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The Sum of Who We Are

Young Adult Science Fiction Fiction

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#61 jaustail

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 01:02 AM

JMO:

 

 

Until she got sexually assaulted by her uncle, nineteen-year-old Riley had it all figured out: she was lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and was one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device. (maybe start in chronological order. First mention what she was and then introduce the rape)(maybe describe the uncle, was he Riley's favorite uncle, was he a wife beater, did he just come out of jail?)

 

After the(The) trauma from her rape causes her to tank her relationship, (and) Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block since his mom’s death.

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two form a romance. But when she discovers Luke’s involvement in a tragedy(this is vague. maybe give a small hint. jmo) that inspired her to create the device, Riley feels betrayed again. Now she has to decide whether to use it to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, even though it could erase her entire identity.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.

 

 

JMO:

 

Why did she not use the memory erasing device right after she was raped? Who stopped her? I guess it was experimental and wasn't ready but still there would be a temptation to make the device ready asap.

Why does she leave college? Are the people judging her? Does she feel suffocated with the sympathy she gets?


Query: WALL OF ICE

(Space Opera)

Revised version: Link


#62 eric balson

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Posted 20 July 2017 - 04:17 PM

Until she got sexually assaulted by her uncle, nineteen-year-old Riley had it all figured out: she was lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and was one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device.

 

After the trauma from her rape causes her relationship to tank, Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block since his mom’s death.

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two form a romance. But when she discovers Luke’s involvement in her brother’s suicide, Riley feels betrayed again. Now she has to decide whether to use it to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, even though it could erase her entire identity.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.



#63 BCVail

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Posted 20 July 2017 - 05:04 PM

Until she got sexually assaulted by her uncle, nineteen-year-old Riley had it all figured out: she was lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and was one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device. (I might find a way to end this with the sexual assault bit so it ends with an unexpected punch)

 

After the trauma from her rape causes her to tank her relationship, Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block since his mom’s death.

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two form a romance. But when she discovers Luke’s involvement in a tragedy that inspired her to create the device (the tragedy is pretty vague, any way to elaborate?), Riley feels betrayed again. Now she has to decide whether to use it to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, even though it could erase her entire identity.

 

If she can wipe her own memory, why wouldn't she wipe her memory clean of her Uncle's assault in the first place? Is the machine to hard to control precisely?

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.

 

​Nice concept. This reminds me of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

 

 

If you have a moment, I'd appreciate another set of eyes on my query. You can find the link here. Thank you.



#64 dizzywriter

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Posted 20 July 2017 - 05:49 PM

Thank you for your input on mine. Yuo posted your crit before I put up the newest revision.\ Take a look if you can.

 

 

Until she got sexually assaulted by her uncle, [Mention Riley first]. nineteen-year-old Riley had it all figured out: she was [make it present tense.] lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and [spearheaded, or some active verb] was one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device [after her brother's suicide] [Obviously it's not all roses with Riley if her brother is dead, even before the rape.]

 

[Then, her uncle rapes her.] After the trauma from her rape causes her relationship to tank [ cliche and vague], Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves [stronger word: abandons, quits, drops out] college and takes up a tutoring position at [to tutor] a music class. There, she is assigned to [too passive] eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block since his mom’s death.

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark [too vague. how does she do this?], the two form [form?] a romance. But when she discovers Luke’s involvement in her brother’s suicide, Riley feels betrayed again. [That seems like an overreaction to me, unless what he did was really nasty. Be more specific]. Now she has to decide whether to use [the experimental memory eraser]to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, even though it could erase [don't use erase twice in the sentence, if you refer to the eraser device earlier in this sentence] here her entire identity. [Good stakes, but too wordy. You can streamline it a lot]

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.

I hope that helps. I think it has good potential. Keep at it.



#65 dogsbody

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Posted 20 July 2017 - 05:53 PM

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.

 

This isn't comparable to More Happy Than Not -- this sounds almost exactly like More Happy Than Not. At least in the particulars: romantic turmoil leads to A Big Decision involving a memory-altering device.

 

You mention more individual ideas like Riley's abuse and her brother's suicide, but only in how they bring about the romantic turmoil, not how they otherwise affect the plot and make it your own. In fact I'd go as far as to say your book suffers in comparison since More Happy Than Not takes the chance of depicting a main homosexual relationship, while yours appears (of course I don't know for sure, but looking at this version of your query, it's possible) to uphold a really wince-worthy trope where female characters are bisexual, and it's cool and "daring," but they ultimately end up with men. (Note: which is not about the valid identity of bisexual women who date or marry men. But when it's almost exclusively how bisexual women are depicted, it's a problem. Especially if the relationship with the girl is used to showcase how much "better" the relationship with the guy is.)

 

Do I have it all wrong? Great! But then I'd really recommend a version of your query which shows how unique and not-tropeworthy your book is, or you might run the risk of a lot of agents going "this book is basically on the market already, only the published version is a lot more innovative." 



#66 Erevos

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Posted 21 July 2017 - 01:57 PM

Hello eric and thank you for taking a look at my query!

I'm a bit late to the party, so I'll only look at this draft! If need be, I can check some of the previous as well.

 

 

Until she got sexually assaulted by her uncle, nineteen-year-old Riley had it all figured out: she was lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and was one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device.

 

My quick review: Nineteen-year-old Riley had it all figured out: she was lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and was one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device - until she was raped by her uncle.

 

I believe it gives more punch to your hook. You start with who she is and end with the tragic event.

 

After the trauma from her rape causes her relationship to tank, Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block since his mom’s death. Great!

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two form a romance. But when she discovers Luke’s involvement in her brother’s suicide, Riley feels betrayed again. Now she has to decide whether to use it to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, even though it could erase her entire identity. 2. things: 1 Luke's involvement is definitely strong, but in the query this doesn't really sounds as such. Is it possible to mention more? If you don't want to, then keep it as it. I think with a bit of rewording it can work. A question. Does the device have any impact on her life after tha rape or it is mentioned only when Luke's involvement comes to light? 2. The stakes....ahhhh the stakes. Do the stakes you have work? Yes. Either live with all the painful memories, or wipe them out and erase her identity. But if you can offer something stronger than that, why not do so. I know, you may not want to delve deeper into the story or perhaps you don't want to spoil stuff, but something with a bit more passion could definitely do wonders here. Perhaps a bit of rewording? You know it can do wonders. It is a really short query, so you have space to expand more!

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.


My Query http://agentquerycon...a-high-fantasy/ Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#67 Iconian

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Posted 21 July 2017 - 10:42 PM

Until she got [was] sexually assaulted by her uncle, nineteen-year-old Riley had it all figured out: she was lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and was one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device.

 

But after the trauma from her rape causes her relationship to tank, Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block since his mom’s death.

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two form a romance. But when she discovers Luke’s involvement in her brother’s suicide, Riley feels betrayed again. Now she has to decide whether to use it to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, even though it could erase her entire identity.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.

 

 

I don't know.  I think the query is pretty bare bones.  If I was an agent, I think I might just pass due to there not being enough of the story.  And like I said in my previous critique, the final sentence about Riley erasing her memory still doesn't carry all that much weight.  I mean, I don't feel like I know nearly enough about Riley to care about whether she wants to erase her memory.  Not from this query.

 

But on the other hand, 64,000 words might just be low enough that those issues won't matter much.  If there's not really a whole lot to the book itself, and your query reflects that . . . who knows?  But my own feeling is that there's just not enough of a query here.


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#68 dizzywriter

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Posted 22 July 2017 - 10:46 AM

Geez. I wrote an entire critique, complete with line editing, and AQ ate it. Overall, I liked it but agree with the other comments. I think Riley is the most compelling story line for the query. I thought mention of the suicide should be included with introduction of the memory eraser. Also, the back story on how cool and collected Riley is doesn't make sense since she's got this suicide story in the background. Maybe "seemingly" self-assured? Covering insecurity with bravado?



#69 eric balson

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Posted 27 July 2017 - 04:51 PM

After years spent trying to get over her brother's suicide, nineteen-year-old Riley finally has it all figured out: she is lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and is one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device. That’s until she’s sexually assaulted by her uncle. 
 
When the trauma from her rape causes her relationship to tank, Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block since his mom’s death. 
 
As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two start a romance. But when she discovers Luke’s involvement in her brother’s death, Riley feels betrayed again. Now she has to decide whether to use the device to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, even though it could erase her entire identity.
 
THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives.


#70 dogsbody

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Posted 27 July 2017 - 06:06 PM

She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block since his mom’s death. 

 
As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two start a romance. 

 

Despite focusing on Riley, this version of your query makes it feel like she's more or less there to facilitate Luke's journey. Because Riley only reacts to everything: the assault, Luke, Luke's involvement in her brother's death. There's no sense of what Riley concretely wants; "a fresh start" is again, in reaction to the trauma she experienced. What does she want for herself in a way which tells us who she is, not how she reacts? Who was she before the trauma, and how she changed but still retained her core identity in the aftermath? Why is she willing to risk erasing her entire identity because this one relationship with this one boy didn't work out? (I'm happy to hear if I misunderstand what's actually happening, but that's how it seems phrased from this query.) 

 

Contrast that to Luke, who I can see much more clearly. What does Luke want? To get over his writer's block, re-claiming his previous identity (musical savant) and signalling he's processed his mother's death and can get on with the rest of his life. It's bare bones, but I get a sense of his character, conflict, and stakes in one go.

 

If you continue to use Riley as the framing device for this query, I would really encourage you to establish the stake she's working with: what would count as her "win," aka what she wants for herself which isn't a reaction to what the other characters do or feel, and why the risks or possible "loss" for her is worth chancing in order to bring that win about. 



#71 galaxyspinner

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Posted 27 July 2017 - 06:27 PM

 

After years spent trying to get over her brother's suicide, nineteen-year-old Riley finally has it all figured out: she is lead singer of her band, (for the sake of agreement, you should say "is dating the perfect girl") dating the perfect girl, and is one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device. That’s until she’s sexually assaulted by her uncle. 
 
When the trauma from her rape causes her relationship to tank, Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block since his mom’s death. 
 
As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two start a romance. But when she discovers Luke’s involvement in her brother’s death, (there's a torrent of factoids being thrown at us here, and very little sense of where they come from, why they happen, and how they fit together) Riley feels betrayed again. Now she has to decide whether to use the device (you only mentioned the device two paragraphs ago; it's jarring to bring it back so suddenly and vaguely)  to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, even though it could erase her entire identity.
 
THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE (This title is not doing you any favors; it's a vague theme, and one that has been used time and time again) is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives.

 


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#72 epercak

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Posted 28 July 2017 - 12:18 PM

 

After years spent trying to get over her brother's suicide, nineteen-year-old Riley finally has it all figured out: she is lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and is one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device. That’s until she’s sexually assaulted by her uncle. 
 
When the trauma from her rape causes her relationship to tank, Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. It feels like this is where the story really begins. Everything previous feels like background and setup. You'll need some context, but there's just too much before it gets going.  There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block since his mom’s death. 
 
As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two start a romance. But when she discovers Luke’s involvement in her brother’s death, Riley feels betrayed again. Now she has to decide whether to use the device to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, even though it could erase her entire identity. ​Because there is so much setup, the stakes now feel rushed. The mind eraser comes back here awkwardly. It also raises too many questions. Why is using the device such an impossible choice? It feels like the option of NOT using it at all and coping with her emotions is the best solution anyhow. 
 
THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives.

 

 

 

As mentioned above, I think you need to trim much of the background and really build the central conflict. If the story is primarily about Riley and Luke we need to know more about their relationship. 



#73 Preston Copeland.Biz

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Posted 07 August 2017 - 07:54 PM

​Hello Eric,

 

​I really appreciate your feedback on my query - returning the favor. 

Until she got sexually assaulted by her uncle, ​(almost positive this should be (19-year-old)nineteen-year-old Riley had it all figured out: she was lead singer of her band, dating the perfect ​(so she's a lesbian? Just making sure you got that right) girl , and was one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device. ​(cool, so she's a smart cookie) 

 

​Just a heads up, almost positive young adult protagonists are between 14-17 years old. This is an adult book, unless you switch her age to 17. They used to have new-adult, but I think that genre is fading fast, but it's an option.

 

After the trauma from her rape causes her relationship to tank, Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block since his mom’s death. ​(Nice clear paragraph)

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two form a romance. But when she discovers ​(ooh, that's a good twist) Luke’s involvement in her brother’s suicide, Riley feels betrayed again. Now she has to ​must decide whether to use it  ​(tell us what (it) is?) to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, even though it could erase her entire identity. 

 

​I think your query's in pretty good shape. I'd just clarify a few details. And maybe rethink shortening the hook, if you can come up with something better. Right now, it's about a 7 out 10, in my opinion.

 

​Good job, and good luck.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s MORE HAPPY THAN NOT.


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#74 Theo A. Gerken

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Posted 08 August 2017 - 08:11 AM

 

After years spent trying to get over her brother's suicide, nineteen-year-old Riley finally has it all figured out: she is lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and is one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device. That’s until she’s sexually assaulted by her uncle. 
 
When the trauma from her rape causes her relationship to tank, Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block since his mom’s death. 
 
As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two start a romance. But when she discovers Luke’s involvement in her brother’s death, Riley feels betrayed again. Now she has to decide whether to use the device to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, even though it could erase her entire identity.
 
THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives.

 

 

You got a good story. The query needs some rephrasing here and there.

 

"After years of processing her brothers..." -- better phrased. Consider dropping that, and going straight to the: xx has it all figured out.." That's a faster opening with more movement. 

 

Last sentence first paragraph: "Then... her uncle rapes her." -- I think that's better.

 

"Now she has to decide whether to use the device to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories... or live with the pain of the past" -- better phrased. It needs to be phrased as dilemma.

 

It's a little weird to tell it from Luke perspective, because Riley is so much the main character. That's usually done when you have several big characters, no? It's also weird to tell it from his perspective, then reveal a secret he has. That's dishonest in a way, because he always had that information. But that's a structural thing in the story.

 

It could be done if he didn't know about that part of her past, and I'm sure it is done that way. Still might be an issue though. You got an interesting story here. I like the science fiction light thing, appealing to all readers. Enough to bring some cool stuff into the story, but not enough to weigh it down.

 

Oh, I also don't like the title. Are you trying to write a literaly masterpiece? It doesn't feel YA or science fiction rly. Sounds like Greek philosophy, you know? I would vouch for something more PRIMAL and IMMEDIATE and COOL.


Return the favour?? Link my query here.


#75 Hollyhawk

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Posted 09 August 2017 - 10:14 AM

 

First of all, love the premise!
 
After years spent trying to get over her brother's suicide, nineteen-year-old Riley finally has the perfect life, including being has it all figured out: she is lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and is one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device. That’s until she’s sexually assaulted by her uncle. The device and the rape are the hook for me. Everything else distracts from that. I kind of hate cutting out the girlfriend, though, because her being a lesbian makes her stand out as a protagonist. *conflicted*
 
When the trauma from her rape causes her life relationship to tank yet again, Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block since his mom’s death. 
 
As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two start a romance. But when she discovers Luke’s involvement in her brother’s death, Riley feels betrayed again. Now she has to must decide whether to use the device to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, even though it could erase if it means erasing her entire identity.
 
THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 64,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives.

 

 

I love the premise of your story! The problem is mainly too much information, which I also struggle with A LOT. The rest of my edits are just for fluidity, feel free to disregard it if it's not working for you.


I love reading! Scratch my query and I'll scratch yours?

http://agentquerycon...to-reciprocate/


#76 eric balson

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Posted 15 August 2017 - 12:33 PM

After years processing her brother's suicide, nineteen-year-old Riley finally has it all figured out: she is lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and is one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device. Then she’s sexually assaulted by her uncle.

 

When the trauma from her rape tanks her relationship, Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block since his mom’s death.

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two start a romance. But when she discovers Luke’s involvement in her brother’s death, Riley feels betrayed again. Now she must decide whether to use the device to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, even though it could erase her entire identity.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 65,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. The completed manuscript is available upon request.



#77 roxannepark

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 01:30 AM

After years spent processing her brother's suicide, nineteen-year-old Riley finally has it all figured out: she is lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and is one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device. Then she’s sexually assaulted by her uncle sexually assaults her. Might be a bit stronger in active vs passive tense?

When the trauma from her rape tanks her relationship, Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block since his mom’s death.

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two start a romance. But when she discovers Luke’s involvement in her brother’s death, Riley feels betrayed again. Now she must decide whether to use the device to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, even though it could erase her entire identity. "Feels betrayed again" lacks the punch it needs. I'd try rewording it, focusing on the emotional healing Riley has done so far and how the betrayal sets her back to ground zero, makes her lose grip on reality, etc. I'd also maybe put a bridge sentence between the betrayal and Riley's conundrum. Something like "She turns to her university's memory-erasing device as a way out."

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 65,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. The completed manuscript is available upon request.

 

 

Overall, great job.

 

If you could possibly take a look at my query and return the favor, that'd be awesome: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=345163



#78 kene

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 03:29 PM

Hi Eric!

After years processing her brother's suicide, nineteen-year-old Riley finally has it all figured out: she is lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and is one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing deviceThis sentence sounds a bit cumbersome. Is there anyway you can remove "is one of the brains"? Or trim it down? Would it be too dishonest to your story to omit the fact of other builders? How about "...the perfect girl, and leads the team behind her university's..." It adds a bit more weight to her.. Then she’s sexually assaulted by her uncle.

 

When the trauma from her rape of being raped tanks her relationship, Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block since his mom’s death. Love your wording here. 

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two start a romanceThis may be a bit on the nose. What do you think of "a romance blossoms"? Only if the word blossoms fits your novels voice. If not, ignore me.. But when she discovers Luke’s involvement in her brother’s death, Riley feels betrayed again. Now she must decide whether to use the device to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, even though it could erase her entire identity.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 65,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. The completed manuscript is available upon request.

I -like others- like the story. I -also like others- am not sure about the name. I'm sure its stuck with you through your writing, but maybe brainstorm a couple alternatives. You'll be shocked with what you can come up with. 

 

Good Luck, Eric 



#79 JuliAberg

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Posted 20 August 2017 - 03:22 AM

Hi, returning your crit:)

After years processing her brother's suicide, nineteen-year-old Riley finally has it all figured out: she is lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and is one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device. Then she’s sexually assaulted by her uncle. ​Hm, not sure about this hook. For me it's a little long.

 

When the trauma from her rape tanks her relationship, Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block since his mom’s death.

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two start a romance. But when she discovers Luke’s involvement in her brother’s death, Riley feels betrayed again. Now she must decide whether to use the device to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, even though it could erase her entire identity. ​This memory thing seems like a big part of your story but the way it is now it kinda comes out of the blue. I know it is in your hook but for me it got lost when you listed her traits. I would focus more of your query on this device.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 65,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. The completed manuscript is available upon request.

 

Good luck



#80 eric balson

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Posted 20 August 2017 - 02:18 PM

After years processing her brother's suicide, nineteen-year-old Riley finally has it all figured out: she is lead singer of her band, dating the perfect girl, and is one of the brains behind her university’s experimental memory-erasing device. Then her uncle sexually assaults her.

 

When the trauma from her rape tanks her relationship, Riley seeks a fresh start. She leaves college and takes up a tutoring position at a music class. There, she is assigned to eighteen-year-old Luke, a music savant plagued with composer’s block since his mom’s death.

 

As Riley aids Luke in reigniting his creative spark, the two start a romance. But when she discovers Luke’s involvement in her brother’s death, Riley feels betrayed again. Now she must decide whether to use the device to wipe her mind clean of all painful memories, even though it could erase her entire identity.

 

THE SUM OF WHO WE ARE is a 65,000-word young adult novel, with light science fiction elements, told in Riley and Luke’s alternating perspectives. The completed manuscript is available upon request.

 

(Okay, so I've been getting a lot of comments about my hook being too long. It's just that all the pieces of info that constitute are relevant. The piece on her being lead singer of her band explains why she's qualified to guide Luke, the part about her dating the perfect girl reveals her sexuality, and the part about her "being one of the brains.." introduces the concept of the memory-erasing device. Let me know if you have any suggestions on how to make it succinct.)







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Young Adult, Science Fiction, Fiction

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