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Hook for Untitled WIP

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#1 Niambi

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Posted 23 September 2016 - 04:36 PM

Have a look at this hook and tell me what you think:

 

"Racism, famine, and war, describe life on the distant world of Mkono Mungu.  Nineteen-year-old Chence survived it all, but an enemy soldier who can jump into his mind will be his biggest challenge."

 

And as always thanks for the time.



#2 daniL

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Posted 28 September 2016 - 11:38 AM

I wonder about the focus of the hook, keeping chence and the soldier both at the end of the hook. so this isn't the BEST reconstruction, but this might help:

 

"19 year old Chence has survived all the racism, starvation, and war that the planet Mkono Mungu has to offer, but now must survive an enemy soldier with the ability to get inside his head- literally."



#3 Niambi

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Posted 28 September 2016 - 06:47 PM

No that's great and I see your point.



#4 Sreid

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Posted 02 July 2017 - 02:24 PM

I agree with daniL. Perhaps it could be tightened and written in the present tense to make it even sharper?

 

Nineteen-year-old Chence endures racism, survives war, and outlives famine on the planet Mkono Mungu, but nothing prepares him for the enemy soldier who jumps into his mind.



#5 Niambi

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Posted 03 July 2017 - 11:03 PM

Thanks, and i agree.  I haven't seen this hook in AGES.  It makes me want to go dig up the project and continue working on it.







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