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Blackberry Cove (Mystery/Thriller)


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#1 villain_fan

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Posted 11 February 2016 - 07:02 AM

How is this hook? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

 

When detective Hunter's daughter is kidnapped, he is blackmailed into finding the murderer of an assassin for the people who took her.

 

I'm hoping to use it for a twitter pitch. The hook of my query is: "When detective Gregg Hunter's daughter is kidnapped, he has no choice but to take on a murder investigation commissioned by the very organisation that took her," but I think the above one is better.


If you can, please check out my mystery/thriller query - http://agentquerycon...e-3#entry312316

And synopsis - http://agentquerycon...mysterythriller/


#2 villain_fan

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Posted 11 February 2016 - 11:42 AM

Actually, revised version: When detective Hunter's daughter is kidnapped by an organisation of assassins, he must discover who killed one of their hitmen, in order to get his daughter back.


If you can, please check out my mystery/thriller query - http://agentquerycon...e-3#entry312316

And synopsis - http://agentquerycon...mysterythriller/


#3 villain_fan

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Posted 11 February 2016 - 11:45 AM

Revised again: When a detective's daughter is kidnapped by a group of assassins, he must discover who, in a small town, killed one of their hitmen, in order to get his daughter back.


If you can, please check out my mystery/thriller query - http://agentquerycon...e-3#entry312316

And synopsis - http://agentquerycon...mysterythriller/


#4 carmela

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Posted 18 February 2016 - 10:08 AM

I like the last one better, but would leave out "in a small town" so it would read like this: "When a detective's daughter is kidnapped by a group of assassins, he must discover who killed one of their hitmen in order to get his daughter back."


Would love to hear your feedback on my queries:

 

Hanukkah Havoc Query:

http://agentquerycon...ah-havoc-query/

 

Reality Check Query: 

http://agentquerycon...check-revision/


#5 clpolk

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Posted 19 February 2016 - 11:34 AM

the last one, but axe "In a small town," like carmela said.



#6 villain_fan

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Posted 20 February 2016 - 07:33 AM

Thank you both! :)


If you can, please check out my mystery/thriller query - http://agentquerycon...e-3#entry312316

And synopsis - http://agentquerycon...mysterythriller/


#7 Ronna

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Posted 26 February 2016 - 05:33 PM

Funny, after reading the first one I was going to suggest you nix "detective Hunter" as it sounds like he hunts detectives.  But you fixed that.  Then when I read your revision I was going to suggest you leave out the "in a small town" but the others already said that.  

 

So why am I here at all??

 

To tell you it sounds GREAT!


Ronna 
 
"Everyday, everyday, everyday, everyday, everyday, everyday I write the book."
Elvis Costello 
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