Thank you for your feedback to my beginning
I think that this query is better than the former one, but not as good as the one before. I don't see how the eyes' issue helps the query, I think it's only adds another complicated issue to explain, instead of the main issue of the kidnapping and the demons.
Here are my detailed comments:
Thank you guys! I tried to combine the two versions because I think this is the thing that makes this novel more than just "a boys goes to school" story. What do you think?
When thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture’s mother is snatched to a parallel world, he is willing to give anything to follow her—including his eyes. (it's good, but I liked the former two-things structure better- maybe you could make it: "Thirteen-year-old Daniel Venture knows two things for sure: his mother is snatched to a parallel world, and he is willing to give anything to follow her—including his eyes.")
The next moment (next to what?) Daniel wakes up (starting with waking up is boring cliche, change this) to discover two beams of red light instead of his real eyes. This world’s (which world?) “easy” (who says it's easy, and why?) eye implantation gone wrong. But the world itself also gone wrong: (Up to here I found the beginning absolutely confusing, I didn't understand who did what to who and why. From here on it's excellent.) demons, like the creature who kidnapped his mother, roam the streets and kill as they go, smartwatches show the nearest creature, and bookstores sell titles that promise safe evasion from demons in ten easy steps. Aces of telekinesis and telepathy, Datraz warriors, are the only ones stopping these demons from wiping out humanity. If Daniel wants to battle the kidnapper and win, he can’t rely on his new razor-sharp vision to help him—he must become a warrior himself. (Great!)
To achieve that goal, he enlists in a military academy
and begins his training. Then one night, during guard duty, Daniel tracks down the kidnapper’s accomplice and learns that he (who's "he"? Daniel or the accomplice?) has a unique telekinetic energy. Obtaining his energy has been the kidnapper’s goal all along—his mother was only the bait and within the kidnapper’s grasp. Now Daniel must make a choice: let the kidnapper drain his energy and save himself and his mother, or sacrifice his own eyes to kill the demon. (The dilemma is still unclear - will their lives be saved anyway?does he have to choose between his energy and sight? what is the meaning of draining his energy?)