Per your request, here are my comments (in green) below. I hope you find them helpful in some way.
Beloveds, I am back. Sent out six queries. All passes. Thank goodness. Turns out the book needed at least one more revision. Maybe two. In the meanwhile, I have decided that query by number will not work. So I have rewritten! Huzzah! Hoping for more voice and more appeal thereby. Please have a gander and give a goose. Thanks.
Mindfulness looks a lot like wizardry to the untrained.(Interesting start - I'm curious where this goes.)
We’re talking mindfulness on the scale of the Order of Eye and Cloud or, in other words, the trained. Them that, on account of their super-sensate witchety ways, got credit for keeping the world at peace for centuries, going back even before Magnetics was discovered, before mag-lines could take you from one capital to the next. Before Foundation itself. (Consider cutting this - it gets a little wordy and doesn't tell me anything about your book - at least I don't feel like it does. It feels like a more generalized rambling about magic, but that is just IMO.)
But then the Fate’s-damned Eye Cyril Kol came along and ruined everything out of some misbegotten obligation to honor and integrity. Thanks to him, the Order imploded and took the whole damn shit show with it. Civilization tanked. (okay, I kind of see now that this Order of the Eye thing above was supposed to be in relation to this story, but I didn't follow it up there and I still don't follow it down here. Sorry.)
Just goes to show, Eyes can’t see the future like some say they can. Otherwise - if you knew the cost -
why point fingers? (Avoid rhetorical questions) At any rate, he made his choice and thousands died, including Kol’s own family.
Or so he thought. (So was that all backstory to this actual story?)
Turns out, a decade on, they’re alive in hiding. By The-Fate’s-only-know-what devices, they managed a message to him. Come find us! (So his family sent a message?)
So now Kol has to pick his way through a world he has thoroughly fucked (How did he do this?) in search of the only hope left him. No less guilty for the hope. And not often sober for the guilt. (These last two sentences have me scratching my head a little.)
Problem is, wretchedness messes with Kol’s mindsight. In spite of that, Kol rescues a runaway by the name of Veepa from a couple of highwaymen, and determines he can’t just abandon her to a savage world. So, even in his debilitation, he takes her on as a student, incurring the ire of the vice lord she’s running from. Meanwhile, news of Kol’s return has reached a fanatical warlord determined to revenge The Collapse on the man who caused it. (I think you have too much going on here - I'm not sure what this book is about exactly.)
The good news is, helping the girl helps Kol. But as he begins to re-master the mindfulness of Eye and Cloud it becomes all too clear that the path to his wife and child (I didn't realize this is who he was looking for. Consider being specific above when you say family that this is what you mean.) leads through the enemies of his past and a confrontation that will endanger, not only himself, but also the devoted student he has come to hold dear. (I'm not 100% sure I understand the stakes here.)
Complete at 123,000 words, Of Eye And Cloud is a low-fi (I'm not familiar with this term) epic fantasy with lit fic (Pick one genre - where would this book sit on the shelf at B&N - Literary fiction? Fantasy?) airs concerning the power of mindfulness and the travails of a man wrestling with the consequences of integrity.
Wow, this does sound like an epic story, but I think you are giving us too much, and also expecting us to understand this world you've built without any real context. I don't understand what the Order of the Eye and Cloud is. Is it some magical power? A council that rules over this world? Don't worry about giving us voice yet, we first need to understand your story.
So taking what you gave us above, I've cut this down (a lot) in hopes to show you how to possibly simplify. I'm sure you would be able to do a much better job than I have here. Remember we don't need everything just:
Who is the MC
What do they want - Goals
What stands in their way - obstacles
What happens if they fail - stakes (And these stakes have to be compelling - endangering himself isn't a stake for a character - all characters endanger themselves in some way - how specifically will failing affect Kol? Will he die? Will his wife and child be sacrificed?)
Mindfulness looks a lot like wizardry to the untrained.
Cyril Kol didn’t mean to destroy the world when he used the Order of the Eye and Cloud, a special magical power bestowed upon him. And he certainly didn’t want his wife and child to perish with most of the civilization. More than anything Kol wishes he could fix things. Erase what he did.
When Kol receives message that they may still be alive, he goes out in search for them, facing OBSTACLE, OBSTACLE and OBSACLE.
But when the council finds out about Kol’s plan they will do everything they can to stop him. He has already caused the world enough destruction, now it is time for his own demise.
Kol will have to DOSOMETHINGANDBESPECIFC if he wants to BESPECIFIC.
Obviously there is a lot missing here, (and I have probably gotten a lot of things wrong) but it should at least get you started in the right direction. And will also show you what I was able to deduce from this letter - is it what you had intended?
Writing queries are hard, especially when you have such a complex world as it sounds like you do. Keep working at it and I'm sure it will click.
Best of luck to you.
I went back to look at your first query to help me get a better frame of reference and I think this might work as a nice hook sentence to start your query with:
History remembers Cyril Kol as the villain that brought the world down.
It has punch and immediately makes you interested in what this character did. Consider using it over the one you have currently.