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How is this hook for "Legless Spider?"


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#1 Saraquill

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Posted 20 July 2016 - 12:09 PM

Note: I'm more familiar with a hook being the thing that makes and agent or editor curious enough to hear the rest of the pitch. This is the kind of hook I'm more interested in refining at the moment, rather than a Twitter style pitch.

 

All Sulla knows about her past is that she was buried alive with enough magic in her blood to change her body. Revisions on post #6


If you give me a critique, I'll return the favor.

Thoughts on my hook? http://agentquerycon...legless-spider/

How is my synopsis? http://agentquerycon...pider-synopsis/


#2 D. Thomas Clark

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Posted 20 July 2016 - 12:52 PM

"All Sulla" sounds very strange together. And kind of like a name. And I don't know what "change her body" means. Like shapeshift?



#3 kjasjg

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Posted 22 July 2016 - 09:15 AM

Kilomara raises a good point could you change it from All ... to The only thing ... without losing the meaning? I assume there would be another line hinting or describing what Change means?

Thanks

Jer



#4 danielle-saints

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Posted 22 July 2016 - 06:31 PM

Note: I'm more familiar with a hook being the thing that makes and agent or editor curious enough to hear the rest of the pitch. This is the kind of hook I'm more interested in refining at the moment, rather than a Twitter style pitch.

 

All Sulla knows about her past is that she was buried alive with enough magic in her blood to change her body.

Love love the "buried alive" part - that piqued my interest. But the rest of it made me reread it a few times. If I could, I'd lead with the buried alive bit.



#5 Saraquill

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Posted 24 July 2016 - 08:41 AM

Kilomara raises a good point could you change it from All ... to The only thing ... without losing the meaning? I assume there would be another line hinting or describing what Change means?

Thanks

Jer

 

There's another line in the pitch paragraph elaborating on the changes to her. Since this forum is for one line hooks, I only posted the first line.


If you give me a critique, I'll return the favor.

Thoughts on my hook? http://agentquerycon...legless-spider/

How is my synopsis? http://agentquerycon...pider-synopsis/


#6 Saraquill

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Posted 25 July 2016 - 04:50 PM

Here's some sample rewrites

 

Sulla was buried alive with enough magic in her blood to change her body. <--- I'm not thrilled with this, as it's all past tense with no hint of the present.

 

The only thing Sulla knows about her past is that she was buried alive with enough magic in her blood to damage her legs. <--- This is more to the point about changes to her body, but only focuses on the most plot relevant alteration.

 

Any thoughts?


If you give me a critique, I'll return the favor.

Thoughts on my hook? http://agentquerycon...legless-spider/

How is my synopsis? http://agentquerycon...pider-synopsis/


#7 BumbleBee

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Posted 15 August 2016 - 07:50 PM

I prefer the second one and if this were the opening of a query I'd definitely be reading on to figure out just what was going on.

 

If you ever do want to use it as a stand-alone hook I think you'd need to focus on fleshing out different things but as the start of a query I think it works.  :smile:



#8 kjasjg

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Posted 16 August 2016 - 07:46 AM

I like the second hook. I would want to find out more so it works for me.



#9 Preston Copeland.Biz

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Posted 16 August 2016 - 08:14 AM

Note: I'm more familiar with a hook being the thing that makes and agent or editor curious enough to hear the rest of the pitch. This is the kind of hook I'm more interested in refining at the moment, rather than a Twitter style pitch.

 

All Sulla knows about her past is that she was buried alive with enough magic in her blood to change her body. Revisions on post #6

I like this hook. It makes me wonder what change her body means, and why she was buried alive... :) 

And then you can expound on it more below.


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#10 JoshuaCBrown

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Posted 19 August 2016 - 09:34 PM

Here's some sample rewrites

 

Sulla was buried alive with enough magic in her blood to change her body. <--- I'm not thrilled with this, as it's all past tense with no hint of the present.

 

The only thing Sulla knows about her past is that she was buried alive with enough magic in her blood to damage her legs. <--- This is more to the point about changes to her body, but only focuses on the most plot relevant alteration.

 

Any thoughts?

I also like the 2nd one more.



#11 Saraquill

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Posted 30 August 2016 - 09:04 AM

More hooks I've been playing with. The rest are on post #6.

 

If Sulla's so important, why was she buried alive?<-- This is a major question throughout the story, but it give my protagonist little agency.

 

Who put Sulla in the fairy egg? <--Same thoughts as above. I think this one is catchy, but I'm afraid it makes my story sounds more like a mystery than it actually is.


If you give me a critique, I'll return the favor.

Thoughts on my hook? http://agentquerycon...legless-spider/

How is my synopsis? http://agentquerycon...pider-synopsis/


#12 daniL

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Posted 31 August 2016 - 06:30 PM

I say don't rely so heavily on question pitches- think of it less like the line on a movie poster, because it does need a little more detail than that.

 

The information that you NEED to draw people in is 1) buried alive 2) that she was given the ability to shape shift/change her body. In that way, your initial pitches are strong, you just need clearer language.



#13 adr90

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Posted 31 August 2016 - 08:47 PM

Here's some sample rewrites

 

Sulla was buried alive with enough magic in her blood to change her body. <--- I'm not thrilled with this, as it's all past tense with no hint of the present.

 

The only thing Sulla knows about her past is that she was buried alive with enough magic in her blood to damage her legs. <--- This is more to the point about changes to her body, but only focuses on the most plot relevant alteration.

 

Any thoughts?

Yeah, I don't particularly care for the first one either. The second has potential. I like the detail about her legs. Instead of "the only thing," try "all." It's shorter and helps the reader's eyes focus on the meat of the sentence. 

 

I'm with daniL--question pitches don't work that well, imo.



#14 BWretched

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Posted 02 September 2016 - 09:53 AM

Yeah, I don't particularly care for the first one either. The second has potential. I like the detail about her legs. Instead of "the only thing," try "all." It's shorter and helps the reader's eyes focus on the meat of the sentence. 

 

I'm with daniL--question pitches don't work that well, imo.

This.


❤️

 


#15 D. Thomas Clark

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Posted 02 September 2016 - 12:02 PM

Yeah, I don't particularly care for the first one either. The second has potential. I like the detail about her legs. Instead of "the only thing," try "all." It's shorter and helps the reader's eyes focus on the meat of the sentence. 

 

I'm with daniL--question pitches don't work that well, imo.

Ha, this a good example of how you can't please everyone. Welcome to the feedback loop; it's come around full circle! See, a month ago, me and a few others thought that "All Sulla", and up top me and a few others thought that sounded like a name, and suggested to change it to "the only thing" or something else, and now the suggestion is to change it back to how it was originally.

 

I agree that the questions don't work for this one, and like "The only thing Sulla knows about her past is that she was buried alive with enough magic in her blood to damage her legs." best, although I still think it was a bit off. To me, the second half sounds like she would damage herself, but I don't know how that would help her.



#16 crazyrunner27

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Posted 06 September 2016 - 01:21 PM

Saraquill:

 

I like the second hook from Post #6. I agree with daniL that you should probably stay away from questions in your hook, especially if it's the beginning of your query. I've seen questions in twitter pitches, but I think for a traditional hook and the query as a whole, it's best to stay away from questions.

 

Having said that, I like your second hook: The only thing Sulla knows about her past is that she was buried alive with enough magic in her blood to damage her legs.  It definitely piques my interest, makes me want to read on, find out more.

 

Hope that helps. Good luck and thanks for your feedback on my pitch.

 

  

 






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