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YA psychological thriller, will return the favor


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#21 Destructo Girl

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Posted 21 December 2015 - 08:09 AM

Love the hook! I actually came on here to comment on an older version but I just saw your updated one below with the hook and it's great. It really caught my attention! Also, Making Amends is a great name. It's a very chilling premise and you've demonstrated that in this query.


Hold on a second, did I just... Did I give you a free critique? Whoaa. That was nice of me, huh? Why don't you return the favour here. You clickin' it? What the f... Don't ignore me, asshole. I'm looking right at you.

 

 

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#22 suja

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Posted 03 February 2016 - 11:52 AM

Hi, back again. I'd revised the story and had to revise the query accordingly. The twist about the diary had to be left out, sorry. Please let me know what you think.

 

For seventeen-year old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is a painful memory, until the day she comes home to find Mimi’s name scrawled across her bedroom wall and her aunt delusional.

 

When Tanvi sees a girl resembling Mimi in the neighborhood, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusional searching for her deceased daughter. Then the Mimi lookalike starts stalking Tanvi. She also seems to know about Tanvi’s past.

 

When she leaves a bag of black magic supplies for Tanvi to find, it triggers memories of her mother and the rituals from India she had been involved in. Then she implicates Tanvi in a local bully’s death.

 

Tanvi realizes the girl has a deeper agenda, and her life and sanity could be in danger. To survive, she must find the truth behind Mimi’s death. But that could mean unearthing secrets about herself and her family, secrets left buried for a reason.

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 65,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.



#23 NoelDwyer

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Posted 03 February 2016 - 12:20 PM

Looks like a really interesting book. I think you can drill down into more specifics and tighter language on the query to make it pop a little more.

 

Hi, back again. I'd revised the story and had to revise the query accordingly. The twist about the diary had to be left out, sorry. Please let me know what you think.

 

For seventeen-year old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is a painful memory, until the day she comes home to find Mimi’s name scrawled across her bedroom wall and her aunt delusional. Specify! "... and her aunt convinced that ..."

 

When Tanvi sees a girl resembling Mimi in the neighborhood, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusional searching for her deceased daughter. Could be streamlined. If we know in the paragraph above that her aunt believes Mimi is walking around, then you could use this sentence to show Tanvi's moment of shock. And "girl resembling Mimi" isn't weird enough--that sounds like they're just similar-looking, not the idea that someone impossibly identical to Mimi is in town.Then the Mimi lookalike starts stalking Tanvi. She also seems to know about Tanvi’s past. Could be a little sharper--are we talking things you could get from asking around at school or things that literally nobody but Tanvi knows, or things only Mimi knew... and would it help to mention what the things are? (It may or may not be a detail you want to focus on, but details can really help sometimes.)

 

When she leaves a bag of black magic supplies for Tanvi to find, it triggers memories of her Tanvi's, probably, but it could also be Mimi's. mother and the rituals from India she had been involved in. This sentence wanders a little. "Tanvi remembers her own mother's ..." And I don't know how to read this sentence--there's too much I don't know. Is Tanvi's mother still alive, or not? Are these rituals comforting and familiar to Tanvi, or did they always terrify her? Does she think of this as real magic, or just the rituals of a fringe religious group? Is Tanvi's mother from India, or did she pick this up traveling there? Has Tanvi been to India and seen the rituals, or did her mother just say they came from there? Obviously, you don't need to go into all of these--I'm just trying to give you a sense of the places that are clear to you where I'm floundering for more concrete detail. Then she implicates Tanvi in a local bully’s death. Good, but it does kind of bury the lede--a kid just died! "When a local bully [insert method of death], Mimi plants evidence that implies Tanvi [insert action]." ...Or something.

 

Tanvi realizes the girl has a deeper agenda,vague--what agenda? And we kind of figured she was up to *something,* so this line doesn't add anything to the reader's knowledge. and her Mimi's or Tanvi's? I mean, I'm guessing Tanvi's but it's not grammatically clear. life and sanity could be in danger. To survive, she must find the truth behind Mimi’s death. But that could mean unearthing secrets about herself and her family, secrets left buried for a reason. It's a good set of stakes, but it's possible you could be more specific about this than "unearthing family secrets"--I suspect this last line gets repeated almost word for word in hundreds if not thousands of queries.

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 65,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.



#24 suja

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Posted 03 February 2016 - 05:55 PM

Thanks. That was very helpful. Here's another revised version

 

For seventeen-year old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is a painful memory. Until the day she comes home to find Mimi’s name scrawled across her bedroom wall and her aunt searching for her deceased daughter.

 

When Tanvi sees a girl who’s a splitting image of Mimi in the neighborhood, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. Then the Mimi lookalike starts stalking Tanvi. She also seems to know about Tanvi’s past. Things like the dark magic rituals from India that Tanvi’s mom was involved in.

 

When she implicates Tanvi in a local bully’s death, Tanvi realizes her life could be in danger. To survive, she must find the truth behind Mimi’s death. But that could mean unearthing secrets about herself and her family, secrets left buried for a reason. Like her mother’ insanity and the darkness she fears she has inherited.

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 67,000 wordsThank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you



#25 Nikita

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Posted 03 February 2016 - 08:34 PM

Thanks. That was very helpful. Here's another revised version

 

For seventeen-year old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is a painful memory. U comma until the day she comes home to find Mimi’s name scrawled across her bedroom wall and her aunt searching for her deceased daughter. Love the opening hook, although I'd make it all one sentence to avoid having a sentence fragment.

 

When Tanvi sees a girl who’s a splitting image of Mimi in the neighborhood, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. Then the Mimi lookalike starts stalking Tanvi. She The lookalike (Make this clear that 'she' is referring to the lookalike and not Tanvi) also seems to know about Tanvi’s past. Things like the dark magic rituals from India that Tanvi’s mom was involved in.

 

When she Again, clarify who 'she' is implicates Tanvi in a local bully’s death, Tanvi realizes her life could be in danger. To survive, she must find the truth behind Mimi’s death. But that could mean unearthing secrets about herself and her family, secrets left buried for a reason. Reasons Like her mother’ insanity and the darkness she fears she has inherited.

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 67,000 wordsThank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you

Sounds awesomely creepy!



#26 suja

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Posted 06 February 2016 - 01:39 PM

Another revision. Thanks in advance.

 

For seventeen-year old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is a painful memory, until the day she comes home to find Mimi’s name scrawled across her bedroom wall and her aunt searching for her deceased daughter.

 

When Tanvi sees a girl who’s a splitting image of Mimi in the neighborhood, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. Then the Mimi lookalike starts stalking Tanvi. The lookalike also seems to know Tanvi’s past. Things like the dark magic rituals from India that Tanvi’s mom was involved in.

 

When the lookalike implicates Tanvi in a local bully’s death, Tanvi realizes her life could be in danger. To survive, she must find the truth behind Mimi’s death. But that could mean unearthing secrets about herself and her family, secrets left buried for a reason. Like her mother’ insanity and the darkness she fears she has inherited.

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 67,000 wordsThank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.



#27 ViviMont

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Posted 06 February 2016 - 02:04 PM

For seventeen-year-old Tanvi, (coping with) her cousin Mimi’s death (has been nearly impossible, has left her numb, has been excruciating, or something more impactful than just a painful memory) is a painful memory, until the day she comes home to find Mimi’s name scrawled across her bedroom wall and her aunt searching for her deceased daughter. (This is a bit confusing. The memory stops being painful when her cousins name is drawn on her wall by her aunt? Or the name just magically appears then her aunt shows up?)

 

When Tanvi sees a girl who’s a splitting image of Mimi in the neighborhood, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. (Okay so it was her aunt that drew on the name.) Then the Mimi lookalike starts stalking Tanvi. The lookalike also seems to know Tanvi’s past. Things like the dark magic rituals from India that Tanvi’s mom was involved in. (Woah, this sounds cool, but it's just tossed in here as an afterthought. Is there a way to introduce this information differently?)

 

When the lookalike implicates Tanvi in a local bully’s death, Tanvi realizes her life could be in danger. To survive, she must find the truth behind Mimi’s death. But that could mean unearthing secrets about herself and her family, secrets left buried for a reason. Like her mother’ insanity and the darkness she fears she has inherited. (Her mother's insanity or her aunt's. Or are they both insane? It's a cool concept, and the story sounds interesting, but if there is dark magic involved, I'm still not very sure from your query. Best of luck to you, and I hope I've been of some help. :) 

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 67,000 wordsThank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#28 SharonMorrisWagner

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Posted 06 February 2016 - 03:49 PM

Another revision. Thanks in advance.

 

For seventeen-year old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is just a painful memory, until the day she comes home to find Mimi’s name scrawled across her bedroom wall in what? paint? blood?  and her aunt searching for her deceased daughter. searching for her body? or does she think she's alive now? I'm confused.

 

When Tanvi sees a girl who’s a splitting spitting not splitting  image of Mimi in the neighborhood, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. Then the Mimi lookalike starts stalking Tanvi. The lookalike also seems to know Tanvi’s past. Things like the dark magic rituals from India that Tanvi’s mom was involved in. This needs to be more concise and more interestingly written. This lookalike is just spotted and nobody runs over to ask her anything? If she's stalking Tanvi does she go up to her? She does talk to her about stuff for her to reveal she knows about Tanvi - who is she? Does she claim to be someone else? Why would she talk about Tanvi's past?

When the lookalike implicates Tanvi in a local bully’s death, Tanvi realizes her life could be in danger. All telling. Show don't tell. To survive, she must find the truth behind Mimi’s death. But that could mean unearthing secrets about herself and her family, secrets left buried for a reason. Like her mother’ insanity and the darkness she fears she has inherited.

 

I'm left understanding what's going on which is good but there are so many confusing parts. Keep it simple but explain a bit more.

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 67,000 wordsThank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.



#29 suja

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Posted 26 February 2016 - 11:45 PM

Thanks so much for all your help. Here is a revised version:

 

For sixteen-year old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is just a painful memory. Then one day she comes home to find Mimi’s name scrawled across her bedroom wall and her aunt searching for her deceased daughter.

 

When Tanvi spots a girl who’s a spitting image of Mimi, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. The girl starts stalking Tanvi, running her off the road, even implicating her in a local bully’s death. The lookalike also seems to know Tanvi’s past. Especially the dark magic rituals from India that Tanvi’s mom was involved in.

 

To unmask the lookalike, Tanvi must find the truth behind her cousin’s death. But her search sends her spiraling into flashbacks of her past, into visions of dark magic and her father’s gruesome murder. The closer she gets to the truth, the worse the flashbacks.

 

Defeating Mimi’s lookalike at her own game could come at the cost of Tanvi’s sanity.

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 70,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#30 HBDiaz

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Posted 01 March 2016 - 07:12 PM

Thanks so much for all your help. Here is a revised version:

 

For sixteen-year old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is just a painful memory. Then one day [how much time has passed?] she comes home [from school?] to find Mimi’s name scrawled across her bedroom wall and her aunt searching for her deceased daughter. [intriguing!] 

 

When Tanvi spots a girl who’s a [the?] spitting image of Mimi, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. The girl starts stalking Tanvi, running her off the road, even implicating her in a local bully’s death. The lookalike also seems to know Tanvi’s past. Especially the dark magic rituals from India that Tanvi’s mom was involved in. [This sentence seems kind of choppy. I suggest: The lookalike even knows Tanvi's secret past, especially her mother's involvement in Indian dark magic.]

 

To unmask the lookalike, Tanvi must find the truth behind her cousin’s death. [good] But her search sends her spiraling into flashbacks of her past, into visions of dark magic and her father’s gruesome murder. [This feels a bit late in the query to introduce the murder. Does she know all along that her father was murdered? Or does she discover this while investigating her cousins death?] The closer she gets to the truth, the worse the flashbacks [become?]

 

Defeating Mimi’s lookalike at her own game could come at the cost of Tanvi’s sanity. 

[Defeating Mimi's lookalike may cost Tanvi her sanity - though, I may consider using another word for "lookalike." Doppelganger. Double. Etc.] 

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 70,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I think you're on the right track here. Your query is very intriguing and the story sounds really interesting. I don't read or write YA, so please disregard anything that doesn't work for you. Hope this was helpful. 



#31 Spooky

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Posted 01 March 2016 - 10:58 PM

Hi Suja,

I think this is really good, just a few  comments below. I hope they help.



Thanks so much for all your help. Here is a revised version:

 

For sixteen-year old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is just a painful memory. [how long ago was Mimi's death and how old was she?] Then one day she comes home to find Mimi’s name scrawled across her bedroom wall and her aunt searching for her deceased daughter [does she live with her aunt?].

 

When Tanvi spots a girl who’s a the spitting image of Mimi, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. The girl starts stalking Tanvi, running her off the road, even implicating her in a local bully’s death. The lookalike also seems to know Tanvi’s past. [how does she know this, does she talk to the lookalike?] Especially the dark magic rituals from India that Tanvi’s mom was involved in [is Tanvi's mom still alive?].

 

To unmask the lookalike, Tanvi must find the truth behind her cousin’s death. But her search sends her spiraling into flashbacks of her past, into visions of dark magic and her father’s gruesome murder. The closer she gets to the truth, the worse [I find worse subjective; I wonder if there's a better word you could use here] the flashbacks.

 

Defeating Mimi’s lookalike at her own game could come at the cost of Tanvi’s sanity.

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 70,000 words. [I'd start a new line here] Thank you for your time and consideration.



#32 C-man

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Posted 02 March 2016 - 02:18 AM

For sixteen-year old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is was just a painful memory. Then one But that all changed the day she comes came home to find Mimi’s name scrawled across her bedroom wall and her aunt searching for her deceased daughter.

 

When Tanvi spots a girl who’s a the spitting image of Mimi, she suddenly/instantly/finally understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. For no apparent reason the girl starts stalking her Tanvi; running her off the road, and even implicating her in a local bully’s death. Tanvi soon finds that The lookalike also seems to know Tanvi’s about her past, and about her mother's involvement in dark magic rituals from India.Especially the dark magic rituals from India that Tanvi’s mom was involved in.

 

Determined To unmask the lookalike, Tanvi must find delves into the truth behind her cousin’s death. But her search sends her spiraling into flashbacks visions of her past, into visions long forgotten memories of dark magic... and her father’s gruesome murder. The closer she gets to the truth, the worse the flashbacks. 

 

The closer Tanvi gets to the truth, the deeper she must go within own her mind. The only question is: Can she Defeating beat Mimi’s lookalike at her own game could come at the cost of Tanvi’s before reaching the end of her sanity?

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 70,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 
 
So hopefully that's understandable up there. I'm pretty new to this as well, but I know how much feedback has helped me, so I thought I'd try to pay it back as much as I can. Hope it helps in one way or another. I really liked the query, and really only changed things to maybe give you an option or two. Good luck!
 
C-man


#33 Gala

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Posted 03 March 2016 - 10:28 AM

Thanks so much for all your help. Here is a revised version:

 

For sixteen-year old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is just a painful memory. Then one day she comes home to find Mimi’s name scrawled across her bedroom wall and her aunt searching for her deceased daughter.

 

When Tanvi spots a girl who’s a spitting image of Mimi, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. (What did Tanvi do about this?)The girl starts stalking Tanvi, running her off the road, even implicating her in a local bully’s death. The lookalike also seems to know Tanvi’s past. Especially the dark magic rituals from India that Tanvi’s mom was involved in.

 

To unmask the lookalike, Tanvi must find the truth behind her cousin’s death. But her search sends her spiraling into flashbacks of her past, into visions of dark magic and her father’s gruesome murder. The closer she gets to the truth, the worse the flashbacks.

 

Defeating Mimi’s lookalike at her own game could come at the cost of Tanvi’s sanity. (Is there another stake that could be added here?)

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 70,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Hi, great plot by the way, it sounds as if it has some hooks. It might be helpful to go into detail about the stakes or early plot twists. You're trying to sell a thriller, so try and make it more exciting or complicated without complicating your query.


If you would like to give feedback on my query letter: http://agentquerycon...rary-fiction-4/

 

Thank you!


#34 speedchuck

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Posted 03 March 2016 - 11:17 AM

Other people have said a lot of good things, and some had problems with this one line:

"The closer she gets to the truth, the worse the flashbacks."

This line could have potential to be much more gripping, more visceral. Something like:

"The closer she gets to the truth, the more her mind is torn apart."

That's all I got. Of course, using this (which has to do with her sanity) might involve you rewording, or replacing the next line, to make things less redundant.
Would very much appreciate the help:
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#35 suja

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Posted 03 March 2016 - 09:40 PM

Thanks for all the help.

 

For sixteen-year old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is just a painful memory. But all that changes the day she comes home from school to find Mimi’s name scrawled across her bedroom wall and her aunt searching for her deceased daughter.

 

When Tanvi spots a girl who’s the spitting image of Mimi, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. Then the girl starts stalking her, running her off the road, and even implicating her in a local bully’s death. Tanvi soon finds out that the lookalike also knows about her past, especially her mom’s involvement with dark magic from India.

 

To unmask the lookalike, Tanvi must find the truth behind her cousin’s death. But her search is complicated by flashbacks into her past and visions of dark magic rituals. The closer she gets to the truth, the deeper she spirals into these flashbacks.

 

Unraveling her cousin's death and surviving Mimi’s double might cost Tanvi her sanity.

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 70,000 words.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.



#36 ViviMont

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Posted 04 March 2016 - 08:57 AM

For sixteen-year-old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is just a painful memory. But all that changes the day she comes home from school to find Mimi’s name scrawled across her bedroom wall and her aunt searching for her deceased daughter. ( Much Better! I really like this as the hook, and it gives us a clear picture of what's going.)

 

When Tanvi spots a girl who’s the spitting image of Mimi, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. Then the girl starts stalking her, running her off the road, and even implicating her in a local bully’s death. Tanvi soon finds out that the lookalike also knows about her past, especially her mom’s involvement with dark magic from India. (Perfect, this gives us an insight why there might be an evil lookalike on the loose but without outright saying it. )

 

To unmask (Hm, I'm not sure about this word. Is there something stronger besides unmask? It's really just a personal choice, not saying it wouldn't work.) the lookalike, Tanvi must find the truth behind her cousin’s death. But her search is complicated by flashbacks into her past and visions of dark magic rituals. The closer she gets to the truth, the deeper she spirals into these flashbacks.

 

Unraveling her cousin's death and surviving Mimi’s double might cost Tanvi her sanity. (Boosh, nice.)

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 70,000 words.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.  (This is great, I love seeing the progress on these queries. It's gripping, and clear. Best of luck to you Suja.)


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#37 suja

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Posted 09 March 2016 - 07:16 PM

Thanks, Vanessa :) Appreciate your input. 



#38 suja

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Posted 15 March 2016 - 02:27 PM

Another attempt. Will return all query critiques.

 

For sixteen-year-old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is just a painful memory. But all that changes the day she comes home from school to find Mimi’s name scrawled across her bedroom wall and her aunt searching for her deceased daughter.

 

When Tanvi spots a girl who’s the spitting image of Mimi, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. Then the girl starts stalking her, running her off the road, and even implicating her in a local bully’s death. Tanvi soon finds out that the lookalike also knows about her past, especially her mom’s involvement with dark magic from India.

 

To unmask the double, Tanvi must find the truth behind her cousin’s death. But her search is complicated by flashbacks into her past and visions of dark magic rituals. The closer she gets to the truth, the deeper she spirals into these flashbacks.

 

Unraveling her cousin's death and surviving Mimi’s double might cost Tanvi her sanity.

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 72,000 words.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.



#39 Ireth

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Posted 15 March 2016 - 02:51 PM

Another attempt. Will return all query critiques.

 

For sixteen-year-old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is just a painful memory. (How long ago did the death happen?) Then one day she comes home from school to find Mimi’s name scrawled across her bedroom wall and her aunt searching for her deceased daughter.

 

When Tanvi spots a girl who’s the spitting image of Mimi, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. Then the girl starts stalking Tanvi, running her off the road, and even implicating her in a local bully’s death. Tanvi soon finds out that the lookalike also knows about her past, especially her mom’s involvement with dark magic from India.

 

To unmask the double, Tanvi must find the truth behind her cousin’s death. But her search is complicated by flashbacks into her past and visions of dark magic rituals. The closer she gets to the truth, the deeper she spirals into these flashbacks.

 

Unraveling her cousin's death and surviving Mimi’s double might cost Tanvi her sanity. (I'd possibly add something here about Tanvi's life being at stake, since the Mimi-lookalike seems to want that too. Running someone off the road is a pretty clear indicator.)

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 72,000 words.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#40 Kimseal

Kimseal

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Posted 15 March 2016 - 08:17 PM

This version is working for me. I like Ireth's suggestion of adding in when the cousin's death happened. Also like the idea of making It obvious that the stakes are life and death. Other than that, it's clear and interesting. Might be time to run with it.




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