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Book blurb help Sci-fi (will return favour)

scifi book blurb

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#1 Gee

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Posted 18 November 2016 - 01:40 AM

Happy to return the favour, just drop link to your critique request in the reply.

 

This is a book blurb, not a query, so really want to just intrigue someone enough to grab the sample chapters rather than providing the details as you might find in a pitch. 

 

All feedback appreciated...

 

 

He waited ten years to take his revenge. They had waited eons.

 

When the ancients colonized the planet Serenity, they created a divide. The settlers made their homes inside a wall. Everything and everyone else was left outside.

 

Many lifetimes have passed. The colonists still rely on the technology they no longer hold the skills to repair.

 

An earthquake has destroyed the power to maintain their protective wall. To repair it, the last remaining expert will need to journey beyond the wall, into a land engulfed by war.

 

Is the failing of the wall a natural disaster, a ruse, or part of an elaborate native sympathiser plot?

 

Welcome to Serenity, where life is anything but. 


Please check out my 250 word book blurb http://agentquerycon...avour/?p=329994


#2 Nonicks

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Posted 19 November 2016 - 04:03 AM

I loved your very first sentence, it was intriguing. But what came after it was unclear. 

 

"The settlers made their homes inside a wall. Everything and everyone else was left outside." - what does this mean? What do you mean - a wall? 

"The colonists still rely on the technology they no longer hold the skills to repair." - what kind of technology? This is too vague. 

What does the first sentence have to do with the following ones? How is everything connected?

 

"Is the failing of the wall a natural disaster, a ruse, or part of an elaborate native sympathiser plot?" - that might be interesting, but I don't really know who is fighting against who, who is the hero and what is he trying to achieve, and it makes this sentence less intriguing. 

 

To sum it up - I don't know what this book is about.

 

Hope I was able to help. If you have time, please take a look at my first 250 words:

Red Eyed Daniel



#3 Gee

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Posted 19 November 2016 - 08:07 AM

And Alternative version in #6

 

He waited ten years to take his revenge. They had waited eons.

 

When the ancients colonized the planet named Serenity they displaced an indigenous population, known as the Jaru, and constructed a vast force-field wall to keep the colony safe. Eons have passed. The colonists still rely on the technology they no longer hold the skills to repair. They have long forgotten where they came from and their ancient founders wrongdoings.

 

The scattered tribes of the Jaru, who have neither forgotten nor forgiven, have begun to unite, when an earthquake destroys the power to the protective wall. At least that’s the official report. To repair it, the last remaining expert will need to journey beyond the wall, into a land engulfed by war.


Please check out my 250 word book blurb http://agentquerycon...avour/?p=329994


#4 Paulsvault

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Posted 21 November 2016 - 11:54 AM

He waited ten years to take his revenge. They had waited eons.

 

When the ancients colonized the planet named Serenity they displaced an indigenous population, known as the Jaru, and constructed a vast force-field wall to keep the colony safe. Eons have passed. The colonists still rely on the technology they no longer hold the skills to repair. They have long forgotten where they came from and their ancient founders wrongdoings.

 

The scattered tribes of the Jaru, who have neither forgotten nor forgiven, have begun to unite, when an earthquake destroys the power to the protective wall. At least that’s the official report. To repair it, the last remaining expert will need to journey beyond the wall, into a land engulfed by war.

 

I think you answered the questions from Nonicks. It gives a little more clarity as to the plot and what these colonists are up against. I would assume (even though I hate to do that) that the Jaru are waiting to attack after sabotaging the wall. Makes for a chilling situation these colonists are walking into.

 

I know these aren't questions you can probably answer, but my 1st thought's are:

 

How did they lose the skills to repair their technology and how did they forget their past (I know it's been eons though, hell, even we as humans have forgotten our past).

 

But questions like that are reasons why readers keep reading!! :biggrin:

 

http://agentquerycon...yptic-thriller/ - Check it out if you get a chance


The Warrior's Crown Query: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown First 250: http://agentquerycon...warriors-crown/

The Warrior's Crown Hook: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=337108

 

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. - James Douglas Morrison

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. - Ray Bradbury

 


#5 KitCampbell

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Posted 22 November 2016 - 06:29 PM

Now, depending on the story, this may or may not be an issue, but my first thought is that there are no characters present except for a brief mention right at the end. Do you have a large ensemble cast where no one is particularly important? If not, you might want to step back a bit from the overall worldbuilding and focus more on the character(s)'s journey.



#6 Gee

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Posted 22 November 2016 - 09:50 PM

Playing about with a different tack...better or worse?

 

 

He had waited ten years to take his revenge.

They had waited eons.

 

Serenity has lived divided as far back as the histories tell.

The Aterrans live inside the wall with technology. The Shadowlanders and Jaru live outside the wall with none.

 

Welcome to Serenity.

 

Ten years have passed since John Tanis tried to kill his best friend Bill Bremmer. Not finishing the job is his only regret. Exiled from Aterra, Tanis has fought for survival and acceptance in the uncivilized Shadowland.

 

Now, the scattered tribes of the Jaru have begun to unite, decimating Tanis new homelands. Aterra is also suffering as a native sympathizer uprising decimates cities in a spate of bombing attacks.

 

Suspicious that Bremmer has some hand in the troubles engulfing his land, Tanis would relish an opportunity to settle that old score, an opportunity that could never happen.

 

Until the day the Aterra lost the wall . . .


Please check out my 250 word book blurb http://agentquerycon...avour/?p=329994


#7 KitCampbell

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Posted 28 November 2016 - 07:25 PM

 

He (Can we put his name here? Right now you've still got several lines before John Tanis--who I'm assuming is the main character--shows up)had waited ten years to take his revenge.

They had waited eons.

(In general, I like this. I could see it sitting top center on the back of a book.)

 

Serenity has lived divided as far back as the histories tell.

The Aterrans live inside the wall with technology. The Shadowlanders and Jaru (you see, without a character connected to the above, I could see this being a person. As is, I'm assuming the Jaru are a type of people, but since it doesn't follow the Aterrans and Shadowlanders format--with the s on the end--I'm not sure) live outside the wall with none. (Is that the only difference? How does this complicate their lives? Are they lacking in a certain resource, like food or water?)

 

Welcome to Serenity.

 

Ten years have passed since John Tanis tried to kill his best friend Bill Bremmer. Not finishing the job is his only regret. Exiled from Aterra, Tanis has fought for survival and acceptance in the uncivilized Shadowland.

 

Now, the scattered tribes of the Jaru have begun to unite, decimating Tanis (Tanis') new homelands (This may just be me, but "homeland" is a very specific word--can you really have a new homeland?). Aterra is also suffering as a native sympathizer uprising decimates cities in a spate of bombing attacks.

 

Suspicious that Bremmer has some hand in the troubles engulfing his land, Tanis would relish an opportunity to settle that old score, an opportunity that could never happen.

 

Until the day the Aterra lost the (its) wall . . .

 

I like this one better. Focusing more on John and his personal conflict pulls it together more.







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