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35-word pitch (BEYOND THE NORTH STAR)


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#1 ViviMont

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Posted 07 September 2016 - 09:11 PM

Hi! This one's even harder, fitting everything into a tiny tweet. Any suggestions welcome. :) 

 

1)  PeterPan+GuardiansoftheGalaxy.When exiled Prince crash lands in Cpt. Tethys path, she's sucked into a quest to regain his planet #PitMad #YA

 

2)Cpt.Tethys & exiled Pan must battle furry mercenaries, hungry sirens, & an island breathing with its own mischief to save galaxy #PitMad #YA


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#2 michaelaguil88

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Posted 24 January 2017 - 05:29 PM

Hi! This one's even harder, fitting everything into a tiny tweet. Any suggestions welcome. :) 

 

1)  PeterPan+GuardiansoftheGalaxy.When exiled Prince crash lands in Cpt. Tethys path, she's sucked into a quest to regain his planet #PitMad #YA

 

2)Cpt.Tethys & exiled Pan must battle furry mercenaries, hungry sirens, & an island breathing with its own mischief to save galaxy #PitMad #YA

I feel as though these leave me a bit confused. Are they saving the galaxy at large or only the planet or are they saving the planet by saving the galaxy? With that said, I am personally more intrigued by the second pitch. I would make only minor changes. First, furry mercenaries, are they fantasy mercs covered in fur? Can you simply say mercenaries or is the adjective necessary? I would also like a more sinister word than mischief to describe the island. Finally, just and the definite article before galaxy and I'm sold. Sorta gives me a treasure planet vibe and I like it.



#3 ViviMont

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Posted 26 January 2017 - 09:54 AM

I feel as though these leave me a bit confused. Are they saving the galaxy at large or only the planet or are they saving the planet by saving the galaxy? With that said, I am personally more intrigued by the second pitch. I would make only minor changes. First, furry mercenaries, are they fantasy mercs covered in fur? Can you simply say mercenaries or is the adjective necessary? I would also like a more sinister word than mischief to describe the island. Finally, just and the definite article before galaxy and I'm sold. Sorta gives me a treasure planet vibe and I like it.

Thanks so much, Michael! Back to the drawing board. :)


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#4 theboldfox

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Posted 30 January 2017 - 11:41 AM

2)Cpt.Tethys & exiled Pan must battle furry mercenaries, hungry sirens, & an island breathing with its own mischief to save galaxy #PitMad #YA

 

I sort of liked this, but you need to get rid of what doesn't help. I think naming the two characters doesn't do much. I also think the phrase "an island breathing with its own mischief" is awkward.

 

Maybe (I didn't do the wordcount)

Saving the galaxy is a tough job. Captain Tethys battles furry mercenaries, hungry sirens, and a breathing island. #PitMad #YA


Good karma! Please have a look at my query if you have a moment: http://agentquerycon...s-ya-dystopian/


#5 ViviMont

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 08:40 PM

Any suggestions/help is greatly appreciated! I'll make sure and take a look at your pitch as well. :)

 

 

 

Peter Pan meets Treasure Planet. Captain Tethys abandons a corrupted Resistance in search of her missing uncle, landing her in the path of exiled Prince Pan and on the perilous quest to regain his planet.

 

 

or

 

 

With enemies in common, Captain Tethys and exiled Prince Pan set off on a quest to reclaim his planet--holding much more than just powerful magic--from the greedy grasp of conqueror Wendowlyn Darling.

 

or

 

 

With enemies in common, Captain Tethys and exiled Prince Pan set off on a quest to reclaim his planet from the greedy grasp of conqueror Wendowlyn Darling in this Treasure Planet meets Peter Pan retelling.


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#6 anathebookworm

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Posted 16 February 2017 - 10:38 AM

Any suggestions/help is greatly appreciated! I'll make sure and take a look at your pitch as well. :)

 

 

 

Peter Pan meets Treasure Planet. Captain Tethys abandons a corrupted Resistance I always think that it's best to keep terms out of pitches, because they raise too many questions. While I like this pitch, I don't know what the "Resistance" is. If you find a way to just explain lightly what this is instead of using the term, I think it'd be better. in search of her missing uncle, landing her in the path of exiled Prince Pan and on the perilous quest to regain his planet.

 

 

or

 

 

With enemies in common, Captain Tethys and exiled Prince Pan set off on a quest to reclaim his planet--holding much more than just powerful magic What is this supposed to mean? I'm confused--from the greedy grasp of conqueror Wendowlyn Darling. This one is good too!

 

or

 

 

With enemies in common, Captain Tethys and exiled Prince Pan set off on a quest to reclaim his planet from the greedy grasp of conqueror Wendowlyn Darling in this Treasure Planet meets Peter Pan retelling. Hmm, while this one IS good (I don't think you can ever write something that isn't), I prefer the first two. If you just clarify things a little, they'll shine in no time! :D

 

Hi Vanessa! Thanks for your help with my pitch (again... hahaha) I hope I managed to help too, :)



#7 Nonicks

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Posted 20 February 2017 - 08:25 AM

Any suggestions/help is greatly appreciated! I'll make sure and take a look at your pitch as well. :)

 

 

 

Peter Pan meets Treasure Planet. Captain Tethys abandons a corrupted Resistance in search of her missing uncle, landing her in the path of exiled Prince Pan and on the perilous quest to regain his planet.

 

 

or

 

 

With enemies in common, Captain Tethys and exiled Prince Pan set off on a quest to reclaim his planet--holding much more than just powerful magic--from the greedy grasp of conqueror Wendowlyn Darling.

 

or

 

 

With enemies in common, Captain Tethys and exiled Prince Pan set off on a quest to reclaim his planet from the greedy grasp of conqueror Wendowlyn Darling in this Treasure Planet meets Peter Pan retelling.

 

I liked the first one because from this pitch I could tell who is your MC (Captain Tethys, right?) and that she's a woman. I couldn't tell this from versions 2 and 3 and I think this is an important info. Also, "Peter Pan meets Treasure Planet" are the comp titles, which is important. And basically, you have everything you need from a story in version 1. You have the MC, her problems (corrupted resistance) and her goal (in search of her missing uncle). In short, this is great pitch!



#8 ViviMont

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Posted 20 February 2017 - 01:42 PM

Thank you! Yeah, I think that's my best bet. 


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#9 ViviMont

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Posted 23 February 2017 - 06:55 PM

How about this one?

 

 

 

 

With common enemies, Captain Tethys abandons a corrupted resistance, leading exiled Prince Pan on a quest to reclaim his planet from the greedy grasp of Wendowlyn Darling in this Treasure Planet meets Peter Pan retelling.


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#10 DV77

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Posted 23 February 2017 - 08:49 PM

I think you can drop Wendowlyn's name to be honest. Is Tethys the progtagonist or is it a dual pov? Obviously its just my opinion but I think mentioning more than two names in a 35 word pitch will get confusing, and I'm not really getting a sense of the stakes. Why does Tethys even care about Pan's planet? What's in it for him/her?



#11 Cez

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Posted 23 February 2017 - 11:58 PM

Any suggestions/help is greatly appreciated! I'll make sure and take a look at your pitch as well. :)

 

 

 

Peter Pan meets Treasure Planet. Captain Tethys abandons a corrupted Resistance in search of her missing uncle, landing her in the path of exiled Prince Pan and on the perilous quest to regain his planet. This one!

 

 

or

 

 

With enemies in common, Captain Tethys and exiled Prince Pan set off on a quest to reclaim his planet--holding much more than just powerful magic--from the greedy grasp of conqueror Wendowlyn Darling.

 

or

 

 

With enemies in common, Captain Tethys and exiled Prince Pan set off on a quest to reclaim his planet from the greedy grasp of conqueror Wendowlyn Darling in this Treasure Planet meets Peter Pan retelling.

 

How about this one?

 

 

 

 

With common enemies, Captain Tethys abandons a corrupted resistance, leading exiled Prince Pan on a quest to reclaim his planet from the greedy grasp of Wendowlyn Darling in this Treasure Planet meets Peter Pan retelling.

 

I liked your first one best because if better introduced your main character. You mention she's lost her uncle, and that gives readers something to relate to. I also like the mention of a corrupt resistance.  I'd definitely go with the first one.

 

Good luck in the contest. With a retelling of Peter Pan in space, I don't think they'll pass you over.






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