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Secrets of Ashes and Glass (YA Inspirational Fiction) - First 250

young-adult inspirational fiction cinderella retelling

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#1 EmmaLucy

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Posted 27 September 2016 - 06:09 AM

The first 250 words of the prologue. 

I hope you all like it!      

 

 

        I remember the day my mother died like a distant painting. The outlines, the colors, the solid facts are visible, but the details are obscured by the smoky haze of grief.

     I remember her pale cheeks and the way her blue eyes appeared to have clouds covering their crystal skies. Occasionally they would suddenly fix themselves upon me and her parched lips would form my name, “Arella.”

     Then just as swiftly, her mind seemed to travel to a different place, tearing her gaze away from my face. It was during these episodes that she would begin to mumble about the little fairies from the stories she used to tell me. I heard the maids whisper together about their mistress’s madness, but my Father and I just held her hands, nodded our heads, and hung onto every word, knowing that they would most likely be her last.

     The rest is a blur. I think at some point in that long, cold night I fell asleep because I remember the warmth of my father’s arms around me and his gentle voice whispering words of comfort. But after that, I lived in a bubble with only my father as an occasional companion. People came and went, but their words fell on deaf ears. I knew they meant well, so I managed small smiles and warm thank yous. Eventually, the steady flow of sympathizers ceased and daily life began a new normal for my merchant father and I.


I am in some desperate need of synopsis help and am willing to return the favor.

 

My Query: http://agentquerycon...tional-fiction/  

My Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...tion-synposis/ 

First 250 words: http://agentquerycon...ion-first-250/ 


#2 joeday

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Posted 28 September 2016 - 11:18 AM

Waking up at the beginning of a novel worked for Suzanne Collins in the Hunger Games, but that wasn't her first novel. It doesn't work if you don't have a track record. Your first sentence is beautiful, sadly the reading ends there. You seem to be a pretty good writer. Start again with an active scene.



#3 CFrances

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Posted 15 October 2016 - 11:35 AM

The first 250 words of the prologue. 

I hope you all like it!      

 

 

     I remember the day my mother died like a distant painting. I like this sentence, but it sort of sounds like she died like a painting The outlines, the colors, the solid facts are visible, but the details are obscured by the smoky haze of grief.

     I remember her pale cheeks and the way her blue eyes appeared to have clouds covering their crystal skies. Occasionally, they would suddenly fix themselves upon me and her parched lips would form my name, “Arella.”

     Then, just as swiftly, her mind seemed to travel to a different place, tearing her gaze away from my face. It was during these episodes that she would begin to mumble about the little fairies from the stories she used to tell me. I heard the maids whisper together about their mistress’s madness, but my father and I just held her hands, nodded our heads, and hung onto every word, knowing that they would most likely be her last.

     The rest is a blur. I think at some point in that long, cold night, I fell asleep, because I remember the warmth of my father’s arms around me and his gentle voice whispering words of comfort. But after that, I lived in a bubble with only my father as an occasional companion. People came and went, but their words fell on deaf ears. I knew they meant well, so I managed small smiles and warm thank yous.(I think the apostrophe makes it possessive, but it's not possessive; it's a plural) Eventually, the steady flow of sympathizers same here ceased and daily life began a new normal for me and my merchant father.

This is lovely. I like your prose; I want to read more. It's hard to get the main conflict in in 250 words, but I think Arella's life without her mother is going to take unexpected turns. I'll follow this. Please look at mine if you have time. Thanks.







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