Here are my thoughts:
Take them. Teach them. Kill them, the evil spirit Dartha whispers in Max's mind. "Teach them" feels like it doesn't quite fit with the other two. This time he might listen.
16-year-old Max Jacobs would like to have a nice father, a responsible mother, and a suburban home with a nice green lawn. Instead, he lives in a broken-down trailer park, where mom’s new boyfriends pound him.
Having a passive nature, he only He passively hopes that things will become better, but Dartha, the evil spirit whispering in his mind, assures him that the situations will only become worse. They’re not like you. Listen to me, Maxi. Kidnap them. Make them pay. But Max resists Dartha because he detests violence. It doesn't seem like he needs a reason to resist.
Emily is Max’s best friend who lives in the trailer next door. She hears all the quarrels when one of the new boyfriends becomes violent, or when Max shares stories of his cruel algebra teacher who embarrasses him in front of classmates. She sneaks over to Max’s window each night and assures him that things will become better once he graduates high school.
But when Max angers one of the jocks by flirting with his girlfriend, it leads to an all-out war on Max. When he is thrown outside of the locker room naked and a video goes viral on Facebook, he decides to accept Dartha, who promises that if he accepts her (you repeat "accepts") and becomes Maxi, the girl he’s always repressed, he will be liberated in his soul and in his external world. But the same power that gives Max the control Control doesn't seem like the right word. It's violence, right? he’s never had, may be the same power that threatens to kill his best friend and rob him of his soul. I would spell out the threat to Emily explicitly. You spent several sentences making us like her, so now make the danger real.
Hope this helps!
My query can be found here.