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YA psychological thriller, will return the favor


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#1 suja

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Posted 09 December 2015 - 11:22 AM

Newer version #83

 

I'd appreciate any help on refining this query. I'm still working on the title. Thanks :smile:

 

For seventeen-year old Tanvi, her cousin’s death is nothing but a memory, albeit a painful one. Until the day she returns from school to find Mimi’s name scrawled across the bedroom wall and her aunt wandering the woods searching for her daughter.

 

With her delusional aunt insisting Mimi is alive, Tanvi digs for clues related to the cold case and stumbles upon a missing diary. In its pages, her cousin detailed a murder plot. And Tanvi realizes the dead body in the stream was supposed to be hers, not Mimi’s.

 

Then a girl bearing an uncanny resemblance to Mimi moves in next door, and Tanvi starts having flashbacks, of candles and incense, of whispers behind closed doors and black magic rituals. Hours later, her neighbor is found dead, and Tanvi realizes she could be the next victim.

 

To survive, she must find the real reason behind Mimi’s death. But, seeking the truth in the diary’s pages and her own memories could mean unearthing secrets about herself and her family, secrets left buried for a reason. Like her mother’s insanity, and the darkness she fears she’s inherited.

 

Survival could come at the cost of Tanvi’s sanity.

 

(Still working on title) is (approx word count). Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.



#2 Anna.k

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Posted 09 December 2015 - 02:43 PM

Hey, this sounds creepily exciting!

A couple suggestions...your hook is not really a hook.. I would either change it or maybe pair it with the second sentence. And it's unclear at first whether the cousin is Mimi or someone else.

Also, incense and candles seems vague, what do these flashbacks entail, really? How was black magic involved? Maybe more of a hint is needed.

Conclusion, you go from the dangers of uncovering family secrets to survival, so you may want to tie these together in the final idea.

Overall, I understand the vibe, just needs a few tweaks! 



#3 Carolinahdzz

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Posted 09 December 2015 - 03:53 PM

Hello Suja,

 

I've made a few changes to your query, maybe you'll fidn them useful.

 

For seventeen-year old Tanvi, her cousin’s death is nothing but a memory, albeit a painful one only a painful memory. Until the day she returns from school to find Mimi’s name (Who is Mimi? Is that her cousin?) scrawled across the bedroom wall (who’s bedroom wall?) and her aunt wandering the woods searching for her deceased daughter.

 

With her delusional aunt insisting Mimi is still alive, Tanvi digs for clues related to the cold case and stumbles upon a missing disregarded diary. In its pages, her cousin Mimi detailed a murder plot. And Tara (who is Tara?) realizes the dead body in the stream was supposed to be hers, not Mimi’s.

 

Then, a girl bearing an of uncanny resemblance to Mimi moves in next door, and Tanvi starts having flashbacks, of candles and incense. of Of whispers behind closed doors and black magic rituals. Hours later, her neighbor is found dead, and Tanvi realizes she could be the next victim. (why?)

 

To survive, she must find the real reason behind Mimi’s death. But, seeking the truth in the diary’s pages and her own memories could mean unearthing secrets about herself and her family, secrets left buried for a reason. Like her mother’s insanity, and the darkness she fears she’s she has inherited.

 

Survival could come at the cost of Tanvi’s sanity.

 

....

 

The premise is interesting, but I’m left out with many lingering questions.

 

Is the aunt thinking her daughter is still alive because she’s gone mad? And if so, why now?
The girl that moves next door is an interesting factor, but it’s not explained why it’s important or who is she. I’d try to cover less ground and explain a little more what you think are the most important factors within your story.

 

You did a nice job though, you just need to polish it a little more.



#4 suja

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Posted 09 December 2015 - 05:07 PM

Thank you so much. Here is the revised version:

 

For seventeen-year old Tanvi, her cousin’s death is a painful memory, until the day she returns home to find her cousin’s name scrawled across the wall and her aunt wandering the woods searching for her deceased daughter.

 

Tanvi realizes her new neighbor, a girl bearing an uncanny resemblance to Mimi, has triggered her aunt’s delusions. With her aunt insisting her cousin is still alive, Tanvi digs for clues related to the cold case and stumbles upon a diary. In its pages, her cousin detailed a murder plot. And Tanvi realizes the dead body in the stream was supposed to be hers, not her cousin’s.

 

Then a classmate, who’d taunted her at a party, drowns in the same stream, and suspicion falls on Tanvi.  

 

To prove her innocence, she must find the real reason behind her cousin’s death. But, seeking the truth in the diary’s pages and her own memories could mean unearthing secrets about herself and her family, secrets left buried for a reason. Like her mother’s insanity, and the darkness she fears she’s inherited.



#5 swimwritesurf

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Posted 09 December 2015 - 05:26 PM

This sounds really interesting! Good luck with further revisions, hope mine helped

Thank you so much. Here is the revised version:

 

For seventeen-year old Tanvi, her cousin’s death is a painful memory, until the day she returns home to find her cousin’s The word "cousin" is a bit redundant name scrawled across the wall and her aunt wandering the woods searching for her deceased daughter.  Does she live with her aunt?

 

Tanvi realizes her new neighbor, a girl bearing an uncanny resemblance to Mimi I am guessing Mimi is the cousin. You need to mention this in the previous paragraph and mention her name more than once throughout the query, has triggered her aunt’s delusions. With her aunt insisting her cousin is still alive, Tanvi digs for clues related to the cold case and stumbles upon a diary. In its pages, her cousin detailed a murder plot. And Tanvi realizes the dead body in the stream was supposed to be hers, not her cousin’s. So her cousin was planning to kill her? And she died in a stream? 

 

Then a classmate, who’d taunted her at a party, drowns in the same stream, and suspicion falls on Tanvi.  Try to give some information about the classmate. In this case, there is nothing to make the reader care about his or her death. Are they a friend of Tanvi's? Were they a friend of her cousin's? 

 

To prove her innocence, she must find the real reason behind her cousin’s death. But, seeking the truth in the diary’s pages and her own memories could mean unearthing secrets about herself and her family, secrets left buried for a reason. Like her mother’s insanity, and the darkness she fears she’s inherited. This ending is much stronger than your first draft. Well done!

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 64,000 words. 


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#6 suja

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Posted 09 December 2015 - 06:13 PM

Thanks for all the help :smile: . Another revision:

 

For seventeen-year old Tanvi, her cousin’s death is a painful memory, until the day she returns home to find Mimi’s name scrawled across the wall and her aunt wandering the woods searching for her deceased daughter.

 

Tanvi realizes her new neighbor, a girl bearing an uncanny resemblance to Mimi, has triggered her aunt’s delusions. With her aunt insisting Mimi is still alive, Tanvi digs for clues related to the cold case and stumbles upon a diary. In its pages, her cousin detailed a murder plot. And Tanvi realizes the dead body in the stream was supposed to be hers, not her cousin’s.

 

What she doesn’t realize is, her efforts to seek the truth in the diary’s pages and her own memories could mean unearthing secrets about herself and her family, secrets left buried for a reason. Like her mother’s insanity, and the darkness she fears she’s inherited. 



#7 dysonem

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Posted 09 December 2015 - 07:01 PM

For seventeen-year old Tanvi, her cousin’s death is a painful memory, until the day she returns home to find Mimi’s name scrawled across the wall and her aunt wandering the woods searching for her deceased daughter.

This is a very long sentence to start with.

 

Tanvi realizes her new neighbor, a girl bearing an uncanny resemblance to Mimi, has triggered her aunt’s delusions. With her aunt insisting Mimi is still alive, Tanvi digs for clues related to the cold case and stumbles upon a diary Whose?. In its pages, her cousin detailed a murder plot. And Tanvi realizes the dead body in the stream was supposed to be hers, not her cousin’s. I feel like I need a little more information here. I think I was a little put off by your reference to 'the dead body in the stream' - like you'd mentioned it before, and I'd missed it? Just thought I'd point that out!

 

What she doesn’t realize is, her efforts to seek the truth in the diary’s pages and her own memories could mean unearthing secrets about herself and her family, secrets left buried for a reason. This sentence is very long. I'd try splitting it. Like her mother’s insanity, Are you saying the insanity is a secret? Is this not giving away a vital plot point? I almost feel like ending on 'secrets left buried for a reason' might be better? and the darkness she fears she’s inherited. 

 

 

Hopefully my notes are useful!

 

 

 

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Looking for feedback on my query!: http://agentquerycon...-adult-fantasy/



#8 suja

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Posted 09 December 2015 - 10:42 PM

Thanks :smile: . Revised again:

 

For seventeen-year old Tanvi, her cousin’s death is a painful memory. Until the day she returns home to find Mimi’s name scrawled across the wall and her aunt wandering the woods searching for her deceased daughter.

 

Tanvi realizes her new neighbor, a girl bearing an uncanny resemblance to Mimi, has triggered her aunt’s delusions. With her aunt insisting Mimi is still alive, Tanvi digs for clues related to her cousin’s drowning and stumbles upon a diary. In its pages, her cousin detailed a murder plot. And Tanvi realizes the dead body in the stream was supposed to be hers, not her cousin’s.

 

What she doesn’t realize is, her efforts to seek the truth in the diary’s pages and her own memories could mean unearthing secrets about herself and her family, secrets left buried for a reason. Like her mother’s insanity, and the darkness she fears she’s inherited. 



#9 swimwritesurf

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Posted 10 December 2015 - 09:36 PM

Thanks :smile: . Revised again:

 

For seventeen-year old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is a painful memory. Until the day she returns home to find Mimi’s name scrawled across the wall, and her aunt wandering the woods searching for her deceased daughter.

 

Tanvi realizes her new neighbor, a (add some more detail about this girl) girl bearing an uncanny resemblance to Mimi, has triggered her aunt’s delusions. When she continuously insists her daughter is still alive, Tanvi begins to dig for clues related to her cousin’s drowning, and stumbles upon a diary. In its pages, her Mimi detailed a murder plot. And Tanvi realizes the dead body in the stream was supposed to be hers, not her cousin’s.

 

What she doesn’t realize (try not to use this word again) is, her efforts to seek the truth in the diary’s pages and her own memories could mean unearthing secrets about herself and her family. Secrets left buried for a reason. Like her mother’s insanity, and the darkness she fears she’s inherited. 

 

It's looking good so far! Keep working on adding some detail and developing the plot and I think you'll be set :)


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#10 xtymorgan

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Posted 12 December 2015 - 04:34 PM

Thanks :smile: . Revised again:

 

For seventeen-year old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi's death is a painful memory. Until the day she returns home to find Mimi’s name scrawled across the wall and her aunt wandering the woods searching for her deceased daughter. Not a bad hook.  I think you should add Mimi's name to the first sentence. Otherwise, it's not clear who Mimi is at first.

 

Tanvi realizes her new neighbor, a girl bearing an uncanny resemblance to Mimi, has triggered her aunt’s delusions. (Good sentence, good information) With her aunt insisting Mimi is still alive, Tanvi digs for clues related to her cousin’s drowning and stumbles upon a diary. In its pages, her cousin Mimi detailed a murder plot (plot by whom and against whom?)  And Tanvi realizes the dead body in the stream was supposed to be hers, not her cousin’s.  Last sentence is good.

 

What she doesn’t realize is, her efforts to seek But seeking the truth in the diary’s pages and her own memories could mean unearthing secrets about herself and her family - secrets left buried for a reason - like  her mother’s insanity, and the darkness she fears she’s inherited.  This is very good, especially if you reword as suggested, but now I'm left with a question - who is insane?  The mother or her aunt?  I thought the aunt was the insane one.  Where did the mother come from?  If this is not 100% necessary, I would end it with " like the darkness she fears she's inherited".  Either that, or mention the mother earlier in the synopsis.  As I said below, you have plenty of room as this is a bit short.

 

I'm going to assume you already know to put these two paragraphs below in your query and that you just left them out for brevity's sake.

 

TITLE, a young adult psychological thriller complete at 70,000 words will appeal to fans of (then name some comparison titles). If you would like a sample, or the entire manuscript, you may contact me using the information below my signature. (Then be sure to put ALL your contact information).

 

INSERT BIO HERE (be sure to include any writing credits, if you have any.  If not, just tell us what you can about yourself.  Agents want to know a little about you, even if you're unpublished or a new author. At a minimum, tell us which state you live in and say if you live with your husband/wife/kids/dogs/cats, etc....The last suggestion is a matter of opinion, but I found it worked well for me.

 

Hey Suja!  First, be sure you change your topic title to reflect the revision and which post it's on.  It makes it easier for us who want to help.  There are instructions on here somewhere but it's easy.  Just go to your first post, click "edit" and then "use full editor" then you can go in and add "Revisions at #8" after your title. Second, will you please use bigger font next time you post?  LOL!  This font was so small it was difficult to read/critique.  Now that we have the business out of the way...

 

Is this all there is to your query?  It's very, very short. You have some room to add more content and I think you should use it. I've got a pretty good idea what your story is about, but if I were an agent, I'd be left wanting a little more.  As long as the query fits on one Word page, you're good to go.  So use the additional space you have to fill us in a bit more on the story.  AS LONG AS it's pertinent and not just unnecessary details. 

 

Finally I liked your last sentence (except it needs a bit of rewording) very much.  A good way to end your query.  But the very last few words threw me off.  The mother isn't mentioned until the very end and it seemed like it wasn't necessary to mention her.  Now, if she is a very important part of your novel, then you need to mention her earlier in the synopsis, in my opinion. Tell us how insane the mother is...is she cruel or just mentally unstable?  Why is she that way?  Is there a family history? Is that why Tanvi is scared she's inherited this "darkness?"

 

All in all, a very good (although short) query.  I'd want to read at least the first ten pages if I were an agent. So I think if you nail this down tightly, you'll find some success.

 

Best of luck!


CK Morgan

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"There is nothing to writing.  All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed." ~ Ernest Hemingway


#11 Gibber

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Posted 12 December 2015 - 05:33 PM

Thanks :smile: . Revised again:

 

For seventeen-year old Tanvi, her cousin’s death is a painful memory. Until the day she returns home to find Mimi’s (Who's Mimi?) name scrawled across the wall and her aunt wandering the woods searching for her deceased daughter.

 

Tanvi realizes her new neighbor, a girl bearing an uncanny resemblance to Mimi, (Is Mimi the cousin?) has triggered her aunt’s delusions. (Also, this makes it sound like the mystery girl is a part of the plot but she never gets brought up again. Does it connect? And if so, please show us how and why.) With her aunt insisting  Mimi is still alive, Tanvi digs for clues related to her cousin’s drowning and stumbles upon a diary. In its pages, her cousin detailed a murder plot (Like what? For whom?). And Tanvi realizes the dead body in the stream was supposed to be hers, not her cousin’s. (Nice.)

 

What she doesn’t realize is, her efforts to seek the truth in the diary’s pages and her own memories could mean unearthing secrets about herself and her family, secrets left buried for a reason. Like her mother’s insanity, and the darkness she fears she’s inherited.  (This last part dropped the ball. It's too vague. I have no idea what it means or why I should care. The cousin is dead, it was supposed to be the mc, which is great. That's setting up some excellent tension. But this sentence is basically an ellipses trailing off into nothing. You need to stick the landing. Show me what kind of danger the mc is in and what's at stake for her, what she plans to do to save herself/her family.)



#12 suja

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Posted 15 December 2015 - 07:21 PM

Thanks for the excellent feedback. I've revised the query, all feedback welcome :smile: 

 

For seventeen-year old Tanvi, her cousin, Mimi’s death is a painful memory. Until the day she returns home to find Mimi’s name scrawled across the wall and her aunt wandering the woods searching for her deceased daughter.

 

Tanvi sees a girl resembling Mimi in the neighborhood and realizes she had triggered her aunt’s delusions. With her aunt insisting Mimi is still alive, Tanvi digs for clues related to the drowning five years ago, and stumbles upon a diary. In its pages, her cousin detailed a murder plot against Tanvi. The dead body in the stream was supposed to be hers, not Mimi’s.

 

Then the Mimi lookalike starts stalking Tanvi, following her to a party and nearly running her off the road. When Tanvi is implicated in a local bully’s death, she realizes the girl has a deeper agenda, and her life could be in danger again. To survive, she must seek the truth behind Mimi’s death. But that could mean unearthing secrets about herself and her family, secrets left buried for a reason. Like the darkness she fears she’s inherited.

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 64,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.



#13 Ireth

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Posted 15 December 2015 - 07:26 PM

Thanks for the excellent feedback. I've revised the query, all feedback welcome :smile: 

 

For seventeen-year old Tanvi (last name?), her cousin(no comma) Mimi’s death is a painful memory. Until the day she returns home to find Mimi’s name scrawled across the wall and her aunt wandering the woods searching for her deceased daughter.

 

Tanvi sees a girl resembling Mimi in the neighborhood and realizes she had triggered her (I realize the "her" refers to Tanvi, but the way this is phrased it's easy to misread. Maybe say "Aunt Whoever" instead of "her aunt in each instance?) aunt’s delusions. With her aunt insisting Mimi is still alive, Tanvi digs for clues related to the drowning five years ago, and stumbles upon a diary. In its pages, her cousin detailed a murder plot against Tanvi. The dead body in the stream was supposed to be hers, not Mimi’s. (Yikes!)

 

Then the Mimi lookalike starts stalking Tanvi, following her to a party and nearly running her off the road. When Tanvi is implicated in a local bully’s death, she realizes the girl has a deeper agenda, and her life could be in danger again. To survive, she must find (She's already seeking the truth.) the truth behind Mimi’s death. But that could mean unearthing secrets about herself and her family, secrets left buried for a reason. Like the darkness she fears she’s inherited. (Is she evil? Or is that a metaphor for mental illness like her aunt's?)

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 64,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.


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All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

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#14 Gibber

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Posted 15 December 2015 - 07:45 PM

What Ireth said with the added question of, "How does Tanvi connect the bully's death implication back to the lookalike?"



#15 moonim

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Posted 15 December 2015 - 11:41 PM

For seventeen-year old Tanvi, her cousin, Mimi’s (this name stuff is a little confusing, tbh, but i guess its the best it can be? ) death is a painful memory. Until the day she returns home to find Mimi’s name scrawled across the wall and her aunt wandering the woods searching for her deceased daughter(I dont think you need to last part? It feels sort redundant.  and so suddenly when this day happens, the memory isn't painful anymore? that can't be. Something about these two sentences is sorta contradictory)

 

Tanvi sees a girl resembling Mimi in the neighborhood and realizes she had triggered her aunt’s delusions. With her aunt insisting Mimi is still alive, Tanvi digs for clues related to the drowning five years ago, and stumbles upon a diary. In its pages, her cousin detailed a murder plot against Tanvi. The dead body in the stream was supposed to be hers, not Mimi’s.

 

(I can't explain this well, other than ti say this is sort of passive.

 

When Tanvi spots a girl resembling Mimi, she understands what triggered her aunt's delusions. With her aunt insisting Mimi still lives, Tani digs for clues regarding the drowning five years ago and stumbles upon a diary. In its pages, Mimi detailed a murder plot against Tanvi. Her cousin wasn't supposed to die. She was.  This is just a suggestion, but is still alive can be more active by being , still lives, and you should try to avoid the see/ realizes combo)

 

Then the Mimi lookalike starts stalking Tanvi, following her to a party and nearly running her off the road. When Tanvi is implicated in a local bully’s death, she realizes the girl has a deeper agenda, and her life could be in danger again. To survive, she must seek the truth behind Mimi’s death. But that could mean unearthing secrets about herself and her family, secrets left buried for a reason. Like the darkness she fears she’s inherited. (I think either take that last line off about darkness, or bring that idea in throughout the entire query

somehow.)

 

I think everything's there in the right place and order, you can just strengthen it. And the hook could probably be a little poppier, but overall, this is pretty good.



#16 suja

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Posted 16 December 2015 - 09:30 AM

Thanks :smile: . A newer version:

 

For seventeen-year old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is a nothing but a memory, albeit a painful one. Until the day she returns home to find Mimi’s name scrawled across the wall and her aunt wandering the woods searching for her deceased daughter.

 

When Tanvi sees a girl resembling Mimi in the neighborhood, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. With her aunt insisting Mimi is still alive, Tanvi digs for clues related to the drowning five years ago, and stumbles upon a diary. In its pages, her cousin detailed a murder plot against Tanvi. The dead body in the stream was supposed to be hers, not Mimi’s.

 

Then the Mimi lookalike starts stalking Tanvi, following her to a party and nearly running her off the road. When she implicates Tanvi in a local bully’s death, Tanvi realizes the girl has a deeper agenda, and her life could be in danger again. To survive, she must find the truth behind Mimi’s death. But that could mean unearthing secrets about herself and her family, secrets left buried for a reason. Like the insanity that runs in the family and the darkness she fears she’s inherited.

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 64,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#17 Preston Copeland.Biz

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Posted 16 December 2015 - 01:43 PM

For seventeen-year old, Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is( a )nothing but a memory, aren’t all deaths just a memory? albeit a painful one. Until the day she returns home to find Mimi’s name scrawled across the wall and her aunt wandering the woods searching for her deceased daughter.

 

Maybe this hook --- For seventeen-year old, Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is a painful memory, until the day she returns home to find Mimi’s name scrawled across the wall.            (it’s shorter and more concise) your choice… J

 

When Tanvi sees a girl resembling Mimi in the neighborhood, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions to search the woods for the past three nights. With her aunt insisting Mimi is still alive, Tanvi digs for clues related to the drowning five years ago, and stumbles upon a diary. In its pages, her cousin detailed a murder plot against Tanvi. The dead body in the stream was supposed to be hers, not Mimi’s. Good twist…

 

Then the Mimi lookalike starts stalking Tanvi, following her to a party and nearly running her off the road. When she implicates Tanvi in a local bully’s death, Tanvi realizes the girl has a deeper agenda, and her life could be in danger again. To survive, she must find the truth behind Mimi’s death. But that could mean unearthing secrets about herself and her family, secrets left buried for a reason. Like the insanity that runs in the family and the darkness she fears she’s inherited. I would try to find a stronger ending. Something like—The mimi lookalike is all too familiar, until Tanvi understands that she’s not a lookalike.   (unless she is, not sure)

 

Good query, sounds interesting… I would strengthen your hook and ending. I think you could find a better title as well. Good job so far though… J

 

If you could edit one of my queries that would be great --- revision 2 at http://agentquerycon...or/#entry309165    

or revision 15 at ---   http://agentquerycon...rk-twain/page-2

Remember to edit the most recent one at the very end of the page. Sometimes, the queries get pushed back to pages 2 and 3. Thanks…


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#18 StephenLost

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Posted 17 December 2015 - 12:15 AM

Hello. I just stream lined this really. Felt you had a few extra words. Switched a few words for the purpose of tone.  I think you cover the story arch and characters well. Just feels like it needs another detail to pop the setting.    (Like the insanity that runs in the family and the darkness she fears she’s inherited.  Just didnt like this sentence. Felt it was redundant, and wasn't the final shot you wanted to end with.  Dont know the story well enough to guess a substitute)     Hope I was helpful. Feel free to msg me if you have any questions.  Check my query tom if you want another critique.   PS  Thanks much for your help.

 

 

For seventeen-year old Tanvi, her cousin's death is just a painful memory. Until the day she comes home to find Mimi’s name scrawled across the wall and her aunt searching for her dead daughter.

 

When Tanvi sees a girl resembling Mimi in the neighborhood, she understands what triggered her aunt’s collapse. With her aunt insisting Mimi is still alive, Tanvi digs for clues related to the drowning, and stumbles upon a diary. In its pages, her cousin detailed a murder plot against Tanvi. The dead body in the stream was supposed to be hers, not Mimi’s.

 

Then the Mimi lookalike starts stalking Tanvi, following her to a party and nearly running her off the road. When she implicates Tanvi in a local bully’s death, Tanvi realizes the girl has a deeper purpose, and her life is in danger again. To survive, she must find the truth behind Mimi’s death. But that could mean unearthing secrets about her family, secrets left buried for a reason.

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 64,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#19 trezvani

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Posted 17 December 2015 - 05:01 PM

For seventeen-year-old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is a nothing but a memory, albeit a painful one. Until the day she returns home to find Mimi’s name scrawled across the wall and her aunt wandering the woods searching for her deceased daughter.

 

When Tanvi sees a girl resembling Mimi in the neighborhood, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. With her aunt insisting Mimi is still alive, Tanvi digs for clues related to the drowning five years ago, and stumbles upon a diary. In its pages, her cousin detailed a murder plot against Tanvi. The dead body in the stream was supposed to be hers, not Mimi’s.

 

Then the Mimi lookalike starts stalking Tanvi, following her to a party and nearly running her off the road. When she implicates Tanvi in a local bully’s death, Tanvi realizes the girl has a deeper agenda, and her life could be in danger again. To survive, she must find the truth behind Mimi’s death. But that could mean unearthing secrets about herself and her family, secrets left buried for a reason, like the insanity that runs in the family and the darkness she fears she’s inherited. (I think this last sentence flows together better when you combine the original two. I also think "the insanity and the darkness" bit could be more powerful, but I don't know the details of your story well enough to make specific suggestions. Any unique tidbits you could add in there to up the stakes and add more intrigue? Overall, I think this query is well-written.)

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 64,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.


If you'd like to critique my query letter, it can be found here. Thanks in advance!  :smile:


#20 mzbritney12

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Posted 20 December 2015 - 11:52 AM

Thanks :smile: . A newer version:

 

For seventeen-year old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is a nothing but a memory, albeit a painful one.   (painful memory.)Until the day she returns home to find Mimi’s name scrawled across the wall and her aunt wandering the woods searching for her deceased daughter. (I believe a guy above, Loosely said, mentioned a pretty cool hook. You should consider it. I think it would work well with your story.)

 

When Tanvi sees a girl resembling Mimi in the neighborhood, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. With her aunt insisting Mimi is still alive, Tanvi digs for clues related to the drowning five years ago, and stumbles upon a diary. In its pages, her cousin detailed a murder plot against Tanvi. The dead body in the stream was supposed to be hers, not Mimi’s.

 

Then the Mimi lookalike starts stalking Tanvi, following her to a party and nearly running her off the road. When she implicates Tanvi in a local bully’s death, Tanvi realizes the girl has a deeper agenda, and her life could be in danger again. To survive, she must find the truth behind Mimi’s death. But that could mean unearthing secrets about herself and her family, secrets left buried for a reason. Like the insanity that runs in the family and the darkness she fears she’s inherited. (This last sentence has so much potential, but I think it needs to be re-written. Give us something that will leave us with questions--good questions. Give us something that makes us want more.)

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 64,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Just so you know--I would definitely read this story! It sounds like a crazy lifetime movie that I would be all over. Ha

 

So what you have here is really good. I didn't go too crazy with edits because  many others have generated a few good questions and comments before me. 

 

Looking forward to seeing future edits. 

I hope this helps.

You've got this!

Good luck :) 


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