Dear Agent Name Here,
After losing everyone he loves in a terrorist bombing, Peter Stone, 16, is forced into hiding; fearing that his family may have been the target and he would be next.
Due to his financial bind, he agrees to participate in a special study being held by the sinister SunRay Corporation, some years later. The experiments go wrong when Peter Stone accidentally makes contact with a mysterious entity.
With the SRC and soon the rest of the world on his heels, Peter must race to discover what the entity is before he is captured. With the help of a legendary mercenary, a genius hacker, and a master infiltrator, he sets out to uncover the mystery of why his family was killed and the reason the entity chose him.
On their first major mission, our heroes meet a stark ending. After a valiant effort, Stone and his team make their escape only to get ambushed just outside by a third party. The story ends on a dark note as the main character is executed, shot in the face by the large blast of a laser pistol. Leaving the reader with a heavy message that not every hero makes it, and not every story has a happy ending.
Broken Fate: Edge Of Destiny is a 180,000 word dark, fantasy; told in three parts. It takes place in an alternate future in New York City reminiscent of George Orwell’s: 1984 and contains supernatural elements fans of Jim Butcher’s: Dresden Files should welcome. If I had to compare it to a couple of movies, I might say it was a mix of Constantine and Equilibrium in a Minority Report-like future. That’s the supernatural, demonic alternate dimensions elements, with the hint of a controlled and oppressed people, in a future where technology has advanced but only serves to put a more watchful eye on the public.
I would appreciate a critique or comments on this. I have been given the advice that my word counts is too large. I get it. I'm working on a new shorter version but I would like to seek an agent for this version in the mean time, small as my chances may be. I will return the favor. Also, I have heard from many reputable sources that I should be as open about the story as possible explaining as much as possible whilst including the end. The 5 W's are a bit hard to get into in 250 words so although I could have expanded on some areas, it would mean at least 5-7 more lines of explanation which would take me too far past the 250 word limit at this already 310 word query (almost exactly 1 page which is also said to be an upper limit). I have also come to the understanding that they want both a mini bio and comparison or at least something about what your target audience is/ who would find this material interesting. I tried to include that and a little of myself(voice) in there.