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Red Eyed Daniel (I hate this query ><)


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#101 dragoness

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Posted 26 January 2017 - 01:54 AM

Thank you for your feedback to my beginning  :smile:

 

I think that this query is better than the former one, but not as good as the one before. I don't see how the eyes' issue helps the query, I think it's only adds another complicated issue to explain, instead of the main issue of the kidnapping and the demons.

 

Here are my detailed comments:

Thank you guys! I tried to combine the two versions because I think this is the thing that makes this novel more than just "a boys goes to school" story. What do you think? 

 

When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture’s mother is snatched to a parallel world, he is willing to give anything to follow her—including his eyes. (it's good, but I liked the former two-things structure better- maybe you could make it: "Thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture knows two things for sure: his mother is snatched to a parallel world, and he is willing to give anything to follow her—including his eyes.")

 

The next moment (next to what?) Daniel wakes up (starting with waking up is boring cliche, change this) to discover two beams of red light instead of his real eyes. This world’s (which world?) “easy” (who says it's easy, and why?) eye implantation gone wrong. But the world itself also gone wrong: (Up to here I found the beginning absolutely confusing, I didn't understand who did what to who and why. From here on it's excellent.) demons, like the creature who kidnapped his mother, roam the streets and kill as they go, smartwatches show the nearest creature, and bookstores sell titles that promise safe evasion from demons in ten easy steps. Aces of telekinesis and telepathy, Datraz warriors, are the only ones stopping these demons from wiping out humanity. If Daniel wants to battle the kidnapper and win, he can’t rely on his new razor-sharp vision to help him—he must become a warrior himself. (Great!)

 

To achieve that goal, he enlists in a military academy and begins his training. Then one night, during guard duty, Daniel tracks down the kidnapper’s accomplice and learns that he (who's "he"? Daniel or the accomplice?) has a unique telekinetic energy. Obtaining his energy has been the kidnapper’s goal all along—his mother was only the bait and within the kidnapper’s grasp. Now Daniel must make a choice: let the kidnapper drain his energy and save himself and his mother, or sacrifice his own eyes to kill the demon. (The dilemma is still unclear - will their lives be saved anyway?does he have to choose between his energy and sight? what is the meaning of draining his energy?)



#102 Zach67

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Posted 26 January 2017 - 02:22 AM

Thank you guys! I tried to combine the two versions because I think this is the thing that makes this novel more than just "a boys goes to school" story. What do you think? 

 

When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture’s mother is snatched to a parallel world, he is willing to give anything to follow her—including his eyes. Like the hook. 

 

The next moment Daniel wakes up to discover two beams of red light instead of his real eyes. This world’s “easy” eye implantation gone wrong. But the world itself also gone wrong: demons, like the creature who kidnapped his mother, roam the streets and kill as they go, smartwatches show the nearest creature, and bookstores sell titles that promise safe evasion from demons in ten easy steps. Aces of telekinesis and telepathy, Datraz warriors are the only ones stopping these demons from wiping out humanity. If Daniel wants to battle the kidnapper and win, he can’t rely on his new razor-sharp vision to help him—he must become a warrior himself. This paragraph reads confusing. Red means not a fan of word choice

 

To achieve that goal, he enlists in a military academy and begins his training. Then one night, during guard duty, Daniel tracks down the kidnapper’s accomplice and learns that he has a unique telekinetic energy. Obtaining his energy has been the kidnapper’s goal all along—his mother was only the bait and within the kidnapper’s grasp. Now Daniel must make a choice: let the kidnapper drain his energy and save himself and his mother, or sacrifice his own eyes to kill the demon. you need to explain the yellow section more. come's out of no where. won't defeating the demon also save his mother. 

 

You have a great start, but it gets weaker by the end. Nonetheless, great potential here. 

Please check out my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ne/#entry333366


My timeless miracle query: http://agentquerycon...ne/#entry337370

 

My timeless miracle synopsis: http://agentquerycon...meless +miracle

 

 


#103 Nonicks

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Posted 26 January 2017 - 10:50 AM

Another attempt. This is frustrating. I think my previous version was better, but it sounded like an ordinary story about a boy going to school. So I added his eyes because that's the special element in this novel. But I don't know. :( Is it any better? 

 

 

When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture’s mother is snatched to a parallel world, he is willing to give anything to follow her—including his eyes.

 

After Daniel agrees to the deal, he wakes up to discover that his real eyes were surgically replaced with two artificial beams of red light. Though his eyesight is razor-sharp, now he resembles the demon who kidnapped his mother. Even worse, he is trapped in world where demons roam the streets and kill as they go, smartwatches show the nearest creature, and bookstores sell titles that promise safe evasion from demons in ten easy steps. Aces of telekinesis and telepathy, Datraz warriors are the only ones stopping these demons from wiping out humanity. If Daniel wants to battle the kidnapper and win, he must first become a warrior himself.

 

To achieve that goal, he enlists in a military academy and begins his training. Then one night Daniel tracks down the kidnapper’s accomplice and learns that he has a unique telekinetic energy. Obtaining this energy has been the kidnapper’s goal all along—his mother was only the bait—and his artificial eyes are a tracking system.  Now Daniel must make a choice: let the kidnapper drain his energy and watch him rise to power, or sacrifice his own eyes, risking his and his mother's life, and attempt to kill the demon.



#104 anathebookworm

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Posted 26 January 2017 - 11:15 AM

 

Another attempt. This is frustrating. I think my previous version was better, but it sounded like an ordinary story about a boy going to school. So I added his eyes because that's the special element in this novel. But I don't know. :( Is it any better? 

 

 

When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture’s mother is snatched to a parallel world, he is willing to give anything to follow her—including his eyes. Good hook! I really like it now!

 

After Daniel agrees to the deal, This sounds a little...meh. Isn't there a way to reword this? Maybe use "procedure" instead of "deal"? I'm not sure, sorry. he wakes up to (waking up is too cliched, even in queries, so I'd avoid using this) discovers that his real eyes were surgically replaced with two artificial beams of red light. Though his eyesight is razor-sharp, now he resembles the demon who kidnapped his mother. Even worse, he is trapped in world where demons roam the streets and kill as they go, smartwatches show the nearest creature, and bookstores sell titles that promise safe evasion from demons in ten easy steps. Aces of telekinesis and telepathy, Datraz warriors are the only ones stopping these demons from wiping out humanity. If Daniel wants to battle the kidnapper and win, he must first become a warrior himself. But why would the Datraz trust Daniel now, if he looks like a demon? Did they first try to hurt him or something? Maybe it's something worth mentioning, because I don't see how they would allow Daniel to train with them if they can't be sure whether he's a demon or not.

 

To achieve that goal, he enlists in a military academy and begins his training. Then one night Daniel tracks down the kidnapper’s accomplice and learns that he has a unique telekinetic energy. Obtaining this energy has been the kidnapper’s goal all along—his mother was only the bait—and his artificial eyes are a tracking system.  Now Daniel must make a choice: let the kidnapper drain his energy and watch him rise to power, or sacrifice his own eyes, risking his and his mother's life, and attempt to kill the demon. Good stakes! Though I would like to know if the "rising to power" part would only affect those in this world, or if it would affect our (Daniel's) world.

 

 

I actually like this version a lot! Yes, the "boy going to school" query was good, but I agree that the eyes part is what makes this story unique. I also agree how queries can be frustrating, ughhh. I usually take a break from it when my mind can't come up with anything useful, haha. Anyway, I hope this helps!

 

Also, thank you very much for checking my query again :)



#105 jphollis

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Posted 26 January 2017 - 11:16 AM

 

Another attempt. This is frustrating. I think my previous version was better, but it sounded like an ordinary story about a boy going to school. So I added his eyes because that's the special element in this novel. But I don't know. :( Is it any better? 

 

 

When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture’s mother is snatched to a parallel world, he is willing to give anything to follow her—including his eyes.

 

After Daniel agrees to the deal, he wakes up to discover that his real eyes were surgically replaced with two artificial beams of red light. Though his eyesight is razor-sharp, now he resembles the demon who kidnapped his mother. Even worse, he is trapped in world where demons roam the streets and kill as they go, smartwatches show the nearest creature, and bookstores sell titles that promise safe evasion from demons in ten easy steps. Aces of telekinesis and telepathy, Datraz warriors are the only ones stopping these demons from wiping out humanity. If Daniel wants to battle the kidnapper and win, he must first become one of these warriors. (I dont like the use of the reflexive pronoun 'himself' at the end of this sentence. Other than that, this paragraph transition from the hook much more smoothly.)

 

To achieve that goal, he enlists in a military academy and begins his training. Then one night Daniel tracks down the kidnapper’s accomplice and learns that he has a unique telekinetic energy. Obtaining this energy has been the kidnapper’s goal all along—his mother was only the bait—and his artificial eyes are a tracking system (Now I'm a little confused. Before, in the hook, I didn't question who made this deal with Daniel, but now I'm going back and thinking, because you just said his eyes are a tracking system. Does that mean that this demon is the one who made the deal with him? Maybe it's just me, but the end of this sentence confused me.).  Now Daniel must make a choice: let the kidnapper drain his energy and watch him rise to power, or sacrifice his own eyes (I thought he already lost his eyes?), risking his and his mother's life, and attempt to kill the demon. 

 

 

I think the hook and the first paragraph are mostly working now. It's the second paragraph that seems to need your attention now. Also, I might suggest using a sentence like this after the hook: But with Daniel's real eyes replaced with two artificial beams of red light, he now resembles the demon who kidnapped his mother. 

 

Just a thought. I'm trying to think of some ways to help you and give you other ideas to go with this. I know how annoying it is rewriting and rewriting again and again. Sometimes ideas on how others would rewrite the sentences give me ideas for making it work. Many of your comments have helped me do exactly that in my query and synopsis!

 

Here's another one, for the last sentence: Now Daniel must make a choice: let the kidnapper drain his energy to save themselves or sacrifice his eyes and save the world.

 

Hope my comments help a bit!


No query or synopsis up yet. Stay tuned if you wish to reciprocate on a critique I've given you.

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#106 Nonicks

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Posted 26 January 2017 - 03:27 PM

jphollis, your comments are excellent! [I actually think your suggestion for the opening line of paragraph 2 is great, but I'm afraid I can't use  one of these warriors because I used "one of these" earlier. I didn't use "save the world" either because it's too general. Do you have maybe another suggestion to rewrite my last sentence without losing its meaning?] anotherbookworm, your comments are amazing as well. :) 

 

I actually wrote a version without the Datraz warriors. Which one seems better?

 

When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture’s mother is snatched to a parallel world, he is willing to trade anything to follow her—including his eyes.

 

But with Daniel's real eyes replaced with two artificial beams of red light, he now resembles the demon who kidnapped his mother. Even worse, he is trapped in world where demons roam the streets and kill as they go, smartwatches show the nearest creature, and bookstores sell titles that promise safe evasion from demons in ten easy steps. Aces of telekinesis and telepathy, Datraz warriors are the only ones stopping these demons from wiping out humanity. If Daniel wants to battle the kidnapper and win, he can’t rely on his new razor-sharp vision to help him—he must become a warrior himself.

 

To achieve that goal, he enlists in a military academy and begins his training. Then one night Daniel tracks down the kidnapper’s accomplice and learns that he has a unique telekinetic energy. Obtaining this energy has been the kidnapper’s goal all along—his mother was only the bait—and his artificial eyes are actually a surveillance system.  Now Daniel must make a choice: let the kidnapper drain his energy and watch him rise to power, or sacrifice his own eyes, risking his and his mother's life, and attempt to kill the demon.

---------------------------------------

 

When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture’s mother is snatched to a parallel world, he is willing to trade anything to follow her—including his eyes.

 

But with Daniel's real eyes replaced with two artificial beams of red light, he now resembles the demon who kidnapped his mother. Even worse, he is trapped in world where demons roam the streets and kill as they go, smartwatches show the nearest creature, and bookstores sell titles that promise safe evasion from demons in ten easy steps.

 

Using his razor-sharp vision, Daniel tracks down the kidnapper’s accomplice and learns that he has a unique telekinetic energy. Obtaining this energy has been the kidnapper’s goal all along—his mother was only the bait—and his artificial eyes are actually a surveillance system.  Now Daniel must make a choice: let the kidnapper drain his energy and watch him rise to power, or sacrifice his own eyes, risking his and his mother's life, and attempt to kill the demon.



#107 scooper09

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Posted 27 January 2017 - 09:49 AM

When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture’s mother is snatched to a parallel world, he is willing to trade anything to follow her—including his eyes. (I like the hook)

 

But with Daniel's real eyes replaced with two artificial beams of red light, he now resembles the demon who kidnapped his mother. Even worse, he is trapped in world where demons roam the streets and kill as they go. Smartwatches show the nearest creature, and bookstores sell titles that promise safe evasion from demons in ten easy steps. (I like this paragraph also. I think it sets up the environment he finds himself in nicely.) I  think the last sentence works better as two sentences.

 

Using his razor-sharp vision, Daniel tracks down the kidnapper’s accomplice and learns that he has a unique telekinetic energy. Obtaining this energy has been the kidnapper’s goal all along—his mother was only the bait—and his artificial eyes are actually a surveillance system.  Now Daniel must make a choice: let the kidnapper drain his energy and watch him rise to power, or sacrifice his own eyes, risking his and his mother's life, and attempt to kill the demon. (I'm a little confused by this paragraph.)

 

Like the query, the third paragraph lost me a little. Is the energy the kidnapper desires in Daniel's artificial eyes or just an energy he possesses? Watching the kidnapper rise to power and drain his energy doesn't sound like much of choice, unless it sets his mother free. I might have missed something.

 

Hope this helps a little! Best of luck!



#108 jphollis

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Posted 27 January 2017 - 01:19 PM



jphollis, your comments are excellent! [I actually think your suggestion for the opening line of paragraph 2 is great, but I'm afraid I can't use  one of these warriors because I used "one of these" earlier. I didn't use "save the world" either because it's too general. Do you have maybe another suggestion to rewrite my last sentence without losing its meaning?] anotherbookworm, your comments are amazing as well. :) 

 

I actually wrote a version without the Datraz warriors. Which one seems better?

 

When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture’s mother is snatched to a parallel world, he is willing to trade anything to follow her—including his eyes.

 

But with Daniel's real eyes replaced with two artificial beams of red light, he now resembles the demon who kidnapped his mother. Even worse, he is trapped in world where demons roam the streets and kill as they go, smartwatches show the nearest creature, and bookstores sell titles that promise safe evasion from demons in ten easy steps. Aces of telekinesis and telepathy, Datraz warriors are the only ones stopping these demons from wiping out humanity. If Daniel wants to battle the kidnapper and win, he can’t rely on his new razor-sharp vision to help him—he must become a warrior himself.

 

To achieve that goal, he enlists in a military academy and begins his training. Then one night Daniel tracks down the kidnapper’s accomplice and learns that he has a unique telekinetic energy. Obtaining this energy has been the kidnapper’s goal all along—his mother was only the bait—and his artificial eyes are actually a surveillance system.  Now Daniel must make a choice: let the kidnapper drain his energy and watch him rise to power, or sacrifice his own eyes, risking his and his mother's life, and attempt to kill the demon.

---------------------------------------

 

When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture’s mother is snatched to a parallel world, he is willing to trade anything to follow her—including his eyes.

 

But with Daniel's real eyes replaced with two artificial beams of red light, he now resembles the demon who kidnapped his mother. Even worse, he is trapped in world where demons roam the streets and kill as they go, smartwatches show the nearest creature, and bookstores sell titles that promise safe evasion from demons in ten easy steps. (I like this paragraph a lot now.)

 

Using his razor-sharp vision, Daniel tracks down the kidnapper’s accomplice and learns that he has a unique telekinetic energy. Obtaining this energy has been the kidnapper’s goal all along—his mother was only the bait—and his artificial eyes are actually a surveillance system. (I still don't understand this surveillance system bit. It makes it sounds like the demon gave him his eyes, which doesn't make sense in the conext of this query if that is true. I think it is best to lose the last part of this sentence. If not, you really need to clarify some points about his eyes.)  Now Daniel must make a choice: give the demon what he wants or risk his and his mother's life and kill the demon. 

 

So, I like the second query without the Datraz warriors. There really isn't a huge need to describe them in your query as they are simply a means to an end for your main character, that end being finding and confronting the demon who kidnapped his mother.

 

I also added in my suggestion at a last sentence. I erased the bit about sacrificing his new eyes, because it doesn't feel like very high stakes to me. I mean, he was already willing to give up his eyes to save his mother. Why wouldn't he do it a second time to accomplish the same goal? I mean, did he know he would get some red eyes in the beginning of this query when he gave up his original eyes? It doesn't seem so. So if he was prepared to go blind to save his mother, why wouldn't he do that again. That's what I think as I read this.)


No query or synopsis up yet. Stay tuned if you wish to reciprocate on a critique I've given you.

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#109 Olive K. Aristen

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Posted 27 January 2017 - 01:20 PM


 

When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture’s mother is snatched to a parallel world, he is willing to trade anything to follow her—including his eyes. I agree with some of the others that want to know who did the snatching. You could reword it to say, "when demons snatch thirteen-year-old Daniels mother, dragging her into a parallel world, he is willing to trade anything to follow her—including his eyes.." or something.

 

But with Daniel's real eyes replaced with two artificial beams of red light, he now resembles the demon who kidnapped his mother. Even worse, he is trapped in world where demons roam the streets and kill as they go, smartwatches show the nearest creature, and bookstores sell titles that promise safe evasion from demons in ten easy steps. this is really cool. Aces of telekinesis and telepathy, Datraz warriors are the only ones stopping these demons from wiping out humanity.I don't get the connection between Daniel and the warriors here. This feels a bit dropped in without context. If Daniel wants to battle the kidnapper and win, he can’t rely on his new razor-sharp vision to help him—he must become a warrior himself. 

 

To achieve that goal, he enlists in a military academy and begins his training. Not needed. Then one night Daniel tracks down the kidnapper’s accomplice and learns that he has a unique telekinetic energy. Obtaining this energy has been the kidnapper’s goal all along—his mother was only the bait—and his artificial eyes are actually a surveillance system.  Now Daniel must make a choice: let the kidnapper drain his energy and watch him rise to power, or sacrifice his own eyes, risking his and his mother's life, and attempt to kill the demon.

---------------------------------------

 

When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture’s mother is snatched to a parallel world, he is willing to trade anything to follow her—including his eyes.

 

But with Daniel's real eyes replaced with two artificial beams of red light, he now resembles the demon who kidnapped his mother. Even worse, he is trapped in world where demons roam the streets and kill as they go, smartwatches show the nearest creature, and bookstores sell titles that promise safe evasion from demons in ten easy steps.

 

Using his razor-sharp vision, Daniel tracks down the his mother's kidnapper’s accomplice [there's probably a better way to say this, maybe just say at the top, two demons and then say one of the demons here if that's accurate.] and learns that he [he Daniel or he the accomplice? When I first read this I read it as the accomplice] has a unique telekinetic energy. Obtaining this [Daniel's?] energy has been the kidnapper’s goal all along—his mother was only the bait—and his artificial eyes are actually a surveillance system. Meh. This information isn't as good. I'd remove it. It's snappier and gives more urgency without it. Now Daniel must make a choice: let the kidnapper drain his energy and watch him rise to power, or sacrifice his own [new/artificial?] eyes, risking his and his mother's life, and attempt to kill the demon. [I guess I kind of get confused here. So he could give the accomplice his power, the telekinetic energy, or sacrifice his eyes? I feel like this needs more information or clarity.]

 

 

While I like the information about the warriors, I don't think it's necessary to tell what you need to right now. I hope this helps!


Current query for critique: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=340722


#110 ViviMont

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Posted 27 January 2017 - 04:00 PM

When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture’s mother is snatched to a parallel world, he is willing to trade anything to follow her—including his eyes. (Eesh! Freaky, but very cool hook)

 

But with Daniel's real eyes replaced with two artificial beams of red light, he now resembles the demon who kidnapped his mother. Even worse, he is trapped in (a) world where demons roam the streets and kill as they go, smartwatches show the nearest creature, and bookstores sell titles that promise safe evasion from demons in ten easy steps. (Ha! Cool. Makes me thing of Diagon Alley) Aces of telekinesis and telepathy, Datraz warriors are the only ones stopping these demons from wiping out humanity. If Daniel wants to battle the kidnapper and win, he can’t rely on his new razor-sharp vision to help him—he must become a warrior himself. (So far so good. Really like this beginning)

 

To achieve that goal, he enlists in a military academy and begins his training. Then one night Daniel tracks down the kidnapper’s accomplice and learns that he has a unique telekinetic energy. Obtaining this energy has been the kidnapper’s goal all along—his mother was only the bait—and his artificial eyes are actually a surveillance system. (Don't forget to try and let some of your character's voice reflect in your query. Is he sarcastic? Is he hard-headed? Is he a serious guy?)  Now Daniel must make a choice: let the kidnapper drain his energy and watch him rise to power, or sacrifice his own eyes, risking his and his mother's life, and attempt to kill the demon.

---------------------------------------

 

When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture’s mother is snatched to a parallel world, he is willing to trade anything to follow her—including his eyes.

 

But with Daniel's real eyes replaced with two artificial beams of red light, he now resembles the demon who kidnapped his mother. Even worse, he is trapped in (a) world where demons roam the streets and kill as they go, smartwatches show the nearest creature, and bookstores sell titles that promise safe evasion from demons in ten easy steps.

 

Using his razor-sharp vision, Daniel tracks down the kidnapper’s accomplice and learns that he(Who Daniel or the kidnapper's accomplice?) has a unique telekinetic energy. Obtaining this energy has been the kidnapper’s goal all along—his mother was only the bait—and his artificial eyes are actually a surveillance system (Who's utilizing this surveillance system, the kidnapper?).  Now Daniel must make a choice: let the kidnapper drain his energy and watch him rise to power, or sacrifice his own eyes, risking his and his mother's life, and attempt to kill the demon.  (I like this second one best. Though with a few more clarifying details. Hope my comments are helpful!)


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
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Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#111 Rykter

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Posted 27 January 2017 - 06:27 PM

Okay me again! Thanks for your look at my synopsis. I made some changes if you're interested in looking at it again. Now that you have come a long way with your query, I can make comments that are more about fine tuning. 

 

When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture’s mother is snatched to a parallel world, he is willing to give anything to follow her—including his eyes.  A good hook, but you should change the structure of this sentence so it is active, not passive.  When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture discovers his mother has been snatched to a parallel world by a demon, he is willing to give anything to save her—including his eyes. 'Follow her' is not strong enough.

 

[The next moment Daniel wakes up to discover two beams of red light instead of have replaced his real eyes. I think we need a better idea of this. Right now it sounds like he has lasers coming out of his eye sockets.]  This world’s “easy” eye implantation gone wrong. But the world itself also gone wrong: demons, like the creature who kidnapped his mother,  I like how you had it before better. When he crosses the bridge between worlds, he discovers a city where demons roam the streets and kill as they go, smartwatches show the nearest creature, and bookstores sell titles that promise safe evasion from demons in ten easy steps. This last part is eh. I would replace with and eye implants are all the rave. Then the part about his eyes from the beginning of this paragraph. To gain an advantage on the demons, Daniel gets the implants, blood red irises with crystal clear vision. He also meets Datraz warriors, powerful in Aces of telekinesis and telepathy, Datraz warriors are the only ones stopping these demons from wiping out humanity. If Daniel wants to battle the kidnapper and win, he can’t rely on his new razor-sharp vision to help him—he must become a warrior himself.

 

To achieve that goal Determined to become a Datraz warrior himself, he enlists in a military academy and begins his training. Then one night, during guard duty, Daniel tracks down the kidnapper’s accomplice and Not important for the purposes of your query. There he learns that he has a unique telekinetic energy. Obtaining his energy has been the kidnapper’s goal all along—his mother was only the to bait and him within the kidnapper’s demon's grasp. Now Daniel must make a choice: let the kidnapper drain his energy and save himself and his mother, or sacrifice his own eyes to kill the demon. Daniel must either sacrifice his energy to the demon and save his mother, or battle the demon and risk them both.  Or something like that.

 

Hope that helps!



#112 Kat_A_Turner

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Posted 27 January 2017 - 07:51 PM

When a demon snatches thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture’s mother is snatched into a parallel world, he is willing to trade anything to follow her—including his eyes. 

 

But with Daniel's real eyes replaced with two artificial beams of red light, he now resembles the demon who kidnapped his mother. Why is this bad? Wouldn't it be good, that he could blend? Even worse, he is trapped in world where demons roam the streets and kill as they go, smartwatches show the nearest creature, and bookstores sell titles that promise safe evasion from demons in ten easy steps.Cool. 

 

Using his razor-sharp vision, Daniel tracks down the kidnapper’s accomplice and learns that he has a unique telekinetic energy. Obtaining this energy has been the kidnapper’s goal all along—his mother was only the bait—and his artificial eyes are actually a surveillance system.  A little confused on what the red eyes accomplish, what's the significance of the surveillance system and how does it fit in. Now Daniel must make a choice. He can let the kidnapper drain his energy and watch him rise to power, or he can sacrifice his own eyes, risking his and his mother's life, and attempt to kill the demon. Does he have to fight the demon blind, in this scenario? I think that the stakes are starting to make more sense to me.

 

Getting there! I know that it's a maddening situation. I like the version without the warriors, it is more focused. Still a bit fuzzy on the red laser eye/telekenisis connection, and what the kidnapper's interest in Daniel's artificial eyes is. How do they fit into the story and why do they matter? 

 

The stakes are getting clearer and higher, too. I don't think I've mentioned this before, but I LOVE your story title! 



#113 Nonicks

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Posted 28 January 2017 - 08:14 AM

Thanks everybody! Your comments are amazing! I tried to change sentences that were unclear and hopefully this version is better: (Or I could just erase the surveillance system from the previous version and that will solve the problem) 

 

 

When Daniel’s mother is snatched to a parallel world, he is willing to trade anything to save her—including his eyes.

 

Thirteen-year-old Daniel’s eyes were replaced with two artificial red ones, and he now resembles the demon who kidnapped his mother. Even worse, he is trapped in a world where demons roam the streets and kill as they go, smartwatches show the nearest creature, and bookstores sell titles that promise safe evasion from demons in ten easy steps.

 

Using his razor-sharp vision, he spies on the kidnapper, learning her weaknesses. But everything changes when Daniel takes a test to lift a ball using the power of the mind.

 

He discovers that his body contains a unique telekinetic energy. Obtaining this energy has been the demon’s ploy all along—his mother was only the bait. Daniel’s artificial eyes haven’t been implanted to enable him to see, but were used as a surveillance system, and while Daniel was spying on the kidnapper, the kidnapper was also spying on him. Now Daniel must make a choice. He can let the demon drain his energy and watch him rise to power, or he can risk his and his mother's life and attempt to kill the creature.



#114 Kat_A_Turner

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Posted 28 January 2017 - 09:55 AM

When Daniel’s mother is snatched to a parallel world, he is willing to trade anything to save her—including his eyes.

 

Thirteen-year-old Daniel’s eyes were replaced with two artificial red ones, and he now resembles the demon who kidnapped his mother. As you already know, I'm an advocate of using active voice here. Maybe like: "When demons replace 13yo Daniel's eyes w/red ones to further their sinister plot, he gains an asset in his quest to save his mother--he can pass as one of them." But if I'm an outlier, stick with what you have. Even worse, he is trapped in a world where demons roam the streets and kill as they go, smartwatches show the nearest creature, and bookstores sell titles that promise safe evasion from demons in ten easy steps. I still think it would be good to offer some sense of why it's bad that he passes as a demon. "Daniel thought that blending in would offer an advantage, BUT..." 

 

Using his razor-sharp vision, he spies on the kidnapper, learning her weaknesses. Looking good. But everything changes when Daniel takes a test to lift a ball using the power of the mind. I like. 

 

He discovers that his body contains a unique telekinetic energy. Cool. Obtaining this energy has been the demon’s ploy all along—his mother was only the bait. They took mom to lure Daniel into the demon realm-I get it now! The demons used Daniel’s artificial eyes haven’t been implanted to enable him to see, but were used as a surveillance system, and while Daniel was spying on the kidnapper, the kidnapper was also spying on him. Nice. Now Daniel must make a choice. He can let the demon drain his energy and watch him rise to power, or he can risk his and his mother's life and attempt to kill the creature.fiend that...end with a bang. 

 

Getting there! It gets better every revision IMO. You are tightening up. Think active voice for max punch: subject acting on verb. Demons used. Fiend kidnapped. Etc. 



#115 jphollis

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Posted 28 January 2017 - 11:02 AM

Thanks everybody! Your comments are amazing! I tried to change sentences that were unclear and hopefully this version is better: (Or I could just erase the surveillance system from the previous version and that will solve the problem) 

 

 

When Daniel’s mother is snatched to a parallel world, he is willing to trade anything to save her—including his eyes.

 

Thirteen-year-old Daniel’s eyes were replaced with two artificial red ones, and he now resembles the demon who kidnapped his mother. Even worse, he is trapped in a world where demons roam the streets and kill as they go, smartwatches show the nearest creature, and bookstores sell titles that promise safe evasion from demons in ten easy steps.

 

Using his razor-sharp vision, he spies on the kidnapper, learning her weaknesses. But everything changes when Daniel takes a test to lift a ball using the power of the mind. (I think you could make this last part of the sentence have more impact. Instead of saying he took the test, maybe say he aced it or scored higher than anyone in history. Something to validate that he has a unique telekinetic energy as you say in the next paragraph.)

 

He discovers that his body contains a unique telekinetic energy. Obtaining this energy has been the demon’s ploy all along—his mother was only the bait. Daniel’s artificial eyes haven’t been implanted to enable him to see, but were used as a surveillance system, and while Daniel was spying on the kidnapper, the kidnapper was also spying on him (This exlains the surveillance system but it still leaves one huge question: did the demon installhis new eyes? That's what it sounds like. And, if so, why didn't the deomn just take his unique telekinetic power at that moment when Daniel was obviously vulnerable. Where Daniel got the eyes seems pretty important.) Now Daniel must make a choice. He can let the demon drain his energy and watch him rise to power, or he can risk his and his mother's life and attempt to kill the creature.

 

Getting better. Don't give up hope yet!


No query or synopsis up yet. Stay tuned if you wish to reciprocate on a critique I've given you.

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#116 Nonicks

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Posted 28 January 2017 - 12:00 PM

Thank you Kat_A_Turner! I tried to activate my sentences. 

And thank you, jphollis, I don't think I can't explain why the demon didn't take his energy earlier because that would turn this query into a synopsis (the demon was waiting for X to happen, and couldn't take the energy earlier, but X is too much to explain). So I think I'll stick to this revision, hopefully I didn't forget any article or something :wacko:

 

 

When Daniel’s mother is snatched to a parallel world, he is willing to trade anything to save her—including his eyes.

 

But with his real eyes replaced with two artificial red ones, thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture now resembles the demon who kidnapped his mother. Even worse, he is trapped in a world where demons roam the streets and kill as they go, smartwatches show the nearest creature, and bookstores sell titles that promise safe evasion from demons in ten easy steps.

 

Using his razor-sharp vision, he spies on the kidnapper. But everything changes when Daniel aces the test to lift a ball using the power of the mind.

 

He discovers that his body contains a unique telekinetic energy. Obtaining this energy has been the demon’s ploy all along—his mother was only the bait. The demon used Daniel’s artificial eyes as a surveillance system, and while Daniel was spying on the kidnapper, the kidnapper was also spying on him. Now Daniel must make a choice. He can let the demon drain his energy and watch him rise to power, or he can risk his and his mother's life and attempt to kill the creature.



#117 A.Lint

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Posted 28 January 2017 - 01:15 PM

Thank you Kat_A_Turner! I tried to activate my sentences. 

And thank you, jphollis, I don't think I can't explain why the demon didn't take his energy earlier because that would turn this query into a synopsis (the demon was waiting for X to happen, and couldn't take the energy earlier, but X is too much to explain). So I think I'll stick to this revision, hopefully I didn't forget any article or something :wacko:

 

 

When Daniel’s mother is snatched to a parallel world, he is willing to trade anything to save her—including his eyes.

 

But with his real eyes replaced with two artificial red ones, thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture now resembles the demon who kidnapped his mother. Even worse, he is trapped in a world where(space)demons roam the streets and kill as they go, smartwatches show the nearest creature, and bookstores sell titles that promise safe evasion from demons in ten easy steps. 

 

Using his razor-sharp vision, he spies on the kidnapper. But everything changes when Daniel aces the test to lift a ball using the power of the mind. (This feels a bit wordy. You can shorten the prose to "...Daniel aces the test to lift a ball with his mind.") (or something to that effect.)

 

He discovers that his body contains a unique telekinetic energy. Obtaining this energy has been the demon’s ploy all along—his mother was only the bait. (Did Daniel suddenly knew the demon's ploy? Was there an event where he realizes that?) The demon used Daniel’s artificial eyes as a surveillance system, and while Daniel was spying on the kidnapper, the kidnapper was also spying on him. Now Daniel must make a choice. He can let the demon drain his energy and watch him rise to power, or he can risk his and his mother's life and attempt to kill the creature.

 

 

Hey, thanks for your opinion on my query. Everything I wrote above is subjective. I hope you find insights on the questions as well.

 

I've checked your previous revisions and your current one does a better job. Best of luck to all of us!



#118 dragoness

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Posted 29 January 2017 - 03:39 AM

Great! This version is clear and catchy!  :smile:

 

Well done!

 

When Daniel’s mother is snatched to a parallel world, he is willing to trade anything to save her—including his eyes. (Good.)

 

But w With his real eyes replaced with two artificial red ones, thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture now resembles the demon who kidnapped his mother. Even worse, he is trapped in a world where demons roam the streets and kill as they go, smartwatches show the nearest creature, and bookstores sell titles that promise safe evasion from demons in ten easy steps. (it's clear, and your "voice" is attractive.)

 

Using his razor-sharp vision, he spies on the kidnapper. But However, everything changes when Daniel aces the test to lift a ball using the power of the mind. (don't stop here, you're in the middle of the scene of the test.) He discovers that his body contains a unique telekinetic energy. Obtaining this energy has been the demon’s ploy all along—his mother was only the bait. The demon used Daniel’s artificial eyes as a surveillance system, and while Daniel was spying on the kidnapper, the kidnapper was also spying on him.

 

Now Daniel must make a choice. He can let the demon drain his energy and watch him rise to power enslave all mankind, or he can risk his and his mother's life and attempt to kill the creature. (The dilemma is much better here, risking their life against reign of evil. Yet, I think you better specify the meaning of the demon rising to power- in what world? will people be enslaved? killed? all of mankind?)

 

could you look at the changed hook I try? http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/



#119 jphollis

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Posted 29 January 2017 - 03:46 AM

Thank you Kat_A_Turner! I tried to activate my sentences. 

And thank you, jphollis, I don't think I can't explain why the demon didn't take his energy earlier because that would turn this query into a synopsis (the demon was waiting for X to happen, and couldn't take the energy earlier, but X is too much to explain). So I think I'll stick to this revision, hopefully I didn't forget any article or something :wacko:

 

 

When Daniel’s mother is snatched to a parallel world, he is willing to trade anything to save her—including his eyes.

 

But with his real eyes replaced with two artificial red ones, thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture now resembles the demon who kidnapped his mother. Even worse, he is trapped in a world where demons roam the streets and kill as they go, smartwatches show the nearest creature, and bookstores sell titles that promise safe evasion from demons in ten easy steps.

 

Using his razor-sharp vision, he spies on the kidnapper. But everything changes when Daniel aces the test to lift a ball using the power of the mind. (I agree with A. Lint on this one. You could shorten this quite easily and not lose the meaning.)

 

He discovers that his body contains a unique telekinetic energy. Obtaining this energy has been the demon’s ploy all along—his mother was only the bait. The demon used Daniel’s artificial eyes as a surveillance system, and while Daniel was spying on the kidnapper, the kidnapper was also spying on him. (I'm sorry, but I still don't this this surveillance sentence is working so well. It conjures more questions than answers and doesn't add a whole lot to the suspense. If you lose this one sentence, I feel like this last paragraph will be so much tighter.) Now Daniel must make a choice. He can let the demon drain his energy and watch him rise to power, or he can risk his and his mother's life and attempt to kill the creature.

I also like the way dragoness rearranged the paragraphs. 

 

All in all, I think everything is working except that one sentence I mentioned. That is, of course, subjective. But you've come very far with this query and can't imagine that you have much further to go.


No query or synopsis up yet. Stay tuned if you wish to reciprocate on a critique I've given you.

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#120 Nonicks

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Posted 29 January 2017 - 05:23 AM

jphollis, if I add something like,  ...the kidnapper was also spying on him, gaining more power and waiting for the right moment to strike.

Will this answer some of your questions?






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