Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

The Sum of Who We Are

Young Adult Science Fiction Fiction

  • Please log in to reply
67 replies to this topic

#41 emhop

emhop

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 35 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 17 April 2017 - 09:44 PM

My 2cents...

 

 

Nineteen-year-old Riley has it all figured out: lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and one of the brains behind a new memory erasure memory-erasing device. Then But when she gets is sexually assaulted by a close her uncle, the resulting trauma causes her to tank her relationship (does it just affect her relationship?) and get arrested (why is she arrested? if this relates to her relationship or something else, say so). Seeking a fresh start after her release, she leaves (drops out, perhaps) college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block.

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two form a relationship (romantic, friendship? You mention she dated the perfect girl so I'm assuming she's either gay or bi.) But after Riley discovers Luke is responsible for the tragedy that inspired her to create her device, (did she create the device first, then afterward get assaulted? Or was she assaulted then decided to create the device? How is Luke responsible?) she is faced with a choice. Either soldier on with the scars from being hurt again by someone close to her, or use her invention to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories (is it just the painful memories the device erases or every memory?). Doing so could mean Riley losing her identity. 

 

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 63,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.

 

This is what I got from your query. A girl is sexually abused. Creates a device. Meets a boy. Is hurt again. Wants to use the device. 

 

If this is not correct, then I would suggest going back and tweaking some lines to clarify your plot. I get that if she uses the device, she'll have no memory of anything. But maybe find a way to beef up the stakes in your query. Also, no idea how she goes about creating this device. I'm assuming she's smart? More than anything, I'm confused about the timeline. If she is first assaulted, then comes up with the device, she has motive. But she apparently doesn't even use it. If it's the other way around, why did she even help create it? She's in college. Is her major related to the device? Was it a project? I realize not everything has to be said in the query, but as is, your letter was confusing to follow. It sounds like a great concept though. Good luck!



#42 gigigriffis

gigigriffis

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 58 posts
  • Literary Status:self-published
  • LocationEurope
  • Publishing Experience:Eleven travel guides (self-published for speed reasons). Featured in Forbes, New York Times, Get Lost Magazine, Huffington Post, etc.

Posted 18 April 2017 - 01:00 AM

Nineteen-year-old Riley has it all figured out: lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl and one of the brains behind a new memory erasure device. <-- Is Riley the brains or is the girl she's dating? If it's Riley, I suggest adding an Oxford comma here for clarity - without it it sounds like she's dating the perfect girl who is one of the brains behind a new memory erasure device. Then she gets sexually assaulted by a close uncle. The resulting trauma causes <-- more in the moment than "ing" her to tank her relationship and get arrested <-- How does the trauma lead to arrest?.

 

After her release, Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block.

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two form a relationship. But after Riley discovers Luke is responsible for the tragedy that inspired her to create her device, she is faced with a choice. Either soldier on with the scars from being hurt again by someone close to her, or use her invention to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories. Doing so could mean Riley losing her identity.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 63,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.


Will you take a peek at my query?

 

Sincerely,

 

Gigi Griffis

Copywriter, Content Strategist, & Travel Guide Author

Blog  /  Website  /  Facebook  /  Twitter


#43 RosieSkye

RosieSkye

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 623 posts
  • Literary Status:agented
  • LocationUS Southwest

Posted 19 April 2017 - 12:23 AM

Nineteen-year-old Riley has it all figured out: she's the lead singer of her band, she's dating the perfect girl and is one of the brains behind a new memory erasure device. (This last part comes a bit out of nowhere. Is she a medical genius or something? How does this device fit into the rest of her life?) Then she gets sexually assaulted by an close uncle, the resulting trauma causing her to tank her relationship and get arrested (what does she do to get arrested?). After her release, Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block.

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two form a relationship. (What kind of relationship?) But after Riley discovers Luke is responsible for the tragedy that inspired her to create her device (What tragedy? This should be introduced up front if it's a major plot point), she is faced with a choice: (colon) Either soldier on with the scars from being hurt again by someone close to her, or use her invention to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories. Doing so could mean Riley losing her identity. (Yeah, you definitely need to flesh out how Luke was responsible for her pain, since it plays into your stakes, too.)

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 63,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.

 

 

Hope this helps!



#44 dragoness

dragoness

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 253 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationEurope

Posted 20 April 2017 - 08:10 AM

I think this version is much clearer and better!

 

Here are my detailed comments:

 

Until she got sexually assaulted, nineteen-year-old Riley had it all figured out: she was a lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and one of the brains behind a new memory erasure device. (I tried to change it because I think that your beginning was trivial and not interesting enough, and that you better put the interesting part, which make us identify with your MC, as soon as possible)

 

After the assault Then she gets sexually assaulted by a close uncle, the resulting trauma is causing her to tank her relationship and get arrested. Then, after her release, Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block after his mother's death. (more interesting that way, IMO)

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two form a relationship. But after Riley discovers Luke is responsible for the tragedy that inspired her to create her device, she is faced with a though choice. Either soldier on with the scars from being hurt again by someone close to her, or if she'll use her invention to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, it . Doing so could mean Riley losing her identity. (You had too many ingredients in the choice so it wasn't clear. Doesn't she have a hope to have good relationship with Luke? otherwise it's a choice between two depressing option, as the reader is concerned.)

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 63,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.

 

 I'd be happy to hear your opinion about my new version: http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/



#45 eric balson

eric balson

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 65 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 12 May 2017 - 01:13 PM

Until she got sexually assaulted by her uncle, nineteen-year-old Riley had it all figured out: she was lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and was one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device.

 

After the trauma from her rape causes her to tank her relationship, Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block after his mom’s death.

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two form a romance. But when Luke betrays her, Riley is faced with a choice: either she copes with the scars from being hurt again by someone close to her, or uses the device to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories. Doing so could mean Riley losing her identity.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.



#46 jswen

jswen

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 54 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 12 May 2017 - 03:12 PM

Until she got sexually assaulted by her uncle, Maybe it's preference, but I think this would work better at the end of this first paragraph as a hook. nineteen-year-old Riley had it all figured out: she was lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and was one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device. (seems oddly specific)

 

I would also try to keep it in the same tense throughout, even if this stuff has happened before the story. 

 

After the trauma from her rape causes her to tank her relationship, (This could be strengthened in active voice: 'She tanks the perfect relationship with the perfect girl' Then maybe list a couple of other things that go wrong?) Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college ('drops out' would be more dramatic) and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. (and begins tutoring music) There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant (if he is a savant, I would think he would be better than her, being only one year younger... but I may have that word confused?) plagued with composer’s block after his mom’s death.

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two form a romance. But when Luke betrays her, Riley is faced with a choice: either she copes with the scars from being hurt again by someone close to her, or uses the device to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories. (are there any other risks involved? this is an experimental device, right? sounds dangerous... like maybe she will completely lose her mind???) Doing so could mean Riley losing her identity.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.

Thanks for the feedback on mine! You've got the makings of a great query here. Keep it up!



#47 dragoness

dragoness

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 253 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationEurope

Posted 14 May 2017 - 01:14 AM

It's very good!  :smile:

 

I think that apart from the ending which still needs a bit of work, you're almost there:

Until she got sexually assaulted by her uncle, nineteen-year-old Riley had it all figured out: she was lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and was one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device. (a very intriguing hook, IMO!)

 

After the trauma from her rape causes her to tank her relationship (the sentence is unclear, IMO, because the "After" comes before two connected events. I would change it to "The trauma from her rape causes her to tank her relationship. When Riley seeks a fresh start, she leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class.") , Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block after his mom’s death. (Good!)

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two form a romance. But when Luke betrays her (can you detail is a bit? it seems like a crucial turn), Riley is faced with a choice: either she copes with the scars from being hurt again by someone close to her, or uses the device to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories. Doing so could mean Riley losing her identity. (It's three components of a choice again, which make the choice and the ending very unclear. What about something like: "Riley has to choose whether to use the device, which would wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, but could also make her lose her identity.")

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT (italicize it, not CAPS).

 

Thanks for critiquing my query again :smile: .

 

I changed mainly my hook by now. Would you care to have a look? http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/



#48 eric balson

eric balson

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 65 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 03 June 2017 - 01:03 PM

Until she got sexually assaulted by her uncle, nineteen-year-old Riley had it all figured out: she was lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and was one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device.

 

Riley seeks a fresh start after the trauma from her rape causes her to tank her relationship. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block after his mom’s death.

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two form a romance. But when she discovers Luke’s involvement in a tragedy that inspired her to create the device, Riley has to decide whether to use it to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories. Doing so could mean Riley losing her identity.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.



#49 Olive K. Aristen

Olive K. Aristen

    O. Aristen

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 101 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:None (YET), though I did win an award for an unpublished manuscript.

Posted 06 June 2017 - 04:53 PM

Hey, thanks for looking over my query. Here are my thoughts on yours.

 

 

Until she got sexually assaulted by her uncle, nineteen-year-old Riley had it all figured out: she was lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and was one of the brains behind her university’s an experimental memory-erasing device. This is a pretty long sentence. I suggest these edits to whittle it down a bit, but maybe you can come up with something better...?

 

Riley seeks a fresh start aAfter the trauma from her rape causes her to tank her relationship, Riley seeks a fresh start. Or needs a fresh start. You could also just leave this part out and start right off with the next sentence. >> She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. Class or school? There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block after his mom’s death.

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two form a romance. But when she discovers Luke’s involvement in a tragedy that inspired her to create the memory-erasing device, Riley has to decide whether to use it to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories. Doing so could mean Riley losing her identity. << So here, I can see you writing, "...painful memories, even if it means losing her identity." Or something the lines of "But doing so could erase her entire Identity" or something like that.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT. Italics on the title is supposedly what you're supposed to do for other titles.../shrug

 

 

Pretty solid. Nice job. :smile: 


Current query for critique: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=340722


#50 dragoness

dragoness

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 253 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationEurope

Posted 07 June 2017 - 02:02 AM

It's definitely better  :smile:

 

Few small comments:

Until she got sexually assaulted by her uncle, nineteen-year-old Riley had it all figured out: she was lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and was one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device. (good)

 

After the trauma from her rape, causes her to tank her relationship, Riley seeks a fresh start. (the sentence sounded weird, and you can do without the relationship part) She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block after his mom’s death. (good)

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two form a romance. But When she discovers Luke (hided his)’s involvement in a tragedy that inspired her to create the device, Riley feels betrayed again. Now she has to decide whether to use it the device to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, although it . Doing so could mean Riley losing her entire identity. (The choice was clear now, but the sentence was too long and complicated to be strong. I tried to split it into two- one for the betrayal, the other for the choice.)

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s More Happy Than Not.

 

Thanks for commenting on my query!

 

Would you like to see my new hook? http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/



#51 AJTaylor

AJTaylor

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 92 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationUnited Kingdom
  • Publishing Experience:published adult non-fiction; last book was The Sacred Sites Bible (Godsfield, 2010).

Posted 20 June 2017 - 03:21 PM

Hi,

 

Thanks for your comments on my query. Sorry it has taken so long to get to yours. I left the site for a while.

 

So, I like that yours is now very short and to the point, but I think there are two problems, and both relate to Luke. The first is mention of his involvement of a tragedy that relates to Riley's invention. 'Involvement' sounds so vague, that it doesn't explain to me why she want want to erase all memories. I'm left with a big question-mark. And not in a good way, but in the sense of - the whole story seems to hang on this, and I have no idea if what you have written is believable/exciting/whatever or not.

 

The second problem is that we know nothing about Luke's character, and he is one of your alternating view-points, so I think we need to know he is relatable, interesting, someone we want to spend a lot of time with. At present, he seems like a big mystery.

 

Hope that helps.

 

Tony

 

ps I will update my query later today if you are still interested

 

 

 

 

 

Until she got sexually assaulted by her uncle, nineteen-year-old Riley had it all figured out: she was lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and was one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device.

 

Riley seeks a fresh start after the trauma from her rape causes her to tank her relationship. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block after his mom’s death.

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two form a romance. But when she discovers Luke’s involvement in a tragedy that inspired her to create the device, Riley has to decide whether to use it to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories. Doing so could mean Riley losing her identity.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.



#52 eric balson

eric balson

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 65 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 16 July 2017 - 11:46 AM

Until she got sexually assaulted by her uncle, nineteen-year-old Riley had it all figured out: she was lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and was one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device.

 

After the trauma from her rape causes her to tank her relationship, Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block since his mom’s death.

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two form a romance. But when she discovers Luke’s involvement in a tragedy that inspired her to create the device, Riley feels betrayed again. Now she has to decide whether to use it to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, even though it could erase her entire identity.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.



#53 TheBest

TheBest

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 63 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:I've just finished my first young and new adult Sci-fi novel, which I'm very proud of, and eager to get published. I've written two plays and a novella, self-published online.

Posted 16 July 2017 - 12:18 PM

Until she got sexually assaulted by her uncle, nineteen-year-old Riley had it all figured out: she was lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and was one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device. (This pulls me in, but it's a little long. Consider splitting it in two sentences.)

 

After the trauma from her rape causes her to tank her relationship(Awkward. Try 'her relationship to tank'), Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block since his mom’s death. 

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two form a romance. But when she discovers Luke’s involvement in a tragedy that inspired her to create the device, Riley feels betrayed again. Now she has to decide whether to use it to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, even though it could erase her entire identity. (OH! Yum. This pulled me in. Agents will like this. Know I did.)

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.

 

​This is a great plot, and an outstanding premise! However, some of the wording feels odd or awkward. It is very clear though, nothing coming through as muddled or difficult to understand. Maybe beef it up and make wording easier to read. Good luck!

 

It would make my day if you check out my query here: http://agentquerycon...-urban-fantasy/



#54 secondstar87

secondstar87

    secondstar

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 225 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Won 2nd place in the Reading Rainbow contest (all gotta start somewhere, right?)

Posted 16 July 2017 - 02:00 PM

Until she got sexually assaulted by her uncle, nineteen-year-old Riley had it all figured out: she was lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and was one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device. Nice hook! 

 

After the trauma from her rape causes her to tank her relationship, Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block since his mom’s death.

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two form a romance. But when she discovers Luke’s involvement in a tragedy that inspired her to create the device, Riley feels betrayed again. Now she has to decide whether to use it to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, even though it could erase her entire identity. I really like this query. Only this last paragraph was confusing. I think you have room to expound in your word count, so explain more clearly what you mean by "a tragedy that inspired her to create the device." Otherwise, well done! 

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT. Someone else may know better than I do, but I believe that 64,000 words in short for a YA novel? 


http://agentquerycon...sail-the-stars/

http://agentquerycon...ique-in-return/

 

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." - Mark Twain 

"There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds." - G.K. Chesterton 


#55 ThatDan

ThatDan

    Query coming soon...

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 33 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationCanada
  • Publishing Experience:Purely scientific

Posted 16 July 2017 - 03:33 PM

YA is flexible with word count according to this: http://www.writersdi...definitive-post

64k is within range, and I see no problem with it (but I'm not an agent)

#56 lyncfs

lyncfs

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 53 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS South

Posted 16 July 2017 - 05:34 PM

Until she got sexually assaulted by her uncle, nineteen-year-old Riley had it all figured out: she was lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and was one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device. ​I like the part of the memory erasing device. A bit of a laundry list but it works.

 

After the trauma from her rape causes her to tank her relationship, Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block since his mom’s death.

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two form a romance. But when she discovers Luke’s involvement in a tragedy ​(I agree with other - stating the tragedy would add more to your query) that inspired her to create the device, Riley feels betrayed again. Now she has to decide whether to use it to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, even though it could erase her entire identity. ​(I think the choice would be between confronting Luke and wiping her memories, right? It would be good if you could bring it back to Luke since it seems like he meant something to her.)

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.

 

Interesting premise. The writing is clean and I think you have all the right elements. Just need to polish the last sentence a bit.


THE IMMORTAL GUARD. Link to my query. Please critique, if I have reviewed yours.

#57 eric balson

eric balson

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 65 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 16 July 2017 - 06:17 PM

I want to, but I feel I shouldn't because by revealing the exact nature of the tragedy, I would be spoiling the story, heck even me mentioning what Luke did has already spoiled the story on some level

#58 eric balson

eric balson

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 65 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 16 July 2017 - 06:19 PM

I want to but I feel revealing the tragedy would be spoiling the story for the agent, heck even the mere mention of what Luke did is a spoiler itself

#59 Iconian

Iconian

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 112 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, published, unagented
  • LocationUS Southwest
  • Publishing Experience:In 2006-2007 I had some copywriting published by a financial institution, and only started getting back into writing again in 2016.

Posted 16 July 2017 - 07:54 PM

Until she was sexually assaulted by her uncle, nineteen-year-old Riley had it all figured out: she was lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and was one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device.

 

After the trauma from her rape causes her to tank her relationship, Riley seeks a fresh start, and leaves college to take up a tutoring position for a music class. There she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block since his mom’s death.

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two form a romance. But when she discovers Luke’s involvement in a tragedy that inspired her to create the device, Riley feels betrayed again. Now she has to decide whether to use it to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, even though it could erase her entire identity.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.

 

I mostly just have grammatical improvements to suggest here.  But at the end, it kind of sounds bland:

 

Now she has to decide whether to use it to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, even though it could erase her entire identity.

 

It feels like the story is ready to end on an anti-climax.  Riley is apparently prepared to erase all of her memories over what's happened--but I feel absolutely no emotion weight or tension from this.

 

Is that tone you've intended for the book--melancholy, cyberpunkish, apathetic, existentially pointless?  If that's intentional, then keep it as is.  But for me, the way that ending in particular sounds is just . . . . blah.  I for one certainly wouldn't be interested in reading this book, but I know there are those out there who would . . .


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#60 Candace

Candace

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 16 posts
  • Literary Status:self-published, unagented
  • LocationCanada
  • Publishing Experience:Self-published on Amazon

Posted 17 July 2017 - 12:23 AM

Until she got was sexually assaulted by her uncle, nineteen-year-old Riley had it all figured out: she was lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and was one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device. As you know, I haven't yet developed the 'eyes' of an experienced query critiquer, but for me, I'd like a little more information about the device and what her role was in creating it. It seems to be an important part of the story.

 

After the trauma from her rape causes her to tank her relationship, Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block since his mom’s death.

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two form a romance. But when she discovers Luke’s involvement in a tragedy that inspired her to create the device Does 'the device' not have a name?  , Riley feels betrayed again. Tell me more about her emotions surrounding this betrayal, to make me understand her contemplating the removal of her memories. It must be dire, but I don't see that here.  Now she has to decide whether to use it to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, even though it could erase her entire identity.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.

 

I hope my suggestions can be of some use to you  :smile:







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Young Adult, Science Fiction, Fiction

0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users