Nine-year-old Luke struggles with his temper, constantly landing him in trouble, but he never expected it to land him into a far off land. ((loving the hook. But I think it'd flow better if the sentence were simplified. Something like "Luke's temper always landed him in trouble, but he never expected it to land him into a far off land" or something like that. Could even be simplified to "but now it lands him into a far off land". Basically, I love the hook but it could be a bit more snappy.))
After his sister angers him, a magical chest that finds children in need of help appears in his room. He opens it and at once is whisked away to the world of Avyun; a land of towering elves, spirited unicorns, and conniving ogres. ((loving the peter pan vibe. really makes me read the book!))
At first he is pleased to escape his annoying sister and becomes friends with elves and talking birds, but when an angry tornado threatens to ruin the land he finds himself on a quest to save Avyun. Luke must restore balance to the land by retrieving the mystic waters that the slimy ogres stole, which is what disturbed the land causing the tornado. ((Not sure you need this. I think "the slimy ogres stole" is a much stronger end to the sentence. Or maybe the sentence could be rearranged so that the explanation appears first, then the sentence ends with the mission/source of danger, so it has more punch.))
Luke partners with a wise elf to trek to the crooked mountains, home to the ogres. Once there, he discovers that just because he’s in a new land, doesn’t mean his temper has left. When he becomes mad at the elf he blows their cover, allowing them to be captured. As prisoner, he faces his biggest challenge. Controlling his anger. The ogres gain their power from anger and lies, and are weakened by their enemies self control and truth. If Luke can’t remain calm and claim the truth over his temper, he’s doomed to remain captured and tormented by ogres, as evil overruns the land. ((great stakes and conflict!))
LUKE AND THE ANGRY TORNADO is a 7,700-word children’s fantasy chapter book with series potential, for ages seven to ten, similar to BALTO OF THE BLUE DAWN by Mary Pope Osborne.
Love the premise and I enjoyed the query as well. Loving the magic and the peter pan vibes. :) I hope my comments can be of use.
If you have the time, could you please take a look at my query as well? :) http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=358017