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#1 Lori Gillespie

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Posted 19 May 2011 - 12:28 PM

Black Soul: Book One of the SoulEaters Series carries the reader into the world of Micah, Lucas, Nicholas, Noah, and their leader Amon, five beings, half angel-half men with one God-given purpose: to consume the souls of rapists, murderers, child molesters, even internet pirates if their aura is solid black…But even God’s elite aren’t perfect. Amon leads the group astray and when Noah tries to free the group of Amon's rule, the struggle for power leads to the death of Noah's human friend.

With Abigail's soul inside Amon, Noah makes a pact, a fate worse than death. SoulEater Suicide. He'll give his life in return for freeing Abigail's soul, thus ending the battle for SoulEater leadership.

Two years and 49 weeks into the slow excruciating death, his room was the sterile, bleach soaked environment Noah Kavanaugh had tried to avoid by dying at home. Now he was a twisted, twig figure lying askew on white sheets and down comforter, but a young girl who was not his nurse let herself into his room, uninvited. Her aura’s blue flash hit him like a wrecking ball, its scent jerking his attention to her. She absorbed all the air in the room. He couldn’t tear his eyes from her.

“My name is Caroline. Gertrude fell and broke her hip in three places last night so I’ll be your caregiver until she gets back. She told me about your preoccupation with death and just so you know…No one will be dying on my watch…” She tapped her bare arm and moved cautiously toward the bed to assess her patient. The cobalt blue determination staring at him formed fear in his chest.

Make her leave, Noah. Just three more weeks, he told himself but along with his legs and lower torso, he couldn’t make his mouth work. His fading core swelled inside him and a need he’d long buried reached out. One soul and his life would be restored. Noah’s head swam on his weak neck and his fingers ached to reach beneath her warm floral scented hair and take her skull from its base…

“If you stay, I’ll probably kill you. I’ll suck the life from your body before you can scream. Just so you know…” he muttered weakly. He didn’t waste his strength on façades. Caroline smiled and pressed a few loose chocolate curls back toward the nape of her elegantly curved neck.

Caroline absently left her hand over her jugular vein and laughed nervously. “So now you’re a vampire or something?” she asked.

“Or something…” he answered.

#2 Stephanie Diaz

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Posted 23 May 2011 - 11:06 PM

Black Soul: Book One of the SoulEaters Series carries the reader into the world of Micah, Lucas, Nicholas, Noah, and their leader Amon, five beings, half angel-half men with one God-given purpose: to consume the souls of rapists, murderers, child molesters, even internet pirates if their aura is solid black…But even God’s elite aren’t perfect. Amon leads the group astray and when Noah tries to free the group of Amon's rule, the struggle for power leads to the death of Noah's human friend.

With Abigail's soul inside Amon, Noah makes a pact, a fate worse than death. SoulEater Suicide. He'll give his life in return for freeing Abigail's soul, thus ending the battle for SoulEater leadership.

Two years and 49 weeks into the slow excruciating death, his room was (tense change? should still be in present) the sterile, bleach soaked environment Noah Kavanaugh had tried to avoid by dying at home. Now he was a twisted, twig figure lying askew on white sheets and down comforter, but a young girl who was not his nurse let herself into his room, uninvited. Her aura’s blue flash hit him like a wrecking ball, its scent jerking his attention to her. She absorbed all the air in the room. He couldn’t tear his eyes from her.

“My name is Caroline. Gertrude fell and broke her hip in three places last night so I’ll be your caregiver until she gets back. She told me about your preoccupation with death and just so you know…No one will be dying on my watch…” She tapped her bare arm and moved cautiously toward the bed to assess her patient. The cobalt blue determination staring at him formed fear in his chest.

Make her leave, Noah. Just three more weeks, he told himself but along with his legs and lower torso, he couldn’t make his mouth work. His fading core swelled inside him and a need he’d long buried reached out. One soul and his life would be restored. Noah’s head swam on his weak neck and his fingers ached to reach beneath her warm floral scented hair and take her skull from its base…

“If you stay, I’ll probably kill you. I’ll suck the life from your body before you can scream. Just so you know…” he muttered weakly. He didn’t waste his strength on façades. Caroline smiled and pressed a few loose chocolate curls back toward the nape of her elegantly curved neck.

Caroline absently left her hand over her jugular vein and laughed nervously. “So now you’re a vampire or something?” she asked.

“Or something…” he answered.


This is powerfully written, but it doesn't sound like a synopsis. There's no ending...I'm also unclear where the story actually starts. You seem to go from a very general idea of what the plot is to a particular scene. A synopsis should be general in nature throughout, basically summarizing the beginning, middle, and end of your story. Also, I'm incredibly confused as to who the main characters are. There are lots of names...you seem to jump between two different stories, with Amon and his people, and then suddenly a man named Noah and a girl named Caroline.

Just some thoughts :)

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#3 Tessa

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Posted 05 June 2011 - 09:57 PM

This is powerfully written, but it doesn't sound like a synopsis. There's no ending...I'm also unclear where the story actually starts. You seem to go from a very general idea of what the plot is to a particular scene. A synopsis should be general in nature throughout, basically summarizing the beginning, middle, and end of your story. Also, I'm incredibly confused as to who the main characters are. There are lots of names...you seem to jump between two different stories, with Amon and his people, and then suddenly a man named Noah and a girl named Caroline.

Just some thoughts :)


I second that, and I'm not sure you should be having dialog in your synopsis. It sounds like an interesting book, though.

#4 Cync Me

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Posted 08 June 2011 - 02:21 AM

Sounds like it could be a good movie.

#5 Yelle

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Posted 09 June 2011 - 05:25 PM

I agree with the suggestions but I tell you that was a very powerful scene! I loved it!
Can't wait to read more about it!

Yelle :biggrin:




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