Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo

ALL THOSE WHO WANDER(YA sci-fi)


  • Please log in to reply
8 replies to this topic

#1 Milady

Milady

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 87 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationCanada

Posted 09 April 2016 - 01:23 PM

Hi all! I'm new to this, so any advice would be much appreciated. I'll do my best to return the favor. Thanks in advance!

 

 

 

 

From the day eighteen-year-old BRIANNA CROSS sees GRAYSON, a stranger who is oddly familiar, she is plagued by a host of memories that never happened.

 

When her aunt SELENE recruits her to the Chronological Maintenance Department, a government agency from the future, it’s almost a welcome distraction. She trains to one day destroy Celosia, the city outside of time where genetically-enhanced criminals known as techies reside.

 

After killing a blip – the illicit children of the techies – in a fit of panic, Bree is consumed with guilt, and begins to listen to whispers of conspiracy from fellow agent CASPER. Before she has time to truly question the Department, her best friend is captured by techies. To rescue her, Bree has no choice but to accept help from ADDY, a girl from the same memories she is trying to avoid.

 

The mission goes awry, and Bree is captured. Grayson, who is a techie soldier, reveals the frightening truth about Bree: she is actually a blip. Grayson had given her a new identity for reasons he wouldn’t disclose, and her real name is AUBREY FALLON.

 

Bree is rescued by Addy and her brother Casper, who reveal that they are also blips, and bring her to their own town outside of time.When guilt forces Bree to reveal that she had killed a blip, she is shunned by the town’s residents. To make matters even worse, the woman she’d killed had been a vital part of an undercover mission on Celosia, and now another blip is in fatal danger.

 

Desperate to make things right, Bree, with Casper’s support, is allowed to join the blips’ rescue force. When she proves essential to the success of the mission, she regains some lost trust.

 

 

Bree’s sense of victory is short-lived; the rescue mission was merely a diversion. To cut off the budding alliance between the Department and the blips, the techies plan to frame the blips for assassinating an officer of the Department – Bree’s aunt Selene.

 

Bree rushes to her former home, only to find that a traitor in the blips’ midst had forewarned the techies of their arrival. Bree and her friends walk straight into a trap – the Department’s agents are waiting for them, and launch a vicious assault.

 

Worried for her aunt’s safety, Bree abandons the fight to run to Selene’s aid. Only then does she find out the truth – Selene herself is actually a techie, and has been working with Grayson to repress Bree’s memories.

 

Heartbroken and bewildered, Bree forces Selene to reveal her treacherous identity to the Department’s agents. A tentative truce is formed – then quickly unravels when the traitorous blip murders the nearest agent. An officer of the Department helps Bree and her friends escape, revealing that the Department is actually run by techies. The officer allies herself with Bree and the blips, and together they vow to free the Department from the techies’ control.

 

The web of lies that had entangled Bree’s life for so long is now finally unravelled. With her newfound old friends beside her and the support of Casper, whom she loves, Bree is no longer so afraid of her past – hopeful for the future.


If you have time, any feedback would be much appreciated!  :wink: 

 

ALL THOSE WHO WANDER(YA sci-fi)

 

Query

Synopsis

First 250 words


#2 Comicazy

Comicazy

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 137 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 13 April 2016 - 12:54 AM

Hi all! I'm new to this, so any advice would be much appreciated. I'll do my best to return the favor. Thanks in advance!

 

 

 

 

From the day eighteen-year-old BRIANNA CROSS sees GRAYSON, a stranger who is oddly familiar, she is plagued by a host of memories that never happened.

 

When her aunt SELENE recruits her to the Chronological Maintenance Department, a government agency from the future, it’s almost a welcome distraction. She trains to one day destroy Celosia, the city outside of time(,) where genetically-enhanced criminals known as techies reside.

 

After killing a blip – the illicit children of the techies – in a fit of panic, Bree is consumed with guilt, and begins to listen to whispers of conspiracy from fellow agent CASPER. Before she has time to truly question the Department, her best friend is captured by techies. To rescue her, Bree has no choice but to accept help from ADDY, a girl from the same memories she is trying to avoid.(So this girl comes out of her memories?)

 

(Unfortunately t)The mission goes awry, and Bree is captured. Grayson, who is a techie soldier, reveals the frightening truth about Bree: she is actually a blip.(Is Bree captured by Grayson/the Techies?)Grayson had given her a new identity for reasons he wouldn’t disclose, and her real name is AUBREY FALLON.(Since this name doesn't get used later, I would drop it and just mention something about a hidden past.)

 

Bree is rescued by Addy and her brother Casper, who reveal that they are also blips, and bring her to their own town outside of time.(Celosia, or a different city/town?) When guilt forces Bree to reveal that she had killed a blip, she is shunned by the town’s residents. To make matters even worse, the woman she’d killed had been a vital part of an undercover mission on Celosia, and now another blip is in fatal danger.

 

Desperate to make things right, Bree, with Casper’s support, is allowed to join the blips’ rescue force. When she proves essential to the success of the mission, she regains some lost trust.(How does she prove to be essential?)

 

 

Bree’s sense of victory is short-lived; the rescue mission was merely a diversion. To cut off the budding alliance between the Department and the blips, the techies plan to frame the blips for assassinating an officer of the Department – Bree’s aunt Selene.(Wait, I thought the blips were children of the techies. Why would they have an alliance with the Department?)

 

Bree rushes to her former home, only to find that a traitor in the blips’ midst had forewarned the techies of their arrival. Bree and her friends walk straight into a trap – the Department’s agents are waiting for them, and launch a vicious assault.(So a blip traitor warns the techies, and the Department shows up? Very confused as to who is on what side.)

 

Worried for her aunt’s safety, Bree abandons the fight to run to Selene’s aid. Only then does she find out the truth – Selene herself is actually a techie, and has been working with Grayson to repress Bree’s memories.

 

Heartbroken and bewildered, Bree forces Selene to reveal her treacherous identity to the Department’s agents. A tentative truce is formed – then quickly unravels when the traitorous blip murders the nearest agent. An officer of the Department helps Bree and her friends escape, revealing that the Department is actually run by techies.(Okay, now I am official way confused and lost.) The officer allies herself with Bree and the blips, and together they vow to free the Department from the techies’ control.

 

The web of lies that had entangled Bree’s life for so long is now finally unravelled. With her newfound old friends(very contradictory, either they're old friends, or new friends.) beside her and the support of Casper, whom she loves(This love interest should probably be mentioned sooner. Sorta comes out of left field here.) , Bree is no longer so afraid of her past – hopeful for the future.

I'll be honest, I think an agent would have dropped this halfway through. I'm sure the way everything is revealed in the book it makes sense, but they way it's told here is very confusing. Try to be a little more specific in some areas, and not so mysterious. Tell the main plot, and try to leave out subplots and hidden meanings. Hope this helps you. If you get a chance, check out my synopsis for Ripples. Thanks, and good luck to you.

 

Comic



#3 Milady

Milady

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 87 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationCanada

Posted 15 April 2016 - 11:10 AM

Thanks for the advice, Comicazy! Hopefully this one's an improvement. Any help would be great, and I'll return the favour as soon as possible.

 

 

From the day eighteen-year-old BRIANNA CROSS sees GRAYSON, a stranger who is oddly familiar, she is plagued by a host of memories that never happened.

 

When her aunt SELENE recruits her to the Chronological Maintenance Department, a government agency from the future, it’s almost a welcome distraction. They promise to one day destroy Celosia, the city outside of time, where genetically-enhanced criminals known as techies reside. For now, though, they target blips – the illicit, almost human descendants of the techies who are scattered throughout time.

 

After killing a blip in a fit of panic, Bree is consumed with guilt, and begins to listen to whispers of conspiracy from fellow agent CASPER. Before she has time to truly question the Department, her best friend is captured by techies. When ADDY, a girl from Bree’s nonsensical memories, actually shows up and offers to help her rescue her best friend, Bree has no choice but to accept.

 

The mission goes awry, and Bree is captured by the techies. Grayson, who is a techie soldier, reveals the frightening truth about Bree: she is actually a blip, who had been given a false identity many years ago.

 

Bree is rescued by Addy and, surprisingly, Casper – he is Addy’s brother, undercover at the Department. They reveal that they are also blips, and bring her to the blips’ own town outside of time. It turns out that the techies and their descendants have long-since been at war – to remedy Celosia's steep population decline, they hunt down the blips and force them to undergo genetic enhancement to become techies.

 

When guilt forces Bree to reveal that she had killed a blip, she is shunned by the town’s residents. To make matters even worse, the woman she’d killed had been a vital part of an undercover mission on Celosia, and now another blip is in fatal danger.

 

Desperate to make things right, Bree, with Casper’s support, is allowed to join the blips’ rescue force. When she proves essential to the success of the mission, she regains some lost trust.

 

Bree’s sense of victory is short-lived; the rescue mission was merely a diversion. To escalate tensions between the blips and the Department, the techies plan to frame the blips for assassinating an officer of the Department – Bree’s aunt Selene.

 

Bree rushes to her former home, but there is no sign of the techies. Instead, they are greeted by the Department, who launch a vicious assault. Confused, and worried for her aunt’s safety, Bree abandons the fight to run to Selene’s aid. Only then does she find out the truth – Selene herself is actually a techie, and has been working with Grayson to repress Bree’s memories.

 

Heartbroken and bewildered, Bree only manages to escape with the help of an officer of the Department. The officer reveals that what was supposed to be a government agency has long-since been infiltrated by the techies, who manipulate the unwitting agents into helping them capture blips.

 

Now that they know the truth, Bree and her friends vow to free the Department from the techies’ control. Free of the web of lies that had entangled her life for so long, Bree is no longer so afraid of her past – and hopeful of the future to come.


If you have time, any feedback would be much appreciated!  :wink: 

 

ALL THOSE WHO WANDER(YA sci-fi)

 

Query

Synopsis

First 250 words


#4 Kjcloutier19

Kjcloutier19

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 57 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, emerging, unagented
  • LocationCanada
  • Publishing Experience:I have had a short story published in a school anthology, but my goal now is to publish the novel I have been working on for the past couple of years.

Posted 15 April 2016 - 08:32 PM

Hi! Just want to start off with saying that I am new to writing synopsis, so I will try to be as helpful as I can but take everything I say with a grain of salt. 

Thanks for the advice, Comicazy! Hopefully this one's an improvement. Any help would be great, and I'll return the favour as soon as possible.

 

 

From the day eighteen-year-old BRIANNA CROSS sees GRAYSON, a stranger who is oddly familiar, she is plagued by a host of memories that never happened.

 

When her aunt SELENE recruits her to the Chronological Maintenance Department, a government agency from the future, it’s almost a welcome distraction.  They promise to one day destroy Celosia, the city outside of time, where genetically-enhanced criminals known as techies reside. For now, though, they target blips – the illicit, almost human descendants of the techies who are scattered throughout time. (I love this second paragraph, but to be honest it threw me off for a moment. The first paragraph sounded so normal, like a literary fiction story and then suddenly time travelling. Maybe find away to bring these paragraphs together, or maybe even switch the order?)

 

After killing a blip in a fit of panic, Bree is consumed with guilt, and begins to listen to whispers of conspiracy from fellow agent CASPER. Before she has time to truly question the Department, her best friend is captured by techies. When ADDY, a girl from Bree’s nonsensical memories, actually shows up and offers to help her rescue her best friend, Bree has no choice but to accept. (So Bree saw this girl in her memories and now she is real too?)

 

The mission goes awry, and Bree is captured by the techies. Grayson, who is a techie soldier, reveals the frightening truth about Bree: she is actually a blip, who had been given a false identity many years ago. (Interesting!)

 

Bree is rescued by Addy and, surprisingly, Casper – he is Addy’s brother, undercover at the Department. (This seems out of place here, and it took me a moment to realize it was meant to be a twist. Maybe say and Bree learns that Caspter is Addy's brother etc) They reveal that they are also blips, and bring her to the blips’ own town outside of time. It turns out that the techies and their descendants have long-since been at war – to remedy Celosia's steep population decline, they hunt down the blips and force them to undergo genetic enhancement to become techies.

 

When guilt forces Bree to reveal that she had killed a blip, she is shunned by the town’s residents. To make matters even worse, the woman she’d killed had been a vital part of an undercover mission on Celosia, and now another blip is in fatal danger. (Ooohh)

 

Desperate to make things right, Bree, with Casper’s support, is allowed to join the blips’ rescue force. When she proves essential to the success of the mission, she regains some lost trust.

 

Bree’s sense of victory is short-lived; the rescue mission was merely a diversion. To escalate tensions between the blips and the Department, the techies plan to frame the blips for assassinating an officer of the Department – Bree’s aunt Selene.(Holy twists)

 

Bree rushes to her former home, but there is no sign of the techies. Instead, they are greeted by the Department, who launch a vicious assault. Confused, and worried for her aunt’s safety, Bree abandons the fight to run to Selene’s aid. Only then does she find out the truth – Selene herself is actually a techie, and has been working with Grayson to repress Bree’s memories.

 

Heartbroken and bewildered, Bree only manages to escape with the help of an officer of the Department. The officer reveals that what was supposed to be a government agency has long-since been infiltrated by the techies, who manipulate the unwitting agents into helping them capture blips.

 

Now that they know the truth, Bree and her friends vow to free the Department from the techies’ control. Free of the web of lies that had entangled her life for so long, Bree is no longer so afraid of her past – and hopeful of the future to come.

 

Whoa! This story sounds so amazing, I would love to be able to read this one day! This is also a great synopsis as far as I can tell. I hope I was at least some help, and I wish you the best of luck with everything!



#5 Comicazy

Comicazy

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 137 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 16 April 2016 - 02:53 AM

Thanks for the advice, Comicazy! Hopefully this one's an improvement. Any help would be great, and I'll return the favour as soon as possible.

 

 

From the day eighteen-year-old BRIANNA CROSS sees GRAYSON, a stranger who is oddly familiar, she is plagued by a host of memories that never happened.

 

When her aunt SELENE recruits her to the Chronological Maintenance Department, a government agency from the future, it’s almost a welcome distraction. They promise(Their goal/mission is) to one day destroy Celosia(em dash)the city outside of time(em dash)where genetically-enhanced criminals known as techies reside. For now, though, they target blips – the illicit, almost human descendants of the techies who are scattered throughout time.

 

After killing a blip in a fit of panic, Bree is consumed with guilt, and begins to listen to whispers of conspiracy from fellow agent CASPER. Before she has time to truly question the Department, her best friend is captured by techies. When ADDY, a girl from Bree’s nonsensical memories, actually shows up and offers to help her rescue her best friend, Bree has no choice but to accept.

 

The mission goes awry(though), and Bree is captured by the techies. Grayson, who is a techie soldier, reveals the frightening truth about Bree: she is actually a blip, who had been given a false identity many years ago.( I can't figure out how to word it, but I think you should include the bit from a previous version about her memory being wiped. Otherwise it almost makes it sound he's revealing that she's undercover or something.)

 

Bree is rescued by Addy and, surprisingly, Casper – he is Addy’s brother, (and) undercover at the Department. They reveal that they are also blips, and bring her to the blips’ own town outside of time. It turns out (There she learns) that the techies and their descendants have long-since been at war – <You could probably just make these into two separate sentences> to remedy Celosia's steep population decline, they hunt down the blips and force them to undergo genetic enhancement to become techies.

 

When guilt forces Bree to reveal that she had killed a blip, she is shunned by the town’s residents. To make matters even worse, the woman she’d killed had been a vital part of an undercover mission on Celosia, and now another blip is in fatal danger.

 

Desperate to make things right, Bree, with Casper’s support, is allowed to join the blips’ rescue force. When she proves essential to the success of the mission, she regains some lost trust.(If you have enough room, maybe elaborate on why she is essential to the success of the mission. ie: fighting skills, tactical decisions, superpower. If not, maybe generalize and just say that because the mission is a success, she regains some lost trust.)

 

Bree’s sense of victory is short-lived; (however, as) the rescue mission was merely a diversion. To escalate tensions between the blips and the Department, the techies plan to frame the blips for assassinating an officer of the Department – Bree’s aunt Selene. (So was the rescue mission a diversion on the part of the blips, or the techies?)

 

Bree rushes to her former home, but there is no sign of the techies. Instead, they are greeted by the Department, who launch(es) a vicious assault. Confused, and worried for her aunt’s safety, Bree abandons the fight to run to Selene’s aid. Only then does she find out the truth – Selene herself is actually a techie, and has been working with Grayson to repress Bree’s memories.(This would help tie into what I mentioned earlier)

 

Heartbroken and bewildered, Bree only manages to escape with the help of an officer of the Department. The officer reveals that what was supposed to be a government agency has(had) long-since been infiltrated by the techies, who manipulate the unwitting agents into helping them capture blips.

 

Now that they know the truth, Bree and her friends vow to free the Department from the techies’ control. <"Now that they know the truth" and "Free of the web of lies" is redundant. Can you combine these sentences or something?>Free of the web of lies that had entangled her life for so long, Bree is no longer so afraid of her past – and hopeful of the future to come.

 

All-in-all, this is looking good. Most of my comments this round are just about wording and clarity. I've always loved a good time travel story. I've updated my synopsis as well. Stop by if you get a chance. Thanks.

 

Comic



#6 apac

apac

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 69 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 18 April 2016 - 01:01 PM

Hi Milady,

 

Thanks for sharing your story - sounds really cool to me! I have some edits for you below. Also would work on clarifying cause and effect here and maybe cuting a few plot points / characters and streamine. Hope it helps. 

If you would like to return the favor my synposis thread is below:

 

http://agentquerycon...ocate/?p=318251
 

Warmly,

 

apac

 

 

Thanks for the advice, Comicazy! Hopefully this one's an improvement. Any help would be great, and I'll return the favour as soon as possible.

 

 

From the day eighteen-year-old BRIANNA CROSS sees (oddly familiar, or some other adjective, I would make this sentence punchier.) GRAYSON, a stranger who is oddly familiar, she is plagued by a host of memories that never happened.

 

When her aunt SELENE recruits her to the Chronological Maintenance Department, a government agency from the future, it’s almost a welcome distraction. They promise to one day destroy Celosia, the city outside of time, where genetically-enhanced criminals known as techies reside. For now, though, they target blips – the illicit, almost human descendants of the techies who are scattered throughout time. (probably a sentence or two more description of what these agencies and city are would help, I don't know what a "city outside of time" means...that time stands still there? How does that work?)

 

After killing a blip in a fit of panic (describe better...why panicked?), Bree is consumed with guilt, and begins to listen to whispers of conspiracy from fellow agent CASPER (this doesn't follow for me from being consumed with guilt). Before she has time to truly question the Department, her best friend is captured by techies. When ADDY, a girl from Bree’s nonsensical memories, actually shows up and offers to help her rescue her best friend, Bree has no choice but to accept. (watch the passive sentences in this pg)

 

The mission goes awry (how exactly, this is just a cliche phrase, doesn't mean much), and Bree is captured by the techies. Grayson, who is a techie soldier, reveals the frightening truth about Bree: she is actually a blip, who had been given a false identity many years ago. (So grayson dissapears and then reappears again, if he doesn't "act" in the plot until here, i'd just put him here...) 

 

Bree is rescued by Addy and, surprisingly, Casper – he is Addy’s brother, undercover at the Department. They reveal that they are also blips, and bring her to the blips’ own town outside of time. It turns out that the techies and their descendants have long-since been at war – to remedy Celosia's steep population decline, they (techies?) hunt down the blips and force them to undergo genetic enhancement to become techies.

 

When guilt forces Bree (be more specific...) to reveal that she had killed a blip, she is shunned by the town’s residents. To make matters even worse, the woman she’d killed had been a vital part of an undercover mission on Celosia, and now another blip is in fatal (grave) danger.

 

Desperate to make things right, Bree, with Casper’s support, is allowed to join the blips’ rescue force. When she proves essential to the success of the mission, she regains some lost trust.

 

Bree’s sense of victory is short-lived; the rescue mission was merely a diversion. To escalate tensions between the blips and the Department, the techies plan to frame the blips for assassinating an officer of the Department – Bree’s aunt Selene.

 

Bree rushes to her former home, but there is no sign of the techies. Instead, they are greeted by the Department, who launch a vicious assault. Confused, and worried for her aunt’s safety, Bree abandons the fight to run to Selene’s aid. Only then does she find out the truth – Selene herself is actually a techie, and has been working with Grayson to repress Bree’s memories.

 

Heartbroken and bewildered, Bree only manages to escape with the help of an officer of the Department (why does he help her?). The officer reveals that what was supposed to be a government agency has long-since been infiltrated by the techies, who manipulate the unwitting agents into helping them capture blips. (so the Department doesn't want to destoy Celosia? Or am I missing something?) 

 

Now that they know the truth, Bree and her friends vow to free the Department from the techies’ control (but what do they do exactly?). Free of the web of lies that had entangled her life for so long, Bree is no longer so afraid of her past – and hopeful of the future to come. (I don't understand the conclusion here...)



#7 Milady

Milady

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 87 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationCanada

Posted 21 April 2016 - 06:36 PM

Thanks so much, guys! You've been lots of help. PM me if I haven't gotten back to your synopsis yet.

 

Here's the new revision:

 

From the day eighteen-year-old BRIANNA CROSS sees GRAYSON, a stranger who is oddly familiar, she is plagued by a host of memories that never happened.

 

When her aunt SELENE recruits her to the Chronological Maintenance Department, a government agency from the future, it’s almost a welcome distraction. Their goal is to one day destroy Celosia, the city where genetically-enhanced criminals known as techies reside. Built inside a time warp, which means it’s separate from the timestream altogether, and surrounded by a tall iron fence, Celosia is nearly impenetrable. So for now, they are told to target blips – the illicit, almost human descendants of the techies who are scattered throughout time.

 

Bree is consumed with guilt after killing a blip in a fit of panic, and begins to listen to whispers of conspiracy from fellow agent CASPER. Before she has time to truly question the Department, her best friend is captured by techies. When ADDY, a girl from Bree’s nonsensical memories, turns out to not only be real, but also offers to help her rescue her best friend, Bree decides it could be the only chance she’ll get.

 

They are overwhelmed inside Celosia’s prison, however, and Bree is captured by the techies. Grayson, a techie soldier, reveals the frightening truth about Bree: she is actually a blip, who had been given a new identity after he wiped her memory many years ago.

 

Bree is rescued by Addy and, surprisingly, Casper – he is Addy’s brother, undercover at the Department. They reveal that they are also blips, and bring her to the blips’ own town outside of time. There she learns that the techies and their descendants have long-since been at war. Once, the techies and the blips shared residence on Celosia, but ever since a law was passed requiring all blips to undergo genetic enhancement to become techies, those who resisted have been branded traitors and outlaws.

 

When guilt forces Bree to reveal that she had killed a blip, she is shunned by the town’s residents. To make matters even worse, the woman she’d killed had been a vital part of an undercover mission on Celosia, and now another blip is in grave danger.

 

Desperate to make things right, Bree, with Casper’s support, is allowed to join the blips’ rescue force. When her split-second ingenuity proves essential to the success of the mission, she regains some lost trust.

 

Bree’s sense of victory is short-lived, however, as the rescue mission was merely a diversion. To escalate tensions between the blips and the Department, the techies are busy framing the blips for assassinating an officer of the Department – Bree’s aunt Selene.

 

Bree rushes to her former home, but there is no sign of the techies. Instead, they are greeted by the Department, who launch a vicious assault.

 

Confused, and worried for her aunt’s safety, Bree abandons the fight to run to Selene’s aid. Only then does she find out the truth – Selene herself is actually a techie, and has been working with Grayson to repress Bree’s memories.

 

Heartbroken and bewildered, Bree only manages to escape with the help of an officer of the Department. The officer reveals that what was supposed to be a government agency has long-since been infiltrated by the techies, who manipulate the unwitting agents into helping them capture blips.

 

Bree and her friends vow to free the Department from the techies’ control. Free of the web of lies that had entangled her life for so long, Bree is no longer so afraid of her past – and ready to face the future to come.


If you have time, any feedback would be much appreciated!  :wink: 

 

ALL THOSE WHO WANDER(YA sci-fi)

 

Query

Synopsis

First 250 words


#8 anathebookworm

anathebookworm

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 167 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationSouth America

Posted 04 May 2016 - 08:39 PM

Thanks so much, guys! You've been lots of help. PM me if I haven't gotten back to your synopsis yet.

 

Here's the new revision:

 

From the day eighteen-year-old BRIANNA BREE (you confused me for the longest time here, because I couldn't figure out for a whole minute that Bree was Brianna. It might have been just me, but I would call her "Bree" here too) CROSS sees GRAYSON, a stranger who is oddly familiar, she is plagued by a host of memories that never happened. Alright, this confused me too. I couldn't figure out who Grayson was, and even when you finally gave him some space here, I barely made the connection that he was the same Grayson mentioned at the beginning. I would start just by saying that Aunt Selene recruited Bree and go from there.

 

When her aunt SELENE recruits her to the Chronological Maintenance Department, a government agency from the future, it’s almost a welcome distraction. Their goal is to one day destroy Celosia, the city where genetically-enhanced criminals known as techies reside. Built inside a time warp, which means it’s separate from the timestream altogether, and surrounded by a tall iron fence, Celosia is nearly impenetrable. So for now, they are told to target blips – the illicit, almost human descendants of the techies who are scattered throughout time.

 

Bree is consumed with guilt after killing a blip in a fit of panic, and begins to listen to whispers of conspiracy from fellow agent CASPER what the whispers have to do with her killing the blip?. Before But before she has time to truly question the Department, her best friend is captured by techies. When ADDY, a girl from Bree’s nonsensical memories, turns out to not only be real, but also offers to help her rescue her best friend, Bree decides it could be the only chance she’ll get.

 

They are overwhelmed inside Celosia’s prison, however, and Bree is captured by the techies. Grayson NOW that is the moment to say that she somehow remembered him and properly introduce him to your reader, a techie soldier, reveals the frightening truth about Bree: she is actually a blip, who had been given a new identity after he wiped her memory many years ago.

 

Bree is rescued by Addy and, surprisingly, Casper – he is Addy’s brother, undercover at the Department. They reveal that they are also blips, and bring her to the blips’ own town outside of time. There she learns that the techies and their descendants have long-since been at war. Once, the techies and the blips shared residence on Celosia, but ever since a law was passed requiring all blips to undergo genetic enhancement to become techies, those who resisted have been branded traitors and outlaws.

 

When guilt forces Bree to reveal that she had killed a blip, she is shunned by the town’s residents. To make matters even worse, the woman she’d killed had been a vital part of an undercover mission on Celosia, and now another blip is in grave danger.

 

Desperate to make things right, Bree, with Casper’s support, is allowed to join the blips’ rescue force. When her split-second ingenuity proves essential to the success of the mission, she regains some lost trust.

 

Bree’s sense of victory is short-lived, however, as the rescue mission was merely a diversion. To escalate tensions between the blips and the Department, the techies are busy framing the blips for assassinating an officer of the Department – Bree’s aunt Selene.

 

Bree rushes to her former home, but there is no sign of the techies. Instead, they are greeted by the Department, who launch a vicious assault.

 

Confused, and worried for her aunt’s safety, Bree abandons the fight to run to Selene’s aid. Only then does she find out the truth – Selene herself is actually a techie, and has been working with Grayson to repress Bree’s memories.

 

Heartbroken and bewildered, Bree only manages to escape with the help of an officer of the Department. The officer reveals that what was supposed to be a government agency has long-since been infiltrated by the techies, who manipulate the unwitting agents into helping them capture blips.

 

Bree and her friends vow to free the Department from the techies’ control. Free of the web of lies that had entangled her life for so long, Bree is no longer so afraid of her past – and ready to face the future to come.

I was confused at first, but after reaching the end, I can say that I totally understood Bree's story -- and it looked very nice. However, I believe you are in for a series here, right? I would write this last paragraph differently though, because it doesn't give me a sense that the story "is complete" (even though I know it won't be with just this book). I don't know... Maybe this is just me. You can ignore it, but that's just how I feel -- and I'm a newbie too, so you should take everything I say with a grain of salt.

 

Also, perhaps you could take a look at my synopsis too? It would be much appreciated! http://agentquerycon...agical-realism/



#9 Daniel Gesek

Daniel Gesek

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 7 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 09 May 2016 - 08:07 PM

 

From the day eighteen-year-old BRIANNA CROSS sees GRAYSON, a stranger who is oddly familiar, she is plagued by a host of memories that never happened.

 

When her aunt SELENE recruits her to the Chronological Maintenance Department, a government agency from the future, it’s almost a welcome distraction. Their The goal of the department (had to read it twice before i realized it was the Departments goal not Bree and Selene.Unless it is just their goal then ignore.) is to one day destroy Celosia, the city where genetically-enhanced criminals known as techies reside. Built inside a time warp, which means it’s separate from the separating them from the timestream altogether, and surrounded by a tall iron fence, Celosia is nearly impenetrable. So For now, they The Department (You need to convey who THEY are each time you switch perspective. right here it sounds like THEY being the Techies from Celosia are targeting blips.) are targeting blips – the illicit, almost human descendants of the techies who are scattered throughout time. (Re-word this last sentence it falls flat.)

 

Bree is consumed with guilt after killing a blip in a fit of panic, and begins to listen to whispers of conspiracy from fellow agent CASPER. Before she has time to truly question the Department, her best friend is captured by techies. When ADDY, a girl from Bree’s nonsensical memories, turns out to not only be real, but also offers to help her rescue her best friend, Bree decides it could be the only chance she’ll get.

 

(Breaking into the Celosia's prison they or the would be rescuers are quickly overwhelmed as the situation goes from bad to worse as Bree is captured by the techies. Try to keep it present tense.) They are overwhelmed inside Celosia’s prison, however, and Bree is captured by the techies. Grayson, a techie soldier, reveals the frightening truth about Bree: she is actually a blip, who had been given a new identity after he wiped her memory many years ago.

 

Bree is rescued (Again past tense) by Addy and, surprisingly, Casper – he is Addy’s brother, undercover at the Department. (That sentence sounds weird.) (Is Casper from the Department masquerading as a Techie or what?) They reveal that they are also blips, and bring her to the blips’ own town outside of time. There she learns that the techies and their descendants have long-since been at war. Once, the techies and the blips shared residence on Celosia, but ever since a law was passed requiring all blips to undergo genetic enhancement to become techies, those who resisted have been branded traitors and outlaws.

 

When guilt (just guilt? seems a little flat.) forces Bree to reveal that she had killed a blip, she is shunned by the town’s residents. To make matters even worse, the woman she’d killed had been a vital part of an undercover mission on Celosia, and now another blip is in grave danger.

 

Desperate to make things right, Bree, with Casper’s support, is allowed to join the blips’ rescue force. When her split-second ingenuity proves essential to the success of the mission, she regains some lost trust.

 

Bree’s sense of victory is short-lived, however, as the rescue mission was merely a diversion. To escalate tensions between the blips and The Department (I am thinking you would capatalize The unless the characters refer to it as just Department, "Oh no Department is after us." Bree said. "Oh no The Department is after us." Bree said.), the techies are busy framing the blips for assassinating an officer of The Department – Bree’s aunt Selene.

 

Bree rushes to her former home, but there is no sign of the techies. Instead, they are greeted by the Department, who launch a vicious assault.

 

Confused, and worried for her aunt’s safety, Bree abandons the fight to run to Selene’s aid. Only then does she find out the truth – Selene herself is actually a techie, (Thought she was assassinated? Need to explain that is a fake assassination or something unless Selene is really dead.) and has been working with Grayson to repress Bree’s memories.

 

Heartbroken and bewildered, Bree only manages to escape with the help of an officer of The Department. The officer reveals that what was supposed to be a government agency has long-since been infiltrated by the techies, who manipulate the unwitting agents into helping them capture blips.

 

Bree and her friends vow to free the Department from the techies’ control. Free of the web of lies that had entangled her life for so long, Bree is no longer so afraid of her past – and ready to face the future to come.

Not bad, but it needs work. Honestly I am intrigued enough by  the premise of the story to want to read it. So I would say it has done it's job.

I wish you the best of luck with getting published. Also I would love some feedback on my own Synopsis if you would not mind.

 

http://agentquerycon...topian-fantacy/






0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users