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The Sum of Who We Are

Young Adult Science Fiction Fiction

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#21 Darkclouds

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Posted 01 November 2016 - 01:51 AM

Helps if you put the last draft post number in the original title . . . .

 

NEWEST DRAFT:

 

Dear Agent,

 

Nineteen-year-old Riley Stapleton has it all figured out; top of her class, and dating the perfect girl.

 

Good. No hook, but I'm not convinced they are always needed.

 

Then, she gets sexually assaulted, and her case goes cold.

 

"Case goes cold is awkward. That takes a long time. Do you mean the police can't find the person who assaulted her? Then just say that.

 

In her alcohol-fueled quest for answers, she hits rock bottom when she’s arrested. As part of her parole, she enlists as a tutor at a local high school. There, she’s assigned to Luke Walker, an eighteen-year-old musical savant caught in the chokehold of his self-destructive impulses.

 

I'm still with you.

 

Luke is in a race against time to trace the origin of these impulses before he acts on the suicidal thoughts that are becoming too strong to resist.

 

Very awkward sentence that tries to cram in too much.

 

As the two work towards uncovering the truth about their pasts, they form a heartfelt bond.

 

You haven't really set up the mystery. Woman raped, attacker gets away. Sad but not uncommon. Young man has suicidal tendencies. Again, sad, but no hidden truth shone in the query.

 

 

But Riley’s trauma and Luke’s demons stand to drive them apart, and if they don’t succeed, what they discover surely will.

 

Okay.

 

For unbeknownst to them, their pasts are intertwined by a suicide.

 

This didn't have any shock values for me. 1st time a suicide has been mentioned, and if true, so what? I didn't understand how pasts could be "intertwined by a suicide." Maybe their kindergarten teacher committed suicide. Show me more mystery and impact.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 65,000-word literary young adult novel told in Luke and Riley’s alternating perspectives.

 

We have a woman who's rapist was never found, and a young man who has destructive thoughts, tied together by a mysterious suicide. Its not fitting together for me.

 

Sincerely,

 

Eric Balson



#22 eric balson

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Posted 03 November 2016 - 03:52 AM

Dear Agent,

 

Nineteen-year-old Riley Stapleton has it all figured out; top of her class, and dating the perfect girl. Then, she gets sexually assaulted, but the suspect gets off scot-free. She spirals out of control, hitting rock bottom when she’s arrested.

 

After her release, Riley embarks on getting her assaulter prosecuted. But a broken justice system threatens to derail her. As part of her parole, she’s assigned to tutor musical savant Luke Walker.

 

Luke is caught in the chokehold of his self-destructive impulses. When his mom dies, he becomes suicidal. Suddenly, Luke’s in a race against time to find a way to vanquish these impulses before he acts on his suicidal thoughts.

 

As the two help each other in their search for answers, they form a heartfelt bond. But what they discover  might drive them apart. That’s if Riley’s trauma and Luke’s demons don’t get to them first.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 65,000-word literary young adult novel told in Luke and Riley’s alternating perspectives.

 

Sincerely,

 

Eric Balson



#23 NoelDwyer

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Posted 04 November 2016 - 04:32 PM

Dear Agent,

 

Nineteen-year-old Riley Stapleton has it all figured out;[colon instead of semi-colon, maybe?] top of her class, and dating the perfect girl. Then, she gets sexually assaulted, but the suspect gets off scot-free. She spirals out of control, hitting rock bottom when she’s arrested. Arrested for what?? That detail seems like it would give me a better sense of her.

Also, everything in this paragraph is stated pretty clinically and distantly. That can be fine, but there may be punchier (more specific, maybe voicier) ways to get all this across.

 

After her release, Riley embarks on getting her assaulter prosecuted. How? What can a teenager (or early twenty-something) do? And how long was she in jail? It sounded like she was in college--is her college career over, or does she go back to school? What happened to her girlfriend? I feel like I need slightly more of a picture of Riley's situation post-prison. But a broken justice system threatens to derail her. More specifics might help. What did she try, and how did it fail? As part of her parole, she’s assigned to tutor musical savant Luke Walker. (How old is he? Roughly her age? Much younger?)

 

Luke is caught in the chokehold of his self-destructive impulses. When his mom dies, he becomes suicidal. Does this happen before or after Riley starts tutoring him? Suddenly, Luke’s in a race against time to find a way to vanquish these impulses before he acts on his suicidal thoughts. Can you be more concrete? What do Luke's impulses lead him to do? How does he try to change? How does Riley fit into that? What does it mean to her to deal with someone in a self-destructive spiral like she was in?

 

As the two help each other in their search for answers, they form a heartfelt bond. But what they discover  might drive them apart. Discover about what? You can keep some secrets, but I don't feel like I have a grasp of what plotline they embark on yet, or what they try to accomplish, and how. That’s if Riley’s trauma and Luke’s demons don’t get to them first. Wait, so ... IF Riley's trauma and Luke's demons DON'T get to them first, what they discover will drive them apart? That's ... a little disheartening. If you don't have a win condition, you don't really have stakes.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 65,000-word literary young adult novel told in Luke and Riley’s alternating perspectives.

 

Sincerely,

 

Eric Balson



#24 RachelThijssen

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Posted 04 November 2016 - 04:38 PM

Dear Agent,

 

Nineteen-year-old Riley Stapleton has it all figured out; top of her class, and dating the perfect girl. Then, she gets sexually assaulted, but the suspect gets off scot-free. She spirals out of control, hitting rock bottom when she’s arrested. I'm kind of at a loss of why she gets arrested as a victim? You could try to explain this in a few words :)

 

After her release, Riley embarks on getting her assaulter prosecuted. But a broken justice system threatens to derail her. As part of her parole, she’s assigned to tutor musical savant Luke Walker. Interesting.

 

Luke is caught in the chokehold of his self-destructive impulses. When his mom dies, he becomes suicidal. Suddenly, Luke’s in a race against time to find a way to vanquish these impulses before he acts on his suicidal thoughts. I'm glad this topic gets discussed, to be honest. Curious to see how you described this.

 

As the two help each other in their search for answers, they form a heartfelt bond. I do wonder what happened to the girlfriend? Is she still in te picture? I'm guessing their bond is friendship, not romance. But what they discover  might drive them apart. That’s if Riley’s trauma and Luke’s demons don’t get to them first. I think you can remove the last line or replace it with something else.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 65,000-word literary young adult novel told in Luke and Riley’s alternating perspectives.

 

Sincerely,

 

Eric Balson

 

Your query sounds pretty solid. There's only a few small things I would change, but it sounds interesting to me.



#25 Mezzanine

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Posted 09 November 2016 - 09:30 AM

Maybe this is just me, but I don’t buy the premise that a nineteen-year-old would be assigned to tutor a musical savant as part of her parole. Her being in class suggests her being in college, which, without her being some kind of prodigy herself, doesn’t make her out to be someone who could tutor anyone, let alone a musical prodigy. Would the police really want someone with legal troubles to tutor to some young, impressionable kid who stands to be the next Mozart or Beethoven? Also, this reads to me as a series of events, not as a story with a plot. You need to show more of the characters making choices, the stakes, the deeper conflict, and how they react. Hope this helps. Best of luck to you!



#26 eric balson

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Posted 31 December 2016 - 03:51 AM

Dear Agent,

 

Eighteen-year-old musical savant Luke Walker is caught in the chokehold of his self-destructive impulses.

 

Luke had been able to keep them at bay through his music, until he became plagued with composer’s block after his mom died. Now they’ve turned suicidal. He joins a music class hoping to reignite his creative spark. There he meets nineteen-year-old Riley Stapleton.

 

Riley had it all figured out: lead singer of a band, top of her class, and dating the perfect girl. Then, she got sexually assaulted, the resulting trauma causing her to spiral out of control, tank her relationship, and get arrested. She embarks on a fresh start, after her release, when she leaves college, and takes up a tutoring position at the school Luke enrolls in.

 

As Riley aids Luke in rediscovering his magical touch, they form a heartfelt bond. But when a secret which interweaves their pasts is revealed, the two must decide if their relationship is worth saving. Ending it could mean succumbing to their demons.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 63,000-word young adult novel told in Luke and Riley’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.



#27 wildworks

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Posted 31 December 2016 - 09:02 PM

Dear Agent,

 

Eighteen-year-old musical savant Luke Walker is caught in the chokehold of his self-destructive impulses. (This isn’t very grabbing because it only shows us a character with an ability and a flaw, but no tangible conflict relevant to the plot.)

 

Luke had been able to keep them at bay through his music, until he became plagued with composer’s block after his mom died. Now they’ve turned suicidal. (Using a plural noun to describe one character’s conflict is jarring.) He joins a music class hoping to reignite his creative spark. There he meets nineteen-year-old Riley Stapleton.

 

Riley had has it all figured out: lead singer of a band, top of her class, and dating the perfect girl. Then, she got sexually assaulted, the resulting trauma causing her to spiral out of control, tank her relationship, and get arrested. She embarks on a fresh start, after her release, when she leaves college, and takes up a tutoring position at the school Luke enrolls in. (Everything so far has been character set up.)

 

As Riley aids Luke in rediscovering his magical touch, they form a heartfelt bond. But when a secret which interweaves their pasts is revealed, the two must decide if their relationship is worth saving. Ending it could mean succumbing to their demons. (This is all too vague. So far, you’ve only given character set up and the hint of a plot. The plot and conflict is what makes a reader empathize, not sad back story. Remember, agents are cold-hearted, and you need to crack that ice with conflict.)

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 63,000-word young adult novel told in Luke and Riley’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.

 

Hope this helps.



#28 wildworks

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Posted 02 January 2017 - 09:38 PM

Eighteen-year-old musical savant Luke Walker is caught in the chokehold of his self-destructive impulses.

 

Luke had been able to keep them at bay through his music, until he became plagued with composer’s block after his mom died. Now they’ve turned suicidal. He joins a music class hoping to reignite his creative spark. There he meets nineteen-year-old Riley Stapleton.

 

Riley had it all figured out: lead singer of a band, top of her class, and dating the perfect girl. Then, she got sexually assaulted, the resulting trauma causing her to spiral out of control, tank her relationship, and get arrested. She embarks on a fresh start, after her release, when she leaves college, and takes up a tutoring position at the school Luke enrolls in.

 

(Everything before this point is back story. Backstory is more important in literary works than thriller's like I'm doing. But you still need to take those three paragraphs and tighten them into one, two max. Also, you should pick one character to follow, and show us the other through the first character's eyes.) (This is where the plot starts.)As Riley aids Luke in rediscovering his magical touch,  (Explain what this magical touch is, and why it's so important to the character's )they form a heartfelt bond. (What sort of bond. Be specific.)  But when a secret which interweaves their pasts is revealed, (This is your conflict. Expand on this and don't keep secrets, unless it's the end of the book.)  the two must decide if their relationship is worth saving. (This is the main choice your characters must make. Expand and show us how much it will hurt, or help them if they choose "A" or "B.")    Ending it could mean succumbing to their demons. (This is the stakes. These demons should be explained in the character set up, then clearly and concisely restated here.)

 

 

If your having trouble nailing down the plot, I suggest you write a lengthy query (up to 400 words.) Give us everything but the ending. Then people will point to all the things you need to keep and strike out the stuff you don't need. And remember, no one is going to tell you how to write the perfect query, and you will receive a lot of conflicting opinions. What you will find out, it that something is wrong, and you will have to trial-and-error it until you hit on something most people like. Don't give up, it took me two years to write a good query for my first book.

 

Hope this helps.



#29 jphollis

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Posted 04 January 2017 - 07:07 PM

Dear Agent,

 

Eighteen-year-old musical savant Luke Walker is caught in the chokehold of his self-destructive impulses. (Like the beginning of this sentence, but not the end. It's too vague.)

 

Luke had been able to keep them at bay through his music (This could be shorter and snappier), until he became plagued with composer’s block after his mom died. Now they’ve ('they've'? You mean his impulses? Grammatically correct, yes, but still a bit confusing.) turned suicidal. He joins a music class hoping to reignite his creative spark. There he meets nineteen-year-old Riley Stapleton.

 

Riley had it all figured out: lead singer of a band, top of her class, and dating the perfect girl. Then, she got sexually assaulted, the resulting trauma causing her to spiral out of control, tank her relationship, and get arrested. She embarks on a fresh start, after her release, when she leaves college, and takes up a tutoring position at the school Luke enrolls in.

 

As Riley aids Luke in rediscovering his magical touch, they form a heartfelt bond. But when a secret which interweaves their pasts is revealed, the two must decide if their relationship is worth saving. Ending it could mean succumbing to their demons.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 63,000-word young adult novel told in Luke and Riley’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.

 

This genre is certainly not my expertise, so I can't comment with much confidence, but I like the main ideas touched on in this query. The structure seems sound, but I feel like more specifics would make this query stand out more. For example, after reading this, here are a few things I don't know but could probably be inserted with some careful word smithing: what kind of music does Luke compose? What kind of band was Riley in? If it was someone she knew who assaulted her, then who? Would this make her wary of getting close to men again?What are Luke's self-destructive habits? How does Riley's life spiral out of control? Just some thoughts.

 

If you have a chance, please have a look at my updated query here.


My Synopsis: House of Ashes

______________________

 

My Blog: jphollis.com


#30 danipie

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Posted 04 January 2017 - 10:57 PM

Dear Agent,

 

Eighteen-year-old musical savant Luke Walker is caught in the chokehold of his self-destructive impulses.

 

Luke had been able to keep them at bay through his music, until he became plagued with composer’s block after his mom died. Now they’ve turned suicidal. He joins a music class hoping to reignite his creative spark. There he meets nineteen-year-old Riley Stapleton.

 

Riley had it all figured out: lead singer of a band, top of her class, and dating the perfect girl. Then, she got sexually assaulted, the resulting trauma causing her to spiral out of control, tank her relationship, and get arrested. She embarks on a fresh start, after her release, when she leaves college, and takes up a tutoring position at the school Luke enrolls in. Okay, I think this paragraph needs to slow down a little. There are so many parts to these sentences and you can definitely divide them up a little better to make it flow better. the last sentence is super choppy. But I think the information given is gooed

 

As Riley aids Luke in rediscovering his magical touch, they form a heartfelt bond. But when a secret which interweaves their pasts is revealed this feels vague, I wouldn't be too afraid to reveal a tiny bit more, the two must decide if their relationship is worth saving. Ending it could mean succumbing to their demons I feel like I don't have a handle on Riley's demons as much as Luke's.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 63,000-word young adult novel told in Luke and Riley’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.

 

if you have time i would appreciate you having a look at my query as well :) http://agentquerycon...revision-in-25/



#31 dragoness

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Posted 05 January 2017 - 06:35 AM

The story sounds both very touching and interesting  :smile: .

 

I think you better start the query with Riley - her story is heartbreaking and dramatic, while Luke's story is more elusive and introverted. Hence, her story's hook would better catch the eye of the agent, IMO.

 

Maybe you should also improve the dilemma in the end. Otherwise, it looks like it's obvious what they should do (stay together), and there's no real dilemma, only internal difficulties.

 

Good Luck!



#32 eric balson

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Posted 29 March 2017 - 02:52 PM

Dear Agent,

 

Eighteen-year-old musical savant Luke Walker is caught in the chokehold of his self-destructive impulses. Luke had been able to keep his demons at bay through his music. Until, he became plagued with composer’s block after his mom died. Now his impulses have turned suicidal. He joins a music class hoping to reignite his creative spark. There he meets nineteen-year-old Riley Stapleton.

 

Riley had it all figured out: lead singer of a band, top of her class, and dating the perfect girl. Then, she got sexually assaulted, the resulting trauma causing her to tank her relationship and get arrested. After her release, Riley embarks on a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at the school Luke enrolls in.

 

As Riley aids Luke in rediscovering his magical touch, they form a heartfelt bond. But when a secret which interweaves their pasts is revealed, the two must decide if their relationship is worth saving.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 63,000-word young adult novel told in Luke and Riley’s alternating perspectives.



#33 Chuck_Spragins

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Posted 29 March 2017 - 04:25 PM

Dear Agent,

 

Eighteen-year-old musical savant Luke Walker is caught in the chokehold of his self-destructive impulses. Luke had been able to keep his demons at bay through his music. Until, he became plagued with composer’s block after his mom died. How about reversing the order and using the active voice - Until his mom died and composer`s block plagued (word choice - maybe consumed or gripped) him. Now his impulses have turned suicidal. He joins a music class hoping to reignite his creative spark. There he meets nineteen-year-old Riley Stapleton.

 

Riley had it all figured out: lead singer of a band, top of her class, and dating the perfect girl. Then, she got sexually assaulted,.t The resulting trauma causing her to tank her relationship and get arrested. After her release, Riley embarks on a fresh start. Embark and fresh start are repetitive. Chose one.  She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at the school Luke enrolls in.

 

As Riley aids Luke in rediscovering his magical touch, they form a heartfelt bond. But when a secret which interweaves their pasts is revealed, the two must decide if their relationship is worth saving.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 63,000-word young adult novel told in Luke and Riley’s alternating perspectives.

 

Loved it! Good luck!



#34 eric balson

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Posted 03 April 2017 - 03:57 PM

Eighteen-year-old musical savant Luke is caught in the chokehold of his self-destructive impulses. Luke had been able to keep his demons at bay through his music. Until, he became plagued with composer’s block after his mom died. Now his impulses have turned suicidal. He joins a music class hoping to reignite his creative spark. There he meets nineteen-year-old Riley.

 

Riley had it all figured out: lead singer of a band, dating the perfect girl and one of the brains behind a new memory erasure technology. Then, she got sexually assaulted, the resulting trauma causing her to tank her relationship and get arrested. After her release, Riley embarks on a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at the school Luke enrolls in.

 

As Riley aids Luke in rediscovering his magical touch, they form a heartfelt bond. But when a secret about the memory erasure technology is revealed, the two must decide if their relationship is worth saving.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 63,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Luke and Riley’s alternating perspectives. 



#35 perpetual

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Posted 04 April 2017 - 10:31 AM

Eighteen-year-old musical savant Luke is caught in the chokehold of his self-destructive impulses. Luke has been able to keep his demons at bay through his music. Until, he becomes plagued with composer’s block after his mom dies. Now his impulses have turned suicidal. He joins a music class hoping to reignite his creative spark. There he meets nineteen-year-old Riley. Don't forget to keep your query in the present!! :)

 

Riley has it all figured out: lead singer of a band, dating the perfect girl and one of the brains behind a new memory erasure technology. After getting sexually assaulted, however, the resulting trauma causes her to tank her relationship and get arrested. After her release, Riley embarks on a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at Luke's school.

 

As Riley aids Luke in rediscovering his magical touch, they form a heartfelt bond. But when a secret about the memory erasure technology is revealed, the two must decide if their relationship is worth saving. Any other stakes? Also, I'm wondering if Riley is temped to use the technology to erase her memory of the assault. That may be a good detail/source of conflict if it works within your novel.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 63,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Luke and Riley’s alternating perspectives. 

 

Sounds good otherwise! :)

 

If you have a chance, I have a new version of my query posted that I'd love your thoughts on :)


Query: Click here.

 


#36 Bananas

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Posted 04 April 2017 - 11:21 PM

Eighteen-year-old musical savant Luke is caught in the chokehold of his self-destructive impulses. This sentence is too vague.  I'm not sure what you mean by self-destructive impulses.  This one phrase can run the gamut from heroin to McDonald's to playing Russian roulette.  Luke had been able to keep his demons at bay through his music. What demons?  Literal demons?  Because that would be super interesting.  Just jokes.  Seriously though, get specific.  Until, he became plagued with composer’s block after his mom died. This is a sentence fragment.  Now his impulses have turned suicidal. Again, what impulses?  Is he slamming Big Macs, hoping to die from heart disease or diabetes?  He joins a music class hoping to reignite his creative spark. And then what?  He'll be fine?  I'm not sure if we're to think he'll actually be fine, or if we're to think he's being falsely optimistic.  There he meets nineteen-year-old Riley.  Guy or girl?  I don't have a picture and that's a problem.

 

Riley had it all figured out: lead singer of a band, dating the perfect girl and one of the brains behind a new memory erasure technology. Rock star scientist?  Then, she got sexually assaulted, the resulting trauma causing her to tank her relationship and get arrested. After her release, Riley embarks on a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at the school Luke enrolls in.  This section is the most solid part of this query.

 

As Riley aids Luke in rediscovering his magical touch, they form a heartfelt bond. This sentence is fairly light and really doesn't tell us anything specific.  But when a secret secret?  Tell us.  Secrets in queries have the effect of turning off agents, not enticing them to read more.  about the memory erasure technology is revealed, the two must decide if their relationship is worth saving.  I don't follow this at all.  I think the "must decide if their relationship is worth saving" is implying that they're going to do a brain wipe and forget everything, but that's far from clear.  

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 63,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Luke and Riley’s alternating perspectives. 



#37 danipie

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Posted 05 April 2017 - 05:57 PM

Eighteen-year-old musical savant Luke is caught in the chokehold of his self-destructive impulses. Luke had been able to keep his demons at bay through his music.Perhaps these first couple sentences would feel a little less vague if you mentioned what self-destructive impulses/demons. Until, awkward comma?he became plagued with composer’s block after his mom died. Now his impulses have turned suicidal. He joins a music class hoping to reignite his creative spark. There he meets nineteen-year-old Riley.

 

Riley had it all figured out: lead singer of a band, dating the perfect girl and one of the brains behind a new memory erasure technology. Then, she got sexually assaulted, the resulting trauma causing her to tank her relationship and get arrested. After her release, Riley embarks on a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at the school Luke enrolls in.

 

As Riley aids Luke in rediscovering his magical touch, they form a heartfelt bond. But when a secret about the memory erasure technology is revealed, the two must decide if their relationship is worth saving. I would say this last paragraph falls a bit flat and you could do with a little bit more detail. Perhaps mention specifically that she does become Luke's tutor to connect this paragraph to the last one and flesh out their relationship a little bit more, including what the memory erasure technology has to do with it... I don't really understand WHY their relationship would be worth saving, so maybe something to keep in mind.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 63,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Luke and Riley’s alternating perspectives. 



#38 Paulsvault

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Posted 07 April 2017 - 07:00 PM

Eighteen-year-old musical savant Luke is caught in the chokehold of his self-destructive impulses. < I like that, just elaborate on the impulses. Luke had been able to keep his demons at bay through his music. Until,(delete comma) he becomes plagued with composer’s block after his mom died. Now his impulses (change this when you elaborate on the above) have turned suicidal. He joins a music class hoping to reignite his creative spark and meets nineteen-year-old Riley.

 

Riley had it all figured out: lead singer of a band, dating the perfect girl and one of the brains behind a new memory erasure technology. Then, she got sexually assaulted, the resulting trauma causing her to tank her relationship and get arrested. After her release, Riley embarks on a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at the school Luke enrolls in.

 

As Riley aids Luke in rediscovering his magical (maybe musical touch to keep readers from thinking there is real magic?) touch, they form a heartfelt bond. But when a secret about the memory erasure technology is revealed, the two must decide if their relationship is worth saving. Just a bit more detail here to get that 'bang'

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 63,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Luke and Riley’s alternating perspectives. 

 

I'm no pro, so take it for what it's worth.

Give mine a whirl if you get some time, I feel that it yearns for corrections.


The Warrior's Crown Query: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown First 250: http://agentquerycon...warriors-crown/

The Warrior's Crown Hook: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=337108

 

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. - James Douglas Morrison

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. - Ray Bradbury

 


#39 eric balson

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Posted 15 April 2017 - 08:53 AM

Nineteen-year-old Riley has it all figured out: lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl and one of the brains behind a new memory erasure device. Then she gets sexually assaulted by a close uncle, the resulting trauma causing her to tank her relationship and get arrested. After her release, Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block.

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two form a relationship. But after Riley discovers Luke is responsible for the tragedy that inspired her to create her device, she is faced with a choice. Either soldier on with the scars from being hurt again by someone close to her, or use her invention to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories. Doing so could mean Riley losing her identity.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 63,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.



#40 ddcash80

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Posted 15 April 2017 - 11:28 AM

Nineteen-year-old Riley has it all figured out: lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl and one of the brains (read fast, sounds like she's dating one of the brains) -- I suggest add "and she's one of the brains" behind a new memory erasure device. Then  When she gets sexually assaulted by a close uncle, the resulting trauma causing her to tank her relationship and get arrested for? a simple statement would clarify. After her release, Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, where she is assigned to eighteen-year-old we can assume they are similar age Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block.

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two form a relationship what kind of relationship? friendship (say this instead, if this is the case)? is she bi? maybe mention that conversion if they are in a real relationship. But after Riley discovers Luke is responsible for the tragedy vague-- you didn't mention anything about this, so the reader has no connection to it that inspired her to create her device, she is faced with a choice. Either soldier on (i'd prefer a real verb instead of cliche "soldier on")  with the scars from being hurt again by someone close to her, or use her invention to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories. Doing so could mean Riley losing her identity. redundant -- you already said she would lose her memories

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 63,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Young Adult, Science Fiction, Fiction

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