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One Last Day (Literary)


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#1 D. Thomas Clark

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Posted 20 August 2016 - 06:52 PM

NEW VERSION IN POST 13 http://agentqueryconnect.com/index.php?/topic/35754-one-last-day-literary/?p=327060

 

I know this synopsis is a little on the long side, but I had a full request that asked for a longer one and wanted some feedback before I sent that. Still, if it would work better to remove some parts and shrink it, it'd help me out later.

 

ALEX CARMICHAEL (POV) thought his job at Suncrest Adult Family Home wouldn’t last long. But 30 years later, it’s too late for the coarse Scottish immigrant to move on, because today is his last day to live.

 

Each chapter progresses a little further into Alex’s last day as he thinks about the failures and regrets of his life and tries to leave a legacy behind, then transitions to the past where Alex discovers that the home is a day behind the rest of the world—when it’s Wednesday outside it’s Tuesday inside—and anything brought inside shifts back 24 hours as long as it stays inside; even the dead come back to life. However, it comes with restrictions such as physical changes not reverting back and the phenomenon waiting to take effect until no one is watching.

 

Knowing this power would be reserved for the rich and powerful or abused by the government, Alex vows to keep it secret from everyone except his most trusted colleagues, including ABRI MERWE, a compassionate nurse and immigrant from South Africa that Alex had a crush on from the moment he interviewed her. Abri’s first thought after Alex shows her the truth about Suncrest is how to use the place to help people, so the two decide to use it to give people at the local hospital one last day to say goodbye to friends and family.

 

While Abri is satisfied giving people this second chance to end things right, Alex agreed to the idea so he could learn more about how Suncrest works in the hope that he could find a way to circumvent the restrictions. His top priority is finding someone that suddenly dies in 24 hours so he can bring them back to before the event ever happened, but with gunshots and accidents ruled out, Alex draws a blank on finding anyone nearby with an obscure disease that’s contracted and kills the patient all in under a day.  

 

As more people get this extra day, Alex struggles to keep Suncrest’s power a secret, and does things to protect it he never would have considered before. When a caregiver’s negligence results in a resident’s death, Alex doesn’t report to keep the spotlight away. He also cruelly shames Suncrest’s kind-hearted owner TIM CARUSO into removing the facility’s cameras he put up for resident safety, making his boss slink away dejectedly.

 

Thinking about all these things nearly draws Alex into ending his last day early, until he remembers all of the people he—or rather, Abri—helped, such as a gruff father who reconciles with his estranged daughter, a young girl that wanted her bickering, divorced parents to stop fighting for one day, and even a resident of the senior home itself whose extreme dementia mysteriously vanished during her revival.

 

Eventually, Alex and his team realize that the kind of person they’ve been searching for dies every day in hospitals all around the world; drug overdoses. Immediately, they bring inside a young girl that killed herself, hoping to take her back to a time before she ever took the pills. When she lives days beyond her original time of death, Alex thinks he’s found a grand purpose for Suncrest; that is until she steps outside in front of Caruso and falls dead again. To the team’s surprise, when the girl is brought back inside she goes back to one day behind the rest of the world again,  not to how she was back in Suncrest, so stays dead.

 

Abri takes the tragedy as a warning not to abuse the miracle they already have. She reminds everyone how they saw a resident’s dementia vanish and could hear her clear account firsthand and convinces them to focus Suncrest on memory care studies instead. Outnumbered, Alex vents to Caruso, the one person on his side—someone who always seems to be on his side—and tells him that he thinks they were so close and with another chance, he could figure it out. Alex doesn’t realize the impact his words have on Caruso until the owner steps outside and claims that his life can finally be worth something. Realizing what this means, Alex tries to stop Caruso’s suicide, but is accidentally killed in the struggle. When Alex wakes up again, Caruso confesses that he can’t live with the guilt of killing the person he cares for most and ends his own life in a way he can’t be revived.

 

Alex knows this will be his last day, so he immediately calls up his friends to tell them what happened, expecting to get a hero’s farewell as he spends his last day with them. But when some of the things he did to protect Suncrest accidentally slip out—much more than failing to report negligence—the betrayed team leaves him to die alone. Last to leave is Abri, whose usual compassion and kindness is replaced by a cold indifference, causing Alex more pain than any physical torment ever could.

 

With his last day drawing to a close and having lost everything to protect Suncrest and learn its unsolved secret, Alex decides to burn it down instead in a selfish attempt to end the phenomenon. Knowing that leaving the building will kill him, Alex looks back at the burning building and steps outside in one final act of defiance, ending his life on his own time. 



#2 Saraquill

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Posted 22 August 2016 - 04:23 PM

ALEX CARMICHAEL (POV) thought his job at Suncrest Adult Family Home wouldn’t last long. But 30 years later, it’s too late for the coarse Scottish immigrant to move on, because today is his last day to live.

 

Each chapter progresses a little further into Alex’s last day as he thinks about the failures and regrets of his life and tries to leave a legacy behind, then transitions to the past where Alex discovers that the home is a day behind the rest of the world—when it’s Wednesday outside it’s Tuesday inside—and anything brought inside shifts back 24 hours as long as it stays inside; even the dead come back to life. However, it comes with restrictions such as physical changes not reverting back and the phenomenon waiting to take effect until no one is watching. Suggested trimming to help get into the heart of the story. Reading that he worked at a place for 30 years or explaining the mechanics of the Family Home feel extraneous.

 

Knowing this power would be reserved for the rich and powerful or abused by the government, Alex vows to keep it secret from everyone except his most trusted colleagues, including ABRI MERWE, a compassionate nurse and immigrant from South Africa that Alex had a crush on from the moment he interviewed her. More suggested trimming. Abri’s first thought after Alex shows her the truth about Suncrest is how to use the place to help people, so the two decide to use it to give people at the local hospital one last day to say goodbye to friends and family. I found this sentence hard to follow. Maybe split it in two?

 

While Abri is satisfied giving people this second chance to end things right, Alex agreed to the idea so he could learn more about how Suncrest works in the hope that he could find a way to circumvent the restrictions. The phrasing here feels a bit awkward. Maybe try to say the same thing in fewer words? His top priority is finding someone that suddenly dies in 24 hours so he can bring them back to before the event ever happened, but with gunshots and accidents ruled out, Alex draws a blank on finding anyone nearby with an obscure disease that’s contracted and kills the patient all in under a day.  More suggested trimming

 

As more people get this extra day, Alex struggles to keep Suncrest’s power a secret, and does things to protect it he never would have considered beforeMore suggested trimming When a caregiver’s negligence results in a resident’s death, Alex doesn’t report to keep the spotlight away. He also cruelly shames Suncrest’s kind-hearted owner TIM CARUSO into removing the facility’s cameras he put up for resident safety, making his boss slink away dejectedly. The phrasing here feels a bit awkward.

 

Thinking about all these things nearly draws Alex into ending his last day early, until he remembers all of the people he—or rather, Abri—helped, such as a gruff father who reconciles with his estranged daughter, a young girl that wanted her bickering, divorced parents to stop fighting for one day, and even a resident of the senior home itself whose extreme dementia mysteriously vanished during her revival. More suggested trimming

 

Eventually, Alex and his team realize that the kind of person they’ve been searching for dies every day in hospitals all around the world; drug overdoses. Immediately, they bring inside a young girl that killed herself, hoping to take her back to a time before she ever took the pills. When she lives days beyond her original time of death, Alex thinks he’s found a grand purpose for Suncrest; that is until she steps outside in front of Caruso and falls dead again. To the team’s surprise, when the girl is brought back inside she goes back to one day behind the rest of the world again,  not to how she was back in Suncrest, so stays dead. More suggested trimming

 

Abri takes the tragedy as a warning not to abuse the miracle they already have. She reminds everyone how they saw a resident’s dementia vanish and could hear her clear account firsthand and convinces them to focus Suncrest on memory care studies instead. Outnumbered, Alex vents to Caruso, the one person on his side—someone who always seems to be on his side—and tells him that he thinks they were so close and with another chance, he could figure it out. Alex doesn’t realize the impact his words have on Caruso until the owner steps outside and claims that his life can finally be worth something. Realizing what this means, Alex tries to stop Caruso’s suicide, but is accidentally killed in the struggle. When Alex wakes up again, Caruso confesses that he can’t live with the guilt of killing the person he cares for most and ends his own life in a way he can’t be revived. I'm confused. Caruso has very little screen time in this synopsis, and his his wanting to die feels like it comes from nowhere.

 

Alex knows this will be his last day, so he immediately calls up his friends to tell them what happened, expecting to get a hero’s farewell as he spends his last day with them. But when some of the things he did to protect Suncrest accidentally slip out—much more than failing to report negligence—the betrayed team leaves him to die alone. Last to leave is Abri, whose usual compassion and kindness is replaced by a cold indifference, causing Alex more pain than any physical torment ever could. More suggested trimming

 

With his last day drawing to a close and having lost everything to protect Suncrest and learn its unsolved secret, Alex decides to burn it down instead in a selfish attempt to end the phenomenonMore suggested trimming Knowing that leaving the building will kill him, It will? I think I'm missing something. Alex looks back at the burning building and steps outside in one final act of defiance, ending his life on his own time. 

 

This synopsis leaned a lot on explaining the mechanics of time travel and vignettes of events in Suncrest. I suggest your next edit concentrate on characters and plot.


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#3 D. Thomas Clark

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Posted 23 August 2016 - 03:52 PM

The hardest part of this is trying to figure out what to do with Caruso and his motivations. He's not in the book all that much. Most drafts I didn't name him at all, but since he's the one that kills Alex I thought I should.

 

Since this is a longer one, I think it's important to keep the mechanics of the place since that's what got the agent interested at the conference, but those suggestions are a big help for the version I'll send to most agents, which I should probably go and get done.

 

Also, I wasn't sure if I should put in that part "Each chapter begins with Alex's last day..." but I don't want the agent think it's a one-off thing. A good quarter of the book is what happens on his last day, but it would be way too confusing to try and transition between the two for the synopsis, but it's very important to the book. Struggles.



#4 D. Thomas Clark

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Posted 30 August 2016 - 02:57 PM

When I started making some revisions, it ended up being short enough that I'll probably just send this version to everyone. Or something resembling this...

 

Resident Manager ALEX CARMICHAEL thought his job at Suncrest Adult Family Home wouldn’t last long. But 30 years later, it’s too late for the coarse Scottish immigrant to move on, because today is his last day to live. As he struggles to leave a legacy behind, Alex starts thinking about the past where he learned that the home is a day behind the rest of the world—when it’s Wednesday outside it’s Tuesday inside—and anything brought inside shifts back 24 hours as long as it stays inside; even the dead come back to life.

 

As soon as he discovers the anomaly, Alex knows it would be abused in the wrong hands and vows to keep it a secret with the help of ABRI MERWE, a compassionate nurse and immigrant from South Africa that Alex had a crush on from the moment he interviewed her. Abri’s first thought is to use the place to help people, so the two decide to give people at the local hospital one last day to say goodbye to friends and family.

 

However, neither of them can find a way to get people to Suncrest without drawing suspicion, so Alex asks his friend at the hospital for his help. After some success, the three find out there’s more to Suncrest than they thought, so decide to bring in Abri’s best friend, a student physicist, to help figure out the phenomenon. Together, the teams searches for someone that suddenly dies in 24 hours so they can bring them back to before the event ever happened, but with gunshots and physical accidents ruled out, everyone draws a blank on finding this ideal candidate.

 

As more people get this extra day, Alex struggles to keep Suncrest’s power a secret, and does things to protect it he never would have considered before. Thinking about all these things nearly draws Alex into ending his last day early, until he remembers all of the people he—or rather, Abri—helped, such as a gruff father who reconciles with his estranged daughter, a young girl that wanted her bickering, divorced parents to stop fighting for one day, and even a resident of the senior home itself whose extreme dementia mysteriously vanished during her revival.

 

Alex eventually realizes that the kind of person they’ve been searching for dies every day in hospitals all around the world; overdoses. Immediately, they bring in a young girl that killed herself, hoping to take her back to a time before she took the pills. When she lives days beyond her original time of death, Alex thinks he’s found a grand purpose for Suncrest; that is until the girl steps outside and falls dead again, right in front of Alex’s boss.

 

Abri takes the tragedy as a warning not to abuse the miracle they already have. She reminds everyone how they saw a resident’s dementia vanish and convinces them to focus Suncrest on memory care studies instead. Outnumbered, Alex vents to his boss who wants to help, but in a way Alex thinks would do more harm than good. The two argue and during the struggle, Alex is accidentally killed outside.   

 

When he’s revived, Alex knows this will be his last day, so he immediately calls up his friends to tell them what happened, expecting to get a hero’s farewell as he spends his last day with them. But when some of the things he did to protect Suncrest accidentally slip out, the betrayed team leaves him to die alone. Last to leave is Abri, whose usual compassion and kindness is replaced by a cold indifference, causing Alex more hurt than any physical pain ever could.

 

With his last day drawing to a close and having lost everything to protect Suncrest and learn its unsolved secret, Alex decides to burn down the building in a selfish attempt to end the phenomenon. Knowing that leaving the home will kill him, Alex looks back at the burning building and steps outside in one final act of defiance, ending his life on his own time. 



#5 strangeface

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Posted 31 August 2016 - 02:05 AM

When I started making some revisions, it ended up being short enough that I'll probably just send this version to everyone. Or something resembling this...

 

Resident Resident? Of what? The phrase "resident manager" seems to be reaching for something that isn't there, imo. Manager ALEX CARMICHAEL thought his job at Suncrest Adult Family Home wouldn’t last long. But 30 years later, it’s too late for the coarse Scottish immigrant to move on, because today is his last day to live Oh, I thought it was because he'd been there for 30 years. Was he still harbouring plans to leave before this?. As he struggles to leave a legacy behind, Alex starts thinking about the past where he learned that the home is a day behind the rest of the world—when it’s Wednesday outside it’s Tuesday inside—and anything brought inside shifts back 24 hours as long as it stays inside; even the dead come back to life.

 

As soon as he discovers the anomaly It's kind of jarring to move to something within the past without using the past tense. I know you're not supposed to use it, so maybe you shouldn't do the whole present then past thing in the first place. Also, how did he find out about the anomaly?, Alex knows it would be abused in the wrong hands and vows to keep it a secret with the help of ABRI MERWE, a compassionate nurse and immigrant from South Africa that Alex had a crush on from the moment since he first interviewed her. Abri’s first thought and not Alex's? is to use the place to help people, so the two decide to give people at the local hospital one last day to say goodbye to friends and family.

 

However, neither of them can find a way to get people to Suncrest without drawing suspicion, so Alex asks his friend at the hospital for his help. After some success, the three The three meaning Alex, his friend and Abri? find out there’s more to Suncrest than they thought Which is what?, so decide to bring in Abri’s best friend, a student physicist, to help figure out the phenomenon. Together, the teams searches for someone that suddenly dies in 24 hours so they can bring them back to before the event ever happened, but with gunshots and physical accidents ruled out Why?, everyone draws a blank on finding this ideal candidate Why'd you pivot away from the student physicist thing?.

 

As more people get this extra day, Alex struggles to keep Suncrest’s power a secret, and does things to protect it he never would have considered before Such as?. Thinking about all these things nearly draws Alex into ending his last day early, until he remembers all of the people he—or rather, Abri—helped, such as a gruff father who reconciles with his estranged daughter, a young girl that wanted her bickering, divorced parents to stop fighting for one day, and even a resident of the senior home itself whose extreme dementia mysteriously vanished during her revival.

 

Alex eventually realizes that the kind of person they’ve been searching for dies every day in hospitals all around the world; overdoses Why not just heart attacks?. Immediately, they bring in a young girl that killed herself, hoping to take her back to a time before she took the pills. When she lives days beyond her original time of death, Alex thinks he’s found a grand purpose for Suncrest; that is until the girl steps outside and falls dead again, right in front of Alex’s boss.

 

Abri takes the tragedy as a warning not to abuse the miracle they already have What did Alex's boss say?. She reminds everyone how they saw a resident’s dementia vanish and convinces them to focus Suncrest on memory care studies instead. Outnumbered, Alex vents to his boss who wants to help, but in a way Alex thinks would do more harm than good. The two argue and during the struggle The struggle? How do you come to blows on something like this?, Alex is accidentally killed outside.   

 

When he’s revived, Alex knows this will be his last day, so he immediately calls up his friends to tell them what happened, expecting to get a hero’s farewell as he spends his last day with them. But when some of the things he did to protect Suncrest accidentally slip out Which are? This is definitely not something you want to keep secret (unless it's secret in the novel of course, in which case it's going to be hard to communicate that in the synopsis.), the betrayed team leaves him to die alone. Last to leave is Abri, whose usual compassion and kindness is replaced by a cold indifference, causing Alex more hurt than any physical pain ever could.

 

With his last day drawing to a close and having lost everything to protect Suncrest and learn its unsolved secret, Alex decides to burn down the building in a selfish attempt to end the phenomenon. Knowing that leaving the home will kill him, Alex looks back at the burning building and steps outside in one final act of defiance, ending his life on his own time. 

 

Besides some unclear points, I think it's a good synopsis. It's a tiny bit long though.



#6 D. Thomas Clark

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Posted 31 August 2016 - 04:26 PM

Oh, Resident Manager is a job title in healthcare. It's the person who's in charge but doesn't actually own the place.

 

Resident Manager ALEX CARMICHAEL thought his job at Suncrest Adult Family Home wouldn’t last long. But 30 years later, it’s too late for the coarse Scottish immigrant to move on, because today is his last day to live. As he struggles to leave a legacy behind, Alex starts thinking about the past where he learned that the home is a day behind the rest of the world—when it’s Wednesday outside it’s Tuesday inside—and anything brought inside shifts back 24 hours as long as it stays inside; even the dead come back to life.

 

As soon as Alex put the clues together—a rotten apple becoming crisp and fresh, a resident springing back to life after 20 minutes of failed CPR and the digital calendars showing yesterday’s date—he knows it would be abused in the wrong hands and vows to keep it a secret. He entrusts this secret to ABRI MERWE, a compassionate nurse and immigrant from South Africa that Alex had a crush on since he interviewed her, and the two decide to use it  to give people at the local hospital one last day to say goodbye to friends and family.

 

However, neither of them can find a way to get people to Suncrest without drawing suspicion, so Alex asks his friend at the hospital for his help. After some success, the three find out there’s more to Suncrest than they thought, such as physical injuries not shifting back, so decide to also bring in Abri’s best friend, a student physicist, to help figure out the phenomenon. He suggests searching for someone that suddenly dies in 24 hours so the team can bring the person back to before the event ever happened, but with physical deaths ruled out, everyone draws a blank on finding this ideal candidate.

 

As more people get this extra day, Alex struggles to keep Suncrest’s power a secret, and does things to protect it he never would have considered before, including not reporting a caregiver’s negligence that resulted in a resident’s death. Thinking about all these things nearly draws Alex into ending his last day early, until he remembers all of the people he—or rather, Abri—helped, such as a gruff father who reconciles with his estranged daughter, a young girl that wanted her bickering, divorced parents to stop fighting for one day, and even a resident of the senior home itself whose extreme dementia mysteriously vanished during her revival.

 

Alex eventually realizes that the kind of person they’ve been searching for dies every day in hospitals all around the world; overdoses. Immediately, they bring in a young girl that killed herself, hoping to take her back to a time before she took the pills. When she lives days beyond her original time of death, Alex thinks he’s found a grand purpose for Suncrest; that is until the girl steps outside and falls dead again, right in front of Alex’s boss.

 

Once Alex explains what’s happening, his boss immediately wants to help, but in a way Alex thinks would do more harm than good. His boss is insistent and when Alex fails to talk him down, Alex tries to stop his friend but is accidentally killed in the exchange.

 

When he’s revived, Alex knows this will be his last day, so he immediately calls up his friends to tell them what happened, expecting to get a hero’s farewell as he spends his last day with them. But when some of the things he did to protect Suncrest accidentally slip out, the betrayed team leaves him to die alone. Last to leave is Abri, whose usual compassion and kindness is replaced by a cold indifference, causing Alex more hurt than any physical pain ever could.

 

With his last day drawing to a close and having lost everything to protect Suncrest and learn its unsolved secret, Alex decides to burn down the building in a selfish attempt to end the phenomenon. Knowing that leaving the home will kill him, Alex looks back at the burning building and steps outside in one final act of defiance, ending his life on his own time. 



#7 D. Thomas Clark

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Posted 31 August 2016 - 10:36 PM

Egh, accidental double post. Ignore this one.



#8 dmsimone

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Posted 04 September 2016 - 04:11 PM

Hi there - my comments are in blue, below. I would appreciate it if you would look at my synopsis in return, when you have a chance :)

 

I mainly tried to tighten up the sentences where I thought it appropriate. You've got some really long sentences - try to break those up. It would make it much easier to read.

 

Be careful with the grammar. You consistently confuse "who" and "that". I corrected. For your reference, use who when you're describing a person, and that when you're describing an object. If you confused them in your synopsis, you probably confused them in your query and MS...so check those too.

 

 

 

Sounds like such a great story - with some strong themes and messages.

 

When I started making some revisions, it ended up being short enough that I'll probably just send this version to everyone. Or something resembling this...

 

Resident Manager ALEX CARMICHAEL thought his job at Suncrest Adult Family Home wouldn’t last long. But 30 years later, it’s too late for the coarse Scottish immigrant to move on, because today is his last day to live. What a great beginning! As he struggles to leave a legacy behind, Alex starts thinking thinks about the past where when he learned that the home is lags one a day behind the rest of the world—when it’s Wednesday outside it’s Tuesday inside—and anything brought inside shifts back 24 hours as long as it stays inside; even the dead come back to life. This is so cool! Great idea!

As soon as he discovers the anomaly, Alex knows it would be abused in the wrong hands and vows to keep it a secret with the help of ABRI MERWE, a compassionate nurse and immigrant from South Africa that Alex had a crush on from the moment he interviewed her. Very, very long sentence. Suggest to break this sentence up. Abri’s first thought desire is to use the place to help people, so the two decide to give people you just used this word...so maybe be more specific, like cancer patients at the local hospital one last day to say goodbye to friends and family.

 

However, neither of them can find a way to get bring people to Suncrest without drawing suspicion. , so Alex asks his friend at the hospital for his help. After some success, the three find out they realize there’s more to Suncrest than they thought, so and decide to bring in Abri’s best friend, a student physicist, to help figure out understand the phenomenon. Together, the teams they searches for someone that  an individual who dies suddenly dies within the last 24 hours so they can bring them her back to before the event ever happened. , but With gunshots and physical accidents ruled out, everyone draws a blank on finding this ideal candidate.

 

As more people get this extra day Does this mean they starting bringing people in?, Alex struggles to keep Suncrest’s power a secret. and He does things to protect it he never would have considered before. Thinking about all these things nearly draws Alex into ending his last day early, until he remembers all of the people he—or rather, Abri—helped, such as a gruff father who reconciles with his estranged daughter, a young girl that wanted her bickering, divorced parents to stop fighting for one day, and even a resident of the senior home itself whose extreme dementia mysteriously vanished during her revival. This is a very long sentence! How about: Preoccupied, Alex nearly ends his last day early, until he remembers everyone her - or rather, Abri - have helped. A gruff father was able to reconcile with his estranged daughter. A young girl requested for her bickering, divorced parents to stop fighting for one day. Most poignant, a resident of the senior home had recovered from extreme dementia during her revival.

 

Or something like that.

 

Alex eventually realizes that the there is one kind of person they’ve been searching for who dies every day in hospitals all around the world: overdoses victims. Immediately, they bring in a young girl that who killed herself, hoping to take her backreturn her to a time before she took the pills. When she lives days beyond her original time of death, Alex thinks he’s found a grand purpose for Suncrest; that is until the girl steps outside and falls dead again, right in front of Alex’s boss.

 

Abri takes the tragedy as a warning not to abuse the miracle they already have. She reminds everyone how they saw a resident’s dementia vanish and convinces them to focus Suncrest on memory care studies instead. Outnumbered, Alex vents to his boss who wants to help, but in a way Alex thinks would do more harm than good. The two argue and during the struggle, Alex is accidentally killed outside. That must have been some argument! What a terrible accident!   

 

When he’s revived (of course he is!), Alex knows this will be his last day., so He immediately calls up his friends to tell them what happened, expecting to get a hero’s farewell as he spends his last day with them. But when some of the things he did to protect Suncrest accidentally slip out, the betrayed team leaves him to die alone. What! No! Last to leave is Abri, whose usual compassion and kindness is replaced by a cold indifference, causing Alex more hurt than any physical pain ever could. This is quite a leap from the characters you introduced. Is what Alex revealed to his friends really that terrible?

 

With his last day drawing to a close and having lost everything to protect Suncrest and learn its unsolved secret, Alex decides to burn down the building in a selfish attempt to end the phenomenon. Knowing that leaving the home will kill him, Alex looks back at the burning building and steps outside in one final act of defiance, ending his life on his own time.  Powerful story!



#9 D. Thomas Clark

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Posted 05 September 2016 - 12:55 AM

Poopy buttmuncher. I forgot to update the original post and sent you to the wrong one. Thankfully, a lot of it was the same, so a lot of your feedback still helped a lot! As for who vs that... Yeah, I've been writing in 1st person for so long and purposefully altered the grammar for the manuscript that I forgot about some of the rules. Good catch.

 

At the end, yeah, what Alex did is pretty terrible, but when I was specific before it was unanimous to take them out, including from agents who looked at it. And since this is when the reader actually finds out about these things, I can't introduce them earlier. Do you think this will be a problem? Whoever needs this needs to know that Alex is spending his last day alone.



#10 D. Thomas Clark

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Posted 05 September 2016 - 04:16 PM

I think this version covers everything. Unless there's something that's really confusing, I'll probably go with it and see how it works.

 

Resident Manager ALEX CARMICHAEL (POV) thought his job at Suncrest Adult Family Home wouldn’t last long. But 30 years later, it’s too late for the coarse Scottish immigrant to move on, because today is his last day to live. As he struggles to leave a legacy behind, Alex starts thinking about the past when he learned that the home is a day behind the rest of the world—when it’s Wednesday outside it’s Tuesday inside—and anything brought inside shifts back 24 hours as long as it stays inside; even the dead come back to life.

 

As soon as Alex put the clues together—a rotten apple becoming crisp and fresh, a resident springing back to life after 20 minutes of failed CPR and the digital calendars showing yesterday’s date—he knows it would be abused in the wrong hands and vows to keep it a secret. He entrusts this secret to ABRI MERWE, a compassionate nurse and immigrant from South Africa that Alex had a crush on since he interviewed her. Together, the two decide to use it  to give people at the local hospital one last day to say goodbye to friends and family.

 

However, neither of them can find a way to bring people to Suncrest without drawing suspicion, so Alex asks his friend at the hospital for his help. After some success, the three find out there’s more to Suncrest than they thought, such as physical injuries not shifting back.  To help figure out the phenomenon,they also bring in Abri’s best friend, a student physicist. He suggests searching for someone that suddenly dies in 24 hours so the team can bring the person back to before the event ever happened, but with physical deaths ruled out, everyone draws a blank on finding this ideal candidate.

 

As more people get this extra day, Alex struggles to keep Suncrest’s power a secret, and does things to protect it he never would have considered before, including not reporting a caregiver’s negligence that resulted in a resident’s death. Thinking about all these things nearly draws Alex into ending his last day early, until he remembers all of the people he—or rather, Abri—helped. These individuals include gruff father who reconciles with his estranged daughter, a young girl that wanted her bickering, divorced parents to stop fighting for one day, and even a resident of the senior home itself whose severe dementia mysteriously vanished during her revival.

 

Alex eventually realizes there is one kind of person who dies every day in hospitals all around the world; overdose victims. Immediately, they bring in a young girl who killed herself, hoping to take her back to a time before she took the pills. When she lives days beyond her original time of death, Alex thinks he’s found a grand purpose for Suncrest. That purpose is crushed when the girl steps outside and falls dead again, right in front of Alex’s boss.

 

Once Alex explains what’s happening, his boss immediately wants to help, but in a way Alex thinks would do more harm than good. His boss is insistent and when Alex fails to talk him down, Alex tries to stop his friend but is accidentally killed in the exchange.

 

When he’s revived, Alex knows this will be his last day. He immediately calls up his friends to tell them what happened, expecting to get a hero’s farewell as he spends his last day with them. But when some of the things he did to protect Suncrest accidentally slip out, the betrayed team leaves him to die alone. Last to leave is Abri, whose usual compassion and kindness is replaced by a cold indifference, causing Alex more hurt than any physical pain ever could.

 

With his last day drawing to a close and having lost everything to protect Suncrest and learn its unsolved secret, Alex decides to burn down the building in a selfish attempt to end the phenomenon. Knowing that leaving the home will kill him, Alex looks back at the burning building and steps outside in one final act of defiance, ending his life on his own time. 



#11 dmsimone

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Posted 05 September 2016 - 09:41 PM

OK...looks like post #10 is your latest and greatest? That's the one I'm going to review....



#12 dmsimone

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Posted 05 September 2016 - 09:55 PM

Round #2!

1. I noticed you put (POV) after Alex's name....are we supposed to do that for POV characters? My first chapter is in a fathers POV, but all the rest of the chapters are in a daughters POV...

2. I again changed your that's to who's :)

 

I would also read this - sounds like there is more resolution and answers in the novel than in the synopsis. But that is good...it means the synopsis is working - it's suppose to entice me to want to read your MS>

 

I think this version covers everything. Unless there's something that's really confusing, I'll probably go with it and see how it works.

 

Resident Manager ALEX CARMICHAEL (POV) thought his job at Suncrest Adult Family Home wouldn’t last long. But 30 years later, it’s too late for the coarse Scottish immigrant to move on, because today is his last day to live. As he struggles to leave a legacy behind, Alex starts thinking about the past when he learned that the home is a day behind the rest of the world—when it’s Wednesday outside it’s Tuesday inside—and anything brought inside shifts back 24 hours as long as it stays inside; even the dead come back to life. I am still loving this concept!

 

As soon as Alex puts (the whole synopsis should be in present tense) the clues together—a rotten apple becoming crisp and fresh, a resident springing back to life after 20 minutes of failed CPR, and the digital calendars showing yesterday’s the previous day's date—he knows it would be abused in the wrong hands and vows to keep it a secret. He entrusts this secret to ABRI MERWE, a compassionate nurse and immigrant from South Africa that who Alex had a crush on since he interviewed her. Together, the two decide to use it  to give people at the local hospital one last day to say goodbye to friends and family. 

 

However, neither of them can find a way to bring people to Suncrest without drawing suspicion, so Alex asks his friend at the hospital for his help. After some success, the three find out there’s more to Suncrest than they thought, such as physical injuries not shifting back.  To help figure out the phenomenon, add a space after the comma they also bring in Abri’s best friend, a student physicist. He suggests searching for someone that suddenly dies in 24 hours "in 24 hours" still sounds weird to me so the team can bring the person back to before the event ever happened, but with physical deaths ruled out, everyone draws a blank on finding this ideal candidate.

 

As more people get this extra day, Alex struggles to keep Suncrest’s power a secret, and does things to protect it he never would have considered before, including not reporting a caregiver’s negligence that resulted in a resident’s death. Thinking about all these things nearly draws Alex into ending his last day early you are suggesting he will commit suicide?, until he remembers all of the people he—or rather, Abri—helped. These individuals include a gruff father who reconciles with his estranged daughter, a young girl that who wanted her bickering, divorced parents to stop fighting for one day, and even a resident of the senior home itself whose severe dementia mysteriously vanished during her revival.

 

Alex eventually realizes there is one kind of person who dies every day in hospitals all around the world; I would use a colon here, not a semicolon overdose victims. Immediately, they bring in a young girl who killed herself, hoping to take her back to a time before she took the pills. When she lives days beyond her original time of death, Alex thinks he’s found a grand purpose for Suncrest. That purpose is crushed when the girl steps outside and falls dead again, right in front of Alex’s boss.

 

Once Alex explains what’s happening, his boss immediately wants to help, but in a way Alex thinks would do more harm than good. His boss is insistent and when Alex fails to talk him down, Alex tries to stop his friend but is accidentally killed in the exchange.

 

When he’s revived, Alex knows this will be his last day. He immediately calls up his friends to tell them what happened, expecting to get a hero’s farewell as he spends his last day with them. But when some of the things he did to protect Suncrest accidentally slip out, the betrayed team leaves him to die alone. Last to leave is Abri, whose usual compassion and kindness is replaced by a cold indifference, causing Alex more hurt than any physical pain ever could. Abri's change in demeanor confuses me still - is what Alex did  - what he let slip - really so awful?

 

With his last day drawing to a close and having lost everything to protect Suncrest and learn its unsolved secret, Alex decides to burn down the building in a selfish attempt to end the phenomenon. Knowing that leaving the home will kill him, Alex looks back at the burning building and steps outside in one final act of defiance, ending his life on his own time. 



#13 D. Thomas Clark

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Posted 06 September 2016 - 12:21 PM

Oh, I'm not sure about the POV thing. I've seen it in some and not in others, and I'd taken it out but I guess I hadn't in the Word file. I think it's assumed that the first person to show up is the protagonist.

 

I think you might be right about the end part with Abri. I see how my wording seemed like a drastic change for Abri, so I updated this to reflect her demeanor better. I think it's more accurate this way anyway.

 

Resident Manager ALEX CARMICHAEL thought his job at Suncrest Adult Family Home wouldn’t last long. But 30 years later, it’s too late for the coarse Scottish immigrant to move on, because today is his last day to live. As he struggles to leave a legacy behind, Alex starts thinking about the past when he learned that the home is a day behind the rest of the world—when it’s Wednesday outside it’s Tuesday inside—and anything brought inside shifts back 24 hours as long as it stays inside; even the dead come back to life.

 

As soon as Alex puts the clues together—a rotten apple becoming crisp and fresh, a resident springing back to life after 20 minutes of failed CPR and the digital calendars showing yesterday’s date—he knows it would be abused in the wrong hands and vows to keep it a secret. He entrusts this secret to ABRI MERWE, a compassionate nurse and immigrant from South Africa who Alex had a crush on since he interviewed her. Together, the two decide to use it to give people at the local hospital one last day to say goodbye to friends and family.

 

However, neither of them can find a way to bring people to Suncrest without drawing suspicion, so Alex asks his friend at the hospital for his help. After some success, the three find out there’s more to Suncrest than they thought, such as physical injuries not shifting back. To help figure out the phenomenon, they also bring in Abri’s best friend, a student physicist. He suggests searching for someone that suddenly dies in 24 hours so the team can bring the person back to before the event ever happened, but with physical deaths ruled out, everyone draws a blank on finding this ideal candidate.

 

As more people get this extra day, Alex struggles to keep Suncrest’s power a secret, and does things to protect it he never would have considered before, including not reporting a caregiver’s negligence that resulted in a resident’s death. Thinking about all these things nearly draws Alex into ending his last day early until he remembers all of the people he—or rather, Abri—helped. These individuals include gruff father who reconciles with his estranged daughter, a young girl that wanted her bickering, divorced parents to stop fighting for one day, and even a resident of the senior home itself whose severe dementia mysteriously vanished during her revival.

 

Alex eventually realizes there is one kind of person who dies every day in hospitals all around the world: overdose victims. Immediately, they bring in a young girl who killed herself, hoping to take her back to a time before she took the pills. When she lives days beyond her original time of death, Alex thinks he’s found a grand purpose for Suncrest. That purpose is crushed when the girl steps outside and falls dead again, right in front of Alex’s boss.

 

Once Alex explains what’s happening, his boss immediately wants to help, but in a way Alex thinks would do more harm than good. His boss is insistent and when Alex fails to talk him down, Alex tries to stop his friend but is accidentally killed in the exchange.

 

When he’s revived, Alex knows this will be his last day. He immediately calls up his friends to tell them what happened, expecting to get a hero’s farewell as he spends his last day with them. But when some of the things he did to protect Suncrest accidentally slip out, the betrayed team leaves him to die alone. Abri volunteers to stay behind, but when Alex sees the pain in her eyes he pushes her away, unable to hurt the woman he loves any more than he already has.  

 

With his last day drawing to a close and having lost everything to protect Suncrest and learn its unsolved secret, Alex decides to burn down the building in a selfish attempt to end the phenomenon. Knowing that leaving the home will kill him, Alex looks back at the burning building and steps outside in one final act of defiance, ending his life on his own time. 



#14 christophertwoolf

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Posted 06 September 2016 - 04:32 PM

Oh, I'm not sure about the POV thing. I've seen it in some and not in others, and I'd taken it out but I guess I hadn't in the Word file. I think it's assumed that the first person to show up is the protagonist.

 

I think you might be right about the end part with Abri. I see how my wording seemed like a drastic change for Abri, so I updated this to reflect her demeanor better. I think it's more accurate this way anyway.

 

Sorry this took so long, but I'm going to give this my absolute best attention. Again, my suggestions are only that. Anything in blue is a recommendation, and red are my thoughts.

 

Resident Manager ALEX CARMICHAEL thought viewed his job at Suncrest Adult Family Home a temporary fling/gig/stint. wouldn’t last long. But Now 30 years later, it’s too late for the coarse Scottish immigrant to move on, because today is his last day to live. Wait, why? Just a thought, may be answered soon. As he struggles to leave a legacy behind, Alex starts thinking This part is super clunky -> about the past when he learned that the home is a day behind the rest of the world maybe: Alex remembers learning how the home is a day behind reality...something along those lines. How you have it now is tough.when if (You already have 'when' in this sentence) it’s Wednesday outside it’s Tuesday inside—and anything brought inside shifts back 24 hours as long as it stays inside Second 'inside' in one sentence. Personally I would get rid of the whole bolded part here.; even the dead come back to life. This is good here.

 

This is where you lost me. Is he putting the clues together now? Or is this 30 years ago? Way you have it written makes it seem as if he's putting the clues together right now, after all his time there. As soon as Alex puts the clues togethera rotten apple becoming crisp and fresh, a resident springing back to life after 20 minutes of failed CPR and the digital calendars showing yesterday’s date I really think you only need one example here. Especially the second example is way too long and slows the rhythmhe knows it would be abused in the wrong hands and vows to keep it a secret. Though I'm still not sure if this is past/present, I do believe it would work better swapped. Maybe: ...vows to hide the secret, knowing the abuse such a power would sustain. He entrusts this secret to ABRI MERWE, a compassionate nurse and immigrant from South Africa who Alex had a crush on since he interviewed her ​I don't like how this is worded, but I can't figure out the right way to do it. Together, the two decide to use it to give people at the local hospital one last day to say goodbye to friends and family. ​the two decide to grant grieving (mourning) families at the hospital a final chance to say goodbye to loved ones.

 

However, since neither of them can find a way to bring attract/lure people to Suncrest without drawing suspicion, so Alex seeks help from a friend at the hospital. asks his friend at the hospital for his help. After some success What success?, the three find out there’s more to Suncrest than expected/believed when physical injuries don't shift back/recover/heal. they thought , such as physical injuries not shifting back. To help figure out the phenomenon I wouldn't say figure out. Maybe understand? Also, phenomenon isn't the word I'd use either. , they also bring in Abri’s best friend, a student physicist. ​Word of warning, this is the second person without a name. I don't know if that's a suggested practice in a synopsis. If they're super crucial, name them. If not, cut them. Trust me, in my own synopsis I left out four characters that are technically crucial to the story. He For instance, this he leads us unsure who is suggesting. suggests searching for someone that suddenly dies in 24 hours so the team can bring the person back to before the event ever happened, but with physical deaths ruled out, everyone draws a blank on finding this ideal candidate. 

 

Okay, the last sentence is where I have to stop. The concept is definitely interesting, no question about that, but this synopsis definitely needs fine tuning, and unfortunately I don't have all the time I need to really help the way I want to. If I can, I will be back to finish this post up, but right now I have to pause.

 

As more people get this extra day, Alex struggles to keep Suncrest’s power a secret, and does things to protect it he never would have considered before, including not reporting a caregiver’s negligence that resulted in a resident’s death. Thinking about all these things nearly draws Alex into ending his last day early until he remembers all of the people he—or rather, Abri—helped. These individuals include gruff father who reconciles with his estranged daughter, a young girl that wanted her bickering, divorced parents to stop fighting for one day, and even a resident of the senior home itself whose severe dementia mysteriously vanished during her revival.

 

Alex eventually realizes there is one kind of person who dies every day in hospitals all around the world: overdose victims. Immediately, they bring in a young girl who killed herself, hoping to take her back to a time before she took the pills. When she lives days beyond her original time of death, Alex thinks he’s found a grand purpose for Suncrest. That purpose is crushed when the girl steps outside and falls dead again, right in front of Alex’s boss.

 

Once Alex explains what’s happening, his boss immediately wants to help, but in a way Alex thinks would do more harm than good. His boss is insistent and when Alex fails to talk him down, Alex tries to stop his friend but is accidentally killed in the exchange.

 

When he’s revived, Alex knows this will be his last day. He immediately calls up his friends to tell them what happened, expecting to get a hero’s farewell as he spends his last day with them. But when some of the things he did to protect Suncrest accidentally slip out, the betrayed team leaves him to die alone. Abri volunteers to stay behind, but when Alex sees the pain in her eyes he pushes her away, unable to hurt the woman he loves any more than he already has.  

 

With his last day drawing to a close and having lost everything to protect Suncrest and learn its unsolved secret, Alex decides to burn down the building in a selfish attempt to end the phenomenon. Knowing that leaving the home will kill him, Alex looks back at the burning building and steps outside in one final act of defiance, ending his life on his own time. 


Christopher T. Woolf

christophertwoolf@gmail.com

 

Brand new to LA from NY! Working on a new thriller, so no query to critique yet.

Hope you return the help when mine is ready!

 

Query: http://agentquerycon...sed-5/?p=327091

Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...er/#entry327479

 


#15 elizabethph

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Posted 06 September 2016 - 11:22 PM

Resident Manager ALEX CARMICHAEL thought his job at Suncrest Adult Family Home wouldn’t last long. But 30 years later, it’s too late for the coarse Scottish immigrant to move on, because today is his last day to live. (Love this opening!) As he struggles to leave a legacy behind, Alex starts thinking about the past when he learned that the home is a day behind the rest of the world—when it’s Wednesday outside it’s Tuesday inside—and anything brought inside shifts back 24 hours as long as it stays inside; even the dead come back to life. This sentence is a little bit too long - maybe split in two?

 

As soon as Alex puts the clues together—a rotten apple becoming crisp and fresh, a resident springing back to life after 20 minutes of failed CPR and the digital calendars showing yesterday’s date—he knows it would be abused in the wrong hands and vows to keep it a secret. He entrusts this secret to ABRI MERWE, a compassionate nurse and immigrant from South Africa who Alex had a crush on since he interviewed her. Together, the two decide to use it to give people at the local hospital one last day to say goodbye to friends and family.

 

However, neither of them can find a way to bring people to Suncrest without drawing suspicion, so Alex asks his friend at the hospital for his help. After some success, the three find out there’s more to Suncrest than they thought, such astthere are limitations to Suncrest's power, as physical injuries do not shift back.  To help figure out the phenomenon, they also bring in Abri’s best friend, a student physicist. He suggests searching for someone that suddenly dies in 24 hours so the team can bring the person back to before the event ever happened, but with physical deaths ruled out, everyone draws a blank on finding this ideal candidate. I think this might go better as two sentences as well.

 

As more people get this extra day, Alex struggles to keep Suncrest’s power a secret, and does things to protect it he never would have considered before, including not reporting a caregiver’s negligence that resulted in a resident’s death. Thinking about all these things nearly draws Alex into ending his last day early until he remembers all of the people he—or rather, Abri—helped. These individuals include gruff father who reconciles with his estranged daughter, a young girl that wanted her bickering, divorced parents to stop fighting for one day, and even a resident of the senior home itself whose severe dementia mysteriously vanished during her revival.

 

Alex eventually realizes there is one kind of person who dies every day in hospitals all around the world: overdose victims. Immediately, they bring in a young girl who killed herself, hoping to take her back to a time before she took the pills. When she lives days beyond her original time of death, Alex thinks he’s found a grand purpose for Suncrest. That purpose is crushed when the girl steps outside and falls dead again, right in front of Alex’s boss.

 

Once Alex explains what’s happening, his boss immediately wants to help, but in a way Alex thinks would do more harm than good. His boss is insistent and when Alex fails to talk him down, Alex tries to stop his friend but is accidentally killed in the exchange. This jumps from his boss having good intentions to Alex being killed - it seems jarring.

 

When he’s revived, Alex knows this will be his last day. He immediately calls up his friends to tell them what happened, expecting to get a hero’s farewell as he spends his last day with them. But when some of the things he did to protect Suncrest accidentally slip out, the betrayed team leaves him to die alone. What was so selfish that his friends leave him on his deathbed? Alex comes off as a good guy who is trying to do right. Abri volunteers to stay behind, but when Alex sees the pain in her eyes he pushes her away, unable to hurt the woman he loves any more than he already has.  Does she return his feelings? I'm not clear on that. 

 

With his last day drawing to a close and having lost everything to protect Suncrest and learn its unsolved secret, Alex decides to burn down the building in a selfish attempt to end the phenomenon. Knowing that leaving the home will kill him, Alex looks back at the burning building and steps outside in one final act of defiance, ending his life on his own time. I think Alex needs more motivation to get to this point somehow woven in - I had a very different impression of his personality and character in the beginning and end of the synopsis. 



#16 dmsimone

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Posted 07 September 2016 - 04:10 PM

OK I'm excited to look at this....

 

 

 

Oh, I'm not sure about the POV thing. I've seen it in some and not in others, and I'd taken it out but I guess I hadn't in the Word file. I think it's assumed that the first person to show up is the protagonist.

 

I think you might be right about the end part with Abri. I see how my wording seemed like a drastic change for Abri, so I updated this to reflect her demeanor better. I think it's more accurate this way anyway.

 

Resident Manager ALEX CARMICHAEL thought his job at Suncrest Adult Family Home wouldn’t last long. But 30 years later, it’s too late for the coarse Scottish immigrant to move on, because today is his last day to live. As he struggles to leave a legacy behind, Alex starts thinking about the past when he learned that the home is a day behind the rest of the world—when it’s Wednesday outside it’s Tuesday inside—and anything brought inside shifts back 24 hours as long as it stays inside; even the dead come back to life. Yup, still strong.

 

As soon as Alex puts the clues together—a rotten apple becoming crisp and fresh, a resident springing back to life after 20 minutes of failed CPR and the digital calendars showing yesterday’s date—he knows it the Home (just because I want to make sure the reader knows what "it" is) would be abused in the wrong hands and vows to keep it a secret. He entrusts this secret to ABRI MERWE, a compassionate nurse and immigrant from South Africa who Alex had a crush on since he interviewed her. Together, the two decide to use it to give people at the local hospital one last day to say goodbye to friends and family. Just the one petty comment about it...otherwise good.

 

However, neither of them can find a way to bring people to Suncrest without drawing suspicion, so Alex asks his friend at the hospital for his help. After some success, the three find out there’s more to Suncrest than they thought, such as physical injuries not shifting back. To help figure out the phenomenon, they also bring in Abri’s best friend, a student physicist. He suggests searching for someone that suddenly dies in 24 hours so the team can bring the person back to before the event ever happened, but with physical deaths ruled out, everyone draws a blank on finding this ideal candidate. This last sentence is kind of long because there are several actions in it...(suggestion, dies, bring back, rules out, draws a blanks). It might be a style preference, but it has a lot going on.

 

As more people get this extra day, Just realized, at the end of the previous paragraph they are struggling to figure out how to find a candidate...but then we are talking about more and more folks getting an extra day. I think you need a transition sentence here. Alex struggles to keep Suncrest’s power a secret, and does things to protect it he never would have considered before, including not reporting a caregiver’s negligence that resulted in a resident’s death. Thinking about all these things nearly draws  compels (I like this word a little better) Alex into ending to end his last day early until he remembers all of the people he—or rather, Abri—helped. These individuals include gruff father who reconciles with his estranged daughter, a young girl that wanted her bickering, divorced parents to stop fighting for one day, and even a resident of the senior home itself whose severe dementia mysteriously vanished during her revival. For the sake of brevity, I'm not sure you need this last sentence in the paragraph.

 

Alex eventually realizes there is one kind of person who dies every day in hospitals all around the world: overdose victims. Immediately, they bring in a young girl who killed herself, hoping to take her back to a time before she took the pills. Isn't this implied? When she lives days beyond her original time of death, Alex thinks he’s found a grand purpose for Suncrest. That purpose is crushed when the girl steps outside and falls dead again, right in front of Alex’s boss.

 

Once Alex explains what’s happening, his boss immediately wants to help, but in a way Alex thinks would do more harm than good. His boss is insistent and when Alex fails to talk him down, Alex tries to stop his friend but (not sure if you need this) is accidentally killed in the exchange.

 

When he’s revived, Alex knows this will be his last day. He immediately calls up his friends to tell them what happened, expecting to get a hero’s farewell as he spends his last day with them. But when some of the things he did to protect Suncrest accidentally slip out, the betrayed team leaves him to die alone. Abri volunteers to stay behind, but when Alex sees the pain in her eyes he pushes her away, unable to hurt the woman he loves any more than he already has. Oh wow this is SO MUCH better!  

 

With his last day drawing to a close and having lost everything to protect Suncrest and learn its unsolved secret, Alex decides to burns down the building in a selfish attempt to end the phenomenon. Knowing that leaving the home will kill him, Alex looks back at the burning building and steps outside in one final act of defiance, ending his life on his own time. 






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