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MAX VISION


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#21 bookgirl_kt

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Posted 20 July 2016 - 02:29 PM

Here are my thoughts:

 

Take them. Teach them. Kill them, the evil spirit Dartha whispers in Max's mind. "Teach them" feels like it doesn't quite fit with the other two. This time he might listen.

 

16-year-old Max Jacobs would like to have a nice father, a responsible mother, and a suburban home with a nice green lawn. Instead, he lives in a broken-down trailer park, where mom’s new boyfriends pound him. Having a passive nature, he only He passively hopes that things will become better, but Dartha, the evil spirit whispering in his mind, assures him that the situations will only become worse. They’re not like you. Listen to me, Maxi. Kidnap them. Make them pay. But Max resists Dartha because he detests violenceIt doesn't seem like he needs a reason to resist.

 

Emily is Max’s best friend who lives in the trailer next door. She hears all the quarrels when one of the new boyfriends becomes violent, or when Max shares stories of his cruel algebra teacher who embarrasses him in front of classmates. She sneaks over to Max’s window each night and assures him that things will become better once he graduates high school.

 

But when Max angers one of the jocks by flirting with his girlfriend, it leads to an all-out war on Max. When he is thrown outside of the locker room naked and a video goes viral on Facebook, he decides to accept Dartha, who promises that if he accepts her (you repeat "accepts") and becomes Maxi, the girl he’s always repressed, he will be liberated in his soul and in his external world. But the same power that gives Max the control Control doesn't seem like the right word. It's violence, right? he’s never had, may be the same power that threatens to kill his best friend and rob him of his soul. ​I would spell out the threat to Emily explicitly. You spent several sentences making us like her, so now make the danger real.

 

Hope this helps!

 

My query can be found here.



#22 DaveTheRave

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Posted 21 July 2016 - 02:43 AM

Thanks Guys ! Your feedback was fantastic ! 

 

TITLE: MAX VISION

GENRE: PSYCHOLOGICAL THRILLER

AGE RANGE: YOUNG ADULT 

47,000 WORDS You need to stick all this in a sentenceAs is it looks more like a lab paper than an entreaty to a professional literary relationship.

 

 

 

 

Query

 

Take them. Teach them. Kill them, the evil spirit Dartha whispers in Max's mind. This time he might listen.

 

16sixteen-year-old Max Jacobs would like to have a nice father, a responsible mother, and a suburban home with a nice green lawn don't know if I like this here at all, but, if you're going to keep it, nice (you've used it twice in the same sentence) and responsible are bland adjectives, you need ones with a bit more interst. Instead, he lives in a broken-down trailer park, where mom’s new boyfriends pound him with their fists, i'm hoping, mmm...maybe that's even worse... Having a passive nature, he only hopes that things will become better, This is telling not showing and NOBODY likes a passive protagonist but Dartha, the evil spirit whispering in his mind, assures him that the situations will only become worse bland expression, how about something like 'the beatings will only become more vicious.' They’re not like you. Listen to me, Maxi. Kidnap them. Make them pay. But Max resists Dartha because he detests violence. 'scared of the men and scared of becoming like them.'

 

Emily is Max’s best friend who lives in the trailer next door. She hears all the quarrels when one of the new boyfriends becomes violent, or when Max shares stories of his cruel algebra teacher who embarrasses him in front of classmates this sentence is flawed - the switch between her overhearing screaming from next door and then her listening to Max recount stories is not handled deftly enough. She sneaks over to Max’s window each night and She's the other voice in his life, assuring him each night that things will become better once he graduates high school. But when Max angers one of the jocks by flirting with his girlfriend, it leads to an all-out war on Max by whom? the jocks? the boyfriends? the whole town? algebra instructors everywhere? When he is thrown outside of the locker room naked and a video goes viral on Facebook this is not a sentence. he decides to accept Dartha, who promises that if he accepts her and becomes Maxi, the girl he’s always repressed, he will be liberated in his soul and in his external world Max hears Dartha whisper again. Accept me and become Maxi, the girl you've always repressed inside you. Humiliated, destroyed, he lets her in. However the same power that floods into Max that gives Max the control he’s never had, may be the same power that threatens to kill his best friend and rob him of his soul. 

 

Hey there, this is interesting, a kind of transgender twist on Carrie. Your expression could do with a bit more pep, but other than that you're getting there. I'd also like a bit of subtle foreshadowing of this gender-bending that he has struggling inside - it's actually a really original, interesting twist but came completely out of nowhere a few references to 'confusion' and people thinking him weird or whatever might have been useful to set the stage.

 

Please hit me back on mine ;)


Feedback is always appreciated on:

 

Query: http://agentquerycon...e&module=usercp

 

Opening 250: http://agentquerycon...iller/?p=317580


#23 Preston Copeland.Biz

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Posted 22 July 2016 - 04:54 PM

(I'm aware there's no introductory or concluding paragraph here. It's just the query of the story.)

 

WILL RECIPROCATE! :)

 

TITLE: MAX VISION

GENRE: PSYCHOLOGICAL THRILLER

AGE RANGE: YOUNG ADULT 

 

 

 

Query

 

 

 

Sixteen-year-old Max has it pretty bad as the new kid in town, but he never imagined he’d be dressing up like the girl in his head to kidnap his tormentors.

 

In his town, you can’t just wear black nails or black wigs and be the cool kid. That is an invitation to get your ass beat. So Max goes on repressing Maxi, the girl he secretly desires to become, while Dartha, the evil spirit living in his head tells him that if he kidnaps the bullies, he’ll become the popular kid who can wear whatever the hell he wants. Max is reluctant to cater to Dartha’s temptations, but when the jocks decide to throw him outside of the locker room naked, his mind begins to sway.

 

Emily has become Max’s best friend, since he moved into the trailer next door. She's the other voice in his life, assuring him each night that it will be easier to become the person he really is once he graduates high school. But it’s hard for Max to believe her when his mom is always gone and her new boyfriend has given him another black eye. When things become so terrible at school that Max defecates in his shorts in algebra class, he agrees to listen to Dartha. She convinces him to become Maxi and kidnap the tormentors, that way he will have the all the power that the popular kids possess. But the same power that floods into Max may be the same power that threatens to kill his best friend and rob him of his identity.         


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#24 SLDuncan

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Posted 22 July 2016 - 09:21 PM

I'd request pages based off this. I think you're off to a solid start. The third paragraph feels a little disjointed from the other two, so this would lead me to believe that Emily might be another POV. If she isn't, state the stakes in the opening line of the third and introduce us to Emily as his tether to reality and the plot to unfold. 

 

Good stuff! Well done. 



#25 JuliAberg

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Posted 23 July 2016 - 03:00 AM

Hi thank you so much for your critique on Clipped Wings. While this is not m genre, I'll do my best to help :)

 

(I'm aware there's no introductory or concluding paragraph here. It's just the query of the story.)

 

WILL RECIPROCATE! :)

 

TITLE: MAX VISION

GENRE: PSYCHOLOGICAL THRILLER

AGE RANGE: YOUNG ADULT 

 

 

 

Query

 

 

 

Sixteen-year-old Max has it pretty bad as the new kid in town, but he never imagined he’d be dressing up like the girl in his head ​After having read the entire query I get what you mean by his but first I was confused. Does he think about dressing like a girl or does he. Could you rephrase it? Or clarify it just a little. Other than that great hook! to kidnap his tormentors.

 

In his town, you simply can't  can’t just wear black nails or black wigs and be the cool kid. That is an invitation to get your ass beat. So Max goes on repressing Maxi, ​Okay, here I thought he was just emo. Did not get he wanted to be a girl. I think it's the mention of all the black that throws me off. Maybe just say fake nail and wigs, or maybe mention something that is all girl, like wearing high heels, or red lipstick. (I now men can wear those too but you get my point) the girl he secretly desires to become, while Dartha, the evil spirit living in his head ​whispers sweetly in his head. tells him that If he ​just kidnaps the bullies, he’ll become the popular kid who can wear whatever the hell he wants. Max is reluctant to cater to Dartha’s temptations, but when the jocks decide to throw him outside of the locker room naked, his mind begins to sway.

 

Emily has become Max’s best friend, since he moved into the trailer next door. She's the other voice in his life, assuring him each night that it will be easier to become the person he really is once he graduates high school. But it’s hard for Max to believe her when his mom is always gone and her new boyfriend ​At  first I thought you meant Emily's boyfriend but now I wonder if you meant his mom's boyfriend, clarify. has given him another black eye. When things become so terrible at school that Max defecates in his shorts in algebra class, he agrees to listen to Dartha. She convinces him to become Maxi and kidnap the tormentors, that way he will have the all the power that the popular kids possess. But the same power that floods into Max may be the same power that threatens to kill his best friend ​why would he suddenly want to hurt Emily? This seems a little bit out of the blue. And what power? This reminds me a bit of a criminal minds episode with Jackson Rathbone, he was this shy guy and then he became his alter ego, a woman, and murdered people. But he had a mental disorder and I'm not sure that is the route you're taking? and rob him of his identity.         

 

So, this is quite interesting but as you can see I have some questions. If you try and clarify those I think your query will improve greatly :)

 

Good luck!



#26 Preston Copeland.Biz

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Posted 24 July 2016 - 04:48 PM

(I'm aware there's no introductory or concluding paragraph here. It's just the query of the story.)

 

WILL RECIPROCATE! :)

 

TITLE: MAX VISION

GENRE: PSYCHOLOGICAL THRILLER

AGE RANGE: YOUNG ADULT 

 

Query

 

 

 

Sixteen-year-old Max has it pretty bad as the new kid in town, but he never imagined he’d be dressing up like the girl in his head to kidnap his tormentors.

 

In his town, you can’t just wear black heels or black wigs and be the cool kid. That is an invitation to get your ass beat. So Max goes on repressing Maxi, the girl he secretly desires to become, while Dartha, the evil spirit living in his head whispers that if he kidnaps the bullies, he’ll become the popular kid who can wear whatever the hell he wants. Max is reluctant to cater to Dartha’s temptations, but when the jocks decide to throw him outside of the locker room naked, his mind begins to sway.

 

Emily has become Max’s best friend, since he moved into the trailer next door. She's the other voice in his life, assuring him each night that it will be easier to become the person he really is once he graduates high school. But it’s hard for Max to believe her when his mom is always gone and mom’s new boyfriend has given him another black eye. When things become so terrible at school that Max defecates in his shorts in algebra class, he agrees to listen to Dartha. She convinces him to become Maxi and kidnap the tormentors, that way he can become his true self and have the all the power that the popular kids possess. But the same power that floods into Max may be the same power that threatens to kill his best friend and rob him of his identity.         


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#27 Thrash

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Posted 24 July 2016 - 08:07 PM

 

(I'm aware there's no introductory or concluding paragraph here. It's just the query of the story.)

 

WILL RECIPROCATE! :)

 

TITLE: MAX VISION

GENRE: PSYCHOLOGICAL THRILLER

AGE RANGE: YOUNG ADULT 

 

Query

 

 

 

Sixteen-year-old Max has it pretty bad as the new kid in town, but he never imagined he’d be dressing up like the girl in his head to kidnap his tormentors.

 

In his town, you can’t just wear black heels or black wigs and be the cool kid. That is an invitation to get your ass beat. So Max goes on repressing Maxi, the girl he secretly desires to become, while Dartha, the evil spirit living in his head whispers that if he kidnaps the bullies, he’ll become the popular kid who can wear whatever the hell he wants. Break up this sentence. This part I like better than previous versions--clarifies the gender question. Max is reluctant to cater to Dartha’s temptations, but when the jocks decide to throw him outside of the locker room naked, his mind begins to sway.

 

Emily has become Max’s best friend, since he moved into the trailer next door. She's the other voice in his life, assuring him each night that it will be easier to become the person he really is once he graduates high school. But it’s hard for Max to believe her when his mom is always gone and mom’s new boyfriend has given him another black eye. When things become so terrible at school that Max defecates in his shorts in algebra class, he agrees to listen to Dartha. She convinces him to become Maxi and kidnap the tormentors, that way he can become his true self and have the all the power that the popular kids possess. But the same power Is this a real "power" or one he imagines? that floods into Max may be the same power that threatens to kill his best friend and rob him of his identity.         

 

 

As it is right now, it feels a little redundant. Terrible things happen, Max gets closer to bad choices, worse things happen, Max gets EVEN CLOSER to bad choices. The trouble is I'm not really getting a sense of choice for Max--I'm losing his personality as it is distinct from the female voices in his life, real and imagined. 



#28 DaveTheRave

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Posted 29 July 2016 - 02:23 AM

 

(I'm aware there's no introductory or concluding paragraph here. It's just the query of the story.)

As long as you promise you're not going to send the query looking like a term paper, i'm satisfied ;)

 

 

WILL RECIPROCATE! :)

 

TITLE: MAX VISION

GENRE: PSYCHOLOGICAL THRILLER

AGE RANGE: YOUNG ADULT 

 

Query

 

 

 

Sixteen-year-old Max has it pretty bad as the new kid in town needs snappier expression, but he never imagined bit of a tired phrase he’d be dressing up like the girl in his head this makes sense only because I've read the query before to kidnap his tormentors. The first two issues you might get away with, the last one you won't.

 

In his town, you can’t just wearing black heels or black wigs and be the cool kid. That is an invitation to get your ass beat. So Max goes on repressing Maxi, the girl he secretly desires to become, while Dartha, the evil spirit living in his head whispers that if he kidnaps the bullies and does what with them? puts them where?, he’ll become the popular kid who can wear whatever the hell he wants. Max is reluctant to cater wrong verb to Dartha’s temptations, but when the jocks decide to throw him outside of the locker room naked, his mind begins to sway weak expression here. This whole paragraph lacks voice.

 

Emily has become Max’s best friend, since he moved into the trailer next door. She's the other voice in his life, assuring him each night that it will be easier to become the person he really is once he graduates high school these sentences lack pep. But it’s hard for Max to believe her when his mom is always gone and mom’s new boyfriend has given him another black eye I don't know how that interferes with Emily's claim. When things become so terrible at school that Max defecates in his shorts in algebra class okaaaaaaay...didn't see that one coming..., he agrees weak verb to listen to Dartha. She convinces him to become Maxi and kidnap the tormentors repetitive, we already knew that was the plan, that way he can become his true self repetitive, you've said this three times now and have the all the power that the popular kids possess there an echo in this forum?. But the same power that floods into Max may be the same power that threatens to kill his best friend and rob him of his identity why? how does he know this? This last line deserves its own paragraph once the repetition is tossed out.       

 

 

Hey Preston, thanks for your help on my query

 

On this revision I'm afraid I think you've gone sideways...and maybe a little backwards. Th narrative arc is now very muddled - the query introduces the character, begins gets into some conflict...then you're introducing emily and it's plodding again. The two paragraphs seem related only by the second repeating what we were told in the first. The shitting-his-pants episode is frankly, not something I think you want to put in a query and him being tossed out into the hallway naked has far more credibility as your inciting event.

 

The structure should be the same as your original query. Introduce the character - his trailer park life in his hick home town, his irresponsible mother and her boyfriends beating the shit out of him. The voice in his head. His one friend next door keeping him sane. We have empathy for this guy already. Then move onto the hard time at school and the jocks humiliating him and his breakdown, his newfound power flowing out but then the price it demands which right now you only hint at.

 

I much preferred his gender identity issue coming out as a twist at the inciting event. When I asked for foreshadowing I was hoping for some subtle references to him being 'different', 'confused', 'never comfortable in his skin', not telling us straight up he wants to wear stilettos and sequins and belt out "I will survive".

 

A good query answers four questions:

1) who is your main character?

2) what does he want?

3) what obstacles are there to him achieving this?

4) what happens if he fails

You've answered the first one, but the others you haven't effectively locked onto.

 

Like I said, the gender devilish inner voice and the gender twist is really fresh, and could be your killer ap to get an agent's attention, but you've got to take it somewhere, right now the query is just sitting there shitting its pants...


Feedback is always appreciated on:

 

Query: http://agentquerycon...e&module=usercp

 

Opening 250: http://agentquerycon...iller/?p=317580


#29 Preston Copeland.Biz

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Posted 17 August 2016 - 12:23 PM

Max Vision

Young Adult

Psychological Thriller

 

 

THIS IS ONLY THE QUERY LETTER. I WILL RECIPROCATE. THANKS.

 

Query


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#30 Preston Copeland.Biz

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Posted 21 August 2016 - 06:11 PM

Max Vision

Young Adult

Psychological Thriller

WILL RECIPROCATE: THANKS! :)

 

Query

 

 

On the first day of tenth grade, Max’s bowel problems along with the math teacher’s taunting lead to an embarrassing incident, and sixteen-year-old Max Jacobs becomes known as “Hershey Shit.”

 

Emily, who lives in the trailer next door, takes Max to a nearby creek to console him, but instead, they venture into an abandoned house where Max steals a dress that will change his life.

 

As the second day of school grinds on, so too does the new dark voice in Max’s head, whispering for him to kidnap his oppressors. The only question is—will he?

 

While Max struggles to find out who he really is, the bullies counterattack again—this time leaving Max naked in a school hallway where students record him.

 

By the third day, Max’s Facebook video is worldwide, and Emily doesn’t know what to say, but by the third night, Max knows exactly what to do.

 

He dons the stolen dress, only then realizing that it belongs to the owner of the abandoned house—the same woman who’s been whispering in his mind.

 

Embracing his new alter ego, Maxi sets off to make those who wronged him pay. All of them. But the very choice that now empowers him, threatens to steal his soul and destroy the only thing he’s ever wanted: An identity of his own.   


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#31 Tomg999

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Posted 22 August 2016 - 11:17 AM

 

Max Vision

Young Adult

Psychological Thriller

WILL RECIPROCATE: THANKS! :)

 

Query

 

 

On the first day of tenth grade, Max’s bowel problems along with the math teacher’s taunting lead to an embarrassing incident, and sixteen-year-old Max Jacobs becomes known as “Hershey Shit.” Sorry, defecation content makes me want to read LESS. I know agents want a specific incident, but show your skill at implying the disturbing details.

 

Emily, who lives in the trailer next door, takes Max to a nearby creek to console him, but instead, they venture into an abandoned house where Max steals a dress on a whim, maybe  that will change his life. See below. Put it later. Stealing the dress could be the subtle hint about the subtext 

 

As the second day of school grinds on, so too does the new dark voice in Max’s head, whispering for him to kidnap his oppressors. The only question is—will he? This needs to be 2nd, if not first.

 

While Max struggles to find out who he really is, the bullies counterattack again—this time leaving Max naked in a school hallway where students record him.

 

By the third day, Max’s Facebook video is worldwide, and Emily doesn’t know what to say - vague; put this in Max's perspective - Emily is no help maybe., but by the third night, Max knows exactly what to do.

 

He dons the stolen dress, only then realizing that it belongs to the owner of the abandoned house—the same woman who’s been whispering in his mind.Not clear is this a supernatural thing or psychological? You need to know and be clear.

 

Embracing his new alter ego, Maxi sets off to make those who wronged him pay. All of them. But the very choice that now empowers him, threatens to steal his soul and destroy the only thing he’s ever wanted: An identity of his own. This is good. Gets to the crux.  

 

I liked the earlier approach and slant much better. The theme of a bullied kid with a female voice in his head whispering to kill is much more intriguing and fresh than having the gender identity issues being up front and the "voice in the head" popping up in the third line. It's the most interesting part - it is central to who the main char is IMO. The friend, the stolen dress, and the HINT / IMPLICATION  that Max may have some gender ID or cross -dressing yearnings should be peppered in. 

Also I am confused as to whether Max has a psychological disorder, or if the voice is some supernatural occurance (the woman in the abandoned house). A writer makes an implied promise to the reader about what kind of book they are picking up. You can not break the promise. While there are books in which it is a mystery whether the book is reality based or paranormal, and at the end it is revealed (They are ghosts! He's dead and doesn't know it!) in those cases you need to set it up so that we know we are supposed to wonder & we will be told eventually.



#32 brandonmthompson_

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Posted 22 August 2016 - 02:36 PM

 

Book Title – Dartha’s Temptations 

Genre – Psychological Thriller

Age Range – Young Adult

 

 

I will happily reciprocate. Thanks. :)

 

Query

 

Take them. Teach them. Kill them, Dartha whispers in Max's mind. And this time he might listen.  (I've read to not include quotes or phrases from within your novel so I would avoid this.)

Max's life as a 16-year-old schizophrenic is not easy, and having your best friend jealous of the woman speaking in your head because she is secretly in love with you may be even worse. Emily knocks on Max’s trailer park window each night in hopes that he will learn to see her in a romantic way. But one knock might be his  her (Emily is knocking right?) last when Max tells her they are better as friends.

 

 

Meanwhile, Dartha -- the voice in his head-- wants Max to stop taking meds and kidnap his Algebra teacher. All Max wants is for the bullies to leave him alone at school and home (This part is confusing. Who is bullying him at home? I think you may want to say and the abuse at home to stop.) , so that Dartha will lose her influence on him and he can be a somewhat normal kid again. But when he’s kicked out of a support group and his Algebra teacher humiliates him in front of the tenth grade class, Max begins to ponder Dartha’s temptations.

 

 

Thrown into a jealous rage, Emily threatens to end their friendship because Dartha is always on Max's mind. Reminding her that he’s a schizophrenic, Max begins to wonder which girl is crazier—the girl living in his mind or his next door neighbor.

 

After a bully throws him out of the locker room naked and the video goes viral on Facebook, Max embraces Dartha’s calling and becomes Maxi. Paranoid and losing his identity (or finding it) he puts on his mom’s black dress to kidnap his tormenter. But when Emily discovers that Max has become the woman she’s always hated ( I thought she hated Dartha? This is a little confusing.) , a bully might be the last thing Maxi should fear. 

 

 

POSSIBLE BOOK TITLES - MAX VISION   or     DARTHA'S TEMPTATIONS

 

 

This is a very interesting premise! It caught my attention and I would definitely read it. I would suggest rereading your query to see what works best.

 

 

I hope my comments help!

 

If you get a chance please read my query for Eden Ever After.



#33 MikeMc

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Posted 22 August 2016 - 02:48 PM

I think the letter at the bottom is great.  Only the very end is confusing.  Does it mean that Max has become Dartha?



#34 Preston Copeland.Biz

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Posted 24 August 2016 - 03:44 PM

Title- MAX VISION

 

YOUNG ADULT

 

 

I WILL RECIPROCATE. THANKS

 

 

Dear Agent, 

 

It all started with a dress that could whisper into Max’s mind that led to the kidnappings.

 

Max never knew it was the dress that he stole a week ago. Or the abandoned house where he stole it from. Or the dead lady who owned the house and wouldn’t leave his teenage mind by the first day of tenth grade.

 

But now she's here, stronger, more prominent, the more deadly temptations fill his youthful mind.

 

Each day in the school hallways, the kids laugh at Max, spit at Max, and kick him. He’s not a nerd, a goof, or even a fuck up; he’s just a nobody. A kid that lives in the trailer park, with his mom’s abusive boyfriend. Mom’s always at work, his friends are few, except the girl who lives in the trailer next door, Emily.

 

She whispers in Max’s mind too, but it’s from the outside, in the real world, and her words are kind, something unlike the dead woman who owns the abandoned house—she wants him to kidnap the bullies, all of them—one by one, and bring them to her house and make them suffer.

 

Max begs her to leave, but she’s burrowed in the cell of his mind. When the torment from bullies becomes so terrible, Max decides to wear the dress, only once, that’s all, and then she’s promised to leave, she must. Only now she’s him, in the form of the repressed girl, he’s always desired to be—Maxi, and they will all be captured. But the very dress that now empowers him, threatens to steal his soul and destroy the only thing he’s ever wanted: An identity of his own.   


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#35 Nonicks

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Posted 24 August 2016 - 03:59 PM

Title- MAX VISION

 

YOUNG ADULT

 

 

I WILL RECIPROCATE. THANKS

 

 

Dear Agent, 

 

It all started with a dress that could whisper into Max’s mind that led to the kidnappings.

 

Max never knew it was the dress that he stole a week ago. Or the abandoned house where he stole it from. Or the dead lady who owned the house and wouldn’t leave his teenage mind by the first day of tenth grade.

 

But now she's here, stronger, more prominent, the more deadly temptations fill his youthful mind.

 

Each day in the school hallways, the kids laugh at Max, spit at Max, and kick him. He’s not a nerd, a goof, or even a fuck up; he’s just a nobody. A kid that lives in the trailer park, with his mom’s abusive boyfriend. Mom’s always at work, his friends are few, except the girl who lives in the trailer next door, Emily.

 

She whispers in Max’s mind too, but it’s from the outside, in the real world, and her words are kind, something unlike the dead woman who owns the abandoned house—she wants him to kidnap the bullies, all of them—one by one, and bring them to her house and make them suffer.

 

Max begs her to leave, but she’s burrowed in the cell of his mind. When the torment from bullies becomes so terrible, Max decides to wear the dress, only once, that’s all, and then she’s promised to leave, she must. Only now she’s him, in the form of the repressed girl, he’s always desired to be—Maxi, and they will all be captured. But the very dress that now empowers him, threatens to steal his soul and destroy the only thing he’s ever wanted: An identity of his own.   

 

I like the hook. Even though the second and third paragraphs have everything to be interesting, I wasn't hooked. It was only when I read the fourth paragraph I was totally into this story. I think it's because the first paragraphs don't really tell me anything, they don't tell me about your MC - I have nobody to identify with. As soon as I read who Max was, I immediately began to like him (that's great!).
Overall it sounds great. I hope I was able to help. 

 

If you have time, please take a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...niel-ya-sci-fi/



#36 phenomenonsense

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Posted 24 August 2016 - 09:33 PM

Title- MAX VISION

 

YOUNG ADULT

 

 

I WILL RECIPROCATE. THANKS

 

 

Dear Agent, 

 

It all started with a dress that could whisper into Max’s mind that led to the kidnappings. I feel like this is trying to convey a lot of information for the reader that is likely an oversimplification of something that is easier to understand while reading. I have been given lots of help with simplifying and maybe that's why I mention it, but maybe the dress isn't that important? Like could you write it about your MC and her visions, how they make her feel, instead of the dress that induces it?

 

Max never knew it was the dress that he stole a week ago. Or the abandoned house where he stole it from. Or the dead lady who owned the house and wouldn’t leave his teenage mind by the first day of tenth grade. I feel like you meant "never knew if it was"

 

But now she's here, stronger, more prominent, the more deadly temptations fill his youthful mind.

 

Each day in the school hallways, the kids laugh at Max, spit at Max, and kick him. He’s not a nerd, a goof, or even a fuck up; he’s just a nobody. A kid that lives in the trailer park, with his mom’s abusive boyfriend. Mom’s always at work, his friends are few, except the girl who lives in the trailer next door, Emily.

 

She whispers in Max’s mind too, but it’s from the outside, in the real world, and her words are kind, something unlike the dead woman who owns the abandoned house—she wants him to kidnap the bullies, all of them—one by one, and bring them to her house and make them suffer. Grammatically weird sentence. try rewriting.

 

Max begs her to leave, but she’s burrowed in the cell of his mind. I feel like i knew this before I read it, so I don't think it adds anything here to say ti again. When the torment from bullies becomes so terrible, Max decides to wear the dress, only once, that’s all, and then she’s promised to leave, she must. Only now she’s him, in the form of the repressed girl, he’s always desired to be—Maxi, and they will all be captured. But the very dress that now empowers him, threatens to steal his soul and destroy the only thing he’s ever wanted: An identity of his own.   

The grammar concerns me a bit, I must say. It has to be perfect when you send it to agents.


Currently need help with:

 

Query:

http://agentquerycon...pra-na-fiction/

 

250 Words:
http://agentquerycon...ic/35773-supra/

 


#37 Preston Copeland.Biz

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Posted 25 August 2016 - 10:33 AM

Young Adult 

Max Vision

 

Will Reciprocate

 

Version 1

 

It all started with a dress that could whisper into Max’s mind that led to the kidnappings.

 

Max never knew it was the dress that he stole a week ago. Or the abandoned house where he stole it from. Or the dead lady who owned the house and wouldn’t leave his teenage mind by the first day of tenth grade.

 

But now she's here.

 

Each day in the school hallways, the kids laugh at Max, spit at Max, and kick him. He’s not a nerd, a goof, or even a fuck up; he’s just a nobody. A kid that lives in the trailer park, with his mom’s abusive boyfriend. Mom’s always at work, his friends are few, except the girl in the trailer next door, Emily.

 

She whispers in Max’s mind too, but it’s from the outside, in the real world, and her words are kind, something unlike the dead woman who owns the abandoned house—she wants him to kidnap the bullies, all of them—one by one, and bring them to her house and make them suffer.

 

Max begs her to leave, but when the torment from the bullies becomes so terrible, Max decides to wear the dress, only once, that’s all, and then she’s promised to leave, she must. Only now she’s him, in the form of the repressed girl, he’s always desired to be—Maxi, and they will all be captured. But the very dress that now empowers him, threatens to steal his soul and destroy the only thing he’s ever wanted: An identity of his own.  


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#38 phenomenonsense

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Posted 25 August 2016 - 11:32 PM

 

Young Adult 

Max Vision

 

Will Reciprocate

 

Version 1

 

It all started with a dress that could whisper into Max’s mind that led to the kidnappings. You say 'that' twice which makes it read clunky to me.

 

Max never knew it was the dress that he stole a week ago. Or the abandoned house where he stole it from. Or the dead lady who owned the house and wouldn’t leave his teenage mind by the first day of tenth grade. I still don't understand the first sentence. He never knew it was the dress he stole a week ago. Do you mean the kidnappings?  So he never knew it was the dress, never knew it was the house, and never knew it was the dead lady that did the kidnappings. If that's the case I would reword everything as I feel like it is all being said to set up some prose and give a lot of information in a short amount of time. It seems to me that the dress and the lady that inhabited it were the important parts, and the house is irrelevant. Maybe that would help.

 

But now she's here. Not a fan of starting sentences with conjunctions, and you have 3 in a row.

 

Each day in the school hallways, the kids laugh at Max, spit at Max, and kick him. He’s not a nerd, a goof, or even a fuck up; he’s just a nobody. A kid that lives in the trailer park, with his mom’s abusive boyfriend. Mom’s always at work, his friends are few, except the girl in the trailer next door, Emily.

 

She whispers in Max’s mind too, but it’s from the outside, in the real world, and her words are kind, something unlike the dead woman who owns the abandoned house—she wants him to kidnap the bullies, all of them—one by one, and bring them to her house and make them suffer. Highly suggest looking at this again like I said last time. Confusing, long. Maybe try rewriting this part from Max's perspective and t hen changing it into third person?

 

Max begs her to leave, but when the torment from the bullies becomes so terrible, Max decides to wear the dress, only once, that’s all, and then she’s promised to leave, she must. Only now she’s him, in the form of the repressed girl, he’s always desired to be—Maxi, and they will all be captured. But the very dress that now empowers him, threatens to steal his soul and destroy the only thing he’s ever wanted: An identity of his own.  Try to use something other than commas here?  Maybe go something like "When the torment becomes too torturous to handle, Max decides to give in to the terrifying power of the dress. Only once, and then she will leave forever. She has to."

 

 

Let me know what you think of my query in my signature!


Currently need help with:

 

Query:

http://agentquerycon...pra-na-fiction/

 

250 Words:
http://agentquerycon...ic/35773-supra/

 


#39 Preston Copeland.Biz

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Posted 26 August 2016 - 10:22 AM

Title: Max Vision

 

Young Adult

 

Query

 

It all started with a dress that could whisper into Max’s mind, which led to the kidnappings.

 

He only wanted to try on the dress, never steal it. But the abandoned house had many attractive makeup kits and the same mysterious woman in each portrait. He never knew her voice wouldn’t leave his teenage mind by the first day of tenth grade.

 

Each day in the school hallways, the kids laugh at Max, spit at Max, and kick him. He’s not a nerd, a goof, or even a fuck up; he’s just a nobody: A kid that lives in the trailer park with his mom’s abusive boyfriend. Mom’s always at work, his friends are few, except the girl in the trailer next door, Emily.

 

She whispers in Max’s mind too, but it’s from the outside, in the real world and her words are kind, something unlike the woman in the portrait. When a bully throws Max into the school hallway naked, he decides to wear the dress, only once, that’s all. Then she’s promised to leave, she must. Only now she’s him, in the form of the repressed girl he’s always desired to be—Maxi. But the very dress that now empowers him to take revenge, also threatens to steal his soul and destroy the only thing he’s ever wanted: An identity of his own.   


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#40 phenomenonsense

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Posted 28 August 2016 - 07:29 PM

 

Title: Max Vision

 

Young Adult

 

Query

 

It all started with a dress that could whisper into Max’s mind, which led to the kidnappings. This feels forced. It hasn't changed in the queries I have read, at least not enough. I still don't think this is very "hooking."

 

He only wanted to try on the dress, never steal it. But Why is this But? There is a missing connection. the abandoned house had many attractive makeup kits and the same mysterious woman in each portrait. This sentence doesn't follow and doesn't make sense. I get what you're trying to go for but it isn't done clearly. Try adding in how enticing the make-up was, and how he felt putting the dress on. That's your hook really. He never knew her voice wouldn’t leave his teenage mind by the first day of tenth grade.

 

Each day in the school hallways, the kids laugh at Max, spit at Max, and kick him. He’s not a nerd, a goof, or even a fuck up; he’s just a nobody: A kid that lives in the trailer park with his mom’s abusive boyfriend. Mom’s always at work, his friends are few, except the girl in the trailer next door, Emily. This feels like an uncompleted sentence, like there should be a third clause for Max himself.

 

She whispers in Max’s mind tooI still have no idea  what this means, whispers in his mind. I get grandma killian can  do it because she's dead or whatever, but this equates something I dont' think is equal., but it’s from the outside, in the real world and her words are kind, something unlike the woman in the portrait. When a bully throws Max into the school hallway naked, he decides to wear the dress, only once, that’s all. Then she’s promised to leave, she must. Only now she’s him, in the form of the repressed girl he’s always desired to be—Maxi. But the very dress that now empowers him to take revenge, also threatens to steal his soul and destroy the only thing he’s ever wanted: An identity of his own.   This part is better.

 


Currently need help with:

 

Query:

http://agentquerycon...pra-na-fiction/

 

250 Words:
http://agentquerycon...ic/35773-supra/

 





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