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Sanctuary (modern fantasy)


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#1 Monks

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Posted 18 May 2011 - 09:51 AM

Well here it is, the dreaded synopsis. So much harder than a query (nevermind the novel itself). It's probably a bit too long, but I'm not totally sure on that.

Michael Hamilton is a typical mathematician: his head is in the clouds, he is an admitted workaholic, and he believes fervently in the importance of his work. His wife Lisa is his anchor, the only thing keeping him from drifting away entirely into a world of numbers and equations – that is, until Michael finds her dead of an aneurysm in their apartment in Chicago. Michael is no longer able to focus. His work becomes impossible, and he is devastated by the loss of his companion. But he is practical perhaps to a fault and begins the arduous task of redirecting his life.

He does not have to wait very long. Soon after his wife’s funeral, Lisa’s lawyer comes to visit Michael at his home. Michael did not even know that Lisa employed a lawyer. As it turned out, there was much about Lisa that Michael did not know. The enigmatic lawyer has a packet for Michael. Inside it is a letter from Lisa and a deed to a plot of land in rural West Virginia. According to the lawyer, Lisa had been saving this packet for Michael for years, ensuring that he would inherit the property when she died. Her letter implored Michael to visit, and so, to satisfy his wife’s final request and to sate his own curiosity, he packed his bags.

What Michael finds in West Virginia defies his attempts at explanation. The plot of land is massive, but wild and overgrown. He spends days exploring the forest, alternatively trying to logically puzzle out its purpose and running through it like a madman, drunk on its wildness. The forest haunts Michael during his stay, making him intensely uneasy as it simultaneously enchants and seduces him. Despite asking around town, no one is able to give him any useful information about it – though he does befriend Mr. Harrison, a local diner owner who will ultimately turn into his best friend in West Virginia.

Before a week has passed, Michael’s better judgment overcomes his fascination, and he flees back to Chicago. He is frustrated by the mysterious, inscrutable nature of his wife’s last request, so contrary to her usual character. As he debates with himself what to do with the land, he receives another visit from Lisa’s lawyer. He urges Michael to reconsider his hasty departure from West Virginia, causing him to feel guilty about abandoning Lisa so soon after he had arrived.

Michael makes his decision: having no remaining ties to Chicago, he moves to West Virginia, determined to spend his remaining years honoring his wife’s request, despite how little sense it made to him at the time. After he arrives, a midnight visit to his land leaves him inspired: he is going to build a house, a monstrous mansion in the middle of the forest. He begins immediately, working tirelessly. His methods are crude (he is just one man, after all), but he is smart, and with a little help from Mr. Harrison, he soon has a few rooms which he calls his home.

Michael continues to build, enthralled by the real, physical nature of his work. It is the opposite of mathematics, as he sees it, and it is infinitely refreshing. His peace of mind, however, does not last. In the weeks after he moves into his house, he begins to question his own sanity. Rooms start appearing in the house, rooms that look like his but that he cannot remember building. As this goes on, Michael rationalizes that he must have simply forgotten about the rooms in his excitement.

This explanation becomes less believable, however, when Michael wakes up one morning to find a strangely familiar man in his bedroom. The man identifies himself as Andrew Winston, and he claims to be the house’s butler. When questioned further, Andrew says that he has served as the house’s butler for his entire life, just like his father before him – and he is thrilled that Michael has arrived. Michael abandons all pretense of knowing just what is going on in his new home, but his work is more important. He continues building with Andrew’s assistance and soon grows to trust the quiet butler.

Everything changes when Michael meets Makeeda. He found her in his kitchen one morning, a resplendent, youthful woman, who leaves Michael stammering and breathless. Like Andrew, she claims to have been living in his home for her entire life. Michael is slightly annoyed that people keep insisting that he did not in fact build his own home, but Makeeda is so charming that he cannot help but fall for her. She becomes his constant companion, and despite Michael’s lingering feelings of guilt, they soon become quite smitten with one another.

For a time, Michael and Makeeda are supremely happy, building and exploring the house as it expands around them. It had grown massive over the months, stretching fives stories into the sky. But everything changed the day Michael found a study. In the study was a journal – a journal very similar to his own, in a study that looked almost identical. While Michael was exploring this new appearance, he was accosted by an angry visitor. The visitor screamed at Michael to get out of his house, shoving him to the ground before storming off.

Michael returns to his friends and questions them, and they both admit to knowing the strange visitor. Andrew says that he was the house’s master long before Michael arrived, and Makeeda evasively confesses to having some kind of relationship with him. Michael is furious. He would not have some madman trying to steal his house from him. But at the same time, the visitor seemed to know something about Michael’s house, knowledge Michael was desperate to obtain. One night, to Makeeda’s protests, Michael returns to the mysterious study and steals the visitor’s journal without confrontation.

When she sees what Michael has done, Makeeda is terrified. She knew something about the visitor, something she did not tell Michael – but she was trying to protect him all the same. Ultimately, her desperate pleading got the better of him. He promised to put the visitor out of his mind, to let him live in the fifth story, while Michael, Makeeda, and Andrew continued their work down below.

For weeks, they continue peacefully. Michael forgets all about the visitor, and he simply builds and lives with Makeeda and Andrew, joyfully carefree. But it doesn’t last. One night, Michael wakes up with a splitting headache, a storm raging outside. His lust for knowledge about his house has returned, and he voraciously devours the visitor’s journal, desperate to learn anything he can about his strange home.

The visitor’s journal is a twisted mirror of Michael’s own. Like Michael, the visitor found himself lost in a house he did not understand, and he devoted every waking moment to figuring it out, gradually becoming more and more deranged. Michael knows that, in order to truly understand what is happening to him, he must confront the visitor.

Cold to Makeeda’s pleas, he ascends the many stairs towards the visitor’s study. Confronting the man inside, he demands to know the house’s secrets. The visitor claims, despite all his study, not to know anything. He is mad, almost too delusional to understand. In his rage and frustration, Michael attacks him with a letter opener, killing him in his own study. As the visitor dies, he tries to tell Michael something, but he is unable to make it out.

When Michael returns downstairs, Makeeda is hopeful that they can go back to their life together. Michael knows better. He knows that he must take up the visitor’s work, must understand the house even if the visitor could not.

Surprisingly, Andrew is able to provide some of the answers Michael seeks. Andrew admits to having tricked Michael. Lisa never had a lawyer. Andrew wrote the letter, and Andrew gave Michael the land. It was Andrew who brought Michael to West Virginia, who had him build this house. Michael believes him, but his obsession with his house does not diminish. He is not angry, nor does he feel betrayed. As fanatic as ever, Michael resolves to continue his work.
Would greatly appreciate critiques of my synopsis!

#2 bkeats

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Posted 18 May 2011 - 11:20 AM

Well here it is, the dreaded synopsis. So much harder than a query (nevermind the novel itself). It's probably a bit too long, (You're way overlong actually, but don't worry. The more we have to work with at the start, the easier it will be to craft future and shorter versions) but I'm not totally sure on that.

MICHAEL HAMILTON is a typical sterotypical mathematician: his head is in the clouds, he is an admitted workaholic, and he believes fervently in the importance of his work. His wife LISA is his anchor, the only thing keeping him from drifting away entirely into a world of numbers and equations – that is, until Michael finds her dead of an aneurysm in their apartment in Chicago. Michael is no longer able to focus. His work becomes impossible, and he is devastated by the loss, of his companion. but he is practical- perhaps to a fault- and begins the arduous task of redirecting his life.

He does'nt have to wait very long. Soon after his wife’s funeral, Lisa’s lawyer comes to visit Michael at his home. Michael did not even know that Lisa employed a lawyer. As It turns out there was much about Lisa that Michael did not know. The enigmatic lawyer gives has a packet for Michael. Inside it is a letter from Lisa and a deed to a plot of land in rural West Virginia. According to the lawyer, Lisa had been saving this packet for Michael for years, ensuring that he would inherit the property when she died. Her letter implores Michael to visit, and so, to satisfy his wife’s final request and to sate his own curiosity, he packs his bags.

What Michael finds in West Virginia defies his attempts at explanation. The plot of land is massive, but wild and overgrown. He spends days exploring the forest, alternatively trying to logically puzzle out its purpose and running through it like a madman, drunk on its wildness. The forest haunts Michael during his stay, making him intensely uneasy as it simultaneously enchants and seduces him. Despite asking around town, no one is able to give him any useful information about it – though he does befriend MR. HARRISON, a local diner owner who will ultimately turn into his best friend in West Virginia. (Mr. Harrison never appears again in the synopsis, so he can be safely left out)

Before a week has passed, Michael’s better judgment overcomes his fascination, and he flees back to Chicago. He is frustrated by the mysterious, inscrutable nature of his wife’s last request, so contrary to her usual character. As he debates with himself what to do with the land, he receives another visit from Lisa’s lawyer. He urges Michael to reconsider his hasty departure from West Virginia, causing him to feel guilty about abandoning Lisa so soon after he had arrived. (In the final analysis, the story is the same as if Michael never goes back to Chicago, so this whole paragraph can be dumped)

Michael makes his decision: having no remaining ties to Chicago (What about his job? Doesn't that count?), he moves to West Virginia, determined to spend his remaining years honoring his wife’s request, despite how little sense it made to him at the time. After he arrives, a midnight visit to his land leaves him inspired: he is going decides to build a house, a monstrous mansion in the middle of the forest. He begins immediately, working tirelessly. His methods are crude (he is just one man, after all), but he is smart, and with a little help from Mr. Harrison, he soon has a few rooms which he calls his home.

Michael continues to build, enthralled by the real, physical nature of his work. It is the opposite of mathematics, as he sees it, and it is infinitely refreshing. His peace of mind, however, does not last. In the weeks after he moves into his house, he begins to question his own sanity. Rooms start appearing in the house, rooms that look like his but that he cannot remember building. As this goes on, Michael rationalizes that he must have simply forgotten about the rooms in his excitement. (This stretches credulity)

This explanation becomes less believable, however, when Michael wakes up one morning to find a strangely familiar man in his bedroom who seems strangely familiar. The man identifies himself as ANDREW WINSTON, and he claims to be the house’s butler. When questioned further, Andrew says that he has served as the house’s butler for his entire life, just like his father before him – and he is thrilled that Michael has arrived. Michael abandons all pretense of knowing just what is going on in his new home, but his work is more important. He continues building with Andrew’s assistance and soon grows to trust the quiet butler.

Everything changes when Michael meets MAKEEDA. He finds her in his kitchen one morning, a resplendent, youthful woman, who leaves Michael stammering and breathless. Like Andrew, she claims to have been living in his home for her entire life. Michael is slightly annoyed that people keep insisting that he did not in fact build his own home, but Makeeda is so charming that he cannot help but fall for her. She becomes his constant companion, and despite Michael’s lingering feelings of guilt, they soon become quite (Adverbs are your enemy- avoid them!) smitten with one another.

For a time, Michael and Makeeda are supremely (Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, take these adverbs away!) happy, building and exploring the house as it expands around them. It has grown massive over the months, stretching fives stories into the sky. But everything changes (Watch your tenses) the day Michael found finds a study. In the study was is a journal – a journal very similar to his own, in a study back in Chicago that looked almost identical. Suddenly, While Michael is was exploring this new appearance, he was accosted by an angry visitor. The visitor screams at Michael to get out of his house, shoving him to the ground floor before storming off.

Michael returns to his friends and questions them, and they both admit to knowing the strange visitor. Andrew says that he was the house’s master long before Michael arrived, and Makeeda evasively confesses to having some kind of relationship with him. Michael is furious. He would will not have some madman trying to steal his house from him. But at the same time, the visitor seems to know something about Michael’s house, knowledge Michael is desperate to obtain. One night, to over Makeeda’s protests, Michael returns to the mysterious study and steals the visitor’s journal without confrontation.

When she sees what Michael has done, Makeeda is terrified. She knew something about the visitor, something she did not tell Michael – but she was trying to protect him all the same. Ultimately, her desperate pleading got the better of him. Swayed by Makeeda's pleading, Michael promises to put the visitor out of his mind and to cede to let him live in the fifth story to him, while Michael, Makeeda, and Andrew continued their work to live down below.

For weeks, all is they continue peaceful. Michael forgets all about the visitor, and he simply builds and lives with Makeeda and Andrew, joyfully carefree. But it doesn’t last. One night, Michael wakes up with a splitting headache, with a storm raging outside. His lust for knowledge about his house has inexplicably returned, and he voraciously devours the visitor’s journal, desperate to learn anything he can about his strange home.

The visitor’s journal is a twisted mirror of Michael’s own. Like Michael, the visitor found himself lost in a house he did not understand, and he devoted every waking moment to figuring it out, gradually becoming more and more deranged. Michael knows that, in order to truly understand what is happening to him, he must confront the visitor.

Again cold to Makeeda’s pleas, he ascends the many stairs towards the visitor’s study. confronts the visitor, man inside, he demanding to know the house’s secrets. The visitor claims, despite all his study, not to have discovered anything know He is mad, almost too delusional to understand. In his rage and frustration, Michael attacks the visitor him with a letter opener, killing him in his own study. As the visitor dies, he tries to tell Michael something, but he is unable to make it out.

When Michael returns downstairs, Makeeda is hopeful that they can go back to their life together. Michael knows better. He knows that he must take up the visitor’s work. He must understand learn the secret of this house, even if the visitor could not.

Surprisingly, Andrew is able to provide some of the answers Michael seeks. Andrew admits to having tricked Michael. Lisa never had a lawyer. Andrew wrote the letter, and Andrew gave Michael the land. It was Andrew who brought Michael to West Virginia, who had him build this house. Michael believes him, but his obsession with his house does not diminish. He is not angry, nor does he feel betrayed. As fanatic as ever, Michael resolves to continue his work.


I have only one question here.

What happens? Where is your ending? What is the secret of the house? How are these space/time continuum disturbances happening?

That may look like four questions, but they're actually only one.

You don't give us the resolution. Not allowed. Not in the synopsis. The agent wants to know- needs to know- what happens. How it ends. Not telling is not permitted. If the agent has to ask, he/she won't bother- they'll just delete/toss/burn your submission.

You've built everything up beautifully so far, Monks- now give us the payoff! :smile:

#3 Monks

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Posted 18 May 2011 - 12:42 PM

Bkeats, I like all the edits you made. Much cleaner than my version, that's for sure! As far as the ending goes, it's kind of tricky, and it doesn't come across well in the synopsis at all. Basically, the story is about Michael's personal and emotional experiences in the house and with the people in it as opposed to being about the house itself. For almost the entire novel, Michael thinks that everything that's happening is connected to himself and to his wife, and he's trying to understand that connection. The ending reveals this to be false. His wife never had anything to do with it, and Michael wasn't brought to the house because he was unique in any way. Andrew's running the show, at least insofar as it concerns the house, and he's pretty tight-lipped. So ultimately, most of the questions about the house remain hinted at but largely unanswered, whereas Michael's personal questions are the main focus. In other words, Michael is obviously the main character of the novel, but he's actually not a huge player in the events within the novel -- though he doesn't realize that until the end. Does that make sense? Any suggestions on how I can make this aspect come across in the synopsis?
Would greatly appreciate critiques of my synopsis!

#4 bkeats

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Posted 18 May 2011 - 01:59 PM

Bkeats, I like all the edits you made. Much cleaner than my version, that's for sure! As far as the ending goes, it's kind of tricky, and it doesn't come across well in the synopsis at all. Basically, the story is about Michael's personal and emotional experiences in the house and with the people in it as opposed to being about the house itself. For almost the entire novel, Michael thinks that everything that's happening is connected to himself and to his wife, and he's trying to understand that connection. The ending reveals this to be false. His wife never had anything to do with it, and Michael wasn't brought to the house because he was unique in any way. Andrew's running the show, at least insofar as it concerns the house, and he's pretty tight-lipped. So ultimately, most of the questions about the house remain hinted at but largely unanswered, whereas Michael's personal questions are the main focus. In other words, Michael is obviously the main character of the novel, but he's actually not a huge player in the events within the novel -- though he doesn't realize that until the end. Does that make sense? Any suggestions on how I can make this aspect come across in the synopsis?


Okay, Monks. I'm grokkin' what yer talkin', but while that answers some questions, it raises others concerns.

1. The MC in your novel ultimately not being a major player as regards the events that happen in your novel is unusual- and potentially very worrying. I guess this goes back to the discussion in another forum about what defines a MC in the first place. My main concern is whether your prospective agent is going to decide that Michael simply "isn't worth it." Unless you're Dante or Melville, having your MC wind up being little more than a hostage to external events may put off a lot of people.

2. Many unanswered plot questions remain, the biggest one being, "Why Michael?" Why did Andrew choose Michael to come build this house? Andrew clearly has supernatural abilities that extend beyond the house itself (I assume the lawyer was either a disguised Andrew or a proxy). Is Andrew even human? And what's the deal with the house, anyway? Is this a series, with everything to be explained later? Please tell me it's not.

Just sayin' :wink:

#5 Monks

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Posted 18 May 2011 - 03:56 PM

Yeah, I see what you're saying. I knew going in that the plot structure was a little bit off the wall, but hey, it's not like I'm the one in charge of how the story develops. I'm just the author. :tongue:

It's true that Michael is partially a hostage to external events, as you put it, but at the same time, he's the one building the house, and a good part of his struggle is about his desperate attempts to take ownership of his home when all these other people seem to know more about it and have lived there longer. With the revelation that his wife did not write the letter or have anything whatsoever to do with the land, Michael realizes that his original motivations for building the house were predicated on a lie, but by that point, the house itself is its own reward. He has essentially become the unnamed visitor who he killed, i.e. the master obsessed with his house.

As far as your second question, it's one I was deliberately vague on. Andrew is a strange, unassuming character for the majority of the book. He doesn't take charge or talk about his own motivations or inclinations. You are correct in assuming that Andrew is the lawyer (I'll make that more clear in my revision). But I really want to keep Andrew a secret, by and large -- but maybe that's too problematic. All in all, there are (intentional) unanswered questions when it comes to the house and exactly what it is, but my hope is that Michael's personal struggles and interactions with the house and its inhabitants are a satisfying resolution on their own.

And no, it's not a series. Michael's story is wrapped up completely, and the end of the novel implies that Michael, like the previous master whom he killed, was not able to make much headway -- though that would have occurred after the events of the novel.
Would greatly appreciate critiques of my synopsis!

#6 Monks

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Posted 25 May 2011 - 11:21 AM

Okay, here is my revised synopsis. Pretty similar to the first, but I tweaked the ending a bit to make Michael's personal resolution a bit more apparent. Hopefully it makes for a more satisfying end.

Michael Hamilton is a stereotypical mathematician: his head is in the clouds, he is an admitted workaholic, and he believes fervently in the importance of his work. His wife Lisa is his anchor, the only thing keeping him from drifting away entirely into a world of numbers and equations – that is, until Michael finds her dead of an aneurysm in their apartment in Chicago. Michael is devastated by the loss, but he is practical – perhaps to a fault – and begins the arduous task of redirecting his life.

Soon after his wife’s funeral, Lisa’s lawyer comes to visit Michael at his home. As it turns out, there was much about Lisa that Michael did not know. The lawyer gives Michael a letter from Lisa and a deed to a plot of land in rural West Virginia. Lisa had been saving this packet for Michael for years, ensuring that he would inherit the property when she died. Her letter implores Michael to visit, and so, to satisfy his wife’s final request and to sate his own curiosity, he packs his bags.

What Michael finds in West Virginia defies his attempts at explanation. The plot of land is massive, but wild and overgrown. The forest haunts Michael during his stay, making him uneasy as it simultaneously seduces and frightens him. Despite asking around town, no one is able to give him any useful information about it.

Michael makes his decision: having no remaining meaningful ties to Chicago, he moves to West Virginia, determined to spend the rest of life honoring his wife’s request, despite how little sense he can make of it. After he arrives, a midnight visit to his land leaves him inspired: he decides to build a house, a monstrous mansion in the middle of the forest. He begins immediately, working tirelessly. His methods are crude (he is just one man, after all), but he is smart, and he soon has a few rooms which he calls his home.

Michael continues to build, enthralled by the real, physical nature of his work. In his mind, it is the antithesis of mathematics, and it is infinitely refreshing. His peace of mind, however, does not last. In the weeks after he moves into his house, he begins to question his own sanity. Rooms start appearing in the house, rooms that look like his but that he cannot remember building.

Michael wakes up one morning to find a man in his bedroom who seems strangely familiar. The man identifies himself as Andrew Winston, and he claims to be the house’s butler. When questioned further, Andrew says that he has served as the house’s butler for his entire life, just like his father before him – and he is thrilled that Michael has arrived. Michael abandons all pretense of knowing just what is going on in his new home, but his work is important. He continues building with Andrew’s assistance and soon grows to trust the quiet butler.

Michael’s new life becomes more complicated the day he meets Makeeda. He finds her in his kitchen one morning, a resplendent, youthful woman, who leaves Michael stammering and breathless. Like Andrew, she claims to have been living in his home for her entire life. Michael is annoyed that people keep insisting that he did not in fact build his own home, but Makeeda is so charming that he cannot help but fall for her. She becomes his constant companion, and despite Michael’s lingering feelings of guilt, they soon become smitten with one another.

For a time, Michael and Makeeda are happy, building and exploring the house as it expands around them. It has grown massive over the months, stretching fives stories into the sky. But everything changes the day Michael finds a study. In the study is a journal – a journal very similar to his own. Suddenly, Michael is accosted by an angry visitor. The visitor screams at Michael to get out of his house, shoving him to the floor before storming off.

Michael returns to his friends and questions them, and they both admit to knowing the strange visitor. Andrew says that he was the house’s master long before Michael arrived, and Makeeda confesses to having some kind of relationship with him. Michael is furious. He will not have some madman trying to steal his house from him. But at the same time, the visitor seems to know something about Michael’s house, knowledge Michael is desperate to obtain. One night, despite Makeeda’s protests, Michael returns to the mysterious study and steals the visitor’s journal.

Makeeda is brought to fits by Michael’s fanaticism. Swayed by her desperate pleading, Michael promises to put the visitor out of his mind, to cede the fifth story to him, while Michael, Makeeda, and Andrew continue to live down below.

For weeks, all is peaceful. But it doesn’t last. One night, Michael wakes up with a splitting headache, with a storm raging outside. Unknown to Michael, his lust for knowledge about his house has been building up within him, and it has finally overtaken his mind. Michael voraciously devours the visitor’s journal, desperate to learn anything he can about his strange home.

The visitor’s journal is a twisted mirror of Michael’s own. Like Michael, the visitor found himself lost in a house he did not understand and devoted every waking moment to figuring it out, gradually becoming more and more deranged. Michael knows that, in order to truly understand what is happening to him, he must confront the visitor.

Again cold to Makeeda’s pleas, he confronts the visitor, demanding to know the house’s secrets. The visitor claims, despite all his study, not to have discovered anything. In his rage and frustration, Michael attacks the visitor with a letter opener, killing him.

When Michael returns downstairs, Makeeda is hopeful that they can go back to their life together. Michael knows better. He knows that he must take up the visitor’s work. In his zeal, Michael cannot believe that the house remained a mystery to its former master, and he is determined to unearth its secrets.

With the visitor gone, Andrew admits to having tricked Michael. Lisa never had a lawyer. Andrew wrote the letter, and Andrew gave Michael the land. It was Andrew who brought Michael to West Virginia, who had him build this house. Michael believes him, but his obsession with his house does not diminish. He is not angry, nor does he feel betrayed. Whatever Andrew’s plans for Michael, Michael is working for his own reasons now. His old life with Lisa and his new life with Makeeda are both forgotten as Michael commits to the unending task of becoming the house’s new master.
Would greatly appreciate critiques of my synopsis!




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