
I think that you jump into the fantasy elements a little late- which is why I don't think that you should include your second little teaser paragraph as is. I also think that your ending could use a little more urgency- perhaps more specifics on what "dark purpose" the Ordinems are being used for. Show what's at stake for North.
****** I just realized that I failed to reply to your most recent draft. My bad. I'll look at that instead- but I'll leave this here in case it helps in any way :)