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DANCING ON EDGES (YA contemporary fantasy) -- query hook


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#1 Ireth

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Posted 21 November 2015 - 01:44 PM

Like the title says. I just can't seem to perfect the hook for my query of this story. I'm trying to strike a balance between the MC's gender (Loren is biologically intersex, identifies as intergender, and uses the pronoun "they"), which is integral to the character's internal conflict and the theme of the story, and the external conflict of humans vs. vampires and eventually everyone vs. Loren and their friend Stephen (a dhampir). I've been advised not to spend too many words establishing Loren's gender if it's not important to the primary conflict, but no matter what I do people get confused and misgender them -- even if I spell out their identity in the first sentence.

 

I'm having trouble even posting an example right now because I keep constantly rewriting the hook. It's frustrating to no end. ._.;

 

 


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#2 Ireth

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Posted 21 November 2015 - 06:42 PM

Okay, so I've finally nailed down something I'm mostly happy with. I'm just not sure if it works or not.

 

Seventeen-year-old Loren Brooks doesn’t fit into the supposed (not sure about this word) male/female binary; their new friend Stephen doesn’t fit into the human/vampire one. It’s a serendipitous friendship that will get them both into a whole lot of trouble.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#3 K.J. Harrowick

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Posted 21 November 2015 - 07:42 PM

Aw man... I see your dilemma.  I had to do a double-take at 'their', and remember what you said about the pronoun.  Something like that, I'd almost recommend creating a fantasy pronoun/word to use specifically for this gender case. Though for a hook, it would suck to try and explain it.  :biggrin: 

 

But, that aside... I agree with your uncertainty about the word 'supposed'. It feels like it should be in quotes, but it also feels ambiguous in an otherwise precise statement.  However, if you lose the word, it makes the 'male/female binary' phrase a bit confusing.  Would a word like 'scientific' work?

 

It's a good hook, but the final sentence feels like it needs a teensy bit more punch.

 

Good luck! :wub:


hcrp_175.jpg
 
"It was ancient, with the whispers of a thousand memories etched on its walls and forgotten with the slow sands of time."
~Excerpt from Bloodflower

 

Secrets of Sgådnor: First 250 | Query | Hook

Bloodflower: *coming soon*


#4 Ireth

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Posted 21 November 2015 - 07:53 PM

Thanks for the feedback, K. J. Murphy! As this story takes place in the real world (albeit in a fictional town and with vampires), I'd really rather not make up a whole new pronoun for Loren. "They" is the only one I can use that would be totally true to Loren's character. I'm not sure about the word scientific in the first sentence, either. What would you suggest to give the second sentence more "punch"?


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#5 K.J. Harrowick

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Posted 21 November 2015 - 08:08 PM

Yeah, scientific seems almost too precise.  Theoretical too vague.  I definitely see what you're aligning there though. :smile:

 

For the last sentence, I think it's the word 'trouble'. It's so vague that it leaves me with more questions than answers. What kind of trouble would these two get in? Is it life-threatening? I wonder if there's a strong word out there (or phrase) that can really give the reader a precise kick.

 

Of course, I say this knowing my own query/hook has all kinds of vagueness in it... :humph:


hcrp_175.jpg
 
"It was ancient, with the whispers of a thousand memories etched on its walls and forgotten with the slow sands of time."
~Excerpt from Bloodflower

 

Secrets of Sgådnor: First 250 | Query | Hook

Bloodflower: *coming soon*


#6 Ireth

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Posted 21 November 2015 - 08:13 PM

Hmm... how about, "It's a serendipitous friendship that might cost them both [or "both of them"] their lives." ?


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#7 K.J. Harrowick

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Posted 21 November 2015 - 08:18 PM

^That.  Much stronger. :wub:


hcrp_175.jpg
 
"It was ancient, with the whispers of a thousand memories etched on its walls and forgotten with the slow sands of time."
~Excerpt from Bloodflower

 

Secrets of Sgådnor: First 250 | Query | Hook

Bloodflower: *coming soon*


#8 dkorngold

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Posted 27 November 2015 - 12:49 PM

Hey Ireth interesting dillema but I would say her/his instead of their when it comes up. It makes the issue perfectly to the reader. otherwise very exciting hook.

 

Seventeen-year-old Loren Brooks doesn’t fit into the familiar male/female binary; and Loren's new friend Stephen doesn’t fit into the usual human/vampire one. It’s a serendipitous friendship that will get them both into a whole lot of trouble.



#9 Ireth

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Posted 27 November 2015 - 01:25 PM

Thanks, dkorngold, but I'm going to stick with "they". Loren is intersex, and thus using he or she would be inappropriate. The whole point of the hook is to highlight that.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#10 Dr.Deb

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Posted 27 November 2015 - 04:16 PM

Hi Ireth

 

YOURS: Seventeen-year-old Loren Brooks doesn’t fit into the supposed (not sure about this word) male/female binary; their new friend Stephen doesn’t fit into the human/vampire one. It’s a serendipitous friendship that will get them both into a whole lot of trouble.

 

 

I must say - you have got a real challenge here. Everything in language is so gendered. My first question is - how did you write the book?  When you refer to Loren in your sentences, do you say he or she?  Using the word their is really problematic because it sounds like there are two people.

 

But to be honest, that is not what tripped me up. It was your use of the word binary.  It is a highly technical word that may not be terribly accessible to most readers. Do we really refer to male/female binaries in natural conversation?  Could you try addressing this issue?  Maybe something like...

 

Seventeen year old Loren Brooks fits somewhere between both male and female identities.  Her new friend Stephen fits somewhere between human and vampire. Their a serendipitous friendship, built on the edges of society is tones of fun, but it will get them both into a lot of trouble. 

 

 

Any help you can provide with my hook for LADY WITH AN ERMINE would be MUCH appreciated!

 

Dr. Deb



#11 Ireth

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Posted 27 November 2015 - 04:24 PM

Thanks for your input, Dr. Deb. As I've mentioned in previous posts, the book is written in first person from Loren's POV, so I easily dodge the issue of using "they" all the time (except when Loren introduces themselves to people). But that is and always will be their pronoun, which is much of the point of the book (and my choice with the character).


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#12 Dr.Deb

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Posted 27 November 2015 - 05:44 PM

how about this....

 

Seventeen year old Loren Brooks fits somewhere between both male and female identities.  Loren's new friend Stephen fits somewhere between human and vampire. Their a serendipitous friendship, built on the edges of society is tones of fun, but it will get them both into a lot of trouble.

 

maybe you could just get rid of the word they, their, etc. by using Loren's name again.  And then you could reflect the binary nature of Loren in the rest of your query - when you have a few more sentences to help clarify this rather challenging issue (both grammatically and societally).  Best of luck. The book sounds very compelling.



#13 Wrenware

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Posted 27 November 2015 - 08:14 PM

This is an interesting challenge. On the one hand, your character's unusual gender is a hook that makes them interesting. On the other hand, your chosen pronoun is something that might make an agent need to read your hook twice, which is always a worrying notion. 

 

I'm in favour of Dr. Deb's solution, which is to sidestep the issue entirely by using Loren's name in the hook twice. Something like this:

 

Seventeen-year-old Loren Brooks fits somewhere between male and female.  Loren's new friend Stephen fits somewhere between human and vampire. Theirs a serendipitous friendship, built on the edges of society, and it's going to get them both into a lot of trouble.
 
In the end, I think it's more important for the query hook to highlight the main character than to highlight a pronoun; I believe having an intersex protagonist is still unusual, so just mentioning that Loren isn't in the traditional male/female binary should be enough to get the agent's attention, and you don't want anything to muddy the waters around that.
 
As someone who's relatively fond of formal experimentation, I think it's important for us writers to remember that literary agents spend a significant amount of their time reading query letters written by, not to put too fine a point on it, crazy people. And these crazy people may well use terms like "his" "her" and "their" seemingly at random. (I once read of a literary agent who received a query letter in crayon). So it's very important to get the agent to read as much of your query letter as possible before you start doing anything formally unusual (like, say, using a non-standard pronoun), because you want to reassure them that you're a sane person who has thought carefully about your word choice, and knows what they're doing. 

If this comment has been helpful to you, please take a look at my query letter! 


#14 StephenLost

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Posted 11 December 2015 - 07:58 PM

Seventeen-year-old Loren Brooks doesn’t fit into the traditional male/female mold; her new friend Stephen doesn’t fit into a living one. It’s a serendipitous friendship that will cost them both.

 

 

I understand your frustration. Fitting a complex idea under a 250 word bow is annoying.  Just keep running through ideas the right one will come.

 

Looking for return critiques here.  http://agentquerycon...terary-fiction/



#15 Ireth

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Posted 11 December 2015 - 08:13 PM

Seventeen-year-old Loren Brooks doesn’t fit into the traditional male/female mold; her new friend Stephen doesn’t fit into a living one. It’s a serendipitous friendship that will cost them both.

 

 

I understand your frustration. Fitting a complex idea under a 250 word bow is annoying.  Just keep running through ideas the right one will come.

 

Looking for return critiques here.  http://agentquerycon...terary-fiction/

 

As always, Loren's pronoun is they, not she/her. Your edit also eliminates the stakes, what the friendship will cost them. That's kind of important.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#16 Preston Copeland.Biz

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Posted 23 December 2015 - 01:40 PM

YOURS: Seventeen-year-old Loren Brooks doesn’t fit into the supposed (not sure about this word) male/female binary; their new friend Stephen doesn’t fit into the human/vampire one. It’s a serendipitous friendship that will get them both into a whole lot of trouble.

 

 

I think Dr. D had the best hook suggestion. Seventeen year old Loren Brooks fits somewhere between both male and female identities.  Loren's new friend Stephen fits somewhere between human and vampire. Their a serendipitous friendship, built on the edges of society is tones of fun, but it will get them both into a lot of trouble.

 

 

My suggested hook--    It's not that easy to make up your mind when your half-male. And Loren's new friend, Stephen, has his own dilemma--he's half-vampire. (oh and of course sprinkle some stakes in here) 

 

(with this set-up, the "they" which you so desperately want to cling onto at the expense of your book, is implied, leaving you grateful and satisfied) leaving the "their" is one of those things that can make or break your hook, so keeping it is a chance you should most certainly not think twice about.


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#17 Ireth

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Posted 23 December 2015 - 01:46 PM

I like the idea behind your hook, but the term "half-male" really stuck out to me as problematic. "Half-vampire" works, but there's a simpler term for that: dhampir. Just like "intergender" and/or "intersex" is the right term for Loren's body and identity. I'm having trouble handling the terminology without throwing agents or readers off right away.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#18 Wrenware

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Posted 23 December 2015 - 05:23 PM

I just want to pop up to counsel against using the word "dhampir" in your hook.

 

Much like "wholphin" it is a real word for a hybrid creature, and much like "wholphin" it a) sounds faintly ridiculous and b) isn't super-prevalent in the pop-cultural lexicon.

 

If your agent reads a lot of vampire fiction, they may well get it, but otherwise I think it could risk throwing them off. 


If this comment has been helpful to you, please take a look at my query letter! 


#19 Ireth

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Posted 24 December 2015 - 12:27 AM

I just want to pop up to counsel against using the word "dhampir" in your hook.

 

Much like "wholphin" it is a real word for a hybrid creature, and much like "wholphin" it a) sounds faintly ridiculous and b) isn't super-prevalent in the pop-cultural lexicon.

 

If your agent reads a lot of vampire fiction, they may well get it, but otherwise I think it could risk throwing them off. 

 

I don't see that as a reason not to include it. If it's necessary I can always explain it in the text, but I'm not going to actively avoid the word. And if my agent does read vampire fiction, all the better.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#20 Wrenware

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Posted 24 December 2015 - 06:06 AM

Oh yes, I see what you mean; sorry, I should have stipulated I meant including it as a term in the letter without explanation would be risky, because unlike "vampire," it isn't a bit of nomenclature everyone knows. I wasn't saying you should avoid the word at all costs.

 

I don't think it's a super-effective word for a hook, though. This is just my personal preference, but anyone can tell what "Steven is half-human, half-vampire," means (or something along those lines), and it's a nice thrilling sort of sentence.  Whereas "Steven is a dhampire," may cause some people to wonder, "What's a dhampire?" It's probably fine if you explain it in the text of the letter ("Steven is a dhampire--half-vampire, half-human") but it's just a concern you can avoid altogether.


If this comment has been helpful to you, please take a look at my query letter! 





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