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Secrets of Ashes and Glass (YA Inspirational Fiction)-Synposis

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#1 EmmaLucy

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Posted 27 September 2016 - 08:46 PM

I've heard that I shouldn't stress too much about the synopsis, but I am a little bit...

So I'm looking forward to any helpful comments anyone might have to offer.

Thank you in advance.      

 

     After the deaths of her parents, ARELLA MARCEAU finds herself struggling with the worries of caring for her childhood home and avoiding her stepmother’s wrath. One day in the market, she collides with a handsome, and equally charming, stranger. He introduces himself as FREDDIE and as they speak, sparks begin to fly between them. On impulse, Freddie invites Arella to ride with him on the following day. She agrees and even though a wrong turn causes the outing to go differently than planned, they both find themselves falling helplessly for each other. Upon returning home, Arella is intercepted by her stepmother, LADY DURANTE, who announces that she has sold Arella’s home and that Arella must settle the debt which her deceased father left unpaid. With some difficulty, Arella finds work at the palace and gives up all hope of seeing Freddie again.

     Arella soon settles into her new routine, but one afternoon, she sees a familiar face in the palace hall. She attempts to convince herself that Freddie and Prince Friederic are not the same person, but when Freddie searches her out and confronts her, she reluctantly accepts the truth. With nothing to lose, Arella agrees to continue meeting with Freddie; however, for fear of rumors that they are sure the shallow nobles will spread, they tell no one of their relationship and meet in the privacy of a secret garden.

     Before long, Arella meets her father’s intimidating creditor, LORD DIFORTUNATO and quickly learns to keep her distance from the unsettling man with the black eyes and papery white skin.

     Freddie is also facing challenging trials. His father becomes very sick and suddenly dies, but what they thought was natural heart failure, was actually murder. Evidence points to the ROYAL PHYSICIAN as the murderer; yet, no one can discover his motive.  

     Between the funeral and the coronation, a beautiful love blossoms between Freddie and Arella; even though at times, they find themselves questioning God’s plan for their lives.

     Presently, Freddie begins to suspect someone of having discovered his connection with Arella; nevertheless, he proposes to Arella with his mother’s signet ring. On the same day, Lord DiFortunato essentially asks Arella to be his mistress. At first, Arella keeps it from Freddie, knowing it will only add to his worries, but soon she confesses and Freddie uses his position as king to covertly protect her from Lord DiFortunato.

     Between the turmoil, the day of the Midsummer’s Eve Ball arrives. Freddie is supposed to publicly announce his engagement to Arella, but Lord DiFortunato intervenes. He reveals to Freddie that he knows about Freddie and Arella’s relationship and threatens to use Arella’s debt to harm her if Freddie does not grant him the position of Grand Duke. Without a choice, Freddie sends Arella to the safety of the gypsy camp with enough money to pay her debts.

     Arella goes first to Lord DiFortunato’s home, wanting to quietly deliver her final payment. Strangely, though, Lord DiFortunato’s home is silent, there is not a soul to be seen. Desperate to dispense her payment and go, Arella enters through the kitchen door, but what she finds there, changes everything. In the pantry, there are shelves of potions in neatly labeled vials and one of these vials contains the poison that killed the king. With her curiosity spiked, Arella begins investigating other parts of the house and in DiFortunato’s study, finds letters and signatures that condemn DiFortunato of flawless forgery. Finally possessing an answer to her father’s false debt and the king’s death, Arella hurries home to prepare for the ball so that she might discretely tell Freddie of her discovery. To her dismay, Lady Durante intervenes and leaves Arella with a dismissal and the rags of a ball gown. Unsure of what else to do, Arella retreats to the safety of the secret garden. Yet, when she arrives she is at loss of what to do next. At the moment of feeling defeated, Arella meets the deceased queen’s friend, LADY IZABELLA. Arella tells Lady Izabella of her relationship with Freddie and to her surprise, Lady Izabella offers her help along with a stunning ball gown.

     It would seem that everything will end happily now, Arella attends the ball, soldiers are sent to DiFortunato’s home to arrest him, and Freddie prepares to publicly announce his fiancé. But in a few moments of separation from Freddie, a dagger is pressed against Arella’s back and she is dragged away to DiFortunato’s awaiting carriage.

     With Arella as his hostage, DiFortunato escapes into the Great Forest, quite convinced of his victory; however, an overturned carriage and a company of soldiers with Freddie at their head, puts an end to DiFortunato’s flight. The moment he knows he has been defeated, DiFortunato slips the contents of a vial between his lips and dies a swift, yet terrible death.

      Relieved but also shocked, Freddie and Arella return to the palace. Over breakfast on the following day, Freddie explains that through insurmountable debts instigated through forgery, DiFortunato threatened the royal physician into murdering the king. Ensuing this, Arella’s debts are also declared void and she officially begins to prepare for the life of a queen.

     Three months later, as Freddie and Arella stand at the altar to say their vows, they look back and see God’s hand throughout their trials and vow to trust in Him to guide them through the remainder of their lives.  


I am in some desperate need of synopsis help and am willing to return the favor.

 

My Query: http://agentquerycon...tional-fiction/  

My Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...tion-synposis/ 

First 250 words: http://agentquerycon...ion-first-250/ 


#2 ViviMont

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Posted 29 September 2016 - 04:05 PM

After the deaths of her parents, (Age?) ARELLA MARCEAU finds herself struggling with the worries of caring for her childhood home and avoiding LADY DURANTE’S wrath. (You should explain who Lady Durante is before continuing.) At least until she collides with a handsome, and equally charming, stranger in the market. He introduces himself as FREDDIE and swiftly they find themselves speaking together as if they have known each other far longer than they actually have( where an attraction sparks<--- or something more direct) . On impulse, Freddie invites Arella to ride with him in the Great Forest the following day. (The Great Forest should also be explained before continuing. If not it leaves us confused)  She agrees and even though a wrong turn causes the outing to go differently than planned, they both find themselves falling helplessly for each other. All too soon their relationship is concluded when Arella’s stepmother, Lady Durante, announces that not only has she sold Arella’s home (Sentence doesn't make sense), but Arella must settle the mysterious debt which her deceased father left unpaid. With some difficulty, Arella finds work at the palace and soon gives up all hope of seeing Prince Charming again (He was a prince? Or is this just metaphorical? It's hard to tell).

     Time goes by and Arella settles into her new routine. But one day, she sees a familiar face in the palace hall. She attempts to convince herself that Freddie and Prince Friederic are not the same person, but when Freddie searches her out (searches for her? *Searches her out* doesn't make sense.)  and confronts her, she realizes that Prince Charming really is a prince. With nothing to lose, Arella agrees to continue seeing Freddie; however, for fear of rumors that they are sure the shallow nobles will spread, they tell no one of their relationship and meet in the privacy of a secret garden.

     Soon after beginning her work at the palace, Arella meets her father’s creditor, Lord DiFortunato and with his bottomless black eyes, papery white skin, and unsettling demeanor, he causes fear to turn circles within Arella. (For the sake of brevity in a synopsis, I would just say her father's fearsome creditor, Lord...)

     At this time, Freddie is also facing challenging trials. His father becomes very sick and suddenly dies. But what they thought was natural heart failure, was actually murder. Evidence points to the Royal Physician as the murderer, yet no one can discover his motive.   

     Between the funeral and the coronation, a beautiful love blossoms between Freddie and Arella; even though at times, they find themselves questioning God’s plan for their lives.

     Presently, Freddie begins to suspect someone of having discovered his connection with Arella; yet nevertheless, he proposes to Arella with his mother’s signet ring. And for a short while, Arella couldn’t be happier, it’s like her world is finally beginning to fall back together. Then on the same day, Lord DiFortunato essentially asks Arella to be his mistress and once again everything shatters. At first, Arella keeps it from Freddie, knowing it will only add to his worries, but soon she confesses and Freddie uses his position as king to covertly protect her from Lord DiFortunato. 

     Between the turmoil, the day of the Midsummer’s Eve Ball arrives. It is supposed to be a perfect day. Freddie is supposed to publically announce his engagement to Arella. But then Lord DiFortunato happens. He reveals to Freddie that he knows about Freddie and Arella’s relationship and threatens to harm Arella if Freddie does not grant him the position of Grand Duke. (How could he use their relationship as blackmail if the prince was about to make it public himself?) Without a choice, Freddie sends Arella to the safety of the gypsy (Some agents could find this offensive since "gypsy" is a derogatory word toward Romany individuals. It's something I learned recently.)  camp with enough money to pay her debts.

     Feeling like her world is crumbling farther and farther into ruin, Arella goes first to Lord DiFortunato’s home, wanting to quietly deliver her final payment. Strangely, though, Lord DiFortunato’s home is silent, there is not a soul to be seen. Desperate to dispense her payment and go, Arella enters through the kitchen door, hoping she will find DiFortunato’s butler. But what she finds instead, changes everything. In the pantry, there are shelves and shelves of potions in neatly labeled vials and one of these vials contains the poison that killed the king. With her curiosity spiked, Arella begins investigating other parts of the house and in DiFortunato’s study, finds letters and signatures which condemn DiFortunato of flawless forgery. Finally possessing an answer to her father’s false debt and the king’s death, Arella hurries home to prepare for the ball (Since you haven't mentioned a ball yet, and she did just discover all this incriminating evidence, maybe she's eager to turn the evidence over to the right hands? The prince?) . But to her dismay, Lady Durante intervenes and leaves Arella with a dismissal and the rags of a ball gown. Unsure of what else to do, Arella retreats to the safety of the secret garden. Yet, when she arrives she is at loss of what to do next. At the moment of feeling completely abandoned, Arella meets Lady Izabella. Taking a leap of faith, Arella tells Lady Izabella of her relationship with Freddie and to her surprise, Lady Izabella offers her help along with a stunning ball gown.

     It would seem that everything will end happily now, Arella attends the ball, soldiers are sent to DiFortunato’s home to arrest him, and Freddie prepares to publically announce his fiancé. But in a few moments of separation from Freddie, a dagger is pressed against Arella’s back and despite her struggles, she is dragged away to DiFortunato’s awaiting carriage.

     With Arella as his hostage, DiFortunato escapes into the Great Forest, quite convinced of his victory; however, an overturned carriage and a company of soldiers with Freddie at their head puts an end to DiFortunato’s flight. The moment he knows he has been defeated, DiFortunato slips the contents of a vial between his lips and dies a swift, yet terrible death.

      Relieved but also shocked, Freddie and Arella return to the palace. Over breakfast on the following day, Freddie explains that as through insurmountable debts instigated through forgery, DiFortunato threatened the royal physician into murdering the king. Ensuing this, Arella’s debts are also declared void and she officially begins to prepare for the life of a queen.

     Three months later, as Freddie and Arella stand at the altar to say their vows, they look back and see God’s hand throughout their trials and vow to trust in Him to guide them through the remainder of their lives.   ((I think a lot of it can be trimmed down by removing unnecessary details and cutting to the point. I hope my suggestions prove helpful!! Best of luck! If you could please take a look at the synopsis labeled: Beyond the North Star. Thank you!)


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#3 CarrollBooks

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Posted 11 October 2016 - 11:54 AM

Below I included a few line edits but I couldn't do much yet because this needs to be cut down. I copied and pasted it into a word doc and it's longer than 2 pages. It's about four pages once you account for your header which requires you to start about 1/3 of the page down. As you cut, just remember to keep the major points of the plot structure: intro, inciting incident, rising action, crisis, climax, and denouement. You clearly have all of these plot points in there so that's good, it's already strong, you just need to cut the fluff around them a little. 

 

Also I want to point out that this is a really great retelling of Cinderella. I really like the extra tension and stakes that are introduced by the debtor who wants to marry her, etc. It's very reminiscent of Ever After especially because of the addition of the debtor and gypsies and I imagine that's what you were going for so you have a great comp there.

 

Well I hope this helps. If you cut it down, I'll come back and provide feedback again. Feel free to check out my synopsis. I too am in need of some feedback. These things are so hard to write!

 

Line edits below!

 

 

 


 

     After the deaths of her parents, ARELLA MARCEAU finds herself struggling with the worries of caring for her childhood home and avoiding her stepmother’s wrath. At least until she collides with a handsome, and equally charming, stranger in the market. He introduces himself as FREDDIE and as they speak, sparks begin to fly between them. On impulse, Freddie invites Arella to ride with him through a following day. She agrees and even though a wrong turn causes the outing to go differently than planned, they both find themselves falling helplessly for each other. All too soon their relationship is concluded (their relationship or their outing? Relationship suggests time having passed) when Arella’s stepmother, LADY DURANTE, announces that she has sold Arella’s home and that Arella must settle the debt which her deceased father left unpaid. With some difficulty, Arella finds work at the palace and soon gives up all hope of seeing Prince Charming again (this is a risk. It through me for a minute and then I made the connection. Some people might like that but others might be annoyed that it wasn't stated clearly from the beginning. It does leave me a little confused: Does she know it was the prince? Or do the readers or just those reading the synopsis?).

     Time goes by and Arella settles into her new routine. But one day, she sees a familiar face in the palace hall. She attempts to convince herself that Freddie and Prince Friederic are not the same person, but when Freddie searches her out and confronts her, she realizes that Prince Charming really is a prince. With nothing to lose, Arella agrees to continue seeing  (historically accurate word-choice?)Freddie; however, for fear of rumors that they are sure the shallow nobles will spread, they tell no one of their relationship and meet in the privacy of a secret garden.

     Soon after beginning her work at the palace, Arella meets her father’s fearsome creditor, Lord DiFortunato (name in caps) and very quickly, she learns to keep her distance from the unsettling man with the black eyes and papery white skin.

     At this time, Freddie is also facing challenging trials. His father becomes very sick and suddenly dies. But , but what they thought was natural heart failure, was actually murder. Evidence points to the Royal Physician (CMS says no caps for position titles unless it is before an actual name) as the murderer, yet no one can discover his motive.   

     Between the funeral and the coronation, a beautiful love blossoms between Freddie and Arella; even though at times, they find themselves questioning God’s plan for their lives.

     Presently, Freddie begins to suspect someone of having discovered his connection with Arella; yet nevertheless, he proposes to Arella with his mother’s signet ring. And for a short while, Arella couldn’t be happier, it’s like her world is finally beginning to fall back together. Then on the same day, Lord DiFortunato essentially asks Arella to be his mistress and once again everything shatters. At first, Arella keeps it from Freddie, knowing it will only add to his worries, but soon she confesses and Freddie uses his position as king to covertly protect her from Lord DiFortunato.

     Between the turmoil, the day of the Midsummer’s Eve Ball arrives. It is supposed to be a perfect day. Freddie is supposed to publically (spelling) announce his engagement to Arella. B,but then Lord DiFortunato happens (what happens? To say someone happens is not historically correct usage). He reveals to Freddie that he knows about Freddie and Arella’s relationship and threatens to use Arella’s debt to harm her if Freddie does not grant him the position of Grand Duke (caps? Check for historical accuracy vs. CMS). Without a choice, Freddie sends Arella to the safety of the gypsy camp with enough money to pay her debts.

     Feeling like her world is crumbling farther and farther into ruin, Arella goes first to Lord DiFortunato’s home, wanting to quietly deliver her final payment. Strangely, though, Lord DiFortunato’s home is silent, there is not a soul to be seen. Desperate to dispense her payment and go, Arella enters through the kitchen door, hoping she will find DiFortunato’s butler. B,but what she finds instead, changes everything. In the pantry, there are shelves and shelves of potions in neatly labeled vials and one of these vials contains the poison that killed the king. With her curiosity spiked, Arella begins investigating other parts of the house and in DiFortunato’s study, finds letters and signatures which that condemn DiFortunato of flawless forgery. Finally possessing an answer to her father’s false debt and the king’s death, Arella hurries home to prepare for the ball (this seems off. Wouldn't she be rushing to tell someone what she discovered, maybe at the ball?). But to her dismay, Lady Durante intervenes and leaves Arella with a dismissal and the rags of a ball gown. Unsure of what else to do, Arella retreats to the safety of the secret garden. Yet, when she arrives she is at loss of what to do next. At the moment of feeling completely abandoned, Arella meets Lady Izabella (is this the first mention of this person? If so caps and also who is she?). Taking a leap of faith, Arella tells Lady Izabella of her relationship with Freddie and to her surprise, Lady Izabella offers her help along with a stunning ball gown.

     It would seem that everything will end happily now, Arella attends the ball, soldiers are sent to DiFortunato’s home to arrest him, and Freddie prepares to publically (sp) announce his fiancé. But in a few moments of separation from Freddie, a dagger is pressed against Arella’s back and despite her struggles, she is dragged away to DiFortunato’s awaiting carriage.

     With Arella as his hostage, DiFortunato escapes into the Great Forest, quite convinced of his victory; however, an overturned carriage and a company of soldiers with Freddie at their head puts an end to DiFortunato’s flight. The moment he knows he has been defeated, DiFortunato slips the contents of a vial between his lips and dies a swift, yet terrible death.

      Relieved but also shocked, Freddie and Arella return to the palace. Over breakfast on the following day, Freddie explains that as through insurmountable debts instigated through forgery, DiFortunato threatened the royal physician into murdering the king. Ensuing this, Arella’s debts are also declared void and she officially begins to prepare for the life of a queen.

     Three months later, as Freddie and Arella stand at the altar to say their vows, they look back and see God’s hand throughout their trials and vow to trust in Him to guide them through the remainder of their lives.   

 

 

 

 







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