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Hanukkah Havoc Query


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#1 carmela

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Posted 29 February 2016 - 11:45 AM

 

Revision in #11

Dear Agent, 

 
 

I have completed an inspirational romantic suspense novel entitled Hanukkah Havoc and I am asking that you consider representing me. 

 
 

Allison Keller witnesses a robbery at a pharmacy, her home is broken into, and she receives a message to keep her mouth shut. Then she hears one of the robbers is found dead. She works out of her home as a trainer and boarder for dogs, so she is concerned for her business as well as her client’s safety.  

 
 

That is where Ethan Lawson comes in. An off-duty officer, Ethan was with Allison when the robbery took place. Then during one of his stakeouts he finds out Allison knows the suspect of a case he is working on. With Allison’s business exposing to the outside world, protecting her became even more difficult. Hanukkah is quickly approaching and both may have to keep their holiday lights hidden away.  

 
 

Hanukkah Havoc, a romance/suspense, is complete at 50,000 words. I have an associates degree in Creative Writing from Sinclair College in Dayton, Ohio. As per your submission requirements, please find the first ten pages below....(First Ch., synopsis, etc.) 


Would love to hear your feedback on my queries:

 

Hanukkah Havoc Query:

http://agentquerycon...ah-havoc-query/

 

Reality Check Query: 

http://agentquerycon...check-revision/


#2 Nessa

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Posted 29 February 2016 - 04:26 PM

 

 

 

Dear Agent

 
 

I have completed an inspirational romantic suspense novel entitled Hanukkah Havoc and I am asking that you consider representing me. 

 
 

Allison Keller witnesses a robbery at a pharmacy, her home is broken into, and she receives a message to keep her mouth shut(This isn't a strong hook. You've got a few details, but I'd like to know more. What is stolen from her house? How does she receive the message?). Then she hears one of the robbers is found dead(How does she hear this?). She works out of her home as a trainer and boarder for dogs, so she is concerned for her business as well as her client’s safety.  (Weak ending for the hook paragraph. I want more voice. And what does her job have to do with anything? Did her clients get threatened? Isn't her safety her highest priority?)

 
 

That is where Ethan Lawson comes in(Vague.). An off-duty officer, Ethan was with Allison when the robbery took place(Was he off-duty? Was he picking up a prescription?). Then during one of his stakeouts he finds out Allison knows the suspect of a case he is working on(Vague.). With Allison’s business exposing to the outside world(Confusing.), protecting her became(Stay in present tense.) even more difficult. Hanukkah is quickly approaching and both may have to keep their holiday lights hidden away.  (Is this a pun? A joke? It doesn't go with your serious theme.)

 
 

Hanukkah Havoc, a romance/suspense, is complete at 50,000 words. I have an associates degree in Creative Writing from Sinclair College in Dayton, Ohio. As per your submission requirements, please find the first ten pages are pasted below....(First Ch., synopsis, etc.) 

 



#3 Carney

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Posted 29 February 2016 - 07:46 PM

 

 

 

Dear Agent, 

 
 

I have completed an inspirational romantic suspense novel entitled Hanukkah Havoc and I am asking that you consider representing me.   Two issues here: you are placing your book into a genre that doesn't exist. Romantic Suspense OR Inspirational and you don't need NOVEL. Second issue: the agent knows why you are writing. It is probably better to place all of this at the end and open with your hook.

 
 

Allison Keller witnesses a robbery at a pharmacy, her home is broken into, and she receives a message to keep her mouth shut. Then she hears one of the robbers is found dead. She works out of her home as a trainer and boarder for dogs, so she is concerned for her business as well as her client’s safety.  You are telling the story is summary. This doesn't grab the agent's interest. Try adhering to the "show, don't tell" adage because you want the agent to "hear" your story voice. How does Allison witness the robbery? Is the person who broke into her home the same as the person in the pharmacy? Who threatens her and why do they know? How does she learn about the robber's death? The last sentence is confusing. You may want to consider opening with this information - who is Allison? What does her work have to do with the plot? Perhaps something a bit simpler to understand, such as a dog daycare provider? And does this play an essential part in the story?

 
 

That is where Ethan Lawson comes in. An off-duty officer, Ethan was with Allison when the robbery took place. Then during one of his stakeouts he finds out Allison knows the suspect of a case he is working on. With Allison’s business exposing to the outside world, protecting her became even more difficult. Hanukkah is quickly approaching and both may have to keep their holiday lights hidden away.  This is confusing. Why was Ethan with Allison during the robbery? I assume he's a cop, but you don't tell us this. Is he assigned to protect her or something? What does "during one of his stakeouts" mean? Is he protecting her and something happens? What does Hanukkah have to do with anything here? You really haven't shown much of your story and that's a huge problem. You want the agent to understand the story basics and want to know more. Unfortunately, I have no idea of story. Think of it this way: your MC is ??? She wants ??? The person helping her is ??? That person does ??? The obstacles in the MC's way is what/who? Her supporters are ??? She has what qualities/problems? What must the agent know in order to appreciate the unique nature of your story and to want to read more? 

 
 

Hanukkah Havoc, a romance/suspense, is complete at 50,000 words. Now here the genre is fine. However, unless I'm mistaken (and I could be) the word count is very low for an adult novel. You may want to check this out before sending the query.  I have an associates degree in Creative Writing from Sinclair College in Dayton, Ohio. I know this may sound harsh, but to an agent this has no meaning. Even if you had a master's in creative writing, many agents don't care. What the agent wants to know is whether you have published before and, if so, how did that work sell. If you have no publishing credits, that's fine, but don't try to insert information that has no weight in the quality of your writing or ability to promote your work. As per your submission requirements, please find the first ten pages below....(First Ch., synopsis, etc.) 

 

 

I think you have a bit of work to do on this query before sending it to agents. Don't worry, it tends to take multiple tries before any of us get this right. The art of the query requires different skills from those needed to write a great story. You may find it helpful to visit Queryshark to read up on how agents want queries to appear. Good luck and don't lose hope, this is a process that takes time. 



#4 carmela

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Posted 01 March 2016 - 09:26 AM

 

 

 

 

Dear Agent

 
 

I have completed an inspirational romantic suspense novel entitled Hanukkah Havoc and I am asking that you consider representing me. 

 
 

Allison Keller witnesses a robbery at a pharmacy, her home is broken into, and she receives a message to keep her mouth shut(This isn't a strong hook. You've got a few details, but I'd like to know more. What is stolen from her house? How does she receive the message?). Then she hears one of the robbers is found dead(How does she hear this?). She works out of her home as a trainer and boarder for dogs, so she is concerned for her business as well as her client’s safety.  (Weak ending for the hook paragraph. I want more voice. And what does her job have to do with anything? Did her clients get threatened? Isn't her safety her highest priority?)

 
 

That is where Ethan Lawson comes in(Vague.). An off-duty officer, Ethan was with Allison when the robbery took place(Was he off-duty? Was he picking up a prescription?). Then during one of his stakeouts he finds out Allison knows the suspect of a case he is working on(Vague.). With Allison’s business exposing to the outside world(Confusing.), protecting her became(Stay in present tense.) even more difficult. Hanukkah is quickly approaching and both may have to keep their holiday lights hidden away.  (Is this a pun? A joke? It doesn't go with your serious theme.)

 
 

Hanukkah Havoc, a romance/suspense, is complete at 50,000 words. I have an associates degree in Creative Writing from Sinclair College in Dayton, Ohio. As per your submission requirements, please find the first ten pages are pasted below....(First Ch., synopsis, etc.) 

 

Thanks  Kelver, I hope this makes more sense. The part in red is my explanation. 
 

When Allison Keller witnesses a robbery at the pharmacy, her home is broken into and this message is left on her bathroom mirror, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! When she made a report at the scene, she didn't realize the fact that she may have seen one of the suspect might put her in danger. Then when that suspect's body is found with a bullet in his head on a country road, she knows the danger is real. (This isn't a strong hook. You've got a few details, but I'd like to know more. What is stolen from her house? Nothing is stolen, her home was broken into to leave a message. Unfortunately, her job exposes her to the open. She boards and trains dogs, the training takes place outside where she is vulnerable to anyone who wants her dead.

Officer Ethan Lawson was also at the pharmacy, but was off duty due just getting a cast off his arm. (Vague.).(Was he off-duty? Was he picking up a prescription?). Then during one of his stakeouts he finds out Allison knows the suspect of a missing girls case he is working on. (Vague.)He Protecting her becomes even more difficult. Hanukkah is quickly approaching and both may have to keep their holiday lights hidden away.  (Is this a pun? A joke? It doesn't go with your serious theme.) (It is a pun and no joke if they are not able to celebrate due to the seriousness of the danger Ali is in)

 
 

Hanukkah Havoc, a romance/suspense, is complete at 50,000 words. I have an associates degree in Creative Writing from Sinclair College in Dayton, Ohio. The first ten pages are pasted (or attached?)  below....(First Ch., synopsis, etc.) 

 


Would love to hear your feedback on my queries:

 

Hanukkah Havoc Query:

http://agentquerycon...ah-havoc-query/

 

Reality Check Query: 

http://agentquerycon...check-revision/


#5 carmela

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Posted 01 March 2016 - 09:30 AM

I think you have a bit of work to do on this query before sending it to agents. Don't worry, it tends to take multiple tries before any of us get this right. The art of the query requires different skills from those needed to write a great story. You may find it helpful to visit Queryshark to read up on how agents want queries to appear. Good luck and don't lose hope, this is a process that takes time. 

Carney, thank you. on another query I wrote, I was told the same thing about the beginning, and that I didn't need that first paragraph, yet I found at least two queries (in the thread about queries that agents loved) and it mentions about how I found the agent or something. I did a revision in thread number 4. As for the degree, you are the first to point that out, I was told it is something to add to my bio. Maybe I can find more info on that. 


 


Would love to hear your feedback on my queries:

 

Hanukkah Havoc Query:

http://agentquerycon...ah-havoc-query/

 

Reality Check Query: 

http://agentquerycon...check-revision/


#6 suja

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Posted 01 March 2016 - 11:01 AM

Hi, 

Do you have a revised query I could look at? Otherwise I can critique the query in post #1.



#7 carmela

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Posted 03 March 2016 - 08:35 AM

I think you have a bit of work to do on this query before sending it to agents. Don't worry, it tends to take multiple tries before any of us get this right. The art of the query requires different skills from those needed to write a great story. You may find it helpful to visit Queryshark to read up on how agents want queries to appear. Good luck and don't lose hope, this is a process that takes time. 

Thank you. I made some changes and I looked up on writersdigest.com and it said a novella is 30.000-50,000 words and that a novel is 55,000-300,000 words. I double checked mine, it is over 53,000, so what do you think? Novella or Novel? Or don't even mention it at all? 
 

When Allison Keller witnesses a robbery at the pharmacy, her home is broken into and this message is left on her bathroom mirror, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! 

Ali makes a report at the scene, but didn't consider that she may have seen one of the suspects will put her in danger. Thstalking begins, but after one of the robber's body is found with a bullet in his head, she thought it was overInstead, the attacks increased and her job makes it more dangerous. She boards and trains dogs, the training takes place outside, where she is vulnerable to anyone who wants her dead. 

 
Officer Ethan Lawson, who just had a cast taken off his arm, was also at the pharmacy. Then during one of his stakeouts he finds out Allison knows the suspect of a missing girls case he is working on. The two cases begins to fit together and the attacks on Ali makes Ethan suspect someone in the department is leaking information.  

With Hanukkah quickly approachingboth may have to keep their holiday lights hidden away.    
   

HANUKKAH HAVOCa romance/suspense, is complete at 53,000 words. I have an associates degree in Creative Writing from Sinclair College in Dayton, Ohio. (<- I know some have crossed this out and in a thread about whether this is okay, I got one saying I shouldn't and another saying it wouldn't hurt, though an agent is more focused on my writing than my training. Then I contacted an editor friend who contacted an agent friend of hers and she agreed with it wouldn't hurt...So I am leaving it for now and will decide when I start submitting if I will keep it or not. Of course any input here will be considered)The first ten pages are pasted (or attached) below...(First Ch., synopsis, etc.) 

  

 
 

 


Hi, 

Do you have a revised query I could look at? Otherwise I can critique the query in post #1.

Yes, sorry. For some reason I didn't get notified that anyone replied on this thread. 


Would love to hear your feedback on my queries:

 

Hanukkah Havoc Query:

http://agentquerycon...ah-havoc-query/

 

Reality Check Query: 

http://agentquerycon...check-revision/


#8 Springfield

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Posted 03 March 2016 - 01:31 PM

Thank you. I made some changes and I looked up on writersdigest.com and it said a novella is 30.000-50,000 words and that a novel is 55,000-300,000 words. I double checked mine, it is over 53,000, so what do you think? Novella or Novel? Or don't even mention it at all? 

 

Don't mention what, the wc? You kind of have to mention the wc.
 

When Allison Keller witnesses a robbery at the pharmacy THE pharmacy?, her home is broken into and this message is left on her bathroom mirror, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! 

 

Ali makes a report at the scene, but didn't consider that she may have seen one of the suspects will put her in danger. The tenses here are a mess, and this seems to be before the sentence above.  Thstalking begins, What stalking? but after one of the robber's nope body nope  is found with a bullet in his nope head, she thought it was over. The tenses are such a mess here I can barely follow along. Instead, the attacks increased and her job makes it more dangerous. Huh? She boards and trains dogs, the training takes place outside, where she is vulnerable to anyone who wants her dead. I thought she worked in the pharmacy. Also, nothing at all is happening.

 
Officer Ethan Lawson, who just had a cast taken off his arm, was also at the pharmacy. What? Then during one of his stakeouts one of his stakeouts? he finds out Allison knows the suspect of a missing girls case he is working on. The two cases begins to fit together and the attacks on Ali makes Ethan suspect someone in the department is leaking information.  

 

With Hanukkah quickly approachingboth may have to keep their holiday lights hidden away.   I gave up and was just scrolling down when I saw this - what does Hanukkah have to do with anything here?? 

   

HANUKKAH HAVOCa romance/suspense, is complete at 53,000 words. I have an associates degree in Creative Writing from Sinclair College in Dayton, Ohio. (<- I know some have crossed this out and in a thread about whether this is okay, I got one saying I shouldn't and another saying it wouldn't hurt, though an agent is more focused on my writing than my training. Then I contacted an editor friend who contacted an agent friend of hers and she agreed with it wouldn't hurt...So I am leaving it for now and will decide when I start submitting if I will keep it or not. Of course any input here will be considered)The first ten pages are pasted (or attached) below...(First Ch., synopsis, etc.) 

  

 
 

 


Yes, sorry. For some reason I didn't get notified that anyone replied on this thread. 

 

No, it probably won't hurt you, but it might, and it certainly won't help you, so why keep it?

 

The grammar in here is such a mess - you may want to go back through your ms. to make sure these kinds of errors aren't in it as well. In addition, the query seems like setup, sort of, though it's hard to tell.

 

Your MC witnesses a robbery and then people threaten her. She then seems to do absolutely nothing. I don't know what her problem is, besides people threatening her. I have no clue what she DOES in this book. 



#9 carmela

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Posted 11 March 2016 - 03:06 PM

I recently learned that though this is romance as well as suspense, I only need one POV for the query. I did a quick revision and sharing before the weekend starts.

 

When Allison Keller witnesses a robbery at the pharmacy, her home is broken into and this message is left on her bathroom mirror, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! 

When Ali makes a report at the scene, she doesn't consider that she may be in danger. Then the stalking begins and one of the robber's body is found with a bullet in his head. Ethan Lawson, an off-duty officer who is also at the scene, takes it upon himself to make sure Ali is protected. Her job, boarding and training dogs, makes her an easy target when she is outside working. Even though Ethan is cautious, the attacks increase leaving him to believe there is a leak in the department.  

 HANUKKAH HAVOCa romance/suspense, is complete at 53,000 words. The first ten pages are pasted (or attached) below...(First Ch., synopsis, etc.) Thank you for your time.  

 


Would love to hear your feedback on my queries:

 

Hanukkah Havoc Query:

http://agentquerycon...ah-havoc-query/

 

Reality Check Query: 

http://agentquerycon...check-revision/


#10 Springfield

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Posted 11 March 2016 - 03:15 PM

 

I recently learned that though this is romance as well as suspense, I only need one POV for the query. I did a quick revision and sharing before the weekend starts.

 

When Allison Keller witnesses a robbery at the pharmacy, her home is broken into and this message is left on her bathroom mirror, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! 

When Ali makes a report at the scene, she doesn't consider that she may be in danger. This is backward given the tense and the first sentence. Then the stalking begins and one of the robber's body this is off. is found with a bullet in his head. this too. Ethan Lawson, an off-duty officer who is also at  tense. the scene, takes it upon himself to make sure Ali is protected. Why? Her job, boarding and training dogs, makes her an easy target when she is outside working. Even though Ethan is cautious, the attacks increase leaving him to believe there is a leak in the department.  This can't be the end of the query, there are no stakes whatsoever, and you're hanging it on a character not your MC.

 

 HANUKKAH HAVOCa romance/suspense, is complete at 53,000 words. The first ten pages are pasted (or attached) below...(First Ch., synopsis, etc.) Thank you for your time.  

  

 
 

 



#11 carmela

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Posted 13 March 2016 - 02:03 PM

 

 

 

When Allison Keller witnesses a robbery at the pharmacy, her home is broken into and this message is left on her bathroom mirror, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! 

 

Ali made a report at the scene, but she doesn't consider that she might be in danger. Then the stalking begins and one of the robbers is found with a bullet in his headEthan Lawson, an off-duty officer and also at the robbery scene, was with Ali and he found the threatening message. Ethan takes it upon himself to make sure Ali is protected, though Her job makes it difficult. She boards and trains dogs, making her an easy target when she takes the clients outside. She can't give up her job, even when the attacks increase and Ethan suspects a leak in the department.  

 

 HANUKKAH HAVOCa romance/suspense, is complete at 53,000 words. The first ten pages are pasted (or attached) below...(First Ch., synopsis, etc.) Thank you for your time.  


Would love to hear your feedback on my queries:

 

Hanukkah Havoc Query:

http://agentquerycon...ah-havoc-query/

 

Reality Check Query: 

http://agentquerycon...check-revision/





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