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Beyond the North Star YA SF


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#1 ViviMont

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Posted 27 September 2016 - 11:00 PM

I apologize for this dreadful and long synopsis. I'm so lost on how to do this for dual narrative. Maybe one of you can point me in the right direction. Thank you!!

 

For three years, seventeen-year-old TETHYS SERUS has trained with the Acquisition—a galactic militia fighting against space bounty hunters and the conquering Earthers. The Acquisition trades protection and resources for the ownership of land, something Tethys’ uncle never approved of and something that brands her a pirate among the citizens.

 

After her final trial where she’s forced to behead a bounty hunter, Tethys is granted the title of Captain as well as the ship of her dreams. Though a private gift included a set of hooked blades and a proposal from the Acquisition’s Admiral.

 

While visiting a neighboring planet to tell her uncle the news of her promotion and contemplative engagement, Tethys captures the exiled Nevean Prince PAN and his friend. The prince crash landed after a close encounter with mercenaries working for his planet’s conqueror, the malicious WENDOWLYN.

 

Tethys also discovers her uncle’s ship was burned to the ground and he’s gone missing. All signs point back to the Acquisition and a quick call to the Admiral behaving suspiciously solidifies her resolve to turn her back on the Acquisition and search for her uncle with the prince and his friend in tow.

 

Tethys’ first lead guides her to where Pan and his family were in hiding. There, they find out Pan’s dying mother, a sacred deity of the Nevean people, has been captured and Pan’s sister is too weak to receive the power of her fading mother. With the Nevean’s ability to turn noxious gasses into a breathable atmosphere, Wendowlyn and her army plan on harvesting Pan’s people and taking over the galaxy.

 

Pan’s only hope to saving his sister and his people is an ancient rite performed on the deadliest, magical island on Nevea—the Dark Isle. The rite will transfer his mother’s power to Pan. Besides Tethys’ uncle’s obvious involvement in helping the Neveans and her growing feelings for the sweetly naïve Pan, Tethys sets out to help, motivated by vengeance. Wendowlyn is not only Nevea’s conqueror but the woman who killed Tethys’ family.

 

Once on the Dark Isle, they run into a tribe of furry mercenaries which Tethys dispatches, nearly losing her life as the terrain magically shifts under her feet. While recovering and Pan swarmed with giggling fairies, Tethys is lured away by the ghostly figure of her mother. The apparition is a siren’s trap and leads Tethys to Mermaid Lagoon where the siren tries to drown her. Pan manages to follow Tethys there and with her discarded swords, Pan cuts off the siren’s head.

 

They’re all thankful to be alive and desperate to leave the island, but it’s then they uncover what they’ve been searching for—the sacred tree where Pan will need to perform the rite. But the tree rejects him, wounding him badly. Wendowlyn appears with Pan’s mother, a blade at her neck, and declaring she holds the missing ingredient—a deity’s blood. It’s then Wendowlyn kills Pan’s mother, weakening him and every other Nevean as well as absorbing the power herself. Her interest was never to harvest his people, but to gain their deity’s power. Here all worlds collide as the Admiral of the Acquisition appears, having tracked Tethys to the Dark Isle. He explains a mutiny divided the Acquisition and the militia was overtaken by Wendowlyn’s men, all her chips having fallen into place. Surrounded, Wendowlyn creates a distraction and shoots at Tethys. Pan dives in the way and takes her bullet. He’s dying, but the cave they’re in is crumbling, the entire island in tremors as Wendowlyn becomes unstoppable.

 

Tethys and the Admiral, carrying a dying Pan, escape the cave and find Tethys’ uncle and her ship waiting on the other side. As Tethys suspected, her uncle was doing everything he can to save the Nevean planet with its unusual and magical occupants. Aboard her ship is Pan’s sister who survived and now has her late mother’s power. Pan’s sister manages to bring Pan back from the brink of death and admits her apprehension at the twisted power Wendowlyn received. Through the magical link they now share, Pan’s sister sees the power driving Wendowlyn to madness. A war has incited and the Neveans along with other private military forces band together for the fight ahead.

 

Tethys knows they don’t stand a chance against Wendowlyn’s army and decides to fly off on her own to find aid and sabotage as many of Wendowlyn’s forces as she can. But there’s no way Pan would let her have all the fun and together with their new rag-tag crew they sail for a new adventure.


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#2 ViviMont

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Posted 28 September 2016 - 03:22 PM

Seventeen-year-old CAPTAIN TETHYS can cut a beast in half with her wicked, hooked swords, navigate the black waves of space, and break a man’s pinky before he can finish his indecent remark. She’s the Acquisition’s most loyal officer. But when Nevean prince PAN crash lands in her path she’s sucked into a quest to regain his planet from WENDOWLYN—the woman who killed Tethys’ family and destroyed her planet.

For three years, Tethys trained for her final trial to earn the title of captain and the ship of her dreams. More shocking than the unexpected proposal from an admiral of the Acquisition is the giant beast she must battle to the death for her trial. After beheading her opponent, her success comes soured in doubt and her uncle’s disapproval of the Acquisition rings in her heart.

Tethys travels to visit her uncle and discuss her promotion and contemplative engagement. There, she encounters a crashed ship piloted by the exiled Nevean prince, Pan, whom she arrests for illegally entering an Acquisition land. She then discovers her uncle has gone missing and his ship burned to the ground. With all signs pointing back to the Acquisition and the admiral behaving suspiciously, Tethys has no choice but to surrender everything she’s worked toward and search for her uncle with the prince and his friend in tow.

The prince tells Tethys if she accompanies them to the planet his family hides in, he may know someone who can help her search. Upon arriving in the prince’s hideout, they discover his mother—a Nevean deity— has been kidnapped and his sister is dying. Tethys uncovers a lead on her uncle and finds he’s as involved with helping the Neveans as she finds herself to be. Besides her icy heart softening toward the sweetly, naïve prince and her uncle’s involvement, she’s determined to help Pan regain his planet and seek vengeance against the conqueror Wendowlyn.

Their only hope lies in Nevea. A rite performed on the deadly Dark Isle will give Pan the strength and power to save his sister and regain his planet. With Tethys’ ship able to traverse the galaxy undetected, they reach the Dark Isle in search of the sacred Tree of Passence where the rite can be performed. They first encounter a tribe of furry mercenaries which Tethys dispatches, nearly losing her life as the terrain magically shifts under her feet. While Pan is distracted by a swarm of giggling fairies, Tethys is lured away by the ghostly figure of her mother. The apparition is a siren’s trap and leads Tethys to Mermaid Lagoon where the siren tries drowning her. Pan manages to follow Tethys there and with her discarded swords, Pan cuts off the siren’s head.

Finally reaching the sacred tree in a hidden cave, Pan attempts the rite only to have it reject him. Wendowlyn appears with Pan’s mother, a blade at her neck, and declaring she holds the missing ingredient—a deity’s blood. Wendowlyn kills Pan’s mother, absorbing the power herself. The Admiral of the Acquisition appears, having tracked Tethys to the Dark Isle. He explains a mutiny divided the Acquisition and it was overtaken by Wendowlyn’s men, all her chips having fallen into place. Surrounded, Wendowlyn creates a distraction and shoots at Tethys. Pan dives in the way and takes her bullet. He’s dying, but the cave they’re in is crumbling, the entire island in tremors as Wendowlyn becomes unstoppable.

Tethys and the Admiral, carrying a dying Pan, escape the cave and find Tethys’ uncle and her ship waiting on the other side. Aboard her ship, Pan’s sister—Nevea’s new deity—manages to bring Pan back from the brink of death and admits her apprehension at the twisted power Wendowlyn received. Through the magical link they now share, Pan’s sister sees the power driving Wendowlyn to madness. A war has incited among Wendowlyn's people and the Neveans, along with other private military forces, band together for the fight ahead.

Tethys knows they don’t stand a chance against Wendowlyn’s army and she decides to fly off on her own to find aid and sabotage as many of Wendowlyn’s forces as she can. But there’s no way Pan and her new rag-tag crew would let her have all the fun and together they sail for a new adventure.


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#3 asmcdermott

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Posted 01 December 2016 - 11:06 PM

Seventeen-year-old CAPTAIN TETHYS can cut a beast in half with her wicked, hooked swords, navigate the black waves of space, and break a man’s pinky before he can finish his indecent remark. (Nice opener. I'd recommend removing the part about her swords just to make it a little tighter). She’s the Acquisition’s most loyal officer. But when Nevean (what is Nevean? A planet, a race, a kingdom? I'd make that clear from the start) prince PAN crash lands in her path she’s sucked into a quest to regain his planet from WENDOWLYN—the woman who killed Tethys’ family and destroyed her planet (did she do both at the same time? Good motivation for Tethys either way).

For three years, Tethys trained for her final trial to earn the title of captain and the ship of her dreams. More shocking than the unexpected proposal from an admiral of the Acquisition (sounds a little awkward, I'd reword this first part) is the giant beast she must battle to the death for her trial. After beheading her opponent, her success comes soured in doubt and her uncle’s disapproval of the Acquisition rings in her heart (why does he disapprove? Still not sure exactly what the Acquisition is).

Tethys travels to visit her uncle and discuss her promotion and contemplative engagement (last part is a little too wordy). There, she encounters a crashed ship piloted by the exiled Nevean prince, Pan, (this sounds like you're introducing him again for the second time) whom she arrests for illegally entering an Acquisition land. She then discovers her uncle has gone missing, and his ship burned to the ground. With all signs pointing back to the Acquisition and the admiral behaving suspiciously, Tethys has no choice but to surrender everything she’s worked toward and search for her uncle with the prince and his friend in tow (who is the friend? If they're not important to the plot I'd just leave him or her out of the synopsis).

The prince tells Tethys if she accompanies them to the planet his family hides in, he may know someone who can help her search. Upon arriving in the prince’s hideout, they discover his mother—a Nevean deity— has been kidnapped and his sister is dying. Tethys uncovers a lead on her uncle and finds he’s as involved with helping the Neveans as she finds herself to be (last part reads a little awkward. I'd consider rewording). Besides her icy heart softening toward the sweetly, naïve prince and her uncle’s involvement, (I'd consider losing this first part. Icy heart softening sounds a little cliched and we already know her uncle's involvement is one of the things driving her) she’s determined to help Pan regain his planet and seek vengeance against the conqueror Wendowlyn.

Their only hope lies in Nevea. A rite performed on the deadly Dark Isle will give Pan the strength and power to save his sister and regain his planet. With Tethys’ ship able to traverse the galaxy undetected (are they back in space? It sounded like the Dark Isle was on the same planet as Pan's family), they reach the Dark Isle in search of the sacred Tree of Passence where the rite can be performed. They first encounter a tribe of furry mercenaries which Tethys dispatches, nearly losing her life as the terrain magically shifts under her feet (I'd lose this last part, unless the terrain shifting is important to the plot). While Pan is distracted by a swarm of giggling fairies, Tethys is lured away by the ghostly figure of her mother. The apparition is a siren’s trap and leads Tethys to Mermaid Lagoon (name sounds a little cute and not very threatening) where the siren tries drowning her. Pan manages to follow Tethys there and with her discarded swords, Pan cuts off the siren’s head.

Finally reaching the sacred tree in a hidden cave, Pan attempts the rite only to have it reject him. Wendowlyn appears with Pan’s mother, a blade at her neck, and declaring she holds the missing ingredient—a deity’s blood (I'd cut this preceding sentence down or split it up to give it more impact). Wendowlyn kills Pan’s mother, absorbing the power herself. The Admiral (you didn't capitalize his name earlier-I'd make sure it's consistent throughout) of the Acquisition appears, having tracked Tethys to the Dark Isle. He explains a mutiny divided the Acquisition and it was overtaken by Wendowlyn’s men, all her chips having fallen into place (cliched). Surrounded, Wendowlyn creates a distraction and shoots at Tethys. Pan dives in the way and takes her bullet. He’s dying, but the cave they’re in is crumbling, (I'd break this sentence up, too) the entire island in tremors as Wendowlyn becomes unstoppable.

Tethys and the Admiral, carrying a dying Pan, escape the cave and find Tethys’ uncle and her ship waiting on the other side. Aboard her ship, Pan’s sister—Nevea’s new deity (little confused about the deity thing. Does it always pass from mother to daughter? Did her mother dying automatically heal Pan's sister?)—manages to bring Pan back from the brink of death and admits her apprehension at the twisted power Wendowlyn received. Through the magical link they now share, Pan’s sister sees the power driving Wendowlyn to madness. A war has incited (started might sound better) among Wendowlyn's people and the Neveans, along with other private military forces, band together for the fight ahead.

Tethys knows they don’t stand a chance against Wendowlyn’s army and she decides to fly off on her own to find aid and sabotage as many of Wendowlyn’s forces as she can. But there’s no way Pan and her new rag-tag crew (who are the crew?) would let her have all the fun and together they sail for a new adventure. (I'd think of a stronger conclusion. I know this is probably part of a series and you want to keep it open-ended, but I'd give a sense of some kind of resolution, not just a "new adventure" beginning.)

Very interesting story and characters you've created here. I think if you tighten it up in the places I mentioned and give the conclusion a little more "pow" this could be really good. Best of luck with this!






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