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Red Eyed Daniel (I hate this query ><)


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#41 Nonicks

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Posted 26 November 2016 - 05:50 PM

Oh, please don't be mad at me, but personally, I think you're heading in the wrong direction now.

 

I think your query was MUCH more interesting before. 

 

Yes, it sounded middle grade-ish, but that was word choice that could still be polished.

 

For me, the "oomph" is gone from it now.

 

I'd go back and continue to polish the previous version.  :wub:

 

LOL, I'm not mad, only frustrated. You're the only one that didn't say I had a core problem with my query, just a bad word choice. There's no way I can get this query right..



#42 Daisy

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Posted 26 November 2016 - 06:03 PM

LOL, I'm not mad, only frustrated. You're the only one that didn't say I had a core problem with my query, just a bad word choice. There's no way I can get this query right..

 

 

I actually enjoyed your original query. It needed work but it was far from terrible.  :wub:   

 

Have you been staring at it day after day after day?

If yes, take a break from it for at least a week. 

Seriously.

It's easier to go back and look at it with fresh eyes.

 

 

Think of the first thirty or so pages of your manuscript.

That's all that needs to be in your query.  The events leading up to what the book is about.

What happens in those first 30 pages? 

Block everything else from your mind and think only of that.

 

It's a smaller and less intimidating chunk to work with.

 

 

You've got this!

I'm curious about those pus-filled blisters and want to hear more.  :smile:  heheee



#43 danipie

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Posted 26 November 2016 - 07:37 PM

Another try? (thank you all again)

 

When fifteen-year-old Daniel Venture’s mother is kidnapped, Daniel is willing to give anything back to see her again—including his eyes. Nice hook. Almost makes me think of Fullmetal Alchemist haha

 

Blind, he wakes up and realized that his mother is nowhere around, and the demon who kidnapped her for an unknown reason vanished, along with his eyes. A voice above him announces he’s going to operate on his eyes, replacing his old ones with a stunning invention. Now Daniel has an outstanding eyesight, I'd start a new sentence herethe only problem is they’re red because of the tiny miscalculation the surgeon made had. I guess the only thing confusing me here is why his eyesight is gone if he would give it to get his mother back? and she's still gone? maybe restructure this paragraph just a little bit.

 

But Daniel has no time to mourn his normal old looks,i'd start a new sentence here he must find his mother in this parallel world, to which he, too, has been transferred by the demon. Outside, the sight of a skeleton who pierces a woman’s shoulder makes him realize that he’s incapable of battling his mother’s kidnapper. why? Luckily, the surgeon’s son tells him about Datraz, a military academy where he can train to kill demons.

 

There he’ll have to solve telekinetic equations and practice telepathy to reveal the reason why the kidnapper wanted his mother and his eyes, and then kill the demon.

If he fails, he'll never see his mother again.

 

Combining elements of mystery, RED EYED DANIEL is a YA paranormal novel, complete at 95,000 words.

 

Intriguing! I just think you need to restructure your paragraphs a little to clear up some confusion and separate some sentences.

 

If you have any time I would really appreciate some critique on my query http://agentquerycon...-revision-in-6/



#44 Nonicks

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Posted 27 November 2016 - 04:10 AM

I actually enjoyed your original query. It needed work but it was far from terrible.  :wub:   

 

Have you been staring at it day after day after day?

If yes, take a break from it for at least a week. 

Seriously.

It's easier to go back and look at it with fresh eyes.

 

 

Think of the first thirty or so pages of your manuscript.

That's all that needs to be in your query.  The events leading up to what the book is about.

What happens in those first 30 pages? 

Block everything else from your mind and think only of that.

 

It's a smaller and less intimidating chunk to work with.

 

 

You've got this!

I'm curious about those pus-filled blisters and want to hear more.  :smile:  heheee

 

That's exactly what I did! But others told me it was messed up, so I revised it. But the query YOU loved was a summary of the first 50 pages…

And it makes me happy that you're interested, but unfortunately I haven't received even a partial yet. :/



#45 Daisy

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Posted 27 November 2016 - 11:49 AM

 

Updated:

 

When fourteen-year-old Daniel Venture’s mother is kidnapped, Daniel is willing to give anything back to see her again—including his eyes.

 

Every once in a while, fourteen-year old Daniel Venture, breaks out in head to toe pus-filled bursting blisters.  He's already eaten tons of vegetables, swallowed hundreds of pills, and seen saw twenty seven doctors. but Nobody knows what's causing  what causes the blisters or how to cure them.

 

But Doctor number twenty eight knows.

 

If Daniel undergoes the treatments she offers, he might get back to school and have make some friends. Sounds  good.  I'd put something stronger here in place of "sounds good" to show the emotional stakes of not being a normal kid. "His lifelong dream" or something with more oomph.

 

Until When he finds out  discovers the doctor-- really a demon in disguise--has kidnapped his mother, Daniel realizes he has no choice. (Clichés. I'd reword these orange sections to be more specific or it will sound like every other query) He must make a deal with the impostor to save her.

 

After Daniel gives up his eyes for the opportunity to find her, however the demon doesn't follow through  Think of a stronger word to replace "doesn't follow through"; reneges, cancels etc . He'll have to  He must kill the creature to get his mother back; an impossible task. 

 

But When he hears  learns (I find "hears" too passive. You need to amp up your stakes) about Datraz, a military academy where he can train to kill demons, Daniel sees (put a stronger word here: discovers, finds, grasps at,) hope. He'll have to study hard telekinesis and telepathy, giving up almost all of himself, to become a Datraz warrior—strong enough to kill the kidnapper.  Choose some stronger words instead of "he'll have to" or "giving up almost all of himself".

 

Because  If he fails, he'll never see his mother again.

 

Combining elements of mystery, RED EYED DANIEL is a YA speculative novel, complete at 95,000 words. It is a stand alone with series potential.

 

 

 

Sounds like a good read.  :smile:

 

 

 

My advice:

 

I'd go back to when you were at this stage and polish this version up.

It still needs a lot of work, but I think you were heading in the right direction with this one.

 

I think you need to play with the wording a bit at the start so it doesn't sound so middle grade-ish.

And then play around with the second part of it.

:biggrin:

Try not to get frustrated.  When you get it right it will shine.  :wub:



#46 KrystenH

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Posted 28 November 2016 - 06:30 PM

I kind of have to agree with Daisy, I like the version she pointed out better, especially with the suggestions. This is kind of the problem with queries, always going back when something doesn't work. Makes it seem like you are going backwards. I get how frustrating that can be (been there, done that!) but sometimes we have to go backwards in order to go forwards. Remember, it's interesting! Or else I don't think we would be spending so much time on it. Take a break, and come back with fresh eyes! 

 

And, uh, sorry for disappearing. I was busy playing Pokemon Moon doing writing stuff. Yeah, writing stuff.  :biggrin:



#47 Mezzanine

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Posted 30 November 2016 - 07:49 AM

Another try? (thank you all again)

 

When fifteen-year-old Daniel Venture’s mother is kidnapped, Daniel is willing to give anything back to see her again—including his eyes.

 

Blind, he wakes up and realized that his mother is nowhere around, and the demon who kidnapped her for an unknown reason vanished, along with his eyes. A voice above him announces he’s going to operate on his eyes, replacing his old ones with a stunning invention. Now Daniel has an outstanding eyesight, the only problem is they’re red because of the tiny miscalculation the surgeon had.

 

But Daniel has no time to mourn his normal old looks, he must find his mother in this parallel world, to which he, too, has been transferred by the demon. Outside, the sight of a skeleton who pierces a woman’s shoulder makes him realize that he’s incapable of battling his mother’s kidnapper. Luckily, the surgeon’s son tells him about Datraz, a military academy where he can train to kill demons.

 

There he’ll have to solve telekinetic equations and practice telepathy to reveal the reason why the kidnapper wanted his mother and his eyes, and then kill the demon.

If he fails, he'll never see his mother again.

 

Combining elements of mystery, RED EYED DANIEL is a YA paranormal novel, complete at 95,000 words.

 

You have an interesting and deep opening with the boy giving up his eyes for his mother. That grabs attention.

 

In your opening, I think you mean "give anything" rather than "give anything back" in reference to his eyes. The latter suggests that his eyes weren't his to begin with and that he was borrowing them or had taken them.

 

If his mother was already kidnapped, is it right to say that he later woke up and realized she was gone? Being kidnapped, wasn't she gone already, and therefore nothing new to realize?

 

You have tenses mixed, too. Your second paragraph uses present tense (he wakes up) but then past (realized). 

 

I feel like I'm missing something between the first and second paragraphs. Did he speak with and make a deal with the demon who took his eyes?

 

So a demon took his eyes, but left him at a hospital with a surgeon? That doesn't sound like what a demon would do. And this is now a parallel world? This is very hard to follow. I think you might be better served by focusing your query more so that all these events don't read like a jumble that is hard to follow.

 

How does his having red eyes figure importantly into the rest of the story? Any detail you mention in the query has to be important to later events, but you mention the red eyes then nothing more about them.

 

You have stakes and goals, but I don't see the main character making big choices. What, for example, is big choice A and the stakes involved if he does or doesn't choose it? What is his choice B and what are the stakes involved? Choices like these reveal character and give the story shape, direction, depth, and meaning. Without this, many might say it's more a list of events than a story with a plot.

 

I think you could have something very interesting. It might be buried now, but with some work I'm sure you can bring it out and make it shine.

 

Hope this helps. Best of luck to you!



#48 Nonicks

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Posted 30 November 2016 - 03:39 PM

You have an interesting and deep opening with the boy giving up his eyes for his mother. That grabs attention.

 

In your opening, I think you mean "give anything" rather than "give anything back" in reference to his eyes. The latter suggests that his eyes weren't his to begin with and that he was borrowing them or had taken them.

 

If his mother was already kidnapped, is it right to say that he later woke up and realized she was gone? Being kidnapped, wasn't she gone already, and therefore nothing new to realize?

 

You have tenses mixed, too. Your second paragraph uses present tense (he wakes up) but then past (realized). 

 

I feel like I'm missing something between the first and second paragraphs. Did he speak with and make a deal with the demon who took his eyes?

 

So a demon took his eyes, but left him at a hospital with a surgeon? That doesn't sound like what a demon would do. And this is now a parallel world? This is very hard to follow. I think you might be better served by focusing your query more so that all these events don't read like a jumble that is hard to follow.

 

How does his having red eyes figure importantly into the rest of the story? Any detail you mention in the query has to be important to later events, but you mention the red eyes then nothing more about them.

 

You have stakes and goals, but I don't see the main character making big choices. What, for example, is big choice A and the stakes involved if he does or doesn't choose it? What is his choice B and what are the stakes involved? Choices like these reveal character and give the story shape, direction, depth, and meaning. Without this, many might say it's more a list of events than a story with a plot.

 

I think you could have something very interesting. It might be buried now, but with some work I'm sure you can bring it out and make it shine.

 

Hope this helps. Best of luck to you!

 

Thank you for your critique, Mezzanine! I'm actually not sure which query to improve. If you read the version that Daisy posted just above you, do you think it's better than this one?



#49 Nonicks

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Posted 03 December 2016 - 02:53 PM

Thank you again! I returned to this query after a week and here's another try:

 

 

His entire life, fourteen-year old Daniel Venture, has been cursed with pus-filled blisters. He's already swallowed hundreds of pills and saw twenty seven doctors. Nobody knows what causes the blisters or how to cure them.

Doctor number twenty eight knows. 

 

If Daniel undergoes the treatment she offers, he might get back to school and make some friends, go to the pool, and stop wearing long-sleeved shirts to hide his boils. But the doctor asks too many questions about his mother, and urges him to sign the contract without the presence of a legal guardian. That seems fishy, but Daniel wants to be cured. Just as he's about to agree, a snake slithers out from her hair - he stifles a scream and makes a run for it, problem solved.

 

But when his mother won't pick up her phone and the receptionist at her work says she doesn't work there, Daniel realizes he must return and talk to that demonic doctor again. Without revealing her reasons for doing it, the doctor confirms she has indeed kidnapped his mother, and if Daniel wants to see her, he must pay.

Not with money, of course. To meet his mother again, Daniel has to choose if he's willing to pay her with his eyes.

 

Combining elements of mystery, RED EYED DANIEL is a YA paranormal, complete at 93K.



#50 A.Riley

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Posted 03 December 2016 - 03:56 PM

Thank you again! I returned to this query after a week and here's another try:

 

 

His entire life, fourteen-year old Daniel Venture, has been cursed with pus-filled blisters. He's already swallowed hundreds of pills and saw twenty seven doctors. Nobody knows what causes the blisters or how to cure them.

Doctor number twenty eight knows. Is the exact number of doctors important? Not that this is wrong, but if it isn't, a little rewording would help with flow & cut back on the repetition. Maybe something like: "He's already swallowed hundreds of pills and seen countless doctors with no improvement. Just as he's about to give up on being cured, a new physician thinks she may know the right treatment."

 

If Daniel undergoes the treatment she offers, he might get back to school and make some friends, go to the pool, and stop wearing long-sleeved shirts to hide his boils. But the doctor asks too many questions about his mother, and urges him to sign the contract without the presence of a legal guardian. That seems fishy, but Daniel wants to be cured.This sentence is a little tell-y. The previous one lets us know there's something fishy going on, so maybe just jump to him being desperate enough to overlook it.  Just as he's about to agree, a snake slithers out from her hair - he stifles a scream and makes a run for it, problem solved. This reads like a sentence from a synopsis instead of a query. Can you reword it? "Daniel's desperate to be cured, and he would have agreed anyway if a snake slithering from the doctors hair hadn't sent him running."?

 

But when his mother won't pick up her phone and the receptionist at her work says she doesn't work there anymore? Or did someone brain was her into forgetting his mom worked there?, Daniel realizes he must return and  to talk to the that demonic doctor again. Is she a demon then? The snake in her hair was a hint at something non-human, but it wasn't clear what. Without revealing her reasons for doing it, Not necessary. the doctor confirms she has indeed kidnapped his mother, and if Daniel wants to see her, he must pay.

Not with money, of course. To meet his mother again, Daniel has to choose if he's willing to pay her with his eyes. Ooh, interesting!

 

Combining elements of mystery, RED EYED DANIEL is a YA paranormal, complete at 93K.

 

This sounds like an interesting story! I'm left with some questions though--mainly what are the boils? Is it something the doctor gave him in order to get to his mother? If yes and the doctor was going to kidnap his mom anyway, the boils seem an unnecessary motivation. (I'm assuming because the doctor was asking questions about his mom that it was her intention to kidnap her regardless.)

 

Honestly, I think you could condense the first two paragraphs into one, leaving the opening at the snake, then give us more of what goes on in the manuscript. The stakes are great! But I'm not sure what happens other than a single doctor visit that ends with him running out of the room. At 93k words, a lot probably happens to get to the ultimate stakes.



#51 Nonicks

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Posted 05 December 2016 - 08:31 AM

Thank you, you're right! Is this better?

 

 

Fourteen-year old Daniel Venture has been cursed his entire life with pus-filled blisters. He's already swallowed hundreds of pills and saw twenty seven doctors. Nobody knows what causes the blisters or how to cure them.

Doctor number twenty eight knows. 

 

If Daniel undergoes the treatment she offers, he might get back to school and make some friends, go to the pool, and stop wearing long-sleeved shirts to hide his boils. But the doctor asks too many questions about his mother, and urges him to sign the contract without the presence of a legal guardian. But Daniel wants to be cured. Just as he's about to agree, a snake slithers out from her hair - he stifles a scream and makes a run for it, problem solved.

 

But when his mother won't pick up her phone and the receptionist at her work says she has never worked there, Daniel realizes he must return and talk to the doctor again. The doctor confirms she has indeed kidnapped his mother, and if Daniel wants to see her, he must pay.

Not with money, of course. The doctor wants his eyes.

 

Once Daniel makes that sacrifice, he's being transported to a parallel world where his mother is being held hostage. But the doctor disappears and his mother is nowhere around.

Though he's practically invalid, Daniel is not a person that would give in. If he is to find his mother, Daniel will have to dig deeper into his family history, and choose between risking death and saving his mother.

 

Combining elements of mystery, RED EYED DANIEL is a YA paranormal, complete at 93,000 words.



#52 suja

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Posted 05 December 2016 - 10:08 AM

Hi, returning the favor. Thanks for critiquing my query.

Thank you, you're right! Is this better?

 

 

Fourteen-year old Daniel Venture has been cursed his entire life with pus-filled blisters. He's already swallowed hundreds of pills and saw twenty seven doctors. Nobody knows what causes the blisters or how to cure them.

Doctor number twenty eight knows. (This hooked me enough to read on.)

 

If Daniel undergoes the treatment she offers, he might get back to school and make some friends, go to the pool, and stop wearing long-sleeved shirts to hide his boils (I like how you show his life.). But the doctor asks too many questions about his mother, and urges him to sign the contract without the presence of a legal guardian (This is where I got stuck. If he's fourteen, he'll need a legal guardian, there's no way he can sign. Also, the word "contract" makes me think this is some sort of a study? An experimental treatment? So I'm wondering if he went to this doctor without his mother's knowledge?  But Daniel wants to be cured. Just as he's about to agree, a snake slithers out from her hair - he stifles a scream and flees. makes a run for it, problem solved

 

But when his mother won't pick up her phone and the receptionist at her work says she has never worked there, Daniel realizes he must return and talk to the doctor again. The doctor confirms she has indeed kidnapped his mother, and if Daniel wants to see her, he must pay.

Not with money, of course. The doctor wants his eyes. (Interesting)

 

Once Daniel makes that sacrifice, he's being transported to a parallel world where his mother is being held hostage. But the doctor disappears and his mother is nowhere around.

Though he's practically invalid, Daniel is not a person that would give in (show us this, instead of telling us). If he is to find his mother, Daniel will have to dig deeper into his family history, and choose between risking death and saving his mother.(this part is vague. I don't see clear stakes here, or how he'd be risking death. I also don't see the connection between finding his mom and his family history. Maybe -  To find his mother, he has to find out why he (his eyes) were chosen. The answer lies in his family tree. After that, a quick specific on why he could die. Is it this parallel world, or the this "doctor" who could come after him? Why would they do that if they already got what they wanted, his eyes? I'm not asking you to give away any secrets, or the ending. Just some specifics on the stakes here.)

 

Combining elements of mystery, RED EYED DANIEL is a YA paranormal, complete at 93,000 words.



#53 CS29

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Posted 05 December 2016 - 11:08 PM

Fourteen-year old Daniel Venture has been cursed his entire life with pus-filled blisters. He's already swallowed hundreds of pills and saw twenty seven doctors. Nobody knows what causes the blisters or how to cure them.

Doctor number twenty eight knows. (I like this hook. Definitely gets me interested.)

 

If Daniel undergoes the treatment she offers, he might get back to school and make some friends, go to the pool, and stop wearing long-sleeved shirts to hide his boils. But the doctor asks too many questions about his mother, and urges him to sign the contract without the presence of a legal guardian. (As someone else mentioned, this is really sketchy and illegal, though if done well in the story, could ratchet up the tensions nicely.) But Daniel wants to be cured. Just as he's about to agree, a snake slithers out from her hair - he stifles a scream and makes a run for it, problem solved. (This last bit sounds a little awkward. Consider rewording it.)

 

But when his mother won't pick up her phone and the receptionist at her work says she has never worked there, Daniel realizes he must return and talk to the doctor again. The doctor confirms she has indeed kidnapped his mother, and if Daniel wants to see her, he must pay.

Not with money, of course. The doctor wants his eyes. (I like this bit of bargaining. It also establishes the stakes for the character)

 

Once Daniel makes that sacrifice, he's being transported to a parallel world where his mother is being held hostage. But the doctor disappears and his mother is nowhere around.

Though he's practically invalid, Daniel is not a person that would give in. If he is to find his mother, Daniel will have to dig deeper into his family history, and choose between risking death and saving his mother. (A bit vague, we don't know why he needs to dig into his family history or how his life is at risk. Use more specifics to make it clearer.)

 

Combining elements of mystery, RED EYED DANIEL is a YA paranormal, complete at 93,000 words.

 

Overall I like the idea behind the story. It's intriguing, but some of your query is a bit on the vague side. Hope this helps!



#54 heynowyou

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Posted 07 December 2016 - 02:56 PM

Fourteen-year old Daniel Venture has been cursed his entire life with pus-filled blisters. He's already swallowed hundreds of pills and seen twenty seven doctors. Nobody knows what causes the blisters or how to cure them.

Doctor number twenty eight knows. (Pretty good opening/hook)

 

If Daniel undergoes the treatment she offers, he might get back to school and make some friends, go to the pool, and stop wearing long-sleeved shirts to hide his boils.(It's a little awkward of a sentence but I do like that it gives you a quick idea of the life Daniel is living) But the doctor asks too many questions about his mother, and urges him to sign the contract without the presence of a legal guardian. (As someone else mentions if he's fourteen no contract he signs is binding. I get that it's supposed to be some sort of magical contract but there has to be a less clunky way to say all of this) But Daniel wants to be cured. Just as he's about to agree, a snake slithers out from her hair - he stifles a scream and makes a run for it, problem solved. (This sentence reads like part of the story not part of a query. There's no need to say he 'stifles a scream' that's action that s not needed in the letter)

 

But when his mother won't pick up her phone and the receptionist at her work says she has never worked there, Daniel realizes he must return and talk to the doctor again. The doctor confirms she has indeed (Indeed? There was nothing to indicate that she had kidnapped his mom) kidnapped his mother, and if Daniel wants to see her, he must pay. 

Not with money, of course. The doctor wants his eyes.

 

Once Daniel makes that sacrifice, he's being transported to a parallel world where his mother is being held hostage. But the doctor disappears and his mother is nowhere around.

Though he's practically invalid (Being blind, which I'm assuming is what's happened after he pays with his eyes does not make him invalid. I would consider using a different word as it comes off a little ableist), Daniel is not a person that would give in. If he is to find his mother, Daniel will have to dig deeper into his family history, and choose between risking death and saving his mother.

 

Combining elements of mystery, RED EYED DANIEL is a YA paranormal, complete at 93,000 words.

 

The premise is interesting and you have the hook down but that second paragraph is all over the place. As is the third. It just needs some focus. Maybe choose just the first point of conflict and make the query about that because as it stands there's like three different conflicts happening and none get enough time to really get developed in the letter. Hope any of those edits help.


Here's my attempt at a query letter

KEEPERS (YA urban fantasy)

Any help is appreciated and will be reciprocated to the best of my abilities.


#55 Nonicks

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Posted 14 January 2017 - 12:41 PM

Hi guys, and this !@#$ query is still here! How frustrating is that?

Yet another try (do you see any grammar mistakes?):

---------

Thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture knows two things for sure: 1. A demon kidnapped his mother to a parallel world. 2. There's no way in hell he will do nothing about it.

 

When he crosses the bridge between the universes, he finds a world where demons freely roam the streets and kill people, and noticeboards hunt for telekinesis experts (twenty years’ experience, high salary assured).

 

He discovers that only soldiers can protect citizens from demons. Then Daniel learns something else: If he wants to battle the kidnapper, he must become a demon slayer himself.

 

Become a demon slayer? Sure. Daniel joins Datraz, a military academy where students must calculate telekinesis force to lift objects in the air, broadcast telepathic messages, and memorize types of demons and their weaknesses. But soon Daniel discovers that his stay in the academy is not a coincidence. Turns out, his body contains an immense telekinetic energy. Asmodeus, one of the most powerful demons, wants this energy so much that he ordered to kidnap his mother, knowing Daniel would follow, and fall into his trap. Now Daniel must choose: give Asmodeus the energy he wants and join him and his demons, or sacrifice himself to kill the demon.

 

RED-EYED DANIEL is a MG paranormal mystery, which draws on demons and other elements from the Jewish mythology. It is complete at 77,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 



#56 Jbaydoun

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Posted 14 January 2017 - 01:19 PM

Hi guys, and this !@#$ query is still here! How frustrating is that?

Yet another try (do you see any grammar mistakes?):

---------

Thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture knows two things for sure: 1. A demon kidnapped his mother to a parallel world. 2. There's no way in hell he will do nothing about it. Verrryyy awkwardly worded. Maybe try something along the lines of, "There's no way in hell he's going to let that slide" 

 

 

 

When he crosses the bridge between the universes, he discovers finds a world where demons freely roam the streets, hunting down humans and telekinesis experts alike  kill people, and noticeboards hunt for telekinesis experts (twenty years’ experience, high salary assured). The only thing stopping these demons from destroying humankind are "Insert cool name for the demon hunting soldiers". Daniel soon learns that to find his mother's kidnappers, he must join this group and become a demon hunter himself... 

 

He discovers that only soldiers can protect citizens from demons. Then Daniel learns something else: If he wants to battle the kidnapper, he must become a demon slayer himself.

 

 

 

Become a demon slayer? Sure. Daniel joins Datraz, a military academy where students hone their telekenetic skills and learn to fight the demons. must calculate telekinesis force to lift objects in the air, broadcast telepathic messages, and memorize types of demons and their weaknesses. But soon Daniel discovers that his stay in the academy is not a coincidence. 

 

Asmodeus, one of the most powerful demons in the realm, has drawn Daniel here. 

 

Turns out, his body contains an immense telekinetic energy. Asmodeus, one of the most powerful demons, wants this energy so much that he ordered to kidnap his mother, knowing Daniel would follow, and fall into his trap. Now Daniel must choose: give Asmodeus the energy he wants and join him and his demons, or sacrifice himself to kill the demon. I don't know what to do with this paragraph. It does't flow and is way too "showy". You don't want to describe every reason in your story. This is a query, not a synopsis. Talk about the power Daniel holds, and that the demon kindapped his mother to get to it.

 

 

RED-EYED DANIEL is a MG paranormal mystery, which draws on demons and other elements from the Jewish mythology. It is complete at 77,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 



#57 Rykter

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Posted 15 January 2017 - 03:37 AM

Thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture knows two things for sure: 1. A demon kidnapped his mother to a parallel world. 2. There's no way in hell he will do nothing about it.  This is a double negative. With your sentence structure you could say something like: There's no way in hell he'll back down. But I like better: 2. That he'll do anything and everything to get her back.

 

 

 

When he crosses the bridge between the universes, he finds a world where demons freely roam the streets and kill people, and noticeboards hunt for telekinesis experts (twenty years’ experience, high salary assured). Odd pairing of ideas. maybe something like- He finds himself in a world where demons hunt and kill people in broad daylight. He also notices an odd billboard... but not sure that we even need to know about that at this point.

 

 

 

He discovers that only soldiers can protect citizens from demons. This seems self-evident. Do these soldiers possess any special powers or abilities?  Then Daniel learns something else: If he wants to battle the kidnapper, he must become a demon slayer himself. Again this stands to reason since you told us that the kidnapper was a demon. 

 

 

 

Become a demon slayer? Sure. Daniel joins Datraz, a military academy where students must calculate telekinesis force to lift objects in the air, broadcast telepathic messages, and memorize types of demons and their weaknesses. But soon Daniel discovers that his stay in the academy is not a coincidence. Turns out, his body contains an immense telekinetic energy. Asmodeus, one of the most powerful demons, wants this energy so much that he ordered to kidnap his mother, knowing Daniel would follow, and fall into his trap. Now Daniel must choose: give Asmodeus the energy he wants and join him and his demons, or sacrifice himself to kill the demon. Where does the mother fit into this calculation?

 

 

 

RED-EYED DANIEL is a MG paranormal mystery, which draws on demons and other elements from the Jewish mythology. It is complete at 77,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#58 jphollis

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Posted 15 January 2017 - 05:49 AM

Hi guys, and this !@#$ query is still here! How frustrating is that?

Yet another try (do you see any grammar mistakes?):

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Thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture knows two things for sure: 1. A demon kidnapped his mother to a parallel world. 2. There's no way in hell he will do nothing about it. (This punctuation is awkward. say 'first' instead of '1.' Also, that second sentence is awkward.)

 

 

 

When he crosses the bridge between the universes, he finds a world where demons freely roam the streets and kill people ('and kill people' feels redundant here), and noticeboards hunt for telekinesis experts (twenty years’ experience, high salary assured) (not sure if this phrase in parenthesis is necessary).

 

 

 

He discovers that only soldiers can protect citizens from demons. Then Daniel learns something else: If he wants to battle the kidnapper, he must become a demon slayer himself. (How does he discover this? Also, this feels like telling, not showing. Lastly, it's not clear if soldiers are the same things as demon slayers.)

 

 

 

Become a demon slayer? Sure. (I'm not wild about this. Also feels like it would be better to start with this next sentence.)  Daniel joins Datraz, a military academy where students must calculate telekinesis force to lift objects in the air, broadcast telepathic messages, and memorize types of demons and their weaknesses. But soon Daniel discovers that his stay in the academy is not a coincidence.  (The wording feels weird here. His 'stay' in the academy? 'Not a coincidence'? I just think this whole sentence could be worded better.)Turns out, his body contains an immense telekinetic energy. Asmodeus, one of the most powerful demons, wants this energy so much that he ordered (Ordered who? This is a transitive verb. Needs an object.) to kidnap his mother, knowing Daniel would follow, (You don't need a comma here.) and fall into his trap. Now Daniel must choose: give Asmodeus the energy he wants and join him and his demons, or sacrifice himself to kill the demon.(Again, this is awkward phrasing.)

 

 

 

RED-EYED DANIEL is a MG paranormal mystery, which draws on demons and other elements from the Jewish mythology. It is complete at 77,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

Hope my comments help a bit.


No query or synopsis up yet. Stay tuned if you wish to reciprocate on a critique I've given you.

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#59 Nonicks

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Posted 15 January 2017 - 09:33 AM

Thank you all, great comments! How about this version?

 

 

Thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture knows two things for sure: 1. A demon kidnapped his mother to a parallel world. 2. There's no way in hell he's going to let that slide.

 

When he crosses the bridge between the universes, he discovers a world where demons freely roam the streets and kill people, noticeboards hunt for telekinesis experts (twenty years’ experience, high salary assured), and the only thing stopping these demons from frying all humans are Datraz warriors. When Daniel sees a living skeleton pierce a woman's shoulder, he realizes that if a wimp like him wants to battle the kidnapper, he must become a warrior himself.

 

Daniel joins a military academy where telekinesis and telepathy are way harder than math and physics, and soon he tracks down the kidnapper's accomplice. Daniel will spy on him, even if this leads him to a lair of demons. But turns out he was suspecting the wrong person, and this whole time the real accomplice was someone nearby, someone Daniel considered a friend.

 

RED-EYED DANIEL is a MG paranormal mystery, which draws on demons and other elements from the Jewish mythology. It is complete at 77,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#60 Catherine Kraus

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Posted 15 January 2017 - 04:13 PM

 

Thank you all, great comments! How about this version?

 

 

Thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture knows two things for sure: 1. A demon kidnapped his mother to a parallel world. 2. There's no way in hell he's going to let that slide.

 

When he crosses the bridge between the universes Would saying "worlds" be easier and simplier? The way you have it phrased now is a bit awkward. , he discovers a world where demons freely roam the streets and kill as they go people,. Nnoticeboards hunt for Datraz warriors, the telekinesis experts (twenty years’ experience, high salary assured) ,I feel your setence gets bogged down with the parenthetics. Due to the warriors' abilities, I think it's already understood that a thirteen-year-old boy isn't qualified to join them. and who are the only thing ones stopping these demons from frying This the first time we hear about the demons "frying" people. If you want to say this still, maybe make it consistant and remove "killing" you had in the beginning of the query. all humans are Datraz warriors. When Daniel sees a living skeleton pierce a woman's shoulder, he realizes that if a wimp like him wants to battle the kidnapper, he must become a warrior himself. I crossed out the beginning of the sentence because I don't think it's necessary. For me it distracts from the flow you've built because it's almost too specific, it feels like important for sure, but maybe more important in a synopsis. 

 

Daniel joins a military academy where specializing in Datraz abilities, telekinesis and telepathy are way harder than math and physics, and soon he tracks down the kidnapper's accomplice, a friend who Daniel has come to trust. Daniel will spy on him, even if this leads him to a lair of demons. But turns out he was suspecting the wrong person, and this whole time the real accomplice was someone nearby, someone Daniel considered a friend. I sort of like ending the querry on the "lair of demons." But I also do think it's important to include the betrayal Daniel finds out. I just gave an example on including it briefly. 

 

RED-EYED DANIEL is a MG paranormal mystery, which draws on demons and other elements from the Jewish mythology Interesting!. It is complete at 77,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

Despite all my red marks, this is a really solid query! I just think the biggest issue is some awkward phrasing and extra words. Keep up the good work! I'm excited to see your other edits!

 

And thanks for the critique on mine! Much appreciated!  :biggrin: 






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