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Burned Wings, New Adult Fantasy, Revised #20

New Adult Romance Fantasy

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#1 morgansivan

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Posted 15 November 2015 - 12:39 PM

Revised Query, #20

 

Hei guys! I know you are wondering what the hell this girl is doing but I have a lot of imagination and a lot of spare time. So I write. A lot. This is my latest idea, my most recent piece and I was really wondering how the query is going. Hope you like it and comment.

Every critique will be returned, of course. Thank you guys.

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

 

Lydia Hale has been dead for the past four hundred years.

 

Death Angels claimed her doomed soul and ever since she’s been existing to serve them by branding criminals who deserve one way ticket straight to Hell. Once she wakes up in a makeshift grave after someone run a truck over her immortal body, Lydia only needs to do her job in order to punish her killer: brand him.

 

Anthony Hazael has only one purpose in life: free his father from Hell. In order to do that he needs two things–get a brand and find out Death’s real name, binding him to grant one wish. Yet, asking Death to release one soul has a repercussion Anthony never suspected: the Gates of Hell remain wide open and any tormented soul can now freely waltz out of the Pit.

 

Cursing Lydia for disclosing his name, Death links Anthony’s mortal body to her immortal one. If he dies, she dies too. For good this time.

 

So, when shadows are coming to hunt Lydia down wanting to send her in the very same place she send them, Anthony is her only weakness and breaking the curse becomes Lydia’s only option at survival. If not, the only way out for both of them is an eternity spent in Hell. And that’s not an option.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. [Bio and personalization.]


My NA Fantasy query - Burned Wings http://agentquerycon...y-death-angels/

 


#2 sherilynnmarean@gmail.com

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Posted 15 November 2015 - 12:52 PM

Dear Agent,

 

 

Lydia Hale has been dead for the past four hundred years.

 

Death Angels claimed her doomed soul and ever since she’s been existing to serve them by branding criminals who deserve one way tickets straight to Hell. Once she wakes up in a makeshift grave after someone run ran a truck over her immortal body, Lydia only needs to do her job in order to punish her killer: brand him.

 

Anthony Hazael has only one purpose in life: free his father from Hell. In order to do that he needs two things–get a brand and find out Death’s realname, binding him to grant one wish. Yet, asking Death to release one soul has a repercussion Anthony never suspected: the Gates of Hell remain wide open and any tormented soul can now freely waltz out of the Pit.

 

Cursing Lydia for disclosing his name, Death links Anthony’s mortal body to her immortal one. If he dies, she dies too. For good this time.

 

So, when shadows are coming to hunt Lydia down wanting to send her in the very same place she send them, Anthony is her only weakness and breaking the curse becomes Lydia’s only option at survival. If not, the only way out for both of them is an eternity spent in Hell. And that’s not an option.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. [Bio and personalization.]

sounds pretty good, just a couple minor fixes...:)



#3 waxesnostalgic

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Posted 15 November 2015 - 08:13 PM

Hei guys! I know you are wondering what the hell this girl is doing but I have a lot of imagination and a lot of spare time. So I write. A lot. This is my latest idea, my most recent piece and I was really wondering how the query is going. Hope you like it and comment.

Every critique will be returned, of course. Thank you guys.

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

 

Lydia Hale has been dead for the past four hundred years. (Great hook, right from the start!)

 

Death Angels claimed her doomed soul and ever since she’s been existing existed to serve them by branding criminals who deserve one way ticket straight to Hell. Once she wakes up in a makeshift grave after someone runs a truck over her immortal body, Lydia only needs to do her job in order to punish her killer: brand him.

 

Anthony Hazael has only one purpose in life: to free his father from Hell. In order to do that he needs two things–get a brand and find out Death’s real name(period), This will binding him Death to grant one wish. Yet, asking Death to release one soul has a repercussion Anthony never suspected: the Gates of Hell remain wide open and any tormented soul can now freely waltz out of the Pit.

 

Cursing Lydia for disclosing his name, Death links Anthony’s mortal body to her immortal one. (This is where you've lost me. Why did Lydia give Anthony Death's real name? Was is part of her attempt to seek out her killer?) If he dies, she dies too. For good this time. (Good!)

 

So, when shadows are start coming to hunt Lydia down wanting to send her in to the very same place she sends them, Anthony is her only weakness (period) and Breaking the curse becomes Lydia’s only option at for survival. If not, their only way out for both of them is an eternity spent in Hell. And that’s not an option. (Great stakes and good ending!)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. [Bio and personalization.]

This is reallyy good, I can tell you're learning a lot about querying from Primordial's query. I mostly tweaked a few preposition and tense issues. I also think you do need to include the connection between Lydia and Anthony and what happened with Lydia's search for the guy who ran over her for this query to make sense. I'm wondering if they are in love with each other, or is it just a deal they made?



#4 CCquinne

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Posted 17 November 2015 - 11:58 AM

I couldn't look the other way when I didn't have anything to add or take out of the query, because the work sounds original to me. I can picture it as movie. :smile:



#5 jennieblaser

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Posted 17 November 2015 - 04:19 PM

Lydia Hale has been dead for the past four hundred years. 

 

Death Angels claimed her doomed soul and ever since she is forced to brand criminals she’s been existing to serve them by branding criminals who deserve one way ticket straight to Hell. Once she wakes up in a makeshift grave after someone run a truck over her immortal body, Lydia only needs to do her job in order to punish her killer: brand him.

 

Anthony Hazael has only one purpose in life: free his father from Hell. In order to do that he needs two things– get a brand and find out Death’s real name. Death must grant whoever can speak it Whoever can speak it, binding him to grant one wish. Yet, asking Death to release one a soul has a repercussions: Anthony never suspected: the Gates of Hell will remain wide open and any tormented soul can now freely waltz out of the Pit. for how long?

 

Cursing Lydia for disclosing his name, Death links Anthony’s mortal body to her immortal one. If he dies, she dies too. For good this time. 

 

So, when shadows are coming to hunt Lydia down wanting to send her in to the very same place she send them, Anthony's mortality handcuffs her is her only weakness and breaking the curse becomes is Lydia’s only option at survival. If not, they will both have to spend eternity in Hell.  only way out for both of them is an eternity spent in Hell. And that’s not an option.  

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. [Bio and personalization.]

 

Overall, this is a solid query. I cleaned up a few grammar spots and reworded things to take out the repetition of the word 'only'. I'd love a return critique.



#6 Mezzanine

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Posted 17 November 2015 - 06:09 PM

Hei guys! I know you are wondering what the hell this girl is doing but I have a lot of imagination and a lot of spare time. So I write. A lot. This is my latest idea, my most recent piece and I was really wondering how the query is going. Hope you like it and comment.

Every critique will be returned, of course. Thank you guys.

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

 

Lydia Hale has been dead for the past four hundred years.

 

Death Angels claimed her doomed soul and ever since she’s been existing (I'd write "lived" as it's shorter) to serve them by branding criminals who deserve one way ticket straight to Hell. (I think this sentence could be shortened, or maybe broken into two sentences) Once she wakes up in a makeshift grave after someone run a truck over her immortal body (this feels too long), Lydia only needs to do her job in order to punish her killer: brand him.

 

Anthony Hazael has only one purpose in life: free his father from Hell. In order to (I'd try not to repeat "in order to...") do that he needs two things–get a brand and find out Death’s real name, binding him to grant one wish. Yet, asking Death to release one soul has a repercussion Anthony never suspected: the Gates of Hell remain wide open and any tormented soul can now freely waltz out of the Pit.

 

Cursing Lydia for disclosing his name, Death links Anthony’s mortal body to her immortal one. If he dies, she dies too. For good this time. (I'd write, "This time for good" as has more impact)

 

So, when shadows are coming to hunt Lydia down wanting to send her in the very same place she send them (this feels too long, beginning with "wanting..."), Anthony is her only weakness and breaking the curse becomes Lydia’s only option at survival. If not, the only way out for both of them is an eternity spent in Hell. And that’s not an option.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. [Bio and personalization.]

 

You're off to a good start. Good luck!

 

(my query: http://agentquerycon...n-at-26/page-2)



#7 9emilylime9

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Posted 20 November 2015 - 08:28 PM

Hei guys! I know you are wondering what the hell this girl is doing but I have a lot of imagination and a lot of spare time. So I write. A lot. This is my latest idea, my most recent piece and I was really wondering how the query is going. Hope you like it and comment.

Every critique will be returned, of course. Thank you guys.

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

 

Lydia Hale has been dead for the past four hundred years.

 

Ever since Death Angels claimed her doomed soul and ever since she’s been existing existed to serve them by branding criminals who deserve a one way ticket straight to Hell. Once she wakes up in a makeshift grave after someone run a truck over her immortal body (this seems out of place and too specific, since you've already explained her power), Lydia only needs to do her job in order to punish her killer: brand him.

 

Anthony Hazael has only one purpose in life: free his father from Hell. In order to do that he needs two things–get a brand and find out Death’s real name,.This bindings him to grant one wish. Yet, asking Death to release one soul has a repercussion Anthony never suspected: the Gates of Hell remain wide open and any tormented soul can now freely waltz out of the Pit.

 

Cursing Lydia for disclosing his name (why does she do that? It seems a little sudden), Death links Anthony’s mortal body to her immortal one. If he dies, she dies too. For good this time.

 

So, when shadows are coming to hunt Lydia down wanting to send her in the very same place she sent them, Anthony is her only weakness and breaking the curse becomes Lydia’s only option at survival is the only way to stop them. If not, the only way out for both of them is an eternity spent in Hell. And that’s not an option.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. [Bio and personalization.]

 

I would do a once-over for spelling and grammar, there are a lot of little mistakes. Content-wise, though, this gives just enough information to explain what's going on, but is also still intriguing. Kudos!



#8 morgansivan

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Posted 21 December 2015 - 06:55 AM

Hei guys! Long time no see. 

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

 

Lydia Hale has been dead for three hundred years.

 

Ever since Death Angels claimed her soul she’s existed to serve them by branding criminals who deserve a one way ticket straight to Hell. Once she wakes up in a makeshift grave, Lydia only needs to do her job in order to punish her killer: brand him.

 

Anthony Hazael has only one purpose in life: free his father from Hell. To do that he needs two things–a brand and Death’s real name. This binds him to grant one wish. Yet, asking Death to release a soul has repercussions: the Gates of Hell will remain wide open and any tormented soul can now freely waltz out of the Pit.

 

As punishment for breaking the rules, Death links Anthony’s mortal body to Lydia's immortal one. If he dies, she dies too. This time for good.

 

When shadows start coming to hunt Lydia down to send her to the same place she sent them, Anthony’s mortality handcuffs her. Breaking the curse becomes Lydia’s only chance at survival. If not, she will cease to exist. And that’s not an option.

 

 

I'm not sure if the punishment is clear enough. Opinions?

 

Thank you guys for reading :).


My NA Fantasy query - Burned Wings http://agentquerycon...y-death-angels/

 


#9 Gibber

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Posted 21 December 2015 - 08:34 AM

Yeah, I don't think the punishment is clear. I don't understand why it's considered a punishment at all (and I really don't understand why death seems to be punishing Lydia). I also don't see the connection between the two mcs aside from some (arbitrary) punishment bringing them together. The other bits (setting up her character and his) were both good and clear, it just got fuzzy after that.



#10 epercak

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Posted 21 December 2015 - 11:55 AM

Hei guys! Long time no see. 

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

 

Lydia Hale has been dead for three hundred years.

 

Ever since Death Angels claimed her soul, (comma) she’s been forced to serve them by branding criminals who deserve a one-way ticket straight to Hell. Because the 'branding of criminals' confused me conceptually, it also makes the following sentence less simple than you want it to be. Once she wakes up in a makeshift grave, Lydia only needs to do her job in order to punish her killer: brand him.

 

Anthony Hazael has only one purpose in life: free his father from Hell. To do that he needs two things–a brand and Death’s real name. This (what does?) binds him (word choice) to grant one wish. Yet, asking Death to release a soul has repercussions: the Gates of Hell will remain wide open and any tormented soul can now freely waltz out of the Pit.

 

As punishment for breaking the rules, Death links Anthony’s mortal body to Lydia's immortal one. If he dies, she dies too. This time for good. (There's a lot of supernatural mythology and rules to follow here. It's tough because you want to want  be specific without raising more questions.)

 

When shadows start coming to hunt Lydia down to send her to the same place she sent them, Anthony’s mortality handcuffs her. Breaking the curse becomes Lydia’s only chance at survival. If not, she will cease to exist. And that’s not an option.

 

 

I'm not sure if the punishment is clear enough. Opinions? I think I understand, but it definitely causes me to pause and reread.

 

Thank you guys for reading :).

 

 

 

I'm intrigued by any story that plays with existing folklore or mythology and redefines it. It sounds like you have some cool, unique ideas here, but they're pretty convoluted at present. The logic of this world isn't intuitive, and, unless the reader really, really concentrates on each sentence, many of the details will be lost. I think you oversimplify some of the basics of the story - I'm not sure what 'Branding Criminals' means.

 

It seems like your query is trying to use the terms your novel uses, but if you ditch the glossary and put it into terms familiar to the reader, it might save you from raising too many questions.

 

 

 

My query if you have the time:

http://agentquerycon...iction-fantasy/



#11 Bill in Memphis

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Posted 21 December 2015 - 12:54 PM

Lydia Hale has been dead for the past was first buried four hundred years ago

 

Death Angels claimed her doomed soul and ever since she is forced to brand criminals she’s been existing to serve them by branding criminals who deserve one way ticket straight to Hell. Once she wakes up in a makeshift grave after someone run a truck over her immortal body, Lydia only needs to do her job in order to punish her killer: brand him.

 

Anthony Hazael has only one purpose in life: free his father from Hell. In order to do that he needs two things– get a brand and find out Death’s real name. Death must grant whoever can speak it Whoever can speak it, binding him to grant one wish. Yet, asking Death to release one a soul has a repercussions: Anthony never suspected: the Gates of Hell will remain wide open and any tormented soul can now freely waltz out of the Pit. for how long?

 

Cursing Lydia for disclosing his name, Death links Anthony’s mortal body to her immortal one. If he dies, she dies too. For good this time. 

 

So, when shadows are coming to hunt Lydia down wanting to send her in to the very same place she send them, Anthony's mortality handcuffs her is her only weakness and breaking the curse becomes is Lydia’s only option at survival. If not, they will both have to spend eternity in Hell.  only way out for both of them is an eternity spent in Hell. And that’s not an option.  

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. [Bio and personalization.]

 

Overall, this is a solid query. I cleaned up a few grammar spots and reworded things to take out the repetition of the word 'only'. I'd love a return critique.

 

I like this poster's take on things, and will only ask a few questions to clarify what suggestions I might have.

 

She is dead...does she have a physical body, or a spiritual one? Presumably it's physical, since she gets buried, which is fine and all, but obviously she is automatically resurrected in some way. So, you will see my suggested edit above, based on this premise. The idea that 'so and so has been dead for a while' blends into the whole vampire/zombie thing, which we are told agents are sick of. Therefore, I have worded it differently so you might get past the initial 'Oh God, not another one," thing.


Follow me on twitter @jointhebrigade1

 

Please visit my website and blog at: http://thelastbrigade.com/

 


#12 morgansivan

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Posted 22 December 2015 - 01:43 PM

Thank you guys for commenting. You are the best!

@Bill, to answer your question, Lydia has a body that doesn't function anymore. She doesn't have a soul either. She is simply existing to serve the DA's and she likes it. I mean, who wouldn't? Punish criminals who do awful things would be great in real life. 

 

Dear Agent,

 

 

The first time Lydia Hale died was by being burned at stake for witchcraft. Three hundred years later, she is one of the 666 Death Angels who are roaming Earth in order to mark criminals for Death to claim their doomed souls.

 

Now, after countless deaths along the years, one more isn’t something Lydia worries about. The guy who run his truck over her immortal body is going to be branded and punished for his reckless decision. And she only needs to do her job.

 

Anthony Hazael has only one purpose: free his father from Hell. To do that he needs two things–a brand and Death’s real name, constraining him to grant one wish. Letting Lydia believe he is the one who killed her isn’t the ideal way to ask for a brand but it’s definitely his last.

 

Giving the brand as punishment, and the name out of spite, Lydia seals her own fate without realizing it. The curse that follows is the only thing she didn’t have to fear until now. Because Anthony’s mortal body is now linked to her immortal one. If he dies, she dies too. This time for good.

 

When shadows start coming to hunt Lydia down to send her to the same place she sent them, Anthony’s mortality handcuffs her. Breaking the curse becomes Lydia’s only chance at survival. Because she is trapped and her death is Anthony.

 

 

I tried a pretty different query. Please let me know if is better than the last or not. Than you for reading/commenting/taking your time ;).


My NA Fantasy query - Burned Wings http://agentquerycon...y-death-angels/

 


#13 trezvani

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Posted 22 December 2015 - 03:02 PM

Dear Agent,

 

The first time Lydia Hale died, she was was by being burned at the stake for witchcraft. Three hundred years later, she is one of the 666 Death Angels who are roaming Earth in order to mark criminals for Death to claim their doomed souls.

 

Now, after countless deaths along over the years, one more isn’t something Lydia worries about. The guy who run ran his truck over her immortal body is going to be branded and punished for his reckless decision. She's only doing her job. And she only needs to do her job.

 

Anthony Hazael has only one purpose: to free his father from Hell. To do that he needs two things–a brand and Death’s real name, constraining (I'm not sure constraining is the right word) him to grant one wish. Letting Lydia believe he is the one who killed her isn’t the ideal way to ask for a brand but it’s definitely his last. (I haven't read earlier versions of your query, so maybe I missed something, but how would Anthony have killed her? Is he from the past? This query makes it sound like he's living in the present. Is he a Death Angel too?)

 

Giving the brand as punishment, and the name out of spite, Lydia seals her own fate without realizing it. (I'm sure this makes sense in your book, but I'm left wondering how she could be so dumb as to give Death's real name...that sounds like it'd have been in Death Angel Training 101.) The curse that follows is the only thing she didn’t have to fear until now. Because Anthony’s mortal body is now linked to her immortal one. If he dies, she dies too. (So she isn't really immortal anymore due to the curse. Maybe you could say something like, "Her mortality is now linked to Anthony's.") This time for good.

 

When shadows start coming to hunt Lydia down to send her to the same place she sent them, Anthony’s mortality handcuffs her. Breaking the curse becomes Lydia’s only chance at survival. Because she is trapped and her death is Anthony. (I like what you're implying with these last few lines, but I think the language could be much more powerful and less choppy.)


If you'd like to critique my query letter, it can be found here. Thanks in advance!  :smile:


#14 morgansivan

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Posted 05 January 2016 - 06:50 AM

Thank you trezvani for your comments. They were right on spot. Here is a new version.

 

Dear Agent,

 

The first time Lydia Hale died, she was burned at the stake for witchcraft. Being Death’s only child, Lydia had a special ability that brought her ending. Three hundred years later, she is one of the 666 Death Angels roaming Earth in order to mark criminals for Death to claim their doomed souls.

 

Now, after countless deaths over the years, one more isn’t something Lydia worries about. The guy who ran his truck over her immortal body is going to be branded and punished for his reckless decision. She’s only doing her job.

 

Anthony Hazael has one purpose: to free his father from Hell. To do that he needs two things–a brand and Death’s real name, in exchange binding him to grant one wish. Letting Lydia believe he is the one who drove the truck that temporarily killed her is his last resort at getting what he needs.

 

Giving the brand as punishment, and the name to spite her father, Lydia seals her own fate. Death is ragging and the punishment for disobedience is a curse that links Anthony’s mortality to Lydia’s body.

 

Breaking the curse becomes Lydia’s only option at survival. As demons start hunting her down is only a matter of time before one of them figures that Lydia can die for good if the human attached to her soul does. Because she is damned and Anthony’s her death.

 

 

Question: is enough informaiton here to understand that Death is Lydia's father and she wanted to spite him and that's why she gave away the name? (There is more to the story but I can't reveal it in the query.) 

 

Thank you guys for reading/commenting. You are the best. 


My NA Fantasy query - Burned Wings http://agentquerycon...y-death-angels/

 


#15 Veldehar

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Posted 05 January 2016 - 10:41 AM

I ran out of time while in the middle of giving some suggestions, just thoughts on how it might be approached.  Hopefully they give you some ideas!

 

 

 

Thank you trezvani for your comments. They were right on spot. Here is a new version.

 

Dear Agent,

 

The first time Lydia Hale died, she was burned at the stake for witchcraft. Being Death’s only child, Lydia had a special ability that brought her ending.  Three hundred years later, she is one of the 666 Death Angels roaming Earth in order to mark criminals for Death to and claim their doomed souls. Although not a bad sounding hook, I think the first line could be more forceful, less passive. Second line, again, could be better IMO. Personally, if you aren't going to reveal the special ability don't mention it.  I might open something like:

 

Burnt at the stake for Witchcraft in 1715, Lydia Hale first realized there were ups and downs in being death's only child. Today she roams the Earth as one of 666 Death Angels, marking criminals for death and collecting their souls. 

 

Now, after countless deaths over the years, one more isn’t something Lydia worries about. The guy who ran his truck over her immortal body is going to be branded and punished for his reckless decision. She’s only doing her job.

 

When her immortal body is run over by some schmuck, it is nothing for to her seek out and brand the man for punishment to repay his reckless decision, condemning him to death. It's her job.

 

Anthony Hazael has one purpose: to free his father from Hell. To do that he needs two things–a brand and Death’s real name, in exchange binding him to grant one wish. Letting Lydia believe he is the one who drove the truck that temporarily killed her is his last resort at getting what he needs.

 

Giving the brand as punishment, and the name to spite her father, Lydia seals her own fate. Death is ragging = raging and the punishment for disobedience is a curse that links Anthony’s mortality to Lydia’s body.

 

Breaking the curse becomes Lydia’s only option at survival. As demons start hunting her down is only a matter of time before one of them figures that Lydia can die for good if the human attached to her soul does. Because she is damned and Anthony’s her death.

 

 

Question: is enough informaiton here to understand that Death is Lydia's father and she wanted to spite him and that's why she gave away the name? (There is more to the story but I can't reveal it in the query.) 

 

Thank you guys for reading/commenting. You are the best. 



#16 Carolynne Nelson

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Posted 05 January 2016 - 06:43 PM

I ran out of time while in the middle of giving some suggestions, just thoughts on how it might be approached.  Hopefully they give you some ideas!

 

 

I am gonna agree with Veldehar

 

morgansivan, on 05 Jan 2016 - 03:49 AM, said:snapback.png

Thank you trezvani for your comments. They were right on spot. Here is a new version.

 

Dear Agent,

 

The first time Lydia Hale died, she was burned at the stake for witchcraft. Being Death’s only child, Lydia had a special ability that brought her ending.  Three hundred years later, she is one of the 666 Death Angels roaming Earth in order to mark criminals for Death to and claim their doomed souls. Although not a bad sounding hook, I think the first line could be more forceful, less passive. Second line, again, could be better IMO. Personally, if you aren't going to reveal the special ability don't mention it.  I might open something like:

 

Burnt at the stake for Witchcraft in 1715, Lydia Hale first realized there were ups and downs to being death's only child. Today she roams the Earth as one of 666 Death Angels, marking criminals for death and collecting their souls. 

 

Now, after countless deaths over the years, one more isn’t something Lydia worries about. The guy who ran his truck over her immortal body is going to be branded and punished for his reckless decision. She’s only doing her job. haha Although, this seems kinda random.

 

When her immortal body is run over by some schmuck, it is nothing for to her seek out and brand the man for punishment to repay his reckless decision, condemning him to death. It's her job.

 

Anthony Hazael has one purpose: to free his father from Hell. To do that he needs two things–a brand and Death’s real name, in exchange binding him to grant one wish. Letting Lydia believe he is the one who drove the truck that temporarily killed her is his last resort at getting what he needs.

 

Giving the brand as punishment, and the name to spite her father, Lydia seals her own fate. Death is ragging = raging and the punishment for disobedience is a curse that links Anthony’s mortality to Lydia’s body. Cool.

 

Breaking the curse becomes Lydia’s only option at survival. As demons start hunting her down, its is only a matter of time before one of them figures that Lydia can die for good if the human attached to her soul does. Because she is damned and Anthony’s her death. This is kind of awkward. Perhaps rephrase it a little?

 

Hope this helps! Good luck!

 

Question: is enough informaiton here to understand that Death is Lydia's father and she wanted to spite him and that's why she gave away the name? (There is more to the story but I can't reveal it in the query.) 

 

Thank you guys for reading/commenting. You are the best.


I'd appreciate if you'd take a look at my query here, DARKEST DAYS

 


#17 morgansivan

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Posted 24 January 2016 - 03:11 AM

Hei there guys! I have a new version. I put the last paragraph in red because I'm not sure at all about it. Some advice, pretty please?

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

 

Lydia Hale has been dead for three hundred years.

 

Burnt at the stake for witchcraft in 1690, she realized the only option at survival was to take up on her father’s offer: become one of his Death Angels. Today she roams Earth as an immortal corpse, marking criminals for Death to collect their souls.

 

Once she wakes up in a makeshift grave, Lydia remains unfazed. The guy who did this to her is going to be branded and punished for his reckless decision. She’s only doing her job.

 

Anthony Hazael has one purpose: to free his father from Hell. To do that he needs two things–a brand and Death’s real name, in exchange binding him to grant one wish. Letting Lydia believe he is the one who drove the truck that temporarily killed her is his last resort at getting what he needs.

 

Giving the brand as punishment, and the name to spite her father, Lydia seals her own fate. Death is raging and the punishment for disobedience is a curse that links Anthony’s mortality to Lydia’s body.

 

The Rules of Hell are broken. Demons start coming back to life, and Lydia might lose her soul once and for all unless redemption follows. Unless the curse is broken, there’s no way out.

 

Because she is damned and Anthony’s her death.

 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.


My NA Fantasy query - Burned Wings http://agentquerycon...y-death-angels/

 


#18 apac

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Posted 24 January 2016 - 07:14 AM

Hi Morgansivan,

 

Thanks for sharing your work. The character of Lydia very much intrigued me, she seems like a real bad-ass! For your next draft, I would work on clarifying the plot here and the hook. I noted several instances that just didn't really make sense to me an where i did not follow at all. Clarify the connections and the plot points. 

 

Also the whole "undead" theme has been done quite a bit as I am sure you know, I would add some unique details and really spice it up to show your *extra cool* take on this trope. 

 

Good luck!

 

Best,

 

apac

 

 

Hei there guys! I have a new version. I put the last paragraph in red because I'm not sure at all about it. Some advice, pretty please?

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

 

Lydia Hale has been dead for three hundred years. (I get what you are trying here. But not sure it's working. Pretty much anyone who died in 1690 has been dead for 300 years. :) What I think you mean is that she died, yet lives? Also "Has been dead" is a clunky verb tense. Try "Since the day Lydia Hale died three hundred years ago, she roams the earth as..." or something along those lines that delivers your hook cleanly.)

 

Burnt at the stake for witchcraft in 1690, she realized ("thought" verb, I would avoid in a query. Focus on action verbs e.g., "she fought to survive, ultimately became a..." or whatever makes sense for your story.) the only option at survival was to take up on her father’s offer: become one of his Death Angels. Today she roams Earth as an immortal corpse, marking criminals for Death to collect their souls. (I don't understand this - does Death only collect criminals' souls in your story? Or do you mean the devil? Or some other devil-like being? I would think Death collects the good guys too. Just a thought to maybe eludicate here.)

 

Once she wakes up in a makeshift grave, Lydia remains unfazed (blah sentance, consider cutting.). The guy who did this to her is going to be branded and punished for his reckless decision. She’s only doing her job. (you mean the guy who accused her of witchcraft right? I would clarify and add this to paragraph above)

 

Anthony Hazael has one purpose: to free his father from Hell. To do that he needs two things–a brand and Death’s real name, in exchange binding him to grant one wish (I don't understand the exchange part, I would clarify). Letting Lydia believe he is the one who drove the truck that temporarily killed her is his last resort at getting what he needs. (make this connection clearer please. Also is this a romance? Hint at their connection if so.)

 

Giving the brand as punishment, and the name to spite her father, Lydia seals her own fate. Death is raging and the punishment for disobedience is a curse that links Anthony’s mortality to Lydia’s body. (these sentances are kind of hard to follow, explian the curse better too, need some clarification.)

 

The Rules of Hell are broken. Demons start coming back to life, and Lydia might lose her soul once and for all unless redemption follows. Unless the curse is broken, there’s no way out.  (so she goes down to hell? Explain better.)

 

Because she is damned and Anthony’s her death. 

 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. (comp titles word count, genre here)



#19 NoelDwyer

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Posted 24 January 2016 - 10:03 AM

Watch your prepositions. You have a number of them that are just slightly off in all your queries, and it keeps throwing me--and may throw an agent too.

 

Otherwise, it's a neat premise and sounds like a solid story. =)

 

 

Hei there guys! I have a new version. I put the last paragraph in red because I'm not sure at all about it. Some advice, pretty please?

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

 

Lydia Hale has been dead for three hundred years. I agree with an above poster that something about the dead-but-walking-around may be more of a hook. (Maybe even start with the most recent event, rather than the backstory: "Lydia wakes in a shallow grave after being hit by a truck," and then something to characterize her reaction: "She sighs. Just another day at the office" or "After three hundred years of this, she's getting bored" or "She wonders if there's time to get cleaned up and get coffee before she has to die again." ...Probably not any of those specifically, but something about the starkness of waking up in a grave and it having become pretty dull for her.

 

Burnt at the stake for witchcraft in 1690, she realized But she probably didn't "just realize," right? She was burned at the stake and Death offered her a choice. the only option at "chance at" or "option for" survival was to take up on her father’s Might want to be clear off the bat who her father is. offer: become one of his Death Angels. Today she roams Earth as an immortal corpse, marking criminals for Death to collect their souls. This might be a good moment to tell us what she thinks of this. It sounds like she's really not pleased, but if she's going to react out of spite a few paragraphs down, it could help to understand how angry she is at Death, and why.

 

Once When she wakes up in a makeshift grave, Lydia remains unfazed. The guy who did this to her is going to be branded and punished for his reckless decision. Odd word choice--it's hard to picture her assuming he *decided* to hit a pedestrian, even if that's what he did. People so rarely do that on purpose. She’s only doing her job.

 

Anthony Hazael has one purpose goal?: to free his father from Hell ... so many questions. Which is fine, but it's possible there's some brief amount of color you could give so I have the characterization better. Is his father an awful guy but Anthony has been bullied into worshiping the guy enough to break him out of hell? Or does he believe his father was wrongly damned? How does he KNOW? Anthony clearly has a bunch of knowledge and/or abilities unlike other people--he knows his father's damnation status, he knows how to cheat death, he identifies Lydia as someone who works for Death--how?? You don't need to answer all of it, but at the moment I have zero characterization for this guy, and it's possible the answers to some of those questions would give me a better picture of him.

 

To do that he needs two things–a brand Is this a mark on his body? It may be that "brand on his arm" (or back/forehead/whatever) makes it clearer what kind of brand we're talking about. and Death’s real name, in exchange binding him to grant one wish. which will let him force Death to grant him one wish. Letting Lydia believe he is the one who drove the truck that temporarily killed her There's a lot implied in here, like the fact that it sounds like it was actually somebody else who did it--give me more of a moment? How the heck did Anthony know she was one of Death's henchpeople? It sounds like Anthony saw her get hit by a truck and recognized (How??) that she was one of the people who brand evil-doers, and he switched places with the actual truck driver. Maybe give us more about that moment?

 

is his last resort at preposition trouble/word choice issue. "Last chance at" maybe? getting what he needs.

 

Giving the brand as punishment, and the name to spite her father, It sounds like this is a long explanation, but it seems like this moment has a lot to do with who Lydia is, and I don't think I really understand why she gives the name--spite about what? If it's this easy to bind Death, she's got to be pretty aware that you don't give this name out too often, spite or not. I think this moment is worth spending a little time on.

 

Lydia seals her own fate. Death is raging and the punishment for disobedience is a Kind of passive, given how angry Death is. "Furious, Death punishes Lydia by linking her mortality to Anthony's own: if he dies, she dies. And if Lydia dies, there's only one place her soul is going." ...Or something. curse that links Anthony’s mortality to Lydia’s body.

 

The Rules of Hell are broken. Demons start coming back to life, and Lydia might lose her soul once and for all unless redemption follows. "Unless redemption follows" feels kind of vague and passive, especially when you're talking about redemption. She's going to hell unless she ... what? Unless the curse is broken, there’s no way out. It kind of sounds like there are two ways out--she redeems herself and goes to (is it heaven? whatever the not-hell option is in this story) or she gets her immortality back and doesn't go anywhere. Is that right?

 

Because she is damned and Anthony’s her death. I know what you're going for, but it's a little confusingly phrased. "Anthony is" would help, but I'm just not sure this has the punch you want it to.

 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.



#20 morgansivan

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Posted 07 February 2016 - 12:44 PM

Thank you apac and NoelDwyer for your comments :D. You pointed out so many things, I'm amazed I didn't see them in the first place.

 

Here's a new attempt.

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Lydia Hale never asked to be an immortal corpse without a soul. She didn’t ask for her witch mother to whore herself to Death and conceive her. She didn’t ask to be burned at the stake for her mother’s mistake, and become one of her father’s Death Angels. Now, 300 years later, her only job is to roam Earth marking criminals for Death to collect their souls.

 

Waking up in a makeshift grave is the last thing she worries about. Especially just after Death announced her that her mother will be released from Hell. The most powerful witch of all times coming after her seeking revenge wasn’t supposed to happen. Because no one walks out of Hell unless the gates are opened.

 

Anthony Hazael’s only resolution is to free his father from Hell. Wrongly damned for a crime he didn’t commit, his dying wish was to not spend the rest of eternity in the Pit. Teaching Anthony all about the hidden race Death created, he urges him to find Lydia, and Lydia only without disclosing his ulterior motives.

 

All he needs now is Lydia’s brand and Death’s real name, biding him to grant one wish. Burying Lydia into the woods was not a part of Anthony’s plan. Giving the brand as punishment, and the name as revenge on her father’s threat, Lydia seals her own fate. Death is raging and punishes Lydia by linking Anthony’s mortality to her body: if he dies, she ceases to exist.

 

Up until her mother is freed from Hell, she has to break the curse. If not, the only way out for Lydia is oblivion, and she didn’t fought this long to stay alive so the woman who killed her once gets to do it again. Hell no!


My NA Fantasy query - Burned Wings http://agentquerycon...y-death-angels/

 






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