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i can't write this query/synopsis better no matter how hard I try.


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#1 humbleservant

humbleservant

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Posted 24 June 2016 - 07:30 PM

Okay...so first things first. I was in hospital for months with nothing but my laptop. I was pumped with drugs every day that actually made me high and dilerious. So i wrote this story when i was out of my usual mind. But now I'm sane again...out of hospital and left with a story I know is incredible, but it's as though somebody else wrote it. I don't know how to write the synopsis/query...so i wrote this and it's getting bad reviews...any suggestions?
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QUERY

Ripia LTD
to lorin
9 days agoDetails

Dear Lorin Reeves, My name is Victoria Ripia. I am a new writer and an experienced artist and I am twenty-one years old. The type of literature I am interested in varies widely from military to romantic comedy. I have read about your achievements and the types of fictional books that you have succeeded and feel that this book would compliment your literary style.

The Manual Script is Titled ‘SOS’ It is the first book of a trilogy
Y/A: Thriller, Mystery, Psychological, Historical fiction, Time & Dimension travel, Humor, Romance, Drama, healing powers,
Total Word count of Final Manual script 180,000 words



Synopsis:

Sayrah (17) and Kayoro (22) have both landed themselves into an illegal assassination academy. An academy that claims to be a disciplinary board school for rebellious students. Kayoro has trained there for four years, and Sayrah is a transfer student.

After first arriving, It is not long before Sayrah discovers the wicked lies and secrets of this academy. Not only is every student but Kayoro under the influence to "serve sir Hans" but her bedroom "789" and Kayoro's bedroom "789" both hold the automatic power to transfer them to another world that replicates world's most terrifying time. World war II. It automatically transfers them from their bedrooms to that world on a day to day basis.

Terrified, Sayrah wants to shift to another room that will not transfer her to the other world, but Kayoro convinces her she has no choice. He does not want her to give the room up.
Besides the rooms, he plans to expose the illegal academy and wants to use Sayrah as his undercover partner. Though they make a useless team and their quest to expose the academy fails on several attempts.
As time passes, Sayrah and Kayoro's lives evolve together with other friends in the academy and through learning more:Sayrah's heart is opened. Throughout the story, she and others learn of what it takes to be a true fighter. Discipline. Torture. Failure. and Pride.
One night she dreams that the city in the other world (Replicated world of 1939) is bombed by the Nazi's. She wakes up and tells Kayoro. Out of fear for the lives of the people in the other world, Kayoro believes her dream is futuristic. So together they leave to the other world. They decide to not come back to this academy for a long time. While being at the academy:Sayrah had trained there, made friends and brutal enemies and fulfilled missions for six months. Kayoro had fulfilled mission's and trained for four years. But they do not regret leaving the academy for this world.
Together they save the people and Sayrah's prophetic dream is proven true.
However, When it seems they have only just begun their lives in the other world, Kayoro suddenly decides that he wants to depart with Sayrah, and leave her in the hands of his other friends. Feeling betrayed she accepts his decision and leaves with his other friends to Paris.
In Paris, they are caught by Nazi's and almost killed. Lies are revealed, traitors are discovered, villains are unmasked and all are left heartbroken. All except one. A friend nobody would have suspected held mysterious powers. Her name is Casey, and her mysterious powers are what enables the friends to eventually escape the traps of Paris and return to their original land. Once they have returned, Casey demands them to fulfill a mission on her behalf.
This mission requires them to teleport to another dimension that is generations above them, and is futuristic in styles and technology. She teleports them to this other dimension, here they attempt the mission and fail. However they befriend the villains before they leave and they discover what seems incredible to them before they return back to the (1939) world.
In this world, a war takes place and all the main characters except Sayrah take place in it. Once the war is over, Kayoro is finally able to return to the academy and once he does, he exposes the academy. He thinks exposing the illegal assassins academy will put an end to it, but it doesn't. It only causes war between the academy and the government.
There is a twist at the end of the story. The female heroine (Sayrah) has a futuristic vision that all her friends die at the hands of powerful agents from another world. So she sacrifices her life in order to grant them "Life shields." A life shield is a powerful force that temporarily lives within a human-being therefore enabling them to be invincible.
Once she is dead, she is erased from all memory, and the story ends, only before they have also discovered there are powerful agents from another world, who will hunt them down. Then, the story abruptly ends only for the next story to begin. The next story is written from a more male perspective. Since Sayrah is dead.

FIRST 3-4 CHAPTERS OF MANUAL SCRIPT. THE CHAPTERS ARE ALSO ATTACHED IN PDF FORMAT IF YOU PREFER THAT.

Chapter 1

Sayrah sat up wide awake in her bed. “Ow!” she gasped as she clutched her newly bruised arm. It was midnight. Sayrah was a 16-year-old German girl and the oldest of the girls in this enormous House. The Silver Stream Orphanage. Her parents had died a month after she was born. Yes. Sayrah was an Orphan.
The caretakers were fighting with each other, and all the orphans could hear it. “Night after night” she whispered as she listened in. “When will they shut up.” These orphanage caretakers were more like party-goers than guardians. “Losers” she whispered before falling drowsy.

Flashes kept coming into her head. Flashes of her driving some car, at school….and then after that it was too blurry. She was trying to figure out what those flashes meant. The visions had been bothering her for a while now, but she didn't understand them, she then fell asleep.
The next morning Sayrah woke up with the same flashes instantly in her head. Something car-crash related. "I was in the hospital a few weeks ago, hmm, but why? Do I have some type of amnesia?" she asked herself lazily. Sayrah’s stomach hunger led her to the kitchen. She rolled her eyes at the marijuana all over the kitchen bench. There was a note on the fridge, it read:
Sayrah, I'm out until midnight, for some business.

Can you take the kids to school on time today? And if I don't turn up by late 10 pm, then can you pick me up? You'll know where to find me, cheers, Maria

"What?” She had a slight feeling where Maria the caretaker was. At the pub like that whore always was. Just because Sayrah now had a legal driver's license all of a sudden she had to run all of the tasks of the house? “Are they kidding me?” she muttered "Drive the kids to school? What the hell.."

That morning she geared up the big van of kids, and dropped them off at intermediate School, whilst the others went to school on their own. She drove herself and Tim to High school. He was the other teenage boy from her orphanage. He was African American, and always harassed Sayrah to teach him how to drive. "I'll see you after school," he said quickly as they parted ways.
She didn’t reply and marched down the hallway to find her first-period class.

Health-science. She saw that door, that she could easily avoid, and was about to just walk past until the door was suddenly pulled open for her. A teacher stood there looking as though he had been waiting for her. She stepped into the classroom curiously. Why were all the students staring at her from their desks? Why was everyone eyes fixated on her? And why the hell did she care?

The teacher faced her first, then said: “Yesterday, a news report was aired of you driving a vehicle, driving it right into the school's car park and damaging several vehicles, one also that had a sleeping child in it, care to explain Miss Bennett?”
Sayrah itched her head. She honestly didn’t remember doing anything like that at all. This insulting teacher, did he have to say this in front of the entire classroom the second she stepped through the door? She thought intensely. Maybe, she must have been drugged or affected by something that came from the caretakers at the orphanage when she'd done that. She desperately tried to remember, itching her head in frustration, then the flashbacks came back to her. They finally came back to her and she’d been desperate to remember them for days
“Oh no,” she whispered. She had done that.

That teacher brought out the television and played the news recording to her. Sayrah found herself uttering in humiliation as boys jumped while pointing at the screen then back at Sayrah. It had happened a week ago. It was the day after the night that some of the caretakers had forced her to take drugs. But by the end of that particular day, she’d been taken to the hospital, and pumped with so many remedies, the incident had simply vanished from her memory….

*Flashback
“Sayrah! Where are you!” screamed the caretaker. The caretaker was loud, and crying, and Sayrah wasn’t sure what was going on. She looked at her watch, to see that it was one am in the morning. Then she quickly got up, and ran to the large sitting room, to see her two caretakers seated at the table. Enjoying something that they seemed to be snorting through their noses. Powdery. It was either cocaine or powdered heroin.
“Sayrah! You have to try this!” they laughed in her direction.
Sayrah yawned, and tried to slowly escape the room. She had school tomorrow, and she couldn’t be bothered dealing with this.“You little rascal, I didn’t say you could walk away, I said you have to try this!” laughed the lady. The caretaker beside her was another woman, who was turning more cross-eyed by the second.
Sayrah got through the door, but her arms were grabbed from behind her and pulled back through the door.“Get off of me” she whispered. But the two woman didn’t listen. She tried to force them off of her, but they pulled her fiercely and dragged her towards the table
“We said to try it, and you’re not going to bed until you do!” they demanded.
Sayrah restrained herself from it, she couldn’t take this. She was sweating as her face was being forced downwards onto the power covered table. “Stop it!” she cried aloud. “I can’t take those drugs! Stop it! Somebody call the police!” she screamed as her face was being forced downwards onto the table. Then, everything was a blur. She was in a dream, and she didn’t know what was really happening. But she did know one thing. She felt like the queen of the world right now.
The next day, loud imaginary music was ringing in her ears “You can ring ma bell~ ring ma bell!”. Sayrah sang aloud, completely unaware that she was singing at all.
Then hours passed, and She was at school. She was walking through the car park, her heart starting to race, and her eyes starting to tear up. She felt completely scared now. She felt as though everybody was looking at her. “Stop looking at me! Stop looking at me!” she kept muttering at every person who passed her. Then she started to have terrifying visions. She wondered around the car park in fear until the ending school bell finally rung. Then, that’s when her mind started to play tricks on her.
It was telling her that somebody was in danger. Somebody very important to her. Then, she hallucinated. She hallucinated and it seemed too real. It was Tim she saw. He grabbed her shoulder, whilst she was having a panic attack and standing with her hands covering her face. Shaking as she stood in the car park.
“Get back home immediately!” he yelled at her. “Get back to the orphanage quickly, there isn’t any time!”
Sayrah nodded her bloodshot eyes at the hallucination, but she didn’t have a way to get back to the orphanage immediately. She then ran through the crowds of students and found the first vehicle with an open door. “I need to get back home, I need to get back home!!”
She burned her hands, hot wiring the car, and getting it started, then she geared up the engine on full-bull and reversed it at top speed. There were suddenly screams and shouts. Then, there was a crash. Her legs bled, from under her skirt, as she tried to keep her blurry vision straight, then she got straight out of the car and ran her fastest through the crowds of alarmed people, who were now starting to attempt to restrain her.
“Move it!” She yelled as she ran faster and faster. That’s when she started to slow down and feel weaker and weaker along the side of the road. Then, after that, she could only remember waking up in the hospital, and feeling as though she had no idea why she was there in the first place.
*Flashback

Sayrah was standing frozen. Still in an apparent daydream.
"Miss Bennett!" demanded the teacher.
“I must’ve been so drugged up, I hallucinated,” she muttered as she stared upwards. The teacher snapped her out of her daydream.
“These are the types of things that are expected from a low-standard student, such as yourself Sayrah Bennett!” snapped the teacher.
“Today, you will not be attending classes, instead, you will be sent to a meeting in the boardroom, if the matter is proven even more serious, this case of yours will be taken to court”
Sayrah rolled her eyes. This case?! It wasn’t even her fault. The teacher suddenly snapped, making the entire class shake “DON’T roll your eyes!”
Sayrah folded her arms stubbornly. For some reason, she suddenly decided that she just didn’t need to care.
“You have humiliated our school!”
She raised her hand in a motion, signaling him to shut up. But to him her manners were repulsive, and she had crossed the line now. She was escorted out of class, and into another large room, where the case had to be discussed. She was shaking her head in disbelief. The memories, however, were now returning to her crystal clear. She could just explain to the board that she was drugged with cocaine, but would they believe her? Would the hospital have it on the report?
Once she was taken into the secluded boardroom and properly seated, the issues were loudly discussed amongst the long table of fierce-looking people, questions were thrown at her, such as:
“Do you suffer from depression or extreme trauma?”
“Your school records show that you have received unfulfilled detentions sixty percent of your years, why didn’t you fulfill them?”
“You already have a criminal record for stealing and illegal forgery, did you steal the drugs yourself?”
The accusations went on for more than two hours, and she half told the truth to all them, until Sayrah finally said “Fine! I was forced to take cocaine by my caretakers at the orphanage! Is that what you needed to know!?”
This had all of the adults on board suddenly silent. “Evidence?” questioned the lead officer.
“It’s all over the orphanage, the drugs, they’re also in all the rooms of all the caretakers, I didn’t mean to take them, they were forced into me”
Immediately the orphanage had several detectives inspecting it within minutes, Sayrah waited for an hour, with her arms firmly crossed. She certainly didn’t give a crap. But what she had told them was only proven half-true. After an hour, the case was taken to court. To an actual courthouse, and Sayrah was being held by the arm very tightly by an older woman who was observing her every move. The courthouse was large and almost empty, but more and more people started to come in by the minute. Once Sayrah was seated for the trial, the same types of accusations were thrown, except even more. Such as:

“Can you remember the time and day that you were forced to inhale cocaine Miss Sayrah?”

Sayrah tried her hardest to answer all the questions, but she was no good at doing so.
She was only sixteen years old and as the court case tortuously continued, the judge and other leader were questioning whether to institutionalize her or not. It all sounded as though they were speaking an alien language to her. Miss Binns arrived late. She waited outside the courthouse, terrified to the bone. She was the leading lady of the orphanage and had just canceled her plans to come to this case.

“What do I do?” she questioned to herself, repeatedly. She clutched her phone in her hand, as her bag hung on her other arm, then she looked up, and prayed. Actually thinking god would listen to her, but then her phone rang, she looked down at it.
There was a familiar name on it, that she knew all too well, but hadn’t spoken to for over a year. Kayoro Hans. She answered her phone worriedly:

“I know about it,” he said fast
“I beg your pardon?”
“Sayrah’s case, it’s all over the newspaper, and don’t worry, I have a
solution”
"Kayoro, you can't already have a solution, how can you know everything already, that's imposs-"
"Because of me and Tim stayed in touch, I made a deal with Tim to keep Sayrah in the orphanage, and make sure she doesn't get adopted for as long as he could"
"You what? Huh?"
"Tim isn't who you think he is but I don't fully trust him either he doesn't know everything about my situation, but I know everything about his, and in fact, the fact I'm even calling you right now may get you killed so I can't tell you anything confidential"
"What's this about Tim?"
"He wasn't really transferred to your orphanage from another orphanage, he's not really an orphan, but don't ask him about it, it'd be dangerous."
By the serious tone of his voice, Miss Binns was frightened already.
“Oh, okay, well about Sayrah? She may be institutionalized Kayoro-”
“No!" said Kayoro fast: My school! Send her to my board school, it’s classed as an institutionalized board school. If they ask to institutionalize her then Han’s High Disciplinary school is only appropriate”
“But Kayoro, we’d need the signature’s of the authoritative figures of that school, and permission, not to mention it’s in Russia”
“Exactly! In Russia! It’s perfect and you’re her legal guardian! She’ll agree to it, and not turn you in if you tell her that I’m there!”
“That schools for students that have persistent criminal records!”
“And Sayrah has more than enough of that! Listen to me Maria Binns, if you speak to her first, she’ll agree to it, I swear! Consider yourself lucky you won’t be institutionalized as well. Send her to the school, or-or I'll have to report you, Miss Binn's”
She shuttered. Did he just threaten her? Seriously? He was completely right. She sighed. “I’ll do it, but we’ll need your father's signature, at least digital signature on the application forms, at least emailed to me, or his real signature faxed to me or the orphanage”
“That’s already sorted”
“Okay kid, we’ll see what happens”
She stepped into the courthouse and was surprised at how everyone was speaking freely amongst each other. She managed to quickly recall the conversation she’d had with Kayoro to Sayrah in a very quick in a whisper.
-“And I’ll be sent out of the orphanage, out of Germany?” whispered Sayrah back quickly.
“Yes, but you have to tell them, that you took the drugs, of your own free will.”
“I will, but you have to promise me you’ll look after those kids”
“I’ll quit my job, and I’m sure the other caretakers will quit too, we’ll arrange a new staff for the orphanage”
“How do you know that will happen?”
“Because it's already decided, Kayoro has threatened to report us, so we'll leave” she ushered back quickly. "If he does report us, we'll all have criminal records, and be imprisoned"
"But the always police did see it, they never imprisoned you's!"
"Those are the police Sayrah, he would report us to the ministry of justice, then we'd be unemployed forever, and ruined, so those kids will get a new staff," she said quickly
"And what about Tim? What was Kayoro talking about?"
"Whatever you do" whispered Miss Binns. "Do not confront Tim about it, I mean it Sayrah, I always knew there was something he was hiding"

The court case continued and finally, by the end of it, the decision had been half made. That Sayrah was to be sent, one to the strictest disciplinary schools, in the entire world. But the applications for her to be enrolled in the boarding school, needed to be handed in not to mention the school costs. The school charged a minimum of forty thousand dollars a year. One of the most expensive schools in the entire world. But this was dismissed by no other than the school’s principal himself. He had faxed stamped and signed forms, stating that not only would she be accepted, free of charge, but would receive her own high-standard bedroom, and private tutors for her highly potential aspirations.

The judge was more than surprised, as was the entire courthouse, wondering why Sayrah seemed to be liked by whoever this “Han’s” school principle was. Finally, the decision was fully made. That the very next day she was suddenly on a plane, leaving it all behind.

Sayrah arrived back to the orphanage. Not knowing why any of this had just happened to her. Obviously being given drugs every now and again something was bound to happen but this really did seem too out of the blue. The caretakers were packing all of their own luggage already and Tim had shifted out of the whole orphanage altogether. He didn't even say any sort of goodbye to anyone, even though he and Sayrah were actually best friends.

The new caretakers were coming in already, and all the children were being given a sort of lecture. Sayrah looked at the new caretakers and noticed it was two older ladies and one middle-aged woman. They looked very friendly and had a very "old-lady appeal' about them.
"So that's what orphanage guardians should look like," she thought.
Sayrah walked to her room (Shared with the other girls), and saw Miss Binns sitting on her bed. "I can't believe you're finally getting out," she said quietly
Sayrah rolled her eyes."Sayrah" she said carefully. "I've heard a lot of bad rumors about that disciplinary school, so, so please, do take care of yourself"
"Oh don't worry, I'll take care of myself a lot better than you have ever taken care of yourself, " said Sayrah carelessly
"No, if something bad were to happen to you, I'd just die," said Miss Binns
Sayrah rolled her eyes, though, light tears were falling out.
“You’re such a loser," she thought silently
Miss Binns shot upwards then patted Sayrah on the back. She wanted to give her some type of goodbye embrace but was scared Sayrah might yank her hair out. Sayrah's glare seemed almost life threatening.
"You'll be at that school tomorrow and you'll never see me again"
"What? But you're my legal guardian"
"Once you're there, Han's is your legal guardian, that school has powerful authority, part of signing you over meant signing over my guardianship, I felt bad so, so I just wanted to say goodbye"
"Oh whatever," said Sayrah as Miss Binns was walking out

The next day when Sayrah was being taken to the airport, she was nervous. She had never been on an airplane before. Her life was about to change forever, but just as she was running towards the plane, her shoulders were grabbed, and she was turned around by Tim "There you are" he said with a stern expression. "Oh?" said Sayrah, in slight shock. He swallowed, "Mm, well Sayrah I just wanted to tell you something before you left."
"What? That Hans school has bad rumors?" she responded in boredom
"Well, just really stick to Kayoro if he wants to be your friend? Okay? But don't listen to every little thing he says, he's screwed me over real bad before, but by mistake. But you still should stick to him because I heard that school's got like, really weird rumors and Kayoro was adopted by the principle, so sticking to him would be wise. That's all, Oh! and there is a chance, that you could possibly have family in Russia, or even in the school, Goodbye Sayrah"

She wanted to talk more, but he'd gone already. She watched him walk towards his car, and get into it from across the concrete field. It was a flash vehicle. He reversed it and drove it away. Her eyes widened, "What the hell? I thought he couldn't drive?!" she whispered feeling majorly confused. She shrugged it off, and soon, the pilot was escorting her onto the plane, and she was off. Feeling excited. Yet nervous. What were these rumors?

Chapter 2:

Sayrah looked ahead. She knew there weren't many places to go where a young German girl would become accepted. Walking through the boarding school she was trying to find where the room was. "Number 789, number 789" she sang to herself. Once she found the room, she barged through the door. She suddenly saw a very handsome boy sitting on her bed. His perfect skin bright eyes and handsome face put Sayrah in slight awe, "u-umm, who the hell are you?"
He smiled at her accent. Sayrah's heart skipped a beat as his eyes met hers with that lovely smile, he then stood up hands in his pockets. His build seemed very impressive for a teenager, his hair perfectly groomed, he seemed very charming and stood up straight with a confident look in his eyes."I'm Fuantier, but you must call me 'Number nine. I'm in charge of moving all the luggage to all the rooms, your bags are in your wardrobe."
His accent and voice sounded pleasant to Sayrah, she nodded "Well, thank you, umm, number nine, but I am not lazy. I could have done it myself. I can take it from here."
She walked towards her wardrobe leaving the handsome boy standing to inspect her belongings, she frowned at the bags messily lying against the wall, half open. She turned and gave him an angry look. His gaze not phased by her look in the slightest. "Pftt, this stupid guy, " she thought now feeling slightly mad. How dare he treat her stuff like that? And to go through it without even zipping it back up? What kind of idiot was he?!
"Umm, I'm sorry, but do you mind? " she spoke in a harsh tone looking frustrated "Seriously, how long are you going to stand there and stare at me?" she instantly thought maybe he finds her attractive also!
He stared at her and smiled the exact same way as before, she rolled her eyes, now feeling really annoyed wanting the idiot out already."You requested for this bedroom Sayrah," he said coolly, "don't you realize, you shouldn't have done that?" his voice sounded nice and the accent not at all familiar to her.
She turned away from his stare. "I had no choice really, and why?' she replied.
"Good things don't happen to people that choose this room," he said noticing her legs.
"Well I'm sure I can handle whatever these rich Jews are willing to throw at me," she shrugged not caring at all about what this rich punk was trying to warn her.
"Are you not going to ask why this room isn't safe?" asked Number nine looking at her eagerly.
"I don't care," she said.
"Look behind your bed," he said firmly.
Sayrah rolled her eyes.
"Do it!" he suddenly demanded.
Sayrah felt a sudden excitement over Number 9’s charming demeanor suddenly changing and commanding her, she then got curious and went towards her bed, and pulled it from the wall. There was nothing but a plug port "I don't get it" she said looking disappointed. ‘Is this jerk playing with me’ she thought. Number Nine walked up to her and held out his hand, "good luck, you're gonna need it."
"I'm not stupid Number nine," she responded angrily"If that's what I should even call you, idiot," she whispered under her breathe now done with this nosy punk.
He grinned "whatever, don't touch what you can't afford"
She smirked, "what's that supposed to mean?!"
Number nine smiled "you'll see," he said walking towards the door.
Sayrah walked ahead and pulled the door open for him. He shot her a confused look as soon as he passed through, she then immediately slammed the door hard behind him. She stared at the door with mixed emotions going through her, "he was quite handsome, but geez, he thinks he's all that, that guy's got some serious issues" she whispered, then went to check on her stuff.
That night she slept awkwardly. She woke and prepared for her first day at school, then headed off to class. She arrived at class to see a teacher with a long tailored suit standing in front of the classroom that was rather wide and dusty looking. The desks that filled the large classroom weren't ordinary desks. They were wooden and the seats reminded her of long wooden church chairs. One by one, students filled the room. They pushed her annoyingly, muttering "Move!"

She rushed to the desk right at the front of the class. A boy shot a look at her. His eyes wide. After a moment, half the students turned to look at her with an expression that clearly read: "What the hell are you doing?!"
The moment everybody was seated perfectly the teacher clapped his hands. He spoke in a loud, cold deep voice. "Hans High school!!, for all students who traveled to this god! Forsaken! School welcome!!"
Sayrah half laughed under her breath.
"My name is Adrian, My uncle who usually runs this school is vacant! Therefore, I have taken over his position as a school Principle! My uncle Aorann Hans may eventually have his return, but until then recognize my authority while you participate in my class! Now, to all students who are not purely of Jewish blood…. Stand up!!"

Sayrah stood up. The whole class gasped in horror. The good looking young teacher looked at her with dark eyes. He was a strange man indeed "Come here" he hushed. Sayrah approached him curiously. Then he grabbed her arm. She almost jumped in fright. Having had no idea why he had just done that "Um…..sir??"
"Close your eyes" he whispered. "That will make this, a lot less painful"
The students all took a breath, watching while feeling helpless. Sayrah smiled. For some strange reason, she was a little excited. But her smile disappeared the second she fell to the ground. This young teacher had just whipped her legs. Excruciating pain shot through her thighs. She had now regretted not wearing her long school socks. She froze, while sitting on the ground in shock.
The teacher laughed then pulled her up by her hair and threw her towards the front of the class. Sayrah had her eyes closed. Thinking she must be in a horrible dream. But she wasn’t. This was real.
"Get up you German trash! Or should I say German little bitch?"
The teacher laughed evilly. Enjoying the horror on Sayrah's face. Sayrah quickly stood up and rushed back to her seat at the front of the class. "Welcome to Poland!" he laughed, though nobody laughed with him.

When it was time for morning break a male student walked around the school ringing a stupid bell. The teacher left as all the students sighed in relief, then suddenly students crowded around Sayrah. "Sayrah, that's your name..right??" one of the students asked her. Sayrah breathed heavily "Why'd that boy ring a bell instead of the school bell going off?' she asked a pretty looking girl in front of her.
"Oh, because the school bell is too loud, and it could expose this location."
‘Expose,’ she thought confused.
Sayrah seriously didn’t understand what was going on as the students talked to her. One boy pulled out his handkerchief from his pocket.
"Brand new for two cents," he said wrapping it around Sayrah's injured leg.
"Two cents? That is outrageous!" snapped a rather pretty girl angrily.
"I bought it from a beast in the street, he is trying to buy himself another carriage because his horse destroyed his carriage on the roads"
"Horse?? " asked Sayrah looking confused.
This was the year 2014. Nobody uses horses on the roads anymore.
"You're kidding, what did it do?" asked the same pretty girl.
"His horse started hitting on another floozy, and another male horse got angry and rammed right into the old fellas carriage!! Now he's ripping people off selling old handkerchiefs and pretending they are blessed and will give you good fortune, and he's making the big bucks!!"
All the students around him burst out laughing. "I'm Thomas by the way, and she's Anna" he smiled. Then he pointed to the tall girl beside her. "That's Miss Annas best friend, Miss Myra"
Sayrah inspected these 3 young students, she noticed they all had impressive builds and common good looks. "So is this a racist school or what?" They looked at her as though she was stupid.
"This is Poland! And you are a German! What were you thinking coming to this school in the middle of war?! You have to be crazy!"
"War??" questioned Sayrah.
They laughed at what they assumed was a joke.
"What's so funny? There's been nothing about it on the internet!" snapped Sayrah.
"What is internet?" asked Thomas.
"Huh? Well it's what you go onto with a computer or a cellphone" said Sayrah.
"What is a cellphone?" asked Anna. Myra glared as she eyed Sayrah suspiciously
"Do you possess one?"
"N-no, not yet," said Sayrah
"Well that sounds unrealistic," said Thomas.
"Well let's all have some morning tea in the gardens!!" said Anna excitedly running out the students followed. But Sayrah let them run from her and disappeared from them, as soon as she was alone, light tears started to fall from her eyes. "I've got to get out of here!" she whispered.
She walked towards the teachers desk and slid open his draw. He had several quilts, and small pots of ink, and a very old fashioned shotgun sitting in his draw "What the hell?" she whispered feeling frustrated.

Sayrah hurried through the school hall. She was trying escape, she had to find an exit door, she spotted one but then she suddenly heard giggles and squeals from a large gang of girls.

She felt a strange vibe as a guy walked past her. With his hat on his head, a cold expression on his face, and his hands in his pockets. Number nine passed her, with his chin held high. He had a badge pinned to the chest of his uniform, it was labeled - “Second authority"
Several girls were watching him. Their faces in awe. Sayrah shot around. "Number nine?" she loudly and rudely called out to him. He turned to her with a smirk "Excuse me?" he said deeply.
"You heard me Number Nine, don't you remember me?"
The girls stared in shock at her bravery. He looked at her and smirked at her accent "I do not think I would bother to remember the face of an orphan Dog"
Sayrah rolled her eyes then burst into hysterical laughter."Hahaha! You've gotta be joking…hmm did you think that when you went through my luggage?? Huh? You didn't even bother to replace the food that you stole! You left half eaten chocolate in my purse! Not even bothering to put it back where you found it!!"

He laughed unkindly at her face "First of all, I would not dare to eat your German poison! Also my name is not Number Nine...I am the head student. I am sir Fuantier."
Sayrah smirked…."Pftt."
"Now get out of my sight!" he said coldly"Before I give you another reason to wear more bandages."
Sayrah stormed away from him.’I can't believe it!' she thought. "How stupid! He's forgotten me already?! And why did he seem like a completely different person?!"

She was so bothered that she had forgotten about the fact she was trying to escape from the school. When morning break was over, a female teacher roughly grabbed Sayrah and had to drag her back to class. She was very rough and almost dislocated Sayrah's elbow.

For the rest of that school day, Sayrah felt a pain in her gut. Though the students were kind to her. Every single teacher had a dark Aura. Looking at Sayrah with complete disgust. Was it because she was the only girl in a mini-skirt? She was German at a Jewish school? Or was it both possibilities? She just didn't understand.

Once school had finished and she got back to her bedroom at the end of the day, she threw herself onto her bed and burst into tears. "I've already got a hard life! God, this isn't fair!" she cried into her pillow. Her dramatic moment was interrupted when she heard an annoying bang on her door. She got up, opened it, and saw a fresh faced Happy looking guy. Number Nine stood there holding a twenty dollar bill.
"Why hello you jerk!" snapped Sayrah at his face
He laughed. "What's your problem huh? I'm coming to replace what I stole"
Sayrah raised her eyebrows and stood there looking confused and shaking her head "You know, you don't have to give money as well, I'm not really as poor as I look"
"No actually, I stole twenty dollars from your skin care purse thingy, that moisturizer made my skin shiny!"
Sayrah smirked looking disturbed. "Hmm…..well, I didn't even notice you stole twenty dollars"
Number nine's eyebrows raised "Oh!" he said happily. "So I can keep this then?"
"NO!" she snapped angrily snatching it from his hand "But keep the chocolate you're holding, since you look so underfed," she said folding her arms crossly
He smiled at her "I'm sorry for going through your stuff"
'What's with his guy?' thought Sayrah. "Why is he all of a sudden so happy?!'
"Do you have split personality or something?" she asked.
'Does he have bipolar? Schizophrenia? Mulch personality disorder?' she wondered
"Pftt, no! Who do you think you are Saying that?! You don’t know me, you don’t know my life!"
Sayrah almost laughed at him "Well, that's a nice apology!" she said sarcastically, “And calm the hell down.”
"Well….You keep looking at me rudely" he said, "and also, I'm not having the best day either."
"Hmm…..Did that hat give you brain damage or something?" laughed Sayrah.
"That's retardedly not funny," said Number nine "And what hat??" he added looking a little lost. Sayrah suddenly felt confused again. "Well..um? Jesus, I’m confused.”
She pushed him out of the door before he could say another word.
“Something’s wrong.”

CHAPTER 3

At Dinner time, both dormitory's of students were called to the boarding schools Main hall. They all arrived at this large hall, which was styled similarly to a typical University cafeteria dining room, just gigantically sized. Sayrah found her way to the table that Anna and Thomas sat at. She sat with them, feeling a little safer.
Their eyes lit up when they saw her. It was as though they thought she was incredibly beautiful. Though, she really wasn't."Hey what's up Sayrah, you're the chick from the Germany, right??"
Sayrah smiled. For some reason, their presence felt as though she was seeing them for the very first time "Hmm yes," she responded feeling offended at how they were acting as though she hadn't already met them.
Soon the group as just Thomas, Anna, Myra, Sayrah and the other girl who was said to be Thomas's cousin. Though, nobody believed she were his real cousin. Her name: Leanne. They were all seated at a long table. Wearing casual clothing. They all heard a ringtone go off. It sounded like charms and drums in one song. Anna pulled out her cellphone and laughed as she read a text "Hahaha!"
"What is it??" asked Thomas quickly snatching it off of her.
"Hey, get out you dork," said Anna.
"Something doesn't feel right," ushered Sayrah feeling lost "it just doesn't."
She felt a tap on her shoulder, and saw Number Nine (Fuantier) standing there,"Wanna eat with me? Better than with these retards," he said coolly
"Speak for yourself!" said Anna angrily.
"You're the one who asks everyone around school for money!"
"Hey at least they all give it to me, and also, half the money I owe people is actually still unpaid cause' my brother stole it."
"B-brother? Do you have a twin?" asked Sayrah curiously.
"I gotta brother He's nobody though, and he ain't my twin. He's adopted from the same orphanage as you"
"Really?" said Sayrah. "Awon orphanage??"
"Yeah!" said Number nine "In fact, I'll introduce him to you! Not that I'd need to."
Sayrah got up excitedly. Anna and Thomas glared as she abandoned their table and went to walk off with number Nine, who sat at the poorer side of the hall.
"Why'd you call them retards?" asked Sayrah as they walked.
"Cause they're just rich stuck-up brats who tell on everyone for having cellphones when..Pftt... Look at them!"
Sayrah frowned. "They didn't seem uptight this morning"
Number nine smiled. "It's just because you're adorable, that they'll be nicer to you, and you're the new girl, they'll wanna steal you quick"
Sayrah looked at his intense eyes,"but you're good looking..really good looking," she said feeling confused. Number nine burst out laughing. "Yeah-nah….Not really" When they got to the table Sayrah looked forward seeing who number nines brother was. Sayrah politely smiled at him. She recognized him but felt like she wasn't allowed to recognize him.
"I'm Kayoro," he said quietly. He was tall, muscular and spoke with a strange quiet accent. It wasn't the same, it was as though he had years of wisdom in his voice. He was dressed in a hooded jacket and jeans, and boots. Just by one glance, Sayrah could see that he had certainly become many times stronger and experienced since the last time they had seen each other. Sayrah, feeling slightly intimidated quickly spoke, "I heard you're from Awon orphanage?"
He glared at her, "I got sent here just out of nowhere," he muttered angrily. Sayrah looked away. "Hmm….so did I," she said seeming annoyed. "Hmm, okay-I'm sorry but can you please brighten up?!"
He looked up at her in surprise. She continued, " What's wrong with you? Did you get racist treatment too?!"
He suddenly retaliated, "What would you know about it, you're a female! You'll go unnoticed!"
"No you couldn't be more wrong!" said Sayrah angrily. "I got whipped today, right on the legs!"
"Pftt….prove it!" he replied. Sayrah pulled out her leg, and leaned it onto a chair in quite a seductive manner "See! Look at my scars!" she said pointing to her bare leg quite proudly
They stared at it. It didn't look damaged, whatsoever "Nice muscle" laughed Number Nine in a sarcastic tone.
Sayrah stared at it in disbelief, Then she raised her other leg, showing them another undamaged leg. Her heart suddenly raced, "um, well I um, I thought-" She started to panic. Then she stopped and stared at Kayoro who looked away.
"Um….what are you trying to do?" asked Number nine
Sayrah snatched a piece of chicken from his plate then angrily stuffed it into her mouth, in the most not feminine and way a girl could "n-nothing" she muttered, with her mouth half full. Embarrassed, she quickly walked away. "God, I'm confused."

*Rooms 789

After Dinner at 9.30 pm at night, all the students were alerted to meet at the sports field. Sayrah frowned as she noticed she was the only girl in pajamas. Kayoro was wearing long rugby socks and boxes. Everybody who was dressed in proper fitness clothes looked at them and laughed. They were gathered at a large field, and after the lights were turned on. Sayrah realized they were at a large stadium
A captain who was dressed in a light men's gymsuit blew a whistle "Okay everybody! Let's stretch for 15 minutes! Warm up, do the laps, and get this over with aye?!"
All the students yelled out rather lazily "Yes sir!"
"HEY…. SAY IT WITH MORE ENERGY YOU USELESS TROUBLE MAKERS!!"
"YES SIR!" they replied with more force
He looked at Kayoro and Sayrah "You two?! Why ain't you dressed"
Sayrah and Kayoro said nothing. Sayrah was actually freaking out she might be whipped.
"You come here," said the captain coldly to Kayoro
Kayoro approached him fearlessly
The teacher whacked him over the head, then in front of everyone, was about to beat him while pulling him down. Staring at him, Sayrah suddenly realized this looked like the same teacher who beat her earlier today.
He was about to whack Kayoro again, but Kayoro caught his wrist and kneed him in the stomach and punched his head. Sayrah gasped. The teacher was about to whack him back but hesitated."Get the hell out, you orphan brat!"
All the students looked away. After the punishment, everybody was about to run around the field and do the laps, but the teacher stopped Sayrah "You! Get changed! There're suits in the changing room"
Sayrah found the changing rooms. It took a moment to get changed. The changing rooms looked just like the ones in the American movies. She found a suit with her room number 789 on it. When she went to walk out of the changing room she suddenly heard gunshots She jumped in a freight then suddenly Kayoro came towards her.
Sayrah stared in shock "Um you can't just come in here!!" she said angrily. "This is the girls changing room you pervert!"
"Shhh," said Kayoro quickly.
She looked at him in surprise and noticed he had a uniform with a top that read "789" on it as well.
"How the heck??" she whispered in surprise
"Everybody's out there training," said Kayoro. "Assassin training"
"What?!" said Sayrah
"This school isn't a real boarding school," said Kayoro
"It's an illegal school set up by private military camps, they train the students here every second day for army training, they hypnotized all the students here.
All the students here are assassins. Our school get's illegal requests from governments all over the world to fulfill missions. We do it all anonymously and get a lot of pay for it, but hardly any students actually get their profit"
"W-what?" said Sayrah looking confused, having not caught a single word of what he was saying.
"I'll explain everything tonight," said Kayoro with a slight smile.
More gunshots rounded and the sounds echoed from where Sayrah Stood. Sayrah started to panic "Don't panic Sayrah, you and me, we come from the same orphanage, we'll stick together."
"I'm confused," said Sayrah
Kayoro suddenly leaned over and hugged her. Sayrah was about to punch him off.
"Why are we both dressed in 789? What a coincidence," said Sayrah staring off into space.
"Those two rooms take you to another time."
"Time?" said Sayrah
"They boys room 789 and girls room 789 both have a time curse on them, they take you to another time, but only during school hours. I do not know why the room is set to travel times depending on school hours."
"Huh?!!Time?! Um....ugh?? what ?" asked Sayrah looking frustrated.
Kayoro smiled brightly, "Time dimension. Before everybody was transferred to the future, supposedly Everybody existed once, decades ago. Well, that's what somebody told me. It's hard to explain, but I'll explain it all tonight"

Chapter 4

The next morning, Sayrah sat nervously on her bed, this time, she had rolled her school socks right up, and put on a longer uniform skirt
She sat pondering over everything Kayoro had said to her the night before

Flashback

Sayrah and Kayoro were sitting on top of the roof of the washing house of the school. Sayrah nearly froze as she shivered
"A-are you sure this is the only place we can talk?!" she whispered angrily.
"Yes! Right now the guards are watching both of us," whispered Kayoro leaning closer to whisper better into her ear. "Well, I'll explain everything in a few short sentences. This school was set up by the military of the country. Every student here was hypnotized by Aorann Hans. He adopted me and unfortunately he's a psycho who's put it into everybody's heads that they're all meant to be a part of a secret army to save the country!"
"How come I am not hypnotized then?!" asked Sayrah.
"They failed to hypnotize me and also, the teachers can't influence you because since you are in room 789, you disappear during school hours since that room gives you powers, the year changes when you leave it during school hours, it's the teacher who mainly influence the students in our time, not the care-takers"
Sayrah nodded her head feeling really disturbed, at how he was talking so casually about it all. "B-but," she said.
Kayoro interrupted her "Only this time dimension hypnotizes students, not the time dimension where you get sent to during school hours"
"But how was everybody there? How could they have existed in both times?"
"Oh, I don't know! I've just been told things!"
"Oh my god!" moaned Sayrah in a high pitched voice
"Yeah, supposedly everybody was reborn into this time that we are sitting in now, but I know that doesn't really make sense, but aah."
Sayrah looked at him, disappointed "I was born in the other time period as well, I’m not meant to be here" he said looking stressed
"How'd you get here?" asked Sayrah feeling annoyed
"The room, aah, I'll never really understand properly, to be honest."
They looked up at the moon "What was it like?" asked Sayrah "Coming to this time?" she said slowly
Kayoro looked down "Lonely, complicated, stressful," he said
Sayrah looked at him. His face looked quite magnificent , the moonlight lightly reflecting off his skin and off his Japanese eyes. Right now he looked like a piece of art.
"My mother was Japanese, my father was a German Nazi, but you should remember that since we come from the same orphanage"
"How is that possible when you come from another time?" asked Sayrah
"I used to be evil, I beat Thomas aggressively."
Sayrah looked at him in shock "Then, how come you don't seem that evil now?"
He smiled oddly "Because of these television movies, and books about the Nazi times, I was only ten years old when I beat up Thomas and all his friends for no justified reason."
"A-are you even human?" said Sayrah coldly
"I'm two Kayoros in one," said Kayoro looking at her with a smile "Does that answer all your questions?"
Sayrah looked at him in alarm
"You know how there is two of everybody? Well, the two of me joined forces, and became one person. Which is me. Which is why I'm kind of strong."
Sayrah looked at him coldly with a smirk "Are you human or not?!"
"Who knows" he laughed quietly
Sayrah sighed heavily "Well….um, aah, what do I do now?"
"I wish I could just tell you, but sadly, I do not know everything"
"You have to help me too," said Sayrah gazing at the stars.
"We'll have to figure out everything on our own somehow then, but don't you know why this schools army even exists?"
Kayoro shook his head. "to be honest, I have absolutely no idea, but if we stick together, we'll figure it out"
A big ghast of wind came, and frightened Sayrah into losing her place and slipping down the roof, just as she was about to fall down, Kayoro roughly grabbed the back of her jacket and pulled her back up "Be careful!"
*Flashback end

Sayrah sat up and prepared herself. She slid a watch into her pocket, and packed up her gears, and prepared to run out her room and to school. She now understood that the room transfers itself to 1939, but only during school hours. She couldn't stop the rush that was burning through her blood. Her brave and rebellious side felt she wanted the power of this room, but her survival instincts were shouting at her that she should have nothing to do with the room and shift out of it immediately. "What should I do?"

#2 giffordmac

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Posted 25 June 2016 - 01:43 PM

I'm not sure what this is supposed to be... the complete submission package? Because it's not a query, not a synopsis, and it doesn't follow the standard outline of either.

 

I think the first thing you need to do is delete this entire thread (or have a moderator do it for you.) Then you need to separate the query letter from the synopsis and post each one in the correct forum.

 

The central part of the query should follow a basic formula:

 

1. A short description of the overall conflict (the “hook”)

2. Introduce your main character (and perhaps one other character, usually the antagonist or "villian");

3. Tell us what he wants and what stands in his way (the main plot);

4. Tell us what will happen if he doesn't succeed (the stakes).

 

And if you have more than one book, only query one at a time. You can say "This is a stand-alone novel with series potential" to alert the agent that other MSs are in the works, but that's all the info you should give them.

 

For examples of queries that are clean and polished, I recommend you take a look at the archives at queryshark.blogspot.com

You'll see how other people started out with queries that were less than perfect and the steps they took to improve them. Read a LOT of them and you'll have the tools to improve your own.

 

Then a little more research into what a synopsis is and what its main elements are would help you polish that as well. Right now, it contains too many "author notes" to be considered a proper synopsis. When you've got that polished, you need to post it in the Synopsis forum.

 

People here are more than willing to help, but you've got to do some basic research first and present a product that follows the guidelines and is presented properly for each type of document you need reviewed.


“We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” ― Elie Wiesel

 

~~~

 

 

 

 


#3 rayne.adams

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Posted 27 June 2016 - 05:05 PM

^ what giffordmac said. And queryshark is a GREAT resource. Also check out http://nelsonagency.com and her pubrants (blog) listed at the top of her website. On Writer's Digest you'll also find some successful query letter examples. I think seeing successful query letters will help you shape your own. But you definitely need a pitch before the synopsis--and some agents won't request a synopsis right away--they'll ask for the query letter (pitch--don't give away the ending!) and the first 5-10 pgs (or more, depends on the agency).

 

Good luck! 


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#4 KRenee'

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Posted 03 July 2016 - 02:09 PM

All of this was overwhelming to see in once place. Take this one step at a time. You said your manuscript is complete, so start with a proper query. Keep in mind the format that is preferred by agents, pay attention to wc. Post it on this site and use the feedback to help make it the best it can be. You may find that the critiques will aid you in editing your ms.






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