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YA psychological thriller, will return the favor


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#41 JenPeters

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Posted 17 March 2016 - 01:37 PM

Another attempt. Will return all query critiques.

 

For sixteen-year-old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is just a painful memory. But all that changes the day she comes home from school to find Mimi’s name scrawled across her bedroom wall, and her aunt searching for her deceased daughter.

 

When Tanvi spots a girl who’s the spitting image of Mimi, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. Then the girl starts stalking her, running her off the road, and even implicating her in a local bully’s death. Tanvi soon finds out that the lookalike also knows about her past, especially her mom’s involvement with dark magic from India.

 

To unmask the double, Tanvi must find the truth behind her cousin’s death. But her search is complicated by flashbacks into her past and visions of dark magic rituals. The closer she gets to the truth, the deeper she spirals into these flashbacks (Could you say, "the past," and get the same effect?).

 

Unraveling her cousin's death and surviving Mimi’s double might cost Tanvi her sanity.

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 72,000 words.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

 

Looking good!


Please take a look at my query for THE BEAST here

And my synopsis here


#42 ltlibrarian

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Posted 17 March 2016 - 03:55 PM

Another attempt. Will return all query critiques.

 

For sixteen-year-old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is just a painful memory. But all that changes the day she comes home from school to find Mimi’s name scrawled across her bedroom wall and her aunt searching for her deceased daughter. - did the aunt do this? and that's what the delusions line is about? I didn't make that connection right away

 

When Tanvi spots a girl who’s the spitting image of Mimi, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. Then the girl starts stalking her, running her off the road, and even implicating her in a local bully’s death. Tanvi soon finds out that the lookalike also knows about her past, especially her mom’s involvement with dark magic from India.

 

To unmask the double, Tanvi must find the truth behind her cousin’s death. But her search is complicated by flashbacks into her past and visions of dark magic rituals. The closer she gets to the truth, the deeper she spirals into these flashbacks.

 

Unraveling her cousin's death and surviving Mimi’s double might cost Tanvi her sanity.

 

MAKING AMENDS is a 72,000 word YA psychological thriller, is complete at 72,000 words. - this is a personal thing, you wouldn't be querying if it wasn't complete so it goes without saying

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

 

I'm interested because you classify it as a thriller but it has magical elements. I like all the different elements to this story and you introduce them without it being overwhelming


Looking for feedback on my query, will return the favour!

 

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#43 Relle

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Posted 18 March 2016 - 12:13 AM

 

Another attempt. Will return all query critiques.

 

For sixteen-year-old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is just a painful memory. But all that changes the day she comes home from school to find Mimi’s name scrawled across her bedroom wall and her aunt searching for her deceased daughter. This made me think of Serial Experiments Lain, but I agree with the above: was it the aunt that did it, or the double?

 

When Tanvi spots a girl who’s the spitting image of Mimi, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. Then the girl starts stalking her, running her off the road, and even implicating her in a local bully’s death. Tanvi soon finds out that the lookalike also knows about her past, especially her mom’s involvement with dark magic from India. 'Her mom' being Tanvi's mom, or Mimi's (a.k.a. the aunt)?

 

To unmask the double, Tanvi must find the truth behind her cousin’s death. But her search is complicated by flashbacks into her past and visions of dark magic rituals. The closer she gets to the truth, the deeper she spirals into these flashbacks.

 

Unraveling her cousin's death and surviving Mimi’s double might cost Tanvi her sanity. Here I'd expect it would cost her life and her sanity, particularly with the double running her off the road. If it's costing her sanity, are the flashbacks really just delusions? I figured with magic abound, they'd be real.

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 72,000 words.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

 

I think it just needs some clarification in parts. Otherwise, looks good.


My query in need of critique - http://agentquerycon...ort-mg-fantasy/


#44 suja

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Posted 18 March 2016 - 10:21 AM

Thanks for all the help.

 

For sixteen-year old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is just a painful memory. But all that changes the day she comes home from school to find Mimi’s name scrawled across her bedroom wall and her aunt searching for her deceased daughter.

 

When Tanvi spots a girl who’s the spitting image of Mimi, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. Then the girl starts stalking Tanvi, running her off the road, and even implicating her in a local bully’s death. Tanvi soon finds out that the lookalike also knows about her past, especially her mom’s involvement with dark magic from India.

 

To unmask the lookalike, Tanvi must find the truth behind her cousin’s death. But her search is complicated by flashbacks into her past and visions of dark magic rituals. The closer she gets to the truth, the more she spirals into the past.

 

Unraveling her cousin’s death and defeating Mimi’s double at her own game could cost Tanvi her sanity. That is, if she doesn’t lose her life first.

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 72,000 words. (adding more personalization)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.



#45 Tanja

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Posted 20 March 2016 - 05:25 AM

Haven't been on AQC for a while. Busy querying, editing, etc etc. Anyhow, I came across your query and thought I might be able to help a little

 

For sixteen-year old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is just a painful memory. But all  I agree here. Wipe "all" and it makes it clearer. I had to read it a few times before to get what you were trying to say that changes the day she comes home from school to find Mimi’s name scrawled across her bedroom wall and her aunt searching for her deceased daughter.

 

When Tanvi spots a girl who’s the spitting image of Mimi, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. Then the girl starts stalking Tanvi, running her off the road, and even implicating her in a local bully’s death. Up until here, it's pretty good, but then you fall into vagueness Tanvi soon finds out that the lookalike also knows about her past, especially her mom’s involvement with dark magic from India. From here, you mention dark magic and Tanvi's past. That's were you star losing the tension of the query. Give more detail. It seems her past is important, so at least hint at it.

 

To unmask the lookalike, Tanvi must find the truth behind her cousin’s death. But her search is complicated by flashbacks into her past and visions of dark magic rituals. The closer she gets to the truth, the more she spirals into the past.

 

The paragraph above and below pretty much state the same

 

Unraveling her cousin’s death and defeating Mimi’s double at her own game could cost Tanvi her sanity. That is, if she doesn’t lose her life first.

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 72,000 words. (adding more personalization)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

What I'm questioning first is the genre. Dark magic ritual would be more classified as fantasy and not necessarily as psychological thriller. The first few paragraphs of the query aren't too bad. One of the best suggestions I had when writing queries was to concentrate on the first 50pgs of your MS. It seems you kind of do that. Where the query falls a little flat is when you go too vague. When you write: But her search is complicated by flashbacks into her past .... that doesn't say anything. Give more detail about it. Or even the local bully's death. Give more detail there how Tanvi is implicated into the bully's death. The more detail the better. Think about what gets your story moving in the first 50pgs and then add the stakes at the end.

 

Hope I could help a little :smile:


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#46 suja

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Posted 20 March 2016 - 07:15 PM

Thanks immensely. I don't know about it being a fantasy though. The MC's mom was involved in a type of black magic from India, a practice that still goes on. That comes out in the MC's thoughts or IM and is, by itself, a small part of the story. It's the psychological effect on the MC that runs the story. That, and the cousin's death. Any thoughts or input? 



#47 Tanja

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Posted 20 March 2016 - 11:40 PM

probably the whole magic that threw me :blink: but you wrote it's a small part of the story. If it's only small, then I wouldn't mention it in the query. Concentrate on the plot and the important things. So the cousin's death is the main thing. The psychological affects on the MC. So that's what you build your query on.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#48 C.Harmon

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Posted 22 March 2016 - 01:04 PM

Thanks for all the help.

 

For sixteen-year old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is just a painful memory. But all that changes the day she comes home from school to find Mimi’s name scrawled across her bedroom wall and her aunt searching for her deceased daughter.

 

When Tanvi spots a girl who’s the spitting image of Mimi, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. Then the girl starts stalking Tanvi, running her off the road, and even implicating her in a local bully’s death. Tanvi soon finds out that the lookalike also knows about her past, especially her mom’s involvement with dark magic from India.

 

To unmask the lookalike, Tanvi must find the truth behind her cousin’s death. But her search is complicated by flashbacks into her past and visions of dark magic rituals. The closer she gets to the truth, the more she spirals into the past. This paragraph has too much vague writing. I get what you're saying, but the writing sounds too cliched and general. The last sentence especially so. I think you should add more meaty information so the reader understands more of what you're saying. 

 

Unraveling her cousin’s death and defeating Mimi’s double at her own game could cost Tanvi her sanity. That is, if she doesn’t lose her life first. I think the last sentence could be rephrased to give a better punch. 

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 72,000 words. (adding more personalization)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

You've got a unique story, and I think once you get the query right, agents will be chomping at the bit to read what you have. You're almost there!



#49 suja

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Posted 22 March 2016 - 05:21 PM

Thanks!

 

For sixteen-year old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is just a painful memory. But that changes the day she comes home from school to find Mimi’s name scrawled across her bedroom wall and her aunt searching for her deceased daughter.

 

When Tanvi spots a girl who’s the spitting image of Mimi, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. Then the girl starts stalking Tanvi, running her off the road, and even implicating her in a local bully’s death. Tanvi soon finds out that the lookalike also knows about her past, especially her mom’s involvement with dark magic from India.

 

To unmask the lookalike, Tanvi must find the truth behind her cousin’s death. But her search is complicated by flashbacks into her past and visions of dark magic rituals. The closer she gets to the truth, the more she spirals into these hallucinations.

 

Defeating Mimi’s homicidal double at her own game could cost Tanvi her sanity, if not her life.

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 72,000 words.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. 



#50 ah_522

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Posted 26 March 2016 - 12:40 AM

I don't read psychological thrillers or anything like this, so take my advice with A LOT of salt. 

 

Thanks!

 

For sixteen-year old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is just a painful memory (This trips me up. Losing loved ones will always be painful, so saying it's 'just a painful memory' downplays the impact for me and negates what you're trying to say.). But that changes the day she comes home from school to find Mimi’s name scrawled across her bedroom wall and her aunt searching for her deceased daughter.

 

When Tanvi spots a girl who’s the spitting image of Mimi, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions which are? Just make it obvious, because I'm not sure if this means seeing the girl or something else?. Then the girl starts stalking Tanvi, running her off the road, and even implicating her in a local bully’s death. Tanvi soon finds out that the lookalike also knows about her past, especially her mom’s involvement with dark magic from India. (This comes out of nowhere. I was expecting this to be about the aunt, and if this deals with magic, then it should be hinted at earlier--maybe in the hook.)

 

To unmask the lookalike (but what is there to unmask? Her face? Her identity?), Tanvi must find the truth behind her cousin’s death. But her search is complicated by flashbacks into her past and visions of dark magic rituals. The closer she gets to the truth, the more she spirals into these hallucinations. Just to be clear, her mom's previous activities caused this? Is that what's going on? Otherwise I'm not sure how her mom's past affects her, unless this is like some Sabrina the Witch magic gene that will affect Tanvi too?

 

Defeating Mimi’s homicidal double at her own game could cost Tanvi her sanity, if not her life.

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 72,000 words.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. 

 

So I'm pretty rusty at this stuff, because I haven't done any query writing things in a while, but I'm not sure I understand what's going on. There's magic, there's murder, there's the typical YA stuff... but it all feels over the place. The aunt is never mentioned again, and since this started with her, I expected the end of your QL to end with her and Tanvi, instead of switching gears halfway through the letter. 

 

Of course, I could be completely confused and wrong, so feel free to disregard me. =) 

 

Good luck!



#51 bonanzajellybean

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Posted 26 March 2016 - 09:22 PM

Hi Suja,

 

I'm new to both querying and to this board, so I hope that I'm doing this right and that I'm not providing you useless feedback. First of all, I think that this query is very intriguing, and I would certainly buy your book based on it! I will note that I read your comment at the beginning that you'd posted a revised version here, so I didn't read the prior comments because I didn't want to be biased/have extrinsic information when I read this so I could give you feedback based on the information in the latest version alone. My comments are in red below.

 

For sixteen-year old Tanvi, her cousin Mimi’s death is just a painful memory. But that changes the day she comes home from school to find Mimi’s name scrawled across her bedroom wall and her aunt searching for her deceased daughter. [These two sentences make me wonder how much time has passed between her cousin's death and "the day she comes home from school." Not sure if you could sneak in some context in this opening paragraph without making it too dense.]

 

When Tanvi spots a girl who’s the spitting image of Mimi, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. [I agree with the poster above that I'm not clear what "seeing" the girl means in this context. Could you add a little something above that explains what her aunt saw/what triggered her search or add a little information here that could provide some context...eg. "when she spotted her at Starbuck's, grabbing her mocha latte from the barista" has a different connotation than "when she spots the girl for a moment in a crowd"? Part of this might be that it's not clear to me from the above whether the implication is that Mimi/the double scrawled the name or the aunt did. Did the aunt see her and go a little off the edge, or did the name on the wall trigger the delusions? I think that you're doing a great job of balancing providing enough details to intrigue the reader without giving too much away, but I was a little bit confused by this.] Then the girl starts stalking Tanvi, running her off the road, and even implicating her in a local bully’s death [this is great, because it suggests that other people see the double besides Tanvi and possibly her aunt]. Tanvi soon finds out that the lookalike also knows about her past, especially her mom’s involvement with dark magic from India.

 

To unmask the lookalike [I agree with the poster above that "unmask" in this context is not clear--does she need to prove to others that the double is not her cousin, or is this an evil creature that can assume her cousin's form and she needs to figure out what the creature is so that she can stop it]?, Tanvi must find the truth behind her cousin’s death. But her search is complicated by flashbacks into her [Tanvi's or her cousin's?] past and visions of dark magic rituals. The closer she gets to the truth, the more she spirals into these hallucinations [But are they potential hallucinations or are they definitively in her head? By referring to them as hallucinations, it feels less ambiguous to me.].

 

Defeating Mimi’s homicidal double at her own game could cost Tanvi her sanity, if not her life. [great establishing the stakes! and great way to end!]

 

MAKING AMENDS, a YA psychological thriller, is complete at 72,000 words.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. 

 

In my 100% non-expert opinion, I really like your story/concept and think that your query letter is very strong. In fact, I am jealous because it seems to pack so much in without being wordy, which is the problem I'm running into!  Good luck with querying!



#52 suja

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Posted 27 March 2016 - 12:11 AM

Thanks so much. Revised version and new title. I placed the word count and genre at the beginning since, from what i read, agents want to see that right off the bat. Looks like they often don't read the entire query if the first few lines don't hook them. Anyway, here goes

 

 

I hope to interest you in my 72,000 word YA psychological thriller. In HIDE ME AWAY, terrible secrets from her past threaten to derail an Indian-American orphan’s battle for a normal life with the only family she has left, her aunt.

 

Sixteen-year-old Tanvi would like to let go her past, especially the events leading to her orphaned state, and the death of her cousin Mimi five years ago. Then one day she returns home from school to find her aunt insisting Mimi is alive.

 

When Tanvi spots a girl in town who’s the spitting image of her deceased cousin, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. Then the girl starts stalking Tanvi, running her off the road, and even implicating her in a local bully’s death. Tanvi soon finds out that the lookalike also knows about her past, like how her mom was under the influence of Indian dark magic when she murdered Tanvi’s dad.

 

To expose the double's true identity, Tanvi must find the truth behind her cousin’s death. But the search breaks down the barrier Tanvi has created against her past and leads her into flashbacks: images of dark magic rituals and her dad’s bleeding body on the patio. Soon the line between the past and present gets blurred, as does the line between reality and delusion.

 

Defeating Mimi’s homicidal double at her own game could cost Tanvi her sanity, if not her life.

 

HIDE ME AWAY might appeal to readers of Megan Miranda and Gail Giles’s thrillers. It also contains some elements similar to Stephen King’s CARRIE. I am a member of SCBWI.  I am also an Indian-American writer and physician living in Michigan, where this story is set.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. 



#53 brandonyoung

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Posted 27 March 2016 - 05:37 AM

I hope to interest you in my 72,000 word YA psychological thriller. (In regards to the location of WC and genre, I honestly don't think it matters. Agents are busy. If you put that stuff first, they're probably only going to skim it anyway and get straight into the actual important stuff.) In HIDE ME AWAY, terrible secrets from her past threaten to derail an Indian-American orphan’s battle for a normal life with the only family she has left, her aunt. Shouldn't you make this stuff present in your query, rather than telling us?

 

Sixteen-year-old Tanvi would like wants to let go escape her past, especially the events leading to her orphaned state, and the death of her cousin Mimi five years ago. Then one day she returns home from school to find her aunt insisting Mimi is alive. I'm not entirely sold on the way these two sentences play off each other. I guess what you're trying to give us is 'Tanvi is an orphan. But then one day her aunt randomly says her dead cousin is, in fact, not so dead.'

 

When Tanvi spots a girl in town who’s the spitting image of her deceased cousin, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. Then the girl starts stalking Tanvi, running her off the road, and even implicating her in a local bully’s death. Tanvi soon finds out that the lookalike also knows about her past, like how her mom was under the influence of Indian dark magic when she murdered Tanvi’s dad. This is a little bit wordy, a bit 'telly', but I like the story beneath it.

 

To expose the double's true identity, Tanvi must find the truth behind her cousin’s death. But the search breaks down the barrier Tanvi has created against her past and leads her into flashbacks: images of dark magic rituals and her dad’s bleeding body on the patio. Soon the line between the past and present gets blurred, as does the line between reality and delusion.

 

Defeating Mimi’s homicidal double at her own game could cost Tanvi her sanity, if not her life. I don't think you need this, because it's basically implied in the previous paragraph. The point you're stumbling around is 'Tanvi might go completely mad'.

 

HIDE ME AWAY might appeal to readers of Megan Miranda and Gail Giles’s thrillers. It also contains some elements similar to Stephen King’s CARRIE. I am a member of SCBWI.  I am also an Indian-American writer and physician living in Michigan, where this story is set.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. 


If you have time, I'd love your feedback on my query...

 

http://agentquerycon...-space-fantasy/

 

...or my synopsis:

 

COMING SOON


#54 suja

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Posted 27 March 2016 - 11:06 AM

Thanks :smile: New version:

 

I hope to interest you in my 72,000 word YA psychological thriller. In HIDE ME AWAY, secrets from her past threaten to derail an Indian-American orphan’s battle for a normal life with the only family she has left, her aunt.

 

Sixteen-year-old Tanvi wants to escape her past, especially the events leading to her orphaned state, and the death of her cousin Mimi five years ago. But one day she returns home from school to find her aunt searching the neighborhood for Mimi.

 

When Tanvi spots a girl across the street who’s the spitting image of her deceased cousin, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. Then the girl starts stalking Tanvi, running her off the road, and even implicating her in a local bully’s death. Tanvi soon finds out that the lookalike also knows about her past, like how her mom was under the influence of Indian dark magic when she murdered Tanvi’s dad.

 

To expose the double, Tanvi must find the truth behind her cousin’s death. But her search breaks down the barrier Tanvi has created against her past and leads her into flashbacks: images of dark magic rituals and her dad’s bleeding body on the patio. Soon the line between the past and present gets blurred, as does the line between reality and delusion.

 

Defeating Mimi’s homicidal double at her own game could cost Tanvi her sanity, if not her life.

 

HIDE ME AWAY might appeal to readers of Megan Miranda and Gail Giles’s thrillers. It also contains some elements similar to Stephen King’s CARRIE. I am a member of SCBWI.  I am also an Indian-American writer and physician living in Michigan, where this story is set.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. 



#55 bonanzajellybean

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Posted 27 March 2016 - 05:52 PM

I'm finally figuring out how to use this board! I can't believe you've already revised so much since yesterday! Major Props!

 

 



Thanks :smile: New version:

 

I hope to interest you in my 72,000 word YA psychological thriller. In HIDE ME AWAY, secrets from her past threaten to derail an Indian-American orphan’s [this may be idiosyncratic, but I find it a bit jolting when "her" is used before the name/description of the character so maybe consider reversing the order? I don't think it's at all major/required but may just be a personal preference] battle for a normal life with the only family she has left, her aunt.[great job of establishing the stakes! This is much clearer to me now]

 

Sixteen-year-old Tanvi wants to escape her past, especially the events leading to her orphaned state, and the death of her cousin Mimi five years ago. [I think this is just a matter of the comma confusing me, but I'm assuming the events leading to her orphaned state also led to the death of her cousin? If so, consider removing the comma after "orphaned state." If not, consider revising to clarify that "escape her past" specifically refers to the events -->orphaned state and that she is also trying to escape the death of her cousin. I hope that makes sense I was just a bit confused by this sentence.] But one day she returns home from school to find her aunt searching the neighborhood for Mimi.

 

When Tanvi spots a girl across the street who’s the spitting image of her deceased cousin, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. [this is now perfectly clear to me. Great job!] Then the girl starts stalking Tanvi, running her off the road, and even implicating her in a local bully’s death. Tanvi soon finds out that the lookalike also knows about her past, like how her mom was under the influence of Indian dark magic when she murdered Tanvi’s dad.

 

To expose the double, Tanvi must find the truth behind her cousin’s death. But her search breaks down the barrier Tanvi has created against her past and leads her into flashbacks: images of dark magic rituals and her dad’s bleeding body on the patio. Soon the line between the past and present gets blurred, as does the line between reality and delusion.

 

Defeating Mimi’s homicidal double at her own game could cost Tanvi her sanity, if not her life.

 

HIDE ME AWAY might appeal to readers of Megan Miranda and Gail Giles’s thrillers. It also contains some elements similar to Stephen King’s CARRIE. I am a member of SCBWI.  I am also an Indian-American writer and physician living in Michigan, where this story is set.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. 

 

 

This is an amazing revision/query. You've done such a great job clarifying everything I didn't understand in the earlier version, and it reads so smoothly now. Good luck with querying!



#56 speedchuck

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Posted 28 March 2016 - 11:14 AM

Thanks :smile: New version:

 

I hope to interest you in my 72,000 word YA psychological thriller. In HIDE ME AWAY, secrets from her past threaten to derail an Indian-American orphan’s battle for a normal life with the only family she has left, her aunt. I agree that putting 'her' before describing the girl is a bit jolting. The MC's desires are good here, the only thing I noticed is that you have her as an orphan, and you have the secrets. You link the two in the next sentence, so it might be messy, but it would be cool if they were linked a little here.

 

Sixteen-year-old Tanvi wants to escape her past, especially the events leading to her orphaned state, and the death of her cousin Mimi five years ago. But one day she returns home from school to find her aunt searching the neighborhood for Mimi.

 

When Tanvi spots a girl across the street who’s the spitting image of her deceased cousin, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. Then the girl starts stalking Tanvi, running her off the road, If these two clauses describe how Tanvi is being stalked, you don't need this comma and even implicating her in a local bully’s death. Tanvi soon finds out that the lookalike also knows about her past, like how her mom was Using 'like how' sounds awkward. Maybe something like: 'and about her mom being' under the influence of Indian dark magic when she murdered Tanvi’s dad.

 

To expose the double, Tanvi must find the truth behind her cousin’s death. But her search breaks down the barrier Tanvi has created against her past and leads her into flashbacks: (repressed might be a strong word to put here) images of dark magic rituals and her dad’s bleeding body on the patio. Soon the line between the past and present gets blurred, as does the line between reality and delusion.

 

Defeating Mimi’s homicidal double at her own game could cost Tanvi her sanity, if not her life.

 

HIDE ME AWAY might appeal to readers of Megan Miranda and Gail Giles’s thrillers. It also contains some elements similar to Stephen King’s CARRIE. I am a member of SCBWI.  I am also an Indian-American writer and physician living in Michigan, where this story is set.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. 

 

This is really good. Get rid of the commas that are unneeded and possibly confusion, and slightly rephrase a couple of things and I think you'll have it!



#57 Thrash

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Posted 29 March 2016 - 06:46 PM

To give you a fresh eyes impression, I want to note that this is the first version I've read. 

 

 

I hope to interest you in my 72,000 word YA psychological thriller. In HIDE ME AWAY, secrets from her Who?  Always use proper noun before pronoun. Also, this sentence may actally work better at the end for me? I know it can be awkward diving into story, but remember if the subject line says "query" most likely agent's eyes are glazing over pleasantries anyway. past threaten to derail an Indian-American orphan’s battle for a normal life with the only family she has left, her aunt.

 

Sixteen-year-old Tanvi wants to escape her past, especially the  memory of? (a bit wordy, plus "escape her past" is abstract and s bit cliche, get to the concrete, which is usually the compelling elements) events leading to her orphaned state, and the death of her cousin Mimi five years ago. But one day she returns home from school to find her aunt searching the neighborhood for Mimi. Can you be any more specific on what events led to her "orphaned state"? Could you also not say "wants to forget the death of her parents and cousin?"

 

When Tanvi spots a girl across the street who’s the spitting image of her deceased cousin, she understands what triggered her aunt’s delusions. Then the girl  The look-alike starts stalking Tanvi, running her off the road, and even implicating her in a local bully’s death. Tanvi soon finds out that the lookalike also knows about her past, like how her mom was under the influence of Indian dark magic when she murdered Tanvi’s dad. This paragraph is WAY more interesting than anything above it. Bring this stuff up.

 

To expose the double, Tanvi must find the truth behind her cousin’s death. But her search breaks down the barrier Tanvi has created against her past and leads her into flashbacks: images of dark magic rituals and her dad’s bleeding body on the patio. Soon the line between the past and present gets blurred, as does the line between reality and delusion.

 

Defeating Mimi’s homicidal double at her own game could cost Tanvi her sanity, if not her life.

 

HIDE ME AWAY might appeal to readers of Megan Miranda and Gail Giles’s thrillers. It also contains some elements similar to Stephen King’s CARRIE. I am a member of SCBWI.  I am also an Indian-American writer and physician living in Michigan, where this story is set.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. 

 

 

The second half of this is much stronger than the first.  Try to condense so you can get to the look-alike with the first fifteen words or so. 



#58 suja

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Posted 04 December 2016 - 04:16 PM

Returning after a long break and a completely rewritten novel based on an R&R. The plot is different and the query has changed, too. TIA.

 

After being orphaned a decade ago, seventeen-year-old Indian-American Tanvi Nair is determined to put her past behind her and take care of her aunt who suffers from depression. Ever since her cousin, Mimi, ran away five years ago, her aunt has resorted to praying to every deity in the Hindu pantheon, hoping her daughter would return. Tanvi hopes so, too, though she has no memory of what happened the day Mimi ran away.

 

Then one day Tanvi spots a girl with a scarred face across the street. The girl’s mannerisms and voice mimics her missing cousin’s. She also seems aware of Tanvi’s past, like her dad’s murder and her mom’s involvement with dark magic rituals from India.

 

But her attempt to approach the girl is met with hostility. After getting her to admit she is Mimi, Tanvi tries to take her home, but the girl attacks her with a knife and flees after Tanvi disarms her. Then a local bully at school is found stabbed with that same knife with Tanvi’s fingerprints on it. 

 

Now Tanvi has to convince the police of her innocence. And she has to track Mimi down since no one else believes her cousin is back. But tracking Mimi down would require piecing together the events of the day Mimi vanished, the day that is missing from Tanvi’s memory.

 

Bringing her cousin home could cost Tanvi her sanity, if not her life.

 

Hide Me Away might appeal to readers of Megan Miranda and Gail Giles’s thrillers. I am an Indian immigrant (and physician) settled in Michigan where my 62,000 word psychological thriller is set. I am a member of SCBWI.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.



#59 Daniel Andrews

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Posted 04 December 2016 - 10:47 PM

Returning after a long break and a completely rewritten novel based on an R&R. The plot is different and the query has changed, too. TIA.

 

After being orphaned a decade ago, seventeen-year-old Indian-American Tanvi Nair is determined to put her past behind her and take care of her aunt who suffers from depression. Every Ever? since her cousin, Mimi, ran away five years ago, her aunt has resorted to praying to every deity in the Hindu pantheon, hoping her daughter would return. Tanvi hopes so, too, though she has no memory of what happened the day Mimi ran away.

 

Then one day Tanvi spots a girl with a scarred face across the street. The girl’s mannerisms and voice is exactly like her missing cousin’s. She also seems aware of Tanvi’s past, like her dad’s murder by her mom.

 

But her attempt to approach the girl is met with hostility. After getting her to admit she is Mimi, Tanvi tries to take her home, but the girl attacks her with a knife and flees after Tanvi disarms her. Then a local bully at school is found stabbed with that same knife with Tanvi’s fingerprints on it. 

 

Now Tanvi has to convince the police of her innocence. For that she has to track Mimi down since no one else believes her cousin is back. But tracking Mimi down would require piecing together the events of the day Mimi vanished.

 

Bringing her cousin home could cost Tanvi her sanity, if not her life. I would stick with the primary conflict of proving her innocence to the police. Bringing her sanity into question here doesn't really fall in line with the rest of the query.

 

Hide Me Away might appeal to readers of Megan Miranda and Gail Giles’s thrillers. I am an Indian immigrant (and physician) settled in Michigan where my 62,000 word YA thriller is set. I am a member of SCBWI.

 

This is interesting. There is a clear conflict but I am left with quite a few questions by the end. For instance, what makes Tanvi think she will be able to bring Mimi home after she has tried to stab her with a knife? I don't quite understand how this works, does she plan on turning her into the police? Or there is some reason she will change her mind and make amends ? I feel like I am missing some crucial piece of information. If the situation is she has to catch and find Mimi to prove her innocence to the police, then this all makes sense.

 

Upon further reading, it is the line "Bringing her cousin home," that is causing the confusion. Otherwise I think there are the makings of a good query here, this is pretty close.

 

My query The Festival (Literary Fiction) is also posted on the forum here if you wouldn't mind taking a look, keep up the hard work !


The Road To Getting Published: https://www.youtube....-0wTffY7TekGDiA


#60 RosieSkye

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Posted 04 December 2016 - 11:20 PM

Returning after a long break and a completely rewritten novel based on an R&R. The plot is different and the query has changed, too. TIA.

 

After being orphaned a decade ago, seventeen-year-old Indian-American Tanvi Nair is determined to put her past behind her and take care of her aunt who suffers from depression. Ever since her cousin, Mimi, ran away five years ago, her aunt has resorted to praying to every deity in the Hindu pantheon, hoping her daughter would return. Tanvi hopes so, too, though she has no memory of what happened the day Mimi ran away. (After reading the rest of your query, all this detail about her aunt seems superfluous. I'd just introduce Mimi without mentioning the aunt.)

 

Then one day Tanvi spots a girl with a scarred face across the street. The girl’s mannerisms and voice mimics ("mimic" singular) her missing cousin’s. She also seems aware of Tanvi’s past, like her dad’s murder and her mom’s involvement with dark magic rituals from India.

 

But her attempt to approach the girl is met with hostility. After getting her to admit she is Mimi, Tanvi tries to take her home, but the girl attacks her with a knife and flees after Tanvi disarms her. Then a local bully at school is found stabbed with that same knife with Tanvi’s fingerprints on it. (So are Mimi's fingerprints not on the knife at all? How does she get the knife back after Tanvi disarms her?)  

 

Now Tanvi has to convince the police of her innocence. And she has to track Mimi down since no one else believes her cousin is back. But tracking Mimi down would will require piecing together the events of the day Mimi vanished, the day that is missing from Tanvi’s memory.

 

Bringing her cousin home could cost Tanvi her sanity, if not her life.

 

Hide Me Away (all caps) might will appeal to readers of Megan Miranda and Gail Giles’s thrillers. I am an Indian immigrant (and physician) settled in Michigan where my 62,000 word psychological thriller is set. I am a member of SCBWI.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

 

 

All the bones of your query are here - I think you just need to dress up the language a bit.  I'm interested in the story, but not captivated - but I think your story could certainly be captivating if described in a more engaging, gripping manner.

 

Hope this helps!






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