Hei there guys! I have a new version. I put the last paragraph in red because I'm not sure at all about it. Some advice, pretty please?
Lydia Hale has been dead for three hundred years. I agree with an above poster that something about the dead-but-walking-around may be more of a hook. (Maybe even start with the most recent event, rather than the backstory: "Lydia wakes in a shallow grave after being hit by a truck," and then something to characterize her reaction: "She sighs. Just another day at the office" or "After three hundred years of this, she's getting bored" or "She wonders if there's time to get cleaned up and get coffee before she has to die again." ...Probably not any of those specifically, but something about the starkness of waking up in a grave and it having become pretty dull for her.
Burnt at the stake for witchcraft in 1690, she realized But she probably didn't "just realize," right? She was burned at the stake and Death offered her a choice. the only
option at "chance at" or "option for" survival was to take up on her father’s Might want to be clear off the bat who her father is. offer: become one of his Death Angels. Today she roams Earth as an immortal corpse, marking criminals for Death to collect their souls. This might be a good moment to tell us what she thinks of this. It sounds like she's really not pleased, but if she's going to react out of spite a few paragraphs down, it could help to understand how angry she is at Death, and why.
Once When she wakes up in a makeshift grave, Lydia remains unfazed. The guy who did this to her is going to be branded and punished for his reckless decision. Odd word choice--it's hard to picture her assuming he *decided* to hit a pedestrian, even if that's what he did. People so rarely do that on purpose. She’s only doing her job.
Anthony Hazael has one purpose goal?: to free his father from Hell ... so many questions. Which is fine, but it's possible there's some brief amount of color you could give so I have the characterization better. Is his father an awful guy but Anthony has been bullied into worshiping the guy enough to break him out of hell? Or does he believe his father was wrongly damned? How does he KNOW? Anthony clearly has a bunch of knowledge and/or abilities unlike other people--he knows his father's damnation status, he knows how to cheat death, he identifies Lydia as someone who works for Death--how?? You don't need to answer all of it, but at the moment I have zero characterization for this guy, and it's possible the answers to some of those questions would give me a better picture of him.
To do that he needs two things–a brand Is this a mark on his body? It may be that "brand on his arm" (or back/forehead/whatever) makes it clearer what kind of brand we're talking about. and Death’s real name, in
exchange binding him to grant one wish. which will let him force Death to grant him one wish. Letting Lydia believe he is the one who drove the truck that temporarily killed her There's a lot implied in here, like the fact that it sounds like it was actually somebody else who did it--give me more of a moment? How the heck did Anthony know she was one of Death's henchpeople? It sounds like Anthony saw her get hit by a truck and recognized (How??) that she was one of the people who brand evil-doers, and he switched places with the actual truck driver. Maybe give us more about that moment?
is his last resort at preposition trouble/word choice issue. "Last chance at" maybe? getting what he needs.
Giving the brand as punishment, and the name to spite her father, It sounds like this is a long explanation, but it seems like this moment has a lot to do with who Lydia is, and I don't think I really understand why she gives the name--spite about what? If it's this easy to bind Death, she's got to be pretty aware that you don't give this name out too often, spite or not. I think this moment is worth spending a little time on.
Lydia seals her own fate. Death is raging and the punishment for disobedience is a Kind of passive, given how angry Death is. "Furious, Death punishes Lydia by linking her mortality to Anthony's own: if he dies, she dies. And if Lydia dies, there's only one place her soul is going." ...Or something. curse that links Anthony’s mortality to Lydia’s body.
The Rules of Hell are broken. Demons start coming back to life, and Lydia might lose her soul once and for all unless redemption follows. "Unless redemption follows" feels kind of vague and passive, especially when you're talking about redemption. She's going to hell unless she ... what? Unless the curse is broken, there’s no way out. It kind of sounds like there are two ways out--she redeems herself and goes to (is it heaven? whatever the not-hell option is in this story) or she gets her immortality back and doesn't go anywhere. Is that right?
Because she is damned and Anthony’s her death. I know what you're going for, but it's a little confusingly phrased. "Anthony is" would help, but I'm just not sure this has the punch you want it to.
Thank you for your time and consideration.