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YA psychological thriller, will return the favor


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#81 suja

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Posted 18 March 2017 - 07:39 AM

Newest version. TIA.

 

Since you have expressed an interest in own voices Young Adult novels, I would like to present my diverse YA thriller, HIDE ME AWAY. Complete at 62,000 words, this novel in which secrets from the past threaten to destroy an Indian-American orphan’s life will appeal to readers of Megan Miranda and Lauren Oliver.

 

Seventeen-year-old Tanvi has one wish—that her cousin would return home. Mimi vanished five years ago and has since been presumed dead. Until one day when Tanvi spots Mimi in her neighborhood. Any elation she feels turns to shock when Mimi attacks her. After Mimi frames her in a classmate’s death and then disappears again, Tanvi realizes her cousin isn’t craving a reunion—she’s out to destroy her.

 

When a knife bearing Tanvi’s fingerprints is found next to the classmate’s body, she becomes the primary suspect. To prove her innocence, she must smoke Mimi out into the open and convince the cops that the girl they’d presumed dead is very much alive. But, with Mimi in hiding again and the clues mounting against her, she has hours to prove her cousin is the real killer or risk losing her own life.   



#82 strangeface

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Posted 18 March 2017 - 09:10 PM

Newest version. TIA.

 

Since you have expressed an interest in own voices Young Adult novels, I would like to present my diverse YA thriller, HIDE ME AWAY. Complete at 62,000 words, this novel in which secrets from the past threaten to destroy an Indian-American orphan’s life will appeal to readers of Megan Miranda and Lauren Oliver.

 

Seventeen-year-old Tanvi has one wish— I'd use a colon here. that her cousin Mimi would return home. Mimi vanished five years ago and has since been presumed dead. Until one day when Tanvi spots Mimi in her neighborhood. This isn't a complete sentence. And it isn't an incomplete sentence in the good kind of way. Any elation she feels turns to shock when Mimi attacks her. After Mimi frames her in for a classmate’s death and then disappears again Very sudden. What just happened? What classmate? I'm quite disoriented right now., Tanvi realizes her cousin isn’t craving a reunion—she’s out to destroy her.

 

When a knife bearing Tanvi’s fingerprints is found next to the classmate’s body, she becomes the primary suspect. Didn't you just say this, but with less specifics. You can fuse the sentences, you know. It sounds like retreading the same ground. To prove her innocence, she must smoke Mimi out into the open and convince the cops that the girl they’d presumed dead is very much alive. How does that prove Mimi framed her? But, with Mimi in hiding again and the clues against Tanvi mounting against her, she Tanvi (characters of the same gender being in the sentence often creates confusion, but I tried to create a less head-scratching possibility.) has hours to prove her cousin is the real killer or risk losing her own life Why would she lose her life? You didn't say anything about execution before..   

 

You have the stakes, but the hook needs a bit of work. Overall, it's getting there, but it does need some brushing-up.

 

Good luck :)



#83 suja

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Posted 18 March 2017 - 09:38 PM

Thanks :) 

 

Since you have expressed an interest in own voices Young Adult novels, I would like to present my diverse YA thriller, HIDE ME AWAY. Complete at 62,000 words, this novel in which secrets from the past threaten to destroy an Indian-American orphan’s life will appeal to readers of Megan Miranda and Lauren Oliver.

 

Seventeen-year-old Tanvi has one wish: that her cousin Mimi would return home. Mimi vanished five years ago and has been presumed dead since. Until one day when Tanvi spots Mimi in her neighborhood. Her elation turns to shock when her cousin attacks her. Soon after that, Mimi frames her for a classmate’s death and then disappears again.

Tanvi realizes her cousin isn’t craving a reunion—she’s out to destroy her.

 

To prove her innocence, she must smoke Mimi out and convince the cops that the girl they’d presumed dead is very much alive. But, with Mimi in hiding again and the clues against Tanvi mounting, Tanci has mere hours to prove her cousin is the real killer or risk being arrested for a crime she didn’t commit.   



#84 dragoness

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Posted 19 March 2017 - 05:13 AM

It's much better, short and sharp  :smile:

 

Here are my detailed comments:

 

Since you have expressed an interest in own voices ? Young Adult novels, I would like to present my diverse YA thriller, HIDE ME AWAY. Complete at 62,000 words, this novel, (comma) in which secrets from the past threaten to destroy an Indian-American orphan’s life, (comma) will appeal to readers of Megan Miranda and Lauren Oliver.

 

Seventeen-year-old Tanvi has one wish: that her cousin Mimi would return home. Mimi vanished five years ago and has been presumed dead since., (I think this way the sentence is more fluent and clear.) U until one day when Tanvi spots Mimi in her neighborhood. Her elation turns to shock when her cousin attacks her. Soon after that, Mimi frames her for a classmate’s death and then disappears again.

 

 

Tanvi realizes her cousin isn’t craving a reunion—she’s out to destroy her.

 

To prove her innocence, she must smoke Mimi out and convince the cops that the girl they’d presumed dead is very much alive. But, with Mimi in hiding again and the clues against Tanvi mounting, Tancvi has mere hours to prove her cousin is the real killer, (comma) or risk being arrested for a crime she didn’t commit. (The last sentence is better be split to short ones, to be clarified and end with a strong saying. You can delete the last part of "or risk being arrested for a crime she didn’t commit." because you've already said it, and "the real killer" is an excellent ending.)  

Good luck!

 

I'd be happy if you'd like to look at my new query: http://agentquerycon...ue/#entry336240



#85 suja

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Posted 19 March 2017 - 07:51 AM

Thanks :) New version:

 

 

Since you have expressed an interest in own voices Young Adult novels, I would like to present my diverse YA thriller, HIDE ME AWAY. Complete at 62,000 words, this novel, in which secrets from the past threaten to destroy an Indian-American orphan’s life, will appeal to readers of Megan Miranda and Lauren Oliver.

 

Seventeen-year-old Tanvi has one wish: that her cousin Mimi would return home. Mimi vanished five years ago and has been presumed dead, until one day Tanvi spots Mimi in her neighborhood. But her elation turns to shock when her cousin attacks her. She escapes the near-fatal attack, but is left at a loss for the reason behind Mimi’s hatred. Soon after, Mimi frames her in a classmate’s death and then disappears again, and Tanvi realizes her cousin isn’t craving a reunion—she’s out to destroy her.

 

To prove her innocence, she must smoke Mimi out and convince the cops that the girl they’d presumed dead is very much alive. But, with Mimi in hiding again and the clues against Tanvi mounting, Tanvi has mere hours to prove her cousin is the real killer, or risk being arrested for a crime she didn’t commit.   



#86 perpetual

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Posted 19 March 2017 - 04:46 PM

I think the new query looks good. A few thoughts:

 

The last paragraph makes it sound like Mimi killed the classmate? Is this right? If so, I think it needs to be clearer earlier.

Also, I presume Tanvi may have a moral dilemma in turning in her cousin that she obviously loves. I think the query could be stronger if this is addressed briefly.

And finally, #ownvoices is not just about having diverse cast in novels but also addressing specifically how being e.g. Indian-American affects your every day life. I assume this is addressed in your story, so I think it also needs to come across in your query.

 

Best wishes. I hope this helps! :)


Query: Click here.

 


#87 suja

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Posted 19 March 2017 - 05:57 PM

Thanks :) I did add my ethnicity to the bio part of my query, and the Indian-American culture does play a large part in the story (though not the main part, since it's a thriller)



#88 smithgirl

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Posted 19 March 2017 - 07:35 PM

Since you have expressed an interest in own voices (?) You mean unique/unique voices? Young Adult novels, I would like to present my diverse Diverse? Not sure wha you mean by that. YA thriller, HIDE ME AWAY. Complete at 62,000 words no co this novel, in which secrets from the past threaten to destroy an Indian-American orphan’s life, will appeal to readers of Megan Miranda and Lauren Oliver. I usually put this at the end.

 

​I think maybe you are referring to racial diversity. I think you could rephrase to make that clearer.

 

 

Seventeen-year-old Tanvi has one wish: that her cousin Mimi would return home. Mimi vanished five years ago and is has been presumed dead, until one day Tanvi spots Mimi in her Tanvi or Mimi's?  neighborhood. But her elation turns to shock when her cousin attacks her. Maybe be more specific here. Attacks her verbally? With a knife? Beats her? She escapes the near-fatal attack, but is left at a loss for the reason behind Mimi’s hatred. It's a near-fatal attack, so is Mimi in the hospital afterward? Soon after, Mimi frames her in a classmate’s death How? and then disappears again, and Tanvi realizes her cousin isn’t craving a reunion—she’s out to destroy her. This is good. Makes us wonder why that would be the case. 

 

To prove her innocence, Tanvi must smoke Mimi out and convince the cops that the girl they’d presumed dead is very much alive. But, with Mimi in hiding again and the clues against Tanvi mounting, Tanvi has mere hours to prove her cousin is the real killer, or risk being arrested for a crime she didn’t commit.  These are good stakes.

 

I definitely have a clear idea what your story is about, but I think you need to flesh out some of the details. Your query is very short, so you can easily add some words back and also try to insert some voice. It just sounds a bit skeletal right now. I also had some trouble following the pronouns sometimes. I also have to MCs of the same gender, so I face that and other difficulties similar to yours. If you get a chance, could you please look at my query, too? thanks! 

http://agentquerycon...rade-critiques/



#89 Vio Liddell

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Posted 25 March 2017 - 10:20 AM

Hi! I second Smithgirl's comments: this version is very short and for me you've lost some important details on the way :unsure: It also lacks voice and emotion. Maybe you could add back the facts that Mimi ran away (and not just vanished) five years ago, that Tanvi was orphaned and lives with her aunt (I'd put this in the synopsis, not in the title/word count/genre part), that the girl she spots in her neighborhood has a scarred face and acts like Mimi but may not be her... All of this was great! You don't need to expand on these facts, just mention them in a nice way to hook us in and set the unique tone of your story.

 

I also agree with Perpetual about Tanvi's moral dilemma in turning in her beloved cousin. You could highlight this to make your query even stronger.

 

Oh, and I loved the "her cousin isn't after a reunion—she's after her life" line. So punchy!

 

As for the ending, I think it was stronger when you said that the whole thing could cost Tanvi her sanity, if not her life. Better feeling of the stakes here and emotional level higher than with "risk being arrested for a crime she didn't commit".

 

I've updated my query for The Hero Syndrome if you're interested. Your feedback has been very helpful so far: http://agentquerycon...fantasy-rev-18/

 

Good luck again!






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