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Query that got 6 fulls, 6 partials


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#1 Deeba

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Posted 07 March 2016 - 02:13 PM

Hi everyone! So I joined this site probably in October or November of 2015 with my first attempt at querying my novel. I've had LOTS of mixed reviews with my query and after a while I just decided to send out my latest version and the results have thus far been good. It's still early, but I'll continually update to see if anything happens. This is also my first manuscript written. It's obviously not the best query out there, but it is short and to the point.

 

If you want to see what it originally looked like, check out my blog post on What-Not-To-Do! :) http://deebazargarpu...n-of-query.html

 

Good luck to everyone on their journey! 

 

Dear *insert agent name*

 

When Liam realizes that saving his little sister, Octavia, means killing their parents, becoming a monster is an outcome he accepts. 

 

Seventeen-year-old Liam is a Time Slave, indentured to a society hidden beneath modern-day Manhattan. Bred to serve, Liam obeys the leader’s every command to keep Octavia safe until the day she disappears. Liam’s focus shifts from fulfilling his duties to finding her. Convinced of foul play, he plots to get her back in a hostage trade: Sahar— the society's estranged heiress—for Octavia.

 

Holding his leader’s daughter captive, Liam discovers an unsettling truth about the heiress—she is kind and unaware of her father’s wrongdoings. What’s even more unsettling is her ability to quell the anger inside of him. With his sister’s rescue hanging in the balance, Liam fights against his growing feelings for Sahar and sticking to his plan. If Liam chooses incorrectly, he’ll lose more than his sister—he’ll lose his heart too.

 

THE TIME SLAVE is a YA light sci-fi novel, complete at 80,000 words. If the movie, IN TIME, and AN EMBER IN THE ASHES had an unexpected tryst, the end result would be this book. I have included the first 5 pages. 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,


Deeba Zargarpur

Blog: http://deebazargarpur.blogspot.com/

Twitter: @deebazargarpur

Email: deebazargarpur@gmail.com

 

Queries: 

THE TIME SLAVE: http://agentquerycon...modern-fantasy/

 

Hook:

THE TIME SLAVE: http://agentquerycon...-for-recondite/

 

250:

WHISPERS OF THE BURNING WIND: http://agentquerycon...e-burning-wind/

THE TIME SLAVE: http://agentquerycon...50-suggestions/


#2 Bill in Memphis

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Posted 07 March 2016 - 02:26 PM

Hi everyone! So I joined this site probably in October or November of 2015 with my first attempt at querying my novel. I've had LOTS of mixed reviews with my query and after a while I just decided to send out my latest version and the results have thus far been good. It's still early, but I'll continually update to see if anything happens. This is also my first manuscript written. It's obviously not the best query out there, but it is short and to the point.

 

Dear *insert agent name*

 

When Liam realizes that saving his little sister, Octavia, means killing their parents, becoming a monster is an outcome he accepts. 

 

Seventeen-year-old Liam is a Time Slave, indentured to a society hidden beneath modern-day Manhattan. Bred to serve, Liam obeys the leader’s every command to keep Octavia safe until the day she disappears. Liam’s focus shifts from fulfilling his duties to finding her. Convinced of foul play, he plots to get her back in a hostage trade: Sahar— the society's estranged heiress—for Octavia.

 

Holding his leader’s daughter captive, Liam discovers an unsettling truth about the heiress—she is kind and unaware of her father’s wrongdoings. What’s even more unsettling is her ability to quell the anger inside of him. With his sister’s rescue hanging in the balance, Liam fights against his growing feelings for Sahar and sticking to his plan. If Liam chooses incorrectly, he’ll lose more than his sister—he’ll lose his heart too.

 

THE TIME SLAVE is a YA light sci-fi novel, complete at 80,000 words. If the movie, IN TIME, and AN EMBER IN THE ASHES had an unexpected tryst, the end result would be this book. I have included the first 5 pages. 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Good stuff! I'm also following you on twitter. You have The Knack.


Follow me on twitter @jointhebrigade1

 

Please visit my website and blog at: http://thelastbrigade.com/

 


#3 Deeba

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Posted 07 March 2016 - 02:33 PM

Good stuff! I'm also following you on twitter. You have The Knack.

 

Thank you so much! I followed you back! :)


Deeba Zargarpur

Blog: http://deebazargarpur.blogspot.com/

Twitter: @deebazargarpur

Email: deebazargarpur@gmail.com

 

Queries: 

THE TIME SLAVE: http://agentquerycon...modern-fantasy/

 

Hook:

THE TIME SLAVE: http://agentquerycon...-for-recondite/

 

250:

WHISPERS OF THE BURNING WIND: http://agentquerycon...e-burning-wind/

THE TIME SLAVE: http://agentquerycon...50-suggestions/


#4 LucidDreamer

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Posted 07 March 2016 - 02:47 PM

Congrats!



#5 Meg1800s

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Posted 12 March 2016 - 10:24 AM

This is wonderful and so inspiring. I love how you took two popular existing stories out there (IN TIME and AN EMBER IN ASHES) and described how your story is similar. That really clarifies to the agent and a reader like myself what you've attempted.

 

Congrats!



#6 Anna.k

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Posted 17 March 2016 - 09:55 AM

Would love to read this! Keep up the good work!



#7 julialynn

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Posted 20 March 2016 - 11:45 PM

Congrats and best of luck!


YA Author of BURRO HILLS (Diversion Books, 18) ♔ 

 

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#8 Scookie

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Posted 16 June 2016 - 11:59 AM

That's a pretty amazing query.  



#9 VitaCoco

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Posted 19 June 2016 - 07:32 AM

Interesting query, for sure! So Liam wanted to keep Octavia safe from enslavement, right? And now he's convinced of foul play from the leader. That's great conflict in itself. Congratulations! Keep us posted!

 

As a side note, I'm curious. How does killing their parents tie in?


"You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes" (Pooh).





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