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World War W/Division

Adventure Science Fiction

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#1 Andrew Rosenberg

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Posted 28 March 2016 - 11:26 PM

Thanks for any/all feedback! Met an agent the other day who wants me to submit and now I need a query letter!

Updated query: http://agentquerycon...ision/?p=317078

 

Dear Uber Agent,

 

Just finding medicine in a world torn apart by hate is hard enough, but when smuggler Asha's caught in the midst of a concentration camp riot, it's all she can do to escape with her life. In this world, her kind are imprisoned, forced to endure Division, the Sodality's cruel practice of mutilation. During Asha's flight from the camp, she somehow shoots down and captures Prince Derrick, the handsome son the land's evil dictator. After getting to know Derrick's kind soul, Asha must choose between using him as a pawn in her kind's struggle to survive, or give into the yearnings of her heart and simply let him go.

 

After all, he's the only person she's ever known who's not hell-bent on torturing and murdering her kind. Women.

 

I am seeking representation for World War W/Division, a complete post-apocalyptic science-fiction novel of 115,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.



#2 Ireth

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Posted 28 March 2016 - 11:38 PM

Thanks for any/all feedback! Met an agent the other day who wants me to submit and now I need a query letter!

 

Dear Uber Agent,

 

Just finding medicine in a world torn apart by hate is hard enough, but when smuggler Asha's caught in the midst of a concentration camp (eeek, Nazis?) riot, it's all she can do to escape with her life. In this world, her kind are imprisoned, forced to endure Division, the Sodality's cruel practice of mutilation. During Asha's flight from the camp, she somehow shoots down and captures ("shoots down" makes it sound like she killed him; maybe say "wounds" instead?) Prince Derrick, the handsome son the land's evil dictator. After getting to know Derrick's kind soul, Asha must choose between using him as a pawn in her kind's struggle to survive, or give into the yearnings of her heart and simply let him go.

 

After all, he's the only person she's ever known who's not hell-bent on torturing and murdering her kind. Women. (Um, wow. I'm a bit lost here. If women are being captured and murdered left and right, how is the species surviving? Is this a world where men can reproduce by themselves? I think you should expand a wee bit on the backstory to make this believable.)

 

I am seeking representation for World War W/Division (put this in all caps) is a complete post-apocalyptic science-fiction novel of 115,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#3 Springfield

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Posted 29 March 2016 - 01:12 AM

Thanks for any/all feedback! Met an agent the other day who wants me to submit and now I need a query letter!

 

Dear Uber Agent,

 

Just finding medicine in a world torn apart by hate is hard enough, but when smuggler Asha's caught in the midst of a concentration camp riot, it's all she can do to escape with her life. In this world, her kind are imprisoned, forced to endure Division, the Sodality's cruel practice of mutilation. During Asha's flight from the camp, she somehow shoots down and captures Prince Derrick, the handsome son the land's evil dictator. After getting to know Derrick's kind soul, Asha must choose between using him as a pawn in her kind's struggle to survive, or give into the yearnings of her heart and simply let him go.

 

After all, he's the only person she's ever known who's not hell-bent on torturing and murdering her kind. Women. This is too late to do this imo. I was way annoyed with the lack of specificity before this, and then this just brings up endless questions. The plot in this seems like it can't possibly support that length. She's in some kind of camp, she escapes and captures the evil prince with the heart of gold, then has to decide whether to let him go. I don't know her main issue, the setting, anything really. This sounds very generic as is. 

 

I am seeking representation for World War W/Division, a complete post-apocalyptic science-fiction novel of 115,000 words. Thank you for your consideration. How is this scifi?



#4 Andrew Rosenberg

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Posted 30 March 2016 - 08:06 PM

Thanks for the feedback! Those are all good questions.

 

Try #2

 

It's World War W, the "War on Women" taken to its extreme. Women reduced to slavery, relocated to concentration camps. Asha, 20, is one of them, hiding in a secret resistance base deep in enemy territory. When her camp shoots down a Prince, he's captured alive, and she's tasked with his interrogation. He's the son of Lord Erik, the man responsible for the Sodality and all the misery brought upon women. But the prince isn't evil like his father, he's despairing of his role as heir apparent, and wants nothing to do with the conflict.

Asha's desperate to turn him to her side, if only she could turn herself away from his embraces.

When Erik discovers their tryst and throws them in an epic deathmatch to determine the next ruler of the Sodality, they must work together to give the human race any chance of surviving.

 

WORLD WAR W/DIVISION is a complete post-apocalyptic science-fiction novel of 115,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#5 BrandyGaye

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Posted 30 March 2016 - 10:45 PM

I did not read the first try on purpose so Im fresh eyes for this one...

It's World War W, the "War on Women" taken to its extreme. Women reduced to slavery, relocated to concentration camps.  <Not a full sentence? Asha, 20, is one of them, hiding in a secret resistance base deep in enemy territory. When her camp shoots down a Prince, he's captured alive, and she's tasked with his interrogation. He's the son of Lord Erik, the man responsible for the Sodality and all the misery brought upon women. But the prince isn't evil like his father, he's despairing of his role as heir apparent, and wants nothing to do with the conflict.

Asha's desperate to turn him to her side, if only she could turn herself away from his embraces. Does he like her too?

When Lord Erik discovers their tryst and throws them in an epic deathmatch to determine the next ruler of the Sodality, they must work together to give the human race any chance of surviving.

 

WORLD WAR W/DIVISION is a complete post-apocalyptic science-fiction novel of 115,000 words. <Ooh! I'm glad yours is long too! Mine is 114,000! Thank you for your time and consideration.

Good summary, but maybe a little short? Any subplot you could touch upon? I know that makes it more difficult. Just opinion. : ) Its very concise as is and def lets you know the main plot well. Perhaps a word or two about their personalities? It sounds intriguing!! Do you have any comps to add at the end? Published? Member of any writing guilds? Ect ect. Just a thought.



#6 HarlequinWriter

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Posted 02 September 2018 - 04:03 PM

It's World War W, the "War on Women" taken to its extreme. Women reduced to slavery, relocated to concentration camps. Why? Where? Asha, 20, is one of them, hiding in a secret resistance base deep in enemy territory. When her camp shoots down a Prince, he's captured alive, Her camp captures a prince and she's tasked with his interrogation. He's the son of Lord Erik, the man responsible for the Sodality and all the misery brought upon women. But the prince isn't evil like his father, he's despairing of his role as heir apparent, and wants nothing to do with the conflict.

Asha's desperate to turn him to her side, if only she could turn herself away from his embraces.

When Erik discovers their tryst and throws them in an epic deathmatch to determine the next ruler of the Sodality, they must work together to give the human race any chance of surviving. I think I'm missing something but if Erik hates women, why would he allow one a chance to become the next ruler of the Sodality? You should also expand on Asha's character and personality a little more. 

 

WORLD WAR W/DIVISION is a complete post-apocalyptic science-fiction novel of 115,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#7 Patomac

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Posted 02 September 2018 - 08:47 PM

Hey there,

 

So I think my main takeaway for you would be to focus more on Asha and her love interest. We need to know something more about them than "Asha's a woman in the resistance" and "the Prince is the villain's son." What makes Asha interesting? What makes the Prince a good guy? Why do I want to root for them to get together? 

 

I know this isn't a romance book, but I think you might benefit from reading some romance queries and going from there. You have a lot of room to work with, so I'd want to see a compelling reason why these two actually like each other, and then an explanation of the circumstances leading to them getting caught/thrown into deeper trouble.

 

Also, please don't take my comments below as condemnation of you as a person or necessarily of your story. It might all make perfect sense in context, but your query does not make me think that you can write about the oppression of women with any sort of grace. If you want the publishing industry (which is mostly female, by the way) to allow you to tell this story, you have to prove in your query that you can do it with dignity and sensitivity. 

Thanks for the feedback! Those are all good questions.

 

Try #2

 

It's World War W, the "War on Women" taken to its extreme. Women have been reduced to slaveryand relocated to concentration camps. Asha, 20, is one of them, hiding in a secret resistance base deep in enemy territory. When her camp shoots down a Prince, he's captured alive, and she's tasked with his interrogation. He's the son of Lord Erik, the man responsible for the Sodality and all the misery brought upon women. But the prince isn't evil like his father, he's despairing of his role as heir apparent, and wants nothing to do with the conflict. (Forgive me for a harsh critique, but 'wanting nothing to do' with the enslavement of half of the human race doesn't make you an awesome person. In fact, you're still a collaborator, which puts you just a step down the ladder from the people doing the enslavement themselves). 

Asha's desperate to turn him to her side, if only she could turn herself away from his embraces. (Okay, I hate to be personal, but as a woman, ick. I love a forbidden romance, but I don't think you're conveying any of the personal qualities of either protagonist here.)

When Erik discovers their tryst and throws them in an epic deathmatch to determine the next ruler of the Sodality, they must work together to give the human race any chance of surviving. (How does this work exactly? How does the Prince get back to Erik? How are they discovered? What's up with the death match? If this is the central conflict (other than the forbidden love story angle), I think you need to go into deeper detail on this. 

 

WORLD WAR W/DIVISION is a complete post-apocalyptic science-fiction novel of 115,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.







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