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Red Eyed Daniel (I hate this query ><)


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#1 Nonicks

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Posted 22 August 2016 - 04:14 AM

PLEASE HELP ME GET THIS QUERY RIGHT AND SEE THE LATEST REVISION ON POST #113

 

Dear Agent,

 

Daniel Venture is a fourteen-year-old loner with a rare blister condition ruining his life. After refusing an eerie doctor’s offer to be treated in an unfamiliar clinic specializing in his condition, Daniel finds out that his mother has been kidnapped. He suspects the doctor, who confirms his surmise, but now charges a steep price for him to see his mother: she wants his eyes. Daniel agrees.

 

After undergoing an eye procedure that provides him robotic red eyes, Daniel wakes up in a mysterious parallel universe haunted by demons. There, on his way to becoming a Detraz warrior – his only way to defeat the demoness who kidnapped his Mom – he studies parapsychology and gains friends on his journey to find and bring back home his mother. 

 

Combining elements of mystery, RED EYED DANIEL is a YA sci-fi, complete at 100,000 words. It is a stand alone with series potential.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

------

I don't like the word in bold, but I couldn't think of a better fit. Any suggestions? 

 

​Any critique will be very much appreciated!



#2 A.M.Rose

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Posted 22 August 2016 - 09:17 AM

My comments below in green.

 

Dear Agent,

 

Daniel Venture is a fourteen-year-old loner with a rare blister condition ruining his life. After refusing an eerie doctor’s offer to be treated in an unfamiliar clinic specializing in his condition, (This made me pause. If this condition is ruining his life why would he refuse treatment?)  Daniel finds out that his mother has been kidnapped. (Wow... that was unexpected. Is there anyway to transition into this? It seems to come out of the blue.)  He suspects the doctor, who confirms his surmise, but now charges a steep price for him to see his mother: she wants his eyes. Daniel agrees. (Again, this leaves me questioning... Why does he suspect the doctor? Why does the doctor want his eye? Why doesn't Daniel go to the police? Why does he agree? A few questions are good, but too many just gets overwhelming.) 

 

After undergoing an eye procedure that provides him robotic red eyes, Daniel wakes up in a mysterious parallel universe haunted by demons. (Again this seems out of the blue. How does this happen? )There, on his way to becoming a Detraz warrior – his only way to defeat the demoness who kidnapped his Mom ​(So the doctor is a demon?) – he studies parapsychology and gains friends on his journey to find and bring back home his mother. (You just told me the ending... they all lived happily ever after. In a query you don't tell the ending.) 

 

We need to know who your MC is, what they want, what stands in their way, and what happens if they don't get it. (the stakes). 

 

Combining elements of mystery, RED EYED DANIEL is a YA sci-fi, complete at 100,000 words. It is a stand alone with series potential. (Including comp titles will show you know your market. Consider adding one.) 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

------

I don't like the word in bold, but I couldn't think of a better fit. Any suggestions? 

 

​Any critique will be very much appreciated!

 

Best of luck to you.


A.M.Rose

 

Road to Eugenica available from Entangled Teen February 2018

 

Not Innocent available from Entangled Teen Spring 2019

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


#3 brandonmthompson_

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Posted 22 August 2016 - 02:19 PM

 My comments are below in blue. 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Daniel Venture is a fourteen-year-old loner with a rare blister condition ruining his life. After refusing an eerie doctor’s offer to be treated in an unfamiliar clinic specializing in his condition (Same note as before, if this condition is ruining his life why is he refusing a treatment even if it's unfamiliar?), Daniel finds out that his mother has been kidnapped (How? Why? This transition happens out of nowhere. If you're wanting this to be included in your query then maybe incorporate this somehow into your hook.) He suspects the doctor (Why?), who confirms his surmise (Don't give it all away too soon. Remeber you need to leave a cliffhanger for your query and if this is a twist, cliffhanger, etc. for the novel you will want to find another way of incorporating it.), but now charges a steep price for him to see his mother: she wants his eyes. Daniel agrees.

 

After undergoing an eye procedure that provides him robotic red eyes, Daniel wakes up in a mysterious parallel universe haunted by demons (This for me is a little confusing. As a reader, do the eyes just reveal the parallel universe? Or is he actually transported there? And if he's transported, how does he get there. I'm confused because in order to be transported something had to transport him there: magic, teleportation, scientific device,etc. You will want to also include the name of this universe) . There, on his way to becoming a Detraz warrior (explain the significance of this warrior.)– his only way to defeat the demoness (I thought it was a doctor? And why did they kidnap his mom?) who kidnapped his Mom – he studies parapsychology and gains friends on his journey to find and bring back home his mother. (Don't reveal too much.)

 

Combining elements of mystery, RED-EYED DANIEL is a YA sci-fi (novel), complete at 100,000 words (This is a lot for a YA novel, you may want to consider cutting it down a little). It is a stand alone with series potential.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

------

I don't like the word in bold, but I couldn't think of a better fit. Any suggestions? 

 

​Any critique will be very much appreciated!

 

Your story sounds interesting. You want to make everything in your query tie together, and not leave your reader or agent asking too many questions. Make sure that when you introduce a character, plot key, etc. that you explain it enough so that no one will have questions. You also need to introduce what is at stake for you MC because I can't determine it by reading your query. Read over your query and identify what is the main plot that you want to introduce to the agent because including too many subplots (parapsychology and gaining friends) can be confusing. 

 

I hope this was helpful!



#4 Nonicks

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Posted 23 August 2016 - 02:20 PM

Thank you for your comments, they were very helpful. I'll think how to improve it.



#5 Nonicks

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Posted 23 August 2016 - 03:48 PM

Dear Agent,

 

Daniel Venture is a fourteen-year-old loner with a rare blister condition ruining his life. He meets an eerie doctor who offers him a treatment in an unfamiliar clinic specializing in his condition. While talking to the doctor about the treatment, Daniel gets the impression that she knows his loving mother and wants to lure her somewhere. He can’t let that happen. After finishing abruptly the conversation he goes home and discovers that his mother has never got back from work, and every record of her working there is gone. Since no one seems to remember her, Daniel feels that he is the one who has to save her, and returns to the doctor for answers. But now the doctor charges a steep price for him to see his mother: she wants his eyes. Daniel agrees.

 

 

 

After being found by a nice scientist willing to operate and provide him with new robotic red eyes, Daniel wakes up in a mysterious parallel universe haunted by demons. There, on his way to becoming a Detraz warrior – his only way to defeat the doctor who kidnapped his Mom – he studies parapsychology and gains friends on his journey to find and bring back home his mother. 

 

 

Will he find her before the demons keeping her alive become bored and kill her?

 

 

 

Combining elements of mystery, RED EYED DANIEL is a YA sci-fi novel, complete at 100,000 words. It is a stand alone with series potential.



#6 BWretched

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Posted 23 August 2016 - 06:38 PM

 

Dear Agent,

 

Daniel Venture is a fourteen-year-old loner with a rare blister condition (A fictional one?) ruining his life. He meets an eerie (This word is off-putting to me because it's usually used with inanimate objects. It threw me off) doctor who offers him a treatment in an unfamiliar clinic specializing in his condition. While talking to the doctor about the treatment, Daniel gets the impression that she knows his loving mother and wants to lure her somewhere. (This sentence is dragging and strange. Read the first three sentences out loud. Flow is off. They don't connect very well.)He can’t let that happen. (Why?) After finishing abruptly the conversation After abruptly finishing the conversation, (Also, I thought he was going in for treatment?) he goes home and discovers that his mother has never got back returned from work, and every record of her working there is gone. (Disjointed sentences. The 'and' has to connect with the intro as well "After finishing abruptly the conversation he goes home and discovers every record of her working there is gone" is very choppy) Since no one seems to remember her, Daniel feels that he is the one who has to save her, (Save her from what?) and he returns  goes back to the doctor for answers. But now the doctor charges a steep price for him to see his mother: she wants his eyes. Daniel agrees. (This makes no sense. Is this supposed to be related to the blister condition?)

 

 

 

After being found by a nice scientist (How did we get here?) willing to operate and provide him with new robotic red eyes (Why are they doing that?), Daniel wakes up in a mysterious parallel universe haunted by demons. There, on his way to becoming a Detraz warrior (A what?)– his only way to defeat the doctor who kidnapped his Mom (Why did that happen?) – he studies parapsychology and gains friends on his journey to find and bring back home his mother. 

 

 

Will he find her before the demons keeping her alive become bored and kill her? (Don't ask questions in queries. 9 out of 10 times they fall flat. http://bookendslitag...questions.html)

 

 

 

Combining elements of mystery, RED EYED DANIEL is a YA sci-fi novel with mystery elements, complete at 100,000 words. It is a stand alone with series potential. (Yup)

 

 

Main issues:

-adjective abuse

-disjointed sentences that ruin flow/cadence

-poor grammar/sentence structure

 

With all of that fixed, the plot is very vague and nonsensical as written. I don't see why you're mentioning Daniel going to see this doctor as that doesn't really seem to have any affect on the doctor kidnapping the mother, if it does, you haven't written it. Seems like you can just start directly at his mother being kidnapped. Also, I know Rose suggested a segue, but that's because you started with the condition then just jumped to the mother being kidnapped. That's jarring and doesn't flow. I mean something like "After obtaining treatment from a suspicious doctor, he finds that his mother his been kidnapped", but with word specific to what happens in your novel. Then I don't get why you mentioned blisters and how it then turned into robotic eyes later on? Or why this doctor wants Daniel's eyes. Then you just throw in demons, a parallel universe, and warriors. It's all very jarring for someone who hasn't read your story. Finally, aside from just wanting his mother back, I don't understand any of the motivations of any of the characters. I especially get no sense of Daniel and who he is. I think this has interesting aspects, but they're all pretty muddled by the writing and lack of clarity. A lot of the very good questions the others asked weren't answered in this revision still.


❤️

 


#7 Nonicks

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Posted 24 August 2016 - 02:14 AM

Main issues:

-adjective abuse

-disjointed sentences that ruin flow/cadence

-poor grammar/sentence structure

 

With all of that fixed, the plot is very vague and nonsensical as written. I don't see why you're mentioning Daniel going to see this doctor as that doesn't really seem to have any affect on the doctor kidnapping the mother, if it does, you haven't written it. Seems like you can just start directly at his mother being kidnapped. Also, I know Rose suggested a segue, but that's because you started with the condition then just jumped to the mother being kidnapped. That's jarring and doesn't flow. I mean something like "After obtaining treatment from a suspicious doctor, he finds that his mother his been kidnapped", but with word specific to what happens in your novel. Then I don't get why you mentioned blisters and how it then turned into robotic eyes later on? Or why this doctor wants Daniel's eyes. Then you just throw in demons, a parallel universe, and warriors. It's all very jarring for someone who hasn't read your story. Finally, aside from just wanting his mother back, I don't understand any of the motivations of any of the characters. I especially get no sense of Daniel and who he is. I think this has interesting aspects, but they're all pretty muddled by the writing and lack of clarity. A lot of the very good questions the others asked weren't answered in this revision still.

 

Thank you! Although now I'm absolutely lost. This is the flow of my novel - something happened and started a chain reaction. Where should I start to make it more clear? 



#8 Nonicks

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Posted 24 August 2016 - 12:03 PM

Okay, another try:

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Daniel Venture is a fourteen-year-old loner who discovers that a demon disguised as a doctor lured his mother into a parallel universe, haunted by demons. After being transported to that universe and seeing how mighty those creatures are, Daniel realizes that he doesn't know how to fight the demon who kidnapped his Mom. To gain knowledge and might he joins Detraz, a military academy, where he learns telekinesis, telepathy and ways to defeat demons.

 

Studying parapsychology with his new friends could actually be fun, but soon Daniel discovers that the powerful demon Azazel is pursuing the recreation of a diamond which grants its owner special powers - the very diamond his father was researching before Azazel murdered him. Daniel feels that his mother's disappearance is somehow connected to his father and the diamond, and he's determined to find the demon-doctor and the truth before it's too late for his Mom. 

 

Combining elements of mystery, RED EYED DANIEL is a YA sci-fi novel, complete at 100,000 words. It is a stand alone with series potential.

 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.



#9 maparizeau

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Posted 24 August 2016 - 02:13 PM

Hi Nomicks,

 

Here are my thoughts:

 

I get where you are going with it (Which actually is a good start ;) ) But some of the sentences are structured in a way where ideas are being mixed up. Now, this is what I understand in your story:

 

- Daniel Venture is your protagonist and he's 14 yrs old with a rare blister condition - What does that condition cause him?

- He sees a doctor and she seems more interested in his mother then his actual condition and there seems to be a connection with his dead father. - How did he find the doctor? What are the questions that she is asking?

- In the meantime, the mother is kidnapped after coming back from school, she never returned from the office, he suspects the doctor which in turn tells him that if Daniel wants to see his mother again, she needs his eyes. - What is his emotional state at this point when he confronts the doctor and were there any clues that confirmed is suspicions or was just that the doctor admitted to it? 

- After surgery, Daniel wakes up in a parallel universe haunted by Demons. - Who brought him here? If it's the demoness, why? There are demons but what else? It seems that some have magical or paranormal abilities?

- In order to defeat the demons and the demoness, he must learn parapsychology. - How did he know that? Was he approached by strangers that eventually became his friends?

- Daniel goes on a journey to find his mother. - What kind of journey? In Space? In the mountains? Who will be going after them? What are the dangers? And is there a time limit for him to reach his mother? And does he only have to get his mother and let the demons get away with the evil plan and those he have to stop them as well?

 

 

If you would kindly answer these questions, then I think it will be easier to help you out.

 

Thanks, 

P.S. Your story seems very intriguing. So don't be discourage, keep at it and you will nail it down.


Imagination is a powerful tool :)

 

I need help with my query letter, All feedback is welcomed --> http://agentquerycon...ealism-fantasy/


#10 Nonicks

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Posted 24 August 2016 - 02:55 PM

Hi Nomicks,

 

Here are my thoughts:

 

I get where you are going with it (Which actually is a good start ;) ) But some of the sentences are structured in a way where ideas are being mixed up. Now, this is what I understand in your story:

 

- Daniel Venture is your protagonist and he's 14 yrs old with a rare blister condition - What does that condition cause him?

- He sees a doctor and she seems more interested in his mother then his actual condition and there seems to be a connection with his dead father. - How did he find the doctor? What are the questions that she is asking?

- In the meantime, the mother is kidnapped after coming back from school, she never returned from the office, he suspects the doctor which in turn tells him that if Daniel wants to see his mother again, she needs his eyes. - What is his emotional state at this point when he confronts the doctor and were there any clues that confirmed is suspicions or was just that the doctor admitted to it? 

- After surgery, Daniel wakes up in a parallel universe haunted by Demons. - Who brought him here? If it's the demoness, why? There are demons but what else? It seems that some have magical or paranormal abilities?

- In order to defeat the demons and the demoness, he must learn parapsychology. - How did he know that? Was he approached by strangers that eventually became his friends?

- Daniel goes on a journey to find his mother. - What kind of journey? In Space? In the mountains? Who will be going after them? What are the dangers? And is there a time limit for him to reach his mother? And does he only have to get his mother and let the demons get away with the evil plan and those he have to stop them as well?

 

 

If you would kindly answer these questions, then I think it will be easier to help you out.

 

Thanks, 

P.S. Your story seems very intriguing. So don't be discourage, keep at it and you will nail it down.

 

Thank you so much for your comments, maparizeau. I want it to be a mystery novel, therefore some of the questions asked would be revealed at the end. So I don't know how to write it without spoilers (I can spoiler here, in this forum, but as I understand a query letter shouldn't have spoilers).

-the condition causes an abrupt appearance of blisters all over his body. The reader is not supposed to know why.

-he went to a clinic and met her there.

-she made him realize that something will happen to his mother. When no one at her work remembers her, he understands that something happened, and since this doctor talked about her, he suspect the doctor.   

-why the demon brought him there - it's part of the plot, actually, and would be revealed in the end.

-by talking to strangers, yes.

-a journey in the military academy.

 

Without looking at the previous drafts, what do you think of the current? Is it unclear? 



#11 BWretched

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Posted 24 August 2016 - 05:09 PM

Okay, another try:

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Daniel Venture is a fourteen-year-old loner who discovers that a demon disguised as a doctor lured his mother into a parallel universe, haunted by demons. After being transported to that universe and seeing how mighty those creatures are, (Can they fight a horse-sized duck or 100 duck sized horses? Be specific. :wink:)Daniel realizes that he doesn't know how to fight the demon who kidnapped his Mom. (Was he walking down the street on the way to fight the demon and this just occurred to him in that moment? I hope not, unless you're trying to say he is impulsive and none too bright) To gain knowledge and might he joins Detraz, a military academy, where he learns telekinesis, telepathy and ways to defeat demons. (This opening paragraph makes technical sense. It now lacks emotional sense, voice, and vivid glimpses into the story)

 

Studying parapsychology with his new friends could actually be fun, (What is the mood you're trying to set with this query? The kid's mom is kidnapped by a demon and he doesn't know what to do, but, hey this is a good time?) but soon Daniel discovers (Your MC realizes and discovers too much. What does he actually do. These are weak verbs. Be verbose and then trim) that the powerful demon Azazel is pursuing the recreation of a diamond which grants its owner special powers (So? What's it to Daniel, or me, actually?) - the very diamond his father was researching before Azazel murdered him. Daniel feels (Feelings...no. Replace inklings with concrete instances of why he feels that way. "Greg feels that Jessica hates him vs. When Jessica starts spreading lies that Greg's a racist and bigot to get their friends to stop hanging out with him, he knows that their relationship has taken a trip south) that his mother's disappearance is somehow connected to his father and the diamond, and he's determined (Why? I mean, sure, it's his mom, but that's not enough. Lots of people have parents that range from fantastic/would die for to abusive/would kill. Just being his mom isn't enough insight into their mother/son bond. You called her a loving mother before. That's vague and weak still. What is special about their relationship to the point where I'm going to care about him caring to find her? I'm not seeing it here. So far it reads like, well it's his mom and per societal standards on typical relationships he should want to save her given their genetic link. You need a lot more) to find the demon-doctor and the truth before it's too late for his Mom. 

 

Combining elements of mystery, RED EYED DANIEL is a YA sci-fi novel, complete at 100,000 words. It is a stand alone with series potential. (I don't think I noted this, but this is a perfectly succinct way to mention series potential)

 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

So yes, it's much clearer now what actually happens, but it's far too vague. I've understood it as, boy finds out a demon's got his mom, he wants to go save her so he joins a group that can train him to fight, he finds out this demon wants a diamond and that the diamond, the boy's dead dad, and the mother's kidnapping can all be related. This is a decent skeleton covered with a layer of fat. We need muscle.


❤️

 


#12 maparizeau

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Posted 24 August 2016 - 05:43 PM

Hi Nonicks,
 
Having the answers you gave me, and looking at your previous draft, I would say you query letter is missing the mystery part.
 
So here is something I put up with the information that you gave me... and it fits on one page :)
 

 

Dear Agent,

 
Daniel Venture, a fourteen-year-old, must journey through a universe infested with Demons if he wants to find the only thing that matters in his life, — his mother. [This would be the one sentence hook that describes the book. Of course, you can change it to make it more dramatic, but you want to keep it short and sweet to hook the agent]
 
Daniel Venture is a fourteen-year-old recluse boy due to his medical condition. One day, his mother decide to bring him to a clinic to try and find a cure that eluded the doctors for so many years.
 
At the clinic, they meet up with a doctor that, oddly, seems more interested in the mother than the boy. Daniel couldn’t understand why and to make matters worst, days later, his mother never showed up for work nor did she come back home. [Add adjective of how he feels in this moment ex. Conflicted and angry], Daniel goes back to the clinic to speak with the doctor. Strangely, nobody at the clinic knows or have ever heard of this particular doctor.
 
Desperate to find his mother, Daniel finally comes into contact with the doctor, who has a deal she wants to propose to him. In exchange for his mother's life, who his trapped in a parallel universe haunted by demons, she wants… his eyes! 
 
Against his better judgment, he agrees to the terms only to find himself, now, trapped in the same universe. Daniel, scared and terrified [Or replace by his emotions at this point], needs a way to find his mother, the only person left in his life. [Or give a reason for why she is worth finding]
 
[Add an adjective to qualify the world he is in. ex. In this futuristic world ravaged by the demons. Or In the Dark land where only a few survive], he joins Detraz, a military academy, where he learns telekinesis, telepathy, and ways to defeat the Demons. With the help of his new friends and his new powers, he will journey through [Name the place where it happens] to try and defeat the Demons that he will encounter. But unknown to him until this point, he discovers that the powerful Azazel, the demon doctor, is pursuing the recreation of a diamond, [Does it have a name? If so put it in here. Ex: called the Elexir], which grants its owner special powers. — The very diamond his father was researching before being murdered.
 
Will he find his mother in time? Will he be able to defeat Azazel and destroy the diamond? Or will his faith be sealed once the diamond his completed?
 
Combining elements of mystery, RED EYED DANIEL is a YA sci-fi novel, complete at 100,000 words. It is a stand alone with series potential.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.
 

 

 
Of course, I took some liberty with the few elements that I had. So you have to make this your own.

I just have one question that could bring some changes to what I wrote above. The mechanical eye(s) you were talking about, does it impact his powers in any way?
 
Hope this helps and keep us posted.
 
:-)
 
P.S. Writing this, I really, really want to know more about your book. So I wish you all the best and WHEN it is published (Hey, we have to be positive here :) ) give us a heads up. Because I feel like I'll be buying it.

Imagination is a powerful tool :)

 

I need help with my query letter, All feedback is welcomed --> http://agentquerycon...ealism-fantasy/


#13 Nonicks

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Posted 25 August 2016 - 05:24 PM

Thank you all, you were very helpful. 
Another try:

 

Dear Agent,

 

Fourteen-year-old Daniel Venture discovers that a demon lured his mother into a parallel universe, haunted by demons.

 

Daniel has got no friends. His popular twin sister, Adri, threatens to send to the whole class a video he once took of himself covered in blisters. His mother is the only person who truly sees him for what he is.  

 

That's why when she's kidnapped Daniel is resolute to find his mother and follows her to the parallel universe. There, after seeing a walking skeleton with fifty inch nails pierce a woman's stomach, he realizes that he doesn't know how to fight the demon who kidnapped his mom. To gain knowledge and might he joins Detraz, a military academy, where he learns telekinesis, telepathy and ways to defeat demons.

 

During his stay in the academy, Daniel, with the help of his new friends, finds himself competing against the powerful demon, Azazel, when they both search for the recreation of a diamond which grants its owner special powers - the very diamond his father was researching before being murdered. Daniel finds clues that connect his mother's disappearance to his father and the diamond, and he's determined to find the demon and the truth before his fate is sealed once the diamond is complete. 

 

Combining elements of mystery, RED EYED DANIEL is a YA sci-fi novel, complete at 100,000 words. It is a stand alone with series potential.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.



#14 maparizeau

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Posted 25 August 2016 - 06:09 PM

Hi nonicks,

 

Thank you all, you were very helpful. 
Another try:

 

Dear Agent,

 

Fourteen-year-old Daniel Venture discovers that a demon lured his mother into a parallel universe, haunted by demons.

 

Daniel has got no friends. His popular twin sister, Adri, threatens to send, to the whole class, a video he once took of himself covered in blisters. His mother is the only person who truly sees him for what he is.  (There seems to be missing a connection between the last two sentences...)

 

That's why when she's kidnapped Daniel is resolute to find his mother and follows her to the a parallel universe. There, after seeing a walking skeleton with fifty inch nails pierce a woman's stomach, he realizes that he doesn't know how to fight the demon who kidnapped his mom motherTo gain knowledge and might he joins Detraz, a military academy, where he learns telekinesis, telepathy and ways to defeat demons.

 

During his stay in the academy, Daniel, with the help of his new friends, finds himself competing battleling against the powerful demon, Azazel, when they both search for the recreation of a diamond which grants its owner special powers - the very diamond his father was researching before being murdered. (It's a very wordy sentence. See if you can't rewrite it to make it at least 2 sentences.) Daniel finds clues that connect his mother's disappearance to his father and the diamond., and He's determined to find the demon and the truth before his fate is sealed once the diamond is complete the completion of the diamond that could seal his faith

 

Combining elements of mystery, RED EYED DANIEL is a YA sci-fi novel, complete at 100,000 words. It is a stand alone with series potential.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

You are getting there, it's better every time. Keep at it and you will get it.


Imagination is a powerful tool :)

 

I need help with my query letter, All feedback is welcomed --> http://agentquerycon...ealism-fantasy/


#15 Preston Copeland.Biz

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Posted 26 August 2016 - 10:13 AM

Thank you all, you were very helpful. 
Another try:

 

Returning the favor...

 

Dear Agent,

 

Fourteen-year-old Daniel Venture discovers that a demon lured his mother into a parallel universe, haunted by demons. I don't think this is a hook. Tell us how this impacts him, or something more detailed. Plus, you state this in the third paragraph.  

 

HOOK EXAMPLE-  After seeing a walking skeleton with fifty inch nails pierce a woman's stomach, fourteen-year old Daniel wonders whether he should have followed his kidnapped mother into a parallel universe to rescue her.

(although i must say, if this is middle grade, that's probably a little too graphic for that age group. It would be ok for young adult)

 

Daniel has got Got is an ugly word, unless in dialogue) no friends. His popular twin sister, Adri, threatens to send to the whole class a video he once took of himself covered in blisters. His mother is the only person who truly sees him for what he is.  his mother sees him as a friendless kid with blisters? If not, then tell us how she sees him.

 

That's why when she's kidnappedcomma Daniel is resolute to find his mother and follows her to the parallel universe. There, after seeing a walking skeleton with fifty inch nails pierce a woman's stomach, he realizes that he doesn't know how to fight the demon who kidnapped his mom. To gain knowledge and might he joins Detraz, a military academy, where he learns telekinesis, telepathy and ways to defeat demons.

 

During his stay in the academy, Daniel, with the help of his new friends, finds himself competing against the powerful demon, Azazel, when they both search for the recreation of a diamond which grants its owner special powers - the very diamond his father was researching before being murdered. Daniel finds clues that connect his mother's disappearance to his father and the diamond, and he's determined to find the demon and the truth before his fate is sealed once the diamond is complete. 

 

Combining elements of mystery, RED EYED DANIEL (has Daniel had a long flight? kidding, i couldn't help myself) is a YA sci-fi novel, complete at 100,000 words. It is a stand alone with series potential.

 

Yo, I really like this story. You're last two paragraphs are where everything vital is at. Your second paragraph stinks. Pull those other 2 upward, and add something about the twin sister in there. Keep it up! Looks like you have some potential here.

Thank you for the help as well

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#16 Nonicks

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Posted 26 August 2016 - 05:51 PM

Thank you all, I feel I'm getting closer!

 

Dear Agent,

 

Daniel has no friends. His popular twin sister, Adri, threatens to send to the whole class a video he once took of himself covered in blisters. When Adri goes to the movies with her friends, he goes to eat ice cream with his Mom - the only person in the world who truly cares about him. 

 

When she's kidnapped, Daniel is resolute to find his mother and follows her to a parallel universe, haunted by demons. There, after seeing a walking skeleton with fifty inch nails pierce a woman's stomach, he realizes that he doesn't know how to fight the kidnapper. To gain knowledge and might he joins Detraz, a military academy, where he learns telekinesis, telepathy and ways to defeat demons.

 

During his stay in the academy, Daniel, with the help of his new friends, finds himself battling against the powerful demon, Azazel. They both search for the recreation of a diamond which grants its owner special powers - the very diamond his father was researching before being murdered. Daniel finds clues that connect his mother's disappearance to his father and the diamond, and he's determined to find the demon and the truth before the completion of the diamond that could seal his faith.

 

Combining elements of mystery, RED EYED DANIEL is a YA sci-fi novel, complete at 100,000 words. It is a stand alone with series potential.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.



#17 ryankalford

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Posted 26 August 2016 - 07:26 PM

Thank you all, I feel I'm getting closer!

 

Dear Agent,

 

Daniel has no friends. His popular twin sister, Adri, threatens to send to the whole class a video he once took of himself covered in blisters. When Adri goes to the movies with her friends, he goes to eat ice cream with his Mom - the only person in the world who truly cares about him.  

 

None of the above is a hook, I'm afraid. Nor do I see why any of it is important or relevant to what's established below (his sister, the class, the blisters) So, I think its one of those back ot the drawing board moments. Sorry :(

 

When she's kidnapped, Daniel is resolute to find his mother and follows her to a parallel universe, haunted by demons. There, after seeing a walking skeleton with fifty inch nails pierce a woman's stomach, he realizes that he doesn't know how to fight the kidnapper. To gain knowledge and might he joins Detraz, a military academy, where he learns telekinesis, telepathy and ways to defeat demons. (Not a correction, but I feel the last sentence here needs a bit more "wow" than feeling like a statement of fact. Make it reflect a bit of how cool and awesome Daneil probably feels it is to learn these things)

 

The highlighted should be what the main crux of your hook. IT's the action that throttles our protagonist into the story (the inciting incident), definies his motivation, and captures our interest (the demonic parallel universe bit). Also, describing it as "a parallel universe, haunted by demons" sounds a bit generic. Isn't their a name for it in your novel? Demons might be okay, but you should just describe it as "demonic" and elminate the unecessary tag at the end. 

 

During his stay in the academy, Daniel, with the help of his new friends, finds himself battling against the powerful demon, Azazel. They both search for the recreation of a diamond which grants its owner special powers - the very diamond his father was researching before being murdered. Daniel finds clues that connect his mother's disappearance to his father and the diamond, and he's determined to find the demon and the truth before the completion of the diamond that could seal his faith.

 

I'm confused. Is this the same demon that took his mother, aka our antagonist. Make the connection clearer, if so.

 

What special powers? Need specifics for this one.

 

Using "Before the completion" threw me off, considering you described the diamond as a recreation previously. Recreation makes it sound like a completed duplicate or copy. But implying it hasn't been complete yet isn't consistent with that. Clarify it more.

 

What clues?

Combining elements of mystery, RED EYED DANIEL is a YA sci-fi novel, complete at 100,000 words. It is a stand alone with series potential.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

The second paragraph was the clearest to me, though the third certainly has some enticing elements that just need to be explained better. The main issue is your lack of a genuine hook, but thankfully the foundation is right at the start of the second paragraph. You've definitely made progress though, and I must say your sentence construction has improved dramatically in flow and linkage compared to the previous drafts. It just needs some of Daniel's actual voice entwined with it. Otherwise, keep whittling away, and I think you'll have a winner on your hands.

 

As always, best of luck!


RECODED <250 EDITING FEEDBACK + ADVICE

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 

RECODED QUERY (FINISHED???)

http://agentquerycon...scifi/?p=250665

 

RECODED: GENESIS (Dani POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/

 
RECODED: Chapter 1 (Lillian POV) 250

http://agentquerycon...-social-sci-fi/

 

RECODED Synopsis (REWRITING SOON)

http://agentquerycon...t-social-scifi/


#18 BWretched

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Posted 26 August 2016 - 07:41 PM

Okay, haven't seen the other updates and sorry for no getting to your message sooner. Migraines=bad time for heavy thinking.

Thank you all, I feel I'm getting closer!

 

Dear Agent,

 

Daniel has no friends. His popular twin sister, Adri, threatens to send to the whole class a video he once took of himself covered in blisters. When Adri goes to the movies with her friends, he goes to eat ice cream with his Mom - the only person in the world who truly cares about him. (I see what you're trying to do here, but it's missing the mark for me. This tells me more about his sister than his mom by leagues. What is the character's actual history with his mom?)

 

When she's kidnapped, Daniel is resolute to find his mother and follows her to a parallel universe, that's haunted by demons. (Dry, and worded in a way that reads sorta impossible. It's said very casually like he just strolled down the street behind her and turned the corner into a parallel universe) There, after seeing a walking skeleton with fifty inch nails pierced a woman's stomach, he realizes that he doesn't know how to fight the kidnapper. (These are two different thoughts wedged into the one sentence. Again, I see what you're trying to do, be specific, but it also has to flow. The imagery doesn't connect to what you're saying or a logical train of thought following the character) To gain knowledge and might he joins Detraz (Again, super casual as if he just strolled once more to the academy and signed up. Did it happen this easily?), a military academy, where he learns telekinesis, telepathy, (Oxford comma, yo) and ways to defeat demons. (You missed the real opportunity to be specific. How will these things help him? You're vague previously with "knowledge and might". Why does he need knowledge and telepathy to get his mother back?)

 

During his stay in the academy, Daniel, with the help of his new friends, finds himself battling against the powerful demon, Azazel. (Why mention friends? They seem like a subplot and raise questions in a bad way, like where did these random friends come from. If there isn't a significant relationship with any of them, a la Ron and Hermione, then I don't think they need to be mentioned) They both (Both? This implies him and one other person and you said friends, plural) search for the recreation of a diamond (Why? You've mentioned knowledge, super powers, and now a diamond. It seems like an ongoing hodgepodge of acquired goods for one purpose and none of them are being explained as to why they're necessary) which grants its owner special powers - the very diamond his father was researching before being murdered. Daniel finds clues that connect his mother's disappearance to his father and the diamond, and he's determined to find the demon and the truth before the completion of the diamond that could seal his faith. (Vague. A person's fate can be sealed by signing divorce papers)

 

Combining elements of mystery, RED EYED DANIEL is a YA sci-fi novel, complete at 100,000 words. It is a stand alone with series potential.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

So I see that you're attempting to be more specific, but I'm having the same issues I was having before. I'm not getting any true sense of motivation nor do I understand why he's going through the tasks he's going through. You kind of throw the father in at the last moment, which isn't technically wrong, but it's not written in a compelling way. I simply don't get Daniel, his struggle, his passions, nor the stakes here. I'm guessing maybe death, but you don't actually mention it. Death and maybe no seeing his mom again which, as I've said, I'm not connecting to because I don't know the depth of their relationship. You're popping out a lot of rewrites, but I think at this point you need to spend more time studying what works in queries and dissecting successful queries before moving forward with a rewrite.


❤️

 


#19 Nonicks

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Posted 27 August 2016 - 01:48 PM

Thank you ryankalford and BWretched. Some of your questions were actually part of the plot, so I'm not sure how to write it in the query without spoilers (after all it's not a synopsis). 
Yet another try:

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

After discovering that a demon lured his mother into a parallel universe, fourteen-year-old Daniel Venture is in a quandary about whether or not he should sign the demon's deal to exchange his eyes for the opportunity to go after his Mom.

 

The demon is waiting for a response and Daniel has no time to think this over. Having a nasty twin sister, no father or friends, his mother is the only one who truly cares about him. She means a lot to him, so with or without eyes he’s resolute to find her in the demonic parallel universe. There, after seeing a walking skeleton with fifty inch nails pierced a woman's stomach, he realizes that he doesn't know how to fight the kidnapper. To gain knowledge and might he joins a military academy, Detraz, where he learns how telekinesis is used to raise and crush a barrel onto the head of an eight-foot-demon, and how telepathy could help to escape a giant bee demon - the Beemon. 

 

During his stay in the academy, Daniel, with the help of his new friends, finds himself battling against the king of all demons, Azazel, who searches for the recreation of a diamond which grants its owner parapsychological powers - the very diamond Daniel’s father was researching before being murdered. Daniel finds clues that connect his mother's disappearance to his father and the diamond, and he's determined to find the demon and the truth before the diamond is recreated and his mother is killed.

 

Combining elements of mystery, RED EYED DANIEL is a YA sci-fi novel, complete at 100,000 words. It is a stand alone with series potential.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.



#20 Scribeholic

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Posted 27 August 2016 - 04:38 PM

Hello, hope I can help in some way :-) 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Fourteen-year-old Daniel Venture discovers that a demon lured his mother into a parallel universe, haunted by demons.

 

Daniel has got no friends. His popular twin sister, Adri, threatens to send to the whole class a video he once took of himself covered in blisters. [I love the setup of brother and sister rivalry here, and this bit sounds good to come across during the full.  Maybe scale back on the detail with his sister though as the mother being kidnapped is sizzle enough, without adding word count to the query] His mother is the only person who truly sees him for what he is.  

 

That's why when she's kidnapped, Daniel is resolute to find his mother and follows her to the parallel universe. There, after seeing a walking skeleton with fifty inch nails pierce a woman's stomach, he realizes that he doesn't know how to fight the demon who kidnapped his mom. To gain knowledge and might he joins Detraz, a military academy, where he learns telekinesis, telepathy and ways to defeat demons.

 

During his stay in the academy, Daniel, with the help of his new friends, finds himself competing against the powerful demon, Azazel, when they both search for the recreation of a diamond which grants its owner special powers -[While another interesting plot point the mention of Daniel's father also seems separated from the story you're selling in the query of a boy who goes on a fantastic adventure to save his mother] the very diamond his father was researching before being murdered. Daniel finds clues that connect his mother's disappearance to his father and the diamond, and he's determined to find the demon and the truth before his fate is sealed once the diamond is complete. 

 

Combining elements of mystery, RED EYED DANIEL is a YA sci-fi novel, complete at 100,000 words. It is a stand alone with series potential.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration

---

Awesome! Looking forward to reading this YA!






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