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RECODED Chapter 1 250 (Lillian POV) Adult Social Sci-fi

recoded adult social scifi sci-fi

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#1 ryankalford

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Posted 02 August 2016 - 04:34 AM

Revision in post #9!

I'm not even sure I should even be sharing this yet given I'm still haven't finished the actual chapter . . . but since I've already bled my eyeballs over sharping it up religiously (being a real slow poke and all), and the helpful feedback I garnered from posting my opening 250 over the past year, what can it really hurt?

To be clear, this is what I consider the "adult" opening POV to RECODED. The idea behind my rewrities is to create a clear synergy between the first few chapters of bouncing between Dani (the MC) and Lillian, until I can bleed Dani's parents into the adult side and they eventually take Lillian's place. So for me, getting GENESIS and Chapter 1 "perfect" are absolutely vital. Because as I painfully learned last year, if the opening's broke (not necessarily bad, but cumbersome and somewhat soft in execution)--it doesn't really matter how great the material beyond it is. You're screwed. So, without further ado . . .

__________

The ballet figure twirled to its chiming tune. Twirled and twirled again. Arms stretched high above her head, fingers joined together in a circle. One elegant pale leg straight, the other bent in an arching sweep of supple grace. Her snow white tutu immaculate in its divine purity. Her face a glowing mask of frozen delicacy as she paced through her endless stride—forever a prisoner to the stage and its captive audience.

Much like Lillian remembered.

She watched the statuette’s performance leaned against the richly carved mahogany headboard of her queen-sized bed, legs still curled under the soft caress of its velvet silk sheets. An unlit Decker dangled miserably from her mouth. She flicked the silver lighter in her right hand open, hesitated, and then thumbed it back shut just as nonchalantly. Focus, Lily. Her cravings were always the worst in the morning. They favored a zero tolerance policy against missing appointments. Anything other than prescription, and her body threw a screaming toddler-sized tantrum of nauseating jitters that dampened her brow in cold sweat and throttled her heart like a heroin junkie’s. A staggering avalanche she all too often succumbed too, unable to resist the calming allure of white hot ash coursing through her veins.

But not today.

She continued toying with the lighter, taking the Decker out of her mouth for an imaginary drag. Focus on where your footing is, Lillian, Ancillia de von Savonna--four-time ballet world champion and, less importantly, her mother--chided.

RECODED <250 EDITING FEEDBACK + ADVICE

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 

RECODED QUERY (FINISHED???)

http://agentquerycon...scifi/?p=250665

 

RECODED: GENESIS (Dani POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 
RECODED: Chapter 1 (Lillian POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...-social-sci-fi/

 

RECODED Synopsis (REWRITING SOON)

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/


#2 BumbleBee

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Posted 10 August 2016 - 05:03 AM

I'm not even sure I should even be sharing this yet given I'm still haven't finished the actual chapter . . . but since I've already bled my eyeballs over sharping it up religiously (being a real slow poke and all), and the helpful feedback I garnered from posting my opening 250 over the past year, what can it really hurt?

 

To be clear, this is what I consider the "adult" opening POV to RECODED. The idea behind my rewrities is to create a clear synergy between the first few chapters of bouncing between Dani (the MC) and Lillian, until I can bleed Dani's parents into the adult side and they eventually take Lillian's place. So for me, getting GENESIS and Chapter 1 "perfect" are absolutely vital. Because as I painfully learned last year, if the opening's broke (not necessarily bad, but cumbersome and somewhat soft in execution)--it doesn't really matter how great the material beyond it is. You're screwed. So, without further ado  . . .

 

__________

 

The ballet figure twirled to its chiming tune. Twirled and twirled again. Arms stretched high above her head, fingers joined together in a circle. One elegant pale leg straight, the other bent in an arching sweep of supple grace. Her snow white tutu immaculate in its divine purity. Her face a glowing mask of frozen delicacy as she paced through her endless strideforever a prisoner to the stage and its captive audience.

 

I've colour-coded the words that either mean the same thing or accomplish the same thing in your writing. Some repetition is good, the twirling three times is hypnotic and adds to the effect....other times repetition just makes it seem like you want your audience to be impressed by the verbose nature of your limitless and inventive vocabulary. 

One description is effective, more than one is gilding the lily. 

     

Much like Lillian remembered.

     

She watched the statuette’s performance (we already know that) leaned against the richly carved mahogany (pick just one descriptor) headboard of her queen-sized bed, legs still curled under the soft caress of its velvet silk sheets. (Again, one descriptor and velvet and silk are two very different and opposed textures)

 

An unlit Decker dangled miserably from her mouth. (!!! this is awesome! unlit and miserably both reinforce the mood without burying us in description) She flicked the silver lighter in her right hand open, hesitated, and then thumbed it back shut just as nonchalantly. Focus, Lily. Her cravings were always the worst in the morning. They favored a zero tolerance policy against missing appointments. Anything other than prescription, and her body threw a screaming toddler-sized tantrum of nauseating jitters that dampened her brow in cold sweat and throttled her heart like a heroin junkie’s. A staggering avalanche she all too often succumbed too, unable to resist the calming allure of white hot ash coursing through her veins.

 

 

     

But not today.

 

She continued toying with the lighter, taking the Decker out of her mouth for an imaginary drag. Focus on where your footing is, Lillian, Ancillia de von Savonna--four-time ballet world champion and, less importantly, her mother--chided. (I love the less importantly part)

 

 

Ok sorry if that seemed harsh, and ultimately it does come down to personal tastes. You have some amazing lines that I think are being overwhelmed by extra words.



#3 ryankalford

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Posted 10 August 2016 - 08:55 PM

Hey BumbleBee!

 

Thanks so much for the critique! Nothing to be sorry about. It is a particular weakness of mine (among other tidbits) of over-saturating descrptive words at times, so you pretty much were right on-the-money. So I made adjustments based on the things you pointed out (not sure if I got all of them right). I'm trying to be as cutthroat as I can in my editing, so this helped illustrate the area of imporvement I need on the micro word-to-word level. Funny enough, I just edited this again yesterday, and decided to go further in gutting paragraph 2 than you suggested--mainly because the "zoom" on Lillian's smoking troubles seemed extraneous to me after studying it. Saw an opening for a quicker cut to Lillian's mother paragraph, so tried it out that way (even though I really like some of those lines. But kill our darlings, and all that jazz).

 

And glad you really liked some of the lines! (Must mean I'm not a complete screw-up then, heh). Apperciate it.

 

Here's goes try #2

__________

 

The ballet figure twirled to its chiming tune. Twirled and twirled again. Arms stretched high above her head, fingers joined together in a circle. One pale leg straight, the other bent in an arching sweep. Her snowy tutu immaculate, sparkling headdress divine. Her face a glowing delicacy as she performed—forever a prisoner to the stage and its audience.

     

Much like Lillian remembered.

     

She leaned naked against the mahogany headboard of her queen-sized bed. Her legs curled under its purple silk sheets. An unlit Decker dangled miserably from her mouth. She flicked the silver lighter in her right hand open, hesitated, and then thumbed it shut. Focus, Lily. She tried, only to imagine a luscious drag instead.

     

Focus on where your footing is, Lillian, Ancillia de von Savonna—four-time ballet world champion and, less importantly, her mother— chided. Always, always, always know where you’re going to land before a leap! The stage is your canvas, and your legs are your brush. If you can’t tame that wildness that seeps into your strokes and marry them with the refinement of a proper danseuse’s touch, how will you ever perform a true masterpiece?

     

Lillian loathed reliving the countless drills in her head. The laborious routines for which she'd praticed day in and out so rigorously with steadfast earnestness. Her fear of failure driving her to win the array of trophies and medals sharing the small alcove between dressers with her statuette. A shrine more mockery than pride, but a shrine none-the-less. Proof that somethings couldn't be let go.


RECODED <250 EDITING FEEDBACK + ADVICE

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 

RECODED QUERY (FINISHED???)

http://agentquerycon...scifi/?p=250665

 

RECODED: GENESIS (Dani POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 
RECODED: Chapter 1 (Lillian POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...-social-sci-fi/

 

RECODED Synopsis (REWRITING SOON)

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/


#4 BumbleBee

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Posted 11 August 2016 - 05:43 AM

Wow!!!

 

Huge kudos for your mercilessness with the second paragraph as well, I literally went "Ooooooo" out-loud as I read. (My dog looked up to see what the deal was.)

 

I think you were absolutely right to shift more of the focus onto Lillian's relationship with her mother. When I got to the end of the 250 words this time I was disappointed! I wanted to keep reading so mission accomplished as a writer! (Ok...maybe not the whole mission...but important part of mission accomplished!)



#5 artbyandream

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Posted 16 August 2016 - 07:41 PM

Hey BumbleBee!

 

Thanks so much for the critique! Nothing to be sorry about. It is a particular weakness of mine (among other tidbits) of over-saturating descrptive words at times, so you pretty much were right on-the-money. So I made adjustments based on the things you pointed out (not sure if I got all of them right). I'm trying to be as cutthroat as I can in my editing, so this helped illustrate the area of imporvement I need on the micro word-to-word level. Funny enough, I just edited this again yesterday, and decided to go further in gutting paragraph 2 than you suggested--mainly because the "zoom" on Lillian's smoking troubles seemed extraneous to me after studying it. Saw an opening for a quicker cut to Lillian's mother paragraph, so tried it out that way (even though I really like some of those lines. But kill our darlings, and all that jazz).

 

And glad you really liked some of the lines! (Must mean I'm not a complete screw-up then, heh). Apperciate it.

 

Here's goes try #2

__________

 

The ballet figure twirled to its chiming tune. Twirled and twirled again. Arms stretched high above her head, fingers joined together in a circle. One pale leg straight, the other bent in an arching sweep. Her snowy tutu immaculate, sparkling headdress divine. Her face a glowing delicacy as she performed—forever a prisoner to the stage and its audience. Well, so far you prove to have a beautiful writing style and despite this opening with dscription it already pulls me in.

     

Much like Lillian remembered.

     

She leaned naked against the mahogany headboard of her queen-sized bed. Her legs curled under its purple silk sheets. An unlit Decker dangled miserably from her mouth. She flicked the silver lighter in her right hand open, hesitated, and then thumbed it shut. Focus, Lily. She tried, only to imagine a luscious drag instead. Like I said before, you have a wonderful way of painting a picture for the reader.

     

Focus on where your footing is, Lillian, Ancillia de von Savonna—four-time ballet world champion and, less importantly, her mother— chided. Always, always, always know where you’re going to land before a leap! The stage is your canvas, and your legs are your brush. If you can’t tame that wildness that seeps into your strokes and marry them with the refinement of a proper danseuse’s touch, how will you ever perform a true masterpiece?

     

Lillian loathed reliving the countless drills in her head. The laborious routines for which she'd praticed day in and out so rigorously with steadfast earnestness. Her fear of failure driving her to win the array of trophies and medals sharing the small alcove between dressers with her statuette. A shrine more mockery than pride, but a shrine none-the-less. Proof that somethings couldn't be let go. Nice ending, Lily already has her personality in the open, yet a tinge of mystery which I obviously love. Compared to your first draft this is a lot better! If an agent were to read this I believe they would be pushed to read further. The deciding factor (to continue reading) was your writing style, I imagine the entire chapter would prove to have a moving plot but for now what makes this so great is the lovely description (this is coming from someone who is in LOVE with writing description) so great job!



#6 AdamBrickley

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Posted 19 August 2016 - 03:15 PM

So I'm new here but I'm also in the Social Sci-Fi space (I think) and I love this. There's no SF elements in it yet, but if I picked this up off an SF shelf, I would definitely be intrigued by the protagonist. We don't get a lot of ballerinas - and I like the focus on...well....focus. The mother's voice is really interesting and makes me want to know where this character is going to go with that sort of internal monologue eating at her.    



#7 Navin

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Posted 21 August 2016 - 12:08 AM

Here's goes try #2

__________

 

The ballet figure twirled to its chiming tune. Twirled and twirled again. Arms stretched high above her head, fingers joined together in a circle. One pale leg straight, the other bent in an arching sweep. Her snowy tutu immaculate, sparkling headdress divine. Her face a glowing delicacy as she performed—forever a prisoner to the stage and its audience. (  Brilliant writing. So vivid, so evocative. I think there is a minor issue with the POV. You have narrated it from Lillian's POV, so she can't describe her own face as "glowing delicacy."

     

Much like Lillian remembered.

     

She leaned naked against the mahogany headboard of her queen-sized bed. Her legs curled under its purple silk sheets. An unlit Decker dangled miserably from her mouth. She flicked the silver lighter in her right hand open, hesitated, and then thumbed it shut. Focus, Lily. ( Superb descriptionShe tried, only to imagine a luscious drag instead.

     

Focus on where your footing is, Lillian, Ancillia de von Savonna—four-time ballet world champion and, less importantly, her mother— chided. Always, always, always know where you’re going to land before a leap! The stage is your canvas, and your legs are your brush. If you can’t tame that wildness that seeps into your strokes and marry them with the refinement of a proper danseuse’s touch, how will you ever perform a true masterpiece?

     

Lillian loathed reliving the countless drills in her head. The laborious routines for which she'd praticed day in and out so rigorously with steadfast earnestness. Her fear of failure driving her to win the array of trophies and medals sharing the small alcove between dressers with her statuette. A shrine more mockery than pride, but a shrine none-the-less. Proof that somethings couldn't be let go.( great writing)

 

 

Well, all i can say that it is a fantastic work, and you're sure to make it big. Navin



#8 elizabethph

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Posted 02 September 2016 - 06:39 AM

Lillian loathed reliving the countless drills in her head. The laborious routines for which she'd praticed day in and out so rigorously with steadfast earnestness. (Laborious and "practiced day in and out" seem repetitive) Her fear of failure driving her to win the array of trophies and medals sharing the small alcove between dressers with her statuette.  I'm not sure you need to directly state it's fear of failure that's driving her here, since you do a great job setting up that with her mother.   A shrine more mockery than pride, but a shrine none-the-less. Proof that some things couldn't be let go. Great line!



#9 ryankalford

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Posted 18 February 2017 - 10:54 AM

So I finally ended up re-tweaking this this morning--namely the first paragraph and last bits. Thanks for the feedback, elizaph!

 

__________

 

 

The ballet figure twirled to its chiming tune. Twirled and twirled again. Snowy tutu immaculate. Sparkling headdress divine. Arms stretched high, frozen amid a daring sweep. Her face a glowing delicacy as she performed—forever a prisoner to the stage and its audience.

 

Much like Lillian remembered.

     

She leaned naked against the mahogany headboard of her queen-sized bed. Her legs curled under its purple silk sheets. An unlit Decker dangled miserably from her mouth. She flicked the silver lighter in her right hand open, hesitated, and then thumbed it shut. Focus, Lily. She tried, only to imagine a luscious drag instead.

     

Focus on where your footing is, Lillian, Ancillia de von Savonna—four-time ballet world champion and, less importantly, her mother— chided. Always, always, always know where you’re going to land before a leap! The stage is your canvas, and your legs are your brush. If you can’t tame that wildness that seeps into your strokes and marry them with the refinement of a proper danseuse’s touch, how will you ever perform a true masterpiece?

     

Lillian loathed reliving the countless drills in her head. The endless chase for perfection earning her the array of trophies and medals sharing the small alcove between dressers with her statuette. A shrine more mockery than pride, but a shrine none-the-less. Proof that somethings couldn’t be let go.

     

Isn’t that right, Alan? She glanced to her left where he laid. Your mother, my mother—both miserable queen of the cunts. The low whisper of his breaths told her he was still asleep. Even Rachael can’t understand you the way I do. Never in a million years.


RECODED <250 EDITING FEEDBACK + ADVICE

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 

RECODED QUERY (FINISHED???)

http://agentquerycon...scifi/?p=250665

 

RECODED: GENESIS (Dani POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 
RECODED: Chapter 1 (Lillian POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...-social-sci-fi/

 

RECODED Synopsis (REWRITING SOON)

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/






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