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Summary for MFA writing sample - Outlanders

Fiction Commercial Fiction Crime Fantasy Family Saga Mystery New Adult

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#1 e.korley

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Posted 13 November 2016 - 12:02 PM

Note: This excerpt covers the first chapters of Outlanders. Outlanders sets place two decades after the last deity queen, Chizoba, killed herself when she bombed the Summer Courthouse, ending a two hundred year war responsible for the Eastern king’s death and the disappearances of millions of children. Devlyn Bright, the main protagonist, is a 12 year old illegal immigrant living with her guardian Bo in Agwo ‘Snake’ Region, a kingdom set in the Republic of Kano.  A lockdown of her village by R.A.T  Coast Guards forces her to realize that her world is not as small and quiet as she thought.

 

 

 

 

What do you guys think?



#2 Blueberry Tide

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Posted 15 November 2016 - 01:49 PM

Note: This excerpt covers the first chapters of Outlanders. Outlanders sets place two decades after the last deity queen, Chizoba, killed herself when she bombed the Summer Courthouse, ending a two hundred year war responsible for the Eastern king’s death and the disappearances of millions of children. Devlyn Bright, the main protagonist, is a 12 year old illegal immigrant living with her guardian Bo in Agwo ‘Snake’ Region, a kingdom set in the Republic of Kano.  A lockdown of her village by R.A.T  Coast Guards forces her to realize that her world is not as small and quiet as she thought.

 

 

 

 

What do you guys think?

I like it. The only problem I have with it is the "sets place" phrase. It tricked me - as first I thought it was a typo. It make sense, but it feels clunky. Otherwise, I like it. It's simple and too the point. The first sentence is a little long, but that's not a major thing. 

 

(I'm in an online MFA program right now, and you can already write better than half of those people.)



#3 julialynn

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Posted 10 December 2016 - 09:26 PM

"A lockdown of her village by R.A.T  Coast Guards forces her to realize that her world is not as small and quiet as she thought."

 

I think this sentence can be stronger. Forcing someone to realize something isn't as intriguing as say, forcing someone to do something actively. What must she do now? What does she want? What's at stake for her if she doesn't get it?


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#4 e.korley

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Posted 04 February 2017 - 06:39 PM

"A lockdown of her village by R.A.T  Coast Guards forces her to realize that her world is not as small and quiet as she thought."

 

I think this sentence can be stronger. Forcing someone to realize something isn't as intriguing as say, forcing someone to do something actively. What must she do now? What does she want? What's at stake for her if she doesn't get it?

I'm so sorry I disappeared. Thanks so much for your response.


I like it. The only problem I have with it is the "sets place" phrase. It tricked me - as first I thought it was a typo. It make sense, but it feels clunky. Otherwise, I like it. It's simple and too the point. The first sentence is a little long, but that's not a major thing. 

 

(I'm in an online MFA program right now, and you can already write better than half of those people.)

 I know I took a long time to respond. I like left for a while. Thanks alot for your response! You made my day. 







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fiction, Commercial Fiction, Crime, Fantasy, Family Saga, Mystery, New Adult

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