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Its here! Query #11 Broken Fate: Edge Of Destiny.


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#1 MrMidnight

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Posted 10 March 2016 - 12:46 AM

Dear Agent Name Here,

After losing everyone he loves in a terrorist bombing, Peter Stone, 16, is forced into hiding; fearing that his family may have been the target and he would be next.

 

Due to his financial bind, he agrees to participate in a special study being held by the sinister SunRay Corporation, some years later. The experiments go wrong when Peter Stone accidentally makes contact with a mysterious entity.

 

With the SRC and soon the rest of the world on his heels, Peter must race to discover what the entity is before he is captured. With the help of a legendary mercenary, a genius hacker, and a master infiltrator, he sets out to uncover the mystery of why his family was killed and the reason the entity chose him.

 

On their first major mission, our heroes meet a stark ending. After a valiant effort, Stone and his team make their escape only to get ambushed just outside by a third party. The story ends on a dark note as the main character is executed, shot in the face by the large blast of a laser pistol. Leaving the reader with a heavy message that not every hero makes it, and not every story has a happy ending.

 

Broken Fate: Edge Of Destiny is a 180,000 word dark, fantasy; told in three parts. It takes place in an alternate future in New York City reminiscent of George Orwell’s: 1984 and contains supernatural elements fans of Jim Butcher’s: Dresden Files should welcome. If I had to compare it to a couple of movies, I might say it was a mix of Constantine and Equilibrium in a Minority Report-like future. That’s the supernatural, demonic alternate dimensions elements, with the hint of a controlled and oppressed people, in a future where technology has advanced but only serves to put a more watchful eye on the public.

 

I would appreciate a critique or comments on this. I have been given the advice that my word counts is too large. I get it. I'm working on a new shorter version but I would like to seek an agent for this version in the mean time, small as my chances may be. I will return the favor. Also, I have heard from many reputable sources that I should be as open about the story as possible explaining as much as possible whilst including the end. The 5 W's are a bit hard to get into in 250 words so although I could have expanded on some areas, it would mean at least 5-7 more lines of explanation which would take me too far past the 250 word limit at this already 310 word query (almost exactly 1 page which is also said to be an upper limit). I have also come to the understanding that they want both a mini bio and comparison or at least something about what your target audience is/ who would find this material interesting. I tried to include that and a little of myself(voice) in there.


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#2 Springfield

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Posted 10 March 2016 - 01:21 AM

Dear Agent Name Here,

After losing everyone he loves in a terrorist bombing, Peter Stone, 16, is forced into hiding; fearing that his family may have been the target and he would be next. Specific people are rarely the targets of terrorist bombings. Why would he think that, and when and where are we?

 

Due to his financial bind, What financial bind? he agrees to participate in a special study being held by the sinister SunRay Corporation, some years later. Huh? The experiments go wrong when Peter Stone accidentally makes contact with a mysterious entity. As I've no idea what experiments they were, the entity is totally vague.

 

With the SRC and soon the rest of the world on his heels, WHY? I've no clue what's going on here. Peter must race to discover what the entity is before he is captured. I didn't know he had escaped from anyplace. With the help of a legendary mercenary, a genius hacker, and a master infiltrator, he sets out to uncover the mystery of why his family was killed and the reason the entity chose him. Is the list of people important? It'd be nice if we had any clue what any of this stuff consisted of.

 

On their first major mission, mission? our heroes meet a stark ending. After a valiant effort, Stone and his team make their escape only to get ambushed just outside by a third party. If I had a clue, this might be interesting, but everything thus far has been nothing but vague.. The story ends on a dark note as the main character is executed, shot in the face by the large blast of a laser pistol. Leaving the reader with a heavy message that not every hero makes it, and not every story has a happy ending.  Why're you suddenly talking about the story?

 

Broken Fate: Edge Of Destiny is a 180,000 word Holy uh oh. dark, fantasy; told in three parts. Wait, what're we talking about? It's three parts in this one book or do you mean this is book one? It takes place in an alternate future in New York City reminiscent of George Orwell’s: 1984 and contains supernatural elements fans of Jim Butcher’s: Dresden Files should welcome. If I had to compare it to a couple of movies, You do not have to, and should not, compare it to any movies, so I have no idea where this is coming from. I might say it was a mix of Constantine and Equilibrium in a Minority Report-like future. That’s the supernatural, demonic alternate dimensions elements, with the hint of a controlled and oppressed people, in a future where technology has advanced but only serves to put a more watchful eye on the public.

 

I would appreciate a critique or comments on this. I have been given the advice that my word counts is too large.  I get it. I'm working on a new shorter version but I would like to seek an agent for this version in the mean time, small as my chances may be. I will return the favor. Also, I have heard from many reputable sources that I should be as open about the story as possible explaining as much as possible whilst including the end. The 5 W's are a bit hard to get into in 250 words so although I could have expanded on some areas, it would mean at least 5-7 more lines of explanation which would take me too far past the 250 word limit at this already 310 word query (almost exactly 1 page which is also said to be an upper limit). I have also come to the understanding that they want both a mini bio and comparison or at least something about what your target audience is/ who would find this material interesting. I tried to include that and a little of myself(voice) in there.

 

The query is too long - you don't have a bio or anything else in here, which all count as words - but the book is REALLY too long. Why would you look for an agent for something if you know it's going to be that hard to get a bite on, and you're planning on cutting it. You can't requery agents with the same book, so why burn through any for no reason?

 

In general, this is far too vague and confusing. I couldn't tell you anything but some kid is in contact with some entity of some sort, someplace, which he wants to tell him something about terrorists. 



#3 Deeba

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Posted 10 March 2016 - 07:01 AM

Howdy! Just peppering in some comments. Hope this helps you! These are just ideas to help you in the process. Incorporate what you want. :)

 

My quick notes about your letter: there are a lot of words, but not a lot of explanation for your story. These are the questions I need answered:

1. Is this YA dark fantasy or Adult dark fantasy?

2. How old is Peter in the story?

3. What is Peter's core conflict? What is the MAIN problem propelling your story forward?

4. What must Peter do to solve the problem?

5. What will happen if he fails? What is he risking? What are the consequences?

6. Who is the specific antagonist getting in Peters way? 

 

We want to clear up all confusion in the letter! Good luck! 

 

Dear Agent Name Here,

 

After losing his family everyone he loves in a terrorist bombing, sixteen-year-old Peter Stone, 16, fears the bombers are coming back for him to finish the job. is forced into hiding; fearing that his family may have been the target and he would be next. (I like that you've utilized your first line as a hook. It's always good to entice the agent with a quick, witty sentence to get them engaged. I've edited for stylistic preference. In general, the age of the protagonist is fully written out. Since Peter is 16, is this a YA novel? Your target audience changes the tone of the overall letter. Queries should also be in present tense.)

 

Due to his financial bind, he Peter agrees to participates in a special study being held by the sinister SunRay Corporation, some years later. (Is Peter not 16 then? Specificity is the special sauce in all queries. It's one of the important elements that hooks agents. Instead of "special study" I would specify what kind of study and then use the next sentence to go into it. Set the tone for your story.) The experiments go wrong when Peter Stone accidentally makes contact with a mysterious entity. (See, this sentence doesn't work because it's vague upon vague. Tell us what went wrong in the experiment and name the mysterious entity. An agent wants to know what went wrong so they can understand the motivations of both the protagonist and antagonist.)

 

With the SRC and soon the rest of the world on his heels, Peter must race to discover what the entity is before he is captured (Or else what? What will happen if he doesn't figure it out?). With the help of a legendary mercenary, a genius hacker, and a master infiltrator, he sets out to uncover the mystery of why his family was killed and the reason the entity chose him. (Chose him for what?)

 

On their first major mission, our heroes meet a stark ending. (So Peter is recruited to do missions now? It's starting to get confusing) After a valiant effort, Stone and his team make their escape only to get ambushed just outside by a third party. The story ends on a dark note as the main character is executed, shot in the face by the large blast of a laser pistol. Leaving the reader with a heavy message that not every hero makes it, and not every story has a happy ending. (I'm not fond of this paragraph as a whole. It's not contributing to your letter positively. Generally, you want to expose only the first third of your story in the query. You don't need to tell us what happens in the end. In fact, revealing your ending might let the agent down. If you already know Peter is going to die, why invest yourself in caring about him then? Do you see what I mean?) 

 

Broken Fate: Edge Of Destiny BROKEN FATE: EDGE OF DESTINY is a 180,000 word dark, fantasy; told in three parts. It takes place in an alternate future in New York City reminiscent of George Orwell’s: 1984 and contains supernatural elements fans of Jim Butcher’s: Dresden Files should welcome. If I had to compare it to a couple of movies, I might say it was a mix of Constantine and Equilibrium in a Minority Report-like future. That’s the supernatural, demonic alternate dimensions elements, with the hint of a controlled and oppressed people, in a future where technology has advanced but only serves to put a more watchful eye on the public. (This paragraph is all stylistic. You can keep this the way it is.)


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#4 awkwardauthor

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Posted 11 March 2016 - 11:23 AM

Hi, I agree with Deeba's comments above, but I'll add that you shouldn't editorialize your query. Also, you drift away from the query format to a synopsis towards the end, and agents don't want to see that. A query's job is to entice the agent and pique their interests so that they'll want/need to read more of your story. If you do a well enough job to grab their interests, then they'll request your MS.

 

Some agents will ask for a query letter and a separate synopsis, which is a totally different animal. You don't reveal plot twists, conclusions in a query, but absolutely do in a synopsis. Plus, synops are longer and will give you the freedom to be a bit more detailed and wordy. When re-drafting this query, try not to be vague, add a little more specifics, but don't give everything away. Save that for the synopsis.






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