Excerpts from my 95000 word sword and sorcery (why are you not calling it fantasy here?) novel "The Oracle of Lost Sagas" have won two awards from the Writers of the Future Contest. (This stuff works better at the end)
Unicorns can only be approached by virgins, and 18 year old Aylonja has longed for one ever since she can remember wanting anything at all. If anyone can help her capture such a creature it would have to be her father (this comes off as a statement of fact, and contrasts too heavily with the next paragraph; consider a slight change, like "she thought it would be her father."), who's easily the greatest horse master in the known lands.
Too bad No one told them that unicorns aren't exactly horses, or that the adult ones are as big and aggressive as mammoths. ("Too bad" sounds dismissive--and given what happens makes, it undermines the sympathy you want to build for Aylonja.)
After her father is gored to death and trampled, Aylonja finds herself lost in a foreign land with only a half-troll scout to guide her. To survive the frigid Nioni Mountains and the Desert of Wyrms beyond (these are meaningless terms to a reader--we haven't read your novel yet. It's okay, because we get what they are, but if you're looking for places to shed unnecessary words, start here.), she will need to shed both the ingrained prejudices of her people and the innocence of her youth.
Far to the south, a boy struggles to be recognized by the elders of his people and to finally become a man (clunky; consider separating and providing a bit more detail. What does "recognition" in his context mean? and "manhood"?). Virtually invisible to most of his tribe, he suffers from an uncanny tendency to always be overlooked (just odd; unless there is a reason and that reason is important to your novel, this sentence adds nothing. And, even if that is important to your novel, you're still not explaining it here.)
... until a visiting band of hunter-assassins chooses him as an initiate. Now as he begins to understand his hidden talents, he must travel to a crumbling highland temple to gain the favor of his ancestors and finally earn his name. But the hills are overrun by ogres, and with his new name comes an ancient spirit who threatens to wipe away all traces of his former self. (why have you combined this into one sentence? How important are the ogres?)
In a valley deep inside the Nioni mountain range, an earthly goddess prepares to ascend to her heavenly kingdom and assume sovereignty once more. So far, everything has gone according to plan... but there's a secret that her worshippers are hiding, and the oracle bones tell of strangers who come to forever end her reign. (This paragraph is too vague, and perhaps too much. This makes for the third story thread your weaving in here, and we don't have stakes for any of them.)
I've worked as a music journalist and am currently a tour guide, musician, and blogger with a stong media presence. The Oracle of Lost Sagas is a stand-alone dark fantasy/ magical realism novel with series potential. Sort of Patrick Rothfuss and N.K. Jemison meets Robert. E. Howard and G.R.R. Martin with a dash of Jane Aule and Jack London thrown in. (Comp titles seem to be a refugee from the film industry. Unless you can make a clear point about how your book relates, they don't do much. Here, they don't help you at all; it sound like you bumped into a bookshelf, and stuff fell in a blender. And, unless an agent asks for extra bio info (and some do), leave out the stuff that doesn't directly relate to your novel. The sentence about stand alone / series potential should go too. The time for that conversation is once the book has sold.)
Thanks in advance for your interest! (Implies they will be interested, and sounds more cocky than confident.) From everything I've seen, "Thank you for your time and consideration" hits the sweet spot.
The biggest issue here is stakes. What is at stake for these people? And, you have to get your reader to understand/empathize with those stakes. That's hard enough to do with one character, but you've got to figure out how to do it with three. AND, you're already at nearly four hundred words.
AND---I just realized this is not your most recent edit. I made the same mistake when I started; try to give your readers on this forum a heads up in one of two ways. 1) Post your newest version at the top of your thread by editing the original post (don't delete, just paste it at the beginning with something like "2nd edit" at the top, or 2) Edit your original post by adding "Most recent edit on reply #X" at the top.
I've seen a lot of others do this and it helps. It particularly helps those like me who try to respond without reading other people's responses first. I have a heard time knowing what I would have seen if I read through everyone else's feed back. I feel like I miss things while focused on what others saw.
I'll come back and edit your latest version later today.